English Rage In Manchester 2024
Aug 16, 2024 3:04:23 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 4 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Aug 16, 2024 3:04:23 GMT -5
Open up on Manchester crowd waving UK flags and holding up Manchester United banners. People hold up signs that say “Marty’s A Ponce”, “Lord Snuffaluffagus”, “Kill Phil”,”Captain Righteous Is Off His Nut”, “Home of The Squid”, “AVB Has A Train Ticket To The Hospital”, ”Get Her Domino!”, fans wearing Happy Face masks, and holding up signs that say ”Every Lass Is Crazy Bout Sharp Dressed Men”, “All Hail King Syberus”, “I’ll Be Your Huckleberry, Doc”, “RIP: Jordan, Cause Of Death: Wisconsin Chain”, “Team Fairtex”, “Always Very Bloody” in AVB’s logo, “My Mate Kilroy”, “King of the West”, “The Danimal”, “AVB is Rubbish”, “Marty’s Shite”, “First Of His Name”, “Manchester’s Behind Ya Squiddy”, “6 Time Champion”, and “Dan Is Gonna Whip Your Cape To Shreds”. Many fans are wearing the Tuxedo Mask soccer jerseys. The camera fades out to Guillermo and Phil in his ring gear, which is a yellow bodysuit with elbow and knee pads, and goggles for some reason
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to Manchester, England! We’re here for the first time since April of 2007! I am here with Phil Blauer, who will be wrestling his first match and…Phil, what are you doing?
Phil’s butler Worthington is pouring celery juice on Phil’s forehead
Phillip Blauer: A special trick I thought of. I’m applying a liberal amount of vegetable juices to my body so Kilroy cannot bite it. It’s foolproof. Unless of course, Kilroy wears a mouth guard made of flank steak and…(taps the mic on his headset) This thing isn’t on yet, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our main event is two time champion Marty Donovan putting his championship on the line against 5 time champion King Syberus, here in Syberus’ hometown.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, he’s from Manchester, but so are the Bee Gees. Do you think people like the Bee Gees more than Marty? Staying Alive? Funkytown? Enter Sandman? We Are the World?!?!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Most of those are not Bee Gee songs.
Phillip Blauer: You see where your logic just eats itself?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a stretcher match between Alexander Von Blankenship and Syrus Wilder, a Wisconsin chain match with Roscoe Law and Anthony Jordan, and a country whippin match with Dan Stein and Captain Righteous, plus all the title matches here at English Rage in Manchester!
“Don’t Look Back in Anger” by Oasis plays and the crowd leaps to their feet! “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders as the fans sing along to his theme
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, Manchester born and bred, former Hardkore California Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall! He was adamant that he be at this show to wrestle in front of his countrymen, his fellow Mancunians.
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, he’s been brainwashed!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? No, that’s a Manchurian Candidate. And that was a movie. Mancunians are people from Manchester.
Phillip Blauer: He could snap at any moment. His trigger code is probably “fried fish in a styrofoam takeaway box”.
Callum Cornwall holds up the Manchester flag in the center of the ring and waves it for the roaring audience
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to the first ever, English Rage in Manchester 2024!”
The AO Arena explodes and starts singing and swaying
We shall not, we shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
Just like the team that's gonna win the Football League (again)
We shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
Just like the team that's gonna win the Football League (again)
We shall not be moved
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in Greater Manchester, England!”
The crowd cuts him off with an ear splitting pop, then the crowd starts singing again
M, U, F, C!
Harry Maguire!
Harry Maguire!
He fucked off Leicester,
For Manchester,
His head's fucking massive!
M, U, F, C!
Harry Maguire!
Harry Maguire!
He fucked off Leicester,
For Manchester,
His head's fucking massive!
Phillip Blauer: Alright, alright. My foot has an appointment with Kilroy’s keister. Let’s keep this moving.
Greg Jin: “Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds; ‘THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The AO Arena gives him a homecoming ovation as Cornwall begins to stretch for his match.
The AO Arena goes dark as the beat to "Got it on Me" by Pop Smoke interrupts the darkness
"Look
Have mercy on me, have mercy on my soul
Don't let my heart turn cold
Have mercy on me, have mercy on my soul
Don't let my heart turn cold
Have mercy on many men
Many, many, many, many men
Wish death 'pon me
Yeah, I don't cry no mo'
I don't look to the sky no mo'
'Cause I got it on me"
A spotlight shines on Doc Holiday as he stands at the top of the entrance ramp, hood up on his black AW wrestling sweatshirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, the former Action Wrestling North American Champion Doc Holiday.
Holiday’s head slowly bobs to the music as he walks to the ring looking very focused on the task at hand. The Manchester fans jeer and boo him as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday is here in Hardkore World after his contract talks with Action Wrestling broke down, and they couldn’t come to an agreement on a number. Sources believe Doc is open to returning to Action Wrestling at some point, and may be using his appearances around the wrestling world as leverage to force them back to the bargaining table.
Phillip Blauer: Hardkore World is like that skanky girl you take out so that your ex sees you two together.
Doc stops short of the ring apron, and pauses for a moment before he jumps straight onto the ring apron. He slides under the middle rope, going to the center of the ring where he embraces the boos from the crowd with a sly smirk and his arms out.
Yolanda Ando: Doc Holiday is wearing some black board shorts with "Doc" on one side, "Holiday" on the other in shiny green satin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Doc Holiday taking on Callum Cornwall in front of Squid’s friends and family, in a hostile arena, in an unfamiliar territory.
Green pyros go off behind him as he lifts his arms, shooting from left to right and then right to left.
Phillip Blauer: Wow! He brought pyros!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Oakland, California; He stands 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds…DOC HOLIDAY!!!”
Holiday gets a heavy round of jeers and heckling, with fans chanting “Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?” which he ignores
Doc Holiday vs. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Callum Cornwall goes in for a lock up, but Holiday catches him with an arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday twists Cornwall’s arm. He gives Squid’s arm another crank, and then back kicks him in the face.
Cornwall charges in on Holiday, but Doc trips him with a drop toehold. He grabs Squid’s arm and flips him in a fireman’s carry takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday’s arm gets caught in an armbar. Callum sticks his knee into the ball of Doc’s shoulder and clamps down on the trapped arm.
The audience applauds as Cornwall wrenches back on Holiday’s wrist and elbow, trying to pull his arm out of its socket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday works his way to his feet with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall hanging on to that armbar. He cranks back on that shoulder, continuing to wear down the former Action Wrestling CBS Champion.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t say? Why that means he was probably champion of quality programming like Young Sheldon and Fire Country.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, I guess. Doc Holiday takes his free arm and rakes the eyes of Callum Cornwall to escape the armbar.
The AO Arena jeers. Doc Holiday follows it up with a right hook to Callum Cornwall’s solar plexus. He follows it up with a left cross across Squid’s cheekbone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday roughing him up in the ropes, and stands Squid up with an uppercut. He twirls around into a spinning back fist!
Callum Cornwall seems to get caught with that one, and then Doc Holiday irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday takes Cornwall over in a flying headscissors takedown!
Cornwall sits up from the impact and then falls back down. The Manchester crowd boos as Holiday motions for Squid to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum ducks a spinning back kick, and then runs Holiday into the ropes and then rolls back into a backroll press!
…ONE!
…Doc Holiday kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall catches Doc getting up with a running european uppercut, and then knocks him to the mat with a discus elbow!
The AO Arena pops as “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall applies a spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall with spinning toe hold! He wrenches Doc Holiday’s ankle towards the rest of his body.
The fans chant “BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT!” so Callum Cornwall gives his leg another spin. Doc Holiday cries out in pain and falls back to the mat. Referee Tommy Milligan checks in to see if Holiday wants to give up but he shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: I wonder if as CBS Champion, Doc Holiday got to talk to the stars of Bull? That would have been around that time, I do believe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never saw it.
Phillip Blauer: Are you kidding me? It was loosely based on the life of Dr. Phil, and by that I mean, completely true. Bull was a jury analyst…and a loose cannon!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gives that spinning toe hold another wrench, twisting Doc’s knee.
The Manchester audience start singing to the tune of “You Are My Sunshine”
You are my Cornwall
My only Cornwall
You make me happy
When skies are gray
Oh Syberus
Was fucking dearer
So please don't take
My Cornwall away
The AO Arena claps for Cornwall. The veteran Holiday grabs a hold of Squid’s hair and rocks him in the temple with a right hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday catches a rising Callum Cornwall between the eyes with a pele kick!
The audience boos. Doc Holiday pulls Squid to his feet by the hair, and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc drills his head into the mat with a huracanrana!
The heckling gets louder as Doc Holiday blocks it out and pulls Cornwall up into a side headlock and walks him into the corner
Phillip Blauer: I wonder if Doc got to appear on any episodes of Blue Bloods as CBS Champion? You could probably do a whole channel for the Irish Americans of Tom Selleck reading the newspaper while you try to make him proud of you for once.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hate to admit that I would like to try. I’d tell him I got on the football team, and he wouldn’t even lower his newspaper. “Your mother told me. JV, right?” I would hear from behind the Boston Herald. (snaps out of it) Doc Holiday runs out of the corner into the center of the ring with a bulldog!
The boo birds rain down on Doc Holiday as he steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday leaps off with a springboard crossbody!! Did you see the height he got on that one?
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gets to his hands and knees, but Doc punt kicks him in the head!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Holiday’s boot meeting Cornwall’s skull. Holiday backs up and does the making it rain signal to the jeers of the audience
Phillip Blauer: Don’t mind if I do!
Phil throws a bunch of money in the air and the fans behind him clamors to catch it all. Inside the ring, Doc Holiday gets a running start and then sentons Cornwall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Paper Chase!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday applies his Million Dollar Scream crippler crossface!
The AO Arena rocks with boos as Doc Holiday locks his hands together underneath Cornwall’s chin. Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he gives up, but Squid refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday pushes off with his legs, peeling back Cornwall’s head and arm. He cinches in the Million Dollar Scream for one last wrench, and The Squid is forced to tap out!
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and "Got it on Me" by Pop Smoke plays. The Manchester crowd jeers as Doc Holiday releases the Million Dollar Scream
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 44 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…DOC HOLIDAY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In front of an unusually hostile crowd, Doc Holiday scores a win over the hometown boy Callum Cornwall!
Milligan raises Holiday’s arm as the jeers and heckling rain down on him. Doc then steps through the ropes out to the floor, ignoring the middle fingers and hatred
Phillip Blauer: Doc just improved his stock in his contract dispute with his former bosses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And who knows, maybe he’ll stick around Hardkore World?
Phillip Blauer: Why in God’s name would he do that?
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A voice over matching reenactments
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Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Phillip Blauer: I tell you Gepetto, this place just relaxes me. When I drive here in England, there aren’t a bunch of road ragers screaming at me “You’re driving on the wrong side of the road! Don’t drive from the passenger seat!” like at home. Bunch of nuts over there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the first big match for NOMAD here in Hardkore World where he will be taking on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen who is returning from injury.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Manchester fans cheer as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: In May of 2023, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen suffered broken ribs in Tacoma, during a Sooner Squeeze Challenge put on by former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts. He took time off to heal his ribs and other nagging injuries he’s incurred over his 16 year career.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, if Jonnie is giving out guaranteed money I’d take as much mailbox money I could.
The Manchester fans pat Dirk van Thijmen on the back and shoulders as he walks down the aisle. Mickie Fury slaps hands with people near ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk has been training in his home of Belgium, also knocking off some ring rust recently in matches in Santa Fe and Laughlin.
Phillip Blauer: Probably hobnobbing with the Belgian elite like Kim Clijsters and Jean-Claude Van Dam.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen steps through the ropes and holds up his arms. The AO Arena cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen isn’t intimidated by NOMAD and what he accomplished in Tap Out, and thinks NOMAD should be the one honored to wrestle him.
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that a fine how do you do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk looks to take advantage of NOMAD’s unfamiliarity with the Hardkore World wrestling scene and beat the former Tap Out Champion on one of his first nights in the company.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers Dirk and Mickie
Lights out. White flashes in time with a screeching ringing sound. Three times... Three more... A hulking figure bursts through the curtain into the view of the crowd as the lights flash on and off to “Show Me The Body” by Aspirin. The masked NOMAD stands there, bobbing slightly to the drumbeat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In our biggest free agent acquisition of the year, Hardkore Jonnie Valentine signed the final Tap Out Champion, NOMAD.
Phillip Blauer: Tap Out closed?? But I was on my 5th interview for back up to the C announcer over there? I had to listen to the Talent Relations explain to me how they were like a family over there, right after explaining their ability to terminate me without cause!
NOMAD takes his time in surveying his surroundings before he begins making his way toward the ring, ignoring the hands that reach or swipe at him from over the barriers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His final title defense in that company was against Poena, The Sanctified in Las Vegas. He considered hanging it up but decided against it, as he still had that hunger to compete.
Phillip Blauer: Me too. No…wait, it’s for poutine. False alarm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now he comes over to Hardkore World where he’s still adjusting to the travel schedule after mostly wrestling in Las Vegas lately. But he’s intent on making at least one big run on the West Coast before all is said and done, after proving to himself he could be the top guy in Vegas.
NOMAD climbs the closest set of stairs and kneels at the top while the song builds.
Phillip Blauer: What’s he doing now?
NOMAD jumps up, then walks along the apron and steps between the ropes, whipping the balaclava off as he does. He approaches the center of the ring with arms outstretched, holding the mask in one hand. Then he simply makes his way to the near corner prepares for the match to start
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Colville, Washington; Standing 6 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds…He is The Wanderer…NOMAD!!!”
The AO Arena cheers as he lightly acknowledges it
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen vs. NOMAD
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and NOMAD whacks Dirk with a reverse knife edge chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD with another chop, and Dirk goes down stairs with a punch to the gut.
NOMAD smashes van Thijmen with a forearm, and Dirk fires back with a clubbing forearm of his own to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: A fistfight has broken out here early, Dirk van Thijmen cracks NOMAD with a european uppercut. NOMAD responds with a knuckle arrow punch. He smashes Glorious Wolf with his own european uppercut.
Dirk van Thijmen pops NOMAD with an elbow, and then takes him over in a snapmare
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen flips him with a fireman’s carry into a hammerlock. He pulls up on NOMAD’s wrist, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
Mickie Fury applauds on the outside. NOMAD escapes by doing a go behind, but the veteran headlocks him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen grabs a side headlock on NOMAD. He locks his hands together and grinds on the temples of the former Tap Out Champion.
The audience starts singing
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
Oh, Dirk we love you
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
Oh, Dirk we love you
Phillip Blauer: Have you noticed everyone around here in England carries an umbrella?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well yeah, it rains a lot here.
Phillip Blauer: Sure. But it’s weird, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is, yeah.
NOMAD tries to lift van Thijmen up on his shoulder, but Dirk clamps down on the headlock to shut that down. NOMAD then pushes him off into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD nearly takes his head off with a big boot!
The English crowd pops. NOMAD pulls Dirk up by the hair and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD applies a stretch plum. He pulls back on van Thijmen’s head and arm, while kneeling.
Richie Richardson asks Dirk if he wants to give up but he refuses. Mickie Fury gives him words of encouragement from the outside. The audience begins singing to the tune of This Old Man
N-O-M-A-D
United are the team for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Marty fuck off home
N-O-M-A-D
United are the team for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Marty fuck off home
Phillip Blauer: I googled stretch plum to see what in blazes you’re talking about, and now I’m just going through all these really nice sweaters I could buy. Oooh, look, this one is really nice. Very cozy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. NOMAD cranks that arm, trying to separate it from the rest of his body. Finally, van Thijmen cracks him in the ribs to escape the stretch plum.
Dirk van Thijmen grabs NOMAD by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk rams NOMAD’s head into the turnbuckle again, and then lifts him up into an inverted atomic drop.
Nomad staggers out of the corner while Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen hits NOMAD right in the face with a flying dropkick!
The AO Arena reacts loudly to the height Dirk got. NOMAD gets up and runs right into a hip toss. Mickie James cheers her husband on from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen ducks underneath a tornado kick, and release german suplexes him half way across the ring!
The crowd winces at the angle that van Thijmen landed in a heap. Dirk gets up into a sitting position on the mat, but NOMAD applies a stump puller
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD with a stump puller on Dirk. He sits on the back of van Thijmen’s neck, while pulling up on Dirk’s ankles.
Richie Richardson checks in but Dirk shakes his head, refusing to submit. Mickie Fury urges her hubby not to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: James Sloane puts all his weight on the back of van Thijmen’s head, pressing his chin into his own chest. He tries to bend Dirk in half!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen continues to decline to tap out, so NOMAD releases the stump puller. NOMAD runs into the ropes and cracks a sitting Dirk with a running knee to his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus IV!!
The Manchester fans let out a collective “OH” at the impact NOMAD’s face made with van Thijmen’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD grabs Dirk around the neck and slams him into the mat with a twisting uranage!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD pulls him up by the arm, and goes for a shortarm clothesline, but Dirk ducks and runs NOMAD into the ropes, and tumbles back into a bridging backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…NOMAD kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk catches NOMAD getting up with a reverse heel kick!
The audience pops as NOMAD staggers back. Van Thijmen punches him in the stomach, and then grabs him in a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
NOMAD sits up, holding the back of his head. Dirk van Thijmen is busy stepping through the ropes out onto the ring apron. Van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle, and waits for NOMAD to turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen dives off the top turnbuckle with a flying clothesline!
Dirk pulls NOMAD up by the hair and grabs him in a front waistlock. He plants his legs and tries to flip him but is unable to get him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk going for his bearhug suplex, but NOMAD is too heavy.
NOMAD grabs Dirk by the arm and pulls him into a ripcord knee to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus!
Phillip Blauer: I thought he already did that move?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that was Nihilus IV.
Phillip Blauer: The decent thing to do is to do the moves in order.
NOMAD shows his power by lifting Dirk van Thijmen up in a hanging suplex, and then spikes the top of Glorious Wolf’s head on his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus V!!
Phillip Blauer: Now, I’m totally lost. Which one is the prequel money grab?
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD picks Dirk van Thijmen and then recklessly drops him on the back of his head with a backdrop driver!!
The crowd cheers as NOMAD motions for Dirk to get to his feet. When he does, NOMAD runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD clotheslines him wth a big lariat and then drops to his knees and makes the cover!! He sent van Thijmen end over end!!
The crowd lets out the biggest “OH” of the night so far. Mickie Fury covers her mouth in horror. NOMAD drops to his knees and makes the cover on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 28 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…NOMAD!!!”
The fans cheer as “Show Me The Body” by Aspirin plays. NOMAD raises his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD picks up where he left off in Tap Out, with a big win over Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen!
Mickie Fury helps van Thijmen to the floor. Richie Richardson raises NOMAD’s hand in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD puts the West Coast on notice, he’s here to wreck things!
Phillip Blauer: That’s my job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you’re more like the one that ruins everything.
Phillip Blauer: Gotcha.
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Wisconsin Chain Match between “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan and Roscoe Law.
Phillip Blauer: What in the Sam Hill is a Wisconsin Chain Match?? As his generous benefactor, it behooved me to look it up on AskJeeves and not one result came up. Well, there was one video but it…the accent just made it…(shudders) I don’t want to talk about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure of the rules, they have yet to be provided by Roscoe Law, but as you know, a Russian Chain match is where you have to touch four corners to win.
Phillip Blauer: Right, but in Wisconsin they would get lost counting half way through, so who knows how many corners that is?
Guillermo O’Bannon: This all started in Phoenix this past March, when Jordan and Bobby Nowa challenged him to a stretcher match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Nowa’s heat with Roscoe spilled over into a feud with Anthony Jordan and they had a cage match in Albuquerque which was marred by interference by the man sitting next to me.
Phillip Blauer: (points to Hardkore Timekeeper Randy Valentine Jr.) Tsk Tsk Tsk
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Wargames in Las Vegas, the two of them tore into one another but nothing was solved, something they hope to do tonight.
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro triggers the entrance and “LAW” in red on a black screen as classic Roscoe Law clips play throughout the entrance. Pyro shoots from the floor as Roscoe stands at the top of the stage carrying a canvas sack as he surveys the roaring audience’s reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law with that canvas sack in hand…
Phillip Blauer: With a Wisconsin chain in it, no less.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …ready to have it tear and batter the flesh of the man he has been warring with since March, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the stuff he did with Billy Nowa…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby.
Phillip Blauer: …is none of my concern. But Tony is my property now. And if he thinks he’s gonna mark up my merchandise with that crawling-with-tetanus chain, he’s got another thing coming.
Roscoe Law walks down the aisle way, slapping hands with the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is tired of Anthony Jordan slipping away and wants to be chained to him so that…
Phillip Blauer: Seems like an odd thing to want.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So that they can finally wrestle mano y mano.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so it’s a lucha libre match. Got it. Ole!
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe has short salt and pepper hair and sports a short salt and pepper beard. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed in red on them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Roscoe Law going to be very popular here tonight, he managed The Happy Faces to the Hardkore Britain Tag Team Championships back in January of 2007, when they defeated Bryan Warrior and Psychotic Goth in a TLC Match in Glasgow.
Greg Jin: "The following match is a Wisconsin Chain Match! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Roscoe Law gets the loudest pop of the night so far
“The Best" by Tina Turner plays and The OA Arena boos. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walks out from behind the curtain and stops to survey the hostile Manchester crowd
Phillip Blauer: There he is! My One Man Torture Chamber, my shooter, the man that classes up the Philthy Rich, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan also pondered what a Wisconsin Chain match is, preferring to have a standard match which is much more in his wheelhouse.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a 20 year veteran, and former USCW, BWA, CWA, and AWA World Champion. Does Andy Reid walk into a game and not know if it’s going to snow? What the devil a Wisconsin Chain Match is, is vital information, being kept from him in hopes that it will cause him to slip on a banana peel and give Roscoe some way to win. But it’s not going to happen, because whatever a Wisconsin Chain match is, it doesn’t make up for the fact that Anthony Jordan is 10 times the wrestler that Roscoe Law is.
Anthony Jordan both slowly walk to the ring. He gives his goofy grin and drinks in the boos from some fans wearing Happy Face masks and smiles at a sign that says “RIP: Jordan, Cause Of Death: Wisconsin Chain”
Phillip Blauer: That’s a threat! Larry! Seize him!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and wades out into the audience to try and catch the fan with the sign.
Phillip Blauer: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan has already beaten Roscoe in a cage…
Guillermo O’Bannon: With a chain.
Phillip Blauer: And in the Wargames match…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Which is not a one on one match.
Phillip Blauer: So what does he have to gain?
Yolanda Ando: Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. What he has to gain, is decisively defeating one of the sport’s legends in his own style of match.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the jeering fans before getting into his corner.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
The OA Arena boos
Kelly O’Connell motions for Roscoe to attach the chain to his wrist, but Roscoe shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: You see? I knew it, he’s a coward!
Roscoe Law picks up his canvas sack and walks up to the announce table right in front of Phil. He asks for a mic and Greg Jin hands him one
Roscoe Law: “Before we get started… Phil, you are a complete and utter shitbag.”
Phillip Blauer: (sputters) Wha-wha-...why you…
A small chant of “Shitbag! Shitbag! Shitbag!” gets started around the OA Arena
Roscoe Law: “But I WILL say this… you are THE best color man Hardkore World has and ever will have and I respect that.”
Phillip Blauer: Flattery will get you nowhere…but go on. Please?
Roscoe Law: “In fact, I had a couple of guys come to me and they want to learn about commentating but they don’t have any practical experience and don’t know where to start. So I took the liberty of talking to Jonnie and he said it would be OK if they job shadowed you both during my match tonight.”
Phillip Blauer: This is highly irregular…interns have to go through a rigorous vetting process that mostly involves getting Jonnie’s lunch order correct…
Roscoe Law: “Please welcome… the two-time Hardkore Britain Tag Team Champions… Happy Jack & Happy Sam… The Happy Faces!”
“Put on a Happy Face” by Tony Bennett rings throughout the arena as a giant smiley face lights up the screen. The Happy Faces appear from the back in their yellow, smiley face-adorned golf cart and are wearing their yellow body suits with yellow, smiley face masks. They wave happily to the fans as they ride to the ring and clumsily park the golf cart. They walk behind the announce desk and Happy Jack sits between Guillermo and Phil while Happy Sam sits on the other side of Phil. They go to put their headsets on while Roscoe reaches into the canvas sack.
Roscoe Law: “One more thing, Phil… This IS a Wisconsin Chain match. However, I never said who gets the chain.”
Roscoe dumps the contents of the canvas sack on the table… two sets of handcuffs linked by a two-foot-long chain. The Happy Faces quickly handcuff themselves to each of Phil’s wrists.
Phillip Blauer: Now wait a minute, bub. I don’t know what you got in mind, but you got the wrong guy…
Roscoe Law: (leans across the table) “Got these directly from Taycheedah Correctional Institution. They’ve held a lot of slimeballs in their day so they should fit you perfectly. (Roscoe gives a couple of playful slaps to Phil’s cheek and turns to the ring.) “As for you, Jordan… you’re so worried about what a Wisconsin Chain Match is. Well, I’ve had enough of chains and cages and stretchers over the last few months. Let’s fuckin’ go.”
