Post by Rage and Cage on May 23, 2024 14:36:20 GMT -5
“Woke” Wesley Rage stomps into his suite at Turning Stone casino. He’s followed by Nicholas H. Cage, who is carrying the Commonwealth Title.
Rage: AGAIN?! THEY PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN?!
Rage pulls a pillow from the couch to his face and screams before tossing it aside.
Rage: We win the tag titles and don’t even get one show to catch our breath. We get forced into a rematch against Epcot Mafia and lose! I beat Sinclair, then immediately have to defend against Slam 3? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
Cage adjusts the belt on his shoulder and takes a seat on the couch. He hits his weed vape pen and shakes his head.
Cage: Damn conspiracy, bro.
Rage: A capitalist conspiracy! They can’t stand seeing a revolutionary get ahead, so they’re using every dirty trick to take this belt from the revolution!
Cage: We can’t get ahead for nothing!
Rage: I hear that! Who even is Slam 3? Why do we have multiple David Slams? Who saw the original David Slam and though adding 2 more was a good idea? You don’t see anyone having my kids!
Cage: I think the Slams are clones.
Rage: Why would his clones be David Slam Jr. and David Slam 3?
Cage: How would you name your clones?
Rage: I’d let them name themselves.
Cage: But how would you know they’re clones?
Rage: Because I made them.
Cage: But how would you know that?
Rage: That’s some good shit, huh?
Cage: But how would I know that?
Rage: You’re no help. I need to think about Slam 3. Does he even work here? Let me check.
Rage pulls out his phone and goes to WUK.com.
Rage: He has a fucking mullet?! I’m facing a mullet man.
Cage: Dude, if they have the match underwater, you’re fucked. Mullet Man has those gills and shit, but how can you pin someone underwater? They just float. Do we all float? Am I floating now?
Cage clutches the arm of the couch as he tries to piece it together.
Cage: Am I underwater? I’m not wet, but do people underwater know they’re wet? Do fish know they’re wet?
Rage: Who cares? Unless you want to drown Slam 3, that doesn’t help me!
Cage: You can’t drown a fish!
Rage: HE’S NOT A FISH!
Cage: You believe that? It’s just a media lie!
Rage: It doesn’t matter! I need to keep our title! I don’t care if I'm fighting Slam Sr., Slam Jr., Slam 3, or Large Richard Slam.
Cage: Are they all fish?
Rage: None of them are fish!
Cage: But they’re Slams?
Rage: Yes!
Cage: Okay, I can work with that, but I still don’t know why Slam 3 is Slam 3. I’d get it if he was a clone or a fish, but not any other way.
Rage: Why would you understand him being Slam 3 if he was a fish?
Cage: Because!
Rage: It’s simple. There was Slam Sr.
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Then there was Slam Jr.
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Now there’s Slam 3.
Cage: Ye…No. That doesn’t make sense. How does a Jr. have a 3?
Rage: David Slam 3 is the third David Slam. That’s how you know he’s the third generation.
Cage: No, he should be David Slam Jr. the Second.
Rage: Is this the weed or just your normal stupidity?
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Thanks for the help, Nic. I guess I’m on my own. 3 is pretty muscular, too. He’s going to be trouble. Not to mention that he has generational wealth and talent. It’s been rigged in his favor! He’s truly the beast that capitalism built!
Cage: What if we got Mr. Crane to pay him off? If he’s all about capitalism, then we can pay him to lose.
Rage: That…actually makes sense. Let’s see if Henderson can put us in contact with Slam 3!
Rage calls Henderson.
Rage: Hey, Henderson, can you reach out to Slam 3 and see how much he’d want to forfeit our match at Legacy? We think he’ll do it for a reasonable amount.
Henderson: And how much should I offer?
Rage: Whatever Crane thinks is fair.
Henderson: You think Mr. Crane is going to pay for this?
Rage: Why wouldn’t he? I brought the Commonwealth Title to us!
Henderson: I’ll talk to him, but don’t hold your breath.
The call ends as Rage turns to Cage.
Rage: I guess we’ll wait and see.
Cage: There’s always Plan B.
Rage: Yeah, kick his ass. It’s not that I don’t want to. He’s a bootlicker for capitalism! I’d love to stomp a mudhole in him, but it’s the principal of the matter. I shouldn’t have to defend our title right after I just won it! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Cage: Nah! Just see if Mr. Crane will pay for a hook and worm. If we get that, we can beat Slam 3!
