Beatnik Beatdown
Jun 10, 2024 18:44:07 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Jun 10, 2024 18:44:07 GMT -5
Tuna Meltzer’s Wrestling with the News
The following Beatnik Beatdown 2024 show report was submitted by Jake Mitchell from Kalispell, MT:
Some of you might remember that I submitted reports for the prior two Hardkore Florida shows that randomly took place in Montana. Given that the third show was booked to actually be in the right state, I didn't plan to attend. However, Marty Donovan found my previous reviews to be "stiffski" and bought me a plane ticket to see "their best show yet".
Hardkore Florida
BEATNIK BEATDOWN
The Jack Kerouac House
St. Petersburg, Florida
St. Petersburg, Florida
Apart from having a famous former owner, the venue of this show was like any suburban Florida home with fenced in backyard. 30 people attended the show and everyone, but me, was either family or friends of Allie Rush, better known as Allie Gator. The local St.Pete girl has yet to win a match, but everyone there had a sign or shirt of hers.
Surprise Guest
Buckcherry played as Phil Blauer strutted out in a trench coat and those stupid sunglasses that have reptile eyes in them. He told the viewers not to adjust their television sets, the best commentator in the business has just jumped ship to Hardkore Florida. He apologized for this show being several months late, but explained the Kerouac family/ city of St.Pete did everything possible to block it from taking place. Big Phil used his wife's inheritance to take them to court and announced to the crowd they won. He then flipped the bird to a tour guide watching from the second floor of the house. The man shook his head in disgust and then closed the blinds.
The crowd/ Rush family could not care less about any of this and just kept chanting "We want Allie". This REALLY frazzled Phil who lost his train of thought a few times. Finally, he remembered to say an obviously prepared line "There can only be one alpha in a pack and clearly The Blau-Dog had spooked that would be champion". He then explained that beloved Florida Dog, ACE, had gone berserk early in the day and nearly tore poor Tinto's arm out of the socket. The mangy mutt has since been taken to the pound and stripped of the Hardkore Florida championship.
Tonight we would have a championship match between The Kentucky Wildcat and Dazzling Dandy Danny Donovan.
Commentary Team
Phil Blauer finally got his wish of doing commentary solo. He seemed to forget this rather quickly and would occasionally respond to silence with something like "That is an interesting point you bring up, Gideon." Does he normally just tune out Guillermo?
True Love Tag Titles Semi-Final Match
Reedy Creek Romantics VS John Cena & Nikki Bella
Reedy Creek Romantics VS John Cena & Nikki Bella
The Road warriors theme played as Marty Donovan marched out in the face paint and spiked shoulder pads made famous by Hawk and Animal. The color was different though, specifically this gear was Flynn Rider green. The crowd could care less and still chanted for "Allie Gator". Donovan had a sour expression on his face from that.
After some pestering from Marty, a nervous Olivia Oldham walked out in matching gear as well. Her costume was a Rapunzel purple. Donovan tried to calm his civilian girlfriend down, explaining how he has carried AVB, Florida Man and Dan Stein to tag titles on his own.
Papito walked out and informed the crowd that Nikki Bella and John Cena were no longer a couple / ineligible to compete in this tournament. Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as Marty raised his arms triumphantly.
However, not wanting to rob the paying crowd, Papito had arranged for a surprise replacement team.
After some pestering from Marty, a nervous Olivia Oldham walked out in matching gear as well. Her costume was a Rapunzel purple. Donovan tried to calm his civilian girlfriend down, explaining how he has carried AVB, Florida Man and Dan Stein to tag titles on his own.
Papito walked out and informed the crowd that Nikki Bella and John Cena were no longer a couple / ineligible to compete in this tournament. Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as Marty raised his arms triumphantly.
However, not wanting to rob the paying crowd, Papito had arranged for a surprise replacement team.
Marty Donovan had a fit as Matt and Reby Hardy walked out to a big pop. Olivia quickly tied an entire skein of string to the ring rope and then fled to the safety of the house. The former TNA world champion dominated the match from the get go. The crowd went wild as he hit Marty with an inverted facelock neckbreaker, tornado ddt and side effect. Meanwhile, Reby was livestreaming from her cellphone, banging on the locked porch door and daring Ollie to face her.
Matt went to the top rope to finish things off. Below, Marty pleaded for his life and reminded the broken superstar that they were friends, having just gone to the strip club the night before. Judging by the look on Matt's face, this was a lie. Reby was livid though. She rushed the ring and attacked her own husband, knocking Matt off the turnbuckle. This gave Marty the opening he needed to hit the formerly Disney branded v-trigger.
Adding insult to injury, Marty got the Hardy brother on his shoulders and delivered a GTS for the win as Reby stormed off alone. Donovan bragged about shattering Matt's teeth so badly that he couldn't eat his "beloved grapes" and then yelled for the tech guy to play "Metalingus". Obviously that wasn't one of the songs they had in rotation, so the crowd had to wait as Donovan stormed over there and helped them find the track on YouTube. This took an eternity.