Wisconsin Chain Match
Roscoe gets in the ring, and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: Wait, no…woah, woah, woah…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I for one, extend a big welcome to The Happy Faces, Happy Jack and Happy Sam!
Happy Jack: (happily) Thank you Mr. O’Bannon and Mr. Blauer! We are very excited to learn about wrestling commentary! Sam… say thank you to Mr. O’Bannon and Mr. Blauer.
Happy Sam: (happily) Thank you for the good seats and thanks in advance for signing my work release forms!
Phillip Blauer: How much to let me go?
Happy Sam: (happily) Silly Mr. Blauer, money doesn’t buy happiness!
Phillip Blauer: Let me at least try?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law and Anthony Jordan lock up, and Jordan goes behind him with a rear waistlock.
Roscoe tries to pry Jordan’s fingers apart, and eventually succeeds, and twists one of Anthony’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law gives Jordan’s arm another twist to sweeten the deal. But Anthony tucks his head and tumbles forward, coming up with Roscoe’s arm twisted.
The Manchester fans boo. Jordan wrenches Roscoe’s wrist, making him grimace in pain and bend down from the angle that Anthony has his arm torqued
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe is able to use his height and power advantage to turn it into a top wristlock. He pushes Anthony Jordan backwards, nearly bending him into a bridge.
The crowd cheers as Roscoe Law pushes Anthony Jordan farther and farther back with the wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan goes with the momentum and backflips into an armdrag! Anthony Jordan catches him coming with a headlock takedown.
Anthony Jordan holds him on the mat with the side headlock. He grinds the headlock on the mat
Phillip Blauer: Now this is completely unfair, Anthony Jordan trained for a Wisconsin Chain Match, and now the rug has been completely pulled out from his luxuriously slippered feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You two were complaining that you wanted a standard match, and now you aren’t happy to have one?
Happy Jack: (happily) Just be happy, Mr. Blauer.
Happy Sam: (happily) Like us!
Phillip Blauer: (shudders at the thought)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is now up to his feet, but Anthony Jordan is still hanging on to that side headlock. Law lifts him up on his shoulder and back suplexes him to the mat!
The fans cheer. Anthony Jordan rolls up to his knees and scoots away from Roscoe Law
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe hits a rising Jordan with a dropkick. He irish whips Anthony into the ropes and hits him with a hip toss.
Happy Sam: (happily) Beell Throw!
Happy Jack: (happily) No, Sam. That is the furthest thing from a Beell Throw. A good Beell Throw is when you toss your opponent up and over, like this…
Happy Jack gets up and motions his arms, almost yanking Phil out of his chair.
Phillip Blauer: Egads!
Happy Sam: (happily) You mean like this?
Happy Sam gets up and similarly motions his arms, both pulling Phil’s arms up
Phillip Blauer: Yowsers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law irish whips Anthony Jordan into the ropes and catches him with a cross body block!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan ducks a right hand, and gets underneath him with a saito suplex!
The air goes out of the Manchester crowd. Anthony Jordan pulls Roscoe Law up by the hair and scoops him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan drops him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Phillip Blauer: His back has gotta be broken!!
Happy Jack: (happily) Wow, that was loud in our headphones.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, you have to lower his volume or you won’t make it through the night.
Roscoe Law gets on his hands and knees as Anthony Jordan steps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan jumps off with an elbow drop to the middle of his spine!
The audience jeers and Roscoe clutches his back in pain. Anthony Jordan pulls him up and goes for a suplex but Law blocks it with his calf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law counters with a textbook suplex, then follows it up with a handstand into a knee drive to the throat.
Jordan rolls over on his stomach, clutching his throat and coughing. Roscoe Law grabs his foot and applies an anklelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe with an anklelock! He stands over him, twisting Jordan’s foot, trying to injure his ankle.
The OA Arena cheers. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Anthony Jordan wants to give up, but he shakes his head. The audience starts singing to the tune of “Country Roads” by John Denver
Take me home, Roscoe Law
To the place, I belong
To Old Trafford, to see United
Take me home, Roscoe Law
Take me home, Roscoe Law
To the place, I belong
To Old Trafford, to see United
Take me home, Roscoe Law
Happy Jack: (happily) You may not know this but a number of years ago, Sam and I wrestled on this side of the pond quite extensively. In fact, Roscoe mentioned that we were fortunate enough to win the Hardkore Britain Tag Team belts. That was in Scotland and Sheffield!
Phillip Blauer: Nobody cares.
Happy Sam: (happily) I used mine as a “chooter cooter board” and ate my snacks off of it!
Happy Jack: (happily) It’s “charcuterie”. And I remember. It took forever to get the Cheez Whiz out of the crevices.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law wraps his legs around Jordan’s thigh and drops down into an on the mat version of the anklelock!
Roscoe Law rolls around to not allow Anthony Jordan the chance to grab the ropes. Jordan reaches out but he’s too far away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan finally rolls onto his back and kicks Roscoe off of him to free himself of the anklelock. He grabs onto Roscoe’s foot, and starts elbowing Law’s knee.
Phillip Blauer: The more this turns into hand to hand combat, the more it favors The Role Model.
Guillermo O’Bannon: More elbows to the knee, making Roscoe sit up in pain.
Anthony Jordan pulls him up by the hair, and traps both of his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan with a double arm trap suplex!
Roscoe Law pulls himself up by the ropes. Anthony Jordan measures him as he gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan chop blocks Roscoe Law’s knee out from under him!
Roscoe holds his knee in pain and cries out. Anthony Jordan pulls him up once again and hooks his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan gives him a shinbreaker atomic drop! He lifts him up and gives him a second one!
Roscoe tries to put some weight on his affected leg, and then collapses. Jordan runs towards the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law catches Anthony Jordan at full speed ahead, and hotshots his throat on the top rope!
Anthony Jordan backpedals right into Roscoe, who grabs him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law wraps their legs together and applies a leg slicer! He pushes down his own calf, to put the pressure on Anthony’s knee and calf.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Anthony Jordan continues to refuse to give up. Anthony Jordan reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe pulls down on Jordan’s foot, trying to hyperextend the knee.
Happy Sam: (happily) I need to use the potty! Where is it?
Happy Jack: (happily) Sam! You should have went earlier. We’re supposed to be calling this match right now.
Happy Sam: (happily) Never mind! It’s over there!
Sam motions offscreen with his handcuffed arm, violently jerking Phil to one side.
Phillip Blauer: Watch it, you clod!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I gotta say, I love Wisconsin Chain Matches so far.
Happy Jack: (happily stern) Sam… if you’re not going to call the match properly, sit quietly and find something else to do.
Happy Sam: (happily pouts) Fine.
Sam pulls a small rag and bottle out of his tights and uses the bottle’s contents to clean the chain of his handcuffs. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan has rolled to the side and reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan grabs hold of the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Roscoe to break the leg slicer.
Jordan pulls himself up by the ropes, as Roscoe Law kicks him in the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan catches one of his kicks and gives him a slow motion dragon screw.
Roscoe holds his knee in pain. The audience boos. Anthony Jordan comes over and hits Law’s kneecap with a few more elbows. He holds Roscoe’s legs spread eagle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan knee drops the side of Roscoe’s knee!
Roscoe howls in pain, clutching his knee and rolling to the side. Law stomps his toes into the mat from the severe discomfort. Jordan picks him up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan catches Roscoe on the way back with a belly to belly suplex!
Anthony Jordan pulls Roscoe up into an inverted facelock, and then swings into an eye of the hurricane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan Twist!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Roscoe Law kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan grabs Roscoe’s leg and turns around into a spinning toe hold! He twists that foot towards Law’s body, trying to pop his knee out of place.
The AO Arena boos. Kelly O’Connell repeatedly asks Roscoe Law if he wants to give it up, but he keeps refusing
Happy Sam: (happily) Step over toe hold!
Happy Jack: (happily) That is not even close to a step over toe hold, friend of friends. You have to reach down and grab the leg like this…
Happy Jack reaches down to the floor with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil to the side
Phillip Blauer: Cheese and crackers!
Happy Sam: (happily) But I thought you had to lift the foot, like this…
Happy Sam reaches up with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil in the opposite direction
Phillip Blauer: Oh God, why??
Happy Jack: (happily) Yes, but you need to grab the foot first…
Happy Jack reaches down again with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil towards him.
Phillip Blauer: My microphone holding arm!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan gives Roscoe Law’s leg another turn with that spinning toe hold!
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Roscoe Law tells her he won’t give up. Jordan leans down, to put Roscoe’s knee in an awkward position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law pulls Jordan’s head towards him and smashes him with a couple of right hands to free himself from the spinning toe hold.
Roscoe Law gets up limping a little. He kicks Jordan in the stomach, and then pulls Anthony’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe powerbombs him, holds onto his legs, and then leg drops him in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Real nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He gets up, maintaining the legs, and gives his own spinning toe hold, falling back into a figure four leglock!
The Manchester crowd roars as Anthony Jordan sits up from the pain. Roscoe clamps down on Jordan’s twisted legs, trying to break his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan unsuccessfully tries to unlace their legs, but Roscoe just tightens the figure four!
Kelly O’Connell crouches over them, asking Jordan if he wants to submit. Jordan shakes his head, and tries to turn over
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan finally turns over, putting the pressure on Roscoe’s knees!
The audience jeers as O’Connell now asks Roscoe if he wants to give up. Roscoe releases the figure four and both men scoot away from one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe pulls himself up by the ropes, but Anthony Jordan clips his knee out from under him!
The boos get louder as Roscoe is on his stomach, holding his knee. Anthony Jordan hobbles over and applies a headscissors then reaches back and pulls Roscoe's bad leg back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Vainglorious! Anthony Jordan pulls the heel of Roscoe’s foot towards his head, turning him into a pretzel.
Kelly O’Connell keeps asking, but gets pained refusals from Roscoe Law. Anthony Jordan rolls them to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe is now on the mat in the Vainglorious. Jordan keeping his head in that vicelike grip with the leg scissors, while continuing to wrench that leg back.
Roscoe Law rolls over and grabs the bottom rope. The crowd cheers as Kelly O’Connell taps Anthony Jordan on the shoulder to release the Vainglorious
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan releases the Vainglorious but just reapplies the spinning toe hold!
The fans groan. Roscoe Law screams in pain as Jordan gives it a second twist. Anthony gives him a third twist, making Roscoe sit up and fall back down in anguish
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell checking in to see if he wants to give it up, but Roscoe grabs his head and pulls him down into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan gets up and takes a swing at Roscoe Law but Roscoe ducks and atomic drops him, then superkicks the back of his head!
Anthony Jordan falls face first onto the second rope, facing the audience
Happy Jack: (happily looks at Sam) Sam, what are you doing over there?
Happy Sam: (happily polishing away) You told me to be quiet and find something else to do so I’m cleaning these handcuffs. They have prisoner schmutz all over them.
Happy Jack: (happily concerned) And what is in that bottle?
Happy Sam: (happily) Acid!
Happy Jack: (happily horrified) Acid!? You can’t use acid! That’s dangerous!
Happy Sam: (happily) But look at these handcuffs. (Sam stands up holding the end of the handcuffs, clearly uncuffed.) How do I return them to a mirror-like finish?
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Happy Jack: (happily stern) Sam, you are supposed to be wearing that! Put that back on! But first, get rid of that acid!
Happy Sam: (happily backs towards the ring with his back to it.) OK, but I don’t know what the hub-bub is all about…
Happy Sam shrugs right in front of Jordan who’s draped over the ropes and the liquid splashes out of the bottle and in Jordan’s face
Happy Jack: (happily gasps) Oh dear!
Phillip Blauer: What did you spray him with, you monster??
Happy Sam: (happily turns around to see Jordan holding his hands over his face and writhing on the mat.) Oopsie! (looks at everyone’s reaction) What? It’s lemon juice. It’s got citric acid in it and it cleans great. Doesn’t anyone look at Pinterest anymore?
Roscoe Law pulls Jordan up into an inverted facelock, then lifts him up into a reverse suplex, ricochets Anthony’s legs off the top rope to get him vertical for a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Badger Spike!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and the audience jumps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: That was blatant interference! Unhook me from these clowns so that I may pout!
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Roscoe Law raises his arms in triumph as Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. unhooks the handcuffs that bind Phil to the Happy Faces
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law scores a victory in this inaugural Wisconsin Chain Match…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, like that’s a thing. He just chained me to weirdos and sprayed a 4 time World Champion in the eyes with lemons!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevertheless, Roscoe undefeated in Wisconsin Chain Matches, our Second Generation Stretcher Match is coming up!
Simon Cruise hobbles out onto the ramp on crutches, his left leg in a heavy cast. This was going to be a primo summer for surfing... which is really hard on one leg. Simon Cruise believes in letting bygones be bygones - he's mellow like a very ZEN heavy stoner - but for all the good vibrations? Simon really HOPES that Dan Stein straight up MURDERS Captain Righteous. The crowd roar their approval at this appearance... only to get uncomfortable. Cruise not looking fit to wrestle, must be there for a Catching the Wave interview segment. Only... those segments ALWAYS end in someone being horribly injured. There also seems to be a threshing machine that has been placed just off the side of the entrance ramp - some farmers must have had a hard time finding parking. They even left it running. Knowing how dangerous the segment is, the crowds' respective hearts are in their throats as Cruise awkwardly hobbles around the edge over the device.
Simon Cruise: You get thrown from your board, you get RIGHT BACK ON! So despite Righteous' best efforts - this is CATCHING THE WAVE!
Simon Cruise: Please welcome my guest at this time.........
The curtains are pulled open as an object is thrown through them.
Simon Cruise: A replica of the Heavyweight title!
The fake belt flies through the air, right past Cruise, falling into the thresher! Scraps of plastic, tinfoil, and copper are spit out of the machine.
Simon Cruise: .........WHOA, it seems that another guest has fallen prey to the show's curse! HEAVY. Well, now that the saboteur has been satiated, maybe the dude will let us go on in peace for the rest of the night? So I'd like to welcome a second guest, Florida Man's lawyer.
Gazoo the green painted dwarf makes his way out - teases stumbling off the stage into the thresher, then stops himself.
Simon Cruise: Bro, the floor is yours.
Gazoo: Thank you for this opportunity, Mister Cruise. Good evening Hardkore World. or those not familiar with me, my name is Gazoo, and I am Florida Man's legal counsel. As all of you are aware, Flo is currently being held on suspicion of murder. Evidence tying him to the murder of Dorthy Blauer is circumstantial at best, and for anyone who follows HKW programming will know that Florida Man is merely a patsy for an unnamed member of the announce position-
Phil Blauer: Guillermo, how could you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He's clearly talking about you framing Florida Man for killing your wife, Phil.
Phil Blauer: Well..... that's a stretch.
Gazoo: Though the case if flimsy, the FRAME JOB is TOP NOTCH, and I fear it is only a matter of time before Flo is on death row. How do we stop this miscarriage of justice? The best defence team that money can buy! I'm doing my best for Flo, but there is only so much a semi-nude green painted out of state paralegal can do. No, to save Flo's life we NEED the DREAM TEAM-
Simon Cruise:Bailey, Blasier, Shapiro, Dershowitz, and Kardashian........ that list is reading more like a morgue.
Gazoo: Nah, the REAL Dream Team-
Simon Cruise: Keaton, Lloyd, Boyle, and Furst?
Gazoo: Exactly! I've started a kickstarter... but have only raised enough for Valentine and Beefcake.
Simon Cruise: Heavy.
Gazoo: Exactly, we might as well have them throw the switch! The Kickstarter contributions are appreciated, but we need real money to save Florida Man's life. Which is why... I've come here tonight to ask Kilroy Evans to help.
Simon Cruise: ....Then you'd better hope that bro smokes as much as me, and has a worse memory, because I'm pretty sure the only dudes he hates more than your client are Phil and Donovan-
Gazoo (looking into the camera for a close-up): Kilroy. When you finally get around to watching the TV taping in which Flo was arrested, you'll probably laugh at his misfortune. You have every right to... Flo gave you plenty of reasons to hate his guts. ....But we aren't talking about losing a wrestling match, or having a lover's quarrel over tag partners... this is a CAPITAL CRIME that an innocent man is going to lose his life over. FRAMED. The Kilroy Evans that I've come to respect wouldn't let that stand... turning a blind eye? That's more of a Marty Donovan move. So tonight, when you win Phil's fortune - LIKE ALL OF THE HARDKORE WORLD FAITHFUL know you will.... and your looking for charities to donate too? Think about putting a little of it, not much, to the Florida Man Legal Defence Fund. ...Because if Flo goes down for Dorthy Blauer... and Phil gets away with it? Even if you have the money, Phil wins.
Nodding at the camera in understanding, Gazoo walks away from the edge... somehow avoiding the thresher.
Simon Cruise: Oh my god, it worked!
No real guest hurt? Simon is considering this a win. He needed it.
Simon Cruise: Kilroy still has to overcome Philty Rich, but you heard it here first-
"DRIFT!"
HKW's ring crew impressario and resident therapist thanks to the E-University of Honolulu, Donnie Valentine, comes out of the back with a piece of flooring that he's gussied up to look like Robinson. Unable to deal with the loss of his best friend, Donnie has fashioned a grotesque replacement.
Donnie Valentine: I knew something was weird about that robot Robinson! He was an imposter, I have the real one here-
Simon Cruise: Donnie, we have to talk-
Tripping, Donnie drops his fake Robinson, which falls into the thresher.
Donnie Valentine: Not again-
Simon Cruise (pointing a crutch at the wood chips being thrown at the audience): That wasn't an official guest!
As Donnie laments his latest loss, the farmers return to their thresher, having found more suitable parking.
Fade up on a folded stretcher with the legs folded in, lying on the apron under the ropes. Transition to Guillermo and Phil at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our second generation stretcher match! It all started back in May, when at John “Catman” Wilder’s lifetime achievement award, Alexander Von Blankenship rudely interrupted the ceremony, spitting on John, and slapping his son, Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder. At Coachella…
Phillip Blauer: You’re telling me he played Coachella?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, but during his match at Coachella, Alexander Von Blankenship challenged him and they almost fought then and there, had it not been the cooler heads of John Wilder and his brother Joey. In Albuquerque, Syrus Wilder distracted Alexander Von Blankenship long enough for Tuxedo Mask to win the Hardkore California Championship. In Las Vegas, those two tore into one another in the WarGames match, but nothing was quite settled. Tonight, they finally get their hands on one another in a stretcher match!
“C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays and the Manchester crowd cheers loudly. Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder walks out rubbing his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all the insults and name calling, Syrus Wilder is finally getting the chance to hurt Von Blankenship’s so bad, he’ll be carried out of here.
Phillip Blauer: Look, this is a tough business. No one knows that better than I. I usually have to pay for my own facial scrub cleanser. There’s never any in the locker room. He can’t maim everyone that puts him down.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He spit on his father, Phil
Phillip Blauer: I still maintain it was cold and flu season, and it was an errant sneeze. Who can even remember that far back?
The crowd on the aisles crane forward over the guardrail to try and pat Syrus Wilder as he walks by them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder got into wrestling to honor his father by taking on Alexander Von Blankenship after what he did in that convention room in Palm Springs. Tonight he gets that chance in front of the over 20,000 people here in Manchester, England.
Wilder walks around ringside, slapping hands with the fans in the front row, especially the children
Phillip Blauer: Why must he delay and stall so much by insisting on hugging kids and kissing babies?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s showing his appreciation to the people that really built this company.
Phillip Blauer: Nonsense. If you’re going to do that, go up to the sky boxes. Thank the arena owner’s son-in-law that’s back there waiting for someone he recognizes, like Stone Cold or least Cena to show up. Those are the real people that keep this territory afloat. That’s who he should hug.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure he would hug them both.
Phillip Blauer: Now he’s hugging them both?? Ugh, this is going to take forever.
Syrus Wilder steps through the ropes and does a locomotion shimmy to the roaring fans
Yolanda Ando: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder wears blue dungaree coveralls. He has a Save The Children International to highlight their mission to inspire breakthroughs in the way the world treats children and to achieve immediate and lasting change in their lives. He also has an oval patch above left chest pocket with “SW” with a blue denim engineer’s cap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus thinks people like AVB give second generation stars a bad name, and he’s ready to give him his comeuppance.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Second Generation Stretcher Match. The match will not end until someone is carried out on a stretcher. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, he Hails From The Rails; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 325 pounds; His Daddy Was A Pistol, So He’s A Son Of A Gun…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
Syrus Wilder gets a tremendous ovation from the Manchester audience
The AO Arena boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, blowing his whistle. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Fresh from hobnobbing with former presidents and viral royalty, Alexander Von Blankenship comes to England to rid Hardkore World of the dark scourge of nepotism in this business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His father is Rat Bastard.
Phillip Blauer: Oh him? He’s fine. I mean the others.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship started all this nonsense, no he has to answer for his insults.
Phillip Blauer: What about Wilder? He called him a plague, a leech, and whatever a carrion is. You don’t think Alex has feelings? He’s Dutch for Pete’s sake!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, technically Morgan Freeman called him all those things.
Phillip Blauer: That hack. He’d read the instructions to a Pop Tart if you flashed enough green.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Rat Boy”, “AVB Has A Train Ticket To The Hospital”, “Always Very Bloody” in AVB’s logo, and “AVB is Rubbish”. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try to touch him. A beer cup gets tossed in their direction but mostly hits Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: Heads up, Larry! Someone get him a towel. And possibly some burn cream from how warm that beer probably was.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the ring. He gives the ring the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing his special PPV gear of white satin boxing trunks, trimmed in dark blue, with “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tells you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Duivel Of Amsterdam, The Nuisance from the Netherlands; Always Very Blessed;…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The AO Arena rocks with jeers and heckling as Hasbulla blows his whistle over and over
Second Generation Stretcher Match
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Alexander Von Blankenship cockily walks over to meet Syrus Wilder in the center of the ring. Wilder has a few choice words for him while AVB smirks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship spits in Wilder’s face!!
Phillip Blauer: Just like he did to his father in Palm Springs!
Wilder reaches over to rip AVB’s face off, but Von Blankenship bails out to the floor. The fans boo as Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle on the floor. The fans all lurch towards him whenever he gets near the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: These are mind games he’s playing, but it’s like playing chess with a toddler.
Tommy Milligan and Syrus Wilder demand Alexander Von Blankenship get back in the ring, but he waves them both off. The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Von Blankenship makes an obscene gesture towards some rowdy fans and the boos get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: He just gets worse. We have children watching you know.
Phillip Blauer: Whoever lets their kid stay up late enough to watch us deserves to have their kid corrupted by AVB.
Alexander Von Blankenship back up on the apron, and Wilder tries to collect him but Tommy Milligan gets in between them to allow Von Blankenship to enter on his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets in between them and gives Wilder a slap across the face!
The boos are deafening as AVB drops to the floor as Tommy Milligan prevents him from going after him. Hasbulla jumps around ringside, blowing on his whistle
Phillip Blauer: Von Blankenship just giving Wilder the slap his father should have done, but no, he was too busy making towns.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder coming unglued, and rightfully so, as Alexander Von Blankenship continues to avoid wrestling him.
Phillip Blauer: All in good time. AVB isn’t a Whopper, he’s a Wagyu steak.
The fans continue to boo Alexander Von Blankenship as he demands that Tommy Milligan hold Syrus Wilder back before he’ll even think of entering the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest Wilder has to be talked into it, but finally obliges and backs off. Von Blankenship cautiously gets up to his knees on the apron, then finally stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder gets tired of waiting and comes over to AVB on the apron, but Von Blankenship pokes him in the eye! He gets in the ring and stomps on Wilder’s foot.
Syrus Wilder hops on one foot until he goes over to the ropes to gain his balance. Alexander Von Blankenship kicks him in the back of the knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship with another kick to the side of Wilder’s knee.
Phillip Blauer: The former Hardkore California Champion wisely trying to take out the 300 pounder’s wheels early in this Second Generation Stretcher Match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB twists Wilder’s arm and smashes him in the shoulder with a forearm. He gives him a stiff kick to the back.
Syrus Wilder arches his back in pain, and then looks back at Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB looks concerned and hits Wilder in the chest with a chop
Phillip Blauer: Von Blankenship with another hard chop to that massive chest of Wilder’s!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder hits back with a chop of his own!
Von Blankenship whacks Wilder with another knife edge chop, but Syrus answers with a hard chop to AVB’s pectorals. He delivers a double temple chop that stuns Alexander
Guillermo O’Bannon: Detroit Chop! He kicks Von Blankenship in the stomach and takes him over into a snap mare. He irish whips him into the ropes and catches him with a bodyslam.
Syrus Wilder measures Von Blankenship and gives him a fistdrop right between the eyes. AVB sits up, holding his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder pulls him up with a headbutt, and then a left hook. He smashes him with elbow after elbow!
The crowd cheers as Wilder beats Von Blankenship up with elbows. Hasbulla blows his whistle in panic. Syrus Wilder then gives his arm a twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder gives Alexander Von Blankenship’s arm another painful twist.
