Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jun 4, 2024 21:02:17 GMT -5
Fade up on a rowdy crowd at the Rio Rancho Events Center holding up signs that say “Philthy Bitch” while one fan waves a UK flag. Other fans hold up signs that say “Kilroy Looks Good In Stripes”, “I Heart Mickie”, “Rat Boy”, “Free Domino”, “Cruise Dudes”, “AK-47”, Jordan’s Fighting The Law And Law’s Gonna Win”, “TUX SUX”, “Fury Fans”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, “Lady Liberty Diberty”, “Tony Bologna”, “Captain Self-Righteous”, “My Boy Kilroy”, a 35 year old looking tattered sign that says “John ‘Catman’ Wilder, and “AVB’s Gonna Get Run Over By Syrus The Steam Whistle”. Fade out to Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone, and welcome to New Mexico!
Phillip Blauer: The newest Mexico in town!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Phil’s awful stable, The Philthy Rich may just be imploding as Marty Donovan receives a title shot against Florida Man!
Phillip Blauer: Stable mates wrestling one another is the latest fad. Like the pogo ball, and polygamy. We’re just keeping up with the times.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You have got to be the worst faction leader in history.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I’m sure there’s a worse one. Check the midget leagues. There was probably a Lil WO, or the Four Ponies.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a falls count anywhere match for the Hardkore West Coast Championship, a Hardkore World Tag Team title match, the Hardkore Women’s Championship will be decided tonight, and we have “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan and Roscoe Law in a steel cage! A packed card to be sure, so let’s get it started!
“C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays and the fans cheer. Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder comes out to a huge ovation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, to follow in his father’s footsteps, Syus Wilder!
Phillip Blauer: I’m a bit muddled…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not surprising.
Phillip Blauer: …if he’s following in his father’s footsteps, why is he dressed as a man who drives a choo choo?
Guillermo O’Bannon: A train?
Phillip Blauer: That’s the one.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Phil. He idolized his father John “Catman” Wilder, our first Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and his uncle “Macho” Joey Wilder. I’m sure like a lot of fathers in this business, John probably urged his son to follow his own dreams.
Phillip Blauer: That’s stupid. With a last name like that, he could show up at any indy show he wanted and cash in for an easy night.
Syrus Wilder slaps some fans hands in the aisle on the way to the ring, He points to the old weathered sign a fan saved with his father’s name on it, and the ones that say “Ain’t Very Bright” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, and “AVB’s Gonna Get Run Over By Syrus The Steam Whistle”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, Syrus didn’t do anything the easy way. He went to Purdue for engineering. However, he never adjusted to the academics and was forced to drop out.
Phillip Blauer: A failed Boilermaker?! In Hardkore World?! What will people think?
Wilder goes all along ringside, shaking hands and high fiving people in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: He began working on the railroad…
Phillip Blauer: All the live long day?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mmhmm. He paid his dues, ultimately finding his way into the underground railroad wrestling scene, where he dominated.
Phillip Blauer: That sounds like a territory we would run. Hardkore Rail Fighting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder comes to the West Coast looking to uphold his family’s honor on his own terms. Syrus says no matter what his father and uncle accomplished, he’s going to have to earn everything himself. He wants to bring respectability back to Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: Pft, good luck.
Syrus Wilder steps through the ropes and raises his arms to the cheering Albuquerque crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw in Palm Springs, Syrus was at his father’s lifetime achievement award ceremony, when Alexander Von Blankenship rudely interrupted…
Phillip Blauer: That’s kind of his thing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, I see where he gets it. He spit on John “Catman” Wilder and slapped Syrus before slithering away.
Phillip Blauer: It was the perfect plan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Coachella, Wilder had his debut match against “The Rink Rat” Joseph Hart but after his win, AVB came down to the ring to taunt him, but his father and uncle stopped him from going after him, but now AVB has the 320 pound son looking to settle the score.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s greener than goose poop. Well, if this doesn’t work out, he has a bright future pulling trains.
Greg Jin: “Hello ladies and gentleman, and welcome to the Rio Rancho Events Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and tonight’s card of Hardkore action!”
The audience pops as Syrus Wilder continues to pump them up
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, he Hails From The Rails; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 325 pounds…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
The Albuquerque fans cheer as he raises his arms
“Sexy And I Know It” by LMFAO plays and the Rio Rancho Events Center cheers as “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse dances down the aisle with Mary Yellowbird
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Atlanta back in 1994, Joey Little Horse’s uncle Baby Boy and Syrus’ father John “Catman” Wilder wrestled in an iron man match that Wilder won. Now 30 years later, their next generation cross paths again.
Phillip Blauer: Why in 1994 I was a doe eyed young news hawk, supple and firm. I’d get home from a grueling day of being the best reporter in Palm Springs to watch an episode of Wings, and relax with a Zima.
Joey Little Horse does a war dance at ringside for the Native American fans in the front row and then gets on the top of the ring steps, doing a sexy dance to the wooing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse watched that tape of that iron match many times. He says he’s not the one Wilder should be facing in one of his first matches, because he’s no rookie. He says he’s going to teach the young man some respect, tomahawk chop after tomahawk chop.
Yolanda Ando: Joey Little Horse wears a small yellow loin cloth yellow over shorts with Native American gear.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Mary Yellowbird; From Charlotte, North Carolina, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 260 pounds…’EL EXOTICO’ JOEY LITTLE HORSE!!!”
The Albuquerque audience pops for Little Horse
“El Exotico” Joey Little Horse vs. Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder
Joey Little Horse and Wilder lock up in a collar and elbow tie up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both men jockeying for position. The more powerful Wilder backs Little Horse into the corner.
Referee Kelly O’Connell calls for a clean break. Both men break and then Wilder backs up cautiously. The audience applauds the show of sportsmanship
Phillip Blauer: I think I’m going to be sick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jeez, Phil. It’s just good sportsmanship.
Phillip Blauer: No, I had 5 fry bread tacos from the Indian stand outside the arena.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Why did you have five?
Phillip Blauer: The guy said it would make us even for Wounded Knee! I did it for America!
Guillermo O’Bannon: They lock up again, and this time Joey Little Horse grabs a front facelock. The veteran locks his hands together and leans back, cutting off Wilder’s air. Little Horse defeated former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Andrew Karnage last month at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 and Sweet Bone Daddy in Coachella, so he is on a bit of a win streak.
Syrus Wilder tries to slip his head out, but Joey Little Horse holds on firmly, shaking his head, telling the audience that Wilder isn’t going anywhere
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder plants his feet and backdrops his way out of the front facelock! Little Horse gets up and runs right into a hip toss across the ring!
Joey Little Horse rolls out of the ring to slow things down, going over to Mary Yellowbird for some counsel
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus wants to lock up again, but veteran Joey Little Horse isn’t taking the bait. He slowly re-enters the ring, and cautiously goes to lock up. Only he fakes him and gets on his back with a reverse chinlock!
Wilder stumbles around with Joey Little Horse on his back, trying to wear him down with a reverse chinlock
Phillip Blauer: Little Horse holding onto him piggyback style.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder backs up and squishes Little Horse in the corner. He scoops him up and bodyslams him onto the mat.
Syrus Wilder pulls Joey Little Horse up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder knocks him down with a shoulder block. He pulls him up into a full nelson.
Wilder locks his fingers together and pushes down on the back of Little Horse’s neck. He thrashes him from side to side, to keep him from getting his balance
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse back pedals until he rams Wilder’s back into the turnbuckles, escaping the full nelson. He irish whips him into the other corner and follows him in a step behind with a clothesline.
Wilder’s neck snaps back from the impact. Joey Little Horse backs up into the other corner then comes charging forward
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse knees Syrus Wilder in the stomach. He grabs a chicken wing on Syrus’ arm.
Joey Little Horse pulls up on his wrist, trying to hyperextend Wilder’s hammerlocked arm. Kelly O’Connell checks in, but Syrus shakes his head, refusing to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder reaches back and tags Little Horse in the face wth a back elbow with his free arm. A second elbow frees him from the chicken wing. He headbutts Little Horse between the eyes.
Little Horse falls back into the ropes, and Syrus Wilder hits him with a chop to the chest. Joey Little Horse answers with a tomahawk chop to Wilder’s pectorals
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder hits another hard knife edge chop to Little Horse!
Phillip Blauer: Joey Little Horse with a tomahawk chop to Syrus’ coveralled chest!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Horse with another tomahawk, and another, and another, and Syrus Wilder beginning to wilt.
Phillip Blauer: Don’t try to chop a chopper.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse cracks Wilder with a right hook, and another that stuns the big man.
Mary Yellowbird applauds on the outside. Joey Little Horse irish whips Syrus Wilder into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder comes back with a clothesline!
The Albuquerque fans pop as Syrus Wilder motions for Joey Little Horse to get up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joey Little Horse walks right into a back kick by Syrus Wilder!
Phillip Blauer: Probably used that on the hobos in the box car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder climbs up to the top turnbuckle, and comes crashing down with a flying leg drop!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joey Little Horse kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder pulls him up, and hits an uppercut that stands Little Horse up.
Joey Little Horse lights Wilder up with a flurry of palm strikes. He cracks Syrus in the side of the jaw with a forearm smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another forearm strike by Little Horse. He starts with some rapid fire punches, and then grabs a stomach claw.
Phillip Blauer: That’s a lot of stomach to claw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse squeezes those abdominal muscles.
Phillip Blauer: What abdominal muscles?!
Syrus Wilder grimaces in pain. Kelly O’Connell asks him if he wants to submit, but he tells her no. Wilder’s eyes bulge as he looks at Little Horse
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder applies an iron claw!
Phillip Blauer: We have dual claws!
The audience erupts in cheers. Wilder presses his fingers into Little Horse’s skull, forcing Joey to abandon the stomach claw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder forces Joey Little Horse down to one knee with that claw of his father’s that put so many people away in the late 80s and early 90s.
Syrus Wilder is in control now, pushing Joey Little Horse down onto the mat, while palming his forehead with the claw. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Joey Little Horse refuses to submit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder now using that giant hand of his to squash Little Horse’s head with the iron claw, and Joey Little Horse submits!
The bell rings and “C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays. Kelly O’Connell raises Syrus Wilder’s arm
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 45 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder gets his first big win here tonight in Albuquerque!
Wilder goes to the ringside area and starts slapping hands with the fans in the front row
Guillermo O’Bannon: He made his father and uncle proud here tonight, but you know who was watching this on the monitor in the back was Alexander Von Blankenship.
Phillip Blauer: I doubt AVB is even at the building yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Von Blankenship is on the tracks with a runaway train coming right at him.
Backstage.
The Epcot Mafia Wolfpac are..... walking.
Gazoo: You okay, Flo?
Florida Man: ....
Gazoo: Flo?
Florida Man: Why wouldn't I be okay? 'cause my best friend started a FLORIDA region, and didn't tell me about it? And made my dog champ? HOW MANY LAYERS OF LYING ARE THERE? ...Nah, Gaz, I'm just peachy.
Gazoo: Oh that's a relief.... I was worried you were planning to shoot that nail gun up Marty's urethra, then split the nail with another nail like in Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.
Florida Man: Whatever gave you that idea, Gaz?
Gazoo: You did - on the car ride over. You went through the entire plot of the film... but instead of Robin knocking Little John off the log, it was you shooting Marty in the crotch with a nail. Or the Sheriff stabbing Guy of Gisbourne? Nail to the crotch. Azeem rescuing Robin from prison? Five nails! ...there were about 214 unique incidents of genital violence in your reimagining of the Kevin Costner classic.
Body language suggesting the world champion is in an even worse mood, FML puts his nail gun down on the kraft service table.
Florida Man: Well now that you've ruined the surprise, I'll have to go to Plan B.
Gazoo: Water World with a mallet to the testicles?
Long pause.
Florida Man: Plan C, smart guy. Imma successfully retain my championship over that ingrate.
Gazoo: That's dicey.
Florida Man: How you figure?
Gazoo: Well... with Kilroy as the guest referee - he has WAY more history with Marty. So Kilroy is subconsciously more likely to cheat on your behalf. ...Only you've beat him twice RECENTLY. No way Kilroy is getting another shot at you unless its a weird four-way-dance, so it's in Evan's interest to get Marty the title. Also, Kilroy is inept, so even trying to cheat, he could still screw it up. Way I see it, when the NEW Epcot Mafia explodes? You have a fifty fifty chance at retaining...
Florida Man: Dang. Anyway to improve our scratch'n'win odds?
Gazoo: Yes. See most Philthy Rich title matches are decided by run-ins... so since you, Marty and Phil will be occupied.... it falls on AVB to win the match.
Florida Man: I barely talk to the guy.
Gazoo: In your favour, he's already betrayed Marty once in the past year. We just play up The Anointed history, while you suck up like crazy to make this guy your best friend. Who is better? You or Marty? Whoever AVB likes more will win-
Florida Man: Sounds like a pla- dough!
Walking into the dressing room, The Wolfpac discover Epcot Mafia Hollywood - Marty - has had the same idea, and is playing cards with AVB.
Marty Donovan (braying fake laugh only increases at the appearance of his tag partner): HAHAHAHAHAHA.... good one, Alex!
Alexander Von Blankenship (dirty look): I didn't say anything.
Florida Man (dejected): Damn it... he's always eight steps ahead.
Gazoo (pointing): Wait, all is not lost!
Fortunately Marty's worst enemy remains Marty, and his idea of showing AVB a good time is... playing Lorcana. Faced with a Merlin Goat card, AVB seems to be reminded why the Anointed turned on their leader.
Florida Man: Lorcana, mind if I join you?
Marty Donovan: Actually we're in the middle of a-
Alexander Von Blankenship (getting up): Please, I was just leav-
Florida Man (pulling out a deck): Wait, these are Lorcana for kids. Let's use my nude deck!
Alexander Von Blankenship (sitting back down): Now we're talking.
AVB seems less enthused when the first nude card he looks at is.... Merlin Goat. Marty is far more incensed that anyone would sleaze up this wonderful game.
Marty Donovan (rising): THESE AREN'T OFFICIALLY LICENSED!
Florida Man (pointing): No surprise you want to go by the book - BOOKERMAN.
Marty's eyes flash at this reference to his promoter side hustle. Does the Floridian know? Before the main event can play out backstage, the boys try to get this heated exchange under control. There have been more stabbings due to Lorcana games than there ever were from Matthew X ribs. The camera pans away from the locker rooms, down the hall, and through the curtains just in time for....
CATCHING THE WAVE
WITH SIMON CRUISE
FEATURING ROBINSON
Running down the aisle, the cameraman finds the former West Coast champion in the ring, opposite his talking surfboard which has been set up in the corner.
Simon Cruise: Thank you Hardkore faithful... now, if you dudes and dudettes will indulge me, tonight, I'd like to interview the 2023 manager of the year. Perhaps he can give Lil' Corny some tips on how to pick up the award this year? Please give a warm welcome to my mouthpiece, Robins- Donnie, no!
Before Cruise can interview the demonically possessed surfboard, Donnie Valentine is running away with it.
Robinson: HANDS OFF THE GOODS, YOU GOT TO BUY ME DINNER FIRST!
Simon Cruise: Bring him back, Donnie!
Donnie Valentine: NO!
With that, the senior ring crew member runs the board up the aisle with Cruise hot on his trail-
Simon Cruise: We're just going to have a friendly chat-
Donnie Valentine: Everyone who appears on your chat show gets horrible injured! I know you're jealous of my friendship with Robinson-
Robinson: PUT ME DOWN YOU FAT FUCK!
Donnie Valentine: But I won't let the curse get him-
With that Valentine disappears through the curtains-
Simon Cruise (huffing, possibly due to the drugs Donnie and Robinson slipped him): Land... why did it have to be land...
Cruise pushes through the curtain, with the videographer on his tail. Unable to hide in an electrical closet, Donnie takes the swearing surfboard into the dressing room.
Donnie Valentine: Keep back-
The duo stumble into the Lorcana card table-
Marty Donovan: My winning hand!
Alexander Von Blankenship (rolling eyes): Shame that.
Unfortunately, the mask means that Florida Man has very little peripheral vision. The steady drugs also make him very paranoid. Also his memory is a little hazy, and Flo might think he's defending the title against Simon tonight, so a surfboard is the enemy. Whatever the reason, when faced with a demonic surfboard, Florida Man does what any gator faced beast would do-
Donnie Valentine: JESUS!
...Florida Man bites Robinson in half.
Robinson: THE HUMANITY!
The board explodes - pieces and stripes of it scattering across a floor already covered in table scraps and sketchy Lorcana nudes. Simon Cruise enters just in time to see Donnie fall to his knees.
Simon Cruise: .......he wasn't on my show when this happened. THERE ISN'T A CURSE!
Donnie Valentine: Why Robbie... why you... why couldn't it have been Judy?
The room is decidedly cold to the gator.
Florida Man: What? A guy can't defend himself?
If FML doesn't watch it, one of these days he's going to be arrested for murder.
Simon Cruise (putting a comforting hand on Donnie's shoulder): I'm sorry dude- I... wait...
Robinson: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
The demon lives? No. Stranger than that. In the refuse that used to be the talking board, are mechanisms. Eyes continue to move, but this is not the work of magic, rather animatronics.
Simon Cruise: For the last eight months... someone has been controlling Robinson... spying on us...
Donnie Valentine: So he's gonna be okay?
Simon Cruise: He was never real. This was all a mean trick. A prank.
Florida Man (starring daggers at Marty): Sounds like a pretty intense BETRAYAL.
Marty Donovan (trying to avoid the subject of HKW Florida): Come on Alexander, let's paint the town red.
Alexander Von Blankenship: My defense is-
Florida Man: Great idea! First a cockfight then an Albuquerque style Tijuana Donkey show - first rounds on me.
Marty Donovan: What about Lorcana?
Alexander Von Blankenship (following Florida Man): Lead on!
Marty Donovan (Ollie is going to kill me... but I can't leave FML alone with AVB): Yay, seedy, gross, stupid stuff... I like that too.
With that Philthy Rich hit the town, leaving Donnie to lament a still cursing broken Robinson, while Simon sees conspiracy.
Robinson: ...SEE YOU ASSHOLES AROUND.
Simon stomps on Robinson's broken face, shattering the last of the robotic pieces.
Phillip Blauer: Wow, you think you could trust a surfboard.
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the Rancho Rio Events Center for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below. Fans holds up signs that say “Captain Self Righteous”
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2024, Dan Stein was on his way to winning his match when Lady Liberty kidnapped Domino. That distraction was enough to allow Captain Righteous to low blow him with The Peacemaker and win their match.
Phillip Blauer: No one made him care about what was happening to Domino. You could probably shoot Lady Liberty right in front of Captain Righteous and he wouldn’t even break his headlock. That’s called focus, and dedication, and…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sociopathy. To add insult to injury, Captain Righteous seriously reaggravated Dan Stein’s back injury that he recently had surgery on with The Peacemaker, putting him out of action.
Phillip Blauer: Insult without the injury, is like peanut butter without the jelly, Daddy-O.
Domino gets pushed out through the curtain by Lady Liberty. She folds her arms like she won’t walk down to the ring, until she gets some coaxing from Liberty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now he has captured Domino and in some deranged attempt to “save” her from Dan Stein. It’s part of his crusade to cleanse Hardkore World of everything he finds objectionable, the Heroes of Righteousness Protection Agency.
Phillip Blauer: Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it. Is Captain Righteous in murky waters legally? Perhaps. But law enforcement has long abandoned this industry shortly after Eddie Gilbert hit Jerry Lawler with a car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous claims Simon Cruise’s defeat will be just the beginning of his reign of terror here on the West Coast.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous waves to the jeering fans
"Riptide" by Vance Joy pumps over The Rancho Rio Events Center and the Albuquerque audience leaps to their feet. Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. hard pans from the entrance way over to the audience where Simon Cruise launches himself into the audience on Robinson, his talking surfboard. If any of the California crowd members aren't fans of the water sports enthusiast, it doesn’t show, continuing to move the board forward for fear a fall will hurt them. This rationale turns the audience into a literal wave, which hands Cruise towards ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Palm Springs Punishment 2024, Simon Cruise lost a ladder match against The Sheik for a shot to regain his beloved Hardkore West Coast Championship.
Phillip Blauer: He must have been crying in his fish tacos that next morning. I have to say he needs to wash that surfboard’s mouth out with soap. This is a family show.
Guillermo O’Bannon: We’re on at 1:00 am, Phil. After seeing what Captain Righteous did to one of Simon’s idols, Dan Stein, Cruise is a little anxious about tonight, but he thinks he can out wrestle the big man on his way to victory tonight.
Arriving at the guardrail, the nimble bro Simon Cruise cartwheels over the timekeeper's table
Guillermo O’Bannon: OH!! Captain Righteous clotheslined him in mid-air and Simon Cruise lands in a heap on the arena floor!!
Simon Cruise vs. Captain Righteous
Captain Righteous doesn’t let up as he pulls Simon Cruise up by the hair, pulling him up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tommy Milligan signaling for the bell to start this match, despite Simon Cruise being jumped during his entrance.
Phillip Blauer: I applaud this. “Protect yourself at all times.”
Guillermo flinches at him, and Phil shrieks and hides under the desk
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous throws Cruise into the ring post!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center winces at the sound of Simon Cruise hitting the post. With Cruise down on the outside, Righteous berates him for being such a slacker. At the announce position, Phil come up from under the desk
Phillip Blauer: (ahem) Captain Righteous taking time out of his busy schedule to teach the younger generation about hard work.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m pretty sure Simon is older than Righteous. But Righteous isn’t done. He picks up Cruise into a fireman’s carry, thrusts backwards, and rams Cruise’s back into the ring post!!
The Albuquerque fans boo as Righteous smiles with Simon Cruise still on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. Captain Righteous mouths back off to the fans
Phillip Blauer: Careful. You don’t pull on Superman’s cape.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous takes a step forward, then drives backward into the ring post again!
Simon Cruise groans in pain as he hits the steel again. Righteous prepares for one more, then shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous takes a few more steps forward, then rushes back. SImon Cruise is able to free himself, and Righteous slams his own back into the ring post!!
The audience comes to life as Righteous stumbles forward and catches himself on the guard rail. Cruise pulls himself up, jumps on the guard rail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise then jumps onto Righteous’s back and surfs!!
Phillip Blauer: This man is sick. Look at him, dehumanizing his opponents.
Cruise jumps off Righteous and onto the ring apron. Righteous’s face gets red as he realizes what Cruise did. Domino tosses the surfboard to Cruise
Phillip Blauer: Hey!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino helping out Captain Righteous’ opponent, as well she should.
As Righteous turns around, Cruise tosses the surfboard to Righteous who catches it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise then comes off the apron and dropkicks the surfboard into RIghteous’s face!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center is cheering as Cruise picks Righteous up and rolls him into the ring. Cruise jumps up to the top turnbuckle and comes down with a double stomp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise hits a Hang 10 to the back of Righteous!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Simon Cruise runs to the corner and waits as Captain Righteous gets back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Righteous stands up and turns around, Simon Cruise looks for the Bitchin’ Dropkick, but it doesn’t look to phase Righteous!
Cruise turns and tries to run to the ropes, but Righteous catches him by the hair and throws him down to the mat
Phillip Blauer: Ouch!
Captain Righteous throws Cruise into the corner and delivers some back elbows before switching up to driving his shoulder into Cruise’s ribs
Guillermo O’Bannon: As Cruise doubles over, Righteous hits a double underhook suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Simon Cruise kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: Simon Cruise receives a headbutt for his troubles.
Captain Righteous gets up, then pulls Simon Cruise up to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous sets Cruise up for a sidewalk slam, but Cruise flips back and lands on his feet. He tries another Bitchin’ Dropkick!
Phillip Blauer: And, again, it has no effect on Righteous.
Simon Cruise applies a waistlock and tries to bring Righteous to the mat, but the Captain throws Cruise off him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise slides between Righteous’s legs, then hits a school boy!
…ONE!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cruise applies a full nelson, but can’t fully lock it in. As Righteous stands, Cruise fights to locks his hands. He fights, fights, and finally locks it in!
Righteous looks upset until he smirks and violently throws his arms down to break out of the hold. He does a go behind and drops Cruise on the back of his head with a backdrop driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous hits The Land of Milk and Honey II!!
The backdrop driver folds Cruise up like an accordion. Righteous sits up and dusts off his hands
Phillip Blauer: I think in this rare instance, the sequel is better than the original. Like Caddyshack II.
On the other side of the ring, Domino grabs Cruise’s surfboard and climbs up onto the apron. Righteous turns around and yells at her. Righteous finally stands up and approaches her.