True Love Tag Titles Semi-Final Match
Karro Maxi & Moonshiner Jacob vs Allie Gator & The Salford Squid
The non-existent roof blew off the place as Allie Gator finally appeared before her loving fans. The pop was so loud it work Phil up from his nap.
Callum transitioned into Syberus' signature "Five Minute Headlock", boring the crowd / impromptu family reunion. Moonshiner Jacob struggled to escape, his frustration mounting with each passing second.
Maxi broke the hold with a running knee to Callum's back. The ref lost control as both teams ran in and traded blows, the energy in the backyard reaching a fever pitch.
Feeding off her family's energy, Allie's attempted a high-risk crossbody off the top turnbuckle, aiming for Maxi who was momentarily distracted when the male wrestlers tumbled over the top rope. However, the experienced Karro caught Allie and delivered a tombstone piledriver. A stunned silence filled the backyard as Maxi got the three count.
Harkore Florida Women's Championship Match
Panda Demonica VS Black Tiger
The Hardkore Florida Women's Championship match could only be described as toy alley madness! Forget pinfalls and submissions, this bizarre brawl became a winner-take-all battle for a single Nerf gun in the center of the ring. Standing precariously atop the announce table, stood eight-year-old Tinto, bouncing with a mixture of excitement and sugar-fueled jitters. A bright red apple, the target in this chaotic game of William Tell, rested precariously on his head. It is worth mentioning that Tinto showed no signs of the alleged dog attack earlier, both of his arms moved fine as he continued to Fortnite Floss.
Panda Demonica, the champion, charged towards the Nerf gun with the grace of a determined panda cub (adorable but not exactly Usain Bolt). Black Tiger, the challenger, countered with the feline agility, unleashing a series of lightning-fast kicks that would make Bruce Lee proud. A normal crowd would love this match, but I was the only one left. The rest of the paying audience had gone to the front yard to console Allie.
Black Tiger attempted a hurricanrana, but instead got powerbomed for her troubles. Tinto, ever the scene-stealer, decided to take matters into his own tiny hands. He hopped off the table, grabbed the Nerf gun and with a mischievous grin, aimed it at the Scorpion. The poor ring announcer took a rubber dart to his previously injured neck."Killing Riot" the young boy proclaimed, not realizing he was 14 victims short of the Halo achievement.
A furious Marty Donovan dragged the fake orphan out of the ring and tossed the nerf gun back on the canvas. Tinto was placed back on the announce desk. Black Tiger, capitalizing on the distraction, unleashed a flurry of strikes on Panda Demonica. Forearm smashes targeted the champion's face, followed by a series of bone-rattling chops to the chest. An uppercut knocked the champion down, but she happened to land by the gun.
Panada aimed and fired, but the foam dart sailed harmlessly past the apple, narrowly missing Tinto's ear and instead connecting squarely with Phil Blauer's cheek. The color commentator collapsed out his chair and motioned for the EMTs.
Black Tiger charged in for an attack, but Panda caught her with a superkick. The cute demon went to shoot again, but Tinto had begun to eat the apple. She tried to plead with the kid to put the target back on his head. After half the target was eaten Tinto obliged, but it was too late. Black Tiger was back up and surprised the aiming champion with a devastating Black Tiger Strike. The challenger grabbed the gun and fired. This time, the dart connected with a satisfying "thwack" on the apple, sending it flying.
Intermission
The instrumental version of Werewolves of London played as Hasbullah sang his heart out. Believe me when I say it was mesmerizing. His lycan roars were filled with both heartbreak and triumph.
The wrestling mascot began to chug during a long piano solo. Moonshiner Jacob made his way to the ring to reclaim his stolen property, perhaps mistakenly concerned that a child was drinking, and a tussle ensued. AVB broke the karaoke machine over Jacob's head and left him a bloody heap. Marty came out and, in some of the worst acting I have ever seen, scolded AVB for hurting his upcoming opponent. Crew helped drag the big man from the ring, the tag team final match in jeopardy.
#1 Contender's Match
Naked Lunch Eating Contest
The most surprising cameo of the night went to Mideon, who walked out wearing only his fanny pack. The former wrestler is something of a master chef now and would be running this eating contest. Mideon had prepared a big tub of Florida Shrimp and whoever ate the most would be # 1 contender. Competing tonight would be Vile Vince Viper, Lady Liberty, and Pork Dirkmeyer. Goldbear II is currently suspended after testing positive for cocaine.
Suddenly a hand reached out of the tub of shrimp and yanked Mideon over by the fanny pack. The former Goodwin howled in pain as his genitals were cruelly twisted. Emerging from the pool of shrimp like a demon was none other than DA DICK RIPPA!
Lady Liberty ran in to save the nearly nude jobber and immediately had a a light tube broken over her head. Pork just grabbed a handful of shrimp and fled for his life. Da Dick Rippa leaped out of the tub and swung something heavy into the VVV's head.
It was a metal gasoline can! The Rippa began to pour the contents all over the bleeding Viper as security rushed down the porch. Rippa slashed through the air with his broken light tube at the calvary. He didn't notice that the crimson masked Lady Liberty had gotten back to her feet. She hit a Crown of Cassiopeia slingblade and Rippa fled through the neighborhood.