Alexander Von Blankenship runs in place in pain, while Wilder threatens to break it off with a third twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship reaches over with his free arm and rakes his fingernails across Wilder’s eyes out of desperation!
Phillip Blauer: I call it smart.
The cheers turn to jeers. Von Blankenship hits Wilder in the back with a double ax handle, and a couple of forearms. He then backs up a few steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Wilder between the legs, right in the balls!
Phillip Blauer: You can say balls, but AVB can’t make a gesture?
The AO Arena rains boos down on Alexander Von Blankenship as he welcomes their hatred. Hasbulla blows his whistle in celebration
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship grabs him in a front facelock and twists to the side with a swinging neckbreaker!
Syrus Wilder sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and stomps and kicks him on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB gets on top of him, and starts bludgeoning him with punches!
The jeers get louder until Tommy Milligan pulls Von Blankenship off of him. An angry Von Blankenship kicks the ropes in the direction of the crowd. The crowd chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder gets up and goes for a high kick, but Von Blankenship catches his leg and takes him down into a dragon screw leg whip.
Wilder clutches his knee as Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up by the hair. Syrus hobbles to his feet, and then AVB irish whips him into the ropes. But Wilder comes back with a diving headbutt to Alexander’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Railroad Spike!
The crowd comes to life as Von Blankenship holds his stomach. Hasbulla blows his whistle, troubled by this new development. Syrus Wilder hits Alexander Von Blankenship with a flurry of stomps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piston Stomp! Wilder bounces off the ropes and hits Von Blankenship in the forehead with a Norfolk knee drop!
Phillip Blauer: I’m totally lost, the Norfolk knee drop, the Detroit chop, where is this guy from?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s from the rails, Phil. He scoops Von Blankenship up and drops him across his knee with the Caboose backbreaker,
The audience cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship gingerly stands back up. Syrus Wilder runs and kicks Von Blankenship in the groin so hard it lifts him off his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mind The Gap!
Phillip Blauer: Never mind the gap, what about a disqualification??
Hasbulla blows his whistle at Tommy Milligan in protest about the low blow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turnabout is fair play after what AVB pulled earlier in this match. And now Syrus Wilder lifts him up on his shoulder with the Boilermaker belly to back suplex!
Syrus Wilder scoops Alexander Von Blankenship up on his shoulder and then drills his skull into the mat with a tombstone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coal Shovel!!
Alexander Von Blankenship sprawls out and Wilder calls Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his medical team over with their stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder calling for the stretcher!
Phillip Blauer: No! Just like that? It can’t be!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team trying to load Alexander Von Blankenship onto that stretcher.
Phillip Blauer: I may need to Pulp Fiction him in the chest with an adrenaline needle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t. But there may be no need. AVB showing some resistance to being taken away on the stretcher, and David Valentine Jr. signaling that the match must continue.
Phillip Blauer: Saved by the Dave!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder gives him the Derailment snap mare.
Phillip Blauer: He named his snap mare?!? But I’m The Master of the Snap Mare!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Take it up with him, Phil. Wilder now climbing to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a flying elbow, but Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the way!!
The air goes out of the AO Arena, replaced with jeers and heckling for AVB. Hasbulla blows on his whistle triumphantly. Von Blankenship waits for Wilder to get up, clutching his arm, and then catches him upside the head with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!! But Syrus Wilder doesn’t go down!
Phillip Blauer: What?!
Syrus Wilder teeters on spaghetti legs, so Alexander Von Blankenship dips into his trunks and pulls out a small chain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship has that small chain!
Phillip Blauer: He does? Oh, my monitor is out. I gotta put in a ticket for Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it isn’t…oh, I’ll be damned, it is.
AVB gets a running start and clocks him with his superman punch with the chain around his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: He hits him with the Baptism with that chain, causing Wilder to go down like a redwood!
Phillip Blauer: See? That did the trick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now calling for the stretcher!
Phillip Blauer: Haul him off! Get the caboose!
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team start stabilizing Syrus Wilder on the gurney. Alexander Von Blankenship jumps on the second rope and bounces on it while the Manchester audience boos him
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr.is about to carry Syrus Wilder off but Alexander Von Blankenship walks over to him…oh he’s going to spit on him again!
AVB crouches over Syrus Wilder, but before he can spit on him, Wilder reaches up and grabs him with his iron claw! The crowd erupts and leaps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder has the claw on Alexander Von Blankenship! He sits up off of the stretcher holding on to that claw!
AVB goes down on one knee as Wilder pushes down on his head. Hasbulla blows his whistle, trying to urge Von Blankenship to hold on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder now forcing AVB onto that stretcher with his iron claw!
Phillip Blauer: No! No, no, no…
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is out as Wilder squeezing his temples, trying to crush his skull with that massive hand!
David Valentine Jr. starts to carry off Alexander Von Blankenship on the stretcher with his team of medics
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship being carried off on that stretcher and this match is over!
The fans roar as Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. “C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Someone has rolled into the ring, and is attacking Wilder!
The audience boos as the man front facelocks Wilder and drives his head into the mat with a DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Rat Bastard!
Phillip Blauer: What a good father!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he doing here??
Rat Bastard rolls out of the ring and grabs a chair, the audience boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he going to do with that?
Phillip Blauer: Give him a break, he just saw his only son…that he knows of, put on a stretcher.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He should be on his way to the hospital to see him!
Phillip Blauer: He’ll get there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Bastard jams the top of the chair into Syrus Wilder’s hand!!
Syrus Wilder screams and clutches his hand, rolling around on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the hand he uses for his iron claw!
Phillip Blauer: Back up the stretcher! We got another one!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team drag Rat Bastard away. Wilder grimaces in pain as David Valentine Jr. tries to look at his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Bastard living up to his reputation with a cheap shot on one of Hardkore World’s young lions.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, Syrus’ pop is welcome to try something himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know if the legendary Catman would lower himself.
Phillip Blauer: To kill a rat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, our country whipping match is coming up next!
You’ve been to colonial and medieval reenactment parks where you can learn all about history by being right there. But have you ever wanted to experience what every day life was like a little more recently? Well now you can!
Drone shot of a suburban neighborhood from the 1980s ending with a tour group walking through with their tour guide
Tourist #1: Everyone’s smoking?
Tour Guide: That’s right! Everyone smoked back then. All day! All the time!
Tourist #2: Oh this is before they knew it would kill you?
Tour Guide: Nope! Everyone just thought a cure for cancer would be invented in time to save them!
Kid: Lemme take her picture
80’s Teen: Hey! That kid just took my picture with that smallish calculator
Everyone chuckles
Tourist #3: What’s that?
Someone looks around and does a toot of cocaine at a stop light
Tour Guide: That’s cocaine! Everyone did that back then too! Your teachers, your boss, everyone!
80’s Guy: Hey, did you know “In The Air in the Night” is about a murder Phil Collins witnessed? He sent a ticket to the murderer and sang the song to him, and he turned himself in.
80’s Girl: Wow, no way! I can’t wait to tell everyone
Tourist #4: Hey, that’s not true. Why doesn’t he verify it before he spreads misinformation?
Tour Guide: Those were urban legends! There was no way to verify them. You just believed things forever and told 50 people the same story. Now everyone get in line for our big theme park ride. Behold! The 1984 station wagon with no air conditioning but 4 ashtrays and AM radio!
Everyone sighs and gets into the green station wagon with wood paneling
Fade up on Little Dragon, Leonard van Dam, “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart, Kenezu Fujiwara, Johnny Sniper, Sami Ielemia, Scorpion, Johnny B. Obongo, The Martian, “Dirty” Dave Dixon, Dana “The Drone” Daniels, The Sun Spiders, Dr. X, Pork Dirkmeyer, Apisai Paisi, Harvey van Houten, and “The Palm Springs Kid” Billy Striker, Moondog Dook and El Hijo Del Sweet Bone Daddy all surrounding ringside, each armed with a leather strap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Country Whipping Match between Captain Righteous and “The Punisher” Dan Stein. The lumberjacks who surround the ring have all been supplied with a leather strap. If a man falls out of the ring, these men at ringside will whip him with those straps until he re-enters.
Phillip Blauer: Bunch of opportunistic whipper snappers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA back in February, Captain Righteous interfered in Dan Stein’s West Coast title match, then in Ontario, Lady Liberty stole The Peacemaker from Domino. In Phoenix, Stein unsuccessfully tried to take it back during Captain Righteous’ match with Tuxedo Mask. That brought us to Palm Springs Punishment 2024 where they wrestled in a Peacemaker on a Pole match. Towards the end of the match, Domino was kidnapped by Lady Liberty and that distraction allowed Captain Righteous to win. After the match, Righteous reaggravated Stein’s back injury by hitting him repeatedly in the back with the Peacemaker. Under captivity, Domino tried to cost Captain Righteous and Lady Liberty matches in Coachella and Albuquerque, but in Las Vegas, “The Punisher” Dan Stein made his return, rescuing Domino and now tonight in Manchester, he says Righteous has a whipping coming.
Suddenly the AO Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face. They walk past signs that say “The Danimal”, and “Dan Is Gonna Whip Your Cape To Shreds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein appreciates what Captain Righteous did to him at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and says that it gave him time to think about what he wants to do to him here tonight at English Rage in Manchester 2024. That all the surgery and rehab that Righteous caused, just galvanized his hatred and prepared him for tonight’s match.
Phillip Blauer: He can talk as tough as he wants, but the fact remains that Captain Righteous put him out of wrestling and can do it again. He can get as many belt wielding man to help him as he wants, but nothing will prepare him for the awesome power of Captain Righteous.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well he needed The Peacemaker to do it, and he only beat Stein when he had Domino kidnapped…
Phillip Blauer: And his shoes were untied and the sun was in his eyes, I get it. Look, Dan’s been tossing guys around the West Coast for 20 years now, and there’s finally someone who can stand up to him, and he doesn’t like it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein picked this match because everytime he tries to fight Captain Righteous, he runs away.
Phillip Blauer: Flies away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So he surrounded the ring with lumberjacks in hopes of finally having a legitimate match.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino also has a match later on this evening against Hardkore Women’s Champion Lady Liberty. She’s looking to get some revenge for the way she’s been treated the past couple months by these two.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Country Whipping Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The OA Arena lets out a huge ovation as Dan Stein takes off his sunglasses and raises his Peacemaker in the air
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous back after a 30 day suspension for retiring Simon Cruise and referee Mike Peters. Righteous thought Dan Stein had a mental hold over Domino, who she has managed since his debut, and was hoping to make her his “birdie”, whatever that means.
Phillip Blauer: He flies, birds fly, he likes birds. What’s the confusion?
Guillermo O’Bannon: After putting Dan Stein out, he felt invincible, so I’m sure when The Punisher showed up in Las Vegas, it was like seeing a ghost.
Phillip Blauer: A ghost with a mustache and beer breath. I tell you, if one of these palookas even touches Captain Righteous with one of those belts, he’s liable to punch them through a wall. You know, everyone gives this guy such a hard time, but he saved a school from the blind when they were getting evicted by the bank.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really? I had no idea.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, he took them all on his back and flew them to the California Prison for the Criminally Insane. He let out all the inmates so the kids can live there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He put them in prison?!?
Phillip Blauer: Shhh. They’re blind. They don’t know the difference.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous waves at the jeering and hostile crowd
Country Whipping Match
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and the crowd roars. Dixon, Little Dragon, Porkmeyer and others whip the apron with their straps. Stein and Righteous walk up to one another and talk trash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous pops him with a headbutt! He takes advantage of his fuzziness and starts strangling him!
The AO Arena rocks with boos. Righteous beams with pride as Stein goes down to one knee
Phillip Blauer: He’s choking the life out of The Punisher! Look at him, you can hear him say “I’m sorry, Captain Righteous! You can have Domino and my dirty stick back!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: No he isn’t. Captain Righteous shoots him into the ropes and backdrops him up high into the air!
Phillip Blauer: He’s tossing a 285 pound man around like he’s nothing!
Captain Righteous strikes a superhero stance but unbeknownst to him Dan Stein gets right back up
Phillip Blauer: For god sakes, turn around Captain! Use your super senses!
Dan Stein twirls him around and gives him three headbutts in a row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for a Detroit Hangover but Captain Righteous back drops him over the ropes!
Dr. X, Sun Spider #2, Pork Dirkmeyer and “Dirty” Dave Dixon whip Dan Stein’s back
Phillip Blauer: Yeah! Tan his hide!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein gets up and stares down Dixon, X, Pork, and The Sun Spiders!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, no fair! His back hair insulates him from the belts!
They all back off as Dan Stein gets back up onto the apron and enters the ring. A smug Captain Righteous tightens his gloves
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous goes for a lock up, but Stein grabs him in a bearhug. Stein using that barrel chest to constrict the breathing on Righteous, trying to wear him down early.
Righteous grimaces as Richie Richardson checks in to see if he wants to submit. The audience starts singing to the tune of “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Phillip Blauer: This must be the English manners I’ve heard so much about.
Dan Stein tightens his grip but Righteous claps his ears with a bell clap to escape
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a claw hold on Stein! These two exchanging power moves, trying to get the mental advantage over the other.
Captain Righteous drills his thumb and pinkie into Dan Stein’s temples, trying to cave in his skull. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Stein if he’s going to give up, but The Punisher refuses
Phillip Blauer: If you ask me, that’s way better than the Choo Choo Boy’s claw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one asked you. Dan Stein grabs Righteous’ ankle and lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop. He then applies a full nelson. He thrashes Righteous from side to side!
Stein pushes Righteous’ chin into his chest with his locked hands. The rowdy crowd starts singing some more
Twenty times, twenty times, Man United
Twenty times, twenty times, I say
Twenty times, twenty times, Man United
Playing football the Matt Busby way
“The Punisher” Dan Stein continues to thrash him to prevent him from getting his footing underneath him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous backpedals into the corner to escape the full nelson! He smashes his shoulder into Stein’s stomach a few times.
The audience boos. Righteous hits him with an elbow combination that stuns The Punisher. Stein stumbles out into a drop toehold face first onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes and then takes to the air with a flying back elbow!
Captain Righteous fixes his hair, and takes a deep breath. He pulls Stein up by the hair and scoops him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous drops him on his knee in a backbreaker.
Righteous climbs up to the second turnbuckle and waits for Dan Stein to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous dives off the second turnbuckle with a shoulder tackle that takes out Dan Stein!
The Manchester crowd jeers and heckles Captain Righteous. Righteous smiles back at them and pauses until Stein stands up again. Domino roots The Punisher on from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous charges in but Stein grabs him by the hair and hurls him over the top rope to the floor below!
The fans roar! Righteous stares at “The Palm Springs Kid” Billy Wilder and Dana “The Drone” Daniels who freeze in their tracks
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous daring those two to hit him with a belt, knowing they don’t have the grapes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon whacks him in the back with his leather strap!
The audience pops as a shocked Captain Righteous arches his back in pain. Leonard van Dam gives him another hard lash to the back with his belt
Phillip Blauer: What do they think they are doing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Johnny Sniper now whips him with a belt, and Captain Righteous high tails it out of ringside, back into the ring!
Dan Stein stomps Righteous as he rolls back into the ring. He delights in stomping him over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein now using the ropes for balance as he steps on Righteous’ throat. He uses all 285 pounds to try and crush Righteous’ windpipe!
Richie Richardson gives Dan Stein a five count to stop and then starts trying to physically peel him off of Captain Righteous. He’s finally successful, but Stein pulls Righteous to his feet by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein applies an abdominal stretch. He cranks back on it, and then drives his elbow into Righteous’ exposed ribs.
Righteous cries out in pain but refuses to give up. The Manchester audience starts singing again
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Captain Righteous reaches up with his free arm and rakes Stein’s eyes with his glove. Dan releases the abdominal stretch while he rubs his eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gets some distance between them and then savate kicks him under the chin, knocking him over the ropes to the floor below!
The audience jeers. Sun Spider #1 is on Stein immediately with a belt strike. The sound of it meeting his flesh makes the AO Arena wince
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein barely has time to absorb Sun Spider #1’s blow before Moondog Dook is on top of him with his strap to the chest!
Stein goes down to his hands and knees and The Martian lashes him across the back with his belt. The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein better get out of there before he gets overwhelmed by the lumberjacks and their belts.
Phillip Blauer: Those are the receipts for all the rough moves those guys have taken over the years on TV tapings.
Dan Stein crawls back into the ring, and gets up to his knees as Captain Righteous runs off the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a shining wizard to the side of Dan Stein’s skull!
The AO Arena “OH”s at the sound of Righteous’ boot hitting Stein’s skull. Captain Righteous climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Dan to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous with a missile dropkick that catches Dan Stein right on the button!
The crowd jeers Righteous. Captain Righteous pulls Stein up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous takes him out with a flying shoulder tackle!
Captain Righteous pulls him up and scoops him up onto his shoulder. He walks over to the corner with Stein on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous goes for a running powerslam, but Dan Stein slips off his shoulder and counters with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a fujiwara armbar! He pushes off the mar with his feet, cranking up on Righteous’ forearm, twisting his shoulder at an impossible angle.
Richie Richardson asks Captain Righteous if he wants to give up. The Hardkore Superhero shakes his head as he reaches out for the ropes. Domino applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein readjusts and pulls back on Captain Righteous’ trapped forearm, grinding his shoulder into the mat.
The audience cheers. Captain Righteous continues to refuse to tap out, while reaching fruitlessly for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous makes one last scooch and finally secures the bottom rope enough for Richie Richardson to call on Dan Stein to release the fujiwara armbar.
Phillip Blauer: A super scooch.
Righteous pulls himself up on the ropes, and Dan Stein hooks him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein shows remarkable power by getting the powerhouse Captain Righteous up and over with a textbook suplex!
Captain Righteous sits up from the pain. The impressed Manchester fans gives Dan Stein an ovation for that feat of strength. Stein pulls Righteous to a standing position and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein charges in with a clothesline but Righteous moves and he crashes into the turnbuckles. Stein stumbles out of the corner but Captain Righteous hits the ropes and gives him a lariat that sends Dan over the ropes to the floor below!
“Dirty” Dave Dixon and Dr. X converge on Stein immediately with their straps, whipping him over and over with them. Pork Dirkmeyer wraps his belt around Stein’s throat as Sun Spider #2 gives him some lashes with his belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey, that’s going over the line a bit. They’re supposed to whip him until he gets back into the ring. Not choke him, and take free shots
Phillip Blauer: You’re not a lumberjack. Does Pork come over here and tell you how to be boring and suck up to Kilroy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, no, but…Dan Stein overpowers Pork, getting his fingers in between the belt and his neck! He grabs Pork by the hair and sits out into a Detroit Hangover facebuster on the floor!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh come on, the man is defenseless.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He had a belt around his neck! The rest of the lumberjacks roll Dan Stein back into the ring, and Captain Righteous hits him with a spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous applies an inverted indian deathlock! Righteous does a push up to put pressure on Stein’s twisted legs.
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Captain Righteous looks highly annoyed by the song. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Stein but he shakes his head, refusing to give up. He reaches out for the ropes, but he’s too far away
Phillip Blauer: Look at those welts on his back. He’s sorry he asked for this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally crawls over and hooks that bottom rope! Richie Richardson makes Captain Righteous break the inverted indian deathlock. He pulls Stein up into a front facelock, and drives his face into the mat with a faceplant DDT!
The audience boos as Captain Righteous climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous dives off with a flying headbutt but Dan Stein rolls out of the way!
The AO Arena comes to life as Dan Stein uses the pain from his back to psyche himself up back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein gets a running start and hits him with a discus clothesline that sends him over the ropes to the floor below!
Captain Righteous gets right back up to his feet and brushes himself off, then turns around to see Little Dragon, Johnny B. Obongo, El Hijo Del Sweet Bone Daddy, Harvey van Houten and the others surround him with the belts
Phillip Blauer: They better put those belts around their waists where they belong if they know what’s good for them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon whacks Captain Righteous in the shoulder with that leather strap! Kenezu Fujiwara lashes him in the back, and Apisai Paisi gives him a tanning until Righteous crawls back into the ring!!
Righteous turns around to threaten the guys that whipped him and Stein comes up from behind with a reverse waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein german suplexes Captain Righteous!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein drapes Righteous’ own arm around his neck and drops down into a regal cutter!
Dan Stein pulls him up by the hair and irish whips Captain Righteous into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein goes for a discus clothesline, but Righteous ducks and hits the Land of Milk and Honey II backdrop driver!!
The cheers turn to jeers. Captain Righteous gets to his feet and suddenly sees The Peacemaker under the bottom turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous eyeing that Peacemaker! He’s gonna send him back to the surgery table!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous walks towards it…but Domino grabs it and takes it away!
Captain Righteous’ eyes bulge and he steps through the ropes to go after her
Phillip Blauer: Stop that thief!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous out on the floor chasing Domino, but Leo van Dam, Sami Ielemia, Billy Striker, and Little Dragon whack him with those belts!!
Righteous cries out in pain as half of the lumberjacks take turns beating him with their leather straps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous escapes to higher ground in the ring and turns around into a Stein Line!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Thunderhorse” by Dethklok plays and the fans jump to their feet. Captain Righteous rolls out of the ring and catches a few more belt shots from Harvey van Houten and Johnny Sniper as he escapes to the locker room
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 41 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Dan Stein holds up his arm in victory as Domino stands at his side
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein hands Captain Righteous his first loss in the US, but more importantly proves he is the strong man of the West Coast!
Phillip Blauer: This is not a big issue at all. Captain Righteous will just fly around the earth backwards and reverse time back to where he went for The Peacemaker. I’ll just wait here until it happens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. This isn’t over, Domino has a match coming up to try and get some revenge on Lady Liberty, we’ll see that next!
Barry Thompson: Hello, I’m Barry Thompson, and I wanna fight for you. Injured at work? In a car accident? Or did you use a banned weed killer in the 90s? I can get you the compensation you deserve! I also run a crab boil restaurant. Unfortunately, the only commercial space I was able to find was a Chinese crab boil establishment.
Man sitting with a bib on, eating crab legs out of a clear plastic trash bag with disposable plastic gloves
Man: I fell off a ladder at working at Sam’s Club. I couldn’t work but I needed to provide for my family. Alot of lawyers offered to help me, and most were more qualified. But Barry was the only one to offer me an Oceanside Bucket with all the sides for only $29.99, plus tip. Which Barry took.
Barry Thompson: I’m also the only waiter! So come on down to Barry Thompson’s Law Office and Crab Boil. Where we fight for you! And also provide quality seafood served in trash bags.
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw earlier, Dan Stein was finally able to defeat Captain Righteous and do what no man in Hardkore World was able to do. But it all stemmed from Righteous and Hardkore Women’s Champion Lady Liberty stealing The Peacemaker from Domino, and then stealing Domino herself. Tonight, she tries to get some payback here in Manchester.
“Domino” by KISS plays and the audience cheers as Domino walks to the ring along with a sweaty Dan Stein
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on. We just saw him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein here to support her the same way she has supported him over the past 20 years.
Domino slaps hands with the fans at ringside on her way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Domino’s first match since the 2007 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup when she and the late Brandi defeated Horror Girl and Misfit Tamera in the first round, but lost to Yuku Shiro and “Habanero” Amanda Kauffman in the second. She’s been the president of SWAT, and wrestled a little in Ring Syndicate: Japan but tonight wants to win her first championship of her very own.
Yolanda Ando: Domino wears a tight black one-piece with a snake-eyes domino each leg of her tights, and keeps her long brown hair tied up. To the ring she wears a rather used-looking black leather bomber jacket with a snake-eyes domino on the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino’s capture awoke something inside her that she didn’t know she still had. She learned a lot about what made Lady Liberty and Captain Righteous tick while they had her in their locker room, and she intends to use that against them.
Phillip Blauer: Traitor. She could have been their sidekick. Maybe the one that punches computer buttons to tell them their mission.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, The Challenger. Accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 150 pounds...DOMINO!!!"
The Manchester crowd roars as she waves back at them
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the OA Arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd with the Hardkore Women’s Championship wrapped around her waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion surveys her pride down from above.
Phillip Blauer: She will avenge Captain Righteous’ honor here tonight by laying waste to someone who hasn’t stepped in the ring since The Bee Movie.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty surely has the power advantage, but Domino’s been around the wrestling business since 1998.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, if Liberty needs to learn how to stand by a cornerpost and applaud, I’m sure she’ll ask her.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty deferred to Captain Righteous and his opinion of Dan Stein, and thought she was the lesser of two evils, and was protecting Domino; from both Righteous and Stein.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero bodysuit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Back in June, Lady Liberty beat Black Tiger for the Hardkore Women’s Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and then in June, she defended it against Mickie Fury. As confident as she seems, she has to wonder what the wily Domino has in store for her.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent; Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds, She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
Hardkore Women's Championship
Phillip Blauer: The bell hasn’t even rung yet, and this has already devolved into a cat fight you would see in front of the bars Domino frequents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell forcing Domino to abandon the two fistfulls of Liberty’s hair that she has, and then Domino whacks her with a chop to the chest.
