Post by Rage and Cage on Jul 6, 2024 13:48:52 GMT -5
“Woke” Wesley Rage is chilling on a couch in the High Rollers Suite. As he looks at his phone, he pauses and looks at the Commonwealth Title that’s on the table. He grins and goes back to his phone. A few seconds later, Nicholas H. Cage walks into the suite. He notices the Commonwealth Title and grins.
Cage: Hello, beautiful.
Rage: Isn’t it great? When a man isn’t separated from his labour, he enjoys it! Despite capitalism’s best shot, here I am: Commonwealth Champion.
Cage: It’s wild how they have a belt for Virginia and Massachusetts in a British company.
Rage: What?
Cage: The Commonwealth Title. I looked it up. Virginia and Massachusetts are commonwealths.
Rage: I think they mean the British Commonwealth. You know, Canada, Australia…ummm…Jamaica, I think.
Cage: Jah-makin-me crazy by not including Virginia and Massachusetts.
Rage: They’re not British!
Cage: Not with that attitude.
Rage: I can’t believe we’re the best tag team in the world.
Cage: And we get to prove it at Legacy! We’re facing the Dark Stars for the fourth, fifth, or sixth time!
Rage: Doesn’t matter. We’re undefeated against them, and that’s one trend that will continue. The Commonwealth Champion is going to show off in style!
Cage: You mean, “The Commonwealth Champions are going to show off in style!”
Rage: I can share. With the Commonwealth Title sorted, we’re going to win our tag titles back in no time! We’re bringing all the gold to the High Rollers Club!
Cage: Too bad we can’t win the World Title.
Rage: Hey, I’m one person. I’m doing what I can. I think the Commonwealth Title and uncrowned Tag Titles are pretty good. The collective of the High Rollers Club also has Reese and Crane. I believe in them.
Cage: Yeah, they’re both champions and will win more gold in the future!
Rage: And so will we! We’ll defend our unofficial status as best tag team in WUK against the Dark Stars. At this point, I’m afraid we’ll look xenophobic. We’re beating them because we were given a match. We’re not choosing to beat up refugees.
Cage: Maybe once we beat this time, the British government will send them to Rwanda!
Rage: Nic! That’s ignorant! Besides, Labour racked up some big wins. They’re basically Tories, but they act sane from time to time. Hopefully, we’ll stop treating refugees as hot potatoes.
Cage: Are the Dark Stars refugees? I thought they were time travelers.
Rage: I–I don’t remember their back story. They might be both.
Cage: Refugees from Jupiter in the future. That’s a damn shame.
Rage: Actually, I feel sorry for us.
Cage: Really?
Rage: Yeah! We look like regressive pricks for kicking their asses all the time. We never asked to fight them. We never made the match. We’re just awesome, and WUK is low on tag teams. That’s not our fault. We’re not bad people.
Cage: Maybe we should let them win.
Rage: Fuck that! We’re fighting for something bigger than us. We’re fighting for a movement. We’re fighting for the other High Rollers and the people. We have to be our awesome selves at Legacy!
Cage: Yeah, we can’t deny the world the gift of us. It’s rude to be a guest and not bring a gift.
Rage: How does that work? We’re guests, but we’re also the gift?
Cage: That’s why it’s called being “present,” bro.
Rage: That’s–That’s–brilliant.
Rage speaks with surprised disgust.
Cage: You need to listen to me more! Just like the match with the Dark Stars. You need to let me start the match. I’ll weaken them down, then you can finish them off!
Rage: So you think you can hold your own in a 1v2 match?
Cage: Easily! If I can survive set mishaps at Kick-Ass, I can do this.
Rage: What happened on the set?
Cage: Got set on fire. I did my own stunts, and there was a wardrobe malfunction. Got a second degree burn on my back because McLovin didn’t know how to work a fire extinguisher. How hard can it be?
Cage gets up and goes to the kitchen he comes back to the living room with a fire extinguisher. He tries to use it, but nothing happens.
Cage: The sticker says it’s been inspected. Did it break?
Rage: You have to pull the pin before you use it.
Cage: It’s not a grenade!
Rage: Just do it!
Cage pulls the pin, then squeezes. Foam goes everywhere. The extinguisher is now empty.
Cage: This is harder than I thought. I’ve been too hard on McLovin.
Cage tosses the empty extinguisher to the side.
Rage: Get a new one! You ruined the old one, so we need a new one!
Cage: I don’t want to!
Rage: Do it, Nic!
Cage grumbles as he pulls out his phone and dials Henderson.
Cage: Hen-DOOOOOO! We need a new fire extinguisher…No, there was no fire. Why would you ask that?...No, I was learning how to use one. Did you know you needed to pull the pin-Hello?
Cage shrugs and puts his phone away.
Cage: That counts as my chore for the day!
Rage: How does that count? You’re just fixing your own mess! We still have foam everywhere!
Cage: Washing dishes is just fixing your own mess. So is taking out the trash! Replacing a fire extinguisher is the exact same thing. And the foam is cool! It’s like Ibiza. We’re halfway to a party.
Rage: Now that’s using your head, bro! I haven’t been to a good party since I won the Commonwealth Title.
Cage: Do you want me to try to get this foam to Virginia?
Rage: No, get more fire extinguishers. It’ll be Ibiza in New York!
Cage: I bet the Dark Stars don’t have anything like this in the future…or on Jupiter. After we beat them, let’s give them some fire extinguishers!
Cage: Hello, beautiful.
Rage: Isn’t it great? When a man isn’t separated from his labour, he enjoys it! Despite capitalism’s best shot, here I am: Commonwealth Champion.
Cage: It’s wild how they have a belt for Virginia and Massachusetts in a British company.
Rage: What?
Cage: The Commonwealth Title. I looked it up. Virginia and Massachusetts are commonwealths.
Rage: I think they mean the British Commonwealth. You know, Canada, Australia…ummm…Jamaica, I think.
Cage: Jah-makin-me crazy by not including Virginia and Massachusetts.
Rage: They’re not British!
Cage: Not with that attitude.
Rage: I can’t believe we’re the best tag team in the world.
Cage: And we get to prove it at Legacy! We’re facing the Dark Stars for the fourth, fifth, or sixth time!
Rage: Doesn’t matter. We’re undefeated against them, and that’s one trend that will continue. The Commonwealth Champion is going to show off in style!
Cage: You mean, “The Commonwealth Champions are going to show off in style!”
Rage: I can share. With the Commonwealth Title sorted, we’re going to win our tag titles back in no time! We’re bringing all the gold to the High Rollers Club!
Cage: Too bad we can’t win the World Title.
Rage: Hey, I’m one person. I’m doing what I can. I think the Commonwealth Title and uncrowned Tag Titles are pretty good. The collective of the High Rollers Club also has Reese and Crane. I believe in them.
Cage: Yeah, they’re both champions and will win more gold in the future!
Rage: And so will we! We’ll defend our unofficial status as best tag team in WUK against the Dark Stars. At this point, I’m afraid we’ll look xenophobic. We’re beating them because we were given a match. We’re not choosing to beat up refugees.
Cage: Maybe once we beat this time, the British government will send them to Rwanda!
Rage: Nic! That’s ignorant! Besides, Labour racked up some big wins. They’re basically Tories, but they act sane from time to time. Hopefully, we’ll stop treating refugees as hot potatoes.
Cage: Are the Dark Stars refugees? I thought they were time travelers.
Rage: I–I don’t remember their back story. They might be both.
Cage: Refugees from Jupiter in the future. That’s a damn shame.
Rage: Actually, I feel sorry for us.
Cage: Really?
Rage: Yeah! We look like regressive pricks for kicking their asses all the time. We never asked to fight them. We never made the match. We’re just awesome, and WUK is low on tag teams. That’s not our fault. We’re not bad people.
Cage: Maybe we should let them win.
Rage: Fuck that! We’re fighting for something bigger than us. We’re fighting for a movement. We’re fighting for the other High Rollers and the people. We have to be our awesome selves at Legacy!
Cage: Yeah, we can’t deny the world the gift of us. It’s rude to be a guest and not bring a gift.
Rage: How does that work? We’re guests, but we’re also the gift?
Cage: That’s why it’s called being “present,” bro.
Rage: That’s–That’s–brilliant.
Rage speaks with surprised disgust.
Cage: You need to listen to me more! Just like the match with the Dark Stars. You need to let me start the match. I’ll weaken them down, then you can finish them off!
Rage: So you think you can hold your own in a 1v2 match?
Cage: Easily! If I can survive set mishaps at Kick-Ass, I can do this.
Rage: What happened on the set?
Cage: Got set on fire. I did my own stunts, and there was a wardrobe malfunction. Got a second degree burn on my back because McLovin didn’t know how to work a fire extinguisher. How hard can it be?
Cage gets up and goes to the kitchen he comes back to the living room with a fire extinguisher. He tries to use it, but nothing happens.
Cage: The sticker says it’s been inspected. Did it break?
Rage: You have to pull the pin before you use it.
Cage: It’s not a grenade!
Rage: Just do it!
Cage pulls the pin, then squeezes. Foam goes everywhere. The extinguisher is now empty.
Cage: This is harder than I thought. I’ve been too hard on McLovin.
Cage tosses the empty extinguisher to the side.
Rage: Get a new one! You ruined the old one, so we need a new one!
Cage: I don’t want to!
Rage: Do it, Nic!
Cage grumbles as he pulls out his phone and dials Henderson.
Cage: Hen-DOOOOOO! We need a new fire extinguisher…No, there was no fire. Why would you ask that?...No, I was learning how to use one. Did you know you needed to pull the pin-Hello?
Cage shrugs and puts his phone away.
Cage: That counts as my chore for the day!
Rage: How does that count? You’re just fixing your own mess! We still have foam everywhere!
Cage: Washing dishes is just fixing your own mess. So is taking out the trash! Replacing a fire extinguisher is the exact same thing. And the foam is cool! It’s like Ibiza. We’re halfway to a party.
Rage: Now that’s using your head, bro! I haven’t been to a good party since I won the Commonwealth Title.
Cage: Do you want me to try to get this foam to Virginia?
Rage: No, get more fire extinguishers. It’ll be Ibiza in New York!
Cage: I bet the Dark Stars don’t have anything like this in the future…or on Jupiter. After we beat them, let’s give them some fire extinguishers!