Phillip Blauer: Cripes. What’s her problem now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s been kidnapped, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: And my cat groomer cut Scarlett’s fur too short around the haunches. But you don’t see me griping.
Captain Righteous takes the surfboard and throws it down. As they continue to argue, Cruise gets back up and hits him with a spinning spear
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous turns around and is hit with the Barrel Roll!
He doubles over. Cruise goes to the top rope and hits a missile dropkick to Captain Righteous’ groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tomahawk Cruise Missile!!
Captain Righteous is down to a knee as Tommy Milligan warns Cruise about kicking too low.
Phillip Blauer: Disqualify him! You can’t kick a superhero in the nards!
Sensing his moment is now, Simon Cruise hits Righteous in the groin with a handspring mule kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Radomizer and Captain Righteous finally goes down!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous kicks out!
Cruise needs to hold his momentum, so he pulls RIghteous up and looks for the Carnival Cruise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous blocks the suplex, so Cruise jumps up and looks for a hurricanrana. But Righteous stays on his feet as Cruise falls back.
Captain Righteous then pulls Simon Cruise back up and powerbombs him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Righteous Rage!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"For the Damaged Coda" by Blonde Redhead plays and Captain Righteous has his arm raised by Tommy Milligan and then quickly rips it away
Greg Jin: “At 12 minutes 51 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a devastating new finisher and that spelled the end for Simon Cruise here tonight.
Captain Righteous demands something of Domino but she crosses her arms and refuses. His face turns red and he darts after her, but she hightails it up the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Can’t he just leave her alone?
Phillip Blauer: Look, he clearly asked for something and when you have a defiant employee, it makes everything difficult. Or worse yet, an employee who’s working against you, like Worthington who won’t feed me toast beefaroni in the shower, even though is boosts my productivity.
Captain Righteous grabs two chairs, while never looking away from Domino in the aisleway. He shows considerable strength tossing them both in the ring at once
Phillip Blauer: Wow! Did you see that?
Guillermo O’Bannon: His strength mixed with his temper make him so dangerous.
Captain Righteous rolls into the ring and sets up the chairs. He keeps looking at Domino while setting up the chairs. He pulls Simon Cruise’s head into his legs, still looking at Domino, and lifts him up and ganso bombs Cruise’s neck on the bridged chairs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gives Simon Cruise the Righteous Indignation through those chairs!!
The Rancho Rio Events Center rocks with boos! Captain Righteous is still looking at a horrified Domino in the aisle way. Simon Cruise holds the back of his neck and Tommy Milligan checks on him. Simon mutters something to Milligan
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous sending a monstrous message to Domino!
Domino covers her mouth in revulsion while the jeers are deafening. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. slides into the ring and starts examining Simon’s neck. Valentine beckons his staff for a stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise looks to be hurt after that Righteous Indignation on bridged steel chairs. His neck hit those seats at a terrible angle.
Hardkore referee Mike Peters comes in and waves off, telling Captain Righteous to go to the back. Righteous looks enraged that he would tell him what to do
Guillermo O’Bannon: He scoops up Mike Peters!
Captain Righteous looks at Domino, slightly smiles, and then sits out into a phoenix driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Righteous Phoenix on a referee!! I can barely believe he would do something like that to Simon Cruise, but to Mike Peters?? A semi-retired referee?
Phillip Blauer: I think he was here to say hi to some old friends because he’s local. Bad day to run into the ring.
Captain Righteous steps out through the ropes, and Domino turns around and runs back to the locker room. Righteous angrily walks after her.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino wants nothing to do with Righteous and I don’t blame her! This has got to stop! Kilroy Evans, Mickie Fury, and Syrus Wilder run out among other office personnel to help Simon Cruise, who has not moved since the Righteous Indignation through those chairs!
The audience boos fall silent as the buzzing of concern replaces it. The stretcher is in the ring as Simon Cruise answers questions while they put a brace around his neck. A second medical team stabilizes Mike Peters. The occasional whistle from the fans breaks the silence from time to time
Guillermo O’Bannon: Simon Cruise now being loaded on that stretcher, and they are now sliding him under the ropes onto the gurney. I think I speak for everyone when I say we pray both Simon Cruise and Mike Peters are ok and that this purely precautionary. Fans, we have to take a break. We’ll be right back.
"At Last".
(Syberus's voice comes out of the dark. The camera slowly fades into his bowed head in a darkened room as his speech continues as a voiceover.)
"At Last! The righteous called."
"The beast..."
(His eyes rise up to meet the camera.)
"Was slain."
"And the masses..."
(We switch to a procession of robed figures swinging incense and carrying torches.)
"Rejoiced!"
"The beast, Marty Donovan, was slain!"
(Two hooded figures place a red cloak over Syberus.)
"And in their rejoice, they cloaked me in robes of blood."
(The procession grows nearer as drum beats begin to thump in the darkness.)
"They sheathed me a sword of bone."
(The figures begin to climb stone steps towards Syberus, kneeling in his cloak.)
"They seated me atop a throne of barbed wire..."
"...and on my head..."
(A figure steps forward holding something out of view.)
"...they placed a crown."
(Syberus lifts his head as the robed figure places a golden crown on top of him. Syberus stares into the camera for a second, before it shuts to black.)
...
"Long live the King."
Fade up on Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. putting the finishing touches on the steel cage. Guillermo and Phil are at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in March, after Roscoe Law made his return to the ring defeating “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse in Phoenix, Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan came down to the ring and claimed Nowa retired Roscoe back in 2009, and would do it again at Albuquerque Punishment 2024 in a stretcher match. However, it was Roscoe who came out the winner in that one, and now Bobby Nowa is the one who is possibly on the shelf. However after Roscoe’s match with The Martian in Coachella, Anthony Jordan accused him of kidnapping Nowa and threatened him with retribution tonight in the cage.
“The Best" by Tina Turner plays and The Rio Rancho Events Center jeers. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walks out from behind the curtain and stops to survey the hostile crowd
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan showed a vicious side of himself at Albuquerque Punishment, taking out Tuxedo Mask’s legs early and then forcing him to tap out to The Idolizer #2. Roscoe Law would be well advised to avoid the same thing happening to him.
Anthony Jordan both slowly walk to the ring. He gives his goofy grin and drinks in the jeers and signs that say “Jordan’s Fighting The Law And Law’s Gonna Win”, and “Tony Bologna”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both guys were last here in Albuquerque as managers, albeit 15 years apart. The last time Anthony Jordan was here was in December of 2022 when he managed Kalmin Watts in a winning effort over Moondog Dook. The last time Roscoe Law was here was in September of 2007 when he managed The Happy Faces in the Hardkore America Tag Team title tournament when they lost in the first round to Blood Corps.
Phillip Blauer: As we saw, The Happy Faces made an appearance as the ambulance drivers at the end of the stretcher match at Albuquerque Punishment 2024.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that was The Interns.
Phillip Blauer: Oh. Well, they looked happy to me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan continues to have his image reimagined by Beth Cleo.
Phillip Blauer: You should see if she’ll throw you a bone and get you a suit that isn’t from the Bush administration.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What’s wrong with my suit? (checks his pocket) There is a ticket stub in here from Plain White T’s show.
Anthony Jordan gets to the cage door and plays to the booing fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan has moved on from his partner Bobby Nowa’s departure, and seemingly has forgotten who he was. He feels there are too many title belts here on the West Coast, especially since he isn’t receiving a title shot for any of them tonight. He hopes a win over Roscoe in a cage tonight will fix that.
Yolanda Ando: Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda.
Greg Jin: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd jeers
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro triggers the entrance and “LAW” in red on a black screen as classic Roscoe Law clips play throughout the entrance. Pyro shoots from the floor as Roscoe stands at the top of the stage as he surveys the roaring audience’s reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: When most people dip their toe back into wrestling, they like to work their way up. But Roscoe has been forced to dive headfirst into stretcher and steel cage matches.
Phillip Blauer: Look, if Hardkore World is looking to get out of the graveyard block on KPLM, we’re not going to do that with farting in ambulances. Take that to Billy and The Bunghole on the WPAK radio Morning Zoo. We need classy types, like Anthony Jordan. Mr. Peanut classy. I bet he’s never farted in one emergency vehicle.
Roscoe Law walks down the aisle way, slapping hands with the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law of course, denies knowing anything about what happened to Bobby Nowa after his ambulance ride in Palm Springs.
Phillip Blauer: You know, there was another guy from Wisconsin who said he did nothing wrong when people accused him of things. And that man turned out to be Jefferey Dahmer.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Are you comparing Roscoe to Dahmer?
Phillip Blauer: I’m just saying it’s a pattern of people assuming people from Wisconsin aren’t capable of being evil.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. Roscoe Law calls himself the King of the Cage, but Jordan is no stranger to the steel himself. This should be a good one.
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe has short salt and pepper hair and sports a short salt & pepper beard. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed in red on them.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent is from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
The Albuquerque crowd gives Roscoe a huge ovation
Steel Cage Match
Roscoe Law vs. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Roscoe and Anthony Jordan circle one another cautiouslyGuillermo O’Bannon: Law and Jordan lock up in a collar and elbow tie up, and Roscoe grabs a side headlock. Jordan slips his head out and does a rear waistlock takedown on the four time NCAA Champion!
Anthony Jordan floats over into a front facelock. Roscoe twists out of it and gets on top of Jordan’s back with a hammerlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan reaches back and snap mares Law over his shoulder into a reverse chinlock.
Jordan sticks his knee into Roscoe’s back and tightens up on the reverse chinlock. The audience encourages Roscoe to escape, which Anthony answers with shaking his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law slips his head out and takes Jordan down with a drop toehold, and then applies a scissored armbar.
Roscoe rocks back on Anthony Jordan’s locked arm, putting pressure on the elbow and wrist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan rolls backwards onto his feet with Roscoe Law still attached to his limb with the scissored armbar. He finally punches his way out of it. He pulls Roscoe up and snap suplexes him back to the mat.
The audience boos. Jordan scoops Roscoe up and drops him across his knee in a backbreaker. He pulls him up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe ducks underneath a clothesline, and comes back from the other side with a dropkick!
The Rio Rancho Events Center comes to life! Law pulls Jordan up into a butterfly position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law double arm suplexes Anthony Jordan across the ring! He applies a surfboard now.
Roscoe sticks his knee into Jordan’s spine and yanks back on his arms. Richie Richardson checks in to see if Jordan wants to give up, but Anthony shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law lifts him up into a textbook suplex. He does a handstand over him, then drives his knee into Jordan’s throat!
The audience cheers. Jordan sits up, coughing and choking, trying to get some air
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe goes to kick Jordan, but Anthony catches his leg and gives him a slow dragon screw.
Phillip Blauer: I could go for one of those myself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan cracks Law in the knee with a few elbow strikes, and then lifts him up into a side waistlock, depositing him onto the mat with a side suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Roscoe Law gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan grabs the ropes for balance, and lands a few well places stomps to Roscoe’s knee. He pulls him up face to face, and flips Law over his shoulder with a head and arm suplex!
Roscoe Law rolls over onto his stomach as Anthony Jordan climbs to the second turnbuckle. He uses the cage to walk out onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan with a flying elbow off the second rope onto the small of Roscoe’s back!
The fans jeer. Law kicks his toes into the mat in pain, clutching at his back. Anthony Jordan pulls him up and gut wrench suplexes him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan calling for Tommy Milligan to open the cage door!
Phillip Blauer: This one is over!
The fans all turn their heads around as a golf cart comes down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: Did someone call a doctor? It’s The Interns!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that’s The Happy Faces.
Phillip Blauer: I give up.
The Happy Faces drive the golf cart to the door of the cage, and then pull a Miller welder out. They put on a welding helmet and begin welding the cage door shut
Phillip Blauer: Hey! They can’t do that, can they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They’re Roscoe’s former team he managed in Hardkore Britain, and they are here to help him out I suppose.
Phillip Blauer: No, I mean, they can’t see through that mask and a welding facemask can they?
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan gives up on the idea of going out through the door and irish whips Law into the ropes. He dips down for a backdrop, but Roscoe catches him with a DDT!
The Albuquerque crowd pops. A limping Roscoe pulls him up and gives Jordan an inverted atomic drop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law with a superkick! He applies a straightjacket submission.
Law pulls back on Anthony Jordan’s arms, compressing his own chest. Anthony Jordan fights his way to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law lets go of his arms and drops him on the back of his head with a belly to back suplex!
Roscoe pulls him up and drops down into a cross armbreaker. Jordan snatches his arm back into his body but Law pulls it back and applies a ude garami armlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe applies Americana! He clamps down on Jordan’s wrist, while twisting his elbow.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not Americana. A man blowing off three fingers on 4th of July and going into bankruptcy from medical bills. That’s Americana.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. Law pushing down on Anthony’s trapped arm, while Jordan is being careful not to get his shoulders pinned to the mat by Americana.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not Americana. Slicing your stuffed pretzel crust Philly cheesesteak pizza with an M-16. That’s Americana.
Anthony Jordan shakes his head, refusing to tap out to Richie Richardson, as he tries to free his other arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan finally gets to the ropes, and Richie Richardson forces Roscoe to break Americana.
Phillip Blauer: That’s not Americana. Voting in every American Idol episode, but not being registered to vote in actual elections. That’s…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, Phil. The hold is broken. Roscoe Law pulls him up into a side headlock, but Jordan grabs his calf, and does a shinbreaker atomic drop.
Roscoe Law tries to hobble away a few steps, but Anthony Jordan catches him from behind with a saito suplex. Jordan shakes some feeling back into his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan spreads Roscoe’s legs, and then leg drops his knee.
The Albuquerque fans boo. Law sits up, holding his knee. Anthony pulls him up into an inverted facelock, then twists around so that his left arm slams his head into the ground into a stiff eye of the hurricane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan Twist!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Roscoe Law kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan pulls Roscoe Law up by the hair and bashes his face into the steel cage! Another for good measure!
Jordan pulls Roscoe Law up and grabs a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law blocks a DDT and reverses it into a northern lights suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan gets his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law, now bleeding, climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Jordan to get to his feet. He dives off with a flying clothesline!
Jordan stumbles up and a limping Roscoe Law stands next to him, tying up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law snaps back into a russian leg sweep, rolls to his feet, and drives an elbow into Jordan’s throat!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe grabs a tongan death grip on his trapezius muscles. He pinches the nerves of the sitting Anthony Jordan, cutting off blood flow to the rest of his arm.
Richie Richardson checks in to see if Anthony Jordan wants to give it up, but The Role Model shakes his head. Jordan works his way to his feet with Roscoe still attached with the tongan death grip
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan rams his elbow into Roscoe Law’s stomach, and a second elbow frees him from the tongan death grip. He hooks Law’s leg and gives him a cradle back suplex!
The Rio Rancho Events Center jeers. Roscoe Law pulls himself up by the ropes as Anthony Jordan waits behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan clips Roscoe Law’s knee out from behind!
A bleeding Roscoe Law crumples to the mat on his stomach, clutching his knee. Roscoe howls in pain, sitting up and rubbing his knee. Jordan's applies a headscissors and reaches back and pulls one of Roscoe's legs back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Vainglorious! Jordan clamps down on Law’s head with those powerful legs while bending his leg towards his own head.
Drops of blood sprinkle onto the mat as Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in to see if Roscoe Law wants to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law refusing to give up, so Anthony Jordan rolls Vainglorious to the side. Jordan wearing down that back, while tightening up on that headscissors.
Roscoe Law is finally able to scoot far enough to the side of the ring, and grab the bottom rope. Anthony Jordan gets up and spreads Law’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan elbow drops the side of his knee.
Roscoe howls in pain, sitting up and rubbing his knee. Jordan pulls him up to his feet by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan now raking Roscoe Law’s face from side to side on the cage mesh, tearing his skin!
Phillip Blauer: Roscoe now a bloody mess instead of the drunken mess he usually is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan hits the ropes and flies at Law, but Roscoe catches him and overhead belly to belly suplexes Anthony headfirst into the cage!!
The crowd comes to life! Anthony Jordan’s head bounces off the cage and he falls violently to the mat. Roscoe pulls him up into a powerbomb, dropping his back on the ropes, and then drops back to have Jordan fall face first into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reverse slingshot powerbomb!!
Phillip Blauer: Jordan left a bloodstain where his head hit the canvas!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe irish whips him into the ropes and hotshots his face into the cage wall!! Anthony Jordan stumbles back into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law pulls him up and bashes Jordan’s face into the cage wall! He grabs him by the throat and lifts him up into a chokeslam backbreaker across his knee!!
A bleeding Anthony Jordan writhes on the mat in pain. Roscoe motions for him to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law tosses Anthony Jordan into the cage!
Anthony Jordan slides down the cage wall to the apron. A blood drenched Roscoe Law backs away as Jordan pulls himself up by the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe hits the ropes and comes back, diving through the ropes for a spear, but Anthony Jordan moves!! Ross’ head just rammed that steel mesh and he bounced back like a pinball!
The air goes out of The Rancho Rio Events Center and Anthony Jordan steps through the ropes into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan gives him a spinning toe hold. He wrenches Law’s leg towards him, twisting his knee to the side.
Richie Richardson asks Roscoe if he wants to give up but he shakes his head, trying to hang on. Blood drips off the top of Law’s head onto the mat below him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan gives his leg another spin, turning Roscoe’s knee to a very painful angle.
Roscoe reaches out for the ropes, but they’re too far away. The audience chants “ROSCOE! ROSCOE! ROSCOE!”
Phillip Blauer: (ahem) If you’ll excuse me, I have to go drain the old weasel.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gross, Phil.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan gives Law’s leg another hard twist.
Phil gets up and starts stretching and yawning near the cage. Richie Richardson again checks in to see if Law wants to give up, but he refuses. Phil pulls a small chain out of his pocket and tosses it over the cage and Anthony Jordan catches it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! Hey! What are you doing?
Anthony Jordan wraps the chain around his fist and clocks Roscoe Law with it, knocking him unconscious
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan just hit Roscoe Law with that chain that Phil passed him!
The Happy Faces take off after Phil in their golf cart, as Phil escapes over the railing into the audience. Jordan gives Roscoe another wrench on the spinning toe hold, and Richie Richardson counts his shoulders down
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t believe it. What did he do that for?
A bloody Anthony Jordan gets his hand raised by Richie Richardson as “The Best" by Tina Turner plays
Greg Jin: “At 20 minutes 46 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan says he was in talks with “Phil Co” and I guess we got his answer here tonight. It looks as though The Role Model has become Philthy Rich.
The audience boos and presses middle fingers against the bloody Anthony Jordan as he staggers to the back. In the ring, Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. works on Roscoe Law
Phillip Blauer: You know, Hulk Hogan did a lot of things that are wrong.. He said the N word. During his sex tape. With Bubba The Love Sponge’s wife. But one thing he was right about, was taking your vitamins, brother.
No, he did not sound like Hulk. Didn’t even know to try.
Phillip Blauer: Vitamins are an important part of health and nutrition, but most of them are for your entire body. Yeah, like my pancreas needs any more pampering. What’s it ever done for me? But what if you can give vitamins to your face? Well, now you can!
Introducing Phil’s Face Vitamins! Vitamins, for your face!
Phil talks over b roll of vitamins at an assembly line factory
Want some come-hither eyebrows? Try some of my Vitamin M. The M is for mercury! Side effects can include trouble breathing, nausea, vomiting, and beatin ‘em off with a sick, my man.
Looking to tighten up that skin, sister? Why use botox when you can use scorpion venom! Does it work? Well, it sounds pretty cool doesn’t it?
Guys, are women always cheating on you because of your eyelashes? Sleeping with men that have much better eyelashes than you do? Oh, how they laugh behind your back at some flea bag motel about your puny effeminate eyelashes. You’ll show them with Phil’s Secret Recipe Topical Eyelash Rescue Elixir.
Cut to a demonstration of someone using a drippy liquid out of an nail polish type bottle and brush on a volunteer
Now, you don’t want to get any of that in your mouth. That is pure black leopard bile. No telling what would happen if a human ever consumed it. Why you’d probably transform into something horrific. You’d be gunned down by the local townsfolk when they saw you growling at your fiance, who found you in a chicken coop, trying to see if there’s any human left inside you.
The panicked volunteer puts both hands over his mouth tightly
Phillip Blauer: Your face opens so many doors for you. Won’t you open a bottle of pills for your face?
Phil’s Face Vitamins
Fade back up on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., along with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. taking down the cage. Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: So you’re back? What happened to having to pee?
Phillip Blauer: Funniest thing. False alarm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So I guess Anthony Jordan is Philthy Rich now too?
Phillip Blauer: Hey, you’re not as dumb as that tie makes you look.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, coming up is the first title defense of another Philthy Rich member, Hardkore California Champion Alexander Von Blankenship putting his title on the line against Tuxedo Mask.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Rio Rancho Events Center boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask first wrestled in Albuquerque in January 2010 when he lost to Tric. The last time he was here was in December of 2022 when he teamed with Syberus, and Kilroy Evans in a losing effort to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in a texas tornado match. Tonight he hopes to gain some revenge on AVB by taking his Hardkore California Championship.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Phillip Blauer: Why do they boo his flippery now? You can’t win with these people.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Greg Jin: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger; from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask looks out at the sea of “TUX SUX!” signs in the crowd
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face and the Hardkore California Championship strapped around his waist. Hasbulla follows behind, blowing his whistle and pointing at the belt. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: The Blessed Era has begun!
Guillermo O’Bannon: In between needlessly interrupting a legend’s like John “Catman” Wilder’s lifetime achievement award ceremony and making his feelings for Lady Liberty known, Alexander Von Blankenship was able to fit in winning his first singles title, defeating Joe Nobody for the Hardkore California Championship in a steel cage match, with the use of a combination lock in a sock.
Phillip Blauer: And did Nobody mind? Let’s ask him. Oh, he’s not here. How silly of me.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Coachella, he…
Phillip Blauer: That was sarcasm, by the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I got it, Phil. In Coachella, after Syrus Wilder’s win over “The Ring Rat” Joseph Hart, he came down to try and rile Wilder up even more.
Phillip Blauer: What can you do? The kid likes riling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, Phil. He’s not your son. You don’t have to excuse everything he does.
Phillip Blauer: I know that. But if I had a son, I think he’d be a little something like AVB.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not actually far off.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Rat Boy”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, a 35 year old looking tattered sign that says “John ‘Catman’ Wilder, and “AVB’s Gonna Get Run Over By Syrus The Steam Whistle''. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try to touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As usual, AVB doesn’t have much regard for his opponent, a former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion. He claims this is the beginning of a long reign where he will establish the Hardkore California Championship as one of the top titles in XHF.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the ring. He gives the cage the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tells you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Second Generation Jackpot, The Heavenly Heathen; Always Very Blessed; He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The audience boos as Hasbulla blows his whistle in front of AVB holding up the Hardkore California Championship
Hardkore California Championship
Tuxedo Mask turns around to hand his cape to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. but Alexander Von Blankenship jumps him with punches from behind. Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB sucker punches Tuxedo Mask before the bell! He rakes his eyes, and then scoops him up for a shoulderbreaker.
Von Blankenship pulls him up and whacks him with a hard knife edge chop to the chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship blisters Tux with another hard chop. He hooks him and snap suplexes him hard to the mat.
AVB kicks him in the side of the knee. He goes for another, but Tux catches his leg and swings around with an enzuigiri roundhouse kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask grabs his head in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle, and jumps off with a tornado DDT!
Tux grabs Von Blankenship in a ¾ nelson, and runs up the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits an acid drop on Alexander Von Blankenship!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes his eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs him in a front facelock and twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
The Albuquerque crowd boos. Von Blankenship scoops Tuxedo Mask up and drops her on her knee with a backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB pulls Tux up by the hair and tosses him over the ropes, but Tux hangs on and lands on the apron!
Phillip Blauer: Turn around Alex! Turn around!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship hears you and turns around, but Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself over the ropes into a DDT!
Tux motions for AVB to get up as Von Blankenship rubs his head and staggers to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear that nearly cuts AVB in half!!
Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring, holding his stomach. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special over the ropes onto AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
Both men lie on the Rancho Rio Events Center floor. After catching his breath, Tux slowly rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and baseball slides under the ropes and catches Alexander Von Blankenship with a helicopter huracanrana on the floor!!
Tuxedo Mask pulls AVB up to his feet by the hair, and then grabs him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask lifts him up into a reverse suplex, dropping his stomach on the guardrail!
The audience winces at the sound of AVB’s gut hitting the railing. Tuxedo Mask steps over the railing and suddenly his focus is interrupted
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is Tux looking at?