Papito declared the #1 contender match a no-contest. Mideon had to walk to the EMTs because Phil would not leave the stretcher.
True Love Tag Titles Championship Match
Karro Maxi & Moonshiner Jacob vs Reedy Creek Romantics
Karro Maxi was alone for this tag match, her husband still recovering from the karaoke attack. Marty was licking is lips at the 2-1 advantage, though that wasn't true considering Olivia has no training at all. Donovan engaged in a test of strength with the veteran and quickly began to lose it. He cut the contest short with a knee to the gut and then irish whipped Karro into the corner.
Olivia had been talked into actually standing on the apron for this match, but she was still too scared to watch.
Marty ran into the corner for a big splash, but Maxi got out of the way. Donovan turned around just in time to be hit with a shotgun dropkick that seated him in the corner. Karro then followed it up with a rolling senton. Suddenly, the tables had turned and the Hardkore World Champion found himself in a rear naked choke!
Donovan screamed for his girlfriend to help as he struggled to stay awake. A frightened Olivia reached out for a tag as AVB ran down to distract the referee. Meanhwile, Marty inched towards the apron. From under the ring came Hasbulla with the Road Warriors shoulder pads. Donovan struck Maxi in the head with one of the giant spikes and she started gushing blood.
Karo struggled to her feet only to be hit with v-trigger. Marty did a victory lap around the ring just as a bandaged Jacob stormed out the house. The Moonshiner got AVB with a massive belly to belly suplex then chucked Hasbullah over the fence into the neighbor's yard.
Panicked, Marty tagged in Olivia and ran out of the ring to brawl with Jacob. Donovan's considerably better half tried to pin Maxi, but the wounded wrestler was laying on her stomach. The ref tried to explain that they needed to face the other way, but Ollie misunderstood and rotated her own body 180 degrees. She then kept hooking arms and legs, panicked, just begging the ref to count already.
Karro started to rise to her feet like and pointed an accusatory finger at the blonde just like the Hulkster. Olivia turned to the ref and announced their team was verbally submitting.
Marty looked at his girlfriend in disbelief. AVB meanwhile tried to fish Hasbullah out of the neighbors pool with a foam noodle. Moonshiner and Maxi lifted their mixed tag titles triumphantly as I politely clapped. The 29 other " fans" had gone to Friendly's with Allie. Wrestling is really weird when you're the only person watching.
Hardkore Florida Championship Deathmatch
Dazzling Dandy Danny Donovan VS The Kentucky Wildcat
The two competitors immediately began brawling on the outside and made their way to the house porch. Donovan got the first good shot of the match when he speared Wildcat through the screen door. The action spilled into the house. Normally this would upset the live crowd, but again, I was the only one left. I don't know what the live feed was getting at this point. Phil was too injured for commentary. I just sat alone, in silence, in Jack Kerouac's backyard, wondering how my life had lead me here.
Bored, I decided to go in the house and see the match up close. Turns out the competitors had already found an unwitting audience. There was a small tour group led by a frazzled guide named Michael. His carefully scripted narrative about Kerouac's writing process was thrown into disarray as the wrestlers traded blows. A dented chair lay overturned, a lamp shattered on the floor – early casualties of the skirmish.
Next was a flurry of jabs from Danny, each more theatrical than the last. The Wildcat countered with a lightning-fast running dropkick that sent a framed photo of Kerouac askew. Michael, mid-sentence about the author's struggles with addiction, choked back a startled yelp. A series of strikes and a Muta Lock attempt from the Wildcat were met with a shower of glitter from Danny, the sparkly menace raining down on a bewildered tourist couple.
Danny lawn darted Wildcat into a bookcase, narrowly missing a first edition "On The Road." Sensing an opportunity, Danny got behind the author's beloved wooden piano in the corner. Clearly, he was planning to push it over on to his enemy. Michael, his face pale with horror, bellowed, "Stop it! You'll destroy a piece of history!"
Danny, with a cold fury in his eyes, hoisted Michael high in the air. The tourists screamed in unison as Danny executed a devastating Chokeslam, driving Michael through a rickety folding table with a sickening crack. The tour guide lay motionless, a human sacrifice to the absurdity of the situation.
Donovan spat on the underpaid employee before turning around. The Wildcat was waiting through and pounced with a special weapon - Jack Kerouac's cherished typewriter!
The instrument that gave the world The Sea is My Brother slammed against Dandy's face - an explosion of blood, teeth, and typewriter keys. The big man collapsed to the ground. The Kentuckian jumped on top of the wooden piano and soared through the air, delivering a Shooting Star Press for the three count.
The Wildcat raised his new title belt high above his head then went to the kitchen for a beer. Marty, not wanting to pay for the damages, tried to sneak out the garage. Just then, a van speed down the road and into the drive way. Marty looked at it as if he was seeing a ghost, it was the dog pound vehicle that had taken his nemesis away earlier! The back doors flew open and out charged an angry Florida Dog and an entire pack of new friends he had liberated. The barking mob chased the crooked Donovan down the block.
Papito announced that since there is no #1 contender, anyone interested can compete for the Florida championship next month in...
THE GREATEST TUXEDO MATCH EVER!