Lady Liberty answers back with a european uppercut. Domino hits her with another reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino sticks her fingernails into the eyes of Liberty and rakes them! She’s now strangling the Hardkore Women’s Champion!
Phillip Blauer: Kelly O’Connell has to get a handle on this match. This is the Hardkore Women’s Champion, she wasn’t prepared for the kind of fight you would find on a Jerry Springer soundstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino had her freedom taken away from her and I think all of that pent up anger is coming out right now.
The fans cheer as Domino continues to choke Lady Liberty and throttle her neck. Kelly O’Connell tries to peel her off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino finally lets go of her throat and kicks her in the stomach. She bounces into the ropes and dropkicks Lady Liberty.
Domino catches a rising Lady Liberty with a fireman’s carry, then catches her getting up with a kneelift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino goes for a suplex, but Lady Liberty blocks it with her calf. She counters with a vertical suplex of her own.
The crowd jeers. Lady Liberty settles in with an armbar. Dan Stein pounds on the apron in support of Domino, and the Manchester fans clap in unison
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty back in control now, yanking up on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
The AO Arena begins to sing to the tune “This Old Man”
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Domino works her way to her feet with Liberty hanging onto that armbarred arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino uses her free arm to bodyslam her way out of the armbar!
The audience pops, and Domino tries to irish whip her but Lady Liberty reverses it and shoots Domino into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty cartwheels into a Space Rolling Elbow to Domino in the corner!
Liberty grabs Domino in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty tornado DDTs Domino, drilling her head into the mat!
The OA Arena boos. Domino gets to her feet, only to be dropkicked back to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty applies an arm trap crossface. She locks her hands underneath Domino’s chin and rocks back on her head and neck, putting pressure on her shoulder as well.
Phillip Blauer: Liberty has shook off that earlier attempt to turn this into a cat fight and settled into her dominance of the overmatched Domino.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty going back to that arm she wore down earlier with an armbar.
Kelly O’Connell asks her if she wants to tap out, but Domino shakes her head no
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino strains her hand out to try and grab the bottom rope, but she’s too far way. She takes that hand and grabs Liberty by the ankle, and she slowly peels it back until she is able to escape into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Lady Liberty releases the arm trap crossface!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino catches Liberty getting up with a flying head scissors takedown!
The Manchester fans applaud as Lady Liberty sits up from the impact. She gets on her hands and knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino with a la majistral cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino pulls her up by the wrist, and brings her in with a shortarm clothesline. She grabs both of Lady Liberty’s arms with a double chicken wing.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein applauds on the outside. Domino pulls up on both of Liberty’s wrists, making the Hardkore Women’s Champion grimace. The Manchester fans start singing again
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino trying to hyperextend those elbows with her double chicken wing.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Liberty politely tells her she doesn’t want to give up. Domino irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty comes back with a step up jumping knee that sends Domino through the ropes to the floor!
The crowd boos. Domino pulls herself up by the apron as Lady Liberty runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty suicide dives over the ropes smacking Domino into the guardrail!!
The audience winces with an “OH!” at the sound of Domino’s body hitting the steel. Lady Liberty climbs back up to the apron, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty jumps off the top rope with a 630 senton!!
The OA Arena rocks with boos as Liberty and Domino lie on the floor next to one another. Dan Stein looks on with concern
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty climbs up to the apron gets a running start and backflips into a shooting star press, but Domino rolls out of the way!!
The Manchester crowd cheers. Domino gets up and grabs Lady Liberty’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino slingshots her face first into the corner post!!
The fans let out another “OH!” at the sound of Lady Liberty’s head clanging off of the ring post
Phillip Blauer: You could hear that from here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino rolls Liberty back into the ring, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. She jumps off and catches Liberty from behind with a bulldog off the top rope!
Domino wraps her legs around Lady Liberty’s head and applies a triangle choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino applies a triangle scissors lock! She pulls back on Lady Liberty’s arm while using those legs to create a vice like grip around her head and neck.
Kelly O’Connell asks Lady Liberty if she wants to give up, but doesn’t get an answer. Domino tightens her grip, and Liberty tips over to her side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino continues to cut off Lady Liberty’s air with the triangle choke!
Phillip Blauer: It appears Liberty is still a little loopy from hitting that corner post. She should call a timeout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no time outs.
Phillip Blauer: She’s a superhero, she could merely freeze time if she wanted. I assume.
The fans start singing again
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty now back on her knees in the triangle choke. She uses her free arm to punch Domino repeatedly until Domino releases her arm.
Domino climbs to the top turnbuckle but Lady Liberty struggles to meet her on the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty grabs her around the neck and backflips into a spanish fly!!
The audience boos. Lady Liberty makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Lady Liberty pulls Domino up by the hair and irish whips her into the ropes. She catches her with a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crown of Cassiopeia! She follows it up with a standing 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Lady Liberty touches her eye brow to see if it’s bleeding, and then pulls Domino up by the arm. She pulls her into a ripcord bicycle knee smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Minor!!
Lady Liberty climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and then backflips into a double rotation moonsault
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Major!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty lifts her up on her shoulders in a fireman’s carry, and walks her around the ring.
Phillip Blauer: She’s just toying with her now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Domino pulls her back into a crucifix cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: What??
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Domino has defeated Lady Liberty for the Hardkore Women’s Championship!
“Domino” by KISS plays and “The Punisher” Dan Stein runs into the ring with the Hardkore Women’s Championship handing it to Domino, who is on her knees in disbelief
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 3 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…DOMINO!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Was that corner post made out of kryptonite? We need to get that checked.
Lady Liberty sits in the corner, stunned as Dan Stein lifts Domino on his shoulder, the Hardkore Women’s Championship hoisted high above her head
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think even Domino probably thought she was going to try and get her licks in, but she looks shocked that she was able to pin Lady Liberty’s shoulders to the mat. I guess she had picked something up from all the time they spent together!
Phillip Blauer: Wait till Captain Righteous finds out about this. He’s liable to blow this whole building away with his super breath.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, until that happens, Domino is your new Hardkore Women’s Champion!
When the makers of The Haunted Mall, voted the third best haunted house in a mall in Palm Springs, decided to extend their lease through the Christmas season with Krampos, many wondered if we were just trying to squeeze more money out of a fairly seasonal concept. But now, we are proud to announce we have paid for a year long lease so there can be haunted houses all year round. It never has to go away! Introducing Fear Year Round!
Like a Martin Luther King Day haunted house!
“I have a dream! But also very scary nightmares!”
The Valentine’s Date…From Hell!
Our St. Patrick’s Day!
Leprechaun: It’ll be a Sunday, Bloody Sunday!
When Spring comes, we’re even gonna pay the mall Easter bunny to a shift where he chases you at the end with a chainsaw
On Cinco De Mayo, you wear an El Santo mask and try to get away from Vampire Women, played by the girls from Hot Dog on a Stick
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: After that big upset, we have another title match, this time for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship as Team Fairtex puts it on the line against the new team of The Sharp Dressed Men, comprised of the former and current Hardkore California Champions, Tuxedo Mask and Joe Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: I’m hurt that they didn’t ask me to join them as a (bad Spanish accent) trios.
“Sharp Dressed Man” by ZZ Top plays and the AO Arena cheers. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain with the Hardkore California Championship, his crown and cape with scepter. He stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the pop. Joe Nobody walks out next and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of his face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie. Tux walks to the other side of the ramp and pumps up the fans with his scepter to cheer him on that side as well. Nobody begins making his way to the ring, while Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask have never teamed before, but felt that they were kindred spirits, joined by their love of fashion.
Phillip Blauer: Teams have been formed under lesser connections. Many times it was just because both men owned blue trunks, or in the case of The Fantastics, had the same days off of stripping.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody respects the way Team Fairtex handles their business, but cautions them that the second they make a mistake, he’s going to be there to capitalize.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps, he stops. He turns around to give a kid in the Tuxedo Mask soccer jersey they have available at the merch stand his signature fedora. Tuxedo Mask walks over to the boy’s mother and starts chatting her up before he slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of cheers before preparing for the match. Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore California Champion Tuxedo Mask wants to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles for a second time to add to his impressive title collection, and stop Team Fairtex from embarrassing the division as he sees it.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants. Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know about the guys, but every girl’s crazy for these two!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, The Challengers. From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!! His partner is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!! They are THE SHARP DRESSED MEN!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers
"UFC Remix" plays and the OA Arena cheers loudly! Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship belts around their waists
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex achieved a dream when they defeated The Miracle Violence Combination II in Albuquerque back in June, and then successfully defended them in Las Vegas against The Dutch Express. Tonight, they put them on the line against two former and current Hardkore California Champions, and see if their teamwork can overcome Tux and Joe’s individual strengths.
Tong and Phantam slap hands with the fans on the way to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex may have been trying to create some dissension between these two, by claiming that Joe’s comments insulted Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: That was Farnam.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You mean Phantam, and no, it wasn’t. Tong says that Joe because Tux has been wrestling for longer, Nobody’s comments were disrespectful to him.
Phillip Blauer: Pretty sure that was Filliam.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; From Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
The Manchester fans give them a huge pop as the tag team champs as they hold their belts up
Hardkore World Tag Team Match
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Tuxedo Mask and Phantam Fairtex elect to start out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux and Phantam lock up, and Fairtex quickly flips him over into a fireman’s carry. Phantam scoops Tux up and bodyslams him to the mat.
Tuxedo Mask gets up and runs into a Mexican armdrag and then a Japanese arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex yanks up on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Tux rolls to his feet, but Phantam clamps down on his arm harder.
Tux is able to slip his arm out, and twist Fairtex’s arm. He runs up the ropes to the top
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask uses Phantam’s twisted arm to tightrope walk along the rope, then hops off into a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Phantam Fairtex kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hooks Phantam and hits him with a snap suplex. He tries pulling him up, but Fairtex takes him over with an ipponzei judo toss!
Phantam Fairtex hits Tuxedo Mask with a dropkick and then tags in his brother Tong
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double suplexes Tuxedo Mask!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, and then struggles to get up. Tong Fairtex runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex with an ax kick to the back of Tux’s head!
Tong pulls Tux up into a muay thai style clinch and hits him with a knee strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex striking Tux all over his body with muay thai knees while keeping him in that clinch. He smacks Tuxedo Mask in the throat with some knife edge chops, backing him into the ropes.
Tong Fairtex hits Tuxedo Mask in the chest with several muay thai punches, then switches to muay thai palm strikes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting overwhelmed by the striking skill of the Thai MMA fighters, I’m not sure how he’ll defend himself against this onslaught…
Tux does a split and then punches Tong Fairtex in the balls
Phillip Blauer: That’ll work.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask tags in Joe Nobody. Nobody irish whips Tux into Tong Fairtex, catching him with a roundhouse kick! Fairtex gets up to his knees, and Nobody comes in with a shining wizard!
The OA Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Nobody’s foot hitting Fairtex’s skull. He pulls Tong up and ties up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody snaps back into a russian leg sweep! He uses the momentum to roll over into a pinning position!
…ONE!
…Tong Fairtex kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex gets up but runs into an arm drag, and then kips up but charges into a second arm drag.
The crowd starts singing “Sharp Dressed Man”
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Joe Nobody pulls Tong Fairtex up to his feet in a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody release dragon suplexes Tong Fairtex across the ring!
Nobody pulls Fairtex up by the hair, and then irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody ducks down for a back drop, but Tong catches him with a shake, rattle, and roll out of nowhere!
Phillip Blauer: Haven’t heard it called that in a while. Can we go back to calling sleepers a Good Night Irene?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Tong Fairtex pushes Joe Nobody into the ropes, and then hits him with a knee strike on his return!
Tong Fairtex goes to hit a rising Nobody with a muay thai kick, but Nobody catches it and takes him down with a dragon screw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls Fairtex up and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
Joe Nobody tags in Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask goes to punch Tong Fairtex, but Fairtex bows up on him. Tux backs off, trying to interest him in a Tuxedo Mask soccer jersey
Phillip Blauer: Tux trying to talk some sense into Tong Fairtex from punching him, and he would do well to listen. I’m overhearing Tux offering deep discounts for a soccer jersey from the King of California.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Joe sneaks up behind him and release german suplexes Tong!
Tong pulls himself up by the ropes as Tuxedo Mask waits for him to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Tuxedo Mask feels comfortable handspringing into a spear on Tong Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tong Fairtex kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a springboard dragon rana!!
The Manchester audience cheers. They start singing “Sharp Dressed Man”
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Tuxedo Mask pulls Tong Fairtex up into a ¾ nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux goes for a shiranui, but Tong gets free, and superkicks Tuxedo Mask when he lands behind him!
The fans pop as Tong crawls over and tags in Phantam. Phantam comes in and they both front facelock Tux
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double DDTs Tuxedo Mask!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex applies a gogoplata on Tuxedo Mask! He pulls down on the back of Tux’s head while using that shin to choke him. Phil, you’ve been pretty quiet. Are you getting nervous about your match with Kilroy coming up soon?
Phillip Blauer: Me? Poppycock. It’s just…did they turn the heat up in this place or something?
Tommy Milligan checks in but Tuxedo Mask won’t tap out. Joe Nobody roots Tux on from the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex cutting off Tux’s air, pulling down on the gogoplata.
Tuxedo Mask waves Joe Nobody in to help him, and Joe Nobody steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody stomps on Phantam Fairtex to break up the gogoplata.
Tommy Milligan forces Joe Nobody back to his corner, as Phantam pummels Tux with lefts and rights on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam battering Tuxedo Mask on the mat. He pulls him up, smashing Tux on the back and neck with forearms. He hammerlocks Tux’s arm and body slams him on his chicken winged arm!
Tuxedo Mask clutches his arm close to his body. He gets up and Phantam Fairtex hits him with a muy thai kick to his thigh
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex hits Tux with another muay thai kick to his ankle. Another muay thai kick to his shin. Tuxedo Mask tries to fire back with a kick of his own, but Phantam catches it. Tux swings around with an enzuigiri roundhouse kick!
The fans cheer. Tux staggers over to tag in Joe Nobody but Phantam grabs him from behind with a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex with a rear waistlock takedown. Tux sits up and Fairtex kicks him with a face wash!
Phantam tags in Tong. Tong dragon screws Tux while Phantam executes a flying muay Thai style spin kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Double Dragon Sweep!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex gives Tux a spinning toe hold, and then drops down into a figure four! He clamps down on Tuxedo Mask’s crossed legs, making him sit up in pain.
Tuxedo Mask reaches out for the ropes, but they are too far away. Joe claps on the apron, trying to root Tux on, Tommy Milligan asks Tux if he wants to give up but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex sits up and falls back down, to increase the pressure on Tuxedo Mask’s legs. Tux isn’t giving up, so Tong pulls him up into a double underhook, and then drops to his knees, driving Tux’s face into a pedigree!
Tong pulls Tux up by the hair, and smashes him in the face with a headbutt. He then lands a stiff muay thai kick to his lower back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex takes a swing at him with a muay thai punch, but Tux ducks and atomic drops Fairtex on the top rope!
The AO Arena cheers. Tuxedo Mask then runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask kangaroo kicks the perched Tong Fairtex to the floor below!
Tong Fairtex falls awkwardly to the floor. Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux baseball slides under the ropes and catches Tong Fairtex with a helicopter rana on the floor!!
The Manchester fans cheer loudly. Phantam Fairtex enters the ring runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex somersaults over the ropes into a senton that takes out both Tuxedo Mask and his brother Tong!!
The cheering gets even louder. Phantam lets out a war cry, and then motions for Tuxedo Mask to get up. Joe Nobody runs along the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody hops onto the second turnbuckle, and then jumps back into a dropkick that catches Phantam Fairtex!!
The audience cheers and chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” Tuxedo Mask rolls back into the ring. Joe charges a rising Phantam with a clothesline but Fairtex ducks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe unwittingly runs right into a superkick by Tong Fairtex!
Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and does a no hand handspring into a backflip over the ropes with a sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask’s Twilight Dance takes out Team Fairtex!!
Now the crowd chants “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” Joe Nobody pulls Phantam up and starts slugging him, backing him into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex now getting the better end of that brawl with Joe Nobody with those muay thai strikes to the face. Nobody tries to punch back, but Phantam ducks and back suplexes Nobody onto the apron!!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the impact it made on Nobody’s back. On the other side of the ring, Tuxedo Mask grabs a chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault, smashing that chair into Tong’s face!!
The crowd cheers as both men lie on the floor, nursing their wounds, with the chair next to them. The AO Arena continues to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex picks up that chair, and when Tuxedo Mask gets up, Fairtex waffles the chair into his back!!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, then crumbles to the floor. Phantam slides a table out from underneath the ring, and sets it up at ringside, while Tong gingerly slides back into the ring. Phantam rolls Tuxedo Mask onto the table as Tong runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong leaps onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard senton but Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the way and Fairtex crashes through the table!!
The fans erupt with a huge pop as Tuxedo Mask crawls back into the ring and over towards an awaiting Joe Nobody. Phantam helps his brother back into the ring and then goes to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong tags in his brother Phantam, but Tuxedo Mask crawls over to his corner and tags in Joe Nobody! Nobody runs into the ring and catches Phantam with a tornado DDT!
Tong tries to hit Joe Nobody with a muay thai kick, but Joe catches it and takes him down to the mat with a dragon screw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody presses an uncooperative Tuxedo Mask over his head and uses him to take out an oncoming Phantam Fairtex with a flying body press!
Tong gets up and tries to bail out his brother, but Joe Nobody is ready for him with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement!
The OA Arena starts singing
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody lifts Phantam Fairtex up into a fisherman’s buster and then sits out into an Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tong Fairtex stomps the back of Joe Nobody’s head!
Joe Nobody gets up to fight with Tong, but Tommy Milligan forces him back to his corner. Nobody turns around into a spear from Phantam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bull Run by Phantam Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex irish whips Joe Nobody into the corner, and comes running in with his stinger splash but Joe Nobody superkicks him in mid-air!!
The Manchester audience cheers and Joe Nobody tags in Tuxedo Mask, who climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody lifts Phantam Fairtex up in a powerbomb and Tuxedo Mask comes off the top with a somersault neckbreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have new champions!
“Sharp Dressed Men” by ZZ Top plays and Tuxedo Mask and Joe Nobody grab the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 37 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SHARP DRESSED MEN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In their second match as a team, Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask have won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships! This is Tuxedo Mask’s second time as tag team champion!
Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts while Tuxedo Mask holds his Hardkore California Championship up in his other hand
"On KPLM at 2am, it’s The Fast Food Report with Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.!
Cut to Carl Valentine Jr. sitting at a desk, with a green screen behind him playing clips of fast food burgers, fries, and sodas
Carl Valentine Jr.: (nervous, looking at the wrong camera, his lower third graphic says Karl Valentine Jr.) Tonight, we investigate Burger King’s Chicken fries. What are they? Why are they?
We run down the top 5 fries in the country and explain why seasoned fries are cheating!
Are secret menus elitist?
How to get a date with the drive thru lady. I mean, I think. It’s never actually worked, but I think some of them just had a rule about dating customers.
In Memoriam, a look back at everybody killed over a Popeye’s chicken sandwich during the pandemic
And, it’s Flashback Friday so we take a fond look back at McDonald’s Mighty Wings
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next, is a special attraction for our trip to the UK. It is our huge honor that we get a Wrestle: UK Championship match with Lord Dominicus putting his newly won belt on the line against former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik!
‘Seasons in the Abyss’ by Stone Sour hits, and the Manchester fans boo as Malcolm Xavier Graves comes out first. The jeers grow louder as The Sheik storms from the back, pointing at the heavens before he snarls and spits. He shoves past Graves, heading for the ring to roll inside. Kelly O’Connell cuts him off, trying to calm him down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves is far from impressed by Lord Dominicus, despite his lengthy resume here in the XHF.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, MXG is hard to impress. I’ve caught his piercing stare before. It’s withering. I will say the chap did lose me at this Eldee business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pardon?
Phillip Blauer: Well The Sheik is wrestling Lord Dominicus for the British belt, but he's completely preoccupied with this Eldee guy he kept mentioning. Now I don’t know if that’s a guy from another promotion or a past foe that he was never able to settle things with, but Graves has to keep his eyes on the prize if he’s hoping for his 80% cut.
Guillermo O’Bannon: LD, Phil. Those are his initials.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s initials?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, then pinches his nose, before continuing) Graves hopes that by beating Lord Dominicus tonight, The Sheik will defeat his third Wrestle: UK Champion, and that this will prove The Sheik should be in the main event more often.
The Sheik paces in the ring, eyeing the entrance as Malcolm Xavier Graves warns Kelly O’Connell she better call a fair match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik thinks everything Lord Dominicus does, he does a little bit better, and it’s all going to add up to Lord Dominicus going to the hospital.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, maybe he’ll get to sample some of England’s famous free health care.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the WRESTLE: UK CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, The Challenger; accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves, From The Empty Quarter, Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds…THE SHEIK!!!”
Sim City 'Metropolis’ blasts across the OA Arena, and the fans cheer as the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Champion walks from the back. Behind him the screen shows pictures of him rolling up other superstars and driving the DominiCruiser. He gestures to his GRAND VICTORIES on display before strutting down to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus feels a bit put upon having to defend his Wrestle: UK Championship here on a Hardkore World show, but it was agreed to by previous champion Kasper Van Zant.
Phillip Blauer: Well, he should have no-showed. We could have just had the Sun Spiders fight one another. I’ve been itching to see that! I’ve got my eye on #2!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one else is. But Lord Dominicus wanted to expose the British Hardkore World fans to the type of action he is hoping to make the norm in Wrestle: UK.
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s nice of us to offer him a commercial spot. Do they have a jingle we play or something?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not a commercial. It’s a title match.
Phillip Blauer: Well, tomato-tomatoe.
Dominicus nods at the Manchester crowd, absently rolling his shoulders as he adjusts the belt before he holds it high. The fans cheer back, and LD heads for the ring to climb inside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus offering his hand in friendship towards The Sheik in an odd move.
Phillip Blauer: Most people snatch back a bloody stump. Besides, he’s already friends with Eldee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There is no Eldee, Phil. It’s LD.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t follow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus hoping they can show the kind of wrestling you can expect from Wrestle: UK.
Phillip Blauer: So it is a commercial.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Lord Dominicus leans against the ropes, absently stroking the title as The Sheik, points at LD before he motions at his waist.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik seems to be referencing his kidney stones.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik referencing his desire for championship gold.
Phillip Blauer: Ah.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Parts Unknown, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 180 pounds; He is The Current WRESTLE:UK CHAMPION, The Dark Lord of Hardkore World…LORD DOMINICUS!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers Lord Dominicus as he holds up his Wrestle: UK Championship
Wrestle:UK Championship
Kelly O’Connell calls both men to the middle of the ring. She signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik firing off strikes that rocks Dominicus towards the corner!
The Sheik stomps and kicks at him, and even goes so far as to plant a boot on his throat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik choking Lord Dominicus before Kelly O’Connell drags him off.
The Sheik screams at Kelly O’Connell driving her away Malcolm Xavier Graves chokes Dominicus with his cane while her back is turned
Guillermo O’Bannon: MXG choking Lord Dominicus while Kelly’s back is turned!
Phillip Blauer: Why bother? Roscoe Law used an ambulance as a wear down move a couple shows ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is under Wrestle: UK rules.
The fans are livid, booing Malcolm Xavier Graves The Sheik came back in, hauling LD upwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik fires off a few uppercuts.
The audience is jeering and The Sheik whips Lord Dominicus across the ring before he charges in after him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus dives out of the way, and the Sheik crashes into the turnbuckles! Sheik stumbles back into a swinging neckbreaker!
The fans cheer as Lord Dominicus drops the Sheik, and then he stomps him. Dominicus locking on the inverted facelook! The fans are cheering
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Lord Dominicus’ hands to force them away as he rises with a wild gleam in his eyes. He shoves him back, and buries a boot in his stomach! He DDTs the Wrestle: UK Champion!
The fans boo, and the Sheik runs backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik comes off the ropes with a stomp! The Great King of Terror stalks back and forth.
The Sheik calls to Graves. Malcolm Xavier Graves rips a chair from the front row, and slides it inside
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs the chair, slamming it against the mat before he runs at the rising Lord Dominicus! But Kelly O’Connell grabs him, trying to wrestle it away!
The Manchester crowd is eating it up. Lord Dominicus creeps up behind the Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus hits the Dick Punch!
Phillip Blauer: I suppose that is supposed to be the new Wrestle: UK? Dick punches? What’s next purple nurples?