Phillip Blauer: Why that’s New Mexico’s own French Stewart!
Tuxedo Mask walks over and starts telling French Stewart about his YouTube channel and doing a collaboration. French Stewart motions he’s just here as a fan with his daughter
Phillip Blauer: Tux taking my advice about there’s no such thing as chance encounters, only opportunities.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask not taking no for an answer and getting quite pushy about it.
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no. This is all gamesmanship. You don’t know how Hollywood works. You blew that one audition Jonnie got you for the Hardkore Video Game and we had to call in Scott Hudson.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The engineer kept rushing me!
Phillip Blauer: His time is money!!
Tuxedo Mask makes the dollar sign at an embarrassed French Stewart as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to separate the two
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Tux in the balls from behind out in the crowd!
Tux goes down, clutching his groin. Hasbulla blows on his whistle triumphantly, hopping around Tuxedo Mask. AVB scoops him up and backs up towards the security railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship fallaway slams Tuxedo Mask over the railing into the ringside area!
AVB steps over the railing and climbs back into the ring. Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB suplexes him over the ropes, drops his feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
The Albuquerque crowd jeers but Von Blankenship motions for them to get louder. Hasbulla blows his whistle proudly. AVB pulls Tux up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship catches Tuxedo Mask with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside. Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up by the ropes while AVB waits like a cobra ready to strike. Tux turns around into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
The audience boos as Tuxedo Mask goes down like a redwood. Von Blankenship pulls him up and cracks him with a right hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another punch by the Hardkore California Champion. He hits him again, right between the eyes!
Alexander Von Blankenship swings another right cross at him, but he hits air as Tuxedo Mask does a leg split in desperation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a Johnny Cage style punch to the groin!
Phillip Blauer: That’s how I imagine Prince would deliver a receipt.
The fans cheer AVB’s predicament as he holds his balls. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest. Tuxedo Mask gets underneath him with a saito suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux Plex ‘99!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Von Blankenship up and irish whips him into the corner so hard that he falls against the turnbuckles. Tux then cartwheels into a handspring into a bronco buster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxbuster!
Phillip Blauer: I think those things are loaded!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask steps on the backs of AVB’s knees and rolls him up into a Tuxmission dragon sleeper mexican surfboard!
The audience cheers as Tux pulls back on Von Blankenship’s head, bending him in half. Kelly O’Connell checks in but AVB won’t quit. Hasbulla blows on his whistle in fear on the outside of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Albuquerque fans seem to be warming to Tux as he seems to at least be the lesser of two evils here tonight. He rocks back with Von Blankenship’s head, bending him in half in the Tuxmission.
Tuxedo Mask finally releases the Tuxmission and pulls him up into a crotch tie position, then pumphandles him up into a spinning juvi driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosegarden!! He climbs up to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a corkscrew 450 splash, but Von Blankenship puts his knees up!!
The audience winces as Tuxedo Mask rolls around the mat, holding his ribs. Hasbulla whistles frantically on the outside. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Tux’s arms and swings him over into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification! He lifts Tuxedo Mask up on his shoulder and drills him headfirst into the mat with Desecration!!
Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and then sits him on the top turnbuckle but suddenly everyone in the crowd’s head turns towards the entrance
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder coming down to the ring!
Phillip Blauer: I’d say someone should stop him, but he seems faster than a locomotive!
Then on the other side of the ring, the crowd murmurs and looks behind them
Guillermo O’Bannon: And that’s Joe Nobody coming out of the crowd! Two people Alexander Von Blankenship has messed with recently, bearing down on him at once!
Phillip Blauer: Larry! Stop them!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and he and his team do their best to head off Syrus Wilder and Joe Nobody. Alexander Von Blankenship smirks at them being held back, but Tuxedo Mask headbutts him in the face. He butterflies AVB’s arms and flips over the top of him with a double underhook sunset bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz by Tuxedo Mask!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The crowd leaps to their feet and cheers as Tuxedo Mask rolls back in disbelief! “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays while Alexander Von Blankenship recovers on the mat. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest, pointing at Syrus Wilder and Joe Nobody
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes, 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Phillip Blauer: That was blatant interference! What kind of person needs two people’s help to win a match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Every member of Philthy Rich?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) That…that is libel, good sir!
Joe Nobody and Syrus Wilder get in the ring and help Tuxedo Mask celebrate. Ri Eun-Ae runs down from the back and kisses Tux on the cheek while Wilder helps him strap on the Hardkore California Championship. Joe Nobody yells at the departing Alexander Von Blankenship to come into the ring, but AVB declines the offer
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can’t tell if the crowd has forgiven Tuxedo Mask, or if they just love seeing AVB lose a belt, but either way this crowd is deafening! Tuxedo Mask is your new Hardkore California Champion!
‘Dad, did you ever have trouble you know—-‘
Said the young man. His dad arched a brow, lowering his fishing rod.
‘You know what?’
His son shrugged. ‘Keeping your dick hard.’
‘What the fuck? How this quit being a puss—‘
The commercial cuts away, the screen dark
before light flares in the darkness. The masked face of the Scourge leans forward, a hand grabbing the camera as his minions lurk in the shadow.
‘I was happy to let this little whimsical violent shit show keep rolling. But then someone decided to book a show in Manchester.
And frankly? GREAT BRITAIN BELONGS TO DONZIG-GUN!’
A pause, Donzig lifted a hand to tap against his mask as he hisses.
‘So let me be real with the global titles being dragged beyond my reach by that fucking has been Death Trap! Bedause the powers that be have stolen from me! I have decided I will not rest until I take every piece of gold from every shit hole company on this network!
And the fact that I have not forgotten the insults thrown in my face by the fucking Valentines?!? Well, it will be all the sweeter.’
Donzig leaned closer, eyes blazing behind his mask as he adjusted the mask. A shrug, and he continued.
‘So Evan get your little paper champion ready! Get your whole fucking crew ready! Because Hardkore World.’
A pause.
‘See you soon.’
Fade into Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, a challenge from Wrestle: UK for our upcoming PPV this summer English Rage in Belfast 2024! We’ll have to see what comes of that, but coming up is The Miracle Violence Combination II’s first title defense of the Hardkore World Tag Team titles they won in Phoenix in March against the brother combination of Team Fairtex.
Phillip Blauer: I’m not paying Team Fairtex, but not for lack of trying. I told them with the money I gave them, they could buy new fingerless gloves and calf kick bags. But they have this deluded way of thinking that doesn’t include bribery. (sees his waiter approaching) Oh, it’s time for my dinner.
Phil’s waiter comes to the announce position with a covered metal plate
Waiter: Your flash fried chicken tempura medallions with a honey mustard cream sauce, sir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those are chicken nuggets.
Phillip Blauer: No, chicken nuggets are for toddlers. These are flash fried chicken tempura medallions with a honey mustard cream sauce.
Waiter: Would you like the Garfield the Movie promotional toy that came with it, sir?
Phillip Blauer: (ahem) Very well.
Guillermo stares at Phil
Phillip Blauer: Well it’s just silly to only have an Odie!
"UFC Remix" plays and the Rancho Rio Events Center cheers loudly. Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Former SWAT World Tag Team Champions Team Fairtex has a lot of respect for The Miracle Violence Combination II who they’ve watched through the years. But they’re not afraid of the reputation of the greatest tag team in Hardkore history.
Phillip Blauer: I think you’re forgetting Bobby Nowa and Sexual Vanilla.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am not.
The fans pat the laser focused Team Fairtex on the shoulders and back as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to get them through the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex point to all the different tag team partners Kilroy has had over the past couple years, and then contrast it to how they are brothers.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tong and Phantam say by the end of this match, there will be new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, the Bangkok Hitman and The Handsomest Face in Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: (chokes on a chicken nugget) Champagne! Champagne!
Phil’s waiter hands him a glass of champagne to wash down his chicken nuggets
Phillip Blauer: (out of breath) That troglodyte says he’s the most handsome face in Hardkore World?!? Have you seen these cheekbones? He’s going to have to take a lot of my Face Vitamins to even compete with this jawline.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minuite time limit. Your referee is Tommy Miliigan. Featuring first, the challengers; from Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd cheers for Phantam Fairtex and Tong Fairtex as they wave back at the fans
Then the funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powdered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in The Rancho Rio Events Center flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans walk out. Karnage with a half-smile on his face while Kilroy is looking relaxed
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy and Andrew Karnage are back, and back to dominating the tag division as they did 15 years ago. They walked into Phoenix, walked up that ladder, and took the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship that they held twice before.
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the familiar fans from over the years. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Phillip Blauer: When The Philthy Rich hung those belts on that hook, we expected them to be taken care of. And then Karnage and Kilroy went and stole them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a ladder match, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: It was thievery, is what it was! I bought those titles fair and square.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can’t buy a title.
Phillip Blauer: Hogwash. What about the Yankees? The Miami Heat? The Detroit Red Wings?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, ok.
Kilroy Evans takes time time to talk to the fans, and points out the signs like “Philthy Bitch”, “Kilroy Looks Good In Stripes”, “AK-47”, and “My Boy Kilroy”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Kilroy both coming off losses at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Karnage was upset by “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse and Kilroy lost that dog collar steel cage match to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man. The Miracle Violence Combination II are looking to refocus on the tag division with a win here tonight over the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions. The Miracle Violence Combination II was last here in September of 2007 where they competed in the Hardkore America Tag Team title tournament where they defeated Native Fire in the first round, The Stargazers in the second round, and lost to Final Contract in the semi-finals.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd. Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan now.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “MVCII” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Andrew Karnage is a bulky muscular, quite defined, tanned dirty blond. He’s got a glorious beard, with a Albuquerque tattoo on his left pectoral muscle, a Grim Reaper holding a Cerberus over the word “KARNAGE” tattooed on his left bicep, on his right arm is the Japanese kanji is written “OGRE WITH A BIG STICK” inside a stylized Horde Emblem. An “OBEY GIANT” star tattoo is on the inside of his right forearm. Karnage is wearing shorts style tights, blue with white and gold on the edges, a stylized white Mushroom Cloud on the ass with two crossing AK-47s in the burst. White with gold and blue around the edges kneepads and white Bret Hart style boots with blue toes and heels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The Miracle Violence Combination are also big fans of Team Fairtex, and appreciate the respect both teams have for one another.
Kilroy locks eyes on Team Fairtex, barely blinking as he stares at them.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; From Hurricane, Utah. He stands 6 feet 5 inches tall, and Weighs 265 pounds; The Head Droppin Uncle, The Utah Frankenstein, He provides Death By Suplex…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!” His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin…KILROY EVANS!! They are The HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
The audience roars as Karnage throws up the K sign again. Phil boos them from the announce position
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Kilroy and Tong Fairtex elect to start out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans and Fairtex lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. They struggle for a bit, and then Tong grabs a side headlock.
Kilroy tries to push him off, but Tong keeps a hold of the headlock. He pops his hips and takes Evans over in a side headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex grinds that headlock on the mat. Kilroy twists his legs until he’s back up on his feet with Tong hanging onto that headlock. He pushes Fairtex off into the ropes, and then takes him down with a drop toehold.
Kilroy goes to pick him up but Tong takes him over with a fireman’s carry. He goes for a reverse chinlock, but Kilroy snap mares Fairtex over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex ducks a right hand and does a go behind takedown, Tong then takes him over into a Japanese arm drag, and then applies an arm bar.
Andrew Karnage reaches out to make the tag but he’s too far away. Tong yanks up on Kilroy’s trapped arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Tong Fairtex was here was in September of 2007 when he teamed with Little Dragon’s father, Dragon Belt in the Hardkore America Tag Team tournament. They defeated Matt David & Johnny Carso in the first round, and lost to The Bozzini Brothers in the second round. Tong Fairtex now pulls him up for a suplex, but Kilroy blocks it. Evans counters with a snap suplex. He scoops Tong up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Kilroy tags in Andrew Karnage. Karnage pulls him up into a muay thai clinch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage is now in and batters him with high knee strikes. He lifts Tong up into a suplex and just holds him there.
Phillip Blauer: We get it. Hardkore doesn’t drug test.
The Albuquerque crowd cheers and applauds the show of strength. Karnage finally drops him, and Tong sits up in pain. Karnage pulls Tong up by the hair, and then leans back and delivers a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Giant Headbutt! He pulls Fairtex up by the hair and and cracks him with a few clubbing vader forearms, but Tong answers with some knife edge chops to Karnage’s throat.
Karnage hits him with another forearm, but Tong cracks him with a headbutt of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex finally knocks him down with a flying Muay Thai style dropkick!
Tong tags in Phantam Fairtex. They irish whip Andrew Karnage into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double leg lariat Andrew Karnage!
…ONE!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex ties up their legs and snaps back into a russian leg sweep. He applies a dragon sleeper on Karnage.
Phantam Fairtex leans back, trying to peel back the head of Andrew Karnage. Tommy Milligan checks in but Karnage shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage using that considerable power to crawl towards the side of the ring and grab the bottom rope!
Tommy Milligan taps Phantam Fairtex on the shoulder and break the dragon sleeper. He does so immediately. Karnage pulls himself up along the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex batters Karnage’s legs with muay thai kicks to his knees and calves.
Karnage ducks a muay thai strike and gets behind Fairtex with a half nelson hammerlock. He drops him on the back of his head with a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!
…ONE!
…Phantam Fairtex rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage tags Kilroy Evans back in. Karnage irish whips Fairtex into the ropes, and Kilroy catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
Phantam Fairtex arches his back in pain. Kilroy Evans lifts him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drops back into a samoan drop! He pulls him up into a chicken wing crossface.
Kilroy chokes up on Fairtex’s adam’s apple with his forearm, while cinching up that hammerlocked arm. Phantam groans in pain but refuses to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2005 when he lost a Hardkore America Heavyweight title barbed wire match to Cobryn. A year later in May of 2006, he lost a falls count anywhere match to Hardkore America Champion Rated X. In January 2010, he lost the Hardkore West Coast Championship to James Fierce. Then in May of 2012, he won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship off of the same man, Fierce. The last time Kilroy Evans was here was in December of 2022 when he, Tuxedo Mask and Syberus lost a texas tornado match to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Fairtex travels towards the ropes, but Kilroy hangs onto him in that chicken wing crossface
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam able to finally slip out of it, and does a go behind with a release german suplex!
Kilroy flips over and lands on his chest. Phantam pulls him up by the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex flips Kilroy over his shoulder with a jiu jitsu toss! He grabs a reverse chinlock on Kilroy.
Phantam locks together his hands and tightens up on the reverse chinlock, trying to wear Evans down. Fairtex flattens out his body to put more pressure on the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans works his way to his feet with Phantam Fairtex still grinding that reverse chinlock. Evans lands a hard elbow to Phantam’s stomach, a second one sets him free. He lifts Fairtex’s arm, and heart punches him in the chest.
Fairtex backs into the corner, holding his chest. Kilroy grabs him in a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy runs to the center of the ring with a bulldog!
Kilroy tags in Andrew Karnage. Andrew Karnage sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Kilroy up in a suplex and then gourdbusters him on top of Phantam Fairtex!
Phillip Blauer: It happened! The Miracle Violence Combination II has split up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I think that’s just one of their moves.
Phillip Blauer: Rats.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Phantam Fairtex by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab! He leans back, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Phantam Fairtex shakes his head. Andrew Karnage steps on the back of Phantam’s neck with his boot, and starts grinding on it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2005, when he defeated Carpenter. In May of 2006, he and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “The Saikyo Terrorist” Tatsuya Arakawa and “The Straight Shooter” Andrew Sinclair. In January of 2010, he defeated Abe Rogers. In May of 2012, he, Bruno, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson defeated Marty Donovan, Kota, and The Shootfighter.
Andrew Karnage takes his foot off of the back of Phantam’s neck and sits low on the single leg boston crab. Tong Fairtex steps through the ropes into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex enters the ring and cracks Andrew Karnage in the back with several muay thai kicks to the small of his back to break up the single leg boston crab!
Kilroy Evans enters the ring but Tommy Milligan cuts him off to talk him out of it. Tong steps through the ropes out to the apron and grabs the tag rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam tags in his brother Tong. Team Fairtex double DDT Andrew Karnage!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex wraps up Karnage’s legs and drops down into a figure four leglock! He clamps down on Karnage’s ankle, making him sit up in pain.
The Albuquerque crowd cheers! Kilroy Evans urges his partner to hang on in the corner. Karnage grabs his hair in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage trying to turn it over but Tong Fairtex inflicting as much damage on his knee as he can.
Andrew Karnage scoots back and is able to use that 6’5 frame to reach back and grab the bottom rope. Tommy Milligan forces Tong Fairtex to break the figure four
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage pulls himself up by the ropes and Tong Fairtex stalks him like wounded prey. He kicks Karnage in the chest, backing him into the ropes. When Karnage bounces out, Tong takes him out with a muay thai kick!
Tong Fairtex pulls Andrew Karnage up by the hair and applies a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage slips his head out, gets underneath Fairtex with a saito suplex!
The fans pop! Kilroy Evans reaches out for the tag, and Andrew Karnage begins crawling towards him. The Rio Rancho Events Center roots him on to make it
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy reaching out like Karnage is made of stuffed crust.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong tags in Phantam, who cuts off Andrew Karnage from making the tag. He mounts the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and pummels him with punches.
Phantam Fairtex climbs to the top turnbuckle as Tong irish whips Andrew Karnage into the the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong spinebusters Karnage as Phantam delivers a flying elbow off the top!! Tong knocks Kilroy off the ring apron with a muay thai elbow!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Phantam Fairtex goes to the corner and waits for Andrew Karnage to get to his feet. The crowd buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex goes for the Bull Run spear, but Karnage catches him.
Andrew Karnage double underhooks Phantam’s arms and lifts him up into a double underhook brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger Buster K!! Andrew Karnage now creeps towards his corner as Kilroy Evans slowly climbs back up to the apron!
The audience cheers on Andrew Karnage reaches out for Kilroy’s hand. Kilroy grabs the tag and extends his arm as far as it will go. Phantam Fairtex tags in Tong in the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage makes the tag!
The crowd erupts as Kilroy Evans runs into the ring like a house on fire. He tackles Phantam Fairtex from behind by jumping on his back, smashing his face into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piggyback on Phantam!
Tong Fairtex comes over to help his brother, but Kilroy grabs him and drops down into a jawbreaker. Tong’s feet bounce up and Kilroy catches them and he turns him over into a texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Jawsome on Tong! He sits back low, cranking back on Fairtex’s twisted legs!
The audience chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” Tommy Milligan asks Tong Fairtex is he wants to give up but Tong doesn’t answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex does a push up, trying to crawl over to the ropes.
Phantam Fairtex gets up and tries to give Kilroy a superkick, but Evans drops Tong’s legs and catches Phantam’s boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam went for The Big Deal, but Kilroy caught his boot! He takes him over in a dragon screw leg whip! Tong comes at him but Kilroy belly to belly suplexes him over the ropes onto the floor!!
The crowd cheers! Kilroy Evans tags Andrew Karnage and then steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans suplexes Phantam Fairtex over the ropes off the apron and onto the floor!!
Andrew Karnage pulls Tong Fairtex up on the floor and begins hammering him with forearms, as Tong responds with muay thai punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong and Karnage are brawling all over ringside!
Kilroy Evans pulls the ring steps away from the ring. He grabs the passing Phantam Fairtex as he fights with Karnage, and applies a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans full nelson facebusters Tong’s face into the apron!!
Andrew Karnage staggers over to an approaching Phantam Fairtex and grabs him around the neck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage flips Phantam onto the concrete with a sheer drop exploder!!
The audience pops! Kilroy Evans rolls Tong Fairtex onto the apron, and then climbs up there with him. He pulls Fairtex to his feet in a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans bulldogs Tong Fairtex onto the ring steps!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Tong’s face hitting the steel steps
Phillip Blauer: I think after that, he should come see me about some Phil’s Face Vitamins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage scoops Phantam Fairtex up and goes to run his head into the post, but Phantam slips off his shoulder and rams Karnage’s head into the corner post!!
Karnage drops like a bag of hammers. Phantam Fairtex comes from behind Kilroy and lifts him up on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex back suplexes Kilroy Evans on the ring steps!!
The sound of Kilroy’s body hitting the steps rings through the Rio Rancho Events Center.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phantam Fairtex pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. Tong Fairtex climbs back into the ring as Phantam rolls Andrew Karnage onto the table. Tong runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex suicide dives over the ropes onto Andrew Karnage on the table!!
The crowd cheers and Phantam rolls Andrew Karnage back into the ring. Tong Fairtex rolls back into the ring, as Phantam climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong belly to belly suplexes Karnage as Phantam swanton bombs him!! Air Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex have won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships!
The UFC theme plays as the crowd cheers. Tong Fairtex hands one of the Hardkore World Tag Team titles to Phantam and they raise the belts high in the air
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 32 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong and Phantam Fairtex have defeated the legendary Miracle Violence Combination II and now sit atop the West Coast tag team division. Phil, are you crying?
Phillip Blauer: (sniffling) I just love seeing Kilroy lose a title. It’s so beautiful.
Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans stand in front of Team Fairtex and the crowd buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Kilroy put their hands out as a show of respect.
Tong and Phantam shake their hands, and then Kilroy and Andrew Karnage hold up Tong and Phantam’s arms in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both these teams are a class act, and I would expect nothing less from these four.
Phillip Blauer: Gross.
(Trumpets sound as the spotlights locate themselves on a raised platform located above the main stage. Onto the platform steps a herald in medieval looking gear with a golden lion pictured on his tunic. He steps up to a microphone and unveils a parchment scroll.)
Herald: ALL HEAR! ALL HEAR!
Let all hear the good news and be glad!
The beast has been slain! The beast has been slain!
The beast, Marty Donovan, has been SLAIN! Slain by the hand of Syberus, the great, and first of his name.
Let it be known that the Lords of this land...
The Duke of Ashminster
The Duke of Igglebridge
The Earl of Wittchester
The Duke of Montpemberywest
Lady Mitherington
The Earl of Craisinkstone
The Duke of Featherington-le-South
Lady Wearlsnipp
And
The Duke of Icklebottom
Have decreed
In their wisdom, given by God,
That he, Syberus, the great, first of his name, be declared KING.
LONG LIVE KING SYBERUS! KING OF THE WEST!
(The crowd cheers as the trumpets sound again. The herald rolls up his parchment and leaves.)
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, I have just received word that due to his actions tonight on Simon Cruise and referee Mike Peters, Captain Righteous has been suspended for the next 30 days! Coming up is the Hardkore Women’s Championship match between Lady Liberty and former champion Mickie Fury.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the Rio Rancho Events Center cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury defeated J-ROK’s Rin Kubo in October 2023 to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship, now she attempts to do it again here tonight against Lady Liberty. She and Mary Yellowbird want some revenge for Liberty taking the title from Black Tiger at Palm Springs Punishment 2024.
Phillip Blauer: Look you can’t take these things personally.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You got out of your rental car and stopped traffic for two hours ranting about Kilroy winning the tag titles from your guys.
Phillip Blauer: That was different. I hate him.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Mickie says she’s wrestled ladies like Liberty in the past, and doesn’t think she’s got anything she hasn’t seen before. If she regains her Hardkore Women’s Championship, she promises to defend it in the other XHF territories.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, the challenger; from Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…MICKIE FURY!!!”
The fans cheer as Mickie loosens the ropes
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd with the Hardkore Women’s Championship wrapped around her waist. Domino walks underneath her, rolling her eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: There is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion with her captive manager, Domino.
Phillip Blauer: Look, finding a good manager, especially a woman, is exceedingly difficult these days. If you can steal one from someone else, literally, you’re behooved to do so.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty thinks Captain Righteous would have gotten to her one way or another, so Domino is better off with Liberty as her captor.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, works for me.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, we’ll see if Domino is a help or hindrance to her tonight as she takes on former champion Mickie Fury who’s quite the powerhouse herself. Lady Liberty is proud to hold the Hardkore Women’s Championship, a title that goes back to 1994 with Ms. Alexandria Macabre.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero bodysuit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Lady Liberty didn’t care for Mickie Fury’s words about her association with Captain Righteous…
Phillip Blauer: Me either.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. She promises defeat for Mickie Fury in her first title defense, and wants to show the fans that she is not anything like Captain Righteous.
Phillip Blauer: I’m embarrassed to say I once again needed Ms. Liberty’s services. My poor cat Scarlett…
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s still alive?