Rage: HE’S NOT A FISH!
Rage: AGAIN?! THEY PULL THIS SHIT AGAIN?!
Rage pulls a pillow from the couch to his face and screams before tossing it aside.
Rage: We win the tag titles and don’t even get one show to catch our breath. We get forced into a rematch against Epcot Mafia and lose! I beat Sinclair, then immediately have to defend against Slam 3? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!
Cage adjusts the belt on his shoulder and takes a seat on the couch. He hits his weed vape pen and shakes his head.
Cage: Damn conspiracy, bro.
Rage: A capitalist conspiracy! They can’t stand seeing a revolutionary get ahead, so they’re using every dirty trick to take this belt from the revolution!
Cage: We can’t get ahead for nothing!
Rage: I hear that! Who even is Slam 3? Why do we have multiple David Slams? Who saw the original David Slam and though adding 2 more was a good idea? You don’t see anyone having my kids!
Cage: I think the Slams are clones.
Rage: Why would his clones be David Slam Jr. and David Slam 3?
Cage: How would you name your clones?
Rage: I’d let them name themselves.
Cage: But how would you know they’re clones?
Rage: Because I made them.
Cage: But how would you know that?
Rage: That’s some good shit, huh?
Cage: But how would I know that?
Rage: You’re no help. I need to think about Slam 3. Does he even work here? Let me check.
Rage pulls out his phone and goes to WUK.com.
Rage: He has a fucking mullet?! I’m facing a mullet man.
Cage: Dude, if they have the match underwater, you’re fucked. Mullet Man has those gills and shit, but how can you pin someone underwater? They just float. Do we all float? Am I floating now?
Cage clutches the arm of the couch as he tries to piece it together.
Cage: Am I underwater? I’m not wet, but do people underwater know they’re wet? Do fish know they’re wet?
Rage: Who cares? Unless you want to drown Slam 3, that doesn’t help me!
Cage: You can’t drown a fish!
Rage: HE’S NOT A FISH!
Cage: You believe that? It’s just a media lie!
Rage: It doesn’t matter! I need to keep our title! I don’t care if I'm fighting Slam Sr., Slam Jr., Slam 3, or Large Richard Slam.
Cage: Are they all fish?
Rage: None of them are fish!
Cage: But they’re Slams?
Rage: Yes!
Cage: Okay, I can work with that, but I still don’t know why Slam 3 is Slam 3. I’d get it if he was a clone or a fish, but not any other way.
Rage: Why would you understand him being Slam 3 if he was a fish?
Cage: Because!
Rage: It’s simple. There was Slam Sr.
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Then there was Slam Jr.
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Now there’s Slam 3.
Cage: Ye…No. That doesn’t make sense. How does a Jr. have a 3?
Rage: David Slam 3 is the third David Slam. That’s how you know he’s the third generation.
Cage: No, he should be David Slam Jr. the Second.
Rage: Is this the weed or just your normal stupidity?
Cage: Yeah
Rage: Thanks for the help, Nic. I guess I’m on my own. 3 is pretty muscular, too. He’s going to be trouble. Not to mention that he has generational wealth and talent. It’s been rigged in his favor! He’s truly the beast that capitalism built!
Cage: What if we got Mr. Crane to pay him off? If he’s all about capitalism, then we can pay him to lose.
Rage: That…actually makes sense. Let’s see if Henderson can put us in contact with Slam 3!
Rage calls Henderson.
Rage: Hey, Henderson, can you reach out to Slam 3 and see how much he’d want to forfeit our match at Legacy? We think he’ll do it for a reasonable amount.
Henderson: And how much should I offer?
Rage: Whatever Crane thinks is fair.
Henderson: You think Mr. Crane is going to pay for this?
Rage: Why wouldn’t he? I brought the Commonwealth Title to us!
Henderson: I’ll talk to him, but don’t hold your breath.
The call ends as Rage turns to Cage.
Rage: I guess we’ll wait and see.
Cage: There’s always Plan B.
Rage: Yeah, kick his ass. It’s not that I don’t want to. He’s a bootlicker for capitalism! I’d love to stomp a mudhole in him, but it’s the principal of the matter. I shouldn’t have to defend our title right after I just won it! IT’S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Cage: Nah! Just see if Mr. Crane will pay for a hook and worm. If we get that, we can beat Slam 3!
Rage: HE’S NOT A FISH!