Palm Springs Punishment 2024
May 1, 2024 17:59:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, mosler, and 2 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on May 1, 2024 17:59:24 GMT -5
Fade up on a deafening Palm Springs crowd holding up signs that say “Auction Off Florida”, “Marty Will Betray For Food”, “60 Minute Syberus”, “Captain Righteous Is Receiving That Peacemaker Into A Special Place”, “AK-47”, a fan holds up a UK flag “Black Tiger Den”, “Kilroy Will Leash That Gator”, “Always Very Basic” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, “MXG Definitely Has A Kimono”, “Maim Bobby Nowa”, a fan swings a stuffed alligator attached to a dog collar. Fans hold up signs that say “TUX SUX!”, “Nobody Does It Better”. “Little Horse Tribe”, “Captain Self-Righteous”, “Cruise Dudes”,“The Danimal”, “My Boy Kilroy”, “Fake Superhero”, “The Head Dropping Uncle”, “Dan The Man” “Roscoe Owes Bobby A Stretcher Ride”, and “Da Mang Is Back!” Fade up on Guillermo O’Bannon and Phillip Blauer at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2024. When we started, 35 years ago in 1989, we had no idea the impact we would make in the wrestling industry. Here we are tonight, in our home base to bring you our biggest show of the year! I am Guillermo O’Bannon and to my right is Phil Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: Philthy Rich is at a real come-to-Blau Dog moment here tonight. They are all in title matches. Florida Man defends my Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against the worst person who could possibly hold it, Kilroy Evans. The man who violently assaulted me with a dye pack and a baton in Tucson.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never heard screams that high pitched.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind that. Then I am paying Marty to take the Hardkore West Coast Championship from Syberus. But Jonnie is making me wait an hour for it to happen. Then Alexander Von Blankenship has been paid to take the Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody. These things better happen because I am the customer, and the customer is always right!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you’re not a customer. You’re a stable leader…by default.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a battle of the big men as Captain Righteous will take on “The Punisher” Dan Stein the Peacemaker on a Pole Match. Righteous’ partner Lady Liberty challenges for the Hardkore Women’s Championship against Black Tiger. Bobby Nowa is proclaiming that he will retire Bobby Nowa a second time here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Palm Springs fans stand and applaud as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances down the aisle with Mary Yellowbird pumping the Acrisure Arena up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse highly respects Andrew Karnage and his impact here in Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: He even tips his hat to Andy being the more attractive of the two. That was big of him. It had Kevin Valentine Jr. shook, you could tell he was stalling with the hot cocoa. Then they proceeded to charge the biggest breakfast to the company since Bad Boy King Kong.
Joey Little Horse hugs some fans near the “Little Horse Tribe” sign. Mary Yellowbird holds the ropes for El Exotico
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse is looking to get into a fist fight with Andrew Karnage here tonight.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small yellow loin cloth yellow over shorts with Native American gear.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT 2024!!”
The Palm Springs fans pop and chant “HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD!”
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The crowd roars as Joey Little Horse does a war dance
The funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powdered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in the Acrisure Arena flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage walks out with a half-smile on his face, and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage returned to Hardkore World in Phoenix where he won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships for the unprecedented fifth time by winning that ladder match against Nowa Out and what, I guess, would now be Philthy Rich.
Phillip Blauer: He may have won the battle, but he lost the war. That war? The War Against Displeasing Me.
Guillermo rolls his eyes. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight is Andrew Karnage’s first big singles match since 2022 when he was put out of action right here at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 when “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar fireballed him. Andrew Karnage was also in Palm Springs for our first show back when he lost in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament to Alexander Von Blankenship. At Palm Springs Punishment 2012, he lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship to Bruno in a ladder match with The Shootfighter. In February of 2012, Karnage lost to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion James Fierce here. At Palm Springs Punishment 2010, he lost to Marty Donovan in a match for Karnage to try and win his freedom back, when Karnage was his slave.
Phillip Blauer: Why don’t we have slave matches anymore?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably the constitution. At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, he lost in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament to Dougie Ray Bullet. At Palm Springs Punishment 2008, he successfully defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Ken Shiro in a barbed wire match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, he defeated James Fierce in a steel cage stretcher match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, he and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from Lucifer Jones and “The Punisher” Dan Stein. In December of 2005, this is where he and Kilroy successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over The Black Experience and High Maintenance. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he and Kilroy won those Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a tournament final. So a long storied history in this city and as we saw in the ladder match, the old AK-47 is back.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, but now that’s his age.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Hurricane, Utah; Standing 6 foot 5 inches tall; Weighing 263 pounds; One Half of The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS; The Head Droppin Uncle…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd roars as Karnage nods back in appreciation
Andrew Karnage vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse takes Karnage over by the hair in a snap mare, and then grabs a front facelock. The veteran Little Horse hoping to wear down the much stronger Karnage.
Andrew Karnage struggles to get to his feet with Joey Little Horse hanging onto the front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage slips his head out and flips Joey Little Horse across the ring with a sheer drop exploder!!
Phillip Blauer: More like Joey Flying Horse, am I right?
The Acrisure Arena erupts with cheers as a dizzy Joey Little Horse tries to get back to his feet. Karnage clubs Little Horse with a vader forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse whacks Karnage with a tomahawk chop, but Karnage responds with another stiff forearm to the head. Horse switches to a forearm of his own.
Andrew Karnage whacks him with another forearm, but Joey Little Horse hits him with an open palm strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Joey Little Horse promised earlier, this has broken down into a fist fight early on! Andrew Karnage rocks him with another forearm, and Joey Little Horse cracks him in the jaw with a right hook.
Andrew Karnage bounces Little Horse’s head back with a sharp forearm, but Joey Little Horse releases a barrage of rapid fire punches to his face and chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Joey Little Horse by the hair, leans back and hits a giant headbutt!
Joey Little Horse crumples to the mat and the fans cheer. Andrew Karnage tries to shake off the effects of the punches and chops
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Joey Little Horse up and muay thai clinches him, striking him with knees in the face and body.
Karnage lifts the 260 pound Joey Little Horse with ease in a hanging vertical suplex. He motions with his free hand for more applause and the Palm Springs fans oblige
Phillip Blauer: I bet he missed this while grocery shopping for his 11 kids.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage finally drops him to the mat with a delayed vertical suplex!
Andrew Karnage pulls Joey Little Horse up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage goes for a spinebuster, but Joey Little Horse catches him in a tornado DDT!
Andrew Karnage struggles to get up, so Joey Little Horse catches him in the side of the head with a knee lift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse with the chicken wing on Andrew Karnage. He pulls up on Karnage’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow.
Karnage tries to back elbow his way out of the chicken wing, but Joey Little Horse ducks. Joey irish whips Karnage into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse follows him in with a big clothesline! He ¾ nelson suplexes Karnage out of the corner!
Joey Little Horse pulls Karnage up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop, but Andrew double underhooks his arms and lifts him up into a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger Buster K!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage gets underneath him with a saito suplex!
The fans cheer. Andrew Karnage grabs his legs and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage applies a half crab, but Joey Little Horse tucks his head, and is able to roll through into a single leg boston crab of his own!
The Palm Springs crowd applauds the reversal along with Mary Yellowbird at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse sits low on the single leg, bending his knee back and bowing Karnage’s spine.
Richie Richardson asks Karnage if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse wrenches his leg back harder in response
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse converts the half crab into an indian deathlock! He sits down on Karnage’s twisted legs, making Andrew sit up in agony.
Andrew Karnage sits up and falls back down in an attempt to find some escape, but Joey Little Horse has the indian deathlock cinched in perfectly
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse leaning back on Karnage’s crossed legs, putting pressure on his knees.
The 6’5 Andrew Karnage is finally able to scoot back and grab the bottom rope and Richie Richardson forces Joey Little Horse to release the indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse pulls Karnage up and shoots him into the ropes, flipping him into a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
The crowd cheers as Karnage arches his back in pain. Joey Little Horse sticks his knees into Karnage’s back and rolls him up into a bow and arrow
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse applies the bow and arrow to Andrew Karnage! He pulls down on Karnage’s head and legs, bending him in half across his knees.
Richie Richardson asks Karnage if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Little Horse pulls him up into a sitting position and applies a nerve hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse continuing to tire out the larger, rustier wrestler, now with a nerve hold. He pinches the spot between the shoulder and the carotid artery, cutting off blood flow to his arm.
Richie Richardson checks in, but Karnage doesn’t answer. Richie tests his arm, but Karnage keeps it up. The Palm Springs audience starts clapping faster and faster to root him on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage using the people’s energy to will himself up to his feet! He rams an elbow into Little Horse’s stomach, and another one to free himself from the nerve hold.
Phillip Blauer: The noive!!
Andrew Karnage half nelson hammerlocks Joey Little Horse and gives him a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Joey Little Horse up in a suplex, but then drops him on his face with a gourdbuster!
Andrew Karnage fireman’s carries Joey Little Horse up onto his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage climbs up to the second rope, but Little Horse hits him in the face with a tomahawk chop, and another! Little Horse goes over the top with a Greetings from Charlotte sunset bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the crowd roars. Mary Yellowbird runs into the ring and hugs Joey Little Horse
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Joey Little Horse defeats former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage! His gameplan of surprising Andrew Karnage with a brawl at the beginning and then wearing him down with submissions wound up being the key to victory.
Phillip Blauer: I wish I had paid for this to happen. Kilroy must be so sad his Little Ceasar’s pizza cups are getting salty with tears.
A jubilant Joey Little Horse does some sexy, sexy dancing for the ladies in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a way to start off Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Open in the banquet hall at the Palm Springs Wyndham Resort. The audience is filled with Hardkore dignitaries and legends. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks up to the podium over the murmuring of the audience
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Hello everyone and welcome to the ceremony to honor the first ever Hardkore World Lifetime Achievement Award to a man who began Hardkore World. In 1989, we held a tournament at the Meadowlands, New Jersey and John “Catman” Wilder went all four rounds, defeating “Leaping” Larry Angelo, Kerry Davis, Fat Albert, and finally The Ukranian to become the first ever Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. He held onto that belt for 6 long months, elevating it with defense after defense, and putting us on the map. Without John “Catman” Wilder, there would be no Florida Man, no Kilroy Evans, and no Marty Donovan. Everyone in this room owes him a debt of gratitude. Here to induct John, is his one time nemesis, Butch “The Anvil” Brooks!
The audience applauds and the big burly Bitch “The Anvil” Brooks walks out with grey in his beard and a tuxedo. He carries index cards in his hand, as he mouths “Thank you.” to the cheering audience. Butch tries to speak, but the audience drowns him out. He nods in appreciation
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: When John and I started in Hardkore World, it was based in the New Jersey area. We were playing community colleges, as well as the occasional spot in arenas like the Spectrum. John and I, we battled each other all over the Northeast, snowy drives, in front of crowds that weren’t sure what they were seeing. Hardkore was different, and John made sure of that. I see his son is here today!
The Wyndham banquet hall applauds as Syrus Wilder blushes. He motions for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. to cut
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: John took him along to every town we made.
A picture of Syrus applying a claw on Butch “The Anvil” Brooks comes up on the monitor behind him
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: We had our disagreements.
The audience belly laughs
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: But Syrus, you should be proud to know that all of your father’s sacrifices were worth it. There is a company that he built on his back that is still here 35 years later. Because he shaved “Dastardly” Danny Adams’ head at the Philadelphia Civic Center. Because he wrestled the 400 pound Maniac at the Spectrum. Because he wrestled Major Rager in that bloody bootcamp match at Glasboro Community College.
The dignitaries and fans give the highlight reel playing on the monitor a round of applaude
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: (gets choked up) Because of him. Tomorrow night, men like Florida Man, Kilroy Evans, Syberus, Marty Donovan, Dan Stein, and Roscoe Law are stealing the show at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 because of this man. And his claw. Ladies and gentleman, join me in honoring The Catman, John Wilder!
“Barbara Ann” by the Beach Boys plays and John “Catman” Wilder gets a standing ovation as he walks out with Yolanda Ando. John is blown away by the reaction and stops in his tracks. Yolanda Ando assures him he deserves it as Wilder seems to struggle with the outpouring of love and respect. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Syrus applauding his father, then to Syberus, Kilroy Evans, Ri Eun-Ae, Black Tiger, Dan Stein, Roscoe Law, Joey Little Horse, and Simon Cruise clapping. After taking a few moments to collect himself, John Wilder walks up to the podium. The crowd continues to cheer and soon a “CATMAN! CATMAN! CATMAN!” chant breaks out. John smiles and nods, mouthing “Thank you.” to the audience
John “Catman” Wilder: (visibly tearing up but holding back from sobbing) Jeez, I was telling Yolanda on the way out here that I didn’t think anyone would show up today because I never did anything worth celebrating. All I ever did was what I loved: wrestle. To see everyone here today and to hear Butch’s kind words, well I am overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you so much, Butch. We really did build something special, didn’t we? (Starts to sob) We really did, didn’t we, Yolanda?
John Wilder walks over and kisses Yolanda on the cheek, walks back to the podium
John “Catman” Wilder: You know, I could never get enough of the Beach Boys. They have such a pure and undeniable sound; instantly recognizable. No one could top their harmonies. And as I think back over the years, the fun, the sweat, the blood, the cheers, that’s what I think made Hardkore so special… the way we worked together to make something better than each of us alone… out harmony. Nothing can touch that. No other organization comes close. Well except for our families… those harmonies are pretty great, too.
The audience applauds as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of John’s son Syrus nodding in the audience
John “Catman” Wilder: I guess what I’m getting at is this: I don’t deserve this. Not really. I don’t deserve this award more than anyone else in this room. Heck, there’s a lot of folks NOT in this room who made as big or bigger a difference than I did. The roadies setting up the stage night after night after night. The sound and lighting geeks who got the show pumping and set the emotion every time. Heck, the fans are as responsible as we are for this. My point is: I am overjoyed at this recognition and accept this award with gratitude on one condition: that it be written down somewhere that John “Catman” Wilder says this one’s for everybody! Thank you and let’s party!
But before the party could begin, the clapping in the room is interrupted by the blowing of a whistle as Hasbulla and The Blessed One Alexander Von Blankenship pops out from a curtain behind The Catman. A smirk upon the face of the young Von Blankenship, and a pair of Balmain Wonder Boy LTD covering his eyes.
Hasbulla steps to the edge of the stage, blowing his trademark whistle at anyone who moves. AVB reaches out and pats his little compadre on the hair, before giving The Catman a slight hip check to move him from in front of the microphone.
Alexander Von Blankenship: I was just standing in the back, listening to this old decrepit man rattle off name after name. Listening to Jonnie Valentine rattle off name after name. Killroy, Donovan, Florida Man, Syberus, and Dan "Big Dummy" Stein.
AVB pauses to remove the glasses from his face.
Alexander Von Blankenship: But not a mention of The Can't Miss Kid, Alexander Von Blankenship? Not a mumble or a whisper of the name of the man who brought you all The Anointed? Just tons of verbal handjobs for the guys that don't deserve it, and a celebration for what is hopefully the ninth and final life of this overweight glorified House Cat, John Wilder? I mean really, Jesus Christ.
AVB pauses to do the sign of the cross across his body before returning his glasses to his face.
Alexander Von Blankenship: I could take a dump in a litter box, and have achieved more in my life than this hack.
AVB turns towards John “Catman” Wilder, puffs up his chest,then inhales hard to force nasal mucus to collect at the back of the throat, before spitting it out, and onto the chest of the Cat Man. The Palm Springs crowd lets out a collective groan of disgust and disbelief. Suddenly John Wilder’s son Syrus son jumps out of his seat and rushes the stage. He violently pushes Alexander off the stage before Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team separate AVB and the 300 pound son of the first Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion
Alexander Von Blankenship: Did you put your hands on me, Garfield?? Are you insane?? I’m sponsored by Liquid Death! Don’t you ever touch me! I’m going to smack you so hard your cross eyed sister named Odie will feel it!
Syrus Wilder breaks through the security detail’s grasp and gets inches away from Alexander Von Blankenship before Larry Valentine Jr. cuts him off. AVB takes advantage and gets a free shot, slapping Syrus in the mouth. The audience rains boos of utter contempt down on Von Blankenship
Alexander Von Blankenship: I think you got some lasagne sauce on your lip, son.
AVB suddenly allows security to scurry him away. An enraged Syrus needs to be held back by by five men as blood trickles from his mouth. His father John Wilder tries to go after Von Blankenship but he’s gone
“The Best" by Tina Turner plays and The Acrisure Arena boos. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walks out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan has hired an image consultant to get himself over with the Hardkore crowds of the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: Anthony Jordan has shed a lot of weight lately, namely that dumb juice head Kalmin Watts. He looks great!
Guillermo O’Bannon: \Jordan with his first singles match since splitting with Watts, but he has a tall order in front of him in former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask.
Anthony Jordan both slowly walk to the ring. He gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony has said that he is not going to appear in Bobby Nowa’s corner for his stretcher match later in the evening against Roscoe Law.
Phillip Blauer: He’s not going to give Roscoe the cover he needs to blame his next career ending injury on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan doesn’t see much in Tuxedo Mask lately, and seems to be going into this match with a pretty flippant attitude. This should be an interesting clash of styles with the high flying Tuxedo Mask taking on the skilled technician Anthony Jordan.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans
Yolanda Ando: Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. We’ll see how well this match goes to boosting Anthony Jordan’s image here in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd jeers
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Acrisure Arena boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has had a lot of history in this building. At Palm Springs Punishment 2004, he and Death Gojira and Eerie Von lost to Kilroy Evans, Robert Hunglestien III and Hero in an LA Freeway match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he and Death Gojira lost to Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage in the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament final. At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, he defeated Poke the Clown in the first round but lost to Kilroy Evans in the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. Then 12 years later, in his return at our first show back in May of 2022, he defeated Blaze Freya. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he lost to Eron Hunter. Then last year, at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 he lost to Kilroy Evans in a Mir match.
Phillip Blauer: I think the big takeaway here is to not wrestle Kilroy here. The blazing sun gives him superpowers to be impervious to falling into automobiles and tables. That’s why I picked LA.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux wants to steal the show here tonight on our biggest show of the year, and do some eye popping moves that overshadow the main event. We’ll see if that’s enough to defeat Anthony Jordan here tonight in
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask looks out at the sea of “TUX SUX!” signs in the crowd
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell Tuxedo darts back to hit the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask comes off the ropes with an elbow that staggers Jordan! He darts back, and fires off another!
Tuxedo Mask darts to third side of the ring, and bounces off the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits a crossbody that knocks Anthony Jordan off his feet!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
The fans boo and AJ rolls to his feet as Tuxedo comes in once more going for a hurricarana
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask goes for a huracanrana but Jordan grabs him, shaking his head at the fans before he flings Tuxedo over his head with a belly to back suplex!
The Palm Springs fans jeer as Tuxedo stumbles to his feet, shaking his head before Anthony Jordan is on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Role Model battering away with hard forearms to Tuxedo Mask’s back. He irish whips him into the ropes and launches him into the air with a huge backdrop!
Tuxedo sprawls, holding at his back as he starts to rise before Anthony Jordan spreads his arms wide to mock the fans
Phillip Blauer: Good, they need a little mockery.
Anthony Jordan lifts Tuxedo Mask up into a reverse suplex, then slingshots his feet off the top rope and drops him into a reverse brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Presumptuous Plex!!
The crowd chants “TONY BOLOGNA! TONY BOLOGNA! TONY BOLOGNA!” Tux is sprawling, and Jordan walks back and forth with a smirk. Then he walks over to Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan delivering a few paint brushes to the back of Tuxedo Mask’s head. Then he rolls up for the cover, but Tuxedo twists and reverses to get AJ in a cradle!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Jordan is furious, and grabs for Tuxedo who dives between his legs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs backwards, hitting the ropes before he comes flying off with a dropkick that drops Anthony Jordan across the middle rope!
The crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask makes the phone gesture. He darts back again, and goes for the 619
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan grabs him, shaking his head as he rises before he hits a thunderous side backbreaker! Then a second!
Tux sprawls out. Anthony Jordan grabs Tux’s leg and steps over into a spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan gives Tuxedo Mask another round of that spinning toe hold. He pushes Tux’s leg towards him, and then gives his leg another twist. The last time Anthony Jordan was here was at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he managed Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake in a losing effort to the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Gavin Drake. Tonight, he wants to walk out of here a winner.
Jordan fakes like he’s going for another turn but then falls to the mat. He hooks Tux’s left ankle under his right knee into an indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan applies The Idolizer #2!! Jordan leans back, putting all of his weight and pressure on Tuxedo Mask’s twisted legs.
Phillip Blauer: What happened to Idolizer #1?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (checks his notes) It appears it was retired.
Phillip Blauer: Ah. I see. That’s why as a Three Time Desert News Hawk Award Winner, I have to ask the important questions.
The fans jeer and heckle Anthony Jordan as he uses his right foot to keep Tux’s right leg from breaking the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan pushes on Tuxedo Mask’s right knee with his left leg to maximize the pain of the Idolizer #2!
Anthony Jordan works his way up to his feet with the indian deathlock still applied
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan falls back to the ground with The Idolizer #2, wrenching on those trapped knees of Tuxedo Mask!
Tuxedo Mask cries out in pain. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Tux refuses to give up Jordan turns Tuxedo Mask onto his stomach while maintaining the indian deathlock.The Palm Springs fans boo. Tuxedo Mask reaches out for the ropes but Anthony Jordan is relentless, and yanks him backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask grabs for the ropes again, but Anthony Jordan has him too far away in The Idolizer #2!
Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Tuxedo Mask wants to tap out but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan clamps down on The Idolizer #2 and Tuxedo Mask is forced to tap out!
The Acrisure Arena boos as “The Best" by Tina Turner plays and Anthony Jordan releases The Idolizer #2
Greg Jin: “At 7 minutes 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: A very dominant victory for Beth Cleo’s reclamation project!
Kelly O’Connell raises Anthony Jordan’s arm in victory as Tuxedo Mask holds his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan was relentless with the Idolizer #2 until it meant certain victory. I think it’s more devastating than The Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: We’ll see if his partner makes it a clean sweep for Nowa Out in the stretcher match with Roscoe Law.
Anthony Jordan passes booing fans with some giving him the finger
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan with an impressive win here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Hardkore headquarters… The Office… Palm Springs, California. Judy Valentine Jr. is busy at work in her cubicle, wearing a thin sweatshirt with a picture of a baby elephant. It says “I NEED YOUR SUITCASE… I ONLY HAVE A LITTLE TRUNK”.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (talking to herself as she looks at the pile of letters on her desk) Goodness. It always seems that the postman is the busiest right before this show. (looks at a bill) “Palm Springs Fire Department”. Better pay this quick. (She opens the envelope and looks at its contents. Her eyes get as big as saucers.) Holy Jumpin’ In-and-Out! This can’t be right! Why does our fire coverage cost so much more this year?
An off-screen voice is heard.
Voice: You must be Judy Jr.
Judy looks up and her face turns pale
Judy Valentine Jr.: …You.
Roscoe Law takes a seat on the edge of Judy’s desk, nudging a knick knack over for space. He smiles and takes her hand
Roscoe Law: I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Well, now I know why our PSFD bill is so much this year.
Roscoe Law: (chuckles) Oh, Judy! You’re such a pip! Now I know you’re talking about 2008 and we all know that… (recites the prepared statement by heart) …’‘I had no knowledge of the events leading to the terrible fire that consumed the Palm Springs Convention Center in 2008 and was an unwitting participant thereof.’
Judy Valentine Jr.: I was told you and that X fellow were…
Roscoe Law: (wags his finger at her) Ah, ah, ah. Matthew X served his suspension and made an apology - probably - so everything is “jim dandy” in the eyes of the law and management.
Judy Valentine Jr.: You both wore firemen’s uniforms! No wonder they’re sticking it to us this year.
Roscoe Law: (grabs a knick knack) Hey, this is cute! Is this one of those famous elephants I’ve heard so much about?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Please be careful wi…
Roscoe Law: (keeps talking) You know, the zoo in Green Bay has all sorts of exotic critters. A lion, a bear, a giraffe, wolves, bobcats, bison, elk…
Judy Valentine Jr.: You know, I’m really quite busy with…
Roscoe Law: …monkeys, a moose, a lynx, another lynx. And there’s a big enclosure in the middle of the whole zoo, Judy. Do you know what’s in there?
Judy Valentine Jr.: …An elephant?
Roscoe Law: Nope! Whitetail deer. Can you believe it? A whole bunch of them in this huge pen in the middle of the zoo. And Wisconsin is a state full of whitetail deer, Judy.
Judy Valentine Jr.: I really don’t…
Roscoe Law: No, Judy. We are lousy with whitetail deer. You can’t move without tripping over them. They’re in every cornfield across the state. Why that zoo would need a huge pen of something you can see dead on the side of the road anywhere instead of an elephant is beyond me. And you could fit two elephants in there, Judy! So much room for pachyderm activities! (suddenly shifts gears) I understand your Richie is the referee for the stretcher match!
Judy Valentine Jr.: (raises voice) Um, “Referee Richardson” is…
Roscoe Law: Oh, right! (gives her an exaggerated wink) Well, he seems to be a smart young fellow and I can’t wait to talk to him during the match. Maybe I’ll learn some secrets about a certain someone. (another exaggerated wink) You know, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. Just like you, Judy! And now that we’re friends, I hope I’ll see you at my match. Did I mention I’m bringing snacks? Fine Wisconsin cuisine, too.
Judy Valentine Jr.: There’s no time for…
Roscoe Law: (takes her hand) Well, I need to go, dear. I will see you at the show. With snacks!
Roscoe walks off happily as Judy is left somewhat dumbfounded after the barrage of conversation. Roscoe suddenly reappears.