The Sheik topples, and the fans explode as Lord Dominicus feigns innocence at Kelly O’Connell before he rolls up the challenger
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves puts Sheik’s foot on the bottom rope
The fans boo, and Malcolm Xavier Graves is jawing with the Wrestle: UK Champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus is on his feet, and grabs Graves by the tie and pulls him into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Big tough guy, picking on a guy with a cane…and a tie. When will someone speak up for the tied community?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus irish whips Malcolm Xavier Graves into the turnbuckles! Graves bounces into the corner, and Lord Dominicus hits a dropkick that sends him to the outside!!
The AO Arena roars as Malcolm Xavier Graves finally getting his due. Lord Dominicus stalks back over to the rising Sheik, he starts to rag him upwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Dominicus’ mask, pulling it crooked as he rises!
Phillip Blauer: I bet he doesn’t like his wardrobe used against him.
Lord Dominicus’ grabs at his mask, clearly blinded for a second before the Sheik grabbed him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lord Dominicus kicks out!
The Sheik fumes, and he complains to Kelly O’Connell once more before he starts to stomp away at Dominicus.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops back, waiting for Lord Dominicus to rise before he charges in to hit a slingblade!
The Manchester audience boos, and The Sheik leaped onto the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backflips into a moonsault but Lord Dominicus gets his knees up!!
The jeers turn to cheers. The Sheik rolls off, arching in pain as he struggles to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus is up first, and irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and hits a huricanrana!!
The fans cheer, and Dominicus keeps up the pressure before he irish whips him but The Sheik reverses it and shoots Lord Dominicus into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the heel kick out of the Corner, and Dominicus drops once more! The fans are going wild, and the Great King of Terror snarls as he drives a boot beneath LD’s chin to drag him slowly upwards.
Sheik goes for a black mass kick but Lord Dominicus ducks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus ducks The Scimitar! He grabs The Sheik to fire off an exploder suplex!
The fans explode, going wild in Manchester as Graves is on the apron once more. Kelly O'Connell argues with him, pointing angrily as Lord Dominicus reaches behind his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus applies the Midnight Claw Gauntlet and then Vantablack Punches Malcolm Xavier Graves!!
The Manchester crowd is deafening as Graves goes flying, landing in a heap on the outside. Kelly O'Connell stares, and Lord Dominicus points at Graves before he ducks under the charging Sheik! Kelly O'Connell is knocked aside, and the Sheik dropping blows on Lord Dominicus before he irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell got knocked down in the frey, and The Sheik hits Lord Dominicus with a backspring spinning elbow!!
The fans boo, and Dominicus is down as the Sheik grabs the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes flying over the ropes with a leg drop across the steel!!
Lord Dominicus is in a heap, and The Sheik grins as he kicks him over and applies an accolade camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik with The Last Crusade. He locks his hands together under Lord Dominicus’ chin and rocks back on his head and neck.
Phillip Blauer: There’s no one to hear Lord Dominicus beg for mercy! Wake up, Kelly!
The audience urges Lord Dominicus to hang on. The Sheik peels back on Lord Dominicus’ head, bending his neck back at a painful angle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus slides free of The Last Crusade, and The Sheik whirls around only to be leveled with the Vantablack Punch!!
The AO Arena explodes, and the Great King of Terror crashes down, and Dominicus looks at the slowly stirring Kelly O’Connel before he flings aside the gauntlet to make the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Sim City 'Metropolis’ plays and the fans jump to their feet as Kelly O’Connell hands Lord Dominicus his Wrestle: UK Championship
Greg Jin: “At 12 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL WRESTLE: UK CHAMPION…LORD DOMINICUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus uses that Midnight Claw Gauntlet to knock out both The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves to successfully defend his Wrestle: UK Championship!
Lord Dominicus holds the Wrestle: UK title belt over his head as the crowd roars. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Malcolm Xavier Graves on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus did what he set out to do, and showed this Manchester crowd the way Wrestle: UK is going to operate going forward I supposed. Well, it’s time, Phil. Your match is next.
Phillip Blauer: (gulp) I have every confidence in the World that I am about to end Kilroy’s career.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s going to kick your ass so bad.
Phillip Blauer: I doubt it.
Phillip Blauer: Phil Blauer here to talk to you about a common problem among men. There’s many names for it. Bashful bladder, pee shy, constapeeted, the list goes on and on. I too suffer from this affliction, medically known as public piss syndrome. Or PPS. But learn how to live with this disease with my helpful seminar available for 10 easy payments of $33. First, I offer several ways to avoid the experience entirely.
Technique #1: Neutralize the Threat
Phil drags the trash can over to the door and jams it under the doorknob. He peacefully urinates as you hear people struggle fruitlessly trying to open it
Technique #2: Confront the Problem Head On
Phil walks next to a man peeing in a urinal and stands next to him as if to pee, but he just stares at the man
Phillip Blauer: I AM NOT…AFRAID!
Man: Hey buddy, calm down…
Phillip Blauer: I WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE…BY YOU!!
Man: Are…are you OK?
Phillip Blauer: (sobs) Please…help me… I just want to feel safe…
Technique #3: Scorched Earth
Three men are peeing in urinals when suddenly Phil comes in with a tank of kerosene, pouring it over the walls, sinks, and bathroom stalls
Guy: What are you doing??
Another Guy: Are you insane?
Phil strikes a match and lights it, and fire starts consuming the bathroom
Guy: Let’s get out of here.
They run out of the men’s room. Phil sighs with relief, and then begins peeing in the urinal with in a fully engulfed bathroom. He turns to the camera
Phillip Blauer: So stop watching the men’s room door to see when everyone leaves whenever you have to “pay the old water bill”. Order my DVD, “Living with PPS with Phil Blauer”
The firemen run in to the bathroom
Fireman: Sir! You have to evacuate!!
Phillip Blauer: GREAT! Now it stopped again!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hello everyone and welcome to Manchester, England! We’re here for the first time since April of 2007! I am here with Phil Blauer, who will be wrestling his first match and…Phil, what are you doing?
Phil’s butler Worthington is pouring celery juice on Phil’s forehead
Phillip Blauer: A special trick I thought of. I’m applying a liberal amount of vegetable juices to my body so Kilroy cannot bite it. It’s foolproof. Unless of course, Kilroy wears a mouth guard made of flank steak and…(taps the mic on his headset) This thing isn’t on yet, is it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Our main event is two time champion Marty Donovan putting his championship on the line against 5 time champion King Syberus, here in Syberus’ hometown.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, he’s from Manchester, but so are the Bee Gees. Do you think people like the Bee Gees more than Marty? Staying Alive? Funkytown? Enter Sandman? We Are the World?!?!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Most of those are not Bee Gee songs.
Phillip Blauer: You see where your logic just eats itself?
Guillermo O’Bannon: We also have a stretcher match between Alexander Von Blankenship and Syrus Wilder, a Wisconsin chain match with Roscoe Law and Anthony Jordan, and a country whippin match with Dan Stein and Captain Righteous, plus all the title matches here at English Rage in Manchester!
“Don’t Look Back in Anger” by Oasis plays and the crowd leaps to their feet! “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall marches down to the ring with the flag of Greater Manchester over his shoulders as the fans sing along to his theme
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, Manchester born and bred, former Hardkore California Champion “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall! He was adamant that he be at this show to wrestle in front of his countrymen, his fellow Mancunians.
Phillip Blauer: Gadzooks, he’s been brainwashed!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What? No, that’s a Manchurian Candidate. And that was a movie. Mancunians are people from Manchester.
Phillip Blauer: He could snap at any moment. His trigger code is probably “fried fish in a styrofoam takeaway box”.
Callum Cornwall holds up the Manchester flag in the center of the ring and waves it for the roaring audience
Greg Jin: “Hello Ladies and Gentleman, and welcome to the first ever, English Rage in Manchester 2024!”
The AO Arena explodes and starts singing and swaying
We shall not, we shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
Just like the team that's gonna win the Football League (again)
We shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
We shall not, we shall not be moved
Just like the team that's gonna win the Football League (again)
We shall not be moved
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, from Salford in Greater Manchester, England!”
The crowd cuts him off with an ear splitting pop, then the crowd starts singing again
M, U, F, C!
Harry Maguire!
Harry Maguire!
He fucked off Leicester,
For Manchester,
His head's fucking massive!
M, U, F, C!
Harry Maguire!
Harry Maguire!
He fucked off Leicester,
For Manchester,
His head's fucking massive!
Phillip Blauer: Alright, alright. My foot has an appointment with Kilroy’s keister. Let’s keep this moving.
Greg Jin: “Standing 5 feet 10 inches tall; Weighing 175 pounds; ‘THE SALFORD SQUID’ CALLUM CORNWALL!!!”
The AO Arena gives him a homecoming ovation as Cornwall begins to stretch for his match.
The AO Arena goes dark as the beat to "Got it on Me" by Pop Smoke interrupts the darkness
"Look
Have mercy on me, have mercy on my soul
Don't let my heart turn cold
Have mercy on me, have mercy on my soul
Don't let my heart turn cold
Have mercy on many men
Many, many, many, many men
Wish death 'pon me
Yeah, I don't cry no mo'
I don't look to the sky no mo'
'Cause I got it on me"
A spotlight shines on Doc Holiday as he stands at the top of the entrance ramp, hood up on his black AW wrestling sweatshirt.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Here he is, the former Action Wrestling North American Champion Doc Holiday.
Holiday’s head slowly bobs to the music as he walks to the ring looking very focused on the task at hand. The Manchester fans jeer and boo him as he walks to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday is here in Hardkore World after his contract talks with Action Wrestling broke down, and they couldn’t come to an agreement on a number. Sources believe Doc is open to returning to Action Wrestling at some point, and may be using his appearances around the wrestling world as leverage to force them back to the bargaining table.
Phillip Blauer: Hardkore World is like that skanky girl you take out so that your ex sees you two together.
Doc stops short of the ring apron, and pauses for a moment before he jumps straight onto the ring apron. He slides under the middle rope, going to the center of the ring where he embraces the boos from the crowd with a sly smirk and his arms out.
Yolanda Ando: Doc Holiday is wearing some black board shorts with "Doc" on one side, "Holiday" on the other in shiny green satin.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Doc Holiday taking on Callum Cornwall in front of Squid’s friends and family, in a hostile arena, in an unfamiliar territory.
Green pyros go off behind him as he lifts his arms, shooting from left to right and then right to left.
Phillip Blauer: Wow! He brought pyros!
Greg Jin: “And his opponent is from Oakland, California; He stands 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds…DOC HOLIDAY!!!”
Holiday gets a heavy round of jeers and heckling, with fans chanting “Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?” which he ignores
Doc Holiday vs. “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. Callum Cornwall goes in for a lock up, but Holiday catches him with an arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday twists Cornwall’s arm. He gives Squid’s arm another crank, and then back kicks him in the face.
Cornwall charges in on Holiday, but Doc trips him with a drop toehold. He grabs Squid’s arm and flips him in a fireman’s carry takedown
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday’s arm gets caught in an armbar. Callum sticks his knee into the ball of Doc’s shoulder and clamps down on the trapped arm.
The audience applauds as Cornwall wrenches back on Holiday’s wrist and elbow, trying to pull his arm out of its socket.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday works his way to his feet with “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall hanging on to that armbar. He cranks back on that shoulder, continuing to wear down the former Action Wrestling CBS Champion.
Phillip Blauer: You don’t say? Why that means he was probably champion of quality programming like Young Sheldon and Fire Country.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, I guess. Doc Holiday takes his free arm and rakes the eyes of Callum Cornwall to escape the armbar.
The AO Arena jeers. Doc Holiday follows it up with a right hook to Callum Cornwall’s solar plexus. He follows it up with a left cross across Squid’s cheekbone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday roughing him up in the ropes, and stands Squid up with an uppercut. He twirls around into a spinning back fist!
Callum Cornwall seems to get caught with that one, and then Doc Holiday irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday takes Cornwall over in a flying headscissors takedown!
Cornwall sits up from the impact and then falls back down. The Manchester crowd boos as Holiday motions for Squid to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum ducks a spinning back kick, and then runs Holiday into the ropes and then rolls back into a backroll press!
…ONE!
…Doc Holiday kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall catches Doc getting up with a running european uppercut, and then knocks him to the mat with a discus elbow!
The AO Arena pops as “The Salford Squid” Callum Cornwall applies a spinning toe hold
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cornwall with spinning toe hold! He wrenches Doc Holiday’s ankle towards the rest of his body.
The fans chant “BREAK IT! BREAK IT! BREAK IT!” so Callum Cornwall gives his leg another spin. Doc Holiday cries out in pain and falls back to the mat. Referee Tommy Milligan checks in to see if Holiday wants to give up but he shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: I wonder if as CBS Champion, Doc Holiday got to talk to the stars of Bull? That would have been around that time, I do believe.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never saw it.
Phillip Blauer: Are you kidding me? It was loosely based on the life of Dr. Phil, and by that I mean, completely true. Bull was a jury analyst…and a loose cannon!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gives that spinning toe hold another wrench, twisting Doc’s knee.
The Manchester audience start singing to the tune of “You Are My Sunshine”
You are my Cornwall
My only Cornwall
You make me happy
When skies are gray
Oh Syberus
Was fucking dearer
So please don't take
My Cornwall away
The AO Arena claps for Cornwall. The veteran Holiday grabs a hold of Squid’s hair and rocks him in the temple with a right hook
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday rolls back into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday catches a rising Callum Cornwall between the eyes with a pele kick!
The audience boos. Doc Holiday pulls Squid to his feet by the hair, and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc drills his head into the mat with a huracanrana!
The heckling gets louder as Doc Holiday blocks it out and pulls Cornwall up into a side headlock and walks him into the corner
Phillip Blauer: I wonder if Doc got to appear on any episodes of Blue Bloods as CBS Champion? You could probably do a whole channel for the Irish Americans of Tom Selleck reading the newspaper while you try to make him proud of you for once.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I hate to admit that I would like to try. I’d tell him I got on the football team, and he wouldn’t even lower his newspaper. “Your mother told me. JV, right?” I would hear from behind the Boston Herald. (snaps out of it) Doc Holiday runs out of the corner into the center of the ring with a bulldog!
The boo birds rain down on Doc Holiday as he steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday leaps off with a springboard crossbody!! Did you see the height he got on that one?
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Callum Cornwall gets to his hands and knees, but Doc punt kicks him in the head!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Holiday’s boot meeting Cornwall’s skull. Holiday backs up and does the making it rain signal to the jeers of the audience
Phillip Blauer: Don’t mind if I do!
Phil throws a bunch of money in the air and the fans behind him clamors to catch it all. Inside the ring, Doc Holiday gets a running start and then sentons Cornwall
Guillermo O’Bannon: Paper Chase!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Callum Cornwall kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Doc Holiday applies his Million Dollar Scream crippler crossface!
The AO Arena rocks with boos as Doc Holiday locks his hands together underneath Cornwall’s chin. Tommy Milligan checks in to see if he gives up, but Squid refuses
Guillermo O’Bannon: Holiday pushes off with his legs, peeling back Cornwall’s head and arm. He cinches in the Million Dollar Scream for one last wrench, and The Squid is forced to tap out!
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and "Got it on Me" by Pop Smoke plays. The Manchester crowd jeers as Doc Holiday releases the Million Dollar Scream
Greg Jin: “At 10 minutes 44 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…DOC HOLIDAY!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In front of an unusually hostile crowd, Doc Holiday scores a win over the hometown boy Callum Cornwall!
Milligan raises Holiday’s arm as the jeers and heckling rain down on him. Doc then steps through the ropes out to the floor, ignoring the middle fingers and hatred
Phillip Blauer: Doc just improved his stock in his contract dispute with his former bosses.
Guillermo O’Bannon: And who knows, maybe he’ll stick around Hardkore World?
Phillip Blauer: Why in God’s name would he do that?
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Cut to manager of Jimmy’s cigar lounge, a heavy set older man, smoking a cigar in an upscale cigar lounge
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A voice over matching reenactments
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If you sign up for our membership to become a regular, you can assign our staff nicknames that they are obligated to like being called
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Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Phillip Blauer: I tell you Gepetto, this place just relaxes me. When I drive here in England, there aren’t a bunch of road ragers screaming at me “You’re driving on the wrong side of the road! Don’t drive from the passenger seat!” like at home. Bunch of nuts over there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the first big match for NOMAD here in Hardkore World where he will be taking on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen who is returning from injury.
“Born To Be Wild” by Steppenwolf plays and the Manchester fans cheer as The Hardkore Tron begins playing a guy on screen with a ponytail riding a motorcycle. Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen walks out onto the ramp with his wife, Mickie Fury
Guillermo O’Bannon: In May of 2023, Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen suffered broken ribs in Tacoma, during a Sooner Squeeze Challenge put on by former Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion Kalmin Watts. He took time off to heal his ribs and other nagging injuries he’s incurred over his 16 year career.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, if Jonnie is giving out guaranteed money I’d take as much mailbox money I could.
The Manchester fans pat Dirk van Thijmen on the back and shoulders as he walks down the aisle. Mickie Fury slaps hands with people near ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk has been training in his home of Belgium, also knocking off some ring rust recently in matches in Santa Fe and Laughlin.
Phillip Blauer: Probably hobnobbing with the Belgian elite like Kim Clijsters and Jean-Claude Van Dam.
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen steps through the ropes and holds up his arms. The AO Arena cheers
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen isn’t intimidated by NOMAD and what he accomplished in Tap Out, and thinks NOMAD should be the one honored to wrestle him.
Phillip Blauer: Well isn’t that a fine how do you do?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk looks to take advantage of NOMAD’s unfamiliarity with the Hardkore World wrestling scene and beat the former Tap Out Champion on one of his first nights in the company.
Yolanda Ando: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen is dressed in a wool coat with high black boots, underneath he has tight knee high leather pants. He has a hairy chest, and spiked reddish hair and mustache. Mickie Fury wears a white cat suit and white boots.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Mickie Fury, Originally from Antwerpen, Belgium now living in Los Angeles, California; Standing at 6 feet tall; Weighing 230 pounds…DIRK ‘GLORIOUS WOLF’ VAN THIJMEN!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers Dirk and Mickie
Lights out. White flashes in time with a screeching ringing sound. Three times... Three more... A hulking figure bursts through the curtain into the view of the crowd as the lights flash on and off to “Show Me The Body” by Aspirin. The masked NOMAD stands there, bobbing slightly to the drumbeat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In our biggest free agent acquisition of the year, Hardkore Jonnie Valentine signed the final Tap Out Champion, NOMAD.
Phillip Blauer: Tap Out closed?? But I was on my 5th interview for back up to the C announcer over there? I had to listen to the Talent Relations explain to me how they were like a family over there, right after explaining their ability to terminate me without cause!
NOMAD takes his time in surveying his surroundings before he begins making his way toward the ring, ignoring the hands that reach or swipe at him from over the barriers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His final title defense in that company was against Poena, The Sanctified in Las Vegas. He considered hanging it up but decided against it, as he still had that hunger to compete.
Phillip Blauer: Me too. No…wait, it’s for poutine. False alarm.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now he comes over to Hardkore World where he’s still adjusting to the travel schedule after mostly wrestling in Las Vegas lately. But he’s intent on making at least one big run on the West Coast before all is said and done, after proving to himself he could be the top guy in Vegas.
NOMAD climbs the closest set of stairs and kneels at the top while the song builds.
Phillip Blauer: What’s he doing now?
NOMAD jumps up, then walks along the apron and steps between the ropes, whipping the balaclava off as he does. He approaches the center of the ring with arms outstretched, holding the mask in one hand. Then he simply makes his way to the near corner prepares for the match to start
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Colville, Washington; Standing 6 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 260 pounds…He is The Wanderer…NOMAD!!!”
The AO Arena cheers as he lightly acknowledges it
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen vs. NOMAD
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and NOMAD whacks Dirk with a reverse knife edge chop.
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD with another chop, and Dirk goes down stairs with a punch to the gut.
NOMAD smashes van Thijmen with a forearm, and Dirk fires back with a clubbing forearm of his own to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: A fistfight has broken out here early, Dirk van Thijmen cracks NOMAD with a european uppercut. NOMAD responds with a knuckle arrow punch. He smashes Glorious Wolf with his own european uppercut.
Dirk van Thijmen pops NOMAD with an elbow, and then takes him over in a snapmare
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen flips him with a fireman’s carry into a hammerlock. He pulls up on NOMAD’s wrist, trying to hyperextend the elbow.
Mickie Fury applauds on the outside. NOMAD escapes by doing a go behind, but the veteran headlocks him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen grabs a side headlock on NOMAD. He locks his hands together and grinds on the temples of the former Tap Out Champion.
The audience starts singing
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
Oh, Dirk we love you
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
We love Dirk, we do
Oh, Dirk we love you
Phillip Blauer: Have you noticed everyone around here in England carries an umbrella?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well yeah, it rains a lot here.
Phillip Blauer: Sure. But it’s weird, right?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It is, yeah.
NOMAD tries to lift van Thijmen up on his shoulder, but Dirk clamps down on the headlock to shut that down. NOMAD then pushes him off into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD nearly takes his head off with a big boot!
The English crowd pops. NOMAD pulls Dirk up by the hair and then nearly snap suplexes him out of his boots
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD applies a stretch plum. He pulls back on van Thijmen’s head and arm, while kneeling.
Richie Richardson asks Dirk if he wants to give up but he refuses. Mickie Fury gives him words of encouragement from the outside. The audience begins singing to the tune of This Old Man
N-O-M-A-D
United are the team for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Marty fuck off home
N-O-M-A-D
United are the team for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Marty fuck off home
Phillip Blauer: I googled stretch plum to see what in blazes you’re talking about, and now I’m just going through all these really nice sweaters I could buy. Oooh, look, this one is really nice. Very cozy.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. NOMAD cranks that arm, trying to separate it from the rest of his body. Finally, van Thijmen cracks him in the ribs to escape the stretch plum.
Dirk van Thijmen grabs NOMAD by the hair and smashes his face into the turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk rams NOMAD’s head into the turnbuckle again, and then lifts him up into an inverted atomic drop.
Nomad staggers out of the corner while Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen hits NOMAD right in the face with a flying dropkick!
The AO Arena reacts loudly to the height Dirk got. NOMAD gets up and runs right into a hip toss. Mickie James cheers her husband on from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Van Thijmen ducks underneath a tornado kick, and release german suplexes him half way across the ring!
The crowd winces at the angle that van Thijmen landed in a heap. Dirk gets up into a sitting position on the mat, but NOMAD applies a stump puller
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD with a stump puller on Dirk. He sits on the back of van Thijmen’s neck, while pulling up on Dirk’s ankles.
Richie Richardson checks in but Dirk shakes his head, refusing to submit. Mickie Fury urges her hubby not to give up
Guillermo O’Bannon: James Sloane puts all his weight on the back of van Thijmen’s head, pressing his chin into his own chest. He tries to bend Dirk in half!
Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen continues to decline to tap out, so NOMAD releases the stump puller. NOMAD runs into the ropes and cracks a sitting Dirk with a running knee to his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus IV!!
The Manchester fans let out a collective “OH” at the impact NOMAD’s face made with van Thijmen’s face
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD grabs Dirk around the neck and slams him into the mat with a twisting uranage!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dirk van Thijmen kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD pulls him up by the arm, and goes for a shortarm clothesline, but Dirk ducks and runs NOMAD into the ropes, and tumbles back into a bridging backroll press!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…NOMAD kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk catches NOMAD getting up with a reverse heel kick!
The audience pops as NOMAD staggers back. Van Thijmen punches him in the stomach, and then grabs him in a front facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen twists into a swinging neckbreaker!
NOMAD sits up, holding the back of his head. Dirk van Thijmen is busy stepping through the ropes out onto the ring apron. Van Thijmen climbs to the top turnbuckle, and waits for NOMAD to turn around
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk van Thijmen dives off the top turnbuckle with a flying clothesline!
Dirk pulls NOMAD up by the hair and grabs him in a front waistlock. He plants his legs and tries to flip him but is unable to get him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dirk going for his bearhug suplex, but NOMAD is too heavy.
NOMAD grabs Dirk by the arm and pulls him into a ripcord knee to the face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus!
Phillip Blauer: I thought he already did that move?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, that was Nihilus IV.
Phillip Blauer: The decent thing to do is to do the moves in order.
NOMAD shows his power by lifting Dirk van Thijmen up in a hanging suplex, and then spikes the top of Glorious Wolf’s head on his knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nihilus V!!
Phillip Blauer: Now, I’m totally lost. Which one is the prequel money grab?
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD picks Dirk van Thijmen and then recklessly drops him on the back of his head with a backdrop driver!!
The crowd cheers as NOMAD motions for Dirk to get to his feet. When he does, NOMAD runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD clotheslines him wth a big lariat and then drops to his knees and makes the cover!! He sent van Thijmen end over end!!
The crowd lets out the biggest “OH” of the night so far. Mickie Fury covers her mouth in horror. NOMAD drops to his knees and makes the cover on Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Greg Jin: “At 11 minutes 28 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…NOMAD!!!”
The fans cheer as “Show Me The Body” by Aspirin plays. NOMAD raises his arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD picks up where he left off in Tap Out, with a big win over Dirk “Glorious Wolf” van Thijmen!