Phillip Blauer: Let me finish. Scarlett had climbed up a tree. Not wanting to bother Ms. Liberty again, I attempted to climb up there and rescue her myself. I promptly got stuck up there, and Scarlett effortlessly climbed down. Lady Liberty flew by to help me out of the tree. However, in an effort to preserve my dignity I tried to fall on my feet for the last 10 feet and landed on Scarlett.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So she’s…
Phillip Blauer: Hanging on by a thread at Cedar Sinai.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That sounds…
Phillip Blauer: Massively expensive.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent; Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds, She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
Hardkore Women’s Championship
Lady Liberty and Mickie Fury lock up in the center of the ring. Both ladies vie for strength and are on an even keel back and forth until Liberty breaks it off.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Neither of these women want to give the other an inch here.
Phillip Blauer: Well I tell you Guillermoss, I can call this one right now. I'm going with the (Phil squints) uh, astronaut? Hold on, let me get my glasses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty catches Fury with a hip toss!
Phillip Blauer: (Feeling his suit jacket) Shoot, they may be in the car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury ducks, sending Liberty into the turnbuckle. Hard right hand jab by Mickie Fury. She sends Liberty to the ropes, ducks a clothesline! Liberty turns into a spear by Fury!!
…ONE!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow this one could have been over right there!
Phillip Blauer: I would have had extra time to finish my word jumble (he gets the newspaper out and starts feeling for his glasses) - Oh shoot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury mounts Lady Liberty and lays in some forearms. She drags her back up by the hair but Liberty cuts her off and chops her to the chest.
She backs Fury into a corner and irish whips her to the opposite side, charging in after with a shoulder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What impact! Lady Liberty following up with a huge scoop slam!
…ONE!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Lady Liberty stalks Mickie Fury as the crowd chants “MICKIE! MICKIE! MICKIE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty hooks her up for a vertical suplex and crashes her to the canvas.
The Albuquerque crowd jeers as Fury's back arches off the mat in pain.
Phillip Blauer: That was quite the tumble.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty with the size and strength advantage in this one. Fury pulls herself up by the ropes and catches Liberty off guard with a shoulder block. Fury with the swinging neck breaker!
Mickie Fury uses the pause to rub her neck and get back to her feet. Lady Liberty staggers back up on her side as the crowd chant "Let's Go Fury!".
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury whips Lady Liberty overhead with a judo toss! She follows up with a spinning heel kick!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a longer two count there, a flurry of offense building for Mickie Fury the challenger for the Hardkore World Women's Championship, looking to regain that championship.
Lady Liberty blocks a right hand, and thunders down with one of her own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty with a European uppercut, sends Fury reeling. Fury comes back with a clothesline, duck by Liberty, knee lift to the abdomen- here she goes, wow what a tornado DDT!!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: I tell ya, you can't keep taking those forever and keep walking straight.
Mickie Fury rolls around clutching her head. The Rio Rancho Events Center boos Lady Liberty as she gets to her knees. Liberty pulls Fury back to a vertical base.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty forces Fury back into the corner and rocks her with some chops across the chest Fury reeling here!
The Albuquerque crowd boos. Lady Liberty catches Fury with a step up jumping knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, this could be it! Fury looks out cold here!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
The crowd on their feet as Fury keeps the match alive. Lady Liberty slaps the mat in frustration. Liberty beckons Fury to get back to her feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury catches the champion out with a leg sweep! Fury with a flapjack onto the turnbuckle!
Liberty staggers back, holding her jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury takes Liberty down with a double leg takedown and here we go, over into a boston crab!! The champion in trouble now!
Fury calling for Liberty to give it up. Liberty is shaking her head, but the pain on her face is obvious as the challenger bends her frame with that boston crab.
Phillip Blauer: Never get the crab in Boston, Gill. It’s worse than the racism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really?
Phillip Blauer: No.
Lady Liberty gets to the bottom rope and forcing Richie Richardson to tell Mickie Fury to break the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: That submission hold gave Mickie Fury time to recover though. She drops an elbow on the back of the champion's head to keep her down. She needs to buy herself all the time she can.
Both women lie on the mat recovering. Mickie Fury is the first to her feet and irish whips Lady Liberty into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, look at this! Mickie Fury with a handspring back elbow!
Lady Liberty staggers out of the corner into Fury who kicks her in the stomach. She double underhooks Liberty’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury follows up with a butterfly suplex and drops into the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
….Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury needs to stay on the offensive here. Liberty battles back with some right hands. Kick to the midsection. She goes into the ropes, but Domino trips her!
Phillip Blauer: What? Why would she do that? That little lady needs a good dose of Stockholm Syndrome and fast!
Lady Liberty gets up and asks Domino if she tripped her, but Domino plays dumb.
Guillermo O’Bannon: While Lady Liberty is distracted with Domino, Mickie Fury sneaks up on her with a roll up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
….THR- Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh my goodness, how close were we to seeing a new champion there?!
The crowd cheers as Mickie Fury motions for Lady Liberty to get to her feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury goes for the Dance Off spin kick, but Lady Liberty blocks it with her forearm!
Lady Liberty grabs Mickie by the wrist and pulls her into a rip cord bicycle knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Minor!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out
Mickie Fury staggers to her feet, but Lady Liberty grabs her around her necks and drops down into a flatliner. She wraps her leg around Fury’s head with her arms still locked for her koji clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: She applies her Seven Stars of Orion!! She clamps down on Mickie’s head while using that powerful leg to choke her.
The Albuquerque crowd jeers. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Mickie Fury refuses to tap out. Fury reaches out for the ropes but she’s stuck in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury trying to hold on as Lady Liberty chokes the life out of her. Richie Richardson checks in again, and Fury has to tap out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Domino looks down, dejected. “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays and Lady Liberty releases the Seven Stars of Orion
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 50 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Richie Richardson hands Lady Liberty the Hardkore Women’s Championship belt, and she holds it proudly over her head, while keeping a side eye on Domino at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite Domino trying to tip the scales in Mickie Fury’s favor, Lady Liberty locked on that Seven Stars of Orion and was able to get the victory.
Phillip Blauer: Imagine having the manager that you kidnapped not work towards the common goal of your success? The call is coming from inside the house, Lady Liberty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, at any rate, Lady Liberty successfully defends her Hardkore Women’s Championship, and Domino tries to do anything she can to keep those two from winning.
Lady Liberty orders Domino to the back, and walks behind her, shaking her head
A doctor in a lab coat is walking the grounds of a hospital’s outside campus. The greens are meticulously attended to
Doctor: As we all know, some mental health challenges can be dealt with on an outpatient basis, and require long term care. We know this to be true with human beings, but now there’s an opportunity to apply this to the animal kingdom.
Introducing The Mental Hospital for Pets
Doctor: Is your cat experiencing delusions of grandeur? Or your dog struggling with crippling separation anxiety? Are you having a problem with one of your fish stalking a girl fish?
Cut to inside the hospital where cats and dogs and a fish tank are strapped to wheelchairs
Doctor: If you said yes to any of these questions, you should have your pet committed. Look at our success stories. Meet Michael Shelps.
Cut to a close up of a turtle
Doctor: When Mike was brought to us, he was catatonic. Spent hours just looking out windows. But now, after intensive drug therapies, he has come out of his…um, exterior protective barrier. He has acknowledged being a selfish lover and he has committed to a course of action that includes more back rubs for his partner and asking about her day.
Cut to a close up of a turtle
Doctor: So if your chow chow is cray cray, or if your feline is on the mental decline, maybe think about having them committed? Committed to good mental health!
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: It started in Pomona, California back in August of 2022. The Sheik and The Oracles of Suffering along with Marty Donovan ganged up on Syberus, giving him the DisKnee with a chair over Syberus’ face, giving Marty a countout victory. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, The Sheik lost to Syberus in a match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship when Kilroy and Tuxedo Mask reformed The Society of the New Breed to counteract The Oracles of Suffering’s constant interference. Then in Phoenix this past March, Syberus defeated The Sheik for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. At Palm Springs Punishment 2024, The Sheik defeated Simon Cruise in a ladder match to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Tonight, the former champion The Sheik gets his rematch but this time in his wheelhouse, a falls count anywhere match. To show everyone that Syberus can get violent, he challenged Suikerbossie to a ladder match of his own in Coachella.
Phillip Blauer: That proved nothing. Suikerbossie is not The Sheik. And Malcolm Xavier Graves is not Mein van Houten. He can’t mop to save his life.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Rio Rancho Events Center boos. The Sheik walks out, threatening to backhand members of the audience. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is looking to be a three time Hardkore West Coast Champion. He hates Syberus from their previous battles, so it would make it all the more sweet to take it from him.
The Sheik smacks a UK flag out of a fan’s hands, while another fan gets on camera holding up his “Cruise Dudes” sign
Greg Jin: “The following is a Falls Count Anywhere match that is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger. He is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter in Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd boos and The Sheik almost leaves the ring to go attack them
The opening chords of "Seven Nation Army" by Stantough fill the air as the Rio Rancho Events Center goes black. As the music picks up, torches of flame gently flicker into life either side of the entrance and lining the ramp. After a few moments, courtiers wearing King Syberus's heraldry carry him out on a throne held on their shoulders
Phillip Blauer: As an American, this upsets me deeply. We fought a war to get rid of kings. My great great grandfather was at the Boston Tea Party.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, I didn’t know that. He was one of the people who threw the tea in the harbor?
Phillip Blauer: Well, no, he was in a dinghy fishing the tea out of the water to sell to the depleted market at a huge upsell.
The crowd roars as King Syberus is carried towards the ring, and he holds a hand up in an appreciative salute to them all.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has declared himself not only Hardkore West Coast Champion, but the King of the West.
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t vote for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t vote for kings.
Phillip Blauer: And that’s how you get Charles running things.
Once at the base of the ramp, steps are lowered from Syberus's throne in order for him to climb down. He approaches the ring and is followed by several of the courtiers, who then assist him in removing his crown, deep red cloak and chainmail shirt.
Phillip Blauer: Isn’t that Pork Dirkmeyer?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, and The Martian, Sami Ielemia, The Scorpion, Sweet Bone Daddy, Joseph Hart, Dana Daniels, and is that…yeah, that’s Apisai Paisi.
Phillip Blauer: Why are they carrying him to the ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure beatings were threatened.
Phillip Blauer: What kind of king rules by violence and intimidation?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think all of them.
King Syberus then steps up onto the ring apron, wipes his feet, and steps through the ropes. He climbs a turnbuckle with the Hardkore West Coast Championship strapped around his waist, and raises two open hands in acknowledgement of the crowd.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus has…
Phillip Blauer: You’re not going to call him King Syberus, are you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look, I’m half Irish. Not recognizing their kings has caused a lot of problems for us, so I’m just going to avoid that whole situation. King Syberus wrestled for an hour at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 with Marty Donovan, scoring the only victory. He thinks after that, The Sheik should be easy.
Phillip Blauer: He’s going to change his mind after the first chair is tossed at his crown.
Yolanda Ando: King Syberus wears long silver tights with boots, kick pads and knee pads all in a contrasting dark brown to resemble leather. From the waist down front and back he wears a knee length tabard of deep red with a golden lion rampant emblazoned in the center front.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Our co-main event starts right now!
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KING SYBERUS!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd gives him a huge ovation as Syberus holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Syberus cautiously goes for a lock up but The Sheik backs up
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik knows that his bread and butter, or his pita and hummus as it were, is not trading arm bars with Syberus. This is a falls count anywhere match, and if he is to win back his Hardkore West Coast title, it has to be with violence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik moves in, but Syberus takes him over into a snap mare. He arm drags Sheik over, and then flips him over into an ippon seoi nage judo flip. King Syberus grabs a front facelock.
Syberus locks his hands together and pulls back on Sheik’s head and neck. Sheik fruitlessly tries to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus’ first match in New Mexico was when he defeated “The Punisher” Dan Stein in the quarterfinals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. A year later in May of 2006 this is where he won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Robert Hunglestien III. In September of 2007, he successfully defended that Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Lucifer Jones. In January 2010, he defeated Frank Jasper. In May of 2012, he booked himself in an 8 man elimination match with let’s say, lesser competition so that he could win the Hardkore West Coast Championship. The last time Syberus was here was in December of 2022 when he, Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lost a texas tornado match to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Aha! So he’s not “undefeated in Albuquerque”, he is in fact The King of Lies!
The Sheik works his way to his feet with Syberus hanging onto the front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus goes for a suplex, but The Sheik floats over onto his feet behind him. Syberus does a go behind into a rear waistlock. The Sheik runs forward and pitches both men through the second and top rope!
Phillip Blauer: Well that was fast.
The Sheik gets up and pulls Syberus up by the hair, leading him over into the aisleway. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from underneath the ring and sets it up in the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes King Syberus’ head into the railing! He tosses Syberus over the railing into the audience!
Sheik steps over the railing into the crowd, and threatens the fans to get back. He grabs a folding chair from one of the empty ones
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik smashes King Syberus in the back with a steel chair!
Sheik rolls Syberus over the railing onto the chair in the aisle. He pulls back the railing a little and then climbs on top of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off the railing and leg drops King Syberus through the table in the aisle!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos as both men lie in the aisle. The Sheik makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backs up and runs at him, but King Syberus catches him and hot shots his throat on the railing!
The crowd comes to life! Syberus leans Sheik’s throat against the railing and then backs up down the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus leg lariats the back of Sheik’s head, pushing his throat into the guardrail!
Syberus pulls him up into a headlock, and the audience laughs at the inappropriate move
Phillip Blauer: He will somehow find a way to make a falls count anywhere match boring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik plants his feet and back suplexes King Syberus out on the aisle!
The Albuquerque crowd jeers. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls another table out from underneath the ring and he and The Sheik lift it over the railing into the front row of the audience. The Sheik and MXG work together to unhinge the railing and open it up. The Sheik scoops Syberus up and bodyslams him onto the table. He steps up onto the apron, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik asai moonsaults Syberus through the table in the front row!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos. Syberus holds his ribs, and The Sheik makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
uses the seat of a chair to pull himself up off of the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up, but King Syberus ties up their legs and snaps back into a russian leg sweep against the railing!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of The Sheik’s head hitting the steel. Syberus pulls Sheik up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus full nelson drops The Sheik’s ass into a standing chair!
The chair breaks under Sheik’s weight. Sheik holds his ass, and kicks his heels into the floor in pain. Syberus tries to pick up the broken chair and use it, but sees it’s useless and discards it. He gets another chair and sets it up, and sits The Sheik on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks the sitting Sheik with a few elbows while he’s in that chair. He smashes Sheik with a few european uppercuts, and then backs up into the first row. He runs and takes out The Sheik with a big boot to the face! The Tilted Lance!!
The audience roars and starts chanting “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” Syberus gives them a royal wave and doesn’t see Malcolm Xavier Graves hand The Sheik a chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses a chair at King Syberus’ head, and it wraps around his neck!!
Phillip Blauer: (in an Eric Idle accent) Message for you, sir!
Syberus lies on the floor with the chair wrapped around his neck. He takes it off of himself, and stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik cracks him in the back with another chair!! He lifts it over his head and bashes King Syberus over the head!!
The Albuquerque crowd lets out another “OH!” and Syberus goes down in the third row of the audience. Sheik threatens a fan to get out of his seat, and then puts Syberus in the fan’s seat. He rolls onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik springboard moonsaults off the second rope, but King Syberus moves out of the way and Sheik just hits the chair!!
The New Mexico crowd pops. Sheik holds his stomach and his face is a mask of agony. Syrus makes the cover out in the third row
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Syberus pulls him up by the hair and leads him over to the announce position
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus smashes The Sheik’s face into our announce table! Again!
Phillip Blauer: My flash fried chicken tempura medallions!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Phil’s chicken nuggets are everywhere!
Syberus climbs up to the apron, but Malcolm Xavier Graves supplies The Sheik with another chair, and Sheik backs up to give himself some space
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses another chair at Syberus’ head!
Syberus goes down to one knee on the apron, holding the second rope for balance
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so the King of the West bends the knee for The Great King of Terror.
Guillermo O’Bannon: From the floor, The Sheik bodyslams Syberus off the apron to the concrete!
Syberus arches his back in pain. The Sheik sets up a chair at ringside, and sits Syberus in the chair, then rolls back into the ring. Sheik hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives through the ropes onto the sitting King Syberus, smashing him into the guardrail!!
The audience boos. The Sheik applies a Le Bell lock on Syberus on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik with the LeBell lock on Syberus at ringside! The last time Sheik was here was in December of 2022 when he lost a steel cage match for the Hardkore West Coast Championship to Eron Hunter. Tonight, he hopes to win that belt for a third time in a falls count anywhere over King Syberus!
The Sheik rocks back with King Syberus’ head and arm, putting pressure on the elbow and shoulder. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Syberus refuses to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik continuing to lock those hands and lean back on the LeBell lock as King Syberus attempts to hold on to the Hardkore West Coast Championship! The last time the Hardkore West Coast title changed hands in Albuquerque was in February of 2010, when James Fierce won it over Kilroy Evans in the double pin situation. Could the title change hands again in this same town 14 years later?
Syberus continues to say no to Kelly’s questions, so The Sheik finally releases the LeBell lock and sits Syberus in a chair at ringside. He climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik hops off the middle of the second rope with a springboard heel kick to the sitting Syberus at ringside!!
The crowd jeers. Sheik rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in there. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair
Phillip Blauer: What are they doing in the ring?! Is Sheik lost?
The Sheik snapmares King Syberus over so he’s in a sitting position. He grabs the chair and hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik springboard van daminators the chair into King Syberus’ face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Sheik tosses Syberus through the ropes out onto the apron. He steps out onto the apron with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops him up, but King Syberus floats over behind him in an inverted facelock, and then reverse DDTs him on the apron!!
The crowd leaps to their feet! The Sheik lies prone on the apron, while Syberus recovers on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves sets up a table at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus pulls him off the apron and into a front facelock. He positions him over the chair, and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker with Sheik’s head smacking the back of that chair!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves stomps the back of King Syberus’ head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus stands right up, looking at MXG!
The Rio Rancho Events Center comes unglued as a bug eyed Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to explain his position to an angry Syberus
Phillip Blauer: Oh, what a benevolent king. Picking on a man with a cane.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus telling Graves he’s had just about enough of him.
Phillip Blauer: But here comes The Sheik!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sees him out of the back of his head somehow, and hip tosses Sheik hard on the concrete!
Sheik sits up in pain, and Malcolm Xavier Graves uses the opportunity to skedaddle to the other side of the ring. Syberus rolls onto the apron and stands up, grabbing an approaching Sheik by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jabs him in the stomach to free his hair from Syberus’ grasp. Malcolm Xavier Graves tosses him a chair, and Sheik launches it from the floor to Syberus on the apron!
The crowd lets out an “OH!” at the sound of the chair bouncing off of Syberus’ skull. He slumps into a sitting position on the second rope as Sheik climbs onto the apron with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik pulls him over towards the turnbuckles, but King Syberus smashes him with a european uppercut. He bashes Sheik’s head into the turnbuckles a couple times, but Sheik mule kicks him between the legs.
The Sheik steps through the ropes back into the ring. He sets up a chair by the ropes in front of Syberus and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik vaults off the chair over the ropes into a cross body that puts King Syberus through the table behind them!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Sheik rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in. He places the chair over his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps onto the ropes with a slingshot moonsault onto the chair over Syberus’ face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik appears to have hurt his knee a little hitting that chair, and is slow to get up.
Syberus pulls himself up by the ropes, and sees Sheik struggling. He comes over and kicks Sheik in the shin
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus with another hard kick to Sheik’s knee. He basement dropkicks Sheik’s kneecap.
Sheik goes down, holding his knee. Syberus slides down his knee pad, and knee drops Sheik’s kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer! King Syberus wraps up Sheik’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf!
The crowd cheers as King Syberus plants his feet and pulls back on The Sheik’s legs. Malcolm Xavier Graves begs him not to tap out at ringside
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik gambled by taking the match back into the ring, and now he’s paying the price.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus bending The Sheik in half in that cloverleaf. He’s shaking his head, refusing to give up to referee Kelly O’Connell.
The Sheik reaches out for the ropes, but they’re too far away. Syberus cranks back on Sheik’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik finally does a push up and rolls out of the texas cloverleaf, sending King Syberus tumbling through the ropes. The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over the ropes into a crossbody on Syberus on the floor!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs back up onto the apron, hops onto the middle of the second rope and springboards back into an elbow that knocks King Syberus back into the steel railing!
Malcolm Xavier Graves sets up another table, and he and The Sheik rolls Syberus on top of it. Graves hands The Sheik a chair as he climbs up to the apron
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off the apron with an arabian facebuster legdrop with that chair on King Syberus through the table!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik lifts him up into a suplex, but Syberus floats over into an inverted facelock, then twists into his sister abigail on the floor! Kingdom Come!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Seven Nation Army" by Stantough plays as Syberus pulls himself up by the guardrail
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KING SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus remains The King of the West!
Syberus takes his crown and Hardkore West Coast Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and places the crown on his head crookedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: In a match not even close to his wheelhouse, King Syberus comes in and defeats The Sheik at his own game, defending that Hardkore West Coast Championship!
Malcolm Xavier Graves complains about a fast count to Kelly O’Connell, while Syberus walks down the aisle, waving to the fans
The Oscar winning picture is now a magical adventure on the ice!
Highlights of Goodfellas on Ice play. An extremely not-Italian ice skater in a brunette wig has the lone spotlight
Henry: (singing) “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”
An aggressive Scott Hamilton dressed as Tommy skates towards Henry who skates backwards in perfect time with him. Tommy sings a patter song
Tommy: (singing) Do ya think I’m funny? Like a clown? Is it my voice or da way I tell a story?
An ice skater from Fargo with a brunette wig, hits all the buttons on a fake wall as dramatic music plays
Karen: (singing operatically) You have A WHORE!!! A whore living in 2R! Janet Rossi is nothing but a WHORE!!!
A chorus line celebrates as Tommy gets lead through them
“Tommy’s gonna get made, he’s gonna get made, Oh Nooooooooo!!!”
Tommy gets shot through the face and bleeds out on the ice. You can hear a pin drop in the arena as the blood effect pumps out, spurt by spurt. You can hear one guy coughing
Then cut to the ice skater in a bad wig, skating glumly around the ice with a spotlight on him
Henry: (singing) I’m nothing but a schnook.
I used to do scores, getting bags filled with jewels
Now instead of marinara, I get ketchup with egg noodles
Goodfellas on Ice!
The reviews are in!
“The scene where they showed us how they sliced the garlic in prison went on way too long!”
“Murray’s wig was on the ice for the rest of the show and I couldn’t look away.”
“Paulie was actually a relatively small time soldier of John Gotti, but because Goodfellas came out before Gotti was convicted of anything, they had to remove most mentions of him. I just thought everyone should know that!”
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our main event of the night here in Albuquerque. Back in February, Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man put out a challenge in Ontario, California to whomever could be in the best commercial would receive a title shot. His partner in the Epcot Mafia, Marty Donovan’s commercial was deemed the best and he received the title shot. After defeating Kilroy Evans in a dog collar cage match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, The Philthy Rich tried to attack Kilroy after the match.
Phillip Blauer: Right, the thing I paid extra for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: However, some wires got crossed, and Marty wound up giving Florida the DisKnee. In Coachella, they had a contract signing where they found out their common enemy Kilroy Evans would be the special referee. When Kilroy went to attack you, Florida Man stabbed him with a pen.
Phillip Blauer: My hero.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship ran down and Philthy Rich put the boots to Kilroy.
Phillip Blauer: That was my Christmas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Hardkore Tuvalu came down to the ring to even the odds.
Phillip Blauer: A couple of weirdos coming down to Grinch up my Christmas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Tuvalu challenged both Florida Man and Marty to a match later on that evening. The Epcot Mafia won, but not before Florida Man returned the “accident” and Marcechochicknee’d him off the apron onto the floor.
Phillip Blauer: Accidents happen. It’s what the birthday card from your parents used to say every year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Florida Man makes his next title defense against his partner that held the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship title together with common enemy Kilroy Evans as the special guest referee.
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Albuquerque fans cheer for Kilroy’s second appearance of the night. A sweaty Kilroy Evans walks out in a referee t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He waves to the crowd and slaps some hands of the outstretched arms of the ringside fans
Phillip Blauer: I can’t do two Kilroy matches a night. I have human rights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No you don’t. (Phil scoffs) Kilroy will be a fair official in my opinion, because he has issues with both men in this match up.
Phillip Blauer: That cannot make sense to you. The only place that roadkill aficionado wants to see the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is around his hairy waist. I’d rather have Richie referee this match. That’s not true. Who’s that little twerp with the underbite?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Randy Valentine Jr., and that’s mean. Besides, he’s the timekeeper.
Phillip Blauer: I got a stopwatch on my iPhone. We should be fine.
Kilroy Evans climbs into the ring and says hi to Greg Jin, the ring announcer. Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully.
“Dope the Big Lie” by Chunky A starts playing and Marty Donovan walks down to the ring. Phil is cabbage patching at the announce table
Guillermo O’Bannon: My God, what is this?
Phillip Blauer: A little too street for you, eh, chum? Why this is Chunky A.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right, Arsenio Hall’s fat rap guy character.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know what the devil an Arsenio is? But Chunky A is a street prophet. “If God would have given us wings, if he wanted us high”. You said it, brother. While Chunky A had such feel good hits as “Girlfriend Got Stank Breath” and “Owww”, this song was a change of pace. A warning to the millions of children and young TV anchors that idolized Chunky. That dope, whatever that is, is bad and celebrities like Chunk believe we should not be doing it. Inspiring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe it will inspire Marty Donovan to regain the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship that he lost at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. This match has had an awkwardness as these two partners and stablemates try to keep things civil. They held the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships for an impressive 148 days, winning them from Rage and Cage in Cornwall, England in November of 2023 before losing them to the Oblivion Death Squad in Melbourne, Australia in April.
Yolanda Ando: Marty is wearing red speedos with Phil’s face on them. He wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with Phil on the knees.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty bought a Bojangles in Attbury, South Carolina and offered special referee Kilroy Evans a lifetime of free food.
Phillip Blauer: It wouldn’t be a match of my two best guys if there weren’t a little bribery involved. It's how it’s done between two pros.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is hoping to win back his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from a man who knows him inside and out from being his teammate for those 148 days.
Phillip Blauer: And a Man, a Florida Man, who already sent one surfboard to hell tonight.
Yolanda Ando: This is the weirdest job.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the Albuquerque crowd boos as Florida Man walks out with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Speaking of impressive reigns, Florida Man seemingly came out of nowhere to upset Kilroy Evans in February, and has defended it against Simon Cruise in Phoenix and a rematch against Kilroy Evans in that dog collar cage match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Tonight he puts it on the line against the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and his ex-tag team partner, Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: It won’t be easy to keep this stable together after this match, but if there are two people you can count on to be professional, it’s an unstable meth cook in a gator mask and Marty Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You really are so bad at this. Florida Man feels this is a once in a lifetime match he and Marty are about to have. Initially to him, this is Rocky 3.
Phillip Blauer: Would that make me, Clubber Lang?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think you’re more like Paulie with a better shave.
Phillip Blauer: To my Hardkore World Champion and hopefully patsy Florida Man, this is a chance at immortality, to put on the greatest match ever with his best friend. Now, Florida was a little hurt by Marty opening up a territory named after his friend and then not inviting him…
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? Florida is a state. He didn’t name it after Florida Man.
Yolanda Ando: Florida Man wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Florida Gators tee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. After considering the Hardkore Florida slight, Florida Man now sees this as Rocky 4, with him being Drago and Marty being Apollo Creed.
Phillip Blauer: That would make me both Adrian and Bridgette Nielson.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, this is the main event of the evening!”
The Rancho Rio Events Center gives Greg a loud ovation
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kilroy Evans!”
The audience cheers loudly as Kilroy waves back at them. Florida Man and Marty Donovan both scowl at him
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, the challenger. From Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 218 pounds…MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd jeers Donovan who does an old fashioned double wrist shake over both shoulders
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
The fans boo Florida Man loudly as he holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Kilroy Evans gives Florida Man and Marty Donovan the final instructions as they stare at one another
Phillip Blauer: Cripes, is this really necessary? How are two men in a World title match and don’t know the rules to professional wrestling yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is just making sure there’s no confusion on either of their parts.
Florida Man and Marty go to lock up, but Kilroy calls a halt to the proceedings
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas, what now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans patting down Marty to make sure there are no foreign objects in his tights, boots…and now his hair?
Kilroy Evans then turns to Florida Man, who warns Kilroy not to touch him. Kilroy points to the Hardkore World insignia on Tommy Milligan’s stretched out t-shirt, and threatens to disqualify him
Phillip Blauer: Look at this abuse of power. ACAB! ACAB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you even know what that means?
Phillip Blauer: Of course. All Carolinians Are Bastards.
Kilroy Evans pats down Florida Man, and immediately finds a fried chicken drumstick tucked in his overalls. The audience does a drawn out “Ooooh” as Florida Man gestures apologetically towards a disappointed Marty
Phillip Blauer: Come on, he planted that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now dutifully eating the foreign object so it cannot be used.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t believe we have to wait for him to finish.
Kilroy then steps through the ropes out to the floor and asks Guillermo to stand up
Phillip Blauer: You don’t have to do that, Guillermo. ACAB! ACAB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have nothing to hide, Phil.
Kilroy Evans starts patting down Guillermo, and finds a flask in his inside pocket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh that? Oh. That’s…um, Snapple? No, I…need that for…I’ve had a cold recently and…
Kilroy apologetically puts the flask back in Guillermo’s pocket, and pats O’Bannon’s breast pocket. Then he asks Phil to stand up
Phillip Blauer: I will be doing no such thing. I know my rights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, Phil. He’s a referee now.
Phillip Blauer: Why does he have to search the announcers? So the rest of the world can know about your functional alcoholism?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, I’ve got a red eye to Santa Fe tonight and I don’t want to spend all night at the Albuquerque airport turning down turquoise saleswomen.
Phillip Blauer: Fine!
Kilroy pats down Phil and immediately finds brass knuckles
Phillip Blauer: I have a perfectly good reason for those. I use them to knead dough for my famous cashew pizza.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You should be fined just for that.
Kilroy finds a lighter and flash paper in Phil’s coat pocket
Phillip Blauer: That’s for my magic show later. For blind children.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How would they see the tricks?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know maybe the power of imagination?!?
Kilroy continues the pat down and finds a large bag of talcum powder
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I can explain…that is…cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. I have a huge problem.
Kilroy Evans: Yeeeeeer outta here!!
Phillip Blauer: What?! You can’t kick me out? Are you crazy??
Phil starts kicking dirt on Kilroy’s shoes, so Evans does the same as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. drags Phil away
Phillip Blauer: Larry?! What are you doing? Lare Bear?!?!
With a heavy heart, Larry Valentine Jr. drags Phil to the back. Kilroy Evans slides back into the ring and asks if both Florida Man and Marty Donovan if they’re ready. Both incredulously say that they are. Yolanda Ando sits next to Guillermo as the next in line as announcer of their YouTube dark matches. Kilroy signals for the bell
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Guillermo O’Bannon: And we’re underway! Florida Man punches Marty over and over backing him into a corner. He climbs up on the turnbuckles and hammers him with forearms.
The Albuquerque crowd counts along until they get to eight, when Marty Donovan grabs Florida’s legs and walks him out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan inverted atomic drops Florida Man! Florida Man clutches his balls, drops down to his knees, and then delivers a low blow on Marty! Both men down!
Yolanda Ando: Not my area of expertise, but I believe both men are doing this for attention.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I assure you, they are not.
Yolanda shrugs. Kilroy Evans starts on the double count
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Both men lie flat, holding their balls
FIVE!
SIX!
Yolanda Ando: This really seems excessive.
SEVEN!
Marty rolls on his side, while Florida Man gets on his hands and knees
EIGHT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We might have a double countout if neither man can get to his feet.
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets to his feet and this match will continue! He kicks Marty Donovan in the stomach, and then begins choking him!
Yolanda Ando: I thought these guys were friends?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s probably fine with some light strangulation between friends. Florida Man now biting Donovan!
Yolanda Ando: That doesn’t seem like light biting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is not. Donovan finally pushes him off, and tries to kick him, but Florida Man catches his leg. Marty swings around with an enzuigiri!
The audience boos. Marty pulls Florida Man up by the mask and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan tumbles into a rolling wheel kick!
Yolanda Ando: I was gonna say something about educated feet, but then I remembered it was Marty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s ok, you’ll get it. Marty pulls him up into a full nelson and then dragon suplexes Florida Man with a nice bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty kicks Florida Man in the stomach, takes him over in a side headlock takedown, and then applies a pluma blanca!
The Rio Rancho Events Center jeers as Marty Donovan clamps down on the head scissors while trying to separate Florida’s arm from the rest of his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan trying to win his second Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in Albuquerque. Marty’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2006 when he lost his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in a ladder match. In September of 2007, he and Dougie Ray Bullet lost to The Fists of Blood in a four weapons on a pole match for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. In January 2010, he successfully defended the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship over Lucifer Jones in a steel cage match. In May of 2012, he, Kota, and The Shootfighter lost to Andrew Karnage, Bruno, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson. The last time Marty was here was in December of 2022 when he, Alexander Von Blankenship, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane defeated Tuxedo Mask, Syberus, and Kilroy Evans in a texas tornado match.
Kilroy Evans keeps asking Florida Man if he wants to give up, but gets obscenities in return
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize that you had to hear that, Yolanda.
Yolanda Ando: Nothing is as offensive as those coveralls with that straw hat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan rocks back with Florida Man’s arm, but the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion finally gets to the ropes.
Kilroy Evans calls for a break, but Marty continues to wear down Florida Man with pluma blanca, ignoring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans stomps Marty, making him release the pluma blanca!
Yolanda Ando: Marty not used to having to listen to a referee.
Marty Donovan gets up and shoves Kilroy. The audience boos. Kilroy cocks back to punch Donovan, and Marty covers his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty has his face covered, so he doesn’t see Florida Man come over the ropes with a slingshot punch!
Yolanda Ando: Not sure I’ve ever seen that move, nor wanted to.
Florida Man sweeps Marty’s arm towards his body with his foot, and then pulls off an imaginary elbow pad and pretends to throws it into the crowd
Yolanda Ando: Is he miming?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man hits the ropes, comes back, does a little shimmy, and then drops the people’s elbow.
Yolanda Ando: The Rock is kind of from Florida, so I guess he has permission.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man applies a claw. He pushes down on Marty’s forehead with that palm, while squeezing his temples with his fingers.
Kilroy Evans crouches down, asking Marty if he wants to give up. Florida Man warns Kilroy to stay away from him but Evans points to Tommy Milligan’s stretched out t-shirt again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty fights his way to his feet, but Florida Man still has that claw on. Donovan punches Florida in the stomach a few times to break the claw. Florida Man irish whips him into the ropes, but Marty comes back with a flying forearm!
Florida Man sprawls out, and Marty Donovan kips up to his own amusement. He pulls Florida up by the mask and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan follows him in with a jarring dropkick!
Marty Donovan sweeps Florida Man’s legs out from under him in the corner. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slingshots over the ropes into a dropkick to Florida Man sitting against the turnbuckles!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” at Florida Man squishing against the turnbuckles. Donovan grabs him by the leg and drags him out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty wraps his legs around Florida Man’s leg and drops down into a cross kneebar!
Florida Man sits up in pain, and when Marty wrenches on his knee again, he falls back down to the mat. Kilroy Evans sees his shoulders down and counts
…ONE!
…Florida Man sits back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan arches his back, twisting Florida Man’s knee in a bad position.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan trying to make Florida Man’s knee as crooked as his teeth.
Kilroy Evans asks Florida Man if he wants to give up, but doesn’t get an answer. Florida Man lies back down in anguish, and Kilroy counts his shoulders down
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man sits back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man kicks Marty off with his free leg. He hobbles to his feet and Miami Dolphin Kicks Donovan before he can get to his feet!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” as Marty’s head rocks back
Yolanda Ando: He really is quite limber in those overalls.
Florida Man steps through the ropes out onto the apron. The crowd jeers. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida with a slingshot punch! He flips into a standing senton across Donovan’s stomach!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pulls Marty up by the hair and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below!
The audience winces at the awkward way that Marty Donovan landed on the concrete
Yolanda Ando: That did not look good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan finally pulls himself up by the apron, but Florida Man comes off the ropes with a baseball slide kick!
Marty Donovan is propelled hard into the steel guardrail, and the clang rings through the Rio Rancho Events Center. Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle with his back toward Marty against the railing. He hops backward into a coffin drop that smashes Marty into the railing again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leap of Faith on Marty against that railing!!
Both Donovan and Florida Man lie on the floor as the audience buzzes with concern. Florida Man finally gets to his feet and pulls Donovan up by the hair. He rolls Marty back into the ring, but then hangs Donovan’s head off the side of the apron. Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man comes off the top with a guillotine leg drop that nearly decapitates Marty Donovan!!
Donovan rolls to the floor, while Florida Man recovers by the ringpost. The crowd boos Florida Man. He slides a table out from underneath the ring, and sets it up at ringside. He loads Marty onto the table and then climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida runs along the apron and leaps off with a big splash but Donovan rolls out of the way, and FML goes right through the table!!
The crowd pops for the table breaking. Florida Man lies in the cracked in half table, as Marty Donovan slowly crawls onto the apron. He pulls himself up by the ropes, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope, backflipping into an asai moonsault DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing on the concrete!!
Yolanda Ando: The wreckage is everywhere!
Marty Donovan slides back into the ring. Kilroy orders Marty to remain in the ring, but Marty slaps his hand away. Donovan runs into the ropes and gets some momentum
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan somersaults over the ropes into a senton on Florida Man on the floor, smacking him into the railing!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH” in reaction to Florida Man’s body hitting the steel.
Yolanda Ando: Marty better learn to keep his hands to himself if he doesn’t want to deal with Kilroy one way or the other.
Marty Donovan rolls Florida Man back into the ring, and then climbs up to the apron. He propels himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan catches Florida Man with a springboard tornado DDT!!
The impact bounces Florida Man up to his knees, and then he falls flat on his face. Marty Donovan rolls him over into a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his foot on the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tapping Marty on the shoulder to tell him that Florida Man’s foot is on the ropes, and Marty again, pushes Kilroy away.
Yolanda Ando: So far, Kilroy has called this completely down the middle. Marty has no reason to be mad with his officiating.
The audience boos as Marty throws his arms up, asking Kilroy why he didn’t count to three. Kilroy points to the bottom rope, asserting that Florida Man got his foot on there. Marty kicks the ropes in frustration, and then turns around into a superkick to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is blindsided by Sweet Crotch Music!
Kilroy urges Florida Man to keep his kicks above the belt, but he ignores Evans. Florida Man hooks Marty’s leg and then lifts him up into a cradle DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Banana Peel Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
When Florida Man gets back to his feet, Kilroy gets in his face. He warns him that he’ll disqualify Florida if he continues to do low blows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy was hoping for a clean contest and seems not to be satisfied with both men’s behavior.
Yolanda Ando: That’s a pretty big club right now.
Florida Man uses the ropes to jump on Marty Donovan’s back over and over like a trampoline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Touch The Sky!! Over and over, Florida Man double stomps Marty’s back!
Kilroy has finally seen enough and pulls Florida Man off of Marty. He screams at him to stop using the ropes for leverage. Florida Man finally reaches into his overalls
Yolanda Ando: (to Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr.) Um, maybe we should cut to another shot, Danny?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, she’s right, Danny. No one needs to see this…(screams) Ahhh! Oh wait, it’s a SNAP Debit card?
Florida Man offers to split this month’s check with Kilroy if he lets him win. The boos rain down on him, as he explains the complicated scheme that would probably get Kilroy two years for fraud
Yolanda Ando: He’s the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and he’s still receiving government assistance?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in the day, that was a lot of guys.
Kilroy Evans slaps the SNAP card out of Florida Man’s hand and into the stands. The Albuquerque fans that aren’t tussling for the card, gasp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans will not be bribed by anything that doesn’t come in a bucket with a large fountain drink!
Florida Man cracks Kilroy Evans with a roundhouse right and the audience gasps again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kira’s Jawbreaker to Kilroy, the referee!
Kilroy staggers back and Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan catches him from behind with a reverse huracanrana, drilling his head into the mat!!
Both men stand over Kilroy Evans, looking down on him. Then Florida Man turns towards Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan ducks a Kira’s Jawbreaker and german suplexes him…but there’s no referee!
Yolanda Ando: I wonder why?
Marty Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle and points to the announce position
Yolanda Ando: Aw, that’s sweet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s looking for Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Why would anyone do that?
Donovan jumps off the second turnbuckle with a panama sunrise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty goes for a Costa Pacifica Sunrise, but Florida Man back drops him! He lifts Marty up into a suplex, and then drops him on his head with a Mindblower brainbuster!
Florida Man irish whips Marty into the ropes and hits him with a high angle knee strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marcechochicknee!! He bounces off the ropes and hits a leg drop! He makes the cover but Kilroy is not there to count!
Florida Man slaps the mat over and over and yells at Kilroy to get up and make the count
Yolanda Ando: Why if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Florida Man pulls Marty Donovan up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes again, and dips down for a backdrop. But Donovan double underhooks his arms, and flips him into a tiger driver ‘98
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ollie Driver ‘22!!
Kilroy Evans quickly comes to life and slides over to make the pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Albuquerque fans boo and Marty Donovan collapses to his side in exhaustion. “Dope the Big Lie” by Chunky A plays and Kilroy Evans goes to get the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 51 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN, HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Kilroy Evans hands an intimidated Marty Donovan the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Marty quickly snatches it away from him and backs away. He turns around and holds the title belt up in triumph
Guillermo O’Bannon: You have to hand it to them, that was an amazing match. Florida Man and Marty Donovan double teamed Kilroy out of frustration, and it cost them both on their subsequent pin attempts. But Marty Donovan hit that Ollie Driver ‘22 to become a two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
Florida Man holds the back of his head and staggers to his feet. Marty Donovan steps down from the ropes and turns around to meet Florida Man’s gaze.
Yolanda Ando: Now we see if they’re partnership can withstand a devastating world title loss from one to the other.
Florida Man and Marty Donovan are chest to chest, panting. Suddenly Phil Blauer runs down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: “Wait! Wait!”
Phil Blauer steps into the ring and gets between Marty and Florida Man. He pulls out a wad of bills and holds it up between them, like Undertaker’s urn. Florida Man and Marty get a gleam in their eyes and stare at it
Yolanda Ando: This is weird.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who knows why Phil has this kind of bizarre hold over these two?
Yolanda Ando: Well, it’s money isn’t?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s anybody’s guess! But we have a new Hardkore World Champion here tonight, Marty Donovan! Join us in Las Vegas next month fans, where we will have a Wargames match!
Fade back up on Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr., along with Hardkore Intern Andy Valentine Jr. taking down the cage. Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: So you’re back? What happened to having to pee?
Phillip Blauer: Funniest thing. False alarm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So I guess Anthony Jordan is Philthy Rich now too?
Phillip Blauer: Hey, you’re not as dumb as that tie makes you look.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, coming up is the first title defense of another Philthy Rich member, Hardkore California Champion Alexander Von Blankenship putting his title on the line against Tuxedo Mask.
“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and the Rio Rancho Events Center boos. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain and stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the boos. He walks to the other side of the ramp. Tux pumps up the fans to boo him on that side as well.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask first wrestled in Albuquerque in January 2010 when he lost to Tric. The last time he was here was in December of 2022 when he teamed with Syberus, and Kilroy Evans in a losing effort to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane in a texas tornado match. Tonight he hopes to gain some revenge on AVB by taking his Hardkore California Championship.
Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. He slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of boos before preparing for the match
Phillip Blauer: Why do they boo his flippery now? You can’t win with these people.
Yolanda Ando: Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Greg Jin: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger; from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!!!"
The fans boo. Tuxedo Mask looks out at the sea of “TUX SUX!” signs in the crowd
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face and the Hardkore California Championship strapped around his waist. Hasbulla follows behind, blowing his whistle and pointing at the belt. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: The Blessed Era has begun!
Guillermo O’Bannon: In between needlessly interrupting a legend’s like John “Catman” Wilder’s lifetime achievement award ceremony and making his feelings for Lady Liberty known, Alexander Von Blankenship was able to fit in winning his first singles title, defeating Joe Nobody for the Hardkore California Championship in a steel cage match, with the use of a combination lock in a sock.
Phillip Blauer: And did Nobody mind? Let’s ask him. Oh, he’s not here. How silly of me.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: In Coachella, he…
Phillip Blauer: That was sarcasm, by the way.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I got it, Phil. In Coachella, after Syrus Wilder’s win over “The Ring Rat” Joseph Hart, he came down to try and rile Wilder up even more.
Phillip Blauer: What can you do? The kid likes riling.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You know, Phil. He’s not your son. You don’t have to excuse everything he does.
Phillip Blauer: I know that. But if I had a son, I think he’d be a little something like AVB.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s not actually far off.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly " I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Rat Boy”, “Ain’t Very Bright” in Alexander Von Blankenship’s logo, a 35 year old looking tattered sign that says “John ‘Catman’ Wilder, and “AVB’s Gonna Get Run Over By Syrus The Steam Whistle''. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try to touch him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As usual, AVB doesn’t have much regard for his opponent, a former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion. He claims this is the beginning of a long reign where he will establish the Hardkore California Championship as one of the top titles in XHF.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the ring. He gives the cage the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing dark blue Adidas sweatpants, shirtless, with his hands taped like a boxer, with AVB written across the knuckles.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tells you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Second Generation Jackpot, The Heavenly Heathen; Always Very Blessed; He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The audience boos as Hasbulla blows his whistle in front of AVB holding up the Hardkore California Championship
Hardkore California Championship
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. Tuxedo Mask
Tuxedo Mask turns around to hand his cape to Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. but Alexander Von Blankenship jumps him with punches from behind. Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB sucker punches Tuxedo Mask before the bell! He rakes his eyes, and then scoops him up for a shoulderbreaker.
Von Blankenship pulls him up and whacks him with a hard knife edge chop to the chest
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship blisters Tux with another hard chop. He hooks him and snap suplexes him hard to the mat.
AVB kicks him in the side of the knee. He goes for another, but Tux catches his leg and swings around with an enzuigiri roundhouse kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask grabs his head in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle, and jumps off with a tornado DDT!
Tux grabs Von Blankenship in a ¾ nelson, and runs up the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits an acid drop on Alexander Von Blankenship!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Von Blankenship up by the hair, but AVB pokes his eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship grabs him in a front facelock and twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
The Albuquerque crowd boos. Von Blankenship scoops Tuxedo Mask up and drops her on her knee with a backbreaker
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB pulls Tux up by the hair and tosses him over the ropes, but Tux hangs on and lands on the apron!
Phillip Blauer: Turn around Alex! Turn around!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship hears you and turns around, but Tuxedo Mask slingshots himself over the ropes into a DDT!
Tux motions for AVB to get up as Von Blankenship rubs his head and staggers to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask handsprings into a spear that nearly cuts AVB in half!!
Von Blankenship rolls out of the ring, holding his stomach. Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and does a no hands sasuke special over the ropes onto AVB
Guillermo O’Bannon: Twilight Dance!!
Both men lie on the Rancho Rio Events Center floor. After catching his breath, Tux slowly rolls back into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hits the ropes and baseball slides under the ropes and catches Alexander Von Blankenship with a helicopter huracanrana on the floor!!
Tuxedo Mask pulls AVB up to his feet by the hair, and then grabs him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask lifts him up into a reverse suplex, dropping his stomach on the guardrail!
The audience winces at the sound of AVB’s gut hitting the railing. Tuxedo Mask steps over the railing and suddenly his focus is interrupted
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who is Tux looking at?
Phillip Blauer: Why that’s New Mexico’s own French Stewart!
Tuxedo Mask walks over and starts telling French Stewart about his YouTube channel and doing a collaboration. French Stewart motions he’s just here as a fan with his daughter
Phillip Blauer: Tux taking my advice about there’s no such thing as chance encounters, only opportunities.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask not taking no for an answer and getting quite pushy about it.
Phillip Blauer: No, no, no. This is all gamesmanship. You don’t know how Hollywood works. You blew that one audition Jonnie got you for the Hardkore Video Game and we had to call in Scott Hudson.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The engineer kept rushing me!
Phillip Blauer: His time is money!!
Tuxedo Mask makes the dollar sign at an embarrassed French Stewart as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to separate the two
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Tux in the balls from behind out in the crowd!
Tux goes down, clutching his groin. Hasbulla blows on his whistle triumphantly, hopping around Tuxedo Mask. AVB scoops him up and backs up towards the security railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship fallaway slams Tuxedo Mask over the railing into the ringside area!
AVB steps over the railing and climbs back into the ring. Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB suplexes him over the ropes, drops his feet on the top rope and ricochets back into a slingshot suplex!
The Albuquerque crowd jeers but Von Blankenship motions for them to get louder. Hasbulla blows his whistle proudly. AVB pulls Tux up and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship catches Tuxedo Mask with a spinebuster!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Hasbulla blows on his whistle on the outside. Tuxedo Mask pulls himself up by the ropes while AVB waits like a cobra ready to strike. Tux turns around into a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!
The audience boos as Tuxedo Mask goes down like a redwood. Von Blankenship pulls him up and cracks him with a right hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Another punch by the Hardkore California Champion. He hits him again, right between the eyes!
Alexander Von Blankenship swings another right cross at him, but he hits air as Tuxedo Mask does a leg split in desperation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a Johnny Cage style punch to the groin!
Phillip Blauer: That’s how I imagine Prince would deliver a receipt.
The fans cheer AVB’s predicament as he holds his balls. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest. Tuxedo Mask gets underneath him with a saito suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux Plex ‘99!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Alexander Von Blankenship kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask pulls Von Blankenship up and irish whips him into the corner so hard that he falls against the turnbuckles. Tux then cartwheels into a handspring into a bronco buster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxbuster!
Phillip Blauer: I think those things are loaded!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask steps on the backs of AVB’s knees and rolls him up into a Tuxmission dragon sleeper mexican surfboard!
The audience cheers as Tux pulls back on Von Blankenship’s head, bending him in half. Kelly O’Connell checks in but AVB won’t quit. Hasbulla blows on his whistle in fear on the outside of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Albuquerque fans seem to be warming to Tux as he seems to at least be the lesser of two evils here tonight. He rocks back with Von Blankenship’s head, bending him in half in the Tuxmission.
Tuxedo Mask finally releases the Tuxmission and pulls him up into a crotch tie position, then pumphandles him up into a spinning juvi driver
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Rosegarden!! He climbs up to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a corkscrew 450 splash, but Von Blankenship puts his knees up!!
The audience winces as Tuxedo Mask rolls around the mat, holding his ribs. Hasbulla whistles frantically on the outside. Alexander Von Blankenship butterflies Tux’s arms and swings him over into an angel’s wings
Guillermo O’Bannon: Purification! He lifts Tuxedo Mask up on his shoulder and drills him headfirst into the mat with Desecration!!
Alexander Von Blankenship lifts him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry and then sits him on the top turnbuckle but suddenly everyone in the crowd’s head turns towards the entrance
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder coming down to the ring!
Phillip Blauer: I’d say someone should stop him, but he seems faster than a locomotive!
Then on the other side of the ring, the crowd murmurs and looks behind them
Guillermo O’Bannon: And that’s Joe Nobody coming out of the crowd! Two people Alexander Von Blankenship has messed with recently, bearing down on him at once!
Phillip Blauer: Larry! Stop them!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and he and his team do their best to head off Syrus Wilder and Joe Nobody. Alexander Von Blankenship smirks at them being held back, but Tuxedo Mask headbutts him in the face. He butterflies AVB’s arms and flips over the top of him with a double underhook sunset bomb
Guillermo O’Bannon: Moonlight Waltz by Tuxedo Mask!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The crowd leaps to their feet and cheers as Tuxedo Mask rolls back in disbelief! “Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays while Alexander Von Blankenship recovers on the mat. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest, pointing at Syrus Wilder and Joe Nobody
Greg Jin: “At 14 minutes, 2 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION…TUXEDO MASK!!!”
Phillip Blauer: That was blatant interference! What kind of person needs two people’s help to win a match?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Every member of Philthy Rich?
Phillip Blauer: (scoffs) That…that is libel, good sir!
Joe Nobody and Syrus Wilder get in the ring and help Tuxedo Mask celebrate. Ri Eun-Ae runs down from the back and kisses Tux on the cheek while Wilder helps him strap on the Hardkore California Championship. Joe Nobody yells at the departing Alexander Von Blankenship to come into the ring, but AVB declines the offer
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can’t tell if the crowd has forgiven Tuxedo Mask, or if they just love seeing AVB lose a belt, but either way this crowd is deafening! Tuxedo Mask is your new Hardkore California Champion!
‘Dad, did you ever have trouble you know—-‘
Said the young man. His dad arched a brow, lowering his fishing rod.
‘You know what?’
His son shrugged. ‘Keeping your dick hard.’
‘What the fuck? How this quit being a puss—‘
The commercial cuts away, the screen dark
before light flares in the darkness. The masked face of the Scourge leans forward, a hand grabbing the camera as his minions lurk in the shadow.
‘I was happy to let this little whimsical violent shit show keep rolling. But then someone decided to book a show in Manchester.
And frankly? GREAT BRITAIN BELONGS TO DONZIG-GUN!’
A pause, Donzig lifted a hand to tap against his mask as he hisses.
‘So let me be real with the global titles being dragged beyond my reach by that fucking has been Death Trap! Bedause the powers that be have stolen from me! I have decided I will not rest until I take every piece of gold from every shit hole company on this network!
And the fact that I have not forgotten the insults thrown in my face by the fucking Valentines?!? Well, it will be all the sweeter.’
Donzig leaned closer, eyes blazing behind his mask as he adjusted the mask. A shrug, and he continued.
‘So Evan get your little paper champion ready! Get your whole fucking crew ready! Because Hardkore World.’
A pause.
‘See you soon.’
Fade into Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, a challenge from Wrestle: UK for our upcoming PPV this summer English Rage in Belfast 2024! We’ll have to see what comes of that, but coming up is The Miracle Violence Combination II’s first title defense of the Hardkore World Tag Team titles they won in Phoenix in March against the brother combination of Team Fairtex.
Phillip Blauer: I’m not paying Team Fairtex, but not for lack of trying. I told them with the money I gave them, they could buy new fingerless gloves and calf kick bags. But they have this deluded way of thinking that doesn’t include bribery. (sees his waiter approaching) Oh, it’s time for my dinner.
Phil’s waiter comes to the announce position with a covered metal plate
Waiter: Your flash fried chicken tempura medallions with a honey mustard cream sauce, sir.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Those are chicken nuggets.
Phillip Blauer: No, chicken nuggets are for toddlers. These are flash fried chicken tempura medallions with a honey mustard cream sauce.
Waiter: Would you like the Garfield the Movie promotional toy that came with it, sir?
Phillip Blauer: (ahem) Very well.
Guillermo stares at Phil
Phillip Blauer: Well it’s just silly to only have an Odie!
"UFC Remix" plays and the Rancho Rio Events Center cheers loudly. Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Former SWAT World Tag Team Champions Team Fairtex has a lot of respect for The Miracle Violence Combination II who they’ve watched through the years. But they’re not afraid of the reputation of the greatest tag team in Hardkore history.
Phillip Blauer: I think you’re forgetting Bobby Nowa and Sexual Vanilla.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am not.
The fans pat the laser focused Team Fairtex on the shoulders and back as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. tries to get them through the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex point to all the different tag team partners Kilroy has had over the past couple years, and then contrast it to how they are brothers.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Tong and Phantam say by the end of this match, there will be new Hardkore World Tag Team Champions, the Bangkok Hitman and The Handsomest Face in Hardkore World.
Phillip Blauer: (chokes on a chicken nugget) Champagne! Champagne!
Phil’s waiter hands him a glass of champagne to wash down his chicken nuggets
Phillip Blauer: (out of breath) That troglodyte says he’s the most handsome face in Hardkore World?!? Have you seen these cheekbones? He’s going to have to take a lot of my Face Vitamins to even compete with this jawline.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minuite time limit. Your referee is Tommy Miliigan. Featuring first, the challengers; from Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd cheers for Phantam Fairtex and Tong Fairtex as they wave back at the fans
Then the funky bass line of "Death By Suplex" by Powdered Wig Machine starts up and the lights in The Rancho Rio Events Center flicker in time to the pulsing beat, golds and blues. When the lyrics start up, Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans walk out. Karnage with a half-smile on his face while Kilroy is looking relaxed
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy and Andrew Karnage are back, and back to dominating the tag division as they did 15 years ago. They walked into Phoenix, walked up that ladder, and took the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship that they held twice before.
Kilroy walks down to the ring, slapping hands with the familiar fans from over the years. Andrew Karnage idly slaps hands with the fans as he walks to the ring
Phillip Blauer: When The Philthy Rich hung those belts on that hook, we expected them to be taken care of. And then Karnage and Kilroy went and stole them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was a ladder match, Phil.
Phillip Blauer: It was thievery, is what it was! I bought those titles fair and square.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You can’t buy a title.
Phillip Blauer: Hogwash. What about the Yankees? The Miami Heat? The Detroit Red Wings?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok, ok.
Kilroy Evans takes time time to talk to the fans, and points out the signs like “Philthy Bitch”, “Kilroy Looks Good In Stripes”, “AK-47”, and “My Boy Kilroy”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Kilroy both coming off losses at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Karnage was upset by “El Exotico” Joey Little Horse and Kilroy lost that dog collar steel cage match to Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man. The Miracle Violence Combination II are looking to refocus on the tag division with a win here tonight over the former SWAT World Tag Team Champions. The Miracle Violence Combination II was last here in September of 2007 where they competed in the Hardkore America Tag Team title tournament where they defeated Native Fire in the first round, The Stargazers in the second round, and lost to Final Contract in the semi-finals.
Andrew Karnage slides under the bottom rope and throws up a sign language K to the roar of the crowd. Once Kilroy Evans is in the ring, he's still all smiles, but is completely focused on Bobby Nowa and Anthony Jordan now.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy is wearing a white “MVCII” t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. Andrew Karnage is a bulky muscular, quite defined, tanned dirty blond. He’s got a glorious beard, with a Albuquerque tattoo on his left pectoral muscle, a Grim Reaper holding a Cerberus over the word “KARNAGE” tattooed on his left bicep, on his right arm is the Japanese kanji is written “OGRE WITH A BIG STICK” inside a stylized Horde Emblem. An “OBEY GIANT” star tattoo is on the inside of his right forearm. Karnage is wearing shorts style tights, blue with white and gold on the edges, a stylized white Mushroom Cloud on the ass with two crossing AK-47s in the burst. White with gold and blue around the edges kneepads and white Bret Hart style boots with blue toes and heels.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. The Miracle Violence Combination are also big fans of Team Fairtex, and appreciate the respect both teams have for one another.
Kilroy locks eyes on Team Fairtex, barely blinking as he stares at them.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; From Hurricane, Utah. He stands 6 feet 5 inches tall, and Weighs 265 pounds; The Head Droppin Uncle, The Utah Frankenstein, He provides Death By Suplex…ANDREW KARNAGE!!!” His partner is from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 245 pounds; The Attbury Assassin…KILROY EVANS!! They are The HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE MIRACLE VIOLENCE COMBINATION II!!!”
The audience roars as Karnage throws up the K sign again. Phil boos them from the announce position
Hardkore World Tag Team Championship
The Miracle Violence Combination II vs. Team Fairtex
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Kilroy and Tong Fairtex elect to start out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Evans and Fairtex lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. They struggle for a bit, and then Tong grabs a side headlock.
Kilroy tries to push him off, but Tong keeps a hold of the headlock. He pops his hips and takes Evans over in a side headlock takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex grinds that headlock on the mat. Kilroy twists his legs until he’s back up on his feet with Tong hanging onto that headlock. He pushes Fairtex off into the ropes, and then takes him down with a drop toehold.
Kilroy goes to pick him up but Tong takes him over with a fireman’s carry. He goes for a reverse chinlock, but Kilroy snap mares Fairtex over his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex ducks a right hand and does a go behind takedown, Tong then takes him over into a Japanese arm drag, and then applies an arm bar.
Andrew Karnage reaches out to make the tag but he’s too far away. Tong yanks up on Kilroy’s trapped arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: The last time Tong Fairtex was here was in September of 2007 when he teamed with Little Dragon’s father, Dragon Belt in the Hardkore America Tag Team tournament. They defeated Matt David & Johnny Carso in the first round, and lost to The Bozzini Brothers in the second round. Tong Fairtex now pulls him up for a suplex, but Kilroy blocks it. Evans counters with a snap suplex. He scoops Tong up and drops him into a shoulderbreaker.
Kilroy tags in Andrew Karnage. Karnage pulls him up into a muay thai clinch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage is now in and batters him with high knee strikes. He lifts Tong up into a suplex and just holds him there.
Phillip Blauer: We get it. Hardkore doesn’t drug test.
The Albuquerque crowd cheers and applauds the show of strength. Karnage finally drops him, and Tong sits up in pain. Karnage pulls Tong up by the hair, and then leans back and delivers a headbutt
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Giant Headbutt! He pulls Fairtex up by the hair and and cracks him with a few clubbing vader forearms, but Tong answers with some knife edge chops to Karnage’s throat.
Karnage hits him with another forearm, but Tong cracks him with a headbutt of his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex finally knocks him down with a flying Muay Thai style dropkick!
Tong tags in Phantam Fairtex. They irish whip Andrew Karnage into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double leg lariat Andrew Karnage!
…ONE!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex ties up their legs and snaps back into a russian leg sweep. He applies a dragon sleeper on Karnage.
Phantam Fairtex leans back, trying to peel back the head of Andrew Karnage. Tommy Milligan checks in but Karnage shakes his head, refusing to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage using that considerable power to crawl towards the side of the ring and grab the bottom rope!
Tommy Milligan taps Phantam Fairtex on the shoulder and break the dragon sleeper. He does so immediately. Karnage pulls himself up along the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex batters Karnage’s legs with muay thai kicks to his knees and calves.
Karnage ducks a muay thai strike and gets behind Fairtex with a half nelson hammerlock. He drops him on the back of his head with a tiger suplex ‘85
Guillermo O’Bannon: White Tiger Suplex!
…ONE!
…Phantam Fairtex rolls his shoulder up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage tags Kilroy Evans back in. Karnage irish whips Fairtex into the ropes, and Kilroy catches him with a tiltawhirl backbreaker!
Phantam Fairtex arches his back in pain. Kilroy Evans lifts him up on his shoulders in a fireman’s carry
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy drops back into a samoan drop! He pulls him up into a chicken wing crossface.
Kilroy chokes up on Fairtex’s adam’s apple with his forearm, while cinching up that hammerlocked arm. Phantam groans in pain but refuses to quit
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2005 when he lost a Hardkore America Heavyweight title barbed wire match to Cobryn. A year later in May of 2006, he lost a falls count anywhere match to Hardkore America Champion Rated X. In January 2010, he lost the Hardkore West Coast Championship to James Fierce. Then in May of 2012, he won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship off of the same man, Fierce. The last time Kilroy Evans was here was in December of 2022 when he, Tuxedo Mask and Syberus lost a texas tornado match to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Fairtex travels towards the ropes, but Kilroy hangs onto him in that chicken wing crossface
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam able to finally slip out of it, and does a go behind with a release german suplex!
Kilroy flips over and lands on his chest. Phantam pulls him up by the arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex flips Kilroy over his shoulder with a jiu jitsu toss! He grabs a reverse chinlock on Kilroy.
Phantam locks together his hands and tightens up on the reverse chinlock, trying to wear Evans down. Fairtex flattens out his body to put more pressure on the back of his neck
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans works his way to his feet with Phantam Fairtex still grinding that reverse chinlock. Evans lands a hard elbow to Phantam’s stomach, a second one sets him free. He lifts Fairtex’s arm, and heart punches him in the chest.
Fairtex backs into the corner, holding his chest. Kilroy grabs him in a side headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy runs to the center of the ring with a bulldog!
Kilroy tags in Andrew Karnage. Andrew Karnage sets him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage lifts Kilroy up in a suplex and then gourdbusters him on top of Phantam Fairtex!
Phillip Blauer: It happened! The Miracle Violence Combination II has split up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, I think that’s just one of their moves.
Phillip Blauer: Rats.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Phantam Fairtex by the leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab! He leans back, trying to hyperextend his knee.
Tommy Milligan checks in but Phantam Fairtex shakes his head. Andrew Karnage steps on the back of Phantam’s neck with his boot, and starts grinding on it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2005, when he defeated Carpenter. In May of 2006, he and the late Adrian Tanner Jr. successfully defended their Hardkore World Tag Team titles over “The Saikyo Terrorist” Tatsuya Arakawa and “The Straight Shooter” Andrew Sinclair. In January of 2010, he defeated Abe Rogers. In May of 2012, he, Bruno, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson defeated Marty Donovan, Kota, and The Shootfighter.
Andrew Karnage takes his foot off of the back of Phantam’s neck and sits low on the single leg boston crab. Tong Fairtex steps through the ropes into the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex enters the ring and cracks Andrew Karnage in the back with several muay thai kicks to the small of his back to break up the single leg boston crab!
Kilroy Evans enters the ring but Tommy Milligan cuts him off to talk him out of it. Tong steps through the ropes out to the apron and grabs the tag rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam tags in his brother Tong. Team Fairtex double DDT Andrew Karnage!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex wraps up Karnage’s legs and drops down into a figure four leglock! He clamps down on Karnage’s ankle, making him sit up in pain.
The Albuquerque crowd cheers! Kilroy Evans urges his partner to hang on in the corner. Karnage grabs his hair in pain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage trying to turn it over but Tong Fairtex inflicting as much damage on his knee as he can.
Andrew Karnage scoots back and is able to use that 6’5 frame to reach back and grab the bottom rope. Tommy Milligan forces Tong Fairtex to break the figure four
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage pulls himself up by the ropes and Tong Fairtex stalks him like wounded prey. He kicks Karnage in the chest, backing him into the ropes. When Karnage bounces out, Tong takes him out with a muay thai kick!
Tong Fairtex pulls Andrew Karnage up by the hair and applies a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage slips his head out, gets underneath Fairtex with a saito suplex!
The fans pop! Kilroy Evans reaches out for the tag, and Andrew Karnage begins crawling towards him. The Rio Rancho Events Center roots him on to make it
Phillip Blauer: Kilroy reaching out like Karnage is made of stuffed crust.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong tags in Phantam, who cuts off Andrew Karnage from making the tag. He mounts the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and pummels him with punches.
Phantam Fairtex climbs to the top turnbuckle as Tong irish whips Andrew Karnage into the the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong spinebusters Karnage as Phantam delivers a flying elbow off the top!! Tong knocks Kilroy off the ring apron with a muay thai elbow!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Andrew Karnage kicks out!
Phantam Fairtex goes to the corner and waits for Andrew Karnage to get to his feet. The crowd buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex goes for the Bull Run spear, but Karnage catches him.
Andrew Karnage double underhooks Phantam’s arms and lifts him up into a double underhook brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tiger Buster K!! Andrew Karnage now creeps towards his corner as Kilroy Evans slowly climbs back up to the apron!
The audience cheers on Andrew Karnage reaches out for Kilroy’s hand. Kilroy grabs the tag and extends his arm as far as it will go. Phantam Fairtex tags in Tong in the opposite corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage makes the tag!
The crowd erupts as Kilroy Evans runs into the ring like a house on fire. He tackles Phantam Fairtex from behind by jumping on his back, smashing his face into the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piggyback on Phantam!
Tong Fairtex comes over to help his brother, but Kilroy grabs him and drops down into a jawbreaker. Tong’s feet bounce up and Kilroy catches them and he turns him over into a texas cloverleaf
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Jawsome on Tong! He sits back low, cranking back on Fairtex’s twisted legs!
The audience chants “KILROY! KILROY! KILROY!” Tommy Milligan asks Tong Fairtex is he wants to give up but Tong doesn’t answer
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex does a push up, trying to crawl over to the ropes.
Phantam Fairtex gets up and tries to give Kilroy a superkick, but Evans drops Tong’s legs and catches Phantam’s boot
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam went for The Big Deal, but Kilroy caught his boot! He takes him over in a dragon screw leg whip! Tong comes at him but Kilroy belly to belly suplexes him over the ropes onto the floor!!
The crowd cheers! Kilroy Evans tags Andrew Karnage and then steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans suplexes Phantam Fairtex over the ropes off the apron and onto the floor!!
Andrew Karnage pulls Tong Fairtex up on the floor and begins hammering him with forearms, as Tong responds with muay thai punches
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong and Karnage are brawling all over ringside!
Kilroy Evans pulls the ring steps away from the ring. He grabs the passing Phantam Fairtex as he fights with Karnage, and applies a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans full nelson facebusters Tong’s face into the apron!!
Andrew Karnage staggers over to an approaching Phantam Fairtex and grabs him around the neck.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Andrew Karnage flips Phantam onto the concrete with a sheer drop exploder!!
The audience pops! Kilroy Evans rolls Tong Fairtex onto the apron, and then climbs up there with him. He pulls Fairtex to his feet in a headlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans bulldogs Tong Fairtex onto the ring steps!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” at the sound of Tong’s face hitting the steel steps
Phillip Blauer: I think after that, he should come see me about some Phil’s Face Vitamins.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage scoops Phantam Fairtex up and goes to run his head into the post, but Phantam slips off his shoulder and rams Karnage’s head into the corner post!!
Karnage drops like a bag of hammers. Phantam Fairtex comes from behind Kilroy and lifts him up on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex back suplexes Kilroy Evans on the ring steps!!
The sound of Kilroy’s body hitting the steps rings through the Rio Rancho Events Center.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phantam Fairtex pulls out a table from underneath the ring and sets it up. Tong Fairtex climbs back into the ring as Phantam rolls Andrew Karnage onto the table. Tong runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex suicide dives over the ropes onto Andrew Karnage on the table!!
The crowd cheers and Phantam rolls Andrew Karnage back into the ring. Tong Fairtex rolls back into the ring, as Phantam climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong belly to belly suplexes Karnage as Phantam swanton bombs him!! Air Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex have won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships!
The UFC theme plays as the crowd cheers. Tong Fairtex hands one of the Hardkore World Tag Team titles to Phantam and they raise the belts high in the air
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 32 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong and Phantam Fairtex have defeated the legendary Miracle Violence Combination II and now sit atop the West Coast tag team division. Phil, are you crying?
Phillip Blauer: (sniffling) I just love seeing Kilroy lose a title. It’s so beautiful.
Andrew Karnage and Kilroy Evans stand in front of Team Fairtex and the crowd buzzes with anticipation
Guillermo O’Bannon: Karnage and Kilroy put their hands out as a show of respect.
Tong and Phantam shake their hands, and then Kilroy and Andrew Karnage hold up Tong and Phantam’s arms in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: Both these teams are a class act, and I would expect nothing less from these four.
Phillip Blauer: Gross.
(Trumpets sound as the spotlights locate themselves on a raised platform located above the main stage. Onto the platform steps a herald in medieval looking gear with a golden lion pictured on his tunic. He steps up to a microphone and unveils a parchment scroll.)
Herald: ALL HEAR! ALL HEAR!
Let all hear the good news and be glad!
The beast has been slain! The beast has been slain!
The beast, Marty Donovan, has been SLAIN! Slain by the hand of Syberus, the great, and first of his name.
Let it be known that the Lords of this land...
The Duke of Ashminster
The Duke of Igglebridge
The Earl of Wittchester
The Duke of Montpemberywest
Lady Mitherington
The Earl of Craisinkstone
The Duke of Featherington-le-South
Lady Wearlsnipp
And
The Duke of Icklebottom
Have decreed
In their wisdom, given by God,
That he, Syberus, the great, first of his name, be declared KING.
LONG LIVE KING SYBERUS! KING OF THE WEST!
(The crowd cheers as the trumpets sound again. The herald rolls up his parchment and leaves.)
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, I have just received word that due to his actions tonight on Simon Cruise and referee Mike Peters, Captain Righteous has been suspended for the next 30 days! Coming up is the Hardkore Women’s Championship match between Lady Liberty and former champion Mickie Fury.
“Queen of the Night'' by Whitney Houston plays and a spotlight follows Mickie Fury as the Rio Rancho Events Center cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury defeated J-ROK’s Rin Kubo in October 2023 to win the Hardkore Women’s Championship, now she attempts to do it again here tonight against Lady Liberty. She and Mary Yellowbird want some revenge for Liberty taking the title from Black Tiger at Palm Springs Punishment 2024.
Phillip Blauer: Look you can’t take these things personally.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You got out of your rental car and stopped traffic for two hours ranting about Kilroy winning the tag titles from your guys.
Phillip Blauer: That was different. I hate him.
Yolanda Ando: Mickie Fury is dressed in a white catsuit and boots.
Fury vaults over the ropes and jumps into the ring. She does some dance moves and then goes to the corner to await her opponent
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Mickie says she’s wrestled ladies like Liberty in the past, and doesn’t think she’s got anything she hasn’t seen before. If she regains her Hardkore Women’s Championship, she promises to defend it in the other XHF territories.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, the challenger; from Pasadena, California, Currently Residing in Los Angeles, Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 148 pounds…MICKIE FURY!!!”
The fans cheer as Mickie loosens the ropes
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd with the Hardkore Women’s Championship wrapped around her waist. Domino walks underneath her, rolling her eyes
Guillermo O’Bannon: There is the new Hardkore Women’s Champion with her captive manager, Domino.
Phillip Blauer: Look, finding a good manager, especially a woman, is exceedingly difficult these days. If you can steal one from someone else, literally, you’re behooved to do so.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty thinks Captain Righteous would have gotten to her one way or another, so Domino is better off with Liberty as her captor.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, works for me.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, we’ll see if Domino is a help or hindrance to her tonight as she takes on former champion Mickie Fury who’s quite the powerhouse herself. Lady Liberty is proud to hold the Hardkore Women’s Championship, a title that goes back to 1994 with Ms. Alexandria Macabre.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero bodysuit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Lady Liberty didn’t care for Mickie Fury’s words about her association with Captain Righteous…
Phillip Blauer: Me either.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one cares, Phil. She promises defeat for Mickie Fury in her first title defense, and wants to show the fans that she is not anything like Captain Righteous.
Phillip Blauer: I’m embarrassed to say I once again needed Ms. Liberty’s services. My poor cat Scarlett…
Guillermo O’Bannon: She’s still alive?
Phillip Blauer: Let me finish. Scarlett had climbed up a tree. Not wanting to bother Ms. Liberty again, I attempted to climb up there and rescue her myself. I promptly got stuck up there, and Scarlett effortlessly climbed down. Lady Liberty flew by to help me out of the tree. However, in an effort to preserve my dignity I tried to fall on my feet for the last 10 feet and landed on Scarlett.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So she’s…
Phillip Blauer: Hanging on by a thread at Cedar Sinai.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That sounds…
Phillip Blauer: Massively expensive.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent; Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds, She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
Hardkore Women’s Championship
Lady Liberty vs. Mickey Fury
Lady Liberty and Mickie Fury lock up in the center of the ring. Both ladies vie for strength and are on an even keel back and forth until Liberty breaks it off.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Neither of these women want to give the other an inch here.
Phillip Blauer: Well I tell you Guillermoss, I can call this one right now. I'm going with the (Phil squints) uh, astronaut? Hold on, let me get my glasses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty catches Fury with a hip toss!
Phillip Blauer: (Feeling his suit jacket) Shoot, they may be in the car.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury ducks, sending Liberty into the turnbuckle. Hard right hand jab by Mickie Fury. She sends Liberty to the ropes, ducks a clothesline! Liberty turns into a spear by Fury!!
…ONE!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow this one could have been over right there!
Phillip Blauer: I would have had extra time to finish my word jumble (he gets the newspaper out and starts feeling for his glasses) - Oh shoot.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury mounts Lady Liberty and lays in some forearms. She drags her back up by the hair but Liberty cuts her off and chops her to the chest.
She backs Fury into a corner and irish whips her to the opposite side, charging in after with a shoulder.
Guillermo O’Bannon: What impact! Lady Liberty following up with a huge scoop slam!
…ONE!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Lady Liberty stalks Mickie Fury as the crowd chants “MICKIE! MICKIE! MICKIE!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty hooks her up for a vertical suplex and crashes her to the canvas.
The Albuquerque crowd jeers as Fury's back arches off the mat in pain.
Phillip Blauer: That was quite the tumble.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty with the size and strength advantage in this one. Fury pulls herself up by the ropes and catches Liberty off guard with a shoulder block. Fury with the swinging neck breaker!
Mickie Fury uses the pause to rub her neck and get back to her feet. Lady Liberty staggers back up on her side as the crowd chant "Let's Go Fury!".
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury whips Lady Liberty overhead with a judo toss! She follows up with a spinning heel kick!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: That was a longer two count there, a flurry of offense building for Mickie Fury the challenger for the Hardkore World Women's Championship, looking to regain that championship.
Lady Liberty blocks a right hand, and thunders down with one of her own.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty with a European uppercut, sends Fury reeling. Fury comes back with a clothesline, duck by Liberty, knee lift to the abdomen- here she goes, wow what a tornado DDT!!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
Phillip Blauer: I tell ya, you can't keep taking those forever and keep walking straight.
Mickie Fury rolls around clutching her head. The Rio Rancho Events Center boos Lady Liberty as she gets to her knees. Liberty pulls Fury back to a vertical base.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty forces Fury back into the corner and rocks her with some chops across the chest Fury reeling here!
The Albuquerque crowd boos. Lady Liberty catches Fury with a step up jumping knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, this could be it! Fury looks out cold here!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out!
The crowd on their feet as Fury keeps the match alive. Lady Liberty slaps the mat in frustration. Liberty beckons Fury to get back to her feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury catches the champion out with a leg sweep! Fury with a flapjack onto the turnbuckle!
Liberty staggers back, holding her jaw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury takes Liberty down with a double leg takedown and here we go, over into a boston crab!! The champion in trouble now!
Fury calling for Liberty to give it up. Liberty is shaking her head, but the pain on her face is obvious as the challenger bends her frame with that boston crab.
Phillip Blauer: Never get the crab in Boston, Gill. It’s worse than the racism.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really?
Phillip Blauer: No.
Lady Liberty gets to the bottom rope and forcing Richie Richardson to tell Mickie Fury to break the hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: That submission hold gave Mickie Fury time to recover though. She drops an elbow on the back of the champion's head to keep her down. She needs to buy herself all the time she can.
Both women lie on the mat recovering. Mickie Fury is the first to her feet and irish whips Lady Liberty into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh, look at this! Mickie Fury with a handspring back elbow!
Lady Liberty staggers out of the corner into Fury who kicks her in the stomach. She double underhooks Liberty’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury follows up with a butterfly suplex and drops into the cover!
…ONE!
…TWO!
….Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fury needs to stay on the offensive here. Liberty battles back with some right hands. Kick to the midsection. She goes into the ropes, but Domino trips her!
Phillip Blauer: What? Why would she do that? That little lady needs a good dose of Stockholm Syndrome and fast!
Lady Liberty gets up and asks Domino if she tripped her, but Domino plays dumb.
Guillermo O’Bannon: While Lady Liberty is distracted with Domino, Mickie Fury sneaks up on her with a roll up!
…ONE!
…TWO!
….THR- Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh my goodness, how close were we to seeing a new champion there?!
The crowd cheers as Mickie Fury motions for Lady Liberty to get to her feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury goes for the Dance Off spin kick, but Lady Liberty blocks it with her forearm!
Lady Liberty grabs Mickie by the wrist and pulls her into a rip cord bicycle knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Minor!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Mickie Fury kicks out
Mickie Fury staggers to her feet, but Lady Liberty grabs her around her necks and drops down into a flatliner. She wraps her leg around Fury’s head with her arms still locked for her koji clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: She applies her Seven Stars of Orion!! She clamps down on Mickie’s head while using that powerful leg to choke her.
The Albuquerque crowd jeers. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson checks in but Mickie Fury refuses to tap out. Fury reaches out for the ropes but she’s stuck in the middle of the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mickie Fury trying to hold on as Lady Liberty chokes the life out of her. Richie Richardson checks in again, and Fury has to tap out!
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and Domino looks down, dejected. “Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays and Lady Liberty releases the Seven Stars of Orion
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 50 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Richie Richardson hands Lady Liberty the Hardkore Women’s Championship belt, and she holds it proudly over her head, while keeping a side eye on Domino at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Despite Domino trying to tip the scales in Mickie Fury’s favor, Lady Liberty locked on that Seven Stars of Orion and was able to get the victory.
Phillip Blauer: Imagine having the manager that you kidnapped not work towards the common goal of your success? The call is coming from inside the house, Lady Liberty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, at any rate, Lady Liberty successfully defends her Hardkore Women’s Championship, and Domino tries to do anything she can to keep those two from winning.
Lady Liberty orders Domino to the back, and walks behind her, shaking her head
A doctor in a lab coat is walking the grounds of a hospital’s outside campus. The greens are meticulously attended to
Doctor: As we all know, some mental health challenges can be dealt with on an outpatient basis, and require long term care. We know this to be true with human beings, but now there’s an opportunity to apply this to the animal kingdom.
Introducing The Mental Hospital for Pets
Doctor: Is your cat experiencing delusions of grandeur? Or your dog struggling with crippling separation anxiety? Are you having a problem with one of your fish stalking a girl fish?
Cut to inside the hospital where cats and dogs and a fish tank are strapped to wheelchairs
Doctor: If you said yes to any of these questions, you should have your pet committed. Look at our success stories. Meet Michael Shelps.
Cut to a close up of a turtle
Doctor: When Mike was brought to us, he was catatonic. Spent hours just looking out windows. But now, after intensive drug therapies, he has come out of his…um, exterior protective barrier. He has acknowledged being a selfish lover and he has committed to a course of action that includes more back rubs for his partner and asking about her day.
Cut to a close up of a turtle
Doctor: So if your chow chow is cray cray, or if your feline is on the mental decline, maybe think about having them committed? Committed to good mental health!
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: It started in Pomona, California back in August of 2022. The Sheik and The Oracles of Suffering along with Marty Donovan ganged up on Syberus, giving him the DisKnee with a chair over Syberus’ face, giving Marty a countout victory. At Irish Rage in Belfast 2022, The Sheik lost to Syberus in a match for the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship when Kilroy and Tuxedo Mask reformed The Society of the New Breed to counteract The Oracles of Suffering’s constant interference. Then in Phoenix this past March, Syberus defeated The Sheik for the Hardkore West Coast Championship. At Palm Springs Punishment 2024, The Sheik defeated Simon Cruise in a ladder match to determine the number one contender to the Hardkore West Coast Championship. Tonight, the former champion The Sheik gets his rematch but this time in his wheelhouse, a falls count anywhere match. To show everyone that Syberus can get violent, he challenged Suikerbossie to a ladder match of his own in Coachella.
Phillip Blauer: That proved nothing. Suikerbossie is not The Sheik. And Malcolm Xavier Graves is not Mein van Houten. He can’t mop to save his life.
“Seasons in the Abyss” by Stone Sour plays and the Rio Rancho Events Center boos. The Sheik walks out, threatening to backhand members of the audience. Malcolm Xavier Graves follows behind, whacking at the crowd with his cane
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik is looking to be a three time Hardkore West Coast Champion. He hates Syberus from their previous battles, so it would make it all the more sweet to take it from him.
The Sheik smacks a UK flag out of a fan’s hands, while another fan gets on camera holding up his “Cruise Dudes” sign
Greg Jin: “The following is a Falls Count Anywhere match that is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, the challenger. He is accompanied to the ring by his manager, Malcolm Xavier Graves; From The Empty Quarter in Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds; The Great King of Terror…THE SHEIK!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd boos and The Sheik almost leaves the ring to go attack them
The opening chords of "Seven Nation Army" by Stantough fill the air as the Rio Rancho Events Center goes black. As the music picks up, torches of flame gently flicker into life either side of the entrance and lining the ramp. After a few moments, courtiers wearing King Syberus's heraldry carry him out on a throne held on their shoulders
Phillip Blauer: As an American, this upsets me deeply. We fought a war to get rid of kings. My great great grandfather was at the Boston Tea Party.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, I didn’t know that. He was one of the people who threw the tea in the harbor?
Phillip Blauer: Well, no, he was in a dinghy fishing the tea out of the water to sell to the depleted market at a huge upsell.
The crowd roars as King Syberus is carried towards the ring, and he holds a hand up in an appreciative salute to them all.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus has declared himself not only Hardkore West Coast Champion, but the King of the West.
Phillip Blauer: I didn’t vote for him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You don’t vote for kings.
Phillip Blauer: And that’s how you get Charles running things.
Once at the base of the ramp, steps are lowered from Syberus's throne in order for him to climb down. He approaches the ring and is followed by several of the courtiers, who then assist him in removing his crown, deep red cloak and chainmail shirt.
Phillip Blauer: Isn’t that Pork Dirkmeyer?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yes, and The Martian, Sami Ielemia, The Scorpion, Sweet Bone Daddy, Joseph Hart, Dana Daniels, and is that…yeah, that’s Apisai Paisi.
Phillip Blauer: Why are they carrying him to the ring?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure beatings were threatened.
Phillip Blauer: What kind of king rules by violence and intimidation?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think all of them.
King Syberus then steps up onto the ring apron, wipes his feet, and steps through the ropes. He climbs a turnbuckle with the Hardkore West Coast Championship strapped around his waist, and raises two open hands in acknowledgement of the crowd.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus has…
Phillip Blauer: You’re not going to call him King Syberus, are you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Look, I’m half Irish. Not recognizing their kings has caused a lot of problems for us, so I’m just going to avoid that whole situation. King Syberus wrestled for an hour at Palm Springs Punishment 2024 with Marty Donovan, scoring the only victory. He thinks after that, The Sheik should be easy.
Phillip Blauer: He’s going to change his mind after the first chair is tossed at his crown.
Yolanda Ando: King Syberus wears long silver tights with boots, kick pads and knee pads all in a contrasting dark brown to resemble leather. From the waist down front and back he wears a knee length tabard of deep red with a golden lion rampant emblazoned in the center front.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Our co-main event starts right now!
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from Manchester, England; He stands 6 feet tall; Weighing 220 pounds; The Current HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KING SYBERUS!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd gives him a huge ovation as Syberus holds up the Hardkore West Coast Championship
Hardkore West Coast Championship
Falls Count Anywhere
King Syberus vs. The Sheik
Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell. Syberus cautiously goes for a lock up but The Sheik backs up
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik knows that his bread and butter, or his pita and hummus as it were, is not trading arm bars with Syberus. This is a falls count anywhere match, and if he is to win back his Hardkore West Coast title, it has to be with violence.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik moves in, but Syberus takes him over into a snap mare. He arm drags Sheik over, and then flips him over into an ippon seoi nage judo flip. King Syberus grabs a front facelock.
Syberus locks his hands together and pulls back on Sheik’s head and neck. Sheik fruitlessly tries to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus’ first match in New Mexico was when he defeated “The Punisher” Dan Stein in the quarterfinals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight title tournament. A year later in May of 2006 this is where he won the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Robert Hunglestien III. In September of 2007, he successfully defended that Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship over Lucifer Jones. In January 2010, he defeated Frank Jasper. In May of 2012, he booked himself in an 8 man elimination match with let’s say, lesser competition so that he could win the Hardkore West Coast Championship. The last time Syberus was here was in December of 2022 when he, Tuxedo Mask and Kilroy Evans lost a texas tornado match to Alexander Von Blankenship, Marty Donovan, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane.
Phillip Blauer: Aha! So he’s not “undefeated in Albuquerque”, he is in fact The King of Lies!
The Sheik works his way to his feet with Syberus hanging onto the front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus goes for a suplex, but The Sheik floats over onto his feet behind him. Syberus does a go behind into a rear waistlock. The Sheik runs forward and pitches both men through the second and top rope!
Phillip Blauer: Well that was fast.
The Sheik gets up and pulls Syberus up by the hair, leading him over into the aisleway. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls a table out from underneath the ring and sets it up in the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik smashes King Syberus’ head into the railing! He tosses Syberus over the railing into the audience!
Sheik steps over the railing into the crowd, and threatens the fans to get back. He grabs a folding chair from one of the empty ones
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik smashes King Syberus in the back with a steel chair!
Sheik rolls Syberus over the railing onto the chair in the aisle. He pulls back the railing a little and then climbs on top of it
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps off the railing and leg drops King Syberus through the table in the aisle!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos as both men lie in the aisle. The Sheik makes a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backs up and runs at him, but King Syberus catches him and hot shots his throat on the railing!
The crowd comes to life! Syberus leans Sheik’s throat against the railing and then backs up down the aisle
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus leg lariats the back of Sheik’s head, pushing his throat into the guardrail!
Syberus pulls him up into a headlock, and the audience laughs at the inappropriate move
Phillip Blauer: He will somehow find a way to make a falls count anywhere match boring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik plants his feet and back suplexes King Syberus out on the aisle!
The Albuquerque crowd jeers. Malcolm Xavier Graves pulls another table out from underneath the ring and he and The Sheik lift it over the railing into the front row of the audience. The Sheik and MXG work together to unhinge the railing and open it up. The Sheik scoops Syberus up and bodyslams him onto the table. He steps up onto the apron, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik asai moonsaults Syberus through the table in the front row!!
The Rio Rancho Events Center boos. Syberus holds his ribs, and The Sheik makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
uses the seat of a chair to pull himself up off of the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik pulls him up, but King Syberus ties up their legs and snaps back into a russian leg sweep against the railing!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of The Sheik’s head hitting the steel. Syberus pulls Sheik up into a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus full nelson drops The Sheik’s ass into a standing chair!
The chair breaks under Sheik’s weight. Sheik holds his ass, and kicks his heels into the floor in pain. Syberus tries to pick up the broken chair and use it, but sees it’s useless and discards it. He gets another chair and sets it up, and sits The Sheik on the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks the sitting Sheik with a few elbows while he’s in that chair. He smashes Sheik with a few european uppercuts, and then backs up into the first row. He runs and takes out The Sheik with a big boot to the face! The Tilted Lance!!
The audience roars and starts chanting “SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!! SYBERUS!!” Syberus gives them a royal wave and doesn’t see Malcolm Xavier Graves hand The Sheik a chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses a chair at King Syberus’ head, and it wraps around his neck!!
Phillip Blauer: (in an Eric Idle accent) Message for you, sir!
Syberus lies on the floor with the chair wrapped around his neck. He takes it off of himself, and stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik cracks him in the back with another chair!! He lifts it over his head and bashes King Syberus over the head!!
The Albuquerque crowd lets out another “OH!” and Syberus goes down in the third row of the audience. Sheik threatens a fan to get out of his seat, and then puts Syberus in the fan’s seat. He rolls onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik springboard moonsaults off the second rope, but King Syberus moves out of the way and Sheik just hits the chair!!
The New Mexico crowd pops. Sheik holds his stomach and his face is a mask of agony. Syrus makes the cover out in the third row
…ONE!
…TWO!
…The Sheik kicks out!
Syberus pulls him up by the hair and leads him over to the announce position
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus smashes The Sheik’s face into our announce table! Again!
Phillip Blauer: My flash fried chicken tempura medallions!
Guillermo O’Bannon: And Phil’s chicken nuggets are everywhere!
Syberus climbs up to the apron, but Malcolm Xavier Graves supplies The Sheik with another chair, and Sheik backs up to give himself some space
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik tosses another chair at Syberus’ head!
Syberus goes down to one knee on the apron, holding the second rope for balance
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so the King of the West bends the knee for The Great King of Terror.
Guillermo O’Bannon: From the floor, The Sheik bodyslams Syberus off the apron to the concrete!
Syberus arches his back in pain. The Sheik sets up a chair at ringside, and sits Syberus in the chair, then rolls back into the ring. Sheik hits the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik dives through the ropes onto the sitting King Syberus, smashing him into the guardrail!!
The audience boos. The Sheik applies a Le Bell lock on Syberus on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik with the LeBell lock on Syberus at ringside! The last time Sheik was here was in December of 2022 when he lost a steel cage match for the Hardkore West Coast Championship to Eron Hunter. Tonight, he hopes to win that belt for a third time in a falls count anywhere over King Syberus!
The Sheik rocks back with King Syberus’ head and arm, putting pressure on the elbow and shoulder. Kelly O’Connell checks in but Syberus refuses to tap out
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik continuing to lock those hands and lean back on the LeBell lock as King Syberus attempts to hold on to the Hardkore West Coast Championship! The last time the Hardkore West Coast title changed hands in Albuquerque was in February of 2010, when James Fierce won it over Kilroy Evans in the double pin situation. Could the title change hands again in this same town 14 years later?
Syberus continues to say no to Kelly’s questions, so The Sheik finally releases the LeBell lock and sits Syberus in a chair at ringside. He climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik hops off the middle of the second rope with a springboard heel kick to the sitting Syberus at ringside!!
The crowd jeers. Sheik rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in there. Malcolm Xavier Graves hands him a chair
Phillip Blauer: What are they doing in the ring?! Is Sheik lost?
The Sheik snapmares King Syberus over so he’s in a sitting position. He grabs the chair and hops onto the middle of the second rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik springboard van daminators the chair into King Syberus’ face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Sheik tosses Syberus through the ropes out onto the apron. He steps out onto the apron with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops him up, but King Syberus floats over behind him in an inverted facelock, and then reverse DDTs him on the apron!!
The crowd leaps to their feet! The Sheik lies prone on the apron, while Syberus recovers on the floor. Malcolm Xavier Graves sets up a table at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus pulls him off the apron and into a front facelock. He positions him over the chair, and then rolls him into a swinging neckbreaker with Sheik’s head smacking the back of that chair!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves stomps the back of King Syberus’ head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus stands right up, looking at MXG!
The Rio Rancho Events Center comes unglued as a bug eyed Malcolm Xavier Graves tries to explain his position to an angry Syberus
Phillip Blauer: Oh, what a benevolent king. Picking on a man with a cane.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus telling Graves he’s had just about enough of him.
Phillip Blauer: But here comes The Sheik!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus sees him out of the back of his head somehow, and hip tosses Sheik hard on the concrete!
Sheik sits up in pain, and Malcolm Xavier Graves uses the opportunity to skedaddle to the other side of the ring. Syberus rolls onto the apron and stands up, grabbing an approaching Sheik by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jabs him in the stomach to free his hair from Syberus’ grasp. Malcolm Xavier Graves tosses him a chair, and Sheik launches it from the floor to Syberus on the apron!
The crowd lets out an “OH!” at the sound of the chair bouncing off of Syberus’ skull. He slumps into a sitting position on the second rope as Sheik climbs onto the apron with him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik pulls him over towards the turnbuckles, but King Syberus smashes him with a european uppercut. He bashes Sheik’s head into the turnbuckles a couple times, but Sheik mule kicks him between the legs.
The Sheik steps through the ropes back into the ring. He sets up a chair by the ropes in front of Syberus and runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik vaults off the chair over the ropes into a cross body that puts King Syberus through the table behind them!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Sheik rolls Syberus back into the ring and follows him in. He places the chair over his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik jumps onto the ropes with a slingshot moonsault onto the chair over Syberus’ face!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik appears to have hurt his knee a little hitting that chair, and is slow to get up.
Syberus pulls himself up by the ropes, and sees Sheik struggling. He comes over and kicks Sheik in the shin
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus with another hard kick to Sheik’s knee. He basement dropkicks Sheik’s kneecap.
Sheik goes down, holding his knee. Syberus slides down his knee pad, and knee drops Sheik’s kneecap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Muscle Killer! King Syberus wraps up Sheik’s legs and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf!
The crowd cheers as King Syberus plants his feet and pulls back on The Sheik’s legs. Malcolm Xavier Graves begs him not to tap out at ringside
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik gambled by taking the match back into the ring, and now he’s paying the price.
Guillermo O’Bannon: King Syberus bending The Sheik in half in that cloverleaf. He’s shaking his head, refusing to give up to referee Kelly O’Connell.
The Sheik reaches out for the ropes, but they’re too far away. Syberus cranks back on Sheik’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik finally does a push up and rolls out of the texas cloverleaf, sending King Syberus tumbling through the ropes. The Sheik pulls on the top rope and slingshots himself over the ropes into a crossbody on Syberus on the floor!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik climbs back up onto the apron, hops onto the middle of the second rope and springboards back into an elbow that knocks King Syberus back into the steel railing!
Malcolm Xavier Graves sets up another table, and he and The Sheik rolls Syberus on top of it. Graves hands The Sheik a chair as he climbs up to the apron
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik jumps off the apron with an arabian facebuster legdrop with that chair on King Syberus through the table!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…King Syberus kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik lifts him up into a suplex, but Syberus floats over into an inverted facelock, then twists into his sister abigail on the floor! Kingdom Come!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
"Seven Nation Army" by Stantough plays as Syberus pulls himself up by the guardrail
Greg Jin: “At 27 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WEST COAST CHAMPION…KING SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus remains The King of the West!
Syberus takes his crown and Hardkore West Coast Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. and places the crown on his head crookedly
Guillermo O’Bannon: In a match not even close to his wheelhouse, King Syberus comes in and defeats The Sheik at his own game, defending that Hardkore West Coast Championship!
Malcolm Xavier Graves complains about a fast count to Kelly O’Connell, while Syberus walks down the aisle, waving to the fans
Goodfellas on Ice!
The Oscar winning picture is now a magical adventure on the ice!
Highlights of Goodfellas on Ice play. An extremely not-Italian ice skater in a brunette wig has the lone spotlight
Henry: (singing) “As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster”
An aggressive Scott Hamilton dressed as Tommy skates towards Henry who skates backwards in perfect time with him. Tommy sings a patter song
Tommy: (singing) Do ya think I’m funny? Like a clown? Is it my voice or da way I tell a story?
An ice skater from Fargo with a brunette wig, hits all the buttons on a fake wall as dramatic music plays
Karen: (singing operatically) You have A WHORE!!! A whore living in 2R! Janet Rossi is nothing but a WHORE!!!
A chorus line celebrates as Tommy gets lead through them
“Tommy’s gonna get made, he’s gonna get made, Oh Nooooooooo!!!”
Tommy gets shot through the face and bleeds out on the ice. You can hear a pin drop in the arena as the blood effect pumps out, spurt by spurt. You can hear one guy coughing
Then cut to the ice skater in a bad wig, skating glumly around the ice with a spotlight on him
Henry: (singing) I’m nothing but a schnook.
I used to do scores, getting bags filled with jewels
Now instead of marinara, I get ketchup with egg noodles
Goodfellas on Ice!
The reviews are in!
“The scene where they showed us how they sliced the garlic in prison went on way too long!”
“Murray’s wig was on the ice for the rest of the show and I couldn’t look away.”
“Paulie was actually a relatively small time soldier of John Gotti, but because Goodfellas came out before Gotti was convicted of anything, they had to remove most mentions of him. I just thought everyone should know that!”
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our main event of the night here in Albuquerque. Back in February, Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Florida Man put out a challenge in Ontario, California to whomever could be in the best commercial would receive a title shot. His partner in the Epcot Mafia, Marty Donovan’s commercial was deemed the best and he received the title shot. After defeating Kilroy Evans in a dog collar cage match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, The Philthy Rich tried to attack Kilroy after the match.
Phillip Blauer: Right, the thing I paid extra for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: However, some wires got crossed, and Marty wound up giving Florida the DisKnee. In Coachella, they had a contract signing where they found out their common enemy Kilroy Evans would be the special referee. When Kilroy went to attack you, Florida Man stabbed him with a pen.
Phillip Blauer: My hero.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship ran down and Philthy Rich put the boots to Kilroy.
Phillip Blauer: That was my Christmas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Then Hardkore Tuvalu came down to the ring to even the odds.
Phillip Blauer: A couple of weirdos coming down to Grinch up my Christmas.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Tuvalu challenged both Florida Man and Marty to a match later on that evening. The Epcot Mafia won, but not before Florida Man returned the “accident” and Marcechochicknee’d him off the apron onto the floor.
Phillip Blauer: Accidents happen. It’s what the birthday card from your parents used to say every year.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tonight, Florida Man makes his next title defense against his partner that held the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championship title together with common enemy Kilroy Evans as the special guest referee.
"Miami Disco (metal cover)" by Alex Yarmak plays and the Albuquerque fans cheer for Kilroy’s second appearance of the night. A sweaty Kilroy Evans walks out in a referee t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He waves to the crowd and slaps some hands of the outstretched arms of the ringside fans
Phillip Blauer: I can’t do two Kilroy matches a night. I have human rights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No you don’t. (Phil scoffs) Kilroy will be a fair official in my opinion, because he has issues with both men in this match up.
Phillip Blauer: That cannot make sense to you. The only place that roadkill aficionado wants to see the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship is around his hairy waist. I’d rather have Richie referee this match. That’s not true. Who’s that little twerp with the underbite?
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s Randy Valentine Jr., and that’s mean. Besides, he’s the timekeeper.
Phillip Blauer: I got a stopwatch on my iPhone. We should be fine.
Kilroy Evans climbs into the ring and says hi to Greg Jin, the ring announcer. Kilroy looks to the entrance area, pacing slowly and purposefully.
“Dope the Big Lie” by Chunky A starts playing and Marty Donovan walks down to the ring. Phil is cabbage patching at the announce table
Guillermo O’Bannon: My God, what is this?
Phillip Blauer: A little too street for you, eh, chum? Why this is Chunky A.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Right, Arsenio Hall’s fat rap guy character.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know what the devil an Arsenio is? But Chunky A is a street prophet. “If God would have given us wings, if he wanted us high”. You said it, brother. While Chunky A had such feel good hits as “Girlfriend Got Stank Breath” and “Owww”, this song was a change of pace. A warning to the millions of children and young TV anchors that idolized Chunky. That dope, whatever that is, is bad and celebrities like Chunk believe we should not be doing it. Inspiring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Maybe it will inspire Marty Donovan to regain the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship that he lost at Palm Springs Punishment 2023. This match has had an awkwardness as these two partners and stablemates try to keep things civil. They held the Wrestle: UK Tag Team Championships for an impressive 148 days, winning them from Rage and Cage in Cornwall, England in November of 2023 before losing them to the Oblivion Death Squad in Melbourne, Australia in April.
Yolanda Ando: Marty is wearing red speedos with Phil’s face on them. He wears Bryan Danielson style boots and kick pads with Phil on the knees.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Marty bought a Bojangles in Attbury, South Carolina and offered special referee Kilroy Evans a lifetime of free food.
Phillip Blauer: It wouldn’t be a match of my two best guys if there weren’t a little bribery involved. It's how it’s done between two pros.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is hoping to win back his Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from a man who knows him inside and out from being his teammate for those 148 days.
Phillip Blauer: And a Man, a Florida Man, who already sent one surfboard to hell tonight.
Yolanda Ando: This is the weirdest job.
“Gimme Some Lovin'” by The Spencer Davis Group plays and the Albuquerque crowd boos as Florida Man walks out with the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Speaking of impressive reigns, Florida Man seemingly came out of nowhere to upset Kilroy Evans in February, and has defended it against Simon Cruise in Phoenix and a rematch against Kilroy Evans in that dog collar cage match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Tonight he puts it on the line against the former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and his ex-tag team partner, Marty Donovan.
Phillip Blauer: It won’t be easy to keep this stable together after this match, but if there are two people you can count on to be professional, it’s an unstable meth cook in a gator mask and Marty Donovan.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You really are so bad at this. Florida Man feels this is a once in a lifetime match he and Marty are about to have. Initially to him, this is Rocky 3.
Phillip Blauer: Would that make me, Clubber Lang?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think you’re more like Paulie with a better shave.
Phillip Blauer: To my Hardkore World Champion and hopefully patsy Florida Man, this is a chance at immortality, to put on the greatest match ever with his best friend. Now, Florida was a little hurt by Marty opening up a territory named after his friend and then not inviting him…
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? Florida is a state. He didn’t name it after Florida Man.
Yolanda Ando: Florida Man wears a mask resembling an old Halloween gorn mask, only the snout has been elongated to look more like a gator. A wide brim straw hat appears to have been stitched into the mask. The brim is angled to look like a halo. A small hole in the corner of his plastic toothy smile is so he can easily access his cigarettes, but at the moment it holds a piece of straw to complete his lackadaisical country swagger. Instead of traditional tights, he wears overalls and vintage Florida Gators tee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. After considering the Hardkore Florida slight, Florida Man now sees this as Rocky 4, with him being Drago and Marty being Apollo Creed.
Phillip Blauer: That would make me both Adrian and Bridgette Nielson.
Greg Jin: “Ladies and gentleman, this is the main event of the evening!”
The Rancho Rio Events Center gives Greg a loud ovation
Greg Jin: “The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Kilroy Evans!”
The audience cheers loudly as Kilroy waves back at them. Florida Man and Marty Donovan both scowl at him
Greg Jin: “Featuring first, the challenger. From Cheshire, Connecticut, Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 218 pounds…MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
The Albuquerque crowd jeers Donovan who does an old fashioned double wrist shake over both shoulders
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from America’s Wang, God’s Waiting Room, The Gunshine State of Florida; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 198 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…FLORIDA MAN!!!”
The fans boo Florida Man loudly as he holds the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Kilroy Evans gives Florida Man and Marty Donovan the final instructions as they stare at one another
Phillip Blauer: Cripes, is this really necessary? How are two men in a World title match and don’t know the rules to professional wrestling yet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy is just making sure there’s no confusion on either of their parts.
Florida Man and Marty go to lock up, but Kilroy calls a halt to the proceedings
Phillip Blauer: Jiminy Christmas, what now?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans patting down Marty to make sure there are no foreign objects in his tights, boots…and now his hair?
Kilroy Evans then turns to Florida Man, who warns Kilroy not to touch him. Kilroy points to the Hardkore World insignia on Tommy Milligan’s stretched out t-shirt, and threatens to disqualify him
Phillip Blauer: Look at this abuse of power. ACAB! ACAB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Do you even know what that means?
Phillip Blauer: Of course. All Carolinians Are Bastards.
Kilroy Evans pats down Florida Man, and immediately finds a fried chicken drumstick tucked in his overalls. The audience does a drawn out “Ooooh” as Florida Man gestures apologetically towards a disappointed Marty
Phillip Blauer: Come on, he planted that!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy now dutifully eating the foreign object so it cannot be used.
Phillip Blauer: I can’t believe we have to wait for him to finish.
Kilroy then steps through the ropes out to the floor and asks Guillermo to stand up
Phillip Blauer: You don’t have to do that, Guillermo. ACAB! ACAB!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I have nothing to hide, Phil.
Kilroy Evans starts patting down Guillermo, and finds a flask in his inside pocket
Guillermo O’Bannon: Oh that? Oh. That’s…um, Snapple? No, I…need that for…I’ve had a cold recently and…
Kilroy apologetically puts the flask back in Guillermo’s pocket, and pats O’Bannon’s breast pocket. Then he asks Phil to stand up
Phillip Blauer: I will be doing no such thing. I know my rights.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, Phil. He’s a referee now.
Phillip Blauer: Why does he have to search the announcers? So the rest of the world can know about your functional alcoholism?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Come on, I’ve got a red eye to Santa Fe tonight and I don’t want to spend all night at the Albuquerque airport turning down turquoise saleswomen.
Phillip Blauer: Fine!
Kilroy pats down Phil and immediately finds brass knuckles
Phillip Blauer: I have a perfectly good reason for those. I use them to knead dough for my famous cashew pizza.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You should be fined just for that.
Kilroy finds a lighter and flash paper in Phil’s coat pocket
Phillip Blauer: That’s for my magic show later. For blind children.
Guillermo O’Bannon: How would they see the tricks?
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know maybe the power of imagination?!?
Kilroy continues the pat down and finds a large bag of talcum powder
Phillip Blauer: Oh, I can explain…that is…cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine. I have a huge problem.
Kilroy Evans: Yeeeeeer outta here!!
Phillip Blauer: What?! You can’t kick me out? Are you crazy??
Phil starts kicking dirt on Kilroy’s shoes, so Evans does the same as Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. drags Phil away
Phillip Blauer: Larry?! What are you doing? Lare Bear?!?!
With a heavy heart, Larry Valentine Jr. drags Phil to the back. Kilroy Evans slides back into the ring and asks if both Florida Man and Marty Donovan if they’re ready. Both incredulously say that they are. Yolanda Ando sits next to Guillermo as the next in line as announcer of their YouTube dark matches. Kilroy signals for the bell
Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship
Florida Man vs. Marty Donovan
Guillermo O’Bannon: And we’re underway! Florida Man punches Marty over and over backing him into a corner. He climbs up on the turnbuckles and hammers him with forearms.
The Albuquerque crowd counts along until they get to eight, when Marty Donovan grabs Florida’s legs and walks him out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan inverted atomic drops Florida Man! Florida Man clutches his balls, drops down to his knees, and then delivers a low blow on Marty! Both men down!
Yolanda Ando: Not my area of expertise, but I believe both men are doing this for attention.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I assure you, they are not.
Yolanda shrugs. Kilroy Evans starts on the double count
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Both men lie flat, holding their balls
FIVE!
SIX!
Yolanda Ando: This really seems excessive.
SEVEN!
Marty rolls on his side, while Florida Man gets on his hands and knees
EIGHT!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We might have a double countout if neither man can get to his feet.
NINE!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man gets to his feet and this match will continue! He kicks Marty Donovan in the stomach, and then begins choking him!
Yolanda Ando: I thought these guys were friends?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty’s probably fine with some light strangulation between friends. Florida Man now biting Donovan!
Yolanda Ando: That doesn’t seem like light biting.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is not. Donovan finally pushes him off, and tries to kick him, but Florida Man catches his leg. Marty swings around with an enzuigiri!
The audience boos. Marty pulls Florida Man up by the mask and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan tumbles into a rolling wheel kick!
Yolanda Ando: I was gonna say something about educated feet, but then I remembered it was Marty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s ok, you’ll get it. Marty pulls him up into a full nelson and then dragon suplexes Florida Man with a nice bridge!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty kicks Florida Man in the stomach, takes him over in a side headlock takedown, and then applies a pluma blanca!
The Rio Rancho Events Center jeers as Marty Donovan clamps down on the head scissors while trying to separate Florida’s arm from the rest of his body
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan trying to win his second Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship here in Albuquerque. Marty’s first match in Albuquerque was in May of 2006 when he lost his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Championship to “Platinum” Pat Bozzini in a ladder match. In September of 2007, he and Dougie Ray Bullet lost to The Fists of Blood in a four weapons on a pole match for the Hardkore World Tag Team titles. In January 2010, he successfully defended the Hardkore America Heavyweight Championship over Lucifer Jones in a steel cage match. In May of 2012, he, Kota, and The Shootfighter lost to Andrew Karnage, Bruno, and “Tigerheart” Rally Jackson. The last time Marty was here was in December of 2022 when he, Alexander Von Blankenship, and “The High Roller” Wesley Crane defeated Tuxedo Mask, Syberus, and Kilroy Evans in a texas tornado match.
Kilroy Evans keeps asking Florida Man if he wants to give up, but gets obscenities in return
Guillermo O’Bannon: I apologize that you had to hear that, Yolanda.
Yolanda Ando: Nothing is as offensive as those coveralls with that straw hat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan rocks back with Florida Man’s arm, but the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion finally gets to the ropes.
Kilroy Evans calls for a break, but Marty continues to wear down Florida Man with pluma blanca, ignoring him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans stomps Marty, making him release the pluma blanca!
Yolanda Ando: Marty not used to having to listen to a referee.
Marty Donovan gets up and shoves Kilroy. The audience boos. Kilroy cocks back to punch Donovan, and Marty covers his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty has his face covered, so he doesn’t see Florida Man come over the ropes with a slingshot punch!
Yolanda Ando: Not sure I’ve ever seen that move, nor wanted to.
Florida Man sweeps Marty’s arm towards his body with his foot, and then pulls off an imaginary elbow pad and pretends to throws it into the crowd
Yolanda Ando: Is he miming?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man hits the ropes, comes back, does a little shimmy, and then drops the people’s elbow.
Yolanda Ando: The Rock is kind of from Florida, so I guess he has permission.
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man applies a claw. He pushes down on Marty’s forehead with that palm, while squeezing his temples with his fingers.
Kilroy Evans crouches down, asking Marty if he wants to give up. Florida Man warns Kilroy to stay away from him but Evans points to Tommy Milligan’s stretched out t-shirt again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty fights his way to his feet, but Florida Man still has that claw on. Donovan punches Florida in the stomach a few times to break the claw. Florida Man irish whips him into the ropes, but Marty comes back with a flying forearm!
Florida Man sprawls out, and Marty Donovan kips up to his own amusement. He pulls Florida up by the mask and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan follows him in with a jarring dropkick!
Marty Donovan sweeps Florida Man’s legs out from under him in the corner. He steps through the ropes out onto the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan slingshots over the ropes into a dropkick to Florida Man sitting against the turnbuckles!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” at Florida Man squishing against the turnbuckles. Donovan grabs him by the leg and drags him out of the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty wraps his legs around Florida Man’s leg and drops down into a cross kneebar!
Florida Man sits up in pain, and when Marty wrenches on his knee again, he falls back down to the mat. Kilroy Evans sees his shoulders down and counts
…ONE!
…Florida Man sits back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan arches his back, twisting Florida Man’s knee in a bad position.
Yolanda Ando: Marty Donovan trying to make Florida Man’s knee as crooked as his teeth.
Kilroy Evans asks Florida Man if he wants to give up, but doesn’t get an answer. Florida Man lies back down in anguish, and Kilroy counts his shoulders down
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man sits back up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man kicks Marty off with his free leg. He hobbles to his feet and Miami Dolphin Kicks Donovan before he can get to his feet!
The Rio Rancho Events Center lets out a loud “OH!” as Marty’s head rocks back
Yolanda Ando: He really is quite limber in those overalls.
Florida Man steps through the ropes out onto the apron. The crowd jeers. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida with a slingshot punch! He flips into a standing senton across Donovan’s stomach!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man pulls Marty up by the hair and tosses him over the top rope to the floor below!
The audience winces at the awkward way that Marty Donovan landed on the concrete
Yolanda Ando: That did not look good.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan finally pulls himself up by the apron, but Florida Man comes off the ropes with a baseball slide kick!
Marty Donovan is propelled hard into the steel guardrail, and the clang rings through the Rio Rancho Events Center. Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle with his back toward Marty against the railing. He hops backward into a coffin drop that smashes Marty into the railing again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Leap of Faith on Marty against that railing!!
Both Donovan and Florida Man lie on the floor as the audience buzzes with concern. Florida Man finally gets to his feet and pulls Donovan up by the hair. He rolls Marty back into the ring, but then hangs Donovan’s head off the side of the apron. Florida Man climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida Man comes off the top with a guillotine leg drop that nearly decapitates Marty Donovan!!
Donovan rolls to the floor, while Florida Man recovers by the ringpost. The crowd boos Florida Man. He slides a table out from underneath the ring, and sets it up at ringside. He loads Marty onto the table and then climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Florida runs along the apron and leaps off with a big splash but Donovan rolls out of the way, and FML goes right through the table!!
The crowd pops for the table breaking. Florida Man lies in the cracked in half table, as Marty Donovan slowly crawls onto the apron. He pulls himself up by the ropes, and then hops onto the middle of the second rope, backflipping into an asai moonsault DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Reedy Creek Racing on the concrete!!
Yolanda Ando: The wreckage is everywhere!
Marty Donovan slides back into the ring. Kilroy orders Marty to remain in the ring, but Marty slaps his hand away. Donovan runs into the ropes and gets some momentum
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan somersaults over the ropes into a senton on Florida Man on the floor, smacking him into the railing!!
The audience lets out a loud “OH” in reaction to Florida Man’s body hitting the steel.
Yolanda Ando: Marty better learn to keep his hands to himself if he doesn’t want to deal with Kilroy one way or the other.
Marty Donovan rolls Florida Man back into the ring, and then climbs up to the apron. He propels himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan catches Florida Man with a springboard tornado DDT!!
The impact bounces Florida Man up to his knees, and then he falls flat on his face. Marty Donovan rolls him over into a cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Florida Man gets his foot on the bottom rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans tapping Marty on the shoulder to tell him that Florida Man’s foot is on the ropes, and Marty again, pushes Kilroy away.
Yolanda Ando: So far, Kilroy has called this completely down the middle. Marty has no reason to be mad with his officiating.
The audience boos as Marty throws his arms up, asking Kilroy why he didn’t count to three. Kilroy points to the bottom rope, asserting that Florida Man got his foot on there. Marty kicks the ropes in frustration, and then turns around into a superkick to the groin
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty is blindsided by Sweet Crotch Music!
Kilroy urges Florida Man to keep his kicks above the belt, but he ignores Evans. Florida Man hooks Marty’s leg and then lifts him up into a cradle DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: Banana Peel Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Marty Donovan kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
When Florida Man gets back to his feet, Kilroy gets in his face. He warns him that he’ll disqualify Florida if he continues to do low blows
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy was hoping for a clean contest and seems not to be satisfied with both men’s behavior.
Yolanda Ando: That’s a pretty big club right now.
Florida Man uses the ropes to jump on Marty Donovan’s back over and over like a trampoline
Guillermo O’Bannon: Touch The Sky!! Over and over, Florida Man double stomps Marty’s back!
Kilroy has finally seen enough and pulls Florida Man off of Marty. He screams at him to stop using the ropes for leverage. Florida Man finally reaches into his overalls
Yolanda Ando: (to Hardkore Director Danny Valentine Jr.) Um, maybe we should cut to another shot, Danny?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, she’s right, Danny. No one needs to see this…(screams) Ahhh! Oh wait, it’s a SNAP Debit card?
Florida Man offers to split this month’s check with Kilroy if he lets him win. The boos rain down on him, as he explains the complicated scheme that would probably get Kilroy two years for fraud
Yolanda Ando: He’s the Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion and he’s still receiving government assistance?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Back in the day, that was a lot of guys.
Kilroy Evans slaps the SNAP card out of Florida Man’s hand and into the stands. The Albuquerque fans that aren’t tussling for the card, gasp
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans will not be bribed by anything that doesn’t come in a bucket with a large fountain drink!
Florida Man cracks Kilroy Evans with a roundhouse right and the audience gasps again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kira’s Jawbreaker to Kilroy, the referee!
Kilroy staggers back and Marty Donovan climbs to the top turnbuckle behind him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty Donovan catches him from behind with a reverse huracanrana, drilling his head into the mat!!
Both men stand over Kilroy Evans, looking down on him. Then Florida Man turns towards Marty
Guillermo O’Bannon: Donovan ducks a Kira’s Jawbreaker and german suplexes him…but there’s no referee!
Yolanda Ando: I wonder why?
Marty Donovan steps up to the second turnbuckle and points to the announce position
Yolanda Ando: Aw, that’s sweet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think he’s looking for Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Why would anyone do that?
Donovan jumps off the second turnbuckle with a panama sunrise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marty goes for a Costa Pacifica Sunrise, but Florida Man back drops him! He lifts Marty up into a suplex, and then drops him on his head with a Mindblower brainbuster!
Florida Man irish whips Marty into the ropes and hits him with a high angle knee strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Marcechochicknee!! He bounces off the ropes and hits a leg drop! He makes the cover but Kilroy is not there to count!
Florida Man slaps the mat over and over and yells at Kilroy to get up and make the count
Yolanda Ando: Why if it isn’t the consequences of his own actions.
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Florida Man pulls Marty Donovan up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes again, and dips down for a backdrop. But Donovan double underhooks his arms, and flips him into a tiger driver ‘98
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ollie Driver ‘22!!
Kilroy Evans quickly comes to life and slides over to make the pin
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
The Albuquerque fans boo and Marty Donovan collapses to his side in exhaustion. “Dope the Big Lie” by Chunky A plays and Kilroy Evans goes to get the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship from Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr.
Greg Jin: “At 26 minutes 51 seconds, THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND ONCE AGAIN, HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION…MARTY DONOVAN!!!”
Kilroy Evans hands an intimidated Marty Donovan the Hardkore World Heavyweight Championship. Marty quickly snatches it away from him and backs away. He turns around and holds the title belt up in triumph
Guillermo O’Bannon: You have to hand it to them, that was an amazing match. Florida Man and Marty Donovan double teamed Kilroy out of frustration, and it cost them both on their subsequent pin attempts. But Marty Donovan hit that Ollie Driver ‘22 to become a two time Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
Florida Man holds the back of his head and staggers to his feet. Marty Donovan steps down from the ropes and turns around to meet Florida Man’s gaze.
Yolanda Ando: Now we see if they’re partnership can withstand a devastating world title loss from one to the other.
Florida Man and Marty Donovan are chest to chest, panting. Suddenly Phil Blauer runs down to the ring
Phillip Blauer: “Wait! Wait!”
Phil Blauer steps into the ring and gets between Marty and Florida Man. He pulls out a wad of bills and holds it up between them, like Undertaker’s urn. Florida Man and Marty get a gleam in their eyes and stare at it
Yolanda Ando: This is weird.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who knows why Phil has this kind of bizarre hold over these two?
Yolanda Ando: Well, it’s money isn’t?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s anybody’s guess! But we have a new Hardkore World Champion here tonight, Marty Donovan! Join us in Las Vegas next month fans, where we will have a Wargames match!