Roscoe Law: You know, I’m glad I got to talk to you, Judy. This was nice.
Roscoe walks off again as Judy is left even more confused.
Fade up on the ring supplied with tables, ladders and chairs at ringside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out to Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: I think that was the first time I ever saw someone out-chatterbox Judy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Me too. Coming up is the next installment in what is always a heartstopping series between Simon Cruise and The Sheik over the Hardkore West Coast Championship. It all started back in June of 2023 in Dublin, Ireland when Simon Cruise beat The Sheik in a ladder match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023 for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Simon Cruise won the West Coast belt in Denver. Then at Hardkore Helloween 2023, The Sheik pinned Cruise in one of the barbed wire battle royals. In San Diego, The Sheik beat Simon Cruise for the Hardkore West Coast Championship, and now tonight, they wrestle one another to see who goes on to face Hardkore West Coast Champion Syberus.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Acrisure Arena and the Palm Springs audience leaps to their feet. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the California crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is one of the most important nights in Simon Cruise’s career. He feels like he built the Hardkore West Coast title up to what it is in 2024, and wants it back around his waist.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hasn’t been sleeping well since his loss to Florida Man in Phoenix. But he’s trying to put that all out of his mind to get his Hardkore West Coast Championship back. He says he and The Sheik have become synonymous with this title and wants to steal the show here at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and get his beloved West Coast title back around his waist. But first, Simon Cruise must win the rubber match against one of his greatest rivals.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, the rubber match. An old Russo throwback where two men fight over a condom. We’ve seen some classics!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like what?
Phillip Blauer: Oh, you know the one. I believe it was on Thunder. Jimmy Hart managed one of the poor fellows. I believe the other guy was named MadNezz?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh yeah, that was good.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is to determine the Number One Contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship! for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Palm Springs lets out a loud pop
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Acrisure Arena boos. The Sheik walks out, threatening to backhand members of the audience. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik feels he never should have lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship in the first place. Malcolm Xavier Graves believes because of the controversial ending, he should have been granted an immediate rematch. So he is none too happy tonight in this TLC match, which makes him a dangerous man. The last time he was here was in October when he and Kilroy teamed up in a ladder match against Dutch Express, The Anointed, and Team Fairtex, where The End won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he defeated Alexander Von Blankenship in a stairway to heaven match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he beat Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match with Malcolm Xavier Graves suspended in a cage over the ring.
Phillip Blauer: Tonight, Simon’s surfboard will be in the cage to prevent any interference.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it isn’t.
Phillip Blauer: You’d have to admit, that would be pretty boss.
The Sheik smacks the “MXG Definitely Has A Kimono” sign out of a fan’s hands, while another fan gets on camera holding up his “Cruise Dudes” sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves is threatening to take The Sheik and leave the West Coast and Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: And I’m going with him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I had no idea you two were so close.
Phillip Blauer: We’re not. I just hate it here.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The boos thunder down from above.
For A Hardkore West Coast Title Shot
The Sheik goes for Simon’s legs, but he hops over his arms. Simon Cruise goes for a high kick but Sheik avoids it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men have fought several times over the past year, both leery of one another’s tactics. Simon Cruise goes to lock up, but Sheik basement dropkicks his knees.
The Sheik tries to capitalize but Simon Cruise rolls away. They both get back up to a vertical base
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise avoids Sheik’s clutches and gives him a basement dropkick of his own!
Phillip Blauer: What’s good for The Sheik is good for The Surfer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik retreats into the corner and catches Simon’s leg as he tries to kick him, but Simon spins around into an enzuigiri!
The crowd cheers. Simon Cruise jumps onto the middle of the second rope rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise hops off the middle of the second rope with a springboard leg drop!
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Looks like someone is hoping to avoid the tables, ladders, and the chairs part.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think so, I just think The Sheik is so dangerous you need to put him away as soon as you can.
The Sheik and Simon Cruise get to their feet and lock up, but The Sheik does a go behind into a cradle into a knee bar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls back on Cruise’s leg, Simon tries to kick him off but The Sheik hangs tight.
Simon finally rolls over and grabs the rope and Tommy Milligan taps Sheik to release the knee bar. The Sheik and Simon Cruise rolls back to their feet. They circle one another cautiously and then lock up into a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backs Simon Cruise back into the ropes, and then Tommy Milligan forces them to break.
Phillip Blauer: Will we get a clean break?
The Sheik blasts Simon Cruise with a right hand, and then another
Phillip Blauer: Apparently not.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes Cruise’s face into the turnbuckle.
The Sheik irish whips him chest first into the turnbuckles, and Cruise back pedals out of the corner. Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps back into a springboard flying heel kick!
The Palm Springs fans boo. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a splash on Simon Cruise!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Sheik gets up and stomps Cruise in the back. He pulls Simon up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik dips down for a back body drop, but Simon butterflies his arms and drops down into a double underhook facebuster!
The Acrisure Arena comes to life with a big pop! Simon Cruise gives the crowd the hang loose sign. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself up but The Sheik dropkicks him to the floor!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos and Simon Cruise smacks the railing on the way down. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells instructions and soon Cruise pulls himself up by the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over into a somersault senton to Simon Cruise on the floor!!
The audience jeers. One fan tries to high five The Sheik but he slaps his hand away and flinches at him
Phillip Blauer: Way too familiar, buddy.
Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik bridge a table against the railing and the apron. Sheik pulls Cruise up by the hair and leads him over to the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik bashes Cruise’s head into the bridged table!
Sheik goes for another one, but Simon Cruise cracks him with a reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with another blistering chop to The Sheik’s pectorals. He slams Sheik’s face into the table that he and MXG bridged across the apron!
Simon Cruise gets up on the apron and jumps off, nailing The Sheik between the eyes with a kneelift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!!
The crowd roars. Simon Cruise scoops The Sheik up and drops his gut on the steel railing, hanging him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise stands up on the apron, getting his balance, and then jumps off with a guillotine leg drop to the back of Sheik’s head!
The Acrisure Arena chants “CRUISE! CRUISE! CRUISE!” and Simon gives them the hang loose sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon hops over the railing but The Sheik tosses a chair at his head!!
Phillip Blauer: Boy howdy. That probably cost Cruise this morning’s surf report.
The Sheik tosses Simon Cruise back over the railing into the ringside area. Malcolm Xavier Graves tosses a chair over the ropes into the ring. The Sheik rolls Cruise back into the ring and follows him in
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps the back of Simon Cruise’s head. He picks up the chair and tosses it at Simon Cruise’s head!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH” at the sound of the chair ringing through The Acrisure Arena. The Sheik pulls Cruise up and leans him in the corner, and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. He sets a chair up in front of Simon in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs and vaults off the standing chair onto the side of the top rope, but Simon pushes him and crotches him on the top rope! He jumps off with a roundhouse kick that knocks the perched Sheik to the floor!!
The Palm Springs crowd pops loudly as The Sheik tumbles to the floor. Simon Cruise goes outside, and then rolls Sheik back into the ring, but hangs him off the side of the apron. Simon puts a chair over Sheik’s face and then rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the second turnbuckle and hops over the ropes with a guillotine leg drop to the chair over The Sheik’s face!!
The audience chants “CRUISE! CRUISE! CRUISE!” Simon Cruise rolls him back into the ring and hooks a sleeper hold on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise locks on the sleeper, trying to put The Sheik out.
Phillip Blauer: Could you imagine the kind of dreams that fellow has? (shudders) It gives me the willies.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik fights his way to his feet, and elbows Cruise in the stomach until he releases the sleeper. Sheik shoots him into the ropes, but Simon comes back with a Bitchin Dropkick!
Malcolm Xavier Graves slides one of the ladders into the ring towards the recovering Sheik. Sheik picks up the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik turns around but Simon Cruise standing side kicks that ladder into his face!!
The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of the ladder rattling off of The Sheik’s face, and out of the ring. Cruise pulls him up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scoops him up into a northern lights bomb!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He lifts The Sheik up and drops him on his head with a scoop slam piledriver!
Phillip Blauer: That was the same move twice.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs the top rope and double stomps the back of The Sheik’s head!
Simon Cruise pulls The Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He dips down for a back drop, but Sheik turns around and gets back flipped onto his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise ducks under a clothesline and comes back with a cartwheel into a spinning kick! Listen to this crowd, they love Simon Cruise. The last time Cruise was here in Palm Springs was in October when he successfully defended the Hardkore West Coast Championship against a masked Kalmin Watts, who we now know was Bobby Nowa. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he defeated Little Dragon.
Phillip Blauer: These people would react the same way if a Pink’s Hot Dog opened here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why have you heard something? Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a frog splash!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Simon Cruise rolls out of the ring and grabs the ladder. He picks it up and places it on the apron to get it under the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and baseball slide kicks the chair into Simon Cruise’s face!!
The Acrisure Arena audibly winces as the ladder cracks Cruise in the face. Simon crumples to the floor, holding his face. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls Simon up
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is MXG doing? He’s not involved in this match.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just helping the poor lad up. Took quite a nasty spill, you must have missed it.
Graves rolls Simon Cruise onto the apron. The Sheik pulls him up by the hair, standing him up on the ring apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik lifts Simon up in a suplex, and then drop his stomach on the top rope!
The air goes out of Simon’s lungs and he noticeably gasps. Sheik sets up a chair near the ropes, and then pulls Cruise backwards through the top and second ropes. He lies Simon’s head down on the seat of the chair, with his legs resting on the second rope. Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off the top with a flying leg drop onto the bridged Simon Cruise’s face while his head is on that chair!!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly and The Sheik makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
The Sheik stomps Cruise a few times, then kicking him until he rolls out onto that bridged table against the apron and the guardrail. Sheik sets up the chair by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair and leaps into the air, but Simon Cruise springboards off the top rope and catches him mid-air with a diving clothesline!!!
The crowd erupts in disbelief and the audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two know each other so well. They can anticipate one another’s next move!
Phillip Blauer: Just like I know Greyson’s favorite soft cheese is roquefort.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have no idea what that is.
Phillip Blauer: Oh right, it’s Velveeta.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) That’s actually true. It’s got a smooth and creamy texture with a bouquet of savory, meaty, and brothy flavors.
Simon Cruise rolls The Sheik onto the ladder and steps up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backflips into a moonsault but Sheik rolls out of the way and Cruise lands on the ladder!!
The Palm Springs audience loudly winces at the clang of Simon’s ribs hitting the steel ladder. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands The Sheik another chair as he’s climbing to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik somersaults off the top turnbuckle into a leg drop with the chair underneath his legs to Cruise’s face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks the chair up and tosses it at the laying Cruise’s head!!
The sound rings through The Acrisure Arena. Sheik stomps Simon in the chest, and then pulls him up. He irish whips Cruise into the ropes and clotheslines him, then lies Cruise on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik sets up that other chair near the ropes and hits the ropes. He hops off the chair into the middle of the top rope into a triple jump moonsault on the ladder!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: Cruise’s body has nowhere to go but hurt!
The Sheik fireman’s carries Cruise up on his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He drags the chair over to the corner and backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and vaults off the chair, but Cruise jumps off the second rope but this time Sheik slingblades him in mid-air!!
The Sheik lands and pops up from the impact, and then makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as The Sheik rolls over with his arm in the air. “Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays in the background
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 45 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Champion Syberus!
Malcolm Xavier Graves holds up The Sheik’s arm victoriously. Simon Cruise holds his ribs and comes over to shake Sheik’s hand
Phillip Blauer: Simple Simon might snatch back a bloody stump.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has said that he wanted to make a statement about the Hardkore West Coast title and it’s lineage, and he wants to end it honorably with The Sheik.
The Sheik snarls at Cruise’s outstretched hand and smacks it away. The Palm Springs fans boo
Phillip Blauer: See?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The winner of tonight’s iron man match has The Sheik waiting for them.
(It is hours before the show begins and a figure is standing motionless in the ring arms crossed a ring light shines from above showing a cat like figure that turns out to be Black Tiger.)
Black Tiger: "Ever since I won the Hardkore World Women's Championship everyone asks who will you face next and will you actually face them and I always tell them. I'll face anyone, anytime and any place in any match which has always been my mantra. It has always been my mantra and shall always be my mantra."
(She pauses snarling silently.)
Black Tiger: "All over the world I have travelled and faced all comers during my career. I have never backed down from an opponent or backed out of a match and tonight is no exception."
(Black Tiger growls ominous silently.)
Black Tiger: "Tonight is no exception and tonight I face Lady Liberty. Nice dramatic entrance you made at the last show Lady Liberty. I guess it took plenty of money or whatever currency you use in the future to wire yourself to simulate flight. Don't worry I can understand that your currency doesn't stretch as far as ours.....Come to think of it neither does ours these days."
(She shrugs slowly.)
Black Tiger: "But I digress. Now back to us Lady Liberty I guess you didn't just do a typical superhero landing into the ring and eye me face to face like everyone else. Then again you would have landed on your butt if you did something stupid and I decked you for it. Yeah Lady Liberty I guess that was predicted in advance since you have a time ship and you saw the future for the previous show."
(Black Tiger snorts derisively.)
Black Tiger: "Oh by the way Lady Liberty I do plan on acquiring Punisher's Peacemaker but not as my own. I do plan on returning Punisher's Peacemaker back to him since it's his and not yours or Captain Righteous. Then again the so-called Captain will probably hide it to prevent his trophy from being returned to his rightful owner."
(She snarls more ominously.)
Black Tiger: "Does your Captain's so-called 988 steps include braining people with someone else's weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if it gives him an unearned trophy namely my Hardkore World Women's Championship."
(Black Tiger growls more ominously.)
Black Tiger: "Oh I did notice something that surprises me Lady Liberty. You haven't been running your mouth and neither has your so-called big ego Captain Righteous. I guess this tiger's got yours and Righteous's tongue. You two are usually targeting helpless alien species and trying to get back to the present reality if you know what that is. Then again I digress."
(She pauses and the silence is more ominous.)
Black Tiger: "So tonight Lady Liberty the comic book closes for you and if Captain Righteous interferes and that's always possible since he loves a good villain ending. When I'm done with you Punisher will have his Peacemaker back no matter the cost. Lady Liberty I'll take your cape as a trophy if ylou don't mind which I know you will. I'll see you in the ring."
(She pauses one last time.)
Black Tiger: "Oh I'll also see you in the XHF Rumble. Good luck there when I throw you over the top without a cape and you can see if you can actually fly."
(The scene slowly fades to black.)
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades up on an ambulance with it’s lights and sirens on driving out to the Acrisure Arena. It follows it through back entrance, and then straight out to the ringside area. It turns around and then backs it’s way towards the ring
Phillip Blauer: Dave Meltzer should give five stars to a guy that can do a three point turn in an arena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the ambulance that might be needed for our big stretcher match! Roscoe Law retired in 2009 after he lost in this very city of Palm Springs during the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup tag team tournament, when Bobby Nowa interfered and hit The Crater Drop codebreaker costing Law and Matthew X a third round match to Better Than Sex, “Vile” Vince Viper and Spike Nelson.
Phillip Blauer: Nowa was looking to start something with Ross, and wound up chasing him out of the business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Phoenix, Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa came out after Roscoe defeated “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse and threatened to retire Roscoe a second time in the stretcher match tonight!
“Suicide is Painless” by the Manic Street Preachers plays and the Palm Springs fans boo. A sweaty Anthony Jordan leads Bobby Nowa down to the ring past the ambulance. Jordan points to it and says “Roscoe’s ride is here!”
Guillermo O’Bannon:It looks as though Anthony Jordan reconsidered not accompanying Nowa to the ring. Maybe some more mind games on his part. As an amateur wrestler himself, Anthony Jordan must have followed Roscoe when he was four time NCAA Champion out of Wisconsin. But now he’s got Bobby Nowa looking very confident tonight, no doubt thanks to his manager Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: Tony Jo, if that’s what I can call him, walks the walk, and talks the talk. We saw his victory earlier tonight against Tuxedo Mask. Bobby just needs to follow his example.
Bobby Nowa slowly walks to the ring with no acknowledgement of the jeering fans, passing a “Maim Bobby Nowa” and “Roscoe Owes Bobby A Trip On The Stretcher” signs
Phillip Blauer: Bobby Nowa has crowed in the back about putting Roscoe Law out to pasture for years. You can’t take that away from him. It’s his whole thing. Shake his hand, and hear about exploding Roscoe’s pec with The Crater Drop. I know every pause and beat of that story by now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Bobby Nowa was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2012 when he defeated a little person by the name of Warwick Von Silverstein.
Phillip Blauer: A real classic for the tape traders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, Nowa lost to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa has short messy dark brown hair, and a full thick beard with touches of gray in it. He wears black boots, with dark green & white tights, and a matching headband. He wears a t-shirt that says “That’s What She Said”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan supporting Nowa in his singles endeavor here tonight, saying Roscoe has to be dealt with now before he becomes a bigger problem down the road.
Phillip Blauer: Like silverfish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan and Nowa as Nowa Out are quite the tag team, but at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, Bobby Nowa wants to put Roscoe out again. And he wants him to stay out; so he’ll be pulling out all the stops in this stretcher match.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I just got that. “That’s what she said.” Probably, huh??
Phil laughs for entirely too long
Greg Jin: “The following is a Stretcher Match! The match will not end until one of the competitors is taken out by medical staff on a stretcher. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches; Weighing 242 pounds; The Keystone Krippler…BOBBY NOWA!!!”
The audience boos as Nowa loosens up in the ring. Anthony Jordan tells Bobby to block it all out as he nods
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro triggers the entrance and “LAW” in red on a black screen as classic Roscoe Law clips play throughout the entrance. Pyro shoots from the floor as Roscoe walks out eating a pickled egg, and carrying a tray of snacks. He stands at the top of the stage as he surveys the roaring audience’s reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: There he is. Roscoe Law, who started winning titles 34 years ago in 1989! He’s a four time NCAA wrestling champion for Wisconsin and a former Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore Midwest Champion, Hardkore Television Champion, CWF European Champion, CWF European Tag Team Champion, CWF World Six Man Television Champ, a three time CCW World Heavyweight Champion, IWA Wisconsin State Champion, IEWL BRAWL Champion, SWA United States Tag Team Champion, CCW Television Champion, CCW Louisiana State Champion, a four time CCW Tag Team Champion, a CCW Bayou Tag Team Champion and a two time VSW Tag Team Champion.
Phillip Blauer: A man that can get over on the West Coast, Midwest, the Bayou…and Europe? That type of charisma needs to be studied in a lab.
A fan, overcome with emotion, hugs Roscoe Law. He’s wearing a vintage “I Fought The Law, And The Law Won” t-shirt. Ross takes a moment to talk to the middle aged man and offer him a pickled egg or snack of his choice
Phillip Blauer: Get a grip, friend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That guy is probably just remembering the heartstopping nights here in this city, at this pay-per-view. Palm Springs Punishment 2008 when he defeated Syberus for the Hardkore Midwest Championship. Or Palm Springs Punishment 2007, when he was one of the few defeats on Rated X’s record.
Phillip Blauer: Still, it’s important to keep any emotions strictly rationed. Your feelings are none of your concern. Ross knows that, he’s from Wisconsin for Pete's sake. Just look at his office, it’s like repression is his wallpaper.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is able to separate the fan and Roscoe Law, so that Ross can continue to slap the hands of the fans that flock to the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe contends that Bobby Nowa did not end his career, and he didn’t even remember that he had cost Law and Matthew X their match that night in the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup.
Phillip Blauer: He can deny the fact that Bobby hit him with his finish, and then he never wanted to wrestle ever, ever again all he wants. But taking shots at another guy’s best girl? Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
Roscoe gets caught talking to another woman at ringside. Her husband comes over and they take a selfie before Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is able to rescue him once again from his fans. He walks over to the announce position near Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law says the mere fact that Nowa thinking he retired him for seventeen years means that he lived in his head rent free, and gives Roscoe the advantage.
Roscoe Law: (smiles) Guillermo!
Roscoe pats O’Bannon on the shoulder and then turns to Phil, looking at him emotionless as he sets the snacks down on the announce table
Roscoe Law: …Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: (cordial but cold) Rosstopher.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, will you stop? He brought cheese.
Law looks around at everyone else
Roscoe Law: Well, there should be enough for everyone. (points out the snacks to O’Bannon and Blauer) These are Wisconsin cheese curds. Eat them while they’re fresh or they won’t squeak. And these… (points to the eggs and describes them excitedly) …are eggs pickled in a mustard brine. There’s a little heat to them but they are top notch. Enjoy… and don’t waste them. This is a goddamn party!
Roscoe Law stands on the apron and raises his arm to a huge pop from The Acrisure Arena. He nods and steps through the ropes into the ring, eyeing Nowa and Anthony Jordan. Referee Richie Richardson wanders over and starts taking cheese curds
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie, I don’t think you’re supposed to eat cheese that a wrestler in your match brought you.
Richie Richardson: (mouth full of cheese) Why not?
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, why not? Do you know who his mom is?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, it’s Judy, but Phil, we’re not supposed to tell…
Phillip Blauer: Lemme try one of these eggs. “A little heat”. He’s from Wisconsin, what does he know about heat? I’m from San Diego. I once had several bites of a chalupa with extra sour cream.
Phil bites into the egg and chews for a while, then it hits him
Phillip Blauer: It’s like chewing on a red hot charcoal briquet!! Quick, I need breast milk!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and runs off to fetch some, but keeps changing his mind on which way to go
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law says the mere fact that Nowa thinking he retired him for seventeen years means that he lived in his head rent free…
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock. Why I have several roustabouts living in my entryway closet and I never give them a second thought.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do they pay rent?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) Of course they do! Why, imagine if they didn’t? I… I… couldn’t… The very idea makes me just furious. I… I don’t feel so good.
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe has short salt & pepper hair and sports a short salt & pepper beard. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed in red on them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Now Roscoe’s back after that fateful night here in Palm Springs, when he walked away from the business, at the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup, to put Bobby exactly where he said he put Ross, on a stretcher.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Roscoe seems blown away by the reaction and thanks the fans huge ovation
Stretcher Match
Bobby Nowa runs up on Roscoe and whacks him with a hard knife edge chop to his chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa hits Roscoe with another hard chop that backs him into the ropes. He irish whips Law into the ropes and back drops him high into the air!
The audience boos but Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Roscoe gets up but Bobby flips him over with an over the shoulder armdrag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa applies an armbar.
Phillip Blauer: Prepare the stretcher!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think that’s necessary, Phil. He sticks his knee into the ball of Nowa’s shoulder and cranks back on it.
Roscoe is able to get to his with Nowa hanging onto the armbar. He backs Bobby into the ropes and then uses his arm barred arm and the other one to belly to belly suplex Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe escapes the arm bar and shoots Bobby into the ropes, hitting him with a dropkick!
Law pulls Nowa up by the hair, ties their legs up and snaps back into a russian legsweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law rocks Nowa with a right hand. He goes for another, but Bobby ducks and atomic drops him into the corner. He backs up and gives Roscoe a double ax handle. Bobby Nowa backs up even further into the kitty corner
Phillip Blauer: We should really let 9 Lives or Fancy Feast sponsor our kitty corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa charges in with a stinger splash! He grabs Roscoe by the arm and pulls him out of the corner with a shortarm clothesline.
Bobby Nowa grabs a reverse chinlock. The audience boos as Anthony Jordan yells encouragement from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa attempting to wear down the larger Roscoe…
Phillip Blauer: Bring out the stretcher, lads!
The Palm Springs crowd chants “ROSCOE! ROSCOE! ROSCOE!” as Roscoe tries to fight his way back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law now works his way back to his feet but Bobby Nowa is still hanging on to that reverse chinlock. Roscoe fires an elbow into Bobby’s bread basket, and then a second one frees him from the chinlock. He tries to kick him in the stomach, but Nowa catches his foot. So Law swings around with an enzuigiri!
The audience comes to life with a big pop! Roscoe pulls Nowa up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law spinebusters Nowa so hard that the impact pops him back up onto his feet! He grabs his legs and turns him over into a scorpion deathlock!
Roscoe sits down low to put the pressure on Bobby’s lower back and knees. Anthony Jordan yells instructions on how to escape
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no submissions in this match, but Roscoe attempting to injure something to necessitate that stretcher.
Bobby Nowa finally crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the ropes. Richie Richardson taps Roscoe on the shoulder to release the scorpion deathlock. He does and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law hits him right in the mush with a missile dropkick!
Roscoe double underhooks Nowa’s arms, but Nowa blocks it, and backdrops him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa catches Roscoe getting back up with a side crescent kick!
Nowa pulls him up and applies an abdominal stretch. He pulls back on Roscoe’s arm, and with his free hand graps the rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa using the ropes for an unfair advantage on that abdominal stretch.
Phillip Blauer: Well, the idea is to put the other chap on a stretcher. All’s fair and what not?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I just think if he wants to claim that he put Roscoe on a stretcher, he should do it admirably.
Phillip Blauer: (pretends his hand is a book) Let me check the record book for the column for “won admirably”. Hmm. Not seeing it. Maybe it’s in the moral victories section…(licks his thumb and turns an invisible page)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. I get it. Roscoe Law hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He irish whips Nowa into the corner, but Bobby bounces off the turnbuckles and hits him with a lariat!
The wind goes out of the audience’s sails with that as Hardkore Cameraman Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Anthony Jordan chuckling
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa applies a chicken wing crossface. He clamps down on Roscoe’s windpipe with the hammerlock, pulling the taller Law down to an awkward position.
Phillip Blauer: Oh dear.
The Acrisure Arena chants “ROSCOE!! ROSCOE!! ROSCOE!!” as Anthony Jordan shushes them. Roscoe uses their support to slip out of the chicken wing crossface with his free arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law does a go behind and applies a crossface chicken wing of his own to Bobby Nowa!
The crowd pops and suddenly it’s Bobby Nowa looking to escape the crossface chicken wing. Law cranks up on his bent back arm, while choking him with his forearm and elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law kicks the back of Nowa’s knee, and puts him down to his knees into a surfboard. He sticks his knee into the middle of Bobby’s back and pulls back on his arms.
Roscoe tries to pull Bobby’s arms out of his sockets, Nowa shouts out in pain. Law gives his arms another yank, and then wraps Nowa’s own arms around his neck in a straightjacket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe converts it into a straightjacket submission maneuver. He pulls back on Nowa’s hands and wrists, continuing to wear down Bobby’s arms and back for that stretcher.
Phillip Blauer: You know that looks painful but I’ve had the opportunity to wear some real ones after a few unfortunate misunderstandings and they’re actually quite nice. Kind of like getting swaddled like a little baby.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Ok. Roscoe climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying headbutt, but Bobby Nowa rolls out of the way!
The Palm Springs crowd boos. Bobby Nowa works the pain out of his shoulder, and then pulls Roscoe up into a full nelson, and then pitches forward into a skull crushing finale
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosebud!
Phillip Blauer: The sled?? I had a friend that was looking for that thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle and then jumps off, crashing down onto a rising Ross with a double ax handle! He sits on Law’s back and applies a camel clutch.
Nowa links his fingers underneath Roscoe’s chin and rocks back with his head and neck. He sits back low on the taller Law’s back, nearly bending him in half
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa releases the camel clutch and climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. He waits for Roscoe to get to his feet and then nails him with a flying dropkick that knocks Law out of the ring!
Anthony Jordan casually walks over and kicks Roscoe in the stomach on the floor, and The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!
Phillip Blauer: He tripped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tripped?! This isn’t a handicap match, it’s a stretcher match!
Phillip Blauer: Easy mistake to make.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa grabs Law by the legs, and then slingshots him face first into the corner post!!
The audience winces at the sound of Roscoe’s head ringing off the ring post
Phillip Blauer: He’s out! Bring the stretcher!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m afraid you might be right. Anthony Jordan now calling over Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his staff.
The Acrisure Arena boos as David Valentine Jr. and his crew load Roscoe onto the stretcher
Phillip Blauer: Well, look, you can’t blame a guy for trying. He wanted to see if he still had it and…(takes a bite of another egg) Hoochimama!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why do you keep eating them?? Wait, Roscoe grabs David by the arm and is refusing to go on the stretcher ride! This match continues!
Phillip Blauer: It’s like swallowing the sun!
Bobby Nowa hammers Roscoe a few times with right hands while he’s on the stretcher, then dumps him off of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe will superkick one end of the fully extended stretcher so that the other end catches Nowa in the throat!
The audience comes to life as Nowa clutches his throat and back pedals until he’s leaning against the apron. Meanwhile Roscoe, collapses the stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: While Nowa is propped up against the apron, Law grabs one end of the stretcher and baseball swings it lengthwise into Nowa’s chest!!
Phillip Blauer: Wait, and Nowa wasn’t allowed to hold the ropes during an abdominal stretch, Richie??
Roscoe Law pins get Nowa’s head between the adjustable headrest of the stretcher and the bar underneath, and then climbs to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law flying elbow drops the padded part of the stretcher from the top rope to pinch his neck in there!!
Roscoe Law drapes Nowa’s upper body draped over the padding of the stretcher but his feet are still touching the ground. He asks Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson if that counts.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, don’t ask Richie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe did state that he wasn’t quite sure how this kind of match worked.
Richie scratches the back of his head and said “Probably not.” Roscoe respectfully nods and says “Just checking.” Roscoe Law fully extends the stretcher and then pulls Nowa so he’s standing dazed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law and then fully grabs the stretcher and, from behind, drops the bottom part of the ‘X’ framework over Nowa’s head!!
The crowd roars. Bobby Nowa’s arms and torso are trapped in the framework with the heavy part with the pad and most of the stretcher framework is at his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe adjusts the height on the stretcher with Nowa in the framework and to make it as tight as possible so Nowa’s arms are pinned tightly to his side and he can’t move!
Phillip Blauer: Typical midwesterner, has to show he knows how to adjust things. Very “look at me”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you’re literally holding a mirror right now.
Phillip Blauer: (making kissy faces at himself)
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Nowa tries to get his balance, Roscoe superkicks him, easily knocking him over because of the back weight!
The stretcher is upside down, trapping Nowa in the framework face up, legs dangling. Roscoe once again asks Richie Richardson if this counts as a win as Nowa is hanging there right above the pad, but Richie shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Give em hell, Richie!
Roscoe Law shrugs and climbs up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law comes off the second rope with an elbow drop to Nowa’s neck!
Law once again asks Richie Richardson if this counts as a win as Nowa is hanging there right above the pad. Richie checks and then shakes his head. Roscoel shrugs and starts to chuckle
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That doesn’t surprise me.
Roscoe Law flips the stretcher over with Nowa trapped and get it on its wheels so now Nowa faces the ground directly above it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe grabs Nowa by the ankles and drags him to the open area where the ambulance is parked!
Phillip Blauer: I thought it was just a gimmick ambulance?! I left my Panda Express in there backstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law gives Nowa the cesaro swing on the stretcher into the ambulance!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with a loud “OH!” After some time, Bobby Nowa recovers and starts kicking his legs trying to escape and then realizes he can push with his feet to roll the stretcher away, very slowly. Roscoe walks over to grab the ring bell and takes his time smiling and watching Nowa trying to scoot away while pinned in the stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe takes the ring bell and cracks him in the back of the head!!
Roscoe studies the stretcher mechanism to find where you lock its height. Law takes the ring bell and busts the locking mechanism so that the stretcher would fall flat to floor level if someone wasn’t trapped in it. Roscoe Law quickly climbs onto the ambulance roof directly above the now-broken stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe comes off the top of that ambulance and lands on the stretcher pad with his full weight, crushing Nowa in the framework!!
Phillip Blauer: That is now an ex-stretcher.
The Palm Springs audience chants “ROSCOE LAW!! ROSCOE LAW!! ROSCOE LAW!!” Roscoe grabs a chair from a fan
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law slams that chair on the top of the stretcher a few times to continue to crush Nowa in the stretcher!!
Roscoe Law grabs another nearby stretcher
Phillip Blauer: There’s a back up stretcher??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently.
Roscoe lowers the stretcher all the way down to the floor and locks the wheels so it doesn’t roll. He drags the stretcher with Nowa and pulls it parallel on top of the other stretcher as if they’re stacked. Roscoe asks Richie Richardson for a ruling, since Nowa and the stretcher he’s trapped in are now on the other stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie signaling for the bell and that is it!
“I Fought The Law” by The Clash plays and the crowd roars Roscoe makes a signal for someone to come out
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 36 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Two masked men in full white outfits with red trim get out of the driver’s section of the ambulance. Their masks have a red cross ( + ) on the forehead
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Interns! The tag team that Roscoe Law managed in the UWA! They secure Bobby Nowa to a stretcher and put him in the back of the ambulance!
Roscoe heads back to the announce desk and takes another pickled egg. He pops the whole thing in his mouth and eats it as he’s heading back to the ambulance
Phillip Blauer: How can he eat those things like that? Show off. He must have picked one of the mild ones.
As Nowa is strapped onto the stretcher, Roscoe climbs into the back of the ambulance and facess the crowd, acknowledging their cheers. Then suddenly, Law holds up a hand as if to pause things. He gets a slightly pained expression on his face and then smiles. Meanwhile, Nowa starts violently thrashing around on the stretcher as Roscoe jumps off the ambulance and The Interns close the back doors
Phillip Blauer: Dear god, I think he just hot boxed the ambulance!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Roscoe I know would never…actually….
The Interns hop in and drive off with Nowa - lights and sirens - as Roscoe looks into the camera held by Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Roscoe Law: (smiling) I have just reinvented the stretcher match. You’re welcome. (he’s about to walk off and stops) And never underestimate a pickled egg fart. (walks off laughing)
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess he did.
Open on b roll of farm animals like goats, pigs, chickens, llamas, and cows
What’s the worst part of petting zoos? Noisy children ruining what should be a serene bonding experience with the animal kingdom. But kids come with the territory, right?”
Wrong.
Introducing
That’s right, a petting zoo for adults and adults only. You can even swear at the animals. They don’t know what you're saying. Just let the expletives fly! Drinks will be served and you can network with other professionals
Fade to Ned walking into the shot of the petting zoo
Ned: Now a lot of you are probably saying, “Ned? Isn’t this a little weird?” Only if you think a lot of guys petting goats is weird. Oh, and no women. Messes up the vibe.
Ned stares at the camera for an uncomfortable amount of time. A pig walks into the shot
Ned: There you are.
Fade up on a shot of Dan Stein’s Peacemaker on a pole, propped up on one of the corners over the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the big showdown between the two biggest men in Hardkore World, “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Captain Righteous. It all started back in February, when Dan Stein was attempting to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship from The Sheik and had him pressed over his head. Captain Righteous came in and crescent kicked Stein in the face, costing him the match and the title. Then, in Ontario, California, Captain Righteous had his cohort Lady Liberty come down to the ring during Stein’s match with The Martian, and strong arm The Peacemaker away from Domino.
Phillip Blauer: I think you mean disarm a dangerous man? Did you see that heinous attack on those good samaritans at that bar in Key West? Do I need to remind you that thing still has people’s hair on it? Imagine him swinging that back and some of that lands in some poor lad’s Coca Cola Classic?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Phoenix, after Captain Righteous’ match with Tuxedo Mask, Dan Stein showed up to take his Peacemaker back.
Phillip Blauer: Most circles would call that thievery.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was his to begin with!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah ok, OJ.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous was able to run off with The Peacemaker, but here tonight, we will see who gets to keep it in a Peacemaker on a Pole match!
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. Fans holds up signs that say “Captain Righteous Is Receiving That Peacemaker Into A Special Place”, “Captain Self Righteous”, and “Fake Superhero”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous making some sick, bizarre threats to Domino, clearly trying to continue his manipulation of Dan Stein mentally.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, like that’s hard to do. He nearly murdered someone for asking him to adhere to the health code.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous becoming obsessed with beating Stein, and maybe even stealing Domino from him.
Phillip Blauer: She’d be better off. At least Captain Righteous has a real job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As what?
Phillip Blauer: A spaceman superhero, you dolt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. We all know how violent and extreme The Punisher can get, but Captain Righteous claims to have no depths he won’t sink to, to win this match.
Phillip Blauer: My hero.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Peacemaker on a Pole Match. It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous puts his hands on his hips and ignores the boos and jeers
Suddenly the Acrisure Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face. They walk past signs that say “The Danimal”, and “Dan The Man”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein didn’t start this, but he is determined to finish it. He is willing to inflict unspeakable violence upon Captain Righteous for stealing The Peacemaker, costing him the Hardkore West Coast Championship, and for what he said about Domino.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever happened to being gracious to our guests?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has been here since December.
Phillip Blauer: So was my mother-in-law, doesn’t mean I get to bash her head in with a wooden pole.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dear lord, is Dorothy’s mother still alive?
Phillip Blauer: No, unfortunately there was an accident where she fell down the stairs right when I was patting her on the back for being such a good mother-in-law. Tragic.
Guillermo slowly slides away, distancing himself from Phil. When Dan Stein enters the ring, instead of his Peacemaker as usual, he thrusts his arm up, to the roar of the crowd.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. As Dan says, this event and this town is very special to him. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, Stein won a 10 man barbed wire battle royal. In June of 2005, he defeated Lucifer Jones in that spiked leather strap match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, he and Lucifer Jones lost the Hardkore World Tag Team titles to the late Adrian Tanner Jr. and Andrew Karnage. At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, he won a Mir match as Hardkore America Champion against Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, the late Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian, Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers. Then when he returned at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane defended the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship over Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. The last time Dan Stein was here was back in October when he lost to Cross Recoba in his Hardkore World Heavyweight title match.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Acrisure Arena lets out an ear splitting pop as Dan Stein takes off his sunglasses and stares at Captain Righteous
Peacemaker on a Pole Match
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’ve been waiting for this since February! Who will budge??
Stein and Righteous are jawing with one another but Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. can’t pick up what they are saying
Phillip Blauer: Look at the look of disdain on Captain Righteous!
Captain Righteous pushes Dan Stein away by the face. The Acrisure Arena roars with boos and Stein touches his face where Righteous pushed him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes back and pushes Captain Righteous backwards!
The audience explodes and Righteous looks furious, brushing his bodysuit where Stein touched him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow! That’s as far as I’ve seen anyone move Captain Righteous since he got to the West Coast!
Phillip Blauer: He probably just slipped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The indignant Captain Righteous comes back with a right hand!
The crowd boos and Dan Stein just nods at a seething Captain Righteous
Phillip Blauer: This is like watching a comic book!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein uncorks a huge punch of his own and Righteous goes into the ropes!
The fans are deafening as Righteous swears revenge at Stein, who beckons him to try it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous charges him but Stein uses his momentum to pick Righteous up and toss him into the corner!!
Righteous is shocked as Dan Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulder into Righteous’ stomach over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous drops down in the corner, but Stein unleashes a flurry of stomps. He puts the bottom of his boot on Righteous’ throat and chokes him!
The fans are going nuts as Kelly O’Connell pleads with Stein to stop choking him. Dan uses the ropes for leverage and uses his entire 285 pounds on Captain Righteous’ windpipe
Phillip Blauer: Someone save him! Kelly??
Guillermo O’Bannon: He scoops Righteous up and running powerslams him out of the corner!
…ONE!
…Dan Stein pulls Captain Righteous up by the hair
The audience cheers as Dan Stein smiles, shaking his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein doesn’t want to end this one yet!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe I can call Mantis or Darkseid? I think I have their numbers here somewhere…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs Captain Righteous’ arm in a fujiwara armbar!
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous looks apoplectic!
Stein pulls up on his arm, bracing against his wrist. Kelly O’Connell asks Captain Righteous if he wants to tap out, but he has some terse words for her. Stein grabs a couple fingers and twists those as well, causing Righteous to cry out in pain. “Be nice!” Stein yells at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous grabs the bottom rope with his free arm, and Kelly O’Connell forces Dan to break the fujiwara armbar. Dan pulls him up into a bearhug!
The crowd roars as Captain Righteous screams in agony. Dan Stein clamps his arms together and tries to squeeze the life out of him. The audience chants “DAN!! DAN!! DAN!!” as Domino leads them on
Phillip Blauer: You know, a crowd can be too loud sometimes. Captain Righteous is trying to concentrate and win a match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Dan Stein is trying to crush Righteous’ ribs with that bearhug! But Captain Righteous does a bell clap to finally escape!
The audience groans, and Righteous runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Dan Stein catches him with a discus clothesline!
The Palm Springs fans pop with delight as Captain Righteous goes down, sprawled out. Dan licks his lips and pulls him up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein scoops Righteous up on his shoulder, but Captain Righteous floats over onto his feet behind him into an inverted facelock, then drops down into a reverse DDT!
The air goes out of the crowd, and Captain Righteous begins strangling Stein on the mat. Kelly O’Connell tries to pull him away from Dan, but Captain Righteous doesn’t budge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gives him a parting headbutt and then gets back to his feet. He backs up and hits the kneeling Stein with a shining wizard!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” and then jeers. Righteous pulls Stein to his feet and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous charges in with a back elbow to Stein’s jaw, rocking his head back. He grabs the ropes and gives Stein some shoulder drives to the gut of his own. He applies a claw to Dan’s skull.
Stein grimaces in pain while Righteous has a look of delight on his face. Domino cheers Stein on and Captain Righteous whips his head around and shouts “Shut up!” The boos fill The Acrisure Arena
Phillip Blauer: I’m telling you, you have to try and keep it down with this guy. He’s got super hearing. He can hear a mouse urinating on cotton.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous squeezes his fingers and thumb into Stein’s temples with that powerful hand of his.
Stein goes down to one knee from the pain as Captain Righteous puts more and more pressure on his forehead and temples
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous backs up, and then charges in, cracking Stein in the skull with a knee strike! He pulls Stein out of the corner with a faceplant DDT!
Captain Righteous disgustedly pushes Stein’s arm away from him and then looks up at The Peacemaker on a Pole
Phillip Blauer: Time for The Punisher to get hoisted by his own petard.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous climbing up the turnbuckles towards that pole, but Stein is now on his feet. Righteous is standing on the second turnbuckle when Dan Stein grabs him from behind with a german suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Drats.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts him up and rolls him around, dropping down into a rude awakening!
Stein pulls Righteous up by the hair, and then lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous hobbles a few steps but Dan Stein catches him and applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his foot and uses that 6’7 frame to bend Captain Righteous backwards.
Kelly O’Connell asks Captain Righteous if he wants to give up, but he calls her a name, so Stein wrenches back on the abdominal stretch harder
Phillip Blauer: Apple polishing the referee? This man knows no shame.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. He irish whips Stein into the ropes and catches him with a flying back elbow!
Captain Righteous brushes off his bodysuit, and pulls Dan Stein up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous with a snap DDT that drills Stein’s skull into the canvas!
The audience boos loudly and Captain Righteous looks startled by their reaction. He goes over and crouches in the corner waiting for Dan to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous runs and hits Dan Stein with a Captain Righteous Punch!
Dan Stein’s head turns to the side, and then he snaps his head back! The crowd erupts in with a deafening pop. A shocked Captain Righteous looks at his fist in confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: It had no effect!
Phillip Blauer: What?? I saw that knock out Mr. Courageous when he tried to stop him from throwing that bus of nuns into the hole in the Hoover Dam!
The audience is on their feet as Dan Stein huffs and puffs as Captain Righteous tries to explain himself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein is hearing none of it and boots Righteous in the stomach. He pulls Captain Righteous up into a suplex! Look at the power!
Dan Stein sits up and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a close up of him smiling at the camera. He pulls Captain Righteous up to his feet and wraps Courageous’ own arm around his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein drops down into a regal cutter! He’s now looking up at The Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: It’s probably just a light that went out in the lighting rig. I’ve been meaning to tell Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. The Martian noticed it while being pinned a few times.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein begins climbing the turnbuckles towards The Peacemaker!
The Palm Springs audience roars louder with each step. Captain Righteous pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gets underneath him and drops Stein on the back of his head with a backdrop driver!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” as both men lie on the mat. Suddenly Captain Righteous sits up and rolls to his feet like a cyborg. He pulls Stein up by his hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous takes him out with a flying clothesline!
The Acrisure Arena boos and Captain Righteous walks over to the corner, and then begins climbing up the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous is on the top turnbuckle and about to grab The Peacemaker…but Stein yanks on his cape and crotches him on the steel cable hook!!
The fans cheer wildly while Captain Righteous’ eyes cross. Dan Stein turns Righteous around so he’s facing the ring, and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a guillotine choke on Righteous while Righteous is perched on the top turnbuckle!
The audience cheers Captain Righteous predicament. Stein uses his full 285 pounds to rock back on RIghteous’ head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls down on Righteous’ head, using gravity to cut off his air!
Kelly O’Connell taps on Stein to let him go, as they're in the corner. The distraction allows Captain Righteous to slowly slip his sweaty head out of Stein’s grasp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous uses his arm to push Stein back down to the ring below!
The crowd jeers as Captain Righteous takes a few minutes to get his breath back, then turns around and stands up on the top turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous has The Peacemaker! It’s back in it’s rightful hands!
The boos rain down from all over The Acrisure Arena as Captain Righteous proudly holds The Peacemaker over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous comes off the top turnbuckle and blasts Dan Stein in the head with it!! He makes the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous irish whips Stein into the ropes and clotheslines him with The Peacemaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous pulls him up by the hair and pushes him against the turnbuckles. He picks up The Peacemaker and jams it into Dan Stein’s ribcage!
Stein crumples to one one knee, gasping for air. Captain Righteous pulls his head into his legs for a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein blocks the piledriver! He stands up with Captain Righteous on his back and flips him forward into an alabama slammer!
The audience comes to life! A woozy Dan Stein tries to clear the cobwebs and then spies The Peacemaker. Then he looks at Captain Righteous laid out on the mat, then back to The Peacemaker
Phillip Blauer: No. No, no, no, no.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes! Dan Stein goes over and retrieves his Peacemaker! Captain Righteous struggles up and is brained by the wooden staff!!
The Palm Springs audience celebrates! Captain Righteous lies there with blood trickling out of his forehead
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dizzy Captain Righteous staggers up to his feet, and Dan nearly takes him out of his boots with a Stein Line!
The audience is coming unglued and Stein walks around the ring, feeding off their energy. Captain Righteous rolls to his side and bleeds all over the canvas. Dan Stein picks up The Peacemaker and climbs onto Righteous’ back
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a camel clutch with The Peacemaker!! He sits back, nearly decapitating Captain Righteous with his staff!
Righteous bleeds a gusher all down his front and into a basketball sized pool on the mat. Kelly O’Connell asks Righteous if he gives up, but he is out cold from blood loss
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous is out! Kelly O’Connell tries to get an answer, but Stein just bends him in half! The blood is leaking out of his forehead like a faucet!
Suddenly, Lady Liberty appears out of nowhere and lifts Domino up on her shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! What is Lady Liberty doing with Domino?!? Put her down!
Dan Stein notices and drops Captain Righteous to go over to rescue Domino. Kelly O’Connell tries to stop him from murdering Lady Liberty who is now half way up the aisle with a kicking and screaming Domino over her shoulder
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure she’s a suspect in a crime those two are investigating. They never stop protecting the public.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino has done nothing wrong and you know it! This is kidnapping!
Phillip Blauer: That sounds like a case for…oh yeah.
Dan Stein pushes Kelly O’Connell away from him as best he can without hurting her, but she still falls
Phillip Blauer: Oh, real nice. There’s your hero, ladies and gentleman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was trying to help Domino!
Dan Stein goes over to make sure Kelly is ok when suddenly Captain Righteous low blows him with The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blood drenched Captain Righteous just blasted Stein between the legs with his own Peacemaker! He crawls over and drapes an arm over him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Captain Righteous rolls over, blood dripping into his mouth and chest
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein had Captain Righteous dead to rights, and if it wasn’t for him being a good person…wait, Captain Righteous has The Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe the fellow good person Captain Righteous has decided to return the…
A blood drenched Captain Righteous whacks Dan Stein across the back with The Peacemaker and Stein arches his back in agony. The pain on his face is unmistakable
Phillip Blauer: Maybe not.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous smashes that Peacemaker across his surgically repaired back a second time, and Dan Stein goes limp!
A barely able to stand Captain Righteous looks at The Peacemaker and curls his lip. He drops it on Dan Stein and passes out, falling through the ropes. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. helps him to his feet as fans throw trash and debris at him
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey! This man is a hero!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He makes me sick. And what has he done with Domino?
Captain Righteous pushes David Valentine Jr. away from him and staggers down the aisle, soda cups and water bottles bouncing off of him. He has a bizarre smile on his face, stained with blood
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Lady Liberty has flown her somewhere safe. Like concessions, maybe?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. now attending to Dan Stein who hasn’t moved since that second strike with The Peacemaker. Fans, we’ll be right back!
Open on a farmer standing near a chicken coup in coveralls.
Curtis Sweeney: Hello, my name is Curtis Sweeney from Sweeney Chicken Farms. We are a cruelty free chicken ranch. But here, we take it to another level. We use positive reinforcements to make our chickens the best tasting around. We tell them things like “Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal”…. which makes em extra juicy.
Curtis walks over and points to a hen.
Curtis Sweeney: Like take this one for example, a single mother, she just got her GED despite having a learning disability while taking night classes.
Close up of the chicken as she pecks the ground
Curtis Sweeney: Now, you batter her up, throw her in the fryer, and then cover her in some country gravy. I don’t think you can go wrong, buddy. And that’s due to the encouragement and support we provide that I believe ultimately creates a better tasting chicken. Like I won’t even sell Cecil.
Shot cuts to rooster eyeing Curtis
Curtis Sweeney: That boy’s just got negative vibes. Throws off the gosh darn chakras for the whole barn. I won’t subject anyone to what that toxic chicken probably tastes like. So next time you buy chicken for your family, make sure it’s the well adjusted chickens from Sweeney’s Chicken Farms, and we thank you for doing so.
Open up on Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. putting the finishing touches on the steel cage surrounding the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In January, Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody began receiving bizarre messages from some unknown source. In Los Angeles, the lights went out and someone knocked him out. In Ontario, he put “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart in charge of finding out who the culprit was. During his match with Moondog Dook, Nobody got another message, a QR code playing on the video screen that linked to a Warrant song.
Phillip Blauer: Withering. I’d let someone talk about my mama before I’d let them play a Warrant song at me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This in Phoenix, during his match with “The Punisher” Dan Stein, once again the lights went out and when they came on Hasbulla and Alexander Von Blankenship came out and distracted Joe Nobody, allowing Stein to win.
Phillip Blauer: Allowing Stein to pin someone was a necessary evil for my plan to work. Dorothy’s dying wish, besides for her throat to stop closing from the allergic reaction she had to the skittles, was for me to take the Hardkore California Championship from that fedora distributing SOB.
The Acrisure Arena boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, shushing the booing crowd. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: You know, I could have done a lot with my money, Gipper. I could have have made an orphanage for kids with weird arms.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That would have been nice…
Phillip Blauer: But instead, I decided to buy wrestlers to win titles from people I didn’t like. Like Walt Disney, all I had was a dream. To make people I don’t care for sad.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is done doing things for the glory of a faction or group. During his time in The Anointed, he feels he was overlooked and sacrificed by the other members of the stable.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right. Our motto in Philthy Rich is “Look out for yourself, because I sure as sugar am not gonna do it.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s heartwarming.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Always Very Basic” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, and “Nobody Does It Better”.Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try and touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB brought up Joe Nobody’s wife which I feel was a real low thing to do. Let’s keep this in the ring, there’s no need to bring people’s home life into it.
Phillip Blauer: Why? Joe Nobody is free to do the same. He can poke fun at the beautiful models and socialites that AVB beds. Or he could lampoon Alexander’s striking good looks. Maybe a send up of how his father was a famous wrestler? That would smart!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s obviously trying to get a cheap advantage over the Hardkore California Champion, I just think there’s better ways to go about it than make innuendo towards another man’s wife.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the cage. He gives the cage the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Listen to these fans. The last time AVB was in Palm Springs was back in October when he and Wesley Crane lost their Hardkore World Tag Team titles to The End in a ladder match with Kilroy and Sheik, Dutch Express, and Team Fairtex. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he lost a stairway to heaven match against The Sheik. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he lost in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament finals to Syberus. At our first show back in May 2022, he defeated Andrew Karnage in the first round, right here in this city. I’m sure he thinks this town, at our biggest show of the year, would be the perfect place for him to win his first singles title.
Greg Jin: "The following is a Steel Cage Match, scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tell you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Second Generation Jackpot, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The audience boos as AVB welcomes their hatred. Hasbulla blows his whistle outside the cage
The lights in The Acrisure dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Palm Springs fans cheer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody isn’t falling for AVB’s psychological war.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure he’s got nothing to worry about, when was the last time a wife introduced into the business as a way to humanize her husband, ran off with another wrestler?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, Joe Nobody says the cage they’ll be competing in tonight is mostly to protect you from him.
Phillip Blauer: (pulls on his collar) Look, I am just a three time Desert News Hawk winner trying to get the story.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What story?
Phillip Blauer: “What Would It Be Like If I Bought All The Titles?” I smell a Pulitzer! If he lays one whiskey cured finger on me, I will scream so high pitched, it will attract bats from Carlsbad.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a teenage girl in a Coachella Valley Firebirds jersey his signature fedora. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of her shouting that Joe Nobody is number one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Joe Nobody was here in Palm Springs was in October when he defeated Florida Man to win the Hardkore California Championship. Nobody wants to take out all the members of Philthy Rich, starting with AVB here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: What is his problem with the Philthy Rich?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You paid Alexander Von Blankenship to attack him, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, right. Well, lookee here Jim Nothing.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a close up of Phil
Phillip Blauer: You think I’m jealous of your home life? Do you have rocks in your head? I have generational wealth now! I eat at the finest establishments from my youth, like Lester’s Turtle House or The Beef Wellington Factory. Money makes you well liked. Worthington?
Phil’s butler Worthington steps forward
Worthington: Yes, sir?
Phillip Blauer: You like me, right?
Worthington: Like you?
Phillip Blauer: See? That’s a yes in England. Do I have anyone to go to bed with at night? No. Do I sometimes walk around my estate in a bathrobe, calling out for other people? Sure. Do I sleep on the kitchen floor like a dog hoping that one of the help staff will trip over me and I’ll have someone to talk to? Obviously! Wait, I forgot my point.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re well liked.
Phillip Blauer: Damn right I am!
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. We’ve never seen Joe Nobody this fired up, we’ll see it translates to success in the ring!
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd gives Nobody a huge ovation
Hardkore California Championship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Kelly O’Connell locks the cage door. Joe Nobody walks up to a smug Alexander Von Blankenship and starts telling him exactly what he thought about the comments about his wife
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB now face to face with the man he’s been tormenting since January.
Phillip Blauer: And he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned!
Nobody finishes what he has to say, and Von Blankenship spits in his face. The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is just disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: That’s his wear down move.
Nobody slowly wipes the spit off his cheek, and then cold cocks AVB! The crowd erupts as Von Blankenship back pedals into the corner, begging off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody not in the mood for any mercy here! He arm drags Von Blankenship across the ring!
AVB gets up and runs right back into another arm drag from Joe Nobody. Von Blankenship tries kicking him but Joe catches his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody dragon screw leg whips him to the mat. AVB gets to his knees, but Joe tags him in the side of the head with a shining wizard!
The audience lets out another “OH!” and Alexander Von Blankenship goes down like a redwood. A seething Joe Nobody yells at AVB to get up, but Blankenship tries to plead his case
Phillip Blauer: Maybe that was one wife joke too many?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls AVB up by two handfuls of hair back to his feet…but Von Blankenship kicks him between the legs!
Phillip Blauer: No, my mistake.
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Joe Nobody’s legs cross and he falls to the mat on his stomach. AVB swivels his hips at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up and drops him on his knee with a shoulderbreaker. He pulls him up to his feet, and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots!
Von Blankenship pulls Nobody up and then lands a stiff kick to the side of his knee. He cracks Nobody with a second one that hobbles him a little
Phillip Blauer: The great part about those is he doesn’t even do any submissions where he would need to wear the knee down. He’s just a dick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB grabs him by the ankle and gives Nobody a dragon screw of his own,
Phillip Blauer: A little receipt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship scoops him up again and hits a backbreaker.
Joe Nobody arches his back in pain while the fans boo. The crowd starts chanting “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” AVB sneers at them pulls Nobody up to his feet in a front facelock
Phillip Blauer: This boy’s father was a legend. The disrespect in this town. This is the Blur situation all over again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Joe Nobody stops during the twirl and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
The audience comes to life! Nobody uses their passion to get back to his feet and psyche himself up. He grabs Von Blankenship and pulls him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody tosses Von Blankenship over the ropes into the cage!!
The crowd erupts in cheers, Nobody steps through the ropes and pulls AVB up and ties their legs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody russian leg sweeps the back of Von Blankenship’s head into the cage!
A bleeding AVB clutches the back of his head as Nobody steps through the ropes into the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest as Joe runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody comes back and dropkicks AVB back into the steel cage!
Alexander Von Blankenship slumps against the cage, and then rolls under the ropes back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye! He grabs Nobody by the hair and bashes his face into the steel cage!!
Phillip Blauer: Now Nobody’s bleeding, I mean, they’re both bleeding!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship rakes Nobody’s face back and forth across the steel mesh!
AVB stomps on Nobody’s foot, causing him to hop on the other foot for a minute. Von Blankenship sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB drops Joe Nobody’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship gets on top of Joe Nobody and starts bludgeoning him with punches, trying to open up that cut over Nobody’s eye wider!
The Acrisure Arena boos. Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up by the hair, and then fireman’s carries him onto his shoulders. He walks over to the corner and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship slaps Joe Nobody across the face!
The audience boos loudly and AVB laughs. Hasbulla blows his whistle on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Joe Nobody jumps off the second turnbuckle and catches him with a tornado DDT!
The Palm Springs crowd pops at the impact bouncing a bloody AVB back up to his knees, and then down on his face. Joe Nobody feeds off their energy and pulls Von Blankenship up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody full nelson suplexes Alexander Von Blankenship onto the back of his head!
As blood trickles down his face, AVB does a time out gesture to a shrugging Tommy Milligan
Phillip Blauer: The man needs a time out, Thomas!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is entirely up to the man whose wife he insulted, and I don’t think Joe Nobody is feeling very charitable to him right now.
Joe Nobody wipes the blood out of his eyes, and pulls Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. He irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody goes for a flying body press, but Alexander Von Blankenship catches him! He tosses Joe across with the ring with a fallaway slam!
Phillip Blauer: Aha! A throwback to one of his father’s Rat Bastard’s favorite maneuvers!
The fans boo Alexander Von Blankenship as he kips up and offers them a little bow. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage. AVB pulls him up by the hair and hits Nobody in the chest with a blistering chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks him with another stinging chop, backing him into the ropes. He irish whips Nobody into the ropes and catches him with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops Joe Nobody up and tries to run his head into the cage, but Nobody slips off his shoulder! Joe superkicks him upside the head!
A blindsided Alexander Von Blankenship collapses to the mat. Joe Nobody pulls him up into a rear waistlock. He german suplexes AVB on the back of his head, and then rolls him up into a wheelbarrow facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Victory Buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Joe Nobody pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by his blood soaked hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He takes him out with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a missile dropkick, but Von Blankenship avoids it!
The air goes out of The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies his arms and lifts him up and onto his face with an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification! Joe Nobody staggers up to his feet, but AVB catches him under the chin with an Ordained superkick!
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Nobody’s head into his legs, flips him up onto his shoulder, and then drives him headfirst into the mat with a barry white driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Desecration!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship irish whips him into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop, but Joe Nobody floats over into a Status Symbol DDT!
The crowd erupts with cheers as both men lie there exhausted and bleeding. Hasbulla blows his whistle in distress on the floor. Joe Nobody pulls himself up by the ropes as the crowd chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” He pulls AVB up into a fisherman’s buster, and turns it into an orange crush bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship claps his legs together on Nobody’s head
Joe Nobody climbs up to the top turnbuckle but Hasbulla hands AVB something through the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! What did Hasbulla give AVB just now?
Phillip Blauer: Motivation. The can-do spirit. A sock of some sort?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That sock is loaded with something!
Nobody wipes some of the blood out of his eyes on the top turnbuckle while Alexander Von Blankenship plays possum and staggers towards the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship just whacked Nobody in the head with whatever is in that sock, and Joe goes limp on the top turnbuckle!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. AVB grabs him by the arms and flips him forward into a black out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Black Out Drunk or B.O.D.!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: We have a new champion!
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and the audience jeers and heckles the bloody AVB. Hasbulla grabs the Hardkore California Championship belt and enters the cage
Greg Jin: "At 16 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody had knocked AVB goofy and then Hasbulla handed him a…
Phillip Blauer: A sock! What’s the big deal? The little guy was probably terrified from all these yelling cretins and handed him something as a present.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, again, he’s not a child, he’s just small.
Alexander Von Blankenship climbs onto the ropes and uses the cage to stand on the top rope, holding his Hardkore California Championship over his head. The audience boos and throws trash at the cage. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of a combination lock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: A lock! That’s what was in that sock! He blackjacked him with that lock and could have cracked Joe Nobody’s skull!
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock! Someone threw that in here with all the other hot dog wrappers and various bric a brac they’re throwing in right now. You’re burying the lead as usual, focusing on the trash thrown in the ring, look past that and see the new Hardkore California Champion, Alexander Von Blankenship!
AVB hops down from the ropes and yells “Always Very Blessed!” into the Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera
Phillip Blauer: Hi. I’m the beloved Phillip Blauer.
Phil pauses for non existent applause
Phillip Blauer: Thank you. After marrying my beloved Dorothy, elderly care became a big priority in my life. And let me tell you something, compadre, It is a horror show. Nothing a loved one should be seeing. But most of all, nothing I should be seeing.
Phillip Blauer: So I decided to take billions of dollars Dorothy made in the raunchy cocktail napkin business and started a chain of assisted living communities. But you may be saying to yourself, “Phillip, are you off your rocker? I don’t need to hear about amazing deals on assisted living community long term housing! I’m Generation X. I was at Woodstock 94! The mud one, not the everything on fire one.” Well hold on to your nipple rings, Trevor, because I have some news for you!
Phillip Blauer: Shady Sunsets is a facility where you can live out your golden years with other people of Generation X. A healthy and active senior community, we have group activities like:
Hacky Sack
Mario Kart
Dungeons and Dragons
And DJ lessons from the some of the top senior DJs in the area. Guys like Thee-O, Alice DeeJay, and Ron D Core. Yes! They’re still alive! So come on down and see if Shady Sunsets is where you would like to come to die…live, live. I meant live.
Soothing music plays out as the Shady Sunsets graphic returns
Fade up on Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. finishing up taking the cage down with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe you should update that ad now that Dorothy has died.
Phillip Blauer: If they wanna pay me to, sure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Isn’t it your company?
Phillip Blauer: Yes, and I’m pretty tight with a dollar…
Phil smashes a bug on the desk with a $100. He then crumples it up and throws it away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore Women’s Championship between Black Tiger and newcomer Lady Liberty in a match to see who will lead the women’s division.
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, there she is! You know, I’m a little embarrassed to say that I’ve needed rescuing quite a few times from this little lady. I recently backed by Tesla Cyber Truck into a lake, and couldn’t get the windows down. Lady Liberty came and pulled the Cybertruck out of the water and saved my bacon. Then 10 minutes later did the same thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How did you get it in the lake a second time?
Phillip Blauer: I thought I had left my wallet in there, but wouldn’t you know it? It was in the darn console the whole time. Now, the third time I back it into the lake…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty has had her challenges trying to reign in Captain Righteous’ worst instincts, but tonight, this is her first big match here on the West Coast. She’s got to be feeling some butterflies heading into this big event.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty told Captain Righteous that she doesn’t want any interference on his part and wants to try and win this match fair and square, which is quite honorable compared to the disgusting display we saw from him earlier tonight in his match against “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: I know what she said…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you?
Phillip Blauer: No, it’s the first time I’m hearing it. Nonetheless, who could resist having the star power of the undefeated Captain Righteous making his presence known during her little old match?
Finally Lady Liberty lands half way down the ramp where he walks confidently towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty was incredulous when Black Tiger accused them of being time travelers, maintaining that she is royalty.
Phillip Blauer: You would think the champ would do her research. A simple Ask Jeeves inter web search would tell you she’s a space princess. You don’t have to be a three time Desert News Hawk Award Winner to know that. But it helps.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero body suit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Lady Liberty thinks Black Tiger has disrespected her and demands satisfaction. I expect a clean match up here between these two excellent athletes.
Phillip Blauer: She keeps it on the straight and narrow. Except when she’s stealing The Peacemaker. And when she kidnapped Domino. But to her credit, when she flew me over the lake she rescued me out of, she wouldn’t use her X-ray vision to tell me which ladies below weren’t wearing bras.
Greg Jin: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger walks out with the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: 18 years after her father Dragon Belt wrestled on this same event in a royal rumble for the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Black Tiger defends her Hardkore Women’s Championship against Lady Liberty!
After soaking in the loud cheers, Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside, all business like
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger gives Lady Liberty credit for putting up with someone as bullheaded as Captain Righteous, but that’s where her empathy ends. She gave Lady Liberty a history lesson on Hardkore greats like Yuku Shiro, Kasper van Zant and “The Ninth Baroness" Sinclair Godfrey.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring up at Lady Liberty with the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of respect for Lady Liberty’s power, she has been training with her brother Little Dragon for this match because she knows Liberty is hard at work in the gym as well. She saw that Lady Liberty was offended by some of her comments, and apologized for them…
Phillip Blauer: As well she should have. Frankly, I was stunned by them.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black catsuit with dark tiger stripes. She has black wrestling boots on with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves with black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger admits that she’s never wrestled someone with the power of Lady Liberty but has worked with Little Dragon with some ways around that. She promises and epic match between these two excellent wrestlers.
Greg Jin: “Her opponent. From Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger
Hardkore Women’s Championship
Tiger is not breathing, standing still like a statue, then offers her hand at the beginning of the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger looking to start off the match with some sportsmanship. Lady Liberty obliges with a handshake.
“Bill Blauer”: Sorry I’m late.
Phillip Blauer: Who is this?
“Bill Blauer”: It’s me, Bill. Your twin brother.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger and Lady Liberty lock up in a collar and elbow tie up.
Phillip Blauer: But, but, but you're supposed to be in prison? For the murder of my wife.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grabs a side headlock.
“Bill Blauer”: Um, you’re allowed out of jail on weekends now.
Phillip Blauer: Why?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger grinds that headlock on Lady Liberty.
“Bill Blauer”: They don’t have anyone to watch us because of budget cuts.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I think I read that somewhere. But you don’t even look like Bill. And you have a beard. And your hair is slipping off the side of your head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, aggravated) He looks like Bill to me, Phil. Would you let him sit down, I’m trying to call this match.
Phillip Blauer: Fine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty pushes Black Tiger off into the ropes, but Tiger comes back with a dropkick but Liberty just stands there!
The audience buzzes with surprise as a confused Black Tiger wipes her mouth and gets back to her feet. Bill Blauer puts on his headset and sits next to Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger peppers Lady Liberty’s legs with kung fu kicks, but Liberty keeps coming forward. Tiger hits her with a chop to the chest, Another one backs Liberty up a step.
Lady Liberty answers with a european uppercut. Black Tiger responds with a kung fu punch to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty with another european uppercut, but Black Tiger doesn’t back down with a second kung fu punch.
Tiger grabs her in a muay thai clinch and rams a few knees into her face. But Lady Liberty breaks out of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty floors Black Tiger with a step up knee!
Phillip Blauer: So what is prison like?
“Bill Blauer”: Well at first it was scary, but my cellmate wound up being an old country singer in there for bank robbery. He taught me a few chords and convinced me to do a TV show they had for inmates, and I was a big hit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the plot of Jailhouse Rock.
“Bill Blauer”: Oh. Well, that happened to me too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty applies an armbar. She sticks her knee in the ball of Black Tiger’s shoulder and clamps down on that arm.
Liberty leans back, trying to pull the arm out as far as it will go. Black Tiger works her way to her feet with Lady Liberty hanging onto her arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger headbutts her in the face. Another Funk headbutt with the top of her head into Liberty’s face gets her out of the armbar.
Black Tiger grabs Lady Liberty’s arm and pulls it down over her shoulder a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger flips Lady Liberty over her shoulder with an ipponzei shoulder throw!
Lady Liberty charges her but Black Tiger catches her with a Mexican arm drag. Liberty gets up and goes in again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger applies an armbar of her own. She wrenches back on her arm trying to pull her arm out its socket. This is event is where Black Tiger’s father Dragon Belt wrestled in a royal rumble for the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2006.
Phillip Blauer: (to Bill) At least you’re able to work out in there, though it looks like you gained a considerable amount of weight.
“Bill Blauer”: Um, thanks. Yeah, we started a football team in there, and eventually we got to play the guards in a no holds barred game that the warden heavily bet on. After the game, I walked away and the warden demanded I be shot in the back. The guard refused, and it turned out I was just picking up the game ball.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m fairly certain that was The Longest Yard.
“Bill Blauer”: It’s a pretty common occurrence inside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ah. I see. Lady Liberty now on her feet, and Black Tiger smashes her in the arm with a few forearms. She flips her in a Mexican arm drag.
Black Tiger wraps Lady Liberty’s arm around the top rope and pulls on her wrist. Richie Richardson warns her to get off the ropes, and begins the five count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger begins beating Lady Liberty with fists and kicks in the ropes. She goes for a suplex, but Liberty blocks it with her calf. She plants her feet and counters with a vertical suplex!
Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up by the mask, and irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty hits her with a dropkick! She applies an arm trap crossface. She locks her hands under the chin of Black Tiger and pulls up on her head and arm.
The Palm Springs audience boos. Richie Richardson checks in to see if she wants to give up, but Black Tiger shakes her head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty wearing down that arm, but Black TIger slips out of it and does a rear waistlock takedown, and then she applies a fujiwara armbar!
The crowd cheers as Black Tiger grinds that shoulder into the mat, while pulling up on her whammybarred arm. Lady Liberty grimaces in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty uses that powerful upper body strength to pull herself with one arm, and grabs the rope. Bill, do you want to add anything here?
“Bill Blauer”: She certainly has that rope. Yep, all five fingers around it. The fans at home can count them if they like.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not necessary. Black Tiger releases the fujiwara armbar and pulls her head into her legs for a piledriver, but Lady Liberty blocks it. She backdrops Black Tiger over the ropes, but Tiger hangs on and applies a tarantula on the ropes!
The Acrisure Arena pops for that long lost move as Liberty cries out in pain. Black Tiger pulls back on Liberty’s arms and legs, using the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson gives her five count, and then Black Tiger finally releases the tarantula. Liberty drops, and Tiger re-enters the ring and applies a reverse chinlock.
Black Tiger is on one knee, gripping her hands together to pull up on the chinlock, wearing Lady Liberty down
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, I thought you were supposed to get the chair for killing Dorothy.
“Bill Blauer”: Oh, I was…I mean I did. Yeah, but then when they flipped the switch it gave me powers. I was able to shoot electricity out of my fingers, and it allowed me to escape from prison. But I went back, because I was just foolin with them.
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, I’d know that plot anywhere. That’s Ernest Goes To Jail!
“Bill Blauer” takes off his wig to reveal himself as Kilroy Evans
Phillip Blauer: He’s here! He’s here! (to Guillermo) Don’t just sit there, you dolt! Save me!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (ignores them) Black Tiger really has that reverse chinlock cinched in there.
Phillip Blauer: (looks at the camera) Mommy?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team swarm towards Kilroy, but not before he clocks Phil with a par of brass knuckles, knocking him out
Kilroy Evans: (getting dragged off by security) Sorry to have to trick you like this Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I knew it was you the entire time.
Kilroy nods as security drags him to the back while Phil is completely unconscious in the seat next to Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well fans, looks like we’ll have to do the best we can without Phil’s insightful analysis. Inside the ring, Lady Liberty is back to her feet with Black Tiger hanging on to that reverse chinlock.
Liberty rams an elbow into Black Tiger’s stomach. A second one frees her from the reverse chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty grabs her arms and drops her on the back of her head with a backslide driver!
The audience boos. Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty sticks a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and irish whips her into the ropes. She hits her a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crown of Cassiopeia! She gets a running start and flips into a standing corkscrew Beta Librae splash!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty shoots Black Tiger into the ropes and goes for a huracanrana, but it gets reversed into a vicious Black Tiger Bomb!!
The crowd roars. Lady Liberty stumbles up to her feet and gets tattooed by a superman punch by Black Tiger
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike!
Phillip Blauer: (snores)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that’s not good. David, could we…?
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. nods and runs over to help Phil. Inside the ring, Black Tiger lifts Lady Liberty onto her shoulders and runs her into the middle of the ring with a death valley driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
The crowd groans at Lady Liberty kicking out. Black Tiger lifts her up on her shoulders again, but this time in an airplane spin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty slips off of Black Tiger’s shoulders, grabs her by the arm, and pulls her in with a ripcord Ursa Minor bicycle knee kick!
The Acrisure Arena boos as Lady Liberty climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. She backflips into a double rotation moonsault
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Major!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans boo as “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson hands Lady Liberty to the Hardkore Women’s Championship
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty said she wanted to do it on her own, and she did, she is the new Hardkore Women’s…
Captain Righteous walks down to the ring applauding Lady Liberty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, that was nice while it lasted.
Captain Righteous walks into the ring and “presents” Lady Liberty who seems embarrassed by the gesture
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Lady Liberty is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion!
Phillip Blauer: (coming to) Since when?
Guillermo O’Bannon: While you were sleeping.
Phillip Blauer: Oh. (groggy) Where’s Bill?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You just missed him.
Phillip Blauer: Ah. Pity.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Palm Springs Punishment 2024. When we started, 35 years ago in 1989, we had no idea the impact we would make in the wrestling industry. Here we are tonight, in our home base to bring you our biggest show of the year! I am Guillermo O’Bannon and to my right is Phil Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: Philthy Rich is at a real come-to-Blau Dog moment here tonight. They are all in title matches. Florida Man defends my Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship against the worst person who could possibly hold it, Kilroy Evans. The man who violently assaulted me with a dye pack and a baton in Tucson.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never heard screams that high pitched.
Phillip Blauer: Never mind that. Then I am paying Marty to take the Hardkore West Coast Championship from Syberus. But Jonnie is making me wait an hour for it to happen. Then Alexander Von Blankenship has been paid to take the Hardkore California Championship from Joe Nobody. These things better happen because I am the customer, and the customer is always right!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you’re not a customer. You’re a stable leader…by default.
Phillip Blauer: You’re darn tootin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a battle of the big men as Captain Righteous will take on “The Punisher” Dan Stein the Peacemaker on a Pole Match. Righteous’ partner Lady Liberty challenges for the Hardkore Women’s Championship against Black Tiger. Bobby Nowa is proclaiming that he will retire Bobby Nowa a second time here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Palm Springs fans stand and applaud as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances down the aisle with Mary Yellowbird pumping the Acrisure Arena up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse highly respects Andrew Karnage and his impact here in Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: He even tips his hat to Andy being the more attractive of the two. That was big of him. It had Kevin Valentine Jr. shook, you could tell he was stalling with the hot cocoa. Then they proceeded to charge the biggest breakfast to the company since Bad Boy King Kong.
Joey Little Horse hugs some fans near the “Little Horse Tribe” sign. Mary Yellowbird holds the ropes for El Exotico
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse is looking to get into a fist fight with Andrew Karnage here tonight.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small yellow loin cloth yellow over shorts with Native American gear.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to PALM SPRINGS PUNISHMENT 2024!!”
The Palm Springs fans pop and chant “HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD! HARDKORE WORLD!”
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The crowd roars as Joey Little Horse does a war dance
The funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powdered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in the Acrisure Arena flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage walks out with a half-smile on his face, and the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage returned to Hardkore World in Phoenix where he won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships for the unprecedented fifth time by winning that ladder match against Nowa Out and what, I guess, would now be Philthy Rich.
Phillip Blauer: He may have won the battle, but he lost the war. That war? The War Against Displeasing Me.
Guillermo rolls his eyes. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight is Andrew Karnage’s first big singles match since 2022 when he was put out of action right here at Palm Springs Punishment 2022 when “Deathstryke” Cyan Komar fireballed him. Andrew Karnage was also in Palm Springs for our first show back when he lost in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament to Alexander Von Blankenship. At Palm Springs Punishment 2012, he lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship to Bruno in a ladder match with The Shootfighter. In February of 2012, Karnage lost to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion James Fierce here. At Palm Springs Punishment 2010, he lost to Marty Donovan in a match for Karnage to try and win his freedom back, when Karnage was his slave.
Phillip Blauer: Why don’t we have slave matches anymore?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Probably the constitution. At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, he lost in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament to Dougie Ray Bullet. At Palm Springs Punishment 2008, he successfully defended the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Ken Shiro in a barbed wire match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, he defeated James Fierce in a steel cage stretcher match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, he and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles from Lucifer Jones and “The Punisher” Dan Stein. In December of 2005, this is where he and Kilroy successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over The Black Experience and High Maintenance. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he and Kilroy won those Hardkore World Tag Team titles over Tuxedo Mask and Death Gojira in a tournament final. So a long storied history in this city and as we saw in the ladder match, the old AK-47 is back.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, but now that’s his age.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Hurricane, Utah; Standing 6 foot 5 inches tall; Weighing 263 pounds; One Half of The Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS; The Head Droppin Uncle…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd roars as Karnage nods back in appreciation
Andrew Karnage vs. "El Exotico" Joey Little Horse
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse takes Karnage over by the hair in a snap mare, and then grabs a front facelock. The veteran Little Horse hoping to wear down the much stronger Karnage.
Andrew Karnage struggles to get to his feet with Joey Little Horse hanging onto the front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage slips his head out and flips Joey Little Horse across the ring with a sheer drop exploder!!
Phillip Blauer: More like Joey Flying Horse, am I right?
The Acrisure Arena erupts with cheers as a dizzy Joey Little Horse tries to get back to his feet. Karnage clubs Little Horse with a vader forearm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse whacks Karnage with a tomahawk chop, but Karnage responds with another stiff forearm to the head. Horse switches to a forearm of his own.
Andrew Karnage whacks him with another forearm, but Joey Little Horse hits him with an open palm strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Joey Little Horse promised earlier, this has broken down into a fist fight early on! Andrew Karnage rocks him with another forearm, and Joey Little Horse cracks him in the jaw with a right hook.
Andrew Karnage bounces Little Horse’s head back with a sharp forearm, but Joey Little Horse releases a barrage of rapid fire punches to his face and chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Joey Little Horse by the hair, leans back and hits a giant headbutt!
Joey Little Horse crumples to the mat and the fans cheer. Andrew Karnage tries to shake off the effects of the punches and chops
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage lifts Joey Little Horse up and muay thai clinches him, striking him with knees in the face and body.
Karnage lifts the 260 pound Joey Little Horse with ease in a hanging vertical suplex. He motions with his free hand for more applause and the Palm Springs fans oblige
Phillip Blauer: I bet he missed this while grocery shopping for his 11 kids.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage finally drops him to the mat with a delayed vertical suplex!
Andrew Karnage pulls Joey Little Horse up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage goes for a spinebuster, but Joey Little Horse catches him in a tornado DDT!
Andrew Karnage struggles to get up, so Joey Little Horse catches him in the side of the head with a knee lift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse with the chicken wing on Andrew Karnage. He pulls up on Karnage’s wrist, trying to hyperextend his elbow.
Karnage tries to back elbow his way out of the chicken wing, but Joey Little Horse ducks. Joey irish whips Karnage into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse follows him in with a big clothesline! He ¾ nelson suplexes Karnage out of the corner!
Joey Little Horse pulls Karnage up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop, but Andrew double underhooks his arms and lifts him up into a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger Buster K!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage gets underneath him with a saito suplex!
The fans cheer. Andrew Karnage grabs his legs and turns him over into a single leg boston crab
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage applies a half crab, but Joey Little Horse tucks his head, and is able to roll through into a single leg boston crab of his own!
The Palm Springs crowd applauds the reversal along with Mary Yellowbird at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse sits low on the single leg, bending his knee back and bowing Karnage’s spine.
Richie Richardson asks Karnage if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head. Joey Little Horse wrenches his leg back harder in response
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse converts the half crab into an indian deathlock! He sits down on Karnage’s twisted legs, making Andrew sit up in agony.
Andrew Karnage sits up and falls back down in an attempt to find some escape, but Joey Little Horse has the indian deathlock cinched in perfectly
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse leaning back on Karnage’s crossed legs, putting pressure on his knees.
The 6’5 Andrew Karnage is finally able to scoot back and grab the bottom rope and Richie Richardson forces Joey Little Horse to release the indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse pulls Karnage up and shoots him into the ropes, flipping him into a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
The crowd cheers as Karnage arches his back in pain. Joey Little Horse sticks his knees into Karnage’s back and rolls him up into a bow and arrow
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse applies the bow and arrow to Andrew Karnage! He pulls down on Karnage’s head and legs, bending him in half across his knees.
Richie Richardson asks Karnage if he wants to give up, but he shakes his head. Little Horse pulls him up into a sitting position and applies a nerve hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse continuing to tire out the larger, rustier wrestler, now with a nerve hold. He pinches the spot between the shoulder and the carotid artery, cutting off blood flow to his arm.
Richie Richardson checks in, but Karnage doesn’t answer. Richie tests his arm, but Karnage keeps it up. The Palm Springs audience starts clapping faster and faster to root him on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage using the people’s energy to will himself up to his feet! He rams an elbow into Little Horse’s stomach, and another one to free himself from the nerve hold.
Phillip Blauer: The noive!!
Andrew Karnage half nelson hammerlocks Joey Little Horse and gives him a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Joey Little Horse up in a suplex, but then drops him on his face with a gourdbuster!
Andrew Karnage fireman’s carries Joey Little Horse up onto his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage climbs up to the second rope, but Little Horse hits him in the face with a tomahawk chop, and another! Little Horse goes over the top with a Greetings from Charlotte sunset bomb!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the crowd roars. Mary Yellowbird runs into the ring and hugs Joey Little Horse
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 34 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Joey Little Horse defeats former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage! His gameplan of surprising Andrew Karnage with a brawl at the beginning and then wearing him down with submissions wound up being the key to victory.
Phillip Blauer: I wish I had paid for this to happen. Kilroy must be so sad his Little Ceasar’s pizza cups are getting salty with tears.
A jubilant Joey Little Horse does some sexy, sexy dancing for the ladies in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: What a way to start off Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Open in the banquet hall at the Palm Springs Wyndham Resort. The audience is filled with Hardkore dignitaries and legends. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks up to the podium over the murmuring of the audience
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: Hello everyone and welcome to the ceremony to honor the first ever Hardkore World Lifetime Achievement Award to a man who began Hardkore World. In 1989, we held a tournament at the Meadowlands, New Jersey and John “Catman” Wilder went all four rounds, defeating “Leaping” Larry Angelo, Kerry Davis, Fat Albert, and finally The Ukranian to become the first ever Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion. He held onto that belt for 6 long months, elevating it with defense after defense, and putting us on the map. Without John “Catman” Wilder, there would be no Florida Man, no Kilroy Evans, and no Marty Donovan. Everyone in this room owes him a debt of gratitude. Here to induct John, is his one time nemesis, Butch “The Anvil” Brooks!
The audience applauds and the big burly Bitch “The Anvil” Brooks walks out with grey in his beard and a tuxedo. He carries index cards in his hand, as he mouths “Thank you.” to the cheering audience. Butch tries to speak, but the audience drowns him out. He nods in appreciation
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: When John and I started in Hardkore World, it was based in the New Jersey area. We were playing community colleges, as well as the occasional spot in arenas like the Spectrum. John and I, we battled each other all over the Northeast, snowy drives, in front of crowds that weren’t sure what they were seeing. Hardkore was different, and John made sure of that. I see his son is here today!
The Wyndham banquet hall applauds as Syrus Wilder blushes. He motions for Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. to cut
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: John took him along to every town we made.
A picture of Syrus applying a claw on Butch “The Anvil” Brooks comes up on the monitor behind him
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: We had our disagreements.
The audience belly laughs
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: But Syrus, you should be proud to know that all of your father’s sacrifices were worth it. There is a company that he built on his back that is still here 35 years later. Because he shaved “Dastardly” Danny Adams’ head at the Philadelphia Civic Center. Because he wrestled the 400 pound Maniac at the Spectrum. Because he wrestled Major Rager in that bloody bootcamp match at Glasboro Community College.
The dignitaries and fans give the highlight reel playing on the monitor a round of applaude
Butch “The Anvil” Brooks: (gets choked up) Because of him. Tomorrow night, men like Florida Man, Kilroy Evans, Syberus, Marty Donovan, Dan Stein, and Roscoe Law are stealing the show at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 because of this man. And his claw. Ladies and gentleman, join me in honoring The Catman, John Wilder!
“Barbara Ann” by the Beach Boys plays and John “Catman” Wilder gets a standing ovation as he walks out with Yolanda Ando. John is blown away by the reaction and stops in his tracks. Yolanda Ando assures him he deserves it as Wilder seems to struggle with the outpouring of love and respect. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. cuts to Syrus applauding his father, then to Syberus, Kilroy Evans, Ri Eun-Ae, Black Tiger, Dan Stein, Roscoe Law, Joey Little Horse, and Simon Cruise clapping. After taking a few moments to collect himself, John Wilder walks up to the podium. The crowd continues to cheer and soon a “CATMAN! CATMAN! CATMAN!” chant breaks out. John smiles and nods, mouthing “Thank you.” to the audience
John “Catman” Wilder: (visibly tearing up but holding back from sobbing) Jeez, I was telling Yolanda on the way out here that I didn’t think anyone would show up today because I never did anything worth celebrating. All I ever did was what I loved: wrestle. To see everyone here today and to hear Butch’s kind words, well I am overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you so much, Butch. We really did build something special, didn’t we? (Starts to sob) We really did, didn’t we, Yolanda?
John Wilder walks over and kisses Yolanda on the cheek, walks back to the podium
John “Catman” Wilder: You know, I could never get enough of the Beach Boys. They have such a pure and undeniable sound; instantly recognizable. No one could top their harmonies. And as I think back over the years, the fun, the sweat, the blood, the cheers, that’s what I think made Hardkore so special… the way we worked together to make something better than each of us alone… out harmony. Nothing can touch that. No other organization comes close. Well except for our families… those harmonies are pretty great, too.
The audience applauds as Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of John’s son Syrus nodding in the audience
John “Catman” Wilder: I guess what I’m getting at is this: I don’t deserve this. Not really. I don’t deserve this award more than anyone else in this room. Heck, there’s a lot of folks NOT in this room who made as big or bigger a difference than I did. The roadies setting up the stage night after night after night. The sound and lighting geeks who got the show pumping and set the emotion every time. Heck, the fans are as responsible as we are for this. My point is: I am overjoyed at this recognition and accept this award with gratitude on one condition: that it be written down somewhere that John “Catman” Wilder says this one’s for everybody! Thank you and let’s party!
But before the party could begin, the clapping in the room is interrupted by the blowing of a whistle as Hasbulla and The Blessed One Alexander Von Blankenship pops out from a curtain behind The Catman. A smirk upon the face of the young Von Blankenship, and a pair of Balmain Wonder Boy LTD covering his eyes.
Hasbulla steps to the edge of the stage, blowing his trademark whistle at anyone who moves. AVB reaches out and pats his little compadre on the hair, before giving The Catman a slight hip check to move him from in front of the microphone.
Alexander Von Blankenship: I was just standing in the back, listening to this old decrepit man rattle off name after name. Listening to Jonnie Valentine rattle off name after name. Killroy, Donovan, Florida Man, Syberus, and Dan "Big Dummy" Stein.
AVB pauses to remove the glasses from his face.
Alexander Von Blankenship: But not a mention of The Can't Miss Kid, Alexander Von Blankenship? Not a mumble or a whisper of the name of the man who brought you all The Anointed? Just tons of verbal handjobs for the guys that don't deserve it, and a celebration for what is hopefully the ninth and final life of this overweight glorified House Cat, John Wilder? I mean really, Jesus Christ.
AVB pauses to do the sign of the cross across his body before returning his glasses to his face.
Alexander Von Blankenship: I could take a dump in a litter box, and have achieved more in my life than this hack.
AVB turns towards John “Catman” Wilder, puffs up his chest,then inhales hard to force nasal mucus to collect at the back of the throat, before spitting it out, and onto the chest of the Cat Man. The Palm Springs crowd lets out a collective groan of disgust and disbelief. Suddenly John Wilder’s son Syrus son jumps out of his seat and rushes the stage. He violently pushes Alexander off the stage before Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team separate AVB and the 300 pound son of the first Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion
Alexander Von Blankenship: Did you put your hands on me, Garfield?? Are you insane?? I’m sponsored by Liquid Death! Don’t you ever touch me! I’m going to smack you so hard your cross eyed sister named Odie will feel it!
Syrus Wilder breaks through the security detail’s grasp and gets inches away from Alexander Von Blankenship before Larry Valentine Jr. cuts him off. AVB takes advantage and gets a free shot, slapping Syrus in the mouth. The audience rains boos of utter contempt down on Von Blankenship
Alexander Von Blankenship: I think you got some lasagne sauce on your lip, son.
AVB suddenly allows security to scurry him away. An enraged Syrus needs to be held back by by five men as blood trickles from his mouth. His father John Wilder tries to go after Von Blankenship but he’s gone
“The Best" by Tina Turner plays and The Acrisure Arena boos. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walks out from behind the curtain and stop to survey the crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan has hired an image consultant to get himself over with the Hardkore crowds of the West Coast.
Phillip Blauer: Anthony Jordan has shed a lot of weight lately, namely that dumb juice head Kalmin Watts. He looks great!
Guillermo O’Bannon: \Jordan with his first singles match since splitting with Watts, but he has a tall order in front of him in former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Tuxedo Mask.
Anthony Jordan both slowly walk to the ring. He gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony has said that he is not going to appear in Bobby Nowa’s corner for his stretcher match later in the evening against Roscoe Law.
Phillip Blauer: He’s not going to give Roscoe the cover he needs to blame his next career ending injury on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan doesn’t see much in Tuxedo Mask lately, and seems to be going into this match with a pretty flippant attitude. This should be an interesting clash of styles with the high flying Tuxedo Mask taking on the skilled technician Anthony Jordan.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the booing fans
Yolanda Ando: Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. We’ll see how well this match goes to boosting Anthony Jordan’s image here in Hardkore World.
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd jeers
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Acrisure Arena boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask has had a lot of history in this building. At Palm Springs Punishment 2004, he and Death Gojira and Eerie Von lost to Kilroy Evans, Robert Hunglestien III and Hero in an LA Freeway match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, he and Death Gojira lost to Kilroy Evans and Andrew Karnage in the Hardkore World Tag Team title tournament final. At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, he defeated Poke the Clown in the first round but lost to Kilroy Evans in the second round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. Then 12 years later, in his return at our first show back in May of 2022, he defeated Blaze Freya. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he lost to Eron Hunter. Then last year, at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 he lost to Kilroy Evans in a Mir match.
Phillip Blauer: I think the big takeaway here is to not wrestle Kilroy here. The blazing sun gives him superpowers to be impervious to falling into automobiles and tables. That’s why I picked LA.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux wants to steal the show here tonight on our biggest show of the year, and do some eye popping moves that overshadow the main event. We’ll see if that’s enough to defeat Anthony Jordan here tonight in
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask looks out at the sea of “TUX SUX!” signs in the crowd
Tuxedo Mask vs. "The Role Model" Anthony Jordan
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell Tuxedo darts back to hit the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask comes off the ropes with an elbow that staggers Jordan! He darts back, and fires off another!
Tuxedo Mask darts to third side of the ring, and bounces off the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits a crossbody that knocks Anthony Jordan off his feet!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
The fans boo and AJ rolls to his feet as Tuxedo comes in once more going for a hurricarana
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask goes for a huracanrana but Jordan grabs him, shaking his head at the fans before he flings Tuxedo over his head with a belly to back suplex!
The Palm Springs fans jeer as Tuxedo stumbles to his feet, shaking his head before Anthony Jordan is on him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Role Model battering away with hard forearms to Tuxedo Mask’s back. He irish whips him into the ropes and launches him into the air with a huge backdrop!
Tuxedo sprawls, holding at his back as he starts to rise before Anthony Jordan spreads his arms wide to mock the fans
Phillip Blauer: Good, they need a little mockery.
Anthony Jordan lifts Tuxedo Mask up into a reverse suplex, then slingshots his feet off the top rope and drops him into a reverse brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Presumptuous Plex!!
The crowd chants “TONY BOLOGNA! TONY BOLOGNA! TONY BOLOGNA!” Tux is sprawling, and Jordan walks back and forth with a smirk. Then he walks over to Tuxedo Mask
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan delivering a few paint brushes to the back of Tuxedo Mask’s head. Then he rolls up for the cover, but Tuxedo twists and reverses to get AJ in a cradle!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Jordan is furious, and grabs for Tuxedo who dives between his legs.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask runs backwards, hitting the ropes before he comes flying off with a dropkick that drops Anthony Jordan across the middle rope!
The crowd chants “TUX SUX! TUX SUX! TUX SUX!” as Tuxedo Mask makes the phone gesture. He darts back again, and goes for the 619
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan grabs him, shaking his head as he rises before he hits a thunderous side backbreaker! Then a second!
Tux sprawls out. Anthony Jordan grabs Tux’s leg and steps over into a spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan gives Tuxedo Mask another round of that spinning toe hold. He pushes Tux’s leg towards him, and then gives his leg another twist. The last time Anthony Jordan was here was at Palm Springs Punishment 2023 when he managed Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake in a losing effort to the Hardkore World Tag Team Champions “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Gavin Drake. Tonight, he wants to walk out of here a winner.
Jordan fakes like he’s going for another turn but then falls to the mat. He hooks Tux’s left ankle under his right knee into an indian deathlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan applies The Idolizer #2!! Jordan leans back, putting all of his weight and pressure on Tuxedo Mask’s twisted legs.
Phillip Blauer: What happened to Idolizer #1?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (checks his notes) It appears it was retired.
Phillip Blauer: Ah. I see. That’s why as a Three Time Desert News Hawk Award Winner, I have to ask the important questions.
The fans jeer and heckle Anthony Jordan as he uses his right foot to keep Tux’s right leg from breaking the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan pushes on Tuxedo Mask’s right knee with his left leg to maximize the pain of the Idolizer #2!
Anthony Jordan works his way up to his feet with the indian deathlock still applied
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan falls back to the ground with The Idolizer #2, wrenching on those trapped knees of Tuxedo Mask!
Tuxedo Mask cries out in pain. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Tux refuses to give up Jordan turns Tuxedo Mask onto his stomach while maintaining the indian deathlock.The Palm Springs fans boo. Tuxedo Mask reaches out for the ropes but Anthony Jordan is relentless, and yanks him backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask grabs for the ropes again, but Anthony Jordan has him too far away in The Idolizer #2!
Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Tuxedo Mask wants to tap out but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan clamps down on The Idolizer #2 and Tuxedo Mask is forced to tap out!
The Acrisure Arena boos as “The Best" by Tina Turner plays and Anthony Jordan releases The Idolizer #2
Greg Jin: “At 7 minutes 56 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
Phillip Blauer: A very dominant victory for Beth Cleo’s reclamation project!
Kelly O’Connell raises Anthony Jordan’s arm in victory as Tuxedo Mask holds his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan was relentless with the Idolizer #2 until it meant certain victory. I think it’s more devastating than The Sooner Squeeze.
Phillip Blauer: We’ll see if his partner makes it a clean sweep for Nowa Out in the stretcher match with Roscoe Law.
Anthony Jordan passes booing fans with some giving him the finger
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan with an impressive win here tonight at Palm Springs Punishment 2024!
Hardkore headquarters… The Office… Palm Springs, California. Judy Valentine Jr. is busy at work in her cubicle, wearing a thin sweatshirt with a picture of a baby elephant. It says “I NEED YOUR SUITCASE… I ONLY HAVE A LITTLE TRUNK”.
Judy Valentine Jr.: (talking to herself as she looks at the pile of letters on her desk) Goodness. It always seems that the postman is the busiest right before this show. (looks at a bill) “Palm Springs Fire Department”. Better pay this quick. (She opens the envelope and looks at its contents. Her eyes get as big as saucers.) Holy Jumpin’ In-and-Out! This can’t be right! Why does our fire coverage cost so much more this year?
An off-screen voice is heard.
Voice: You must be Judy Jr.
Judy looks up and her face turns pale
Judy Valentine Jr.: …You.
Roscoe Law takes a seat on the edge of Judy’s desk, nudging a knick knack over for space. He smiles and takes her hand
Roscoe Law: I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long.
Judy Valentine Jr.: Well, now I know why our PSFD bill is so much this year.
Roscoe Law: (chuckles) Oh, Judy! You’re such a pip! Now I know you’re talking about 2008 and we all know that… (recites the prepared statement by heart) …’‘I had no knowledge of the events leading to the terrible fire that consumed the Palm Springs Convention Center in 2008 and was an unwitting participant thereof.’
Judy Valentine Jr.: I was told you and that X fellow were…
Roscoe Law: (wags his finger at her) Ah, ah, ah. Matthew X served his suspension and made an apology - probably - so everything is “jim dandy” in the eyes of the law and management.
Judy Valentine Jr.: You both wore firemen’s uniforms! No wonder they’re sticking it to us this year.
Roscoe Law: (grabs a knick knack) Hey, this is cute! Is this one of those famous elephants I’ve heard so much about?
Judy Valentine Jr.: Please be careful wi…
Roscoe Law: (keeps talking) You know, the zoo in Green Bay has all sorts of exotic critters. A lion, a bear, a giraffe, wolves, bobcats, bison, elk…
Judy Valentine Jr.: You know, I’m really quite busy with…
Roscoe Law: …monkeys, a moose, a lynx, another lynx. And there’s a big enclosure in the middle of the whole zoo, Judy. Do you know what’s in there?
Judy Valentine Jr.: …An elephant?
Roscoe Law: Nope! Whitetail deer. Can you believe it? A whole bunch of them in this huge pen in the middle of the zoo. And Wisconsin is a state full of whitetail deer, Judy.
Judy Valentine Jr.: I really don’t…
Roscoe Law: No, Judy. We are lousy with whitetail deer. You can’t move without tripping over them. They’re in every cornfield across the state. Why that zoo would need a huge pen of something you can see dead on the side of the road anywhere instead of an elephant is beyond me. And you could fit two elephants in there, Judy! So much room for pachyderm activities! (suddenly shifts gears) I understand your Richie is the referee for the stretcher match!
Judy Valentine Jr.: (raises voice) Um, “Referee Richardson” is…
Roscoe Law: Oh, right! (gives her an exaggerated wink) Well, he seems to be a smart young fellow and I can’t wait to talk to him during the match. Maybe I’ll learn some secrets about a certain someone. (another exaggerated wink) You know, a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. Just like you, Judy! And now that we’re friends, I hope I’ll see you at my match. Did I mention I’m bringing snacks? Fine Wisconsin cuisine, too.
Judy Valentine Jr.: There’s no time for…
Roscoe Law: (takes her hand) Well, I need to go, dear. I will see you at the show. With snacks!
Roscoe walks off happily as Judy is left somewhat dumbfounded after the barrage of conversation. Roscoe suddenly reappears.
Roscoe Law: You know, I’m glad I got to talk to you, Judy. This was nice.
Roscoe walks off again as Judy is left even more confused.
Fade up on the ring supplied with tables, ladders and chairs at ringside. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades out to Guillermo and Phil
Phillip Blauer: I think that was the first time I ever saw someone out-chatterbox Judy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Me too. Coming up is the next installment in what is always a heartstopping series between Simon Cruise and The Sheik over the Hardkore West Coast Championship. It all started back in June of 2023 in Dublin, Ireland when Simon Cruise beat The Sheik in a ladder match at Irish Rage in Dublin 2023 for a shot at the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Simon Cruise won the West Coast belt in Denver. Then at Hardkore Helloween 2023, The Sheik pinned Cruise in one of the barbed wire battle royals. In San Diego, The Sheik beat Simon Cruise for the Hardkore West Coast Championship, and now tonight, they wrestle one another to see who goes on to face Hardkore West Coast Champion Syberus.
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Acrisure Arena and the Palm Springs audience leaps to their feet. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the California crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is one of the most important nights in Simon Cruise’s career. He feels like he built the Hardkore West Coast title up to what it is in 2024, and wants it back around his waist.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table - landing in a way that lets him post with his board.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hasn’t been sleeping well since his loss to Florida Man in Phoenix. But he’s trying to put that all out of his mind to get his Hardkore West Coast Championship back. He says he and The Sheik have become synonymous with this title and wants to steal the show here at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and get his beloved West Coast title back around his waist. But first, Simon Cruise must win the rubber match against one of his greatest rivals.
Phillip Blauer: Ah yes, the rubber match. An old Russo throwback where two men fight over a condom. We’ve seen some classics!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Like what?
Phillip Blauer: Oh, you know the one. I believe it was on Thunder. Jimmy Hart managed one of the poor fellows. I believe the other guy was named MadNezz?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh yeah, that was good.
Yolanda Ando: Simon Cruise is wearing board shorts and a blue t-shirt.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Tables, Ladders and Chairs Match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and it is to determine the Number One Contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship! for the HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Venice Beach, California; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 205 pounds, The Big Kahuna…SIMON CRUISE!!!”
The Palm Springs lets out a loud pop
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Acrisure Arena boos. The Sheik walks out, threatening to backhand members of the audience. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik feels he never should have lost his Hardkore West Coast Championship in the first place. Malcolm Xavier Graves believes because of the controversial ending, he should have been granted an immediate rematch. So he is none too happy tonight in this TLC match, which makes him a dangerous man. The last time he was here was in October when he and Kilroy teamed up in a ladder match against Dutch Express, The Anointed, and Team Fairtex, where The End won the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he defeated Alexander Von Blankenship in a stairway to heaven match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he beat Kilroy Evans in an LA Freeway match with Malcolm Xavier Graves suspended in a cage over the ring.
Phillip Blauer: Tonight, Simon’s surfboard will be in the cage to prevent any interference.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it isn’t.
Phillip Blauer: You’d have to admit, that would be pretty boss.
The Sheik smacks the “MXG Definitely Has A Kimono” sign out of a fan’s hands, while another fan gets on camera holding up his “Cruise Dudes” sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves is threatening to take The Sheik and leave the West Coast and Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: And I’m going with him!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I had no idea you two were so close.
Phillip Blauer: We’re not. I just hate it here.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Man from Rub' al Khali…THE SHEIK!!!”
The boos thunder down from above.
For A Hardkore West Coast Title Shot
TLC Match
The Sheik vs. Simon Cruise
The Sheik goes for Simon’s legs, but he hops over his arms. Simon Cruise goes for a high kick but Sheik avoids it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men have fought several times over the past year, both leery of one another’s tactics. Simon Cruise goes to lock up, but Sheik basement dropkicks his knees.
The Sheik tries to capitalize but Simon Cruise rolls away. They both get back up to a vertical base
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise avoids Sheik’s clutches and gives him a basement dropkick of his own!
Phillip Blauer: What’s good for The Sheik is good for The Surfer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik retreats into the corner and catches Simon’s leg as he tries to kick him, but Simon spins around into an enzuigiri!
The crowd cheers. Simon Cruise jumps onto the middle of the second rope rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise hops off the middle of the second rope with a springboard leg drop!
…ONE!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Looks like someone is hoping to avoid the tables, ladders, and the chairs part.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think so, I just think The Sheik is so dangerous you need to put him away as soon as you can.
The Sheik and Simon Cruise get to their feet and lock up, but The Sheik does a go behind into a cradle into a knee bar
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls back on Cruise’s leg, Simon tries to kick him off but The Sheik hangs tight.
Simon finally rolls over and grabs the rope and Tommy Milligan taps Sheik to release the knee bar. The Sheik and Simon Cruise rolls back to their feet. They circle one another cautiously and then lock up into a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backs Simon Cruise back into the ropes, and then Tommy Milligan forces them to break.
Phillip Blauer: Will we get a clean break?
The Sheik blasts Simon Cruise with a right hand, and then another
Phillip Blauer: Apparently not.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes Cruise’s face into the turnbuckle.
The Sheik irish whips him chest first into the turnbuckles, and Cruise back pedals out of the corner. Sheik hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps back into a springboard flying heel kick!
The Palm Springs fans boo. The Sheik steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over the ropes into a splash on Simon Cruise!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Sheik gets up and stomps Cruise in the back. He pulls Simon up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik dips down for a back body drop, but Simon butterflies his arms and drops down into a double underhook facebuster!
The Acrisure Arena comes to life with a big pop! Simon Cruise gives the crowd the hang loose sign. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself up but The Sheik dropkicks him to the floor!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos and Simon Cruise smacks the railing on the way down. Malcolm Xavier Graves yells instructions and soon Cruise pulls himself up by the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik slingshots himself over into a somersault senton to Simon Cruise on the floor!!
The audience jeers. One fan tries to high five The Sheik but he slaps his hand away and flinches at him
Phillip Blauer: Way too familiar, buddy.
Malcolm Xavier Graves helps The Sheik bridge a table against the railing and the apron. Sheik pulls Cruise up by the hair and leads him over to the table
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik bashes Cruise’s head into the bridged table!
Sheik goes for another one, but Simon Cruise cracks him with a reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise with another blistering chop to The Sheik’s pectorals. He slams Sheik’s face into the table that he and MXG bridged across the apron!
Simon Cruise gets up on the apron and jumps off, nailing The Sheik between the eyes with a kneelift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wipe Out ‘17!!
The crowd roars. Simon Cruise scoops The Sheik up and drops his gut on the steel railing, hanging him over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise stands up on the apron, getting his balance, and then jumps off with a guillotine leg drop to the back of Sheik’s head!
The Acrisure Arena chants “CRUISE! CRUISE! CRUISE!” and Simon gives them the hang loose sign
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon hops over the railing but The Sheik tosses a chair at his head!!
Phillip Blauer: Boy howdy. That probably cost Cruise this morning’s surf report.
The Sheik tosses Simon Cruise back over the railing into the ringside area. Malcolm Xavier Graves tosses a chair over the ropes into the ring. The Sheik rolls Cruise back into the ring and follows him in
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik stomps the back of Simon Cruise’s head. He picks up the chair and tosses it at Simon Cruise’s head!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH” at the sound of the chair ringing through The Acrisure Arena. The Sheik pulls Cruise up and leans him in the corner, and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. He sets a chair up in front of Simon in the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik runs and vaults off the standing chair onto the side of the top rope, but Simon pushes him and crotches him on the top rope! He jumps off with a roundhouse kick that knocks the perched Sheik to the floor!!
The Palm Springs crowd pops loudly as The Sheik tumbles to the floor. Simon Cruise goes outside, and then rolls Sheik back into the ring, but hangs him off the side of the apron. Simon puts a chair over Sheik’s face and then rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise climbs to the second turnbuckle and hops over the ropes with a guillotine leg drop to the chair over The Sheik’s face!!
The audience chants “CRUISE! CRUISE! CRUISE!” Simon Cruise rolls him back into the ring and hooks a sleeper hold on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise locks on the sleeper, trying to put The Sheik out.
Phillip Blauer: Could you imagine the kind of dreams that fellow has? (shudders) It gives me the willies.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik fights his way to his feet, and elbows Cruise in the stomach until he releases the sleeper. Sheik shoots him into the ropes, but Simon comes back with a Bitchin Dropkick!
Malcolm Xavier Graves slides one of the ladders into the ring towards the recovering Sheik. Sheik picks up the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik turns around but Simon Cruise standing side kicks that ladder into his face!!
The crowd lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of the ladder rattling off of The Sheik’s face, and out of the ring. Cruise pulls him up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise scoops him up into a northern lights bomb!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He lifts The Sheik up and drops him on his head with a scoop slam piledriver!
Phillip Blauer: That was the same move twice.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise grabs the top rope and double stomps the back of The Sheik’s head!
Simon Cruise pulls The Sheik up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He dips down for a back drop, but Sheik turns around and gets back flipped onto his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise ducks under a clothesline and comes back with a cartwheel into a spinning kick! Listen to this crowd, they love Simon Cruise. The last time Cruise was here in Palm Springs was in October when he successfully defended the Hardkore West Coast Championship against a masked Kalmin Watts, who we now know was Bobby Nowa. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he defeated Little Dragon.
Phillip Blauer: These people would react the same way if a Pink’s Hot Dog opened here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why have you heard something? Simon Cruise climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a frog splash!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Simon Cruise rolls out of the ring and grabs the ladder. He picks it up and places it on the apron to get it under the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and baseball slide kicks the chair into Simon Cruise’s face!!
The Acrisure Arena audibly winces as the ladder cracks Cruise in the face. Simon crumples to the floor, holding his face. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls Simon up
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is MXG doing? He’s not involved in this match.
Phillip Blauer: He’s just helping the poor lad up. Took quite a nasty spill, you must have missed it.
Graves rolls Simon Cruise onto the apron. The Sheik pulls him up by the hair, standing him up on the ring apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik lifts Simon up in a suplex, and then drop his stomach on the top rope!
The air goes out of Simon’s lungs and he noticeably gasps. Sheik sets up a chair near the ropes, and then pulls Cruise backwards through the top and second ropes. He lies Simon’s head down on the seat of the chair, with his legs resting on the second rope. Sheik climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off the top with a flying leg drop onto the bridged Simon Cruise’s face while his head is on that chair!!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly and The Sheik makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
The Sheik stomps Cruise a few times, then kicking him until he rolls out onto that bridged table against the apron and the guardrail. Sheik sets up the chair by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs into the ropes, vaults off the chair and leaps into the air, but Simon Cruise springboards off the top rope and catches him mid-air with a diving clothesline!!!
The crowd erupts in disbelief and the audience chants “CRUISE!! CRUISE!! CRUISE!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two know each other so well. They can anticipate one another’s next move!
Phillip Blauer: Just like I know Greyson’s favorite soft cheese is roquefort.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have no idea what that is.
Phillip Blauer: Oh right, it’s Velveeta.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs) That’s actually true. It’s got a smooth and creamy texture with a bouquet of savory, meaty, and brothy flavors.
Simon Cruise rolls The Sheik onto the ladder and steps up to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise backflips into a moonsault but Sheik rolls out of the way and Cruise lands on the ladder!!
The Palm Springs audience loudly winces at the clang of Simon’s ribs hitting the steel ladder. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands The Sheik another chair as he’s climbing to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik somersaults off the top turnbuckle into a leg drop with the chair underneath his legs to Cruise’s face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik picks the chair up and tosses it at the laying Cruise’s head!!
The sound rings through The Acrisure Arena. Sheik stomps Simon in the chest, and then pulls him up. He irish whips Cruise into the ropes and clotheslines him, then lies Cruise on the ladder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik sets up that other chair near the ropes and hits the ropes. He hops off the chair into the middle of the top rope into a triple jump moonsault on the ladder!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH!”
Phillip Blauer: Cruise’s body has nowhere to go but hurt!
The Sheik fireman’s carries Cruise up on his shoulders and sits him on the top turnbuckle. He drags the chair over to the corner and backs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik runs and vaults off the chair, but Cruise jumps off the second rope but this time Sheik slingblades him in mid-air!!
The Sheik lands and pops up from the impact, and then makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Acrisure Arena boos loudly as The Sheik rolls over with his arm in the air. “Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays in the background
Greg Jin: “At 22 minutes 45 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…THE SHEIK!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Champion Syberus!
Malcolm Xavier Graves holds up The Sheik’s arm victoriously. Simon Cruise holds his ribs and comes over to shake Sheik’s hand
Phillip Blauer: Simple Simon might snatch back a bloody stump.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise has said that he wanted to make a statement about the Hardkore West Coast title and it’s lineage, and he wants to end it honorably with The Sheik.
The Sheik snarls at Cruise’s outstretched hand and smacks it away. The Palm Springs fans boo
Phillip Blauer: See?
Guillermo O’Bannon: The winner of tonight’s iron man match has The Sheik waiting for them.
(It is hours before the show begins and a figure is standing motionless in the ring arms crossed a ring light shines from above showing a cat like figure that turns out to be Black Tiger.)
Black Tiger: "Ever since I won the Hardkore World Women's Championship everyone asks who will you face next and will you actually face them and I always tell them. I'll face anyone, anytime and any place in any match which has always been my mantra. It has always been my mantra and shall always be my mantra."
(She pauses snarling silently.)
Black Tiger: "All over the world I have travelled and faced all comers during my career. I have never backed down from an opponent or backed out of a match and tonight is no exception."
(Black Tiger growls ominous silently.)
Black Tiger: "Tonight is no exception and tonight I face Lady Liberty. Nice dramatic entrance you made at the last show Lady Liberty. I guess it took plenty of money or whatever currency you use in the future to wire yourself to simulate flight. Don't worry I can understand that your currency doesn't stretch as far as ours.....Come to think of it neither does ours these days."
(She shrugs slowly.)
Black Tiger: "But I digress. Now back to us Lady Liberty I guess you didn't just do a typical superhero landing into the ring and eye me face to face like everyone else. Then again you would have landed on your butt if you did something stupid and I decked you for it. Yeah Lady Liberty I guess that was predicted in advance since you have a time ship and you saw the future for the previous show."
(Black Tiger snorts derisively.)
Black Tiger: "Oh by the way Lady Liberty I do plan on acquiring Punisher's Peacemaker but not as my own. I do plan on returning Punisher's Peacemaker back to him since it's his and not yours or Captain Righteous. Then again the so-called Captain will probably hide it to prevent his trophy from being returned to his rightful owner."
(She snarls more ominously.)
Black Tiger: "Does your Captain's so-called 988 steps include braining people with someone else's weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if it gives him an unearned trophy namely my Hardkore World Women's Championship."
(Black Tiger growls more ominously.)
Black Tiger: "Oh I did notice something that surprises me Lady Liberty. You haven't been running your mouth and neither has your so-called big ego Captain Righteous. I guess this tiger's got yours and Righteous's tongue. You two are usually targeting helpless alien species and trying to get back to the present reality if you know what that is. Then again I digress."
(She pauses and the silence is more ominous.)
Black Tiger: "So tonight Lady Liberty the comic book closes for you and if Captain Righteous interferes and that's always possible since he loves a good villain ending. When I'm done with you Punisher will have his Peacemaker back no matter the cost. Lady Liberty I'll take your cape as a trophy if ylou don't mind which I know you will. I'll see you in the ring."
(She pauses one last time.)
Black Tiger: "Oh I'll also see you in the XHF Rumble. Good luck there when I throw you over the top without a cape and you can see if you can actually fly."
(The scene slowly fades to black.)
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. fades up on an ambulance with it’s lights and sirens on driving out to the Acrisure Arena. It follows it through back entrance, and then straight out to the ringside area. It turns around and then backs it’s way towards the ring
Phillip Blauer: Dave Meltzer should give five stars to a guy that can do a three point turn in an arena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here comes the ambulance that might be needed for our big stretcher match! Roscoe Law retired in 2009 after he lost in this very city of Palm Springs during the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup tag team tournament, when Bobby Nowa interfered and hit The Crater Drop codebreaker costing Law and Matthew X a third round match to Better Than Sex, “Vile” Vince Viper and Spike Nelson.
Phillip Blauer: Nowa was looking to start something with Ross, and wound up chasing him out of the business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Phoenix, Anthony Jordan and Bobby Nowa came out after Roscoe defeated “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse and threatened to retire Roscoe a second time in the stretcher match tonight!
“Suicide is Painless” by the Manic Street Preachers plays and the Palm Springs fans boo. A sweaty Anthony Jordan leads Bobby Nowa down to the ring past the ambulance. Jordan points to it and says “Roscoe’s ride is here!”
Guillermo O’Bannon:It looks as though Anthony Jordan reconsidered not accompanying Nowa to the ring. Maybe some more mind games on his part. As an amateur wrestler himself, Anthony Jordan must have followed Roscoe when he was four time NCAA Champion out of Wisconsin. But now he’s got Bobby Nowa looking very confident tonight, no doubt thanks to his manager Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: Tony Jo, if that’s what I can call him, walks the walk, and talks the talk. We saw his victory earlier tonight against Tuxedo Mask. Bobby just needs to follow his example.
Bobby Nowa slowly walks to the ring with no acknowledgement of the jeering fans, passing a “Maim Bobby Nowa” and “Roscoe Owes Bobby A Trip On The Stretcher” signs
Phillip Blauer: Bobby Nowa has crowed in the back about putting Roscoe Law out to pasture for years. You can’t take that away from him. It’s his whole thing. Shake his hand, and hear about exploding Roscoe’s pec with The Crater Drop. I know every pause and beat of that story by now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Bobby Nowa was here was Palm Springs Punishment 2012 when he defeated a little person by the name of Warwick Von Silverstein.
Phillip Blauer: A real classic for the tape traders.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2009, Nowa lost to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in the first round of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament.
Yolanda Ando: Bobby Nowa has short messy dark brown hair, and a full thick beard with touches of gray in it. He wears black boots, with dark green & white tights, and a matching headband. He wears a t-shirt that says “That’s What She Said”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Anthony Jordan supporting Nowa in his singles endeavor here tonight, saying Roscoe has to be dealt with now before he becomes a bigger problem down the road.
Phillip Blauer: Like silverfish.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan and Nowa as Nowa Out are quite the tag team, but at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, Bobby Nowa wants to put Roscoe out again. And he wants him to stay out; so he’ll be pulling out all the stops in this stretcher match.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I just got that. “That’s what she said.” Probably, huh??
Phil laughs for entirely too long
Greg Jin: “The following is a Stretcher Match! The match will not end until one of the competitors is taken out by medical staff on a stretcher. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by his manager, Anthony Jordan; From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Standing 6 feet 2 inches; Weighing 242 pounds; The Keystone Krippler…BOBBY NOWA!!!”
The audience boos as Nowa loosens up in the ring. Anthony Jordan tells Bobby to block it all out as he nods
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro triggers the entrance and “LAW” in red on a black screen as classic Roscoe Law clips play throughout the entrance. Pyro shoots from the floor as Roscoe walks out eating a pickled egg, and carrying a tray of snacks. He stands at the top of the stage as he surveys the roaring audience’s reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: There he is. Roscoe Law, who started winning titles 34 years ago in 1989! He’s a four time NCAA wrestling champion for Wisconsin and a former Hardkore West Coast Champion, Hardkore Midwest Champion, Hardkore Television Champion, CWF European Champion, CWF European Tag Team Champion, CWF World Six Man Television Champ, a three time CCW World Heavyweight Champion, IWA Wisconsin State Champion, IEWL BRAWL Champion, SWA United States Tag Team Champion, CCW Television Champion, CCW Louisiana State Champion, a four time CCW Tag Team Champion, a CCW Bayou Tag Team Champion and a two time VSW Tag Team Champion.
Phillip Blauer: A man that can get over on the West Coast, Midwest, the Bayou…and Europe? That type of charisma needs to be studied in a lab.
A fan, overcome with emotion, hugs Roscoe Law. He’s wearing a vintage “I Fought The Law, And The Law Won” t-shirt. Ross takes a moment to talk to the middle aged man and offer him a pickled egg or snack of his choice
Phillip Blauer: Get a grip, friend.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That guy is probably just remembering the heartstopping nights here in this city, at this pay-per-view. Palm Springs Punishment 2008 when he defeated Syberus for the Hardkore Midwest Championship. Or Palm Springs Punishment 2007, when he was one of the few defeats on Rated X’s record.
Phillip Blauer: Still, it’s important to keep any emotions strictly rationed. Your feelings are none of your concern. Ross knows that, he’s from Wisconsin for Pete's sake. Just look at his office, it’s like repression is his wallpaper.
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is able to separate the fan and Roscoe Law, so that Ross can continue to slap the hands of the fans that flock to the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe contends that Bobby Nowa did not end his career, and he didn’t even remember that he had cost Law and Matthew X their match that night in the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup.
Phillip Blauer: He can deny the fact that Bobby hit him with his finish, and then he never wanted to wrestle ever, ever again all he wants. But taking shots at another guy’s best girl? Dirty pool, mister. Dirty pool.
Roscoe gets caught talking to another woman at ringside. Her husband comes over and they take a selfie before Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. is able to rescue him once again from his fans. He walks over to the announce position near Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law says the mere fact that Nowa thinking he retired him for seventeen years means that he lived in his head rent free, and gives Roscoe the advantage.
Roscoe Law: (smiles) Guillermo!
Roscoe pats O’Bannon on the shoulder and then turns to Phil, looking at him emotionless as he sets the snacks down on the announce table
Roscoe Law: …Blauer.
Phillip Blauer: (cordial but cold) Rosstopher.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, will you stop? He brought cheese.
Law looks around at everyone else
Roscoe Law: Well, there should be enough for everyone. (points out the snacks to O’Bannon and Blauer) These are Wisconsin cheese curds. Eat them while they’re fresh or they won’t squeak. And these… (points to the eggs and describes them excitedly) …are eggs pickled in a mustard brine. There’s a little heat to them but they are top notch. Enjoy… and don’t waste them. This is a goddamn party!
Roscoe Law stands on the apron and raises his arm to a huge pop from The Acrisure Arena. He nods and steps through the ropes into the ring, eyeing Nowa and Anthony Jordan. Referee Richie Richardson wanders over and starts taking cheese curds
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie, I don’t think you’re supposed to eat cheese that a wrestler in your match brought you.
Richie Richardson: (mouth full of cheese) Why not?
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, why not? Do you know who his mom is?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, it’s Judy, but Phil, we’re not supposed to tell…
Phillip Blauer: Lemme try one of these eggs. “A little heat”. He’s from Wisconsin, what does he know about heat? I’m from San Diego. I once had several bites of a chalupa with extra sour cream.
Phil bites into the egg and chews for a while, then it hits him
Phillip Blauer: It’s like chewing on a red hot charcoal briquet!! Quick, I need breast milk!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and runs off to fetch some, but keeps changing his mind on which way to go
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law says the mere fact that Nowa thinking he retired him for seventeen years means that he lived in his head rent free…
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock. Why I have several roustabouts living in my entryway closet and I never give them a second thought.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do they pay rent?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) Of course they do! Why, imagine if they didn’t? I… I… couldn’t… The very idea makes me just furious. I… I don’t feel so good.
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe has short salt & pepper hair and sports a short salt & pepper beard. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed in red on them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Now Roscoe’s back after that fateful night here in Palm Springs, when he walked away from the business, at the 2009 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup, to put Bobby exactly where he said he put Ross, on a stretcher.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Roscoe seems blown away by the reaction and thanks the fans huge ovation
Stretcher Match
Bobby Nowa vs. Roscoe Law
Bobby Nowa runs up on Roscoe and whacks him with a hard knife edge chop to his chest.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa hits Roscoe with another hard chop that backs him into the ropes. He irish whips Law into the ropes and back drops him high into the air!
The audience boos but Anthony Jordan applauds on the outside. Roscoe gets up but Bobby flips him over with an over the shoulder armdrag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa applies an armbar.
Phillip Blauer: Prepare the stretcher!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t think that’s necessary, Phil. He sticks his knee into the ball of Nowa’s shoulder and cranks back on it.
Roscoe is able to get to his with Nowa hanging onto the armbar. He backs Bobby into the ropes and then uses his arm barred arm and the other one to belly to belly suplex Nowa
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe escapes the arm bar and shoots Bobby into the ropes, hitting him with a dropkick!
Law pulls Nowa up by the hair, ties their legs up and snaps back into a russian legsweep
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law rocks Nowa with a right hand. He goes for another, but Bobby ducks and atomic drops him into the corner. He backs up and gives Roscoe a double ax handle. Bobby Nowa backs up even further into the kitty corner
Phillip Blauer: We should really let 9 Lives or Fancy Feast sponsor our kitty corner.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa charges in with a stinger splash! He grabs Roscoe by the arm and pulls him out of the corner with a shortarm clothesline.
Bobby Nowa grabs a reverse chinlock. The audience boos as Anthony Jordan yells encouragement from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa attempting to wear down the larger Roscoe…
Phillip Blauer: Bring out the stretcher, lads!
The Palm Springs crowd chants “ROSCOE! ROSCOE! ROSCOE!” as Roscoe tries to fight his way back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law now works his way back to his feet but Bobby Nowa is still hanging on to that reverse chinlock. Roscoe fires an elbow into Bobby’s bread basket, and then a second one frees him from the chinlock. He tries to kick him in the stomach, but Nowa catches his foot. So Law swings around with an enzuigiri!
The audience comes to life with a big pop! Roscoe pulls Nowa up by the hair and shoots him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law spinebusters Nowa so hard that the impact pops him back up onto his feet! He grabs his legs and turns him over into a scorpion deathlock!
Roscoe sits down low to put the pressure on Bobby’s lower back and knees. Anthony Jordan yells instructions on how to escape
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no submissions in this match, but Roscoe attempting to injure something to necessitate that stretcher.
Bobby Nowa finally crawls over to the side of the ring and hooks the ropes. Richie Richardson taps Roscoe on the shoulder to release the scorpion deathlock. He does and climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law hits him right in the mush with a missile dropkick!
Roscoe double underhooks Nowa’s arms, but Nowa blocks it, and backdrops him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa catches Roscoe getting back up with a side crescent kick!
Nowa pulls him up and applies an abdominal stretch. He pulls back on Roscoe’s arm, and with his free hand graps the rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa using the ropes for an unfair advantage on that abdominal stretch.
Phillip Blauer: Well, the idea is to put the other chap on a stretcher. All’s fair and what not?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I just think if he wants to claim that he put Roscoe on a stretcher, he should do it admirably.
Phillip Blauer: (pretends his hand is a book) Let me check the record book for the column for “won admirably”. Hmm. Not seeing it. Maybe it’s in the moral victories section…(licks his thumb and turns an invisible page)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. I get it. Roscoe Law hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch! He irish whips Nowa into the corner, but Bobby bounces off the turnbuckles and hits him with a lariat!
The wind goes out of the audience’s sails with that as Hardkore Cameraman Danny Valentine Jr. gets a shot of Anthony Jordan chuckling
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa applies a chicken wing crossface. He clamps down on Roscoe’s windpipe with the hammerlock, pulling the taller Law down to an awkward position.
Phillip Blauer: Oh dear.
The Acrisure Arena chants “ROSCOE!! ROSCOE!! ROSCOE!!” as Anthony Jordan shushes them. Roscoe uses their support to slip out of the chicken wing crossface with his free arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law does a go behind and applies a crossface chicken wing of his own to Bobby Nowa!
The crowd pops and suddenly it’s Bobby Nowa looking to escape the crossface chicken wing. Law cranks up on his bent back arm, while choking him with his forearm and elbow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law kicks the back of Nowa’s knee, and puts him down to his knees into a surfboard. He sticks his knee into the middle of Bobby’s back and pulls back on his arms.
Roscoe tries to pull Bobby’s arms out of his sockets, Nowa shouts out in pain. Law gives his arms another yank, and then wraps Nowa’s own arms around his neck in a straightjacket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe converts it into a straightjacket submission maneuver. He pulls back on Nowa’s hands and wrists, continuing to wear down Bobby’s arms and back for that stretcher.
Phillip Blauer: You know that looks painful but I’ve had the opportunity to wear some real ones after a few unfortunate misunderstandings and they’re actually quite nice. Kind of like getting swaddled like a little baby.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …Ok. Roscoe climbs to the top turnbuckle and dives off with a flying headbutt, but Bobby Nowa rolls out of the way!
The Palm Springs crowd boos. Bobby Nowa works the pain out of his shoulder, and then pulls Roscoe up into a full nelson, and then pitches forward into a skull crushing finale
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosebud!
Phillip Blauer: The sled?? I had a friend that was looking for that thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa climbs to the top turnbuckle and then jumps off, crashing down onto a rising Ross with a double ax handle! He sits on Law’s back and applies a camel clutch.
Nowa links his fingers underneath Roscoe’s chin and rocks back with his head and neck. He sits back low on the taller Law’s back, nearly bending him in half
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nowa releases the camel clutch and climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. He waits for Roscoe to get to his feet and then nails him with a flying dropkick that knocks Law out of the ring!
Anthony Jordan casually walks over and kicks Roscoe in the stomach on the floor, and The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, come on!
Phillip Blauer: He tripped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tripped?! This isn’t a handicap match, it’s a stretcher match!
Phillip Blauer: Easy mistake to make.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby Nowa grabs Law by the legs, and then slingshots him face first into the corner post!!
The audience winces at the sound of Roscoe’s head ringing off the ring post
Phillip Blauer: He’s out! Bring the stretcher!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m afraid you might be right. Anthony Jordan now calling over Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his staff.
The Acrisure Arena boos as David Valentine Jr. and his crew load Roscoe onto the stretcher
Phillip Blauer: Well, look, you can’t blame a guy for trying. He wanted to see if he still had it and…(takes a bite of another egg) Hoochimama!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why do you keep eating them?? Wait, Roscoe grabs David by the arm and is refusing to go on the stretcher ride! This match continues!
Phillip Blauer: It’s like swallowing the sun!
Bobby Nowa hammers Roscoe a few times with right hands while he’s on the stretcher, then dumps him off of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe will superkick one end of the fully extended stretcher so that the other end catches Nowa in the throat!
The audience comes to life as Nowa clutches his throat and back pedals until he’s leaning against the apron. Meanwhile Roscoe, collapses the stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: While Nowa is propped up against the apron, Law grabs one end of the stretcher and baseball swings it lengthwise into Nowa’s chest!!
Phillip Blauer: Wait, and Nowa wasn’t allowed to hold the ropes during an abdominal stretch, Richie??
Roscoe Law pins get Nowa’s head between the adjustable headrest of the stretcher and the bar underneath, and then climbs to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law flying elbow drops the padded part of the stretcher from the top rope to pinch his neck in there!!
Roscoe Law drapes Nowa’s upper body draped over the padding of the stretcher but his feet are still touching the ground. He asks Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson if that counts.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, don’t ask Richie.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe did state that he wasn’t quite sure how this kind of match worked.
Richie scratches the back of his head and said “Probably not.” Roscoe respectfully nods and says “Just checking.” Roscoe Law fully extends the stretcher and then pulls Nowa so he’s standing dazed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law and then fully grabs the stretcher and, from behind, drops the bottom part of the ‘X’ framework over Nowa’s head!!
The crowd roars. Bobby Nowa’s arms and torso are trapped in the framework with the heavy part with the pad and most of the stretcher framework is at his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe adjusts the height on the stretcher with Nowa in the framework and to make it as tight as possible so Nowa’s arms are pinned tightly to his side and he can’t move!
Phillip Blauer: Typical midwesterner, has to show he knows how to adjust things. Very “look at me”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you’re literally holding a mirror right now.
Phillip Blauer: (making kissy faces at himself)
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Nowa tries to get his balance, Roscoe superkicks him, easily knocking him over because of the back weight!
The stretcher is upside down, trapping Nowa in the framework face up, legs dangling. Roscoe once again asks Richie Richardson if this counts as a win as Nowa is hanging there right above the pad, but Richie shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: Give em hell, Richie!
Roscoe Law shrugs and climbs up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law comes off the second rope with an elbow drop to Nowa’s neck!
Law once again asks Richie Richardson if this counts as a win as Nowa is hanging there right above the pad. Richie checks and then shakes his head. Roscoel shrugs and starts to chuckle
Phillip Blauer: I don’t get it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That doesn’t surprise me.
Roscoe Law flips the stretcher over with Nowa trapped and get it on its wheels so now Nowa faces the ground directly above it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe grabs Nowa by the ankles and drags him to the open area where the ambulance is parked!
Phillip Blauer: I thought it was just a gimmick ambulance?! I left my Panda Express in there backstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law gives Nowa the cesaro swing on the stretcher into the ambulance!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with a loud “OH!” After some time, Bobby Nowa recovers and starts kicking his legs trying to escape and then realizes he can push with his feet to roll the stretcher away, very slowly. Roscoe walks over to grab the ring bell and takes his time smiling and watching Nowa trying to scoot away while pinned in the stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe takes the ring bell and cracks him in the back of the head!!
Roscoe studies the stretcher mechanism to find where you lock its height. Law takes the ring bell and busts the locking mechanism so that the stretcher would fall flat to floor level if someone wasn’t trapped in it. Roscoe Law quickly climbs onto the ambulance roof directly above the now-broken stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe comes off the top of that ambulance and lands on the stretcher pad with his full weight, crushing Nowa in the framework!!
Phillip Blauer: That is now an ex-stretcher.
The Palm Springs audience chants “ROSCOE LAW!! ROSCOE LAW!! ROSCOE LAW!!” Roscoe grabs a chair from a fan
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law slams that chair on the top of the stretcher a few times to continue to crush Nowa in the stretcher!!
Roscoe Law grabs another nearby stretcher
Phillip Blauer: There’s a back up stretcher??
Guillermo O’Bannon: Apparently.
Roscoe lowers the stretcher all the way down to the floor and locks the wheels so it doesn’t roll. He drags the stretcher with Nowa and pulls it parallel on top of the other stretcher as if they’re stacked. Roscoe asks Richie Richardson for a ruling, since Nowa and the stretcher he’s trapped in are now on the other stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie signaling for the bell and that is it!
“I Fought The Law” by The Clash plays and the crowd roars Roscoe makes a signal for someone to come out
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 36 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Two masked men in full white outfits with red trim get out of the driver’s section of the ambulance. Their masks have a red cross ( + ) on the forehead
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Interns! The tag team that Roscoe Law managed in the UWA! They secure Bobby Nowa to a stretcher and put him in the back of the ambulance!
Roscoe heads back to the announce desk and takes another pickled egg. He pops the whole thing in his mouth and eats it as he’s heading back to the ambulance
Phillip Blauer: How can he eat those things like that? Show off. He must have picked one of the mild ones.
As Nowa is strapped onto the stretcher, Roscoe climbs into the back of the ambulance and facess the crowd, acknowledging their cheers. Then suddenly, Law holds up a hand as if to pause things. He gets a slightly pained expression on his face and then smiles. Meanwhile, Nowa starts violently thrashing around on the stretcher as Roscoe jumps off the ambulance and The Interns close the back doors
Phillip Blauer: Dear god, I think he just hot boxed the ambulance!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Roscoe I know would never…actually….
The Interns hop in and drive off with Nowa - lights and sirens - as Roscoe looks into the camera held by Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.
Roscoe Law: (smiling) I have just reinvented the stretcher match. You’re welcome. (he’s about to walk off and stops) And never underestimate a pickled egg fart. (walks off laughing)
Guillermo O’Bannon: I guess he did.
Open on b roll of farm animals like goats, pigs, chickens, llamas, and cows
What’s the worst part of petting zoos? Noisy children ruining what should be a serene bonding experience with the animal kingdom. But kids come with the territory, right?”
Wrong.
Introducing
Ned’s Adult Petting Zoo
That’s right, a petting zoo for adults and adults only. You can even swear at the animals. They don’t know what you're saying. Just let the expletives fly! Drinks will be served and you can network with other professionals
Fade to Ned walking into the shot of the petting zoo
Ned: Now a lot of you are probably saying, “Ned? Isn’t this a little weird?” Only if you think a lot of guys petting goats is weird. Oh, and no women. Messes up the vibe.
Ned stares at the camera for an uncomfortable amount of time. A pig walks into the shot
Ned: There you are.
Fade up on a shot of Dan Stein’s Peacemaker on a pole, propped up on one of the corners over the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the big showdown between the two biggest men in Hardkore World, “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Captain Righteous. It all started back in February, when Dan Stein was attempting to win the Hardkore West Coast Championship from The Sheik and had him pressed over his head. Captain Righteous came in and crescent kicked Stein in the face, costing him the match and the title. Then, in Ontario, California, Captain Righteous had his cohort Lady Liberty come down to the ring during Stein’s match with The Martian, and strong arm The Peacemaker away from Domino.
Phillip Blauer: I think you mean disarm a dangerous man? Did you see that heinous attack on those good samaritans at that bar in Key West? Do I need to remind you that thing still has people’s hair on it? Imagine him swinging that back and some of that lands in some poor lad’s Coca Cola Classic?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then in Phoenix, after Captain Righteous’ match with Tuxedo Mask, Dan Stein showed up to take his Peacemaker back.
Phillip Blauer: Most circles would call that thievery.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was his to begin with!
Phillip Blauer: Yeah ok, OJ.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous was able to run off with The Peacemaker, but here tonight, we will see who gets to keep it in a Peacemaker on a Pole match!
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. Fans holds up signs that say “Captain Righteous Is Receiving That Peacemaker Into A Special Place”, “Captain Self Righteous”, and “Fake Superhero”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous making some sick, bizarre threats to Domino, clearly trying to continue his manipulation of Dan Stein mentally.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, like that’s hard to do. He nearly murdered someone for asking him to adhere to the health code.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous becoming obsessed with beating Stein, and maybe even stealing Domino from him.
Phillip Blauer: She’d be better off. At least Captain Righteous has a real job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As what?
Phillip Blauer: A spaceman superhero, you dolt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. We all know how violent and extreme The Punisher can get, but Captain Righteous claims to have no depths he won’t sink to, to win this match.
Phillip Blauer: My hero.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is a Peacemaker on a Pole Match. It is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous puts his hands on his hips and ignores the boos and jeers
Suddenly the Acrisure Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face. They walk past signs that say “The Danimal”, and “Dan The Man”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein didn’t start this, but he is determined to finish it. He is willing to inflict unspeakable violence upon Captain Righteous for stealing The Peacemaker, costing him the Hardkore West Coast Championship, and for what he said about Domino.
Phillip Blauer: Whatever happened to being gracious to our guests?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous has been here since December.
Phillip Blauer: So was my mother-in-law, doesn’t mean I get to bash her head in with a wooden pole.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dear lord, is Dorothy’s mother still alive?
Phillip Blauer: No, unfortunately there was an accident where she fell down the stairs right when I was patting her on the back for being such a good mother-in-law. Tragic.
Guillermo slowly slides away, distancing himself from Phil. When Dan Stein enters the ring, instead of his Peacemaker as usual, he thrusts his arm up, to the roar of the crowd.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. As Dan says, this event and this town is very special to him. At Palm Springs Punishment 2005, Stein won a 10 man barbed wire battle royal. In June of 2005, he defeated Lucifer Jones in that spiked leather strap match. At Palm Springs Punishment 2006, he and Lucifer Jones lost the Hardkore World Tag Team titles to the late Adrian Tanner Jr. and Andrew Karnage. At Palm Springs Punishment 2007, he won a Mir match as Hardkore America Champion against Hardkore Nippon Grand Champion Marty Donovan, Hardkore Canada Heavyweight Champion "Platinum" Pat Bozzini, Hardkore Britain Heavyweight Champion Stefan Slain, the late Hardkore Australia Heavyweight Champion Eric "The Revelation" McNeely, Hardkore South Appalachian, Heavyweight Champion Levi Watts, and Hardkore Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Champion "Nasty" Ned Chambers. Then when he returned at Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane defended the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship over Kalmin Watts and Gavin Drake. The last time Dan Stein was here was back in October when he lost to Cross Recoba in his Hardkore World Heavyweight title match.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The Acrisure Arena lets out an ear splitting pop as Dan Stein takes off his sunglasses and stares at Captain Righteous
Peacemaker on a Pole Match
“The Punisher” Dan Stein vs. Captain Righteous
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Dan Stein and Captain Righteous step to the middle of the ring and glare at one another, with Righteous looking up at the 6’7 Punisher. The audience gets louder and louderGuillermo O’Bannon: We’ve been waiting for this since February! Who will budge??
Stein and Righteous are jawing with one another but Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. can’t pick up what they are saying
Phillip Blauer: Look at the look of disdain on Captain Righteous!
Captain Righteous pushes Dan Stein away by the face. The Acrisure Arena roars with boos and Stein touches his face where Righteous pushed him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein comes back and pushes Captain Righteous backwards!
The audience explodes and Righteous looks furious, brushing his bodysuit where Stein touched him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow! That’s as far as I’ve seen anyone move Captain Righteous since he got to the West Coast!
Phillip Blauer: He probably just slipped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The indignant Captain Righteous comes back with a right hand!
The crowd boos and Dan Stein just nods at a seething Captain Righteous
Phillip Blauer: This is like watching a comic book!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein uncorks a huge punch of his own and Righteous goes into the ropes!
The fans are deafening as Righteous swears revenge at Stein, who beckons him to try it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous charges him but Stein uses his momentum to pick Righteous up and toss him into the corner!!
Righteous is shocked as Dan Stein grabs the ropes and rams his shoulder into Righteous’ stomach over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous drops down in the corner, but Stein unleashes a flurry of stomps. He puts the bottom of his boot on Righteous’ throat and chokes him!
The fans are going nuts as Kelly O’Connell pleads with Stein to stop choking him. Dan uses the ropes for leverage and uses his entire 285 pounds on Captain Righteous’ windpipe
Phillip Blauer: Someone save him! Kelly??
Guillermo O’Bannon: He scoops Righteous up and running powerslams him out of the corner!
…ONE!
…Dan Stein pulls Captain Righteous up by the hair
The audience cheers as Dan Stein smiles, shaking his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein doesn’t want to end this one yet!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe I can call Mantis or Darkseid? I think I have their numbers here somewhere…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein grabs Captain Righteous’ arm in a fujiwara armbar!
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous looks apoplectic!
Stein pulls up on his arm, bracing against his wrist. Kelly O’Connell asks Captain Righteous if he wants to tap out, but he has some terse words for her. Stein grabs a couple fingers and twists those as well, causing Righteous to cry out in pain. “Be nice!” Stein yells at him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous grabs the bottom rope with his free arm, and Kelly O’Connell forces Dan to break the fujiwara armbar. Dan pulls him up into a bearhug!
The crowd roars as Captain Righteous screams in agony. Dan Stein clamps his arms together and tries to squeeze the life out of him. The audience chants “DAN!! DAN!! DAN!!” as Domino leads them on
Phillip Blauer: You know, a crowd can be too loud sometimes. Captain Righteous is trying to concentrate and win a match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well Dan Stein is trying to crush Righteous’ ribs with that bearhug! But Captain Righteous does a bell clap to finally escape!
The audience groans, and Righteous runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Dan Stein catches him with a discus clothesline!
The Palm Springs fans pop with delight as Captain Righteous goes down, sprawled out. Dan licks his lips and pulls him up by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein scoops Righteous up on his shoulder, but Captain Righteous floats over onto his feet behind him into an inverted facelock, then drops down into a reverse DDT!
The air goes out of the crowd, and Captain Righteous begins strangling Stein on the mat. Kelly O’Connell tries to pull him away from Dan, but Captain Righteous doesn’t budge
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gives him a parting headbutt and then gets back to his feet. He backs up and hits the kneeling Stein with a shining wizard!
The Acrisure Arena lets out a loud “OH!” and then jeers. Righteous pulls Stein to his feet and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous charges in with a back elbow to Stein’s jaw, rocking his head back. He grabs the ropes and gives Stein some shoulder drives to the gut of his own. He applies a claw to Dan’s skull.
Stein grimaces in pain while Righteous has a look of delight on his face. Domino cheers Stein on and Captain Righteous whips his head around and shouts “Shut up!” The boos fill The Acrisure Arena
Phillip Blauer: I’m telling you, you have to try and keep it down with this guy. He’s got super hearing. He can hear a mouse urinating on cotton.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous squeezes his fingers and thumb into Stein’s temples with that powerful hand of his.
Stein goes down to one knee from the pain as Captain Righteous puts more and more pressure on his forehead and temples
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous backs up, and then charges in, cracking Stein in the skull with a knee strike! He pulls Stein out of the corner with a faceplant DDT!
Captain Righteous disgustedly pushes Stein’s arm away from him and then looks up at The Peacemaker on a Pole
Phillip Blauer: Time for The Punisher to get hoisted by his own petard.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous climbing up the turnbuckles towards that pole, but Stein is now on his feet. Righteous is standing on the second turnbuckle when Dan Stein grabs him from behind with a german suplex!
Phillip Blauer: Drats.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein lifts him up and rolls him around, dropping down into a rude awakening!
Stein pulls Righteous up by the hair, and then lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous hobbles a few steps but Dan Stein catches him and applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his foot and uses that 6’7 frame to bend Captain Righteous backwards.
Kelly O’Connell asks Captain Righteous if he wants to give up, but he calls her a name, so Stein wrenches back on the abdominal stretch harder
Phillip Blauer: Apple polishing the referee? This man knows no shame.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous hip tosses his way out of the abdominal stretch. He irish whips Stein into the ropes and catches him with a flying back elbow!
Captain Righteous brushes off his bodysuit, and pulls Dan Stein up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous with a snap DDT that drills Stein’s skull into the canvas!
The audience boos loudly and Captain Righteous looks startled by their reaction. He goes over and crouches in the corner waiting for Dan to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous runs and hits Dan Stein with a Captain Righteous Punch!
Dan Stein’s head turns to the side, and then he snaps his head back! The crowd erupts in with a deafening pop. A shocked Captain Righteous looks at his fist in confusion
Guillermo O’Bannon: It had no effect!
Phillip Blauer: What?? I saw that knock out Mr. Courageous when he tried to stop him from throwing that bus of nuns into the hole in the Hoover Dam!
The audience is on their feet as Dan Stein huffs and puffs as Captain Righteous tries to explain himself
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein is hearing none of it and boots Righteous in the stomach. He pulls Captain Righteous up into a suplex! Look at the power!
Dan Stein sits up and Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a close up of him smiling at the camera. He pulls Captain Righteous up to his feet and wraps Courageous’ own arm around his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein drops down into a regal cutter! He’s now looking up at The Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: It’s probably just a light that went out in the lighting rig. I’ve been meaning to tell Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. The Martian noticed it while being pinned a few times.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein begins climbing the turnbuckles towards The Peacemaker!
The Palm Springs audience roars louder with each step. Captain Righteous pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gets underneath him and drops Stein on the back of his head with a backdrop driver!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” as both men lie on the mat. Suddenly Captain Righteous sits up and rolls to his feet like a cyborg. He pulls Stein up by his hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous takes him out with a flying clothesline!
The Acrisure Arena boos and Captain Righteous walks over to the corner, and then begins climbing up the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous is on the top turnbuckle and about to grab The Peacemaker…but Stein yanks on his cape and crotches him on the steel cable hook!!
The fans cheer wildly while Captain Righteous’ eyes cross. Dan Stein turns Righteous around so he’s facing the ring, and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a guillotine choke on Righteous while Righteous is perched on the top turnbuckle!
The audience cheers Captain Righteous predicament. Stein uses his full 285 pounds to rock back on RIghteous’ head and neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls down on Righteous’ head, using gravity to cut off his air!
Kelly O’Connell taps on Stein to let him go, as they're in the corner. The distraction allows Captain Righteous to slowly slip his sweaty head out of Stein’s grasp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous uses his arm to push Stein back down to the ring below!
The crowd jeers as Captain Righteous takes a few minutes to get his breath back, then turns around and stands up on the top turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous has The Peacemaker! It’s back in it’s rightful hands!
The boos rain down from all over The Acrisure Arena as Captain Righteous proudly holds The Peacemaker over his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous comes off the top turnbuckle and blasts Dan Stein in the head with it!! He makes the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous irish whips Stein into the ropes and clotheslines him with The Peacemaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous pulls him up by the hair and pushes him against the turnbuckles. He picks up The Peacemaker and jams it into Dan Stein’s ribcage!
Stein crumples to one one knee, gasping for air. Captain Righteous pulls his head into his legs for a piledriver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein blocks the piledriver! He stands up with Captain Righteous on his back and flips him forward into an alabama slammer!
The audience comes to life! A woozy Dan Stein tries to clear the cobwebs and then spies The Peacemaker. Then he looks at Captain Righteous laid out on the mat, then back to The Peacemaker
Phillip Blauer: No. No, no, no, no.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes! Dan Stein goes over and retrieves his Peacemaker! Captain Righteous struggles up and is brained by the wooden staff!!
The Palm Springs audience celebrates! Captain Righteous lies there with blood trickling out of his forehead
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: A dizzy Captain Righteous staggers up to his feet, and Dan nearly takes him out of his boots with a Stein Line!
The audience is coming unglued and Stein walks around the ring, feeding off their energy. Captain Righteous rolls to his side and bleeds all over the canvas. Dan Stein picks up The Peacemaker and climbs onto Righteous’ back
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a camel clutch with The Peacemaker!! He sits back, nearly decapitating Captain Righteous with his staff!
Righteous bleeds a gusher all down his front and into a basketball sized pool on the mat. Kelly O’Connell asks Righteous if he gives up, but he is out cold from blood loss
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous is out! Kelly O’Connell tries to get an answer, but Stein just bends him in half! The blood is leaking out of his forehead like a faucet!
Suddenly, Lady Liberty appears out of nowhere and lifts Domino up on her shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! What is Lady Liberty doing with Domino?!? Put her down!
Dan Stein notices and drops Captain Righteous to go over to rescue Domino. Kelly O’Connell tries to stop him from murdering Lady Liberty who is now half way up the aisle with a kicking and screaming Domino over her shoulder
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure she’s a suspect in a crime those two are investigating. They never stop protecting the public.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino has done nothing wrong and you know it! This is kidnapping!
Phillip Blauer: That sounds like a case for…oh yeah.
Dan Stein pushes Kelly O’Connell away from him as best he can without hurting her, but she still falls
Phillip Blauer: Oh, real nice. There’s your hero, ladies and gentleman.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He was trying to help Domino!
Dan Stein goes over to make sure Kelly is ok when suddenly Captain Righteous low blows him with The Peacemaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: A blood drenched Captain Righteous just blasted Stein between the legs with his own Peacemaker! He crawls over and drapes an arm over him!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Captain Righteous rolls over, blood dripping into his mouth and chest
Greg Jin: “At 23 minutes 30 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein had Captain Righteous dead to rights, and if it wasn’t for him being a good person…wait, Captain Righteous has The Peacemaker!
Phillip Blauer: Maybe the fellow good person Captain Righteous has decided to return the…
A blood drenched Captain Righteous whacks Dan Stein across the back with The Peacemaker and Stein arches his back in agony. The pain on his face is unmistakable
Phillip Blauer: Maybe not.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous smashes that Peacemaker across his surgically repaired back a second time, and Dan Stein goes limp!
A barely able to stand Captain Righteous looks at The Peacemaker and curls his lip. He drops it on Dan Stein and passes out, falling through the ropes. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. helps him to his feet as fans throw trash and debris at him
Phillip Blauer: Hey, hey, hey! This man is a hero!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He makes me sick. And what has he done with Domino?
Captain Righteous pushes David Valentine Jr. away from him and staggers down the aisle, soda cups and water bottles bouncing off of him. He has a bizarre smile on his face, stained with blood
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure Lady Liberty has flown her somewhere safe. Like concessions, maybe?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. now attending to Dan Stein who hasn’t moved since that second strike with The Peacemaker. Fans, we’ll be right back!
Sweeney Chicken Farms
Open on a farmer standing near a chicken coup in coveralls.
Curtis Sweeney: Hello, my name is Curtis Sweeney from Sweeney Chicken Farms. We are a cruelty free chicken ranch. But here, we take it to another level. We use positive reinforcements to make our chickens the best tasting around. We tell them things like “Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal”…. which makes em extra juicy.
Curtis walks over and points to a hen.
Curtis Sweeney: Like take this one for example, a single mother, she just got her GED despite having a learning disability while taking night classes.
Close up of the chicken as she pecks the ground
Curtis Sweeney: Now, you batter her up, throw her in the fryer, and then cover her in some country gravy. I don’t think you can go wrong, buddy. And that’s due to the encouragement and support we provide that I believe ultimately creates a better tasting chicken. Like I won’t even sell Cecil.
Shot cuts to rooster eyeing Curtis
Curtis Sweeney: That boy’s just got negative vibes. Throws off the gosh darn chakras for the whole barn. I won’t subject anyone to what that toxic chicken probably tastes like. So next time you buy chicken for your family, make sure it’s the well adjusted chickens from Sweeney’s Chicken Farms, and we thank you for doing so.
Open up on Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr., and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. putting the finishing touches on the steel cage surrounding the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In January, Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody began receiving bizarre messages from some unknown source. In Los Angeles, the lights went out and someone knocked him out. In Ontario, he put “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart in charge of finding out who the culprit was. During his match with Moondog Dook, Nobody got another message, a QR code playing on the video screen that linked to a Warrant song.
Phillip Blauer: Withering. I’d let someone talk about my mama before I’d let them play a Warrant song at me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This in Phoenix, during his match with “The Punisher” Dan Stein, once again the lights went out and when they came on Hasbulla and Alexander Von Blankenship came out and distracted Joe Nobody, allowing Stein to win.
Phillip Blauer: Allowing Stein to pin someone was a necessary evil for my plan to work. Dorothy’s dying wish, besides for her throat to stop closing from the allergic reaction she had to the skittles, was for me to take the Hardkore California Championship from that fedora distributing SOB.
The Acrisure Arena boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, shushing the booing crowd. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: You know, I could have done a lot with my money, Gipper. I could have have made an orphanage for kids with weird arms.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That would have been nice…
Phillip Blauer: But instead, I decided to buy wrestlers to win titles from people I didn’t like. Like Walt Disney, all I had was a dream. To make people I don’t care for sad.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship is done doing things for the glory of a faction or group. During his time in The Anointed, he feels he was overlooked and sacrificed by the other members of the stable.
Phillip Blauer: That’s right. Our motto in Philthy Rich is “Look out for yourself, because I sure as sugar am not gonna do it.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s heartwarming.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Always Very Basic” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, and “Nobody Does It Better”.Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try and touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB brought up Joe Nobody’s wife which I feel was a real low thing to do. Let’s keep this in the ring, there’s no need to bring people’s home life into it.
Phillip Blauer: Why? Joe Nobody is free to do the same. He can poke fun at the beautiful models and socialites that AVB beds. Or he could lampoon Alexander’s striking good looks. Maybe a send up of how his father was a famous wrestler? That would smart!
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s obviously trying to get a cheap advantage over the Hardkore California Champion, I just think there’s better ways to go about it than make innuendo towards another man’s wife.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the cage. He gives the cage the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Listen to these fans. The last time AVB was in Palm Springs was back in October when he and Wesley Crane lost their Hardkore World Tag Team titles to The End in a ladder match with Kilroy and Sheik, Dutch Express, and Team Fairtex. At Palm Springs Punishment 2023, he lost a stairway to heaven match against The Sheik. At Palm Springs Punishment 2022, he lost in the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament finals to Syberus. At our first show back in May 2022, he defeated Andrew Karnage in the first round, right here in this city. I’m sure he thinks this town, at our biggest show of the year, would be the perfect place for him to win his first singles title.
Greg Jin: "The following is a Steel Cage Match, scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tell you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Second Generation Jackpot, Always Very Blessed, ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The audience boos as AVB welcomes their hatred. Hasbulla blows his whistle outside the cage
The lights in The Acrisure dim and "Infinite" by Tyler Smyth and Andy Bane plays. The Palm Springs fans cheer as the lyrics begin appearing on the screen
I'm the tallest of mountains!!
I am the roughest of waves!!
I'm the toughest of terrors!!
I am the darkest of days!!
I'm the last one that's standing!!
Don't try to stand in my way!!
Cause I've been up against better!!
Just take a look at my face!!
Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of Joe Nobody's face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie and the Hardkore California Championship belt around his waist. The fans let out a loud pop, and Nobody begins making his way to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore California Champion Joe Nobody isn’t falling for AVB’s psychological war.
Phillip Blauer: I’m sure he’s got nothing to worry about, when was the last time a wife introduced into the business as a way to humanize her husband, ran off with another wrestler?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, Joe Nobody says the cage they’ll be competing in tonight is mostly to protect you from him.
Phillip Blauer: (pulls on his collar) Look, I am just a three time Desert News Hawk winner trying to get the story.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What story?
Phillip Blauer: “What Would It Be Like If I Bought All The Titles?” I smell a Pulitzer! If he lays one whiskey cured finger on me, I will scream so high pitched, it will attract bats from Carlsbad.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps and stops before turning around to give a teenage girl in a Coachella Valley Firebirds jersey his signature fedora. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of her shouting that Joe Nobody is number one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Joe Nobody was here in Palm Springs was in October when he defeated Florida Man to win the Hardkore California Championship. Nobody wants to take out all the members of Philthy Rich, starting with AVB here tonight.
Phillip Blauer: What is his problem with the Philthy Rich?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You paid Alexander Von Blankenship to attack him, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, right. Well, lookee here Jim Nothing.
Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a close up of Phil
Phillip Blauer: You think I’m jealous of your home life? Do you have rocks in your head? I have generational wealth now! I eat at the finest establishments from my youth, like Lester’s Turtle House or The Beef Wellington Factory. Money makes you well liked. Worthington?
Phil’s butler Worthington steps forward
Worthington: Yes, sir?
Phillip Blauer: You like me, right?
Worthington: Like you?
Phillip Blauer: See? That’s a yes in England. Do I have anyone to go to bed with at night? No. Do I sometimes walk around my estate in a bathrobe, calling out for other people? Sure. Do I sleep on the kitchen floor like a dog hoping that one of the help staff will trip over me and I’ll have someone to talk to? Obviously! Wait, I forgot my point.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You’re well liked.
Phillip Blauer: Damn right I am!
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. We’ve never seen Joe Nobody this fired up, we’ll see it translates to success in the ring!
Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!!!”
The Palm Springs crowd gives Nobody a huge ovation
Hardkore California Championship
Steel Cage Match
Joe Nobody vs. Alexander Von Blankenship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Kelly O’Connell locks the cage door. Joe Nobody walks up to a smug Alexander Von Blankenship and starts telling him exactly what he thought about the comments about his wife
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB now face to face with the man he’s been tormenting since January.
Phillip Blauer: And he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned!
Nobody finishes what he has to say, and Von Blankenship spits in his face. The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is just disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: That’s his wear down move.
Nobody slowly wipes the spit off his cheek, and then cold cocks AVB! The crowd erupts as Von Blankenship back pedals into the corner, begging off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody not in the mood for any mercy here! He arm drags Von Blankenship across the ring!
AVB gets up and runs right back into another arm drag from Joe Nobody. Von Blankenship tries kicking him but Joe catches his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody dragon screw leg whips him to the mat. AVB gets to his knees, but Joe tags him in the side of the head with a shining wizard!
The audience lets out another “OH!” and Alexander Von Blankenship goes down like a redwood. A seething Joe Nobody yells at AVB to get up, but Blankenship tries to plead his case
Phillip Blauer: Maybe that was one wife joke too many?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls AVB up by two handfuls of hair back to his feet…but Von Blankenship kicks him between the legs!
Phillip Blauer: No, my mistake.
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos as Joe Nobody’s legs cross and he falls to the mat on his stomach. AVB swivels his hips at Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship scoops him up and drops him on his knee with a shoulderbreaker. He pulls him up to his feet, and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots!
Von Blankenship pulls Nobody up and then lands a stiff kick to the side of his knee. He cracks Nobody with a second one that hobbles him a little
Phillip Blauer: The great part about those is he doesn’t even do any submissions where he would need to wear the knee down. He’s just a dick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB grabs him by the ankle and gives Nobody a dragon screw of his own,
Phillip Blauer: A little receipt!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship scoops him up again and hits a backbreaker.
Joe Nobody arches his back in pain while the fans boo. The crowd starts chanting “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” AVB sneers at them pulls Nobody up to his feet in a front facelock
Phillip Blauer: This boy’s father was a legend. The disrespect in this town. This is the Blur situation all over again.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship goes for a swinging neckbreaker, but Joe Nobody stops during the twirl and drops down into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
The audience comes to life! Nobody uses their passion to get back to his feet and psyche himself up. He grabs Von Blankenship and pulls him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody tosses Von Blankenship over the ropes into the cage!!
The crowd erupts in cheers, Nobody steps through the ropes and pulls AVB up and ties their legs up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody russian leg sweeps the back of Von Blankenship’s head into the cage!
A bleeding AVB clutches the back of his head as Nobody steps through the ropes into the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest as Joe runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody comes back and dropkicks AVB back into the steel cage!
Alexander Von Blankenship slumps against the cage, and then rolls under the ropes back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody pulls him up by the hair, but AVB pokes him in the eye! He grabs Nobody by the hair and bashes his face into the steel cage!!
Phillip Blauer: Now Nobody’s bleeding, I mean, they’re both bleeding!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship rakes Nobody’s face back and forth across the steel mesh!
AVB stomps on Nobody’s foot, causing him to hop on the other foot for a minute. Von Blankenship sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB drops Joe Nobody’s feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship gets on top of Joe Nobody and starts bludgeoning him with punches, trying to open up that cut over Nobody’s eye wider!
The Acrisure Arena boos. Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up by the hair, and then fireman’s carries him onto his shoulders. He walks over to the corner and sits him on the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship slaps Joe Nobody across the face!
The audience boos loudly and AVB laughs. Hasbulla blows his whistle on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Joe Nobody jumps off the second turnbuckle and catches him with a tornado DDT!
The Palm Springs crowd pops at the impact bouncing a bloody AVB back up to his knees, and then down on his face. Joe Nobody feeds off their energy and pulls Von Blankenship up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody full nelson suplexes Alexander Von Blankenship onto the back of his head!
As blood trickles down his face, AVB does a time out gesture to a shrugging Tommy Milligan
Phillip Blauer: The man needs a time out, Thomas!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That is entirely up to the man whose wife he insulted, and I don’t think Joe Nobody is feeling very charitable to him right now.
Joe Nobody wipes the blood out of his eyes, and pulls Alexander Von Blankenship to his feet. He irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody goes for a flying body press, but Alexander Von Blankenship catches him! He tosses Joe across with the ring with a fallaway slam!
Phillip Blauer: Aha! A throwback to one of his father’s Rat Bastard’s favorite maneuvers!
The fans boo Alexander Von Blankenship as he kips up and offers them a little bow. Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle outside the cage. AVB pulls him up by the hair and hits Nobody in the chest with a blistering chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship whacks him with another stinging chop, backing him into the ropes. He irish whips Nobody into the ropes and catches him with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB scoops Joe Nobody up and tries to run his head into the cage, but Nobody slips off his shoulder! Joe superkicks him upside the head!
A blindsided Alexander Von Blankenship collapses to the mat. Joe Nobody pulls him up into a rear waistlock. He german suplexes AVB on the back of his head, and then rolls him up into a wheelbarrow facebuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Victory Buster!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Joe Nobody pulls Alexander Von Blankenship up by his blood soaked hair and irish whips him into the ropes. He takes him out with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement! He climbs to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a missile dropkick, but Von Blankenship avoids it!
The air goes out of The Acrisure Arena. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies his arms and lifts him up and onto his face with an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification! Joe Nobody staggers up to his feet, but AVB catches him under the chin with an Ordained superkick!
Alexander Von Blankenship pulls Nobody’s head into his legs, flips him up onto his shoulder, and then drives him headfirst into the mat with a barry white driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Desecration!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship irish whips him into the ropes and dips down for a backdrop, but Joe Nobody floats over into a Status Symbol DDT!
The crowd erupts with cheers as both men lie there exhausted and bleeding. Hasbulla blows his whistle in distress on the floor. Joe Nobody pulls himself up by the ropes as the crowd chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” He pulls AVB up into a fisherman’s buster, and turns it into an orange crush bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship claps his legs together on Nobody’s head
Joe Nobody climbs up to the top turnbuckle but Hasbulla hands AVB something through the cage
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! What did Hasbulla give AVB just now?
Phillip Blauer: Motivation. The can-do spirit. A sock of some sort?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That sock is loaded with something!
Nobody wipes some of the blood out of his eyes on the top turnbuckle while Alexander Von Blankenship plays possum and staggers towards the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship just whacked Nobody in the head with whatever is in that sock, and Joe goes limp on the top turnbuckle!!
The Acrisure Arena rocks with boos. AVB grabs him by the arms and flips him forward into a black out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Black Out Drunk or B.O.D.!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: We have a new champion!
“Blessed Up” by Wande plays and the audience jeers and heckles the bloody AVB. Hasbulla grabs the Hardkore California Championship belt and enters the cage
Greg Jin: "At 16 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody had knocked AVB goofy and then Hasbulla handed him a…
Phillip Blauer: A sock! What’s the big deal? The little guy was probably terrified from all these yelling cretins and handed him something as a present.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, again, he’s not a child, he’s just small.
Alexander Von Blankenship climbs onto the ropes and uses the cage to stand on the top rope, holding his Hardkore California Championship over his head. The audience boos and throws trash at the cage. Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr. takes a shot of a combination lock on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: A lock! That’s what was in that sock! He blackjacked him with that lock and could have cracked Joe Nobody’s skull!
Phillip Blauer: Poppycock! Someone threw that in here with all the other hot dog wrappers and various bric a brac they’re throwing in right now. You’re burying the lead as usual, focusing on the trash thrown in the ring, look past that and see the new Hardkore California Champion, Alexander Von Blankenship!
AVB hops down from the ropes and yells “Always Very Blessed!” into the Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr.’s camera
Phillip Blauer: Hi. I’m the beloved Phillip Blauer.
Phil pauses for non existent applause
Phillip Blauer: Thank you. After marrying my beloved Dorothy, elderly care became a big priority in my life. And let me tell you something, compadre, It is a horror show. Nothing a loved one should be seeing. But most of all, nothing I should be seeing.
Phillip Blauer: So I decided to take billions of dollars Dorothy made in the raunchy cocktail napkin business and started a chain of assisted living communities. But you may be saying to yourself, “Phillip, are you off your rocker? I don’t need to hear about amazing deals on assisted living community long term housing! I’m Generation X. I was at Woodstock 94! The mud one, not the everything on fire one.” Well hold on to your nipple rings, Trevor, because I have some news for you!
Shady Sunsets
Phillip Blauer: Shady Sunsets is a facility where you can live out your golden years with other people of Generation X. A healthy and active senior community, we have group activities like:
Hacky Sack
Mario Kart
Dungeons and Dragons
And DJ lessons from the some of the top senior DJs in the area. Guys like Thee-O, Alice DeeJay, and Ron D Core. Yes! They’re still alive! So come on down and see if Shady Sunsets is where you would like to come to die…live, live. I meant live.
Soothing music plays out as the Shady Sunsets graphic returns
Shady Sunsets
Fade up on Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. finishing up taking the cage down with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe you should update that ad now that Dorothy has died.
Phillip Blauer: If they wanna pay me to, sure.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Isn’t it your company?
Phillip Blauer: Yes, and I’m pretty tight with a dollar…
Phil smashes a bug on the desk with a $100. He then crumples it up and throws it away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Hardkore Women’s Championship between Black Tiger and newcomer Lady Liberty in a match to see who will lead the women’s division.
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, there she is! You know, I’m a little embarrassed to say that I’ve needed rescuing quite a few times from this little lady. I recently backed by Tesla Cyber Truck into a lake, and couldn’t get the windows down. Lady Liberty came and pulled the Cybertruck out of the water and saved my bacon. Then 10 minutes later did the same thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How did you get it in the lake a second time?
Phillip Blauer: I thought I had left my wallet in there, but wouldn’t you know it? It was in the darn console the whole time. Now, the third time I back it into the lake…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty has had her challenges trying to reign in Captain Righteous’ worst instincts, but tonight, this is her first big match here on the West Coast. She’s got to be feeling some butterflies heading into this big event.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty told Captain Righteous that she doesn’t want any interference on his part and wants to try and win this match fair and square, which is quite honorable compared to the disgusting display we saw from him earlier tonight in his match against “The Punisher” Dan Stein.
Phillip Blauer: I know what she said…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you?
Phillip Blauer: No, it’s the first time I’m hearing it. Nonetheless, who could resist having the star power of the undefeated Captain Righteous making his presence known during her little old match?
Finally Lady Liberty lands half way down the ramp where he walks confidently towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty was incredulous when Black Tiger accused them of being time travelers, maintaining that she is royalty.
Phillip Blauer: You would think the champ would do her research. A simple Ask Jeeves inter web search would tell you she’s a space princess. You don’t have to be a three time Desert News Hawk Award Winner to know that. But it helps.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero body suit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Lady Liberty thinks Black Tiger has disrespected her and demands satisfaction. I expect a clean match up here between these two excellent athletes.
Phillip Blauer: She keeps it on the straight and narrow. Except when she’s stealing The Peacemaker. And when she kidnapped Domino. But to her credit, when she flew me over the lake she rescued me out of, she wouldn’t use her X-ray vision to tell me which ladies below weren’t wearing bras.
Greg Jin: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor plays and silhouettes of roaring and tigers striking and the eyes of a tiger are seen on the tron as Black Tiger walks out with the Hardkore Women’s Championship strapped around her waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: 18 years after her father Dragon Belt wrestled on this same event in a royal rumble for the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2006, Black Tiger defends her Hardkore Women’s Championship against Lady Liberty!
After soaking in the loud cheers, Black Tiger stalks slowly to ringside, all business like
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger gives Lady Liberty credit for putting up with someone as bullheaded as Captain Righteous, but that’s where her empathy ends. She gave Lady Liberty a history lesson on Hardkore greats like Yuku Shiro, Kasper van Zant and “The Ninth Baroness" Sinclair Godfrey.
Black Tiger enters the ring and goes to her corner. She folds her arms glaring up at Lady Liberty with the Hardkore Women’s Championship around her waist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Out of respect for Lady Liberty’s power, she has been training with her brother Little Dragon for this match because she knows Liberty is hard at work in the gym as well. She saw that Lady Liberty was offended by some of her comments, and apologized for them…
Phillip Blauer: As well she should have. Frankly, I was stunned by them.
Yolanda Ando: Black Tiger wears a full bodied black catsuit with dark tiger stripes. She has black wrestling boots on with black tiger claws, black MMA fighting gloves with black tiger claws and a black tiger's mask that covers her entire face and head except for her long dark hair that flows freely from the back of her mask.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Black Tiger admits that she’s never wrestled someone with the power of Lady Liberty but has worked with Little Dragon with some ways around that. She promises and epic match between these two excellent wrestlers.
Greg Jin: “Her opponent. From Somewhere in Chinatown; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 175 pounds; The Daughter of Dragons; She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…BLACK TIGER!!!”
The audience cheers but Black Tiger stands still, as if to strike like a ferocious hungry tiger
Hardkore Women’s Championship
Black Tiger vs. Lady Liberty
Tiger is not breathing, standing still like a statue, then offers her hand at the beginning of the match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger looking to start off the match with some sportsmanship. Lady Liberty obliges with a handshake.
“Bill Blauer”: Sorry I’m late.
Phillip Blauer: Who is this?
“Bill Blauer”: It’s me, Bill. Your twin brother.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger and Lady Liberty lock up in a collar and elbow tie up.
Phillip Blauer: But, but, but you're supposed to be in prison? For the murder of my wife.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger grabs a side headlock.
“Bill Blauer”: Um, you’re allowed out of jail on weekends now.
Phillip Blauer: Why?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger grinds that headlock on Lady Liberty.
“Bill Blauer”: They don’t have anyone to watch us because of budget cuts.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I think I read that somewhere. But you don’t even look like Bill. And you have a beard. And your hair is slipping off the side of your head.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, aggravated) He looks like Bill to me, Phil. Would you let him sit down, I’m trying to call this match.
Phillip Blauer: Fine.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty pushes Black Tiger off into the ropes, but Tiger comes back with a dropkick but Liberty just stands there!
The audience buzzes with surprise as a confused Black Tiger wipes her mouth and gets back to her feet. Bill Blauer puts on his headset and sits next to Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger peppers Lady Liberty’s legs with kung fu kicks, but Liberty keeps coming forward. Tiger hits her with a chop to the chest, Another one backs Liberty up a step.
Lady Liberty answers with a european uppercut. Black Tiger responds with a kung fu punch to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty with another european uppercut, but Black Tiger doesn’t back down with a second kung fu punch.
Tiger grabs her in a muay thai clinch and rams a few knees into her face. But Lady Liberty breaks out of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty floors Black Tiger with a step up knee!
Phillip Blauer: So what is prison like?
“Bill Blauer”: Well at first it was scary, but my cellmate wound up being an old country singer in there for bank robbery. He taught me a few chords and convinced me to do a TV show they had for inmates, and I was a big hit.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the plot of Jailhouse Rock.
“Bill Blauer”: Oh. Well, that happened to me too.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty applies an armbar. She sticks her knee in the ball of Black Tiger’s shoulder and clamps down on that arm.
Liberty leans back, trying to pull the arm out as far as it will go. Black Tiger works her way to her feet with Lady Liberty hanging onto her arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger headbutts her in the face. Another Funk headbutt with the top of her head into Liberty’s face gets her out of the armbar.
Black Tiger grabs Lady Liberty’s arm and pulls it down over her shoulder a few times
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger flips Lady Liberty over her shoulder with an ipponzei shoulder throw!
Lady Liberty charges her but Black Tiger catches her with a Mexican arm drag. Liberty gets up and goes in again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger applies an armbar of her own. She wrenches back on her arm trying to pull her arm out its socket. This is event is where Black Tiger’s father Dragon Belt wrestled in a royal rumble for the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2006.
Phillip Blauer: (to Bill) At least you’re able to work out in there, though it looks like you gained a considerable amount of weight.
“Bill Blauer”: Um, thanks. Yeah, we started a football team in there, and eventually we got to play the guards in a no holds barred game that the warden heavily bet on. After the game, I walked away and the warden demanded I be shot in the back. The guard refused, and it turned out I was just picking up the game ball.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m fairly certain that was The Longest Yard.
“Bill Blauer”: It’s a pretty common occurrence inside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ah. I see. Lady Liberty now on her feet, and Black Tiger smashes her in the arm with a few forearms. She flips her in a Mexican arm drag.
Black Tiger wraps Lady Liberty’s arm around the top rope and pulls on her wrist. Richie Richardson warns her to get off the ropes, and begins the five count
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger begins beating Lady Liberty with fists and kicks in the ropes. She goes for a suplex, but Liberty blocks it with her calf. She plants her feet and counters with a vertical suplex!
Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up by the mask, and irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty hits her with a dropkick! She applies an arm trap crossface. She locks her hands under the chin of Black Tiger and pulls up on her head and arm.
The Palm Springs audience boos. Richie Richardson checks in to see if she wants to give up, but Black Tiger shakes her head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty wearing down that arm, but Black TIger slips out of it and does a rear waistlock takedown, and then she applies a fujiwara armbar!
The crowd cheers as Black Tiger grinds that shoulder into the mat, while pulling up on her whammybarred arm. Lady Liberty grimaces in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty uses that powerful upper body strength to pull herself with one arm, and grabs the rope. Bill, do you want to add anything here?
“Bill Blauer”: She certainly has that rope. Yep, all five fingers around it. The fans at home can count them if they like.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not necessary. Black Tiger releases the fujiwara armbar and pulls her head into her legs for a piledriver, but Lady Liberty blocks it. She backdrops Black Tiger over the ropes, but Tiger hangs on and applies a tarantula on the ropes!
The Acrisure Arena pops for that long lost move as Liberty cries out in pain. Black Tiger pulls back on Liberty’s arms and legs, using the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson gives her five count, and then Black Tiger finally releases the tarantula. Liberty drops, and Tiger re-enters the ring and applies a reverse chinlock.
Black Tiger is on one knee, gripping her hands together to pull up on the chinlock, wearing Lady Liberty down
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, I thought you were supposed to get the chair for killing Dorothy.
“Bill Blauer”: Oh, I was…I mean I did. Yeah, but then when they flipped the switch it gave me powers. I was able to shoot electricity out of my fingers, and it allowed me to escape from prison. But I went back, because I was just foolin with them.
Phillip Blauer: Wait a second, I’d know that plot anywhere. That’s Ernest Goes To Jail!
“Bill Blauer” takes off his wig to reveal himself as Kilroy Evans
Phillip Blauer: He’s here! He’s here! (to Guillermo) Don’t just sit there, you dolt! Save me!
Guillermo O’Bannon: (ignores them) Black Tiger really has that reverse chinlock cinched in there.
Phillip Blauer: (looks at the camera) Mommy?
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team swarm towards Kilroy, but not before he clocks Phil with a par of brass knuckles, knocking him out
Kilroy Evans: (getting dragged off by security) Sorry to have to trick you like this Guillermo.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I knew it was you the entire time.
Kilroy nods as security drags him to the back while Phil is completely unconscious in the seat next to Guillermo
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well fans, looks like we’ll have to do the best we can without Phil’s insightful analysis. Inside the ring, Lady Liberty is back to her feet with Black Tiger hanging on to that reverse chinlock.
Liberty rams an elbow into Black Tiger’s stomach. A second one frees her from the reverse chinlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty grabs her arms and drops her on the back of her head with a backslide driver!
The audience boos. Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up into a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty sticks a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Lady Liberty pulls Black Tiger up by the mask and irish whips her into the ropes. She hits her a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crown of Cassiopeia! She gets a running start and flips into a standing corkscrew Beta Librae splash!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Black Tiger kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty shoots Black Tiger into the ropes and goes for a huracanrana, but it gets reversed into a vicious Black Tiger Bomb!!
The crowd roars. Lady Liberty stumbles up to her feet and gets tattooed by a superman punch by Black Tiger
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Strike!
Phillip Blauer: (snores)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, that’s not good. David, could we…?
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. nods and runs over to help Phil. Inside the ring, Black Tiger lifts Lady Liberty onto her shoulders and runs her into the middle of the ring with a death valley driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Black Tiger Driver!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
The crowd groans at Lady Liberty kicking out. Black Tiger lifts her up on her shoulders again, but this time in an airplane spin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty slips off of Black Tiger’s shoulders, grabs her by the arm, and pulls her in with a ripcord Ursa Minor bicycle knee kick!
The Acrisure Arena boos as Lady Liberty climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. She backflips into a double rotation moonsault
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Major!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The fans boo as “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson hands Lady Liberty to the Hardkore Women’s Championship
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty said she wanted to do it on her own, and she did, she is the new Hardkore Women’s…
Captain Righteous walks down to the ring applauding Lady Liberty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, that was nice while it lasted.
Captain Righteous walks into the ring and “presents” Lady Liberty who seems embarrassed by the gesture
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, Lady Liberty is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion!
Phillip Blauer: (coming to) Since when?
Guillermo O’Bannon: While you were sleeping.
Phillip Blauer: Oh. (groggy) Where’s Bill?
Guillermo O’Bannon: You just missed him.
Phillip Blauer: Ah. Pity.