Mickie Fury helps van Thijmen to the floor. Richie Richardson raises NOMAD’s hand in victory
Guillermo O’Bannon: NOMAD puts the West Coast on notice, he’s here to wreck things!
Phillip Blauer: That’s my job.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you’re more like the one that ruins everything.
Phillip Blauer: Gotcha.
{Kevin Valentine, Jr. walks up on Kilroy Evans, travel bag in hand as he walks toward the locker room.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Kilroy! A moment, please. Are you ready to fight tonight, knowing it could be the last time?
{Kilroy abruptly stops and turns and walks over to Kevin, who takes a couple steps back in worry. Kilroy sets his bag down and tries to give a serious glare. But he can't help himself and looks away, rubbing his chin in thought. He finally leans toward the microphone.}
Kilroy Evans: You know something, K-Val, Phil had a lot of words at the ready to paint a picture of me. But that picture's like the thinking paths in his brain: incomplete. There's been a lot of stuff said about me over the years, but the words that've stuck with me the hardest are some from one of my first times officially working for Hardkore World.
{Kevin looks distracted as Kilroy waits for him to follow up.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Oh! So what were---
Kilroy Evans: I remember watching my match from that night. Nervous, worried about fitting in. But the crowd didn't hate me and Guillermo O'Bannon said something about me that hit straight to my soul.
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: The thing he s---
Kilroy Evans: One simple, beautiful sentence!"Kilroy Evans, you can always count on him to give one of, if not the best match on the card." Kevin, I was given the best compliment and mission statement someone like me could've ever hoped for! Whatever Guillermo saw in me to say that, that thing I don't know if I could ever pinpoint in myself, those words have carried me forward all these years and still do to this day!
{Kevin goes to say something but hesitates, watching Kilroy. He stares back, raising an eyebrow.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: It sounds like those words resonated with you more than anything Phillip Blauer has ever said.
Kilroy Evans: I keep those words in my head and my heart every time I step into the ring. Those words have made miracles happen! And I'm really gonna lean on them the hardest I ever have tonight, when I go out there against Blauer and spin straw into gold.
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Will it really be enough to overcome what you're up against, though?
{Kilroy leans in dangerously close to Kevin.}
Kilroy Evans: Well, hopefully those words and decades of experience should help me scrape by. If that doesn't work out, though, I'll fall back on some other important words Andrew Karnage left with me at many times. "Drop him on his neck and see how he feels after that. Probably like shit, but I hope you're happy about it." Sage words from a master of his craft, Kevin. Very useful, too. Because the only way I could disrespect this business worse than Phillip Blauer has, is if I end up getting retired by him! And that doesn't work for me, brother.
{Kilroy nods to Kevin, picks up his bag, and walks out of shot.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Kilroy! A moment, please. Are you ready to fight tonight, knowing it could be the last time?
{Kilroy abruptly stops and turns and walks over to Kevin, who takes a couple steps back in worry. Kilroy sets his bag down and tries to give a serious glare. But he can't help himself and looks away, rubbing his chin in thought. He finally leans toward the microphone.}
Kilroy Evans: You know something, K-Val, Phil had a lot of words at the ready to paint a picture of me. But that picture's like the thinking paths in his brain: incomplete. There's been a lot of stuff said about me over the years, but the words that've stuck with me the hardest are some from one of my first times officially working for Hardkore World.
{Kevin looks distracted as Kilroy waits for him to follow up.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Oh! So what were---
Kilroy Evans: I remember watching my match from that night. Nervous, worried about fitting in. But the crowd didn't hate me and Guillermo O'Bannon said something about me that hit straight to my soul.
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: The thing he s---
Kilroy Evans: One simple, beautiful sentence!"Kilroy Evans, you can always count on him to give one of, if not the best match on the card." Kevin, I was given the best compliment and mission statement someone like me could've ever hoped for! Whatever Guillermo saw in me to say that, that thing I don't know if I could ever pinpoint in myself, those words have carried me forward all these years and still do to this day!
{Kevin goes to say something but hesitates, watching Kilroy. He stares back, raising an eyebrow.}
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: It sounds like those words resonated with you more than anything Phillip Blauer has ever said.
Kilroy Evans: I keep those words in my head and my heart every time I step into the ring. Those words have made miracles happen! And I'm really gonna lean on them the hardest I ever have tonight, when I go out there against Blauer and spin straw into gold.
Kevin Valentine, Jr.: Will it really be enough to overcome what you're up against, though?
{Kilroy leans in dangerously close to Kevin.}
Kilroy Evans: Well, hopefully those words and decades of experience should help me scrape by. If that doesn't work out, though, I'll fall back on some other important words Andrew Karnage left with me at many times. "Drop him on his neck and see how he feels after that. Probably like shit, but I hope you're happy about it." Sage words from a master of his craft, Kevin. Very useful, too. Because the only way I could disrespect this business worse than Phillip Blauer has, is if I end up getting retired by him! And that doesn't work for me, brother.
{Kilroy nods to Kevin, picks up his bag, and walks out of shot.}
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is the Wisconsin Chain Match between “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan and Roscoe Law.
Phillip Blauer: What in the Sam Hill is a Wisconsin Chain Match?? As his generous benefactor, it behooved me to look it up on AskJeeves and not one result came up. Well, there was one video but it…the accent just made it…(shudders) I don’t want to talk about it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m not sure of the rules, they have yet to be provided by Roscoe Law, but as you know, a Russian Chain match is where you have to touch four corners to win.
Phillip Blauer: Right, but in Wisconsin they would get lost counting half way through, so who knows how many corners that is?
Guillermo O’Bannon: This all started in Phoenix this past March, when Jordan and Bobby Nowa challenged him to a stretcher match at Palm Springs Punishment 2024. Nowa’s heat with Roscoe spilled over into a feud with Anthony Jordan and they had a cage match in Albuquerque which was marred by interference by the man sitting next to me.
Phillip Blauer: (points to Hardkore Timekeeper Randy Valentine Jr.) Tsk Tsk Tsk
Guillermo O’Bannon: At Wargames in Las Vegas, the two of them tore into one another but nothing was solved, something they hope to do tonight.
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and pyro triggers the entrance and “LAW” in red on a black screen as classic Roscoe Law clips play throughout the entrance. Pyro shoots from the floor as Roscoe stands at the top of the stage carrying a canvas sack as he surveys the roaring audience’s reaction
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law with that canvas sack in hand…
Phillip Blauer: With a Wisconsin chain in it, no less.
Guillermo O’Bannon: …ready to have it tear and batter the flesh of the man he has been warring with since March, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan.
Phillip Blauer: Look, the stuff he did with Billy Nowa…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bobby.
Phillip Blauer: …is none of my concern. But Tony is my property now. And if he thinks he’s gonna mark up my merchandise with that crawling-with-tetanus chain, he’s got another thing coming.
Roscoe Law walks down the aisle way, slapping hands with the fans
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is tired of Anthony Jordan slipping away and wants to be chained to him so that…
Phillip Blauer: Seems like an odd thing to want.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So that they can finally wrestle mano y mano.
Phillip Blauer: Ah, so it’s a lucha libre match. Got it. Ole!
Yolanda Ando: Roscoe has short salt and pepper hair and sports a short salt and pepper beard. He wears long black tights with a fat red stripe down each side. His boots are black with “LAW” printed in red on them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Roscoe Law going to be very popular here tonight, he managed The Happy Faces to the Hardkore Britain Tag Team Championships back in January of 2007, when they defeated Bryan Warrior and Psychotic Goth in a TLC Match in Glasgow.
Greg Jin: "The following match is a Wisconsin Chain Match! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, from Green Bay, Wisconsin; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 248 pounds...ROSCOE LAW!!!"
Roscoe Law gets the loudest pop of the night so far
“The Best" by Tina Turner plays and The OA Arena boos. “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan walks out from behind the curtain and stops to survey the hostile Manchester crowd
Phillip Blauer: There he is! My One Man Torture Chamber, my shooter, the man that classes up the Philthy Rich, “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan also pondered what a Wisconsin Chain match is, preferring to have a standard match which is much more in his wheelhouse.
Phillip Blauer: The man is a 20 year veteran, and former USCW, BWA, CWA, and AWA World Champion. Does Andy Reid walk into a game and not know if it’s going to snow? What the devil a Wisconsin Chain Match is, is vital information, being kept from him in hopes that it will cause him to slip on a banana peel and give Roscoe some way to win. But it’s not going to happen, because whatever a Wisconsin Chain match is, it doesn’t make up for the fact that Anthony Jordan is 10 times the wrestler that Roscoe Law is.
Anthony Jordan both slowly walk to the ring. He gives his goofy grin and drinks in the boos from some fans wearing Happy Face masks and smiles at a sign that says “RIP: Jordan, Cause Of Death: Wisconsin Chain”
Phillip Blauer: That’s a threat! Larry! Seize him!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. nods and wades out into the audience to try and catch the fan with the sign.
Phillip Blauer: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan has already beaten Roscoe in a cage…
Guillermo O’Bannon: With a chain.
Phillip Blauer: And in the Wargames match…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Which is not a one on one match.
Phillip Blauer: So what does he have to gain?
Yolanda Ando: Anthony Jordan wears black and yellow long tights with black boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. What he has to gain, is decisively defeating one of the sport’s legends in his own style of match.
Anthony Jordan gets to the ring and plays to the jeering fans before getting into his corner.
Greg Jin: “His opponent is from the Mississippi Gulf Coast; Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 200 pounds…’THE ROLE MODEL’ ANTHONY JORDAN!!!”
The OA Arena boos
Kelly O’Connell motions for Roscoe to attach the chain to his wrist, but Roscoe shakes his head
Phillip Blauer: You see? I knew it, he’s a coward!
Roscoe Law picks up his canvas sack and walks up to the announce table right in front of Phil. He asks for a mic and Greg Jin hands him one
Roscoe Law: “Before we get started… Phil, you are a complete and utter shitbag.”
Phillip Blauer: (sputters) Wha-wha-...why you…
A small chant of “Shitbag! Shitbag! Shitbag!” gets started around the OA Arena
Roscoe Law: “But I WILL say this… you are THE best color man Hardkore World has and ever will have and I respect that.”
Phillip Blauer: Flattery will get you nowhere…but go on. Please?
Roscoe Law: “In fact, I had a couple of guys come to me and they want to learn about commentating but they don’t have any practical experience and don’t know where to start. So I took the liberty of talking to Jonnie and he said it would be OK if they job shadowed you both during my match tonight.”
Phillip Blauer: This is highly irregular…interns have to go through a rigorous vetting process that mostly involves getting Jonnie’s lunch order correct…
Roscoe Law: “Please welcome… the two-time Hardkore Britain Tag Team Champions… Happy Jack & Happy Sam… The Happy Faces!”
“Put on a Happy Face” by Tony Bennett rings throughout the arena as a giant smiley face lights up the screen. The Happy Faces appear from the back in their yellow, smiley face-adorned golf cart and are wearing their yellow body suits with yellow, smiley face masks. They wave happily to the fans as they ride to the ring and clumsily park the golf cart. They walk behind the announce desk and Happy Jack sits between Guillermo and Phil while Happy Sam sits on the other side of Phil. They go to put their headsets on while Roscoe reaches into the canvas sack.
Roscoe Law: “One more thing, Phil… This IS a Wisconsin Chain match. However, I never said who gets the chain.”
Roscoe dumps the contents of the canvas sack on the table… two sets of handcuffs linked by a two-foot-long chain. The Happy Faces quickly handcuff themselves to each of Phil’s wrists.
Phillip Blauer: Now wait a minute, bub. I don’t know what you got in mind, but you got the wrong guy…
Roscoe Law: (leans across the table) “Got these directly from Taycheedah Correctional Institution. They’ve held a lot of slimeballs in their day so they should fit you perfectly. (Roscoe gives a couple of playful slaps to Phil’s cheek and turns to the ring.) “As for you, Jordan… you’re so worried about what a Wisconsin Chain Match is. Well, I’ve had enough of chains and cages and stretchers over the last few months. Let’s fuckin’ go.”
Wisconsin Chain Match
Roscoe Law vs. "The Role Model" Anthony Jordan
Roscoe gets in the ring, and Kelly O’Connell signals for the bell
Phillip Blauer: Wait, no…woah, woah, woah…
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, I for one, extend a big welcome to The Happy Faces, Happy Jack and Happy Sam!
Happy Jack: (happily) Thank you Mr. O’Bannon and Mr. Blauer! We are very excited to learn about wrestling commentary! Sam… say thank you to Mr. O’Bannon and Mr. Blauer.
Happy Sam: (happily) Thank you for the good seats and thanks in advance for signing my work release forms!
Phillip Blauer: How much to let me go?
Happy Sam: (happily) Silly Mr. Blauer, money doesn’t buy happiness!
Phillip Blauer: Let me at least try?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law and Anthony Jordan lock up, and Jordan goes behind him with a rear waistlock.
Roscoe tries to pry Jordan’s fingers apart, and eventually succeeds, and twists one of Anthony’s arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law gives Jordan’s arm another twist to sweeten the deal. But Anthony tucks his head and tumbles forward, coming up with Roscoe’s arm twisted.
The Manchester fans boo. Jordan wrenches Roscoe’s wrist, making him grimace in pain and bend down from the angle that Anthony has his arm torqued
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe is able to use his height and power advantage to turn it into a top wristlock. He pushes Anthony Jordan backwards, nearly bending him into a bridge.
The crowd cheers as Roscoe Law pushes Anthony Jordan farther and farther back with the wristlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan goes with the momentum and backflips into an armdrag! Anthony Jordan catches him coming with a headlock takedown.
Anthony Jordan holds him on the mat with the side headlock. He grinds the headlock on the mat
Phillip Blauer: Now this is completely unfair, Anthony Jordan trained for a Wisconsin Chain Match, and now the rug has been completely pulled out from his luxuriously slippered feet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You two were complaining that you wanted a standard match, and now you aren’t happy to have one?
Happy Jack: (happily) Just be happy, Mr. Blauer.
Happy Sam: (happily) Like us!
Phillip Blauer: (shudders at the thought)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law is now up to his feet, but Anthony Jordan is still hanging on to that side headlock. Law lifts him up on his shoulder and back suplexes him to the mat!
The fans cheer. Anthony Jordan rolls up to his knees and scoots away from Roscoe Law
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe hits a rising Jordan with a dropkick. He irish whips Anthony into the ropes and hits him with a hip toss.
Happy Sam: (happily) Beell Throw!
Happy Jack: (happily) No, Sam. That is the furthest thing from a Beell Throw. A good Beell Throw is when you toss your opponent up and over, like this…
Happy Jack gets up and motions his arms, almost yanking Phil out of his chair.
Phillip Blauer: Egads!
Happy Sam: (happily) You mean like this?
Happy Sam gets up and similarly motions his arms, both pulling Phil’s arms up
Phillip Blauer: Yowsers!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law irish whips Anthony Jordan into the ropes and catches him with a cross body block!
…ONE!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan ducks a right hand, and gets underneath him with a saito suplex!
The air goes out of the Manchester crowd. Anthony Jordan pulls Roscoe Law up by the hair and scoops him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan drops him on his knee with a backbreaker.
Phillip Blauer: His back has gotta be broken!!
Happy Jack: (happily) Wow, that was loud in our headphones.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Yeah, you have to lower his volume or you won’t make it through the night.
Roscoe Law gets on his hands and knees as Anthony Jordan steps up to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan jumps off with an elbow drop to the middle of his spine!
The audience jeers and Roscoe clutches his back in pain. Anthony Jordan pulls him up and goes for a suplex but Law blocks it with his calf
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law counters with a textbook suplex, then follows it up with a handstand into a knee drive to the throat.
Jordan rolls over on his stomach, clutching his throat and coughing. Roscoe Law grabs his foot and applies an anklelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe with an anklelock! He stands over him, twisting Jordan’s foot, trying to injure his ankle.
The OA Arena cheers. Kelly O’Connell checks in to see if Anthony Jordan wants to give up, but he shakes his head. The audience starts singing to the tune of “Country Roads” by John Denver
Take me home, Roscoe Law
To the place, I belong
To Old Trafford, to see United
Take me home, Roscoe Law
Take me home, Roscoe Law
To the place, I belong
To Old Trafford, to see United
Take me home, Roscoe Law
Happy Jack: (happily) You may not know this but a number of years ago, Sam and I wrestled on this side of the pond quite extensively. In fact, Roscoe mentioned that we were fortunate enough to win the Hardkore Britain Tag Team belts. That was in Scotland and Sheffield!
Phillip Blauer: Nobody cares.
Happy Sam: (happily) I used mine as a “chooter cooter board” and ate my snacks off of it!
Happy Jack: (happily) It’s “charcuterie”. And I remember. It took forever to get the Cheez Whiz out of the crevices.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law wraps his legs around Jordan’s thigh and drops down into an on the mat version of the anklelock!
Roscoe Law rolls around to not allow Anthony Jordan the chance to grab the ropes. Jordan reaches out but he’s too far away
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan finally rolls onto his back and kicks Roscoe off of him to free himself of the anklelock. He grabs onto Roscoe’s foot, and starts elbowing Law’s knee.
Phillip Blauer: The more this turns into hand to hand combat, the more it favors The Role Model.
Guillermo O’Bannon: More elbows to the knee, making Roscoe sit up in pain.
Anthony Jordan pulls him up by the hair, and traps both of his arms
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan with a double arm trap suplex!
Roscoe Law pulls himself up by the ropes. Anthony Jordan measures him as he gets up
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan chop blocks Roscoe Law’s knee out from under him!
Roscoe holds his knee in pain and cries out. Anthony Jordan pulls him up once again and hooks his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan gives him a shinbreaker atomic drop! He lifts him up and gives him a second one!
Roscoe tries to put some weight on his affected leg, and then collapses. Jordan runs towards the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law catches Anthony Jordan at full speed ahead, and hotshots his throat on the top rope!
Anthony Jordan backpedals right into Roscoe, who grabs him in an inverted facelock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Law drops down into a reverse DDT!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law wraps their legs together and applies a leg slicer! He pushes down his own calf, to put the pressure on Anthony’s knee and calf.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Anthony Jordan continues to refuse to give up. Anthony Jordan reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe pulls down on Jordan’s foot, trying to hyperextend the knee.
Happy Sam: (happily) I need to use the potty! Where is it?
Happy Jack: (happily) Sam! You should have went earlier. We’re supposed to be calling this match right now.
Happy Sam: (happily) Never mind! It’s over there!
Sam motions offscreen with his handcuffed arm, violently jerking Phil to one side.
Phillip Blauer: Watch it, you clod!
Guillermo O’Bannon: I gotta say, I love Wisconsin Chain Matches so far.
Happy Jack: (happily stern) Sam… if you’re not going to call the match properly, sit quietly and find something else to do.
Happy Sam: (happily pouts) Fine.
Sam pulls a small rag and bottle out of his tights and uses the bottle’s contents to clean the chain of his handcuffs. Inside the ring, Anthony Jordan has rolled to the side and reaches out for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan grabs hold of the bottom rope, and Kelly O’Connell forces Roscoe to break the leg slicer.
Jordan pulls himself up by the ropes, as Roscoe Law kicks him in the back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan catches one of his kicks and gives him a slow motion dragon screw.
Roscoe holds his knee in pain. The audience boos. Anthony Jordan comes over and hits Law’s kneecap with a few more elbows. He holds Roscoe’s legs spread eagle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan knee drops the side of Roscoe’s knee!
Roscoe howls in pain, clutching his knee and rolling to the side. Law stomps his toes into the mat from the severe discomfort. Jordan picks him up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan catches Roscoe on the way back with a belly to belly suplex!
Anthony Jordan pulls Roscoe up into an inverted facelock, and then swings into an eye of the hurricane
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan Twist!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Roscoe Law kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan grabs Roscoe’s leg and turns around into a spinning toe hold! He twists that foot towards Law’s body, trying to pop his knee out of place.
The AO Arena boos. Kelly O’Connell repeatedly asks Roscoe Law if he wants to give it up, but he keeps refusing
Happy Sam: (happily) Step over toe hold!
Happy Jack: (happily) That is not even close to a step over toe hold, friend of friends. You have to reach down and grab the leg like this…
Happy Jack reaches down to the floor with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil to the side
Phillip Blauer: Cheese and crackers!
Happy Sam: (happily) But I thought you had to lift the foot, like this…
Happy Sam reaches up with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil in the opposite direction
Phillip Blauer: Oh God, why??
Happy Jack: (happily) Yes, but you need to grab the foot first…
Happy Jack reaches down again with his handcuffed arm, jerking Phil towards him.
Phillip Blauer: My microphone holding arm!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan gives Roscoe Law’s leg another turn with that spinning toe hold!
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Roscoe Law tells her he won’t give up. Jordan leans down, to put Roscoe’s knee in an awkward position
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law pulls Jordan’s head towards him and smashes him with a couple of right hands to free himself from the spinning toe hold.
Roscoe Law gets up limping a little. He kicks Jordan in the stomach, and then pulls Anthony’s head into his legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe powerbombs him, holds onto his legs, and then leg drops him in the groin!
Phillip Blauer: Real nice.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He gets up, maintaining the legs, and gives his own spinning toe hold, falling back into a figure four leglock!
The Manchester crowd roars as Anthony Jordan sits up from the pain. Roscoe clamps down on Jordan’s twisted legs, trying to break his leg
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Role Model” Anthony Jordan unsuccessfully tries to unlace their legs, but Roscoe just tightens the figure four!
Kelly O’Connell crouches over them, asking Jordan if he wants to submit. Jordan shakes his head, and tries to turn over
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jordan finally turns over, putting the pressure on Roscoe’s knees!
The audience jeers as O’Connell now asks Roscoe if he wants to give up. Roscoe releases the figure four and both men scoot away from one another
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe pulls himself up by the ropes, but Anthony Jordan clips his knee out from under him!
The boos get louder as Roscoe is on his stomach, holding his knee. Anthony Jordan hobbles over and applies a headscissors then reaches back and pulls Roscoe's bad leg back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Vainglorious! Anthony Jordan pulls the heel of Roscoe’s foot towards his head, turning him into a pretzel.
Kelly O’Connell keeps asking, but gets pained refusals from Roscoe Law. Anthony Jordan rolls them to the side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe is now on the mat in the Vainglorious. Jordan keeping his head in that vicelike grip with the leg scissors, while continuing to wrench that leg back.
Roscoe Law rolls over and grabs the bottom rope. The crowd cheers as Kelly O’Connell taps Anthony Jordan on the shoulder to release the Vainglorious
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan releases the Vainglorious but just reapplies the spinning toe hold!
The fans groan. Roscoe Law screams in pain as Jordan gives it a second twist. Anthony gives him a third twist, making Roscoe sit up and fall back down in anguish
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell checking in to see if he wants to give it up, but Roscoe grabs his head and pulls him down into an inside cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Anthony Jordan kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anthony Jordan gets up and takes a swing at Roscoe Law but Roscoe ducks and atomic drops him, then superkicks the back of his head!
Anthony Jordan falls face first onto the second rope, facing the audience
Happy Jack: (happily looks at Sam) Sam, what are you doing over there?
Happy Sam: (happily polishing away) You told me to be quiet and find something else to do so I’m cleaning these handcuffs. They have prisoner schmutz all over them.
Happy Jack: (happily concerned) And what is in that bottle?
Happy Sam: (happily) Acid!
Happy Jack: (happily horrified) Acid!? You can’t use acid! That’s dangerous!
Happy Sam: (happily) But look at these handcuffs. (Sam stands up holding the end of the handcuffs, clearly uncuffed.) How do I return them to a mirror-like finish?
Greg Jin: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining!”
Happy Jack: (happily stern) Sam, you are supposed to be wearing that! Put that back on! But first, get rid of that acid!
Happy Sam: (happily backs towards the ring with his back to it.) OK, but I don’t know what the hub-bub is all about…
Happy Sam shrugs right in front of Jordan who’s draped over the ropes and the liquid splashes out of the bottle and in Jordan’s face
Happy Jack: (happily gasps) Oh dear!
Phillip Blauer: What did you spray him with, you monster??
Happy Sam: (happily turns around to see Jordan holding his hands over his face and writhing on the mat.) Oopsie! (looks at everyone’s reaction) What? It’s lemon juice. It’s got citric acid in it and it cleans great. Doesn’t anyone look at Pinterest anymore?
Roscoe Law pulls Jordan up into an inverted facelock, then lifts him up into a reverse suplex, ricochets Anthony’s legs off the top rope to get him vertical for a brainbuster
Guillermo O’Bannon: Badger Spike!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“I Fought the Law” by The Clash plays and the audience jumps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: That was blatant interference! Unhook me from these clowns so that I may pout!
Greg Jin: “At 28 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…ROSCOE LAW!!!”
Roscoe Law raises his arms in triumph as Hardkore Ring Crew Donnie Valentine Jr. unhooks the handcuffs that bind Phil to the Happy Faces
Guillermo O’Bannon: Roscoe Law scores a victory in this inaugural Wisconsin Chain Match…
Phillip Blauer: Oh, like that’s a thing. He just chained me to weirdos and sprayed a 4 time World Champion in the eyes with lemons!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nevertheless, Roscoe undefeated in Wisconsin Chain Matches, our Second Generation Stretcher Match is coming up!
Simon Cruise hobbles out onto the ramp on crutches, his left leg in a heavy cast. This was going to be a primo summer for surfing... which is really hard on one leg. Simon Cruise believes in letting bygones be bygones - he's mellow like a very ZEN heavy stoner - but for all the good vibrations? Simon really HOPES that Dan Stein straight up MURDERS Captain Righteous. The crowd roar their approval at this appearance... only to get uncomfortable. Cruise not looking fit to wrestle, must be there for a Catching the Wave interview segment. Only... those segments ALWAYS end in someone being horribly injured. There also seems to be a threshing machine that has been placed just off the side of the entrance ramp - some farmers must have had a hard time finding parking. They even left it running. Knowing how dangerous the segment is, the crowds' respective hearts are in their throats as Cruise awkwardly hobbles around the edge over the device.
Simon Cruise: You get thrown from your board, you get RIGHT BACK ON! So despite Righteous' best efforts - this is CATCHING THE WAVE!
CATCHING THE WAVE
with Simon Cruise
Featuring F.C. Belt
Simon Cruise: Please welcome my guest at this time.........
The curtains are pulled open as an object is thrown through them.
Simon Cruise: A replica of the Heavyweight title!
The fake belt flies through the air, right past Cruise, falling into the thresher! Scraps of plastic, tinfoil, and copper are spit out of the machine.
Simon Cruise: .........WHOA, it seems that another guest has fallen prey to the show's curse! HEAVY. Well, now that the saboteur has been satiated, maybe the dude will let us go on in peace for the rest of the night? So I'd like to welcome a second guest, Florida Man's lawyer.
Gazoo the green painted dwarf makes his way out - teases stumbling off the stage into the thresher, then stops himself.
Simon Cruise: Bro, the floor is yours.
Gazoo: Thank you for this opportunity, Mister Cruise. Good evening Hardkore World. or those not familiar with me, my name is Gazoo, and I am Florida Man's legal counsel. As all of you are aware, Flo is currently being held on suspicion of murder. Evidence tying him to the murder of Dorthy Blauer is circumstantial at best, and for anyone who follows HKW programming will know that Florida Man is merely a patsy for an unnamed member of the announce position-
Phil Blauer: Guillermo, how could you?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He's clearly talking about you framing Florida Man for killing your wife, Phil.
Phil Blauer: Well..... that's a stretch.
Gazoo: Though the case if flimsy, the FRAME JOB is TOP NOTCH, and I fear it is only a matter of time before Flo is on death row. How do we stop this miscarriage of justice? The best defence team that money can buy! I'm doing my best for Flo, but there is only so much a semi-nude green painted out of state paralegal can do. No, to save Flo's life we NEED the DREAM TEAM-
Simon Cruise:Bailey, Blasier, Shapiro, Dershowitz, and Kardashian........ that list is reading more like a morgue.
Gazoo: Nah, the REAL Dream Team-
Simon Cruise: Keaton, Lloyd, Boyle, and Furst?
Gazoo: Exactly! I've started a kickstarter... but have only raised enough for Valentine and Beefcake.
Simon Cruise: Heavy.
Gazoo: Exactly, we might as well have them throw the switch! The Kickstarter contributions are appreciated, but we need real money to save Florida Man's life. Which is why... I've come here tonight to ask Kilroy Evans to help.
Simon Cruise: ....Then you'd better hope that bro smokes as much as me, and has a worse memory, because I'm pretty sure the only dudes he hates more than your client are Phil and Donovan-
Gazoo (looking into the camera for a close-up): Kilroy. When you finally get around to watching the TV taping in which Flo was arrested, you'll probably laugh at his misfortune. You have every right to... Flo gave you plenty of reasons to hate his guts. ....But we aren't talking about losing a wrestling match, or having a lover's quarrel over tag partners... this is a CAPITAL CRIME that an innocent man is going to lose his life over. FRAMED. The Kilroy Evans that I've come to respect wouldn't let that stand... turning a blind eye? That's more of a Marty Donovan move. So tonight, when you win Phil's fortune - LIKE ALL OF THE HARDKORE WORLD FAITHFUL know you will.... and your looking for charities to donate too? Think about putting a little of it, not much, to the Florida Man Legal Defence Fund. ...Because if Flo goes down for Dorthy Blauer... and Phil gets away with it? Even if you have the money, Phil wins.
Nodding at the camera in understanding, Gazoo walks away from the edge... somehow avoiding the thresher.
Simon Cruise: Oh my god, it worked!
No real guest hurt? Simon is considering this a win. He needed it.
Simon Cruise: Kilroy still has to overcome Philty Rich, but you heard it here first-
"DRIFT!"
HKW's ring crew impressario and resident therapist thanks to the E-University of Honolulu, Donnie Valentine, comes out of the back with a piece of flooring that he's gussied up to look like Robinson. Unable to deal with the loss of his best friend, Donnie has fashioned a grotesque replacement.
Donnie Valentine: I knew something was weird about that robot Robinson! He was an imposter, I have the real one here-
Simon Cruise: Donnie, we have to talk-
Tripping, Donnie drops his fake Robinson, which falls into the thresher.
Donnie Valentine: Not again-
Simon Cruise (pointing a crutch at the wood chips being thrown at the audience): That wasn't an official guest!
As Donnie laments his latest loss, the farmers return to their thresher, having found more suitable parking.
Fade up on a folded stretcher with the legs folded in, lying on the apron under the ropes. Transition to Guillermo and Phil at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up is our second generation stretcher match! It all started back in May, when at John “Catman” Wilder’s lifetime achievement award, Alexander Von Blankenship rudely interrupted the ceremony, spitting on John, and slapping his son, Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder. At Coachella…
Phillip Blauer: You’re telling me he played Coachella?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, but during his match at Coachella, Alexander Von Blankenship challenged him and they almost fought then and there, had it not been the cooler heads of John Wilder and his brother Joey. In Albuquerque, Syrus Wilder distracted Alexander Von Blankenship long enough for Tuxedo Mask to win the Hardkore California Championship. In Las Vegas, those two tore into one another in the WarGames match, but nothing was quite settled. Tonight, they finally get their hands on one another in a stretcher match!
“C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays and the Manchester crowd cheers loudly. Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder walks out rubbing his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: After all the insults and name calling, Syrus Wilder is finally getting the chance to hurt Von Blankenship’s so bad, he’ll be carried out of here.
Phillip Blauer: Look, this is a tough business. No one knows that better than I. I usually have to pay for my own facial scrub cleanser. There’s never any in the locker room. He can’t maim everyone that puts him down.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He spit on his father, Phil
Phillip Blauer: I still maintain it was cold and flu season, and it was an errant sneeze. Who can even remember that far back?
The crowd on the aisles crane forward over the guardrail to try and pat Syrus Wilder as he walks by them
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder got into wrestling to honor his father by taking on Alexander Von Blankenship after what he did in that convention room in Palm Springs. Tonight he gets that chance in front of the over 20,000 people here in Manchester, England.
Wilder walks around ringside, slapping hands with the fans in the front row, especially the children
Phillip Blauer: Why must he delay and stall so much by insisting on hugging kids and kissing babies?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s showing his appreciation to the people that really built this company.
Phillip Blauer: Nonsense. If you’re going to do that, go up to the sky boxes. Thank the arena owner’s son-in-law that’s back there waiting for someone he recognizes, like Stone Cold or least Cena to show up. Those are the real people that keep this territory afloat. That’s who he should hug.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I’m sure he would hug them both.
Phillip Blauer: Now he’s hugging them both?? Ugh, this is going to take forever.
Syrus Wilder steps through the ropes and does a locomotion shimmy to the roaring fans
Yolanda Ando: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder wears blue dungaree coveralls. He has a Save The Children International to highlight their mission to inspire breakthroughs in the way the world treats children and to achieve immediate and lasting change in their lives. He also has an oval patch above left chest pocket with “SW” with a blue denim engineer’s cap.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus thinks people like AVB give second generation stars a bad name, and he’s ready to give him his comeuppance.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Second Generation Stretcher Match. The match will not end until someone is carried out on a stretcher. Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, he Hails From The Rails; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 325 pounds; His Daddy Was A Pistol, So He’s A Son Of A Gun…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
Syrus Wilder gets a tremendous ovation from the Manchester audience
The AO Arena boos as "Blessed Up" by Wande plays
I've been blessed up (geez)
I've been broke down (oh yeah)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now (okay)
Running faster (oh yeah)
I can't slow down (oh no)
Gotta catch up (yeah)
Gotta shine now
AVB steps from behind the curtain, a cocky smirk on his smug face. Hasbulla follows behind, blowing his whistle. Von Blankenship holds his arms out, soaking in all of his own glory, before mouthing the words "Always Very Blessed" as he points to the smug look on his own face
Phillip Blauer: Fresh from hobnobbing with former presidents and viral royalty, Alexander Von Blankenship comes to England to rid Hardkore World of the dark scourge of nepotism in this business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: His father is Rat Bastard.
Phillip Blauer: Oh him? He’s fine. I mean the others.
Ayy, I got the moves
Bearing that fruit and now I got the juice (juice!)
God has been cooking, now I got the soup
Put this together, yo, really
He clever, I cannot do better
Alexander Von Blankenship looks out at the crowd, his smirk is now a scowl. AVB motions for Hasbulla to go first, and then Von Blankenship follows behind, slowly walking towards the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship started all this nonsense, no he has to answer for his insults.
Phillip Blauer: What about Wilder? He called him a plague, a leech, and whatever a carrion is. You don’t think Alex has feelings? He’s Dutch for Pete’s sake!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, technically Morgan Freeman called him all those things.
Phillip Blauer: That hack. He’d read the instructions to a Pop Tart if you flashed enough green.
Von Blankenship points to random fans, stating loudly "I'm better than you" as he goes by fans holding up signs like “Rat Boy”, “AVB Has A Train Ticket To The Hospital”, “Always Very Bloody” in AVB’s logo, and “AVB is Rubbish”. Hasbulla smacks away the fans that try to touch him. A beer cup gets tossed in their direction but mostly hits Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr.
Phillip Blauer: Heads up, Larry! Someone get him a towel. And possibly some burn cream from how warm that beer probably was.
Alexander Von Blankenship walks up the steps to the ring, stopping before he gets into the ring. He gives the ring the sign of the cross before stepping inside.
Yolanda Ando: AVB is wearing his special PPV gear of white satin boxing trunks, trimmed in dark blue, with “Blessed” written across the waist band.
Greg Jin: "And his opponent, accompanied to the ring by Hasbulla; He hails from Amsterdam, in the Netherlands; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 215 pounds; He is brought to you by Liquid Death, who tells you to ‘Murder Your Thirst’. He is The Duivel Of Amsterdam, The Nuisance from the Netherlands; Always Very Blessed;…ALEXANDER VON BLANKENSHIP…AVB!!”
The AO Arena rocks with jeers and heckling as Hasbulla blows his whistle over and over
Second Generation Stretcher Match
Alexander Von Blankenship vs. Syrus “The Steamwhistle” Wilder
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell and Alexander Von Blankenship cockily walks over to meet Syrus Wilder in the center of the ring. Wilder has a few choice words for him while AVB smirks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship spits in Wilder’s face!!
Phillip Blauer: Just like he did to his father in Palm Springs!
Wilder reaches over to rip AVB’s face off, but Von Blankenship bails out to the floor. The fans boo as Hasbulla triumphantly blows his whistle on the floor. The fans all lurch towards him whenever he gets near the railing
Guillermo O’Bannon: Just disgusting.
Phillip Blauer: These are mind games he’s playing, but it’s like playing chess with a toddler.
Tommy Milligan and Syrus Wilder demand Alexander Von Blankenship get back in the ring, but he waves them both off. The fans chant “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!” Von Blankenship makes an obscene gesture towards some rowdy fans and the boos get louder
Guillermo O’Bannon: He just gets worse. We have children watching you know.
Phillip Blauer: Whoever lets their kid stay up late enough to watch us deserves to have their kid corrupted by AVB.
Alexander Von Blankenship back up on the apron, and Wilder tries to collect him but Tommy Milligan gets in between them to allow Von Blankenship to enter on his own
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship gets in between them and gives Wilder a slap across the face!
The boos are deafening as AVB drops to the floor as Tommy Milligan prevents him from going after him. Hasbulla jumps around ringside, blowing on his whistle
Phillip Blauer: Von Blankenship just giving Wilder the slap his father should have done, but no, he was too busy making towns.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder coming unglued, and rightfully so, as Alexander Von Blankenship continues to avoid wrestling him.
Phillip Blauer: All in good time. AVB isn’t a Whopper, he’s a Wagyu steak.
The fans continue to boo Alexander Von Blankenship as he demands that Tommy Milligan hold Syrus Wilder back before he’ll even think of entering the ring. Hasbulla blows his whistle in protest Wilder has to be talked into it, but finally obliges and backs off. Von Blankenship cautiously gets up to his knees on the apron, then finally stands up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder gets tired of waiting and comes over to AVB on the apron, but Von Blankenship pokes him in the eye! He gets in the ring and stomps on Wilder’s foot.
Syrus Wilder hops on one foot until he goes over to the ropes to gain his balance. Alexander Von Blankenship kicks him in the back of the knee
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship with another kick to the side of Wilder’s knee.
Phillip Blauer: The former Hardkore California Champion wisely trying to take out the 300 pounder’s wheels early in this Second Generation Stretcher Match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB twists Wilder’s arm and smashes him in the shoulder with a forearm. He gives him a stiff kick to the back.
Syrus Wilder arches his back in pain, and then looks back at Alexander Von Blankenship. AVB looks concerned and hits Wilder in the chest with a chop
Phillip Blauer: Von Blankenship with another hard chop to that massive chest of Wilder’s!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder hits back with a chop of his own!
Von Blankenship whacks Wilder with another knife edge chop, but Syrus answers with a hard chop to AVB’s pectorals. He delivers a double temple chop that stuns Alexander
Guillermo O’Bannon: Detroit Chop! He kicks Von Blankenship in the stomach and takes him over into a snap mare. He irish whips him into the ropes and catches him with a bodyslam.
Syrus Wilder measures Von Blankenship and gives him a fistdrop right between the eyes. AVB sits up, holding his face
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder pulls him up with a headbutt, and then a left hook. He smashes him with elbow after elbow!
The crowd cheers as Wilder beats Von Blankenship up with elbows. Hasbulla blows his whistle in panic. Syrus Wilder then gives his arm a twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder gives Alexander Von Blankenship’s arm another painful twist.
Alexander Von Blankenship runs in place in pain, while Wilder threatens to break it off with a third twist
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship reaches over with his free arm and rakes his fingernails across Wilder’s eyes out of desperation!
Phillip Blauer: I call it smart.
The cheers turn to jeers. Von Blankenship hits Wilder in the back with a double ax handle, and a couple of forearms. He then backs up a few steps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship kicks Wilder between the legs, right in the balls!
Phillip Blauer: You can say balls, but AVB can’t make a gesture?
The AO Arena rains boos down on Alexander Von Blankenship as he welcomes their hatred. Hasbulla blows his whistle in celebration
Guillermo O’Bannon: Von Blankenship grabs him in a front facelock and twists to the side with a swinging neckbreaker!
Syrus Wilder sits up, clutching the back of his neck. Alexander Von Blankenship comes over and stomps and kicks him on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB gets on top of him, and starts bludgeoning him with punches!
The jeers get louder until Tommy Milligan pulls Von Blankenship off of him. An angry Von Blankenship kicks the ropes in the direction of the crowd. The crowd chants “RAT BOY! RAT BOY! RAT BOY!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder gets up and goes for a high kick, but Von Blankenship catches his leg and takes him down into a dragon screw leg whip.
Wilder clutches his knee as Alexander Von Blankenship pulls him up by the hair. Syrus hobbles to his feet, and then AVB irish whips him into the ropes. But Wilder comes back with a diving headbutt to Alexander’s stomach
Guillermo O’Bannon: Railroad Spike!
The crowd comes to life as Von Blankenship holds his stomach. Hasbulla blows his whistle, troubled by this new development. Syrus Wilder hits Alexander Von Blankenship with a flurry of stomps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Piston Stomp! Wilder bounces off the ropes and hits Von Blankenship in the forehead with a Norfolk knee drop!
Phillip Blauer: I’m totally lost, the Norfolk knee drop, the Detroit chop, where is this guy from?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s from the rails, Phil. He scoops Von Blankenship up and drops him across his knee with the Caboose backbreaker,
The audience cheers as Alexander Von Blankenship gingerly stands back up. Syrus Wilder runs and kicks Von Blankenship in the groin so hard it lifts him off his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Mind The Gap!
Phillip Blauer: Never mind the gap, what about a disqualification??
Hasbulla blows his whistle at Tommy Milligan in protest about the low blow
Guillermo O’Bannon: Turnabout is fair play after what AVB pulled earlier in this match. And now Syrus Wilder lifts him up on his shoulder with the Boilermaker belly to back suplex!
Syrus Wilder scoops Alexander Von Blankenship up on his shoulder and then drills his skull into the mat with a tombstone
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coal Shovel!!
Alexander Von Blankenship sprawls out and Wilder calls Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his medical team over with their stretcher
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder calling for the stretcher!
Phillip Blauer: No! Just like that? It can’t be!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team trying to load Alexander Von Blankenship onto that stretcher.
Phillip Blauer: I may need to Pulp Fiction him in the chest with an adrenaline needle.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Please don’t. But there may be no need. AVB showing some resistance to being taken away on the stretcher, and David Valentine Jr. signaling that the match must continue.
Phillip Blauer: Saved by the Dave!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus “The Steam Whistle” Wilder gives him the Derailment snap mare.
Phillip Blauer: He named his snap mare?!? But I’m The Master of the Snap Mare!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Take it up with him, Phil. Wilder now climbing to the top turnbuckle and jumps off with a flying elbow, but Alexander Von Blankenship rolls out of the way!!
The air goes out of the AO Arena, replaced with jeers and heckling for AVB. Hasbulla blows on his whistle triumphantly. Von Blankenship waits for Wilder to get up, clutching his arm, and then catches him upside the head with a superkick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ordained!! But Syrus Wilder doesn’t go down!
Phillip Blauer: What?!
Syrus Wilder teeters on spaghetti legs, so Alexander Von Blankenship dips into his trunks and pulls out a small chain
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship has that small chain!
Phillip Blauer: He does? Oh, my monitor is out. I gotta put in a ticket for Hardkore Engineer Rocky Valentine Jr.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, it isn’t…oh, I’ll be damned, it is.
AVB gets a running start and clocks him with his superman punch with the chain around his fist
Guillermo O’Bannon: He hits him with the Baptism with that chain, causing Wilder to go down like a redwood!
Phillip Blauer: See? That did the trick.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship now calling for the stretcher!
Phillip Blauer: Haul him off! Get the caboose!
Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. and his team start stabilizing Syrus Wilder on the gurney. Alexander Von Blankenship jumps on the second rope and bounces on it while the Manchester audience boos him
Guillermo O’Bannon: It looks as though Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr.is about to carry Syrus Wilder off but Alexander Von Blankenship walks over to him…oh he’s going to spit on him again!
AVB crouches over Syrus Wilder, but before he can spit on him, Wilder reaches up and grabs him with his iron claw! The crowd erupts and leaps to their feet
Phillip Blauer: No!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syrus Wilder has the claw on Alexander Von Blankenship! He sits up off of the stretcher holding on to that claw!
AVB goes down on one knee as Wilder pushes down on his head. Hasbulla blows his whistle, trying to urge Von Blankenship to hold on
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wilder now forcing AVB onto that stretcher with his iron claw!
Phillip Blauer: No! No, no, no…
Guillermo O’Bannon: AVB is out as Wilder squeezing his temples, trying to crush his skull with that massive hand!
David Valentine Jr. starts to carry off Alexander Von Blankenship on the stretcher with his team of medics
Guillermo O’Bannon: Alexander Von Blankenship being carried off on that stretcher and this match is over!
The fans roar as Tommy Milligan signals for the bell. “C’mon ‘n Ride It (The Train)” by Quad City DJs plays
Greg Jin: “At 18 minutes 20 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…SYRUS ‘THE STEAM WHISTLE’ WILDER!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Someone has rolled into the ring, and is attacking Wilder!
The audience boos as the man front facelocks Wilder and drives his head into the mat with a DDT
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s Rat Bastard!
Phillip Blauer: What a good father!
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he doing here??
Rat Bastard rolls out of the ring and grabs a chair, the audience boos
Guillermo O’Bannon: What is he going to do with that?
Phillip Blauer: Give him a break, he just saw his only son…that he knows of, put on a stretcher.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He should be on his way to the hospital to see him!
Phillip Blauer: He’ll get there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Bastard jams the top of the chair into Syrus Wilder’s hand!!
Syrus Wilder screams and clutches his hand, rolling around on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s the hand he uses for his iron claw!
Phillip Blauer: Back up the stretcher! We got another one!
Hardkore Security Larry Valentine Jr. and his team drag Rat Bastard away. Wilder grimaces in pain as David Valentine Jr. tries to look at his hand
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rat Bastard living up to his reputation with a cheap shot on one of Hardkore World’s young lions.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, Syrus’ pop is welcome to try something himself.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know if the legendary Catman would lower himself.
Phillip Blauer: To kill a rat?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fans, our country whipping match is coming up next!
You’ve been to colonial and medieval reenactment parks where you can learn all about history by being right there. But have you ever wanted to experience what every day life was like a little more recently? Well now you can!
Drone shot of a suburban neighborhood from the 1980s ending with a tour group walking through with their tour guide
Tourist #1: Everyone’s smoking?
Tour Guide: That’s right! Everyone smoked back then. All day! All the time!
Tourist #2: Oh this is before they knew it would kill you?
Tour Guide: Nope! Everyone just thought a cure for cancer would be invented in time to save them!
Kid: Lemme take her picture
80’s Teen: Hey! That kid just took my picture with that smallish calculator
Everyone chuckles
Tourist #3: What’s that?
Someone looks around and does a toot of cocaine at a stop light
Tour Guide: That’s cocaine! Everyone did that back then too! Your teachers, your boss, everyone!
80’s Guy: Hey, did you know “In The Air in the Night” is about a murder Phil Collins witnessed? He sent a ticket to the murderer and sang the song to him, and he turned himself in.
80’s Girl: Wow, no way! I can’t wait to tell everyone
Tourist #4: Hey, that’s not true. Why doesn’t he verify it before he spreads misinformation?
Tour Guide: Those were urban legends! There was no way to verify them. You just believed things forever and told 50 people the same story. Now everyone get in line for our big theme park ride. Behold! The 1984 station wagon with no air conditioning but 4 ashtrays and AM radio!
Everyone sighs and gets into the green station wagon with wood paneling
Fade up on Little Dragon, Leonard van Dam, “Rink Rat” Joseph Hart, Kenezu Fujiwara, Johnny Sniper, Sami Ielemia, Scorpion, Johnny B. Obongo, The Martian, “Dirty” Dave Dixon, Dana “The Drone” Daniels, The Sun Spiders, Dr. X, Pork Dirkmeyer, Apisai Paisi, Harvey van Houten, and “The Palm Springs Kid” Billy Striker, Moondog Dook and El Hijo Del Sweet Bone Daddy all surrounding ringside, each armed with a leather strap
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up fans is the Country Whipping Match between Captain Righteous and “The Punisher” Dan Stein. The lumberjacks who surround the ring have all been supplied with a leather strap. If a man falls out of the ring, these men at ringside will whip him with those straps until he re-enters.
Phillip Blauer: Bunch of opportunistic whipper snappers.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In LA back in February, Captain Righteous interfered in Dan Stein’s West Coast title match, then in Ontario, Lady Liberty stole The Peacemaker from Domino. In Phoenix, Stein unsuccessfully tried to take it back during Captain Righteous’ match with Tuxedo Mask. That brought us to Palm Springs Punishment 2024 where they wrestled in a Peacemaker on a Pole match. Towards the end of the match, Domino was kidnapped by Lady Liberty and that distraction allowed Captain Righteous to win. After the match, Righteous reaggravated Stein’s back injury by hitting him repeatedly in the back with the Peacemaker. Under captivity, Domino tried to cost Captain Righteous and Lady Liberty matches in Coachella and Albuquerque, but in Las Vegas, “The Punisher” Dan Stein made his return, rescuing Domino and now tonight in Manchester, he says Righteous has a whipping coming.
Suddenly the AO Arena darkens, and the reassuring tones of Ron Burgundy are heard.
Ron Burgundy: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Hardkore fans of Los Angeles! Can I please have your attention? I have been handed an urgent... and horrifying news story! The Danimal has entered the building!”
The lights abruptly come on again and the crowd erupts. "Seal The Deal" by Volbeat plays as “The Punisher” Dan Stein and his lovely manager Domino make their way to the ring area, Domino smiling and high-fiving the fans while Stein walks to the ring with his sunglasses on and scowl on his face. They walk past signs that say “The Danimal”, and “Dan Is Gonna Whip Your Cape To Shreds”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein appreciates what Captain Righteous did to him at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and says that it gave him time to think about what he wants to do to him here tonight at English Rage in Manchester 2024. That all the surgery and rehab that Righteous caused, just galvanized his hatred and prepared him for tonight’s match.
Phillip Blauer: He can talk as tough as he wants, but the fact remains that Captain Righteous put him out of wrestling and can do it again. He can get as many belt wielding man to help him as he wants, but nothing will prepare him for the awesome power of Captain Righteous.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well he needed The Peacemaker to do it, and he only beat Stein when he had Domino kidnapped…
Phillip Blauer: And his shoes were untied and the sun was in his eyes, I get it. Look, Dan’s been tossing guys around the West Coast for 20 years now, and there’s finally someone who can stand up to him, and he doesn’t like it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein picked this match because everytime he tries to fight Captain Righteous, he runs away.
Phillip Blauer: Flies away.
Guillermo O’Bannon: So he surrounded the ring with lumberjacks in hopes of finally having a legitimate match.
Yolanda Ando: “The Punisher” Dan Stein wears a black leather jacket, a plain black pair of pants, and a plain black t-shirt. He also uses a pair of black hand pads with the fingers torn out, and a pair of black combat boots. His elbow is wrapped.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino also has a match later on this evening against Hardkore Women’s Champion Lady Liberty. She’s looking to get some revenge for the way she’s been treated the past couple months by these two.
Greg Jin: “The following is a Country Whipping Match scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson. Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by Domino; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds; He is The One Who Knocks…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
The OA Arena lets out a huge ovation as Dan Stein takes off his sunglasses and raises his Peacemaker in the air
A choir of children begin to sing after a lengthy sinister haunting piano melody is played, searchlights look around the arena for none other than Captain Righteous who comes floating down while being lowered from above. His cape flaps majestically as he rests both hands on his waist, smiling and scanning the booing crowd below.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous back after a 30 day suspension for retiring Simon Cruise and referee Mike Peters. Righteous thought Dan Stein had a mental hold over Domino, who she has managed since his debut, and was hoping to make her his “birdie”, whatever that means.
Phillip Blauer: He flies, birds fly, he likes birds. What’s the confusion?
Guillermo O’Bannon: After putting Dan Stein out, he felt invincible, so I’m sure when The Punisher showed up in Las Vegas, it was like seeing a ghost.
Phillip Blauer: A ghost with a mustache and beer breath. I tell you, if one of these palookas even touches Captain Righteous with one of those belts, he’s liable to punch them through a wall. You know, everyone gives this guy such a hard time, but he saved a school from the blind when they were getting evicted by the bank.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Really? I had no idea.
Phillip Blauer: Sure, he took them all on his back and flew them to the California Prison for the Criminally Insane. He let out all the inmates so the kids can live there.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He put them in prison?!?
Phillip Blauer: Shhh. They’re blind. They don’t know the difference.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, from Manhattan, Standing 6 feet 3 inches tall; Weighing 275 pounds; The Hardkore Superhero…CAPTAIN RIGHTEOUS!!!”
Captain Righteous waves at the jeering and hostile crowd
Country Whipping Match
Lumberjacks With Straps
Captain Righteous vs. “The Punisher” Dan Stein
Richie Richardson signals for the bell and the crowd roars. Dixon, Little Dragon, Porkmeyer and others whip the apron with their straps. Stein and Righteous walk up to one another and talk trash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous pops him with a headbutt! He takes advantage of his fuzziness and starts strangling him!
The AO Arena rocks with boos. Righteous beams with pride as Stein goes down to one knee
Phillip Blauer: He’s choking the life out of The Punisher! Look at him, you can hear him say “I’m sorry, Captain Righteous! You can have Domino and my dirty stick back!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: No he isn’t. Captain Righteous shoots him into the ropes and backdrops him up high into the air!
Phillip Blauer: He’s tossing a 285 pound man around like he’s nothing!
Captain Righteous strikes a superhero stance but unbeknownst to him Dan Stein gets right back up
Phillip Blauer: For god sakes, turn around Captain! Use your super senses!
Dan Stein twirls him around and gives him three headbutts in a row
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein goes for a Detroit Hangover but Captain Righteous back drops him over the ropes!
Dr. X, Sun Spider #2, Pork Dirkmeyer and “Dirty” Dave Dixon whip Dan Stein’s back
Phillip Blauer: Yeah! Tan his hide!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein gets up and stares down Dixon, X, Pork, and The Sun Spiders!
Phillip Blauer: Hey, no fair! His back hair insulates him from the belts!
They all back off as Dan Stein gets back up onto the apron and enters the ring. A smug Captain Righteous tightens his gloves
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous goes for a lock up, but Stein grabs him in a bearhug. Stein using that barrel chest to constrict the breathing on Righteous, trying to wear him down early.
Righteous grimaces as Richie Richardson checks in to see if he wants to submit. The audience starts singing to the tune of “Spirit in the Sky” by Norman Greenbaum
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Phillip Blauer: This must be the English manners I’ve heard so much about.
Dan Stein tightens his grip but Righteous claps his ears with a bell clap to escape
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a claw hold on Stein! These two exchanging power moves, trying to get the mental advantage over the other.
Captain Righteous drills his thumb and pinkie into Dan Stein’s temples, trying to cave in his skull. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Stein if he’s going to give up, but The Punisher refuses
Phillip Blauer: If you ask me, that’s way better than the Choo Choo Boy’s claw.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one asked you. Dan Stein grabs Righteous’ ankle and lifts him up into a shinbreaker atomic drop. He then applies a full nelson. He thrashes Righteous from side to side!
Stein pushes Righteous’ chin into his chest with his locked hands. The rowdy crowd starts singing some more
Twenty times, twenty times, Man United
Twenty times, twenty times, I say
Twenty times, twenty times, Man United
Playing football the Matt Busby way
“The Punisher” Dan Stein continues to thrash him to prevent him from getting his footing underneath him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous backpedals into the corner to escape the full nelson! He smashes his shoulder into Stein’s stomach a few times.
The audience boos. Righteous hits him with an elbow combination that stuns The Punisher. Stein stumbles out into a drop toehold face first onto the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous pulls him up and irish whips him into the ropes and then takes to the air with a flying back elbow!
Captain Righteous fixes his hair, and takes a deep breath. He pulls Stein up by the hair and scoops him up
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous drops him on his knee in a backbreaker.
Righteous climbs up to the second turnbuckle and waits for Dan Stein to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous dives off the second turnbuckle with a shoulder tackle that takes out Dan Stein!
The Manchester crowd jeers and heckles Captain Righteous. Righteous smiles back at them and pauses until Stein stands up again. Domino roots The Punisher on from ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous charges in but Stein grabs him by the hair and hurls him over the top rope to the floor below!
The fans roar! Righteous stares at “The Palm Springs Kid” Billy Wilder and Dana “The Drone” Daniels who freeze in their tracks
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous daring those two to hit him with a belt, knowing they don’t have the grapes.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Little Dragon whacks him in the back with his leather strap!
The audience pops as a shocked Captain Righteous arches his back in pain. Leonard van Dam gives him another hard lash to the back with his belt
Phillip Blauer: What do they think they are doing?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Johnny Sniper now whips him with a belt, and Captain Righteous high tails it out of ringside, back into the ring!
Dan Stein stomps Righteous as he rolls back into the ring. He delights in stomping him over and over
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein now using the ropes for balance as he steps on Righteous’ throat. He uses all 285 pounds to try and crush Righteous’ windpipe!
Richie Richardson gives Dan Stein a five count to stop and then starts trying to physically peel him off of Captain Righteous. He’s finally successful, but Stein pulls Righteous to his feet by the hair
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein applies an abdominal stretch. He cranks back on it, and then drives his elbow into Righteous’ exposed ribs.
Righteous cries out in pain but refuses to give up. The Manchester audience starts singing again
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Captain Righteous reaches up with his free arm and rakes Stein’s eyes with his glove. Dan releases the abdominal stretch while he rubs his eye
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous gets some distance between them and then savate kicks him under the chin, knocking him over the ropes to the floor below!
The audience jeers. Sun Spider #1 is on Stein immediately with a belt strike. The sound of it meeting his flesh makes the AO Arena wince
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein barely has time to absorb Sun Spider #1’s blow before Moondog Dook is on top of him with his strap to the chest!
Stein goes down to his hands and knees and The Martian lashes him across the back with his belt. The audience lets out a collective “OH!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein better get out of there before he gets overwhelmed by the lumberjacks and their belts.
Phillip Blauer: Those are the receipts for all the rough moves those guys have taken over the years on TV tapings.
Dan Stein crawls back into the ring, and gets up to his knees as Captain Righteous runs off the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous with a shining wizard to the side of Dan Stein’s skull!
The AO Arena “OH”s at the sound of Righteous’ boot hitting Stein’s skull. Captain Righteous climbs to the top turnbuckle and waits for Dan to get to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous with a missile dropkick that catches Dan Stein right on the button!
The crowd jeers Righteous. Captain Righteous pulls Stein up by the hair and irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous takes him out with a flying shoulder tackle!
Captain Righteous pulls him up and scoops him up onto his shoulder. He walks over to the corner with Stein on his shoulder
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous goes for a running powerslam, but Dan Stein slips off his shoulder and counters with a german suplex!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein applies a fujiwara armbar! He pushes off the mar with his feet, cranking up on Righteous’ forearm, twisting his shoulder at an impossible angle.
Richie Richardson asks Captain Righteous if he wants to give up. The Hardkore Superhero shakes his head as he reaches out for the ropes. Domino applauds on the outside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein readjusts and pulls back on Captain Righteous’ trapped forearm, grinding his shoulder into the mat.
The audience cheers. Captain Righteous continues to refuse to tap out, while reaching fruitlessly for the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous makes one last scooch and finally secures the bottom rope enough for Richie Richardson to call on Dan Stein to release the fujiwara armbar.
Phillip Blauer: A super scooch.
Righteous pulls himself up on the ropes, and Dan Stein hooks him up for a suplex
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein shows remarkable power by getting the powerhouse Captain Righteous up and over with a textbook suplex!
Captain Righteous sits up from the pain. The impressed Manchester fans gives Dan Stein an ovation for that feat of strength. Stein pulls Righteous to a standing position and irish whips him into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein charges in with a clothesline but Righteous moves and he crashes into the turnbuckles. Stein stumbles out of the corner but Captain Righteous hits the ropes and gives him a lariat that sends Dan over the ropes to the floor below!
“Dirty” Dave Dixon and Dr. X converge on Stein immediately with their straps, whipping him over and over with them. Pork Dirkmeyer wraps his belt around Stein’s throat as Sun Spider #2 gives him some lashes with his belt
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey, that’s going over the line a bit. They’re supposed to whip him until he gets back into the ring. Not choke him, and take free shots
Phillip Blauer: You’re not a lumberjack. Does Pork come over here and tell you how to be boring and suck up to Kilroy?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, no, but…Dan Stein overpowers Pork, getting his fingers in between the belt and his neck! He grabs Pork by the hair and sits out into a Detroit Hangover facebuster on the floor!!
Phillip Blauer: Oh come on, the man is defenseless.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He had a belt around his neck! The rest of the lumberjacks roll Dan Stein back into the ring, and Captain Righteous hits him with a spear!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Dan Stein kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous applies an inverted indian deathlock! Righteous does a push up to put pressure on Stein’s twisted legs.
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
I'm going on up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
And when I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go take a piss on Righteous
Captain Righteous looks highly annoyed by the song. Richie “Pee Wee” Richardson asks Stein but he shakes his head, refusing to give up. He reaches out for the ropes, but he’s too far away
Phillip Blauer: Look at those welts on his back. He’s sorry he asked for this match.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally crawls over and hooks that bottom rope! Richie Richardson makes Captain Righteous break the inverted indian deathlock. He pulls Stein up into a front facelock, and drives his face into the mat with a faceplant DDT!
The audience boos as Captain Righteous climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous dives off with a flying headbutt but Dan Stein rolls out of the way!
The AO Arena comes to life as Dan Stein uses the pain from his back to psyche himself up back to his feet
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein gets a running start and hits him with a discus clothesline that sends him over the ropes to the floor below!
Captain Righteous gets right back up to his feet and brushes himself off, then turns around to see Little Dragon, Johnny B. Obongo, El Hijo Del Sweet Bone Daddy, Harvey van Houten and the others surround him with the belts
Phillip Blauer: They better put those belts around their waists where they belong if they know what’s good for them.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Little Dragon whacks Captain Righteous in the shoulder with that leather strap! Kenezu Fujiwara lashes him in the back, and Apisai Paisi gives him a tanning until Righteous crawls back into the ring!!
Righteous turns around to threaten the guys that whipped him and Stein comes up from behind with a reverse waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein german suplexes Captain Righteous!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Captain Righteous rolls his shoulder up!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein drapes Righteous’ own arm around his neck and drops down into a regal cutter!
Dan Stein pulls him up by the hair and irish whips Captain Righteous into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein goes for a discus clothesline, but Righteous ducks and hits the Land of Milk and Honey II backdrop driver!!
The cheers turn to jeers. Captain Righteous gets to his feet and suddenly sees The Peacemaker under the bottom turnbuckle
Phillip Blauer: Captain Righteous eyeing that Peacemaker! He’s gonna send him back to the surgery table!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous walks towards it…but Domino grabs it and takes it away!
Captain Righteous’ eyes bulge and he steps through the ropes to go after her
Phillip Blauer: Stop that thief!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Captain Righteous out on the floor chasing Domino, but Leo van Dam, Sami Ielemia, Billy Striker, and Little Dragon whack him with those belts!!
Righteous cries out in pain as half of the lumberjacks take turns beating him with their leather straps
Guillermo O’Bannon: Righteous escapes to higher ground in the ring and turns around into a Stein Line!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
“Thunderhorse” by Dethklok plays and the fans jump to their feet. Captain Righteous rolls out of the ring and catches a few more belt shots from Harvey van Houten and Johnny Sniper as he escapes to the locker room
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 41 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH…’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
Dan Stein holds up his arm in victory as Domino stands at his side
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein hands Captain Righteous his first loss in the US, but more importantly proves he is the strong man of the West Coast!
Phillip Blauer: This is not a big issue at all. Captain Righteous will just fly around the earth backwards and reverse time back to where he went for The Peacemaker. I’ll just wait here until it happens.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ok. This isn’t over, Domino has a match coming up to try and get some revenge on Lady Liberty, we’ll see that next!
Barry Thompson: Hello, I’m Barry Thompson, and I wanna fight for you. Injured at work? In a car accident? Or did you use a banned weed killer in the 90s? I can get you the compensation you deserve! I also run a crab boil restaurant. Unfortunately, the only commercial space I was able to find was a Chinese crab boil establishment.
Man sitting with a bib on, eating crab legs out of a clear plastic trash bag with disposable plastic gloves
Man: I fell off a ladder at working at Sam’s Club. I couldn’t work but I needed to provide for my family. Alot of lawyers offered to help me, and most were more qualified. But Barry was the only one to offer me an Oceanside Bucket with all the sides for only $29.99, plus tip. Which Barry took.
Barry Thompson: I’m also the only waiter! So come on down to Barry Thompson’s Law Office and Crab Boil. Where we fight for you! And also provide quality seafood served in trash bags.
Barry Thompson’s Law Office and Crab Boil
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil at ringside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: As we saw earlier, Dan Stein was finally able to defeat Captain Righteous and do what no man in Hardkore World was able to do. But it all stemmed from Righteous and Hardkore Women’s Champion Lady Liberty stealing The Peacemaker from Domino, and then stealing Domino herself. Tonight, she tries to get some payback here in Manchester.
“Domino” by KISS plays and the audience cheers as Domino walks to the ring along with a sweaty Dan Stein
Phillip Blauer: Oh, come on. We just saw him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein here to support her the same way she has supported him over the past 20 years.
Domino slaps hands with the fans at ringside on her way to the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is Domino’s first match since the 2007 Frank Marano Jr. Memorial Cup when she and the late Brandi defeated Horror Girl and Misfit Tamera in the first round, but lost to Yuku Shiro and “Habanero” Amanda Kauffman in the second. She’s been the president of SWAT, and wrestled a little in Ring Syndicate: Japan but tonight wants to win her first championship of her very own.
Yolanda Ando: Domino wears a tight black one-piece with a snake-eyes domino each leg of her tights, and keeps her long brown hair tied up. To the ring she wears a rather used-looking black leather bomber jacket with a snake-eyes domino on the back.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Domino’s capture awoke something inside her that she didn’t know she still had. She learned a lot about what made Lady Liberty and Captain Righteous tick while they had her in their locker room, and she intends to use that against them.
Phillip Blauer: Traitor. She could have been their sidekick. Maybe the one that punches computer buttons to tell them their mission.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, The Challenger. Accompanied to the ring by “The Punisher” Dan Stein; From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 5 feet 8 inches tall; Weighing 150 pounds...DOMINO!!!"
The Manchester crowd roars as she waves back at them
“Negasonic Teenage Warhead” by Monster Magnet plays as searchlights look around the OA Arena for Lady Liberty who comes floating down from above the crowd with the Hardkore Women’s Championship wrapped around her waist
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Hardkore Women’s Champion surveys her pride down from above.
Phillip Blauer: She will avenge Captain Righteous’ honor here tonight by laying waste to someone who hasn’t stepped in the ring since The Bee Movie.
Lady Liberty’s cape flaps majestically as she rests both hands on her waist, smiling and scanning the crowd below
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty surely has the power advantage, but Domino’s been around the wrestling business since 1998.
Phillip Blauer: Yeah, if Liberty needs to learn how to stand by a cornerpost and applaud, I’m sure she’ll ask her.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty deferred to Captain Righteous and his opinion of Dan Stein, and thought she was the lesser of two evils, and was protecting Domino; from both Righteous and Stein.
Lady Liberty then has the cables float her from outside the ring, over the ropes and finally lands in the ring
Yolanda Ando: Lady Liberty wears a white and gold superhero bodysuit with gold long length gloves. She has gold boots.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Yolanda. Back in June, Lady Liberty beat Black Tiger for the Hardkore Women’s Championship at Palm Springs Punishment 2024, and then in June, she defended it against Mickie Fury. As confident as she seems, she has to wonder what the wily Domino has in store for her.
Greg Jin: “And her opponent; Hailing from Hope Springs, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 10 inches; Weighing 175 pounds, She is The Current HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…LADY LIBERTY!!!”
Lady Liberty gets a mixed reaction as she stalks the ring like the true apex predator she is
Hardkore Women's Championship
Lady Liberty vs. Domino
Kelly O’Connell doesn’t have time to even ring the bell before Domino runs over and grabs Liberty’s hairPhillip Blauer: The bell hasn’t even rung yet, and this has already devolved into a cat fight you would see in front of the bars Domino frequents.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell forcing Domino to abandon the two fistfulls of Liberty’s hair that she has, and then Domino whacks her with a chop to the chest.
Lady Liberty answers back with a european uppercut. Domino hits her with another reverse knife edge chop
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino sticks her fingernails into the eyes of Liberty and rakes them! She’s now strangling the Hardkore Women’s Champion!
Phillip Blauer: Kelly O’Connell has to get a handle on this match. This is the Hardkore Women’s Champion, she wasn’t prepared for the kind of fight you would find on a Jerry Springer soundstage.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino had her freedom taken away from her and I think all of that pent up anger is coming out right now.
The fans cheer as Domino continues to choke Lady Liberty and throttle her neck. Kelly O’Connell tries to peel her off
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino finally lets go of her throat and kicks her in the stomach. She bounces into the ropes and dropkicks Lady Liberty.
Domino catches a rising Lady Liberty with a fireman’s carry, then catches her getting up with a kneelift
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino goes for a suplex, but Lady Liberty blocks it with her calf. She counters with a vertical suplex of her own.
The crowd jeers. Lady Liberty settles in with an armbar. Dan Stein pounds on the apron in support of Domino, and the Manchester fans clap in unison
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty back in control now, yanking up on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket.
The AO Arena begins to sing to the tune “This Old Man”
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Domino works her way to her feet with Liberty hanging onto that armbarred arm
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino uses her free arm to bodyslam her way out of the armbar!
The audience pops, and Domino tries to irish whip her but Lady Liberty reverses it and shoots Domino into the corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty cartwheels into a Space Rolling Elbow to Domino in the corner!
Liberty grabs Domino in a front facelock and climbs to the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty tornado DDTs Domino, drilling her head into the mat!
The OA Arena boos. Domino gets to her feet, only to be dropkicked back to the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty applies an arm trap crossface. She locks her hands underneath Domino’s chin and rocks back on her head and neck, putting pressure on her shoulder as well.
Phillip Blauer: Liberty has shook off that earlier attempt to turn this into a cat fight and settled into her dominance of the overmatched Domino.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty going back to that arm she wore down earlier with an armbar.
Kelly O’Connell asks her if she wants to tap out, but Domino shakes her head no
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino strains her hand out to try and grab the bottom rope, but she’s too far way. She takes that hand and grabs Liberty by the ankle, and she slowly peels it back until she is able to escape into a cradle!
…ONE!
…Lady Liberty releases the arm trap crossface!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino catches Liberty getting up with a flying head scissors takedown!
The Manchester fans applaud as Lady Liberty sits up from the impact. She gets on her hands and knees
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino with a la majistral cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lady Liberty kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino pulls her up by the wrist, and brings her in with a shortarm clothesline. She grabs both of Lady Liberty’s arms with a double chicken wing.
“The Punisher” Dan Stein applauds on the outside. Domino pulls up on both of Liberty’s wrists, making the Hardkore Women’s Champion grimace. The Manchester fans start singing again
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino trying to hyperextend those elbows with her double chicken wing.
Kelly O’Connell checks in but Liberty politely tells her she doesn’t want to give up. Domino irish whips her into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty comes back with a step up jumping knee that sends Domino through the ropes to the floor!
The crowd boos. Domino pulls herself up by the apron as Lady Liberty runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty suicide dives over the ropes smacking Domino into the guardrail!!
The audience winces with an “OH!” at the sound of Domino’s body hitting the steel. Lady Liberty climbs back up to the apron, and then climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty jumps off the top rope with a 630 senton!!
The OA Arena rocks with boos as Liberty and Domino lie on the floor next to one another. Dan Stein looks on with concern
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty climbs up to the apron gets a running start and backflips into a shooting star press, but Domino rolls out of the way!!
The Manchester crowd cheers. Domino gets up and grabs Lady Liberty’s legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino slingshots her face first into the corner post!!
The fans let out another “OH!” at the sound of Lady Liberty’s head clanging off of the ring post
Phillip Blauer: You could hear that from here!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino rolls Liberty back into the ring, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. She jumps off and catches Liberty from behind with a bulldog off the top rope!
Domino wraps her legs around Lady Liberty’s head and applies a triangle choke
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino applies a triangle scissors lock! She pulls back on Lady Liberty’s arm while using those legs to create a vice like grip around her head and neck.
Kelly O’Connell asks Lady Liberty if she wants to give up, but doesn’t get an answer. Domino tightens her grip, and Liberty tips over to her side
Guillermo O’Bannon: Domino continues to cut off Lady Liberty’s air with the triangle choke!
Phillip Blauer: It appears Liberty is still a little loopy from hitting that corner post. She should call a timeout.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There’s no time outs.
Phillip Blauer: She’s a superhero, she could merely freeze time if she wanted. I assume.
The fans start singing again
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
D-O-M-I-N-O
Domino’s the girl for me
With a knick-knack paddy-whack
Give a dog a bone
Why don't Liberty fuck off home
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty now back on her knees in the triangle choke. She uses her free arm to punch Domino repeatedly until Domino releases her arm.
Domino climbs to the top turnbuckle but Lady Liberty struggles to meet her on the second turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Liberty grabs her around the neck and backflips into a spanish fly!!
The audience boos. Lady Liberty makes the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Lady Liberty pulls Domino up by the hair and irish whips her into the ropes. She catches her with a slingblade
Guillermo O’Bannon: Crown of Cassiopeia! She follows it up with a standing 450 splash!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Lady Liberty touches her eye brow to see if it’s bleeding, and then pulls Domino up by the arm. She pulls her into a ripcord bicycle knee smash
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Minor!!
Lady Liberty climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring and then backflips into a double rotation moonsault
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ursa Major!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Domino kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lady Liberty lifts her up on her shoulders in a fireman’s carry, and walks her around the ring.
Phillip Blauer: She’s just toying with her now.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Domino pulls her back into a crucifix cradle!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Phillip Blauer: What??
Guillermo O’Bannon: What an upset! Domino has defeated Lady Liberty for the Hardkore Women’s Championship!
“Domino” by KISS plays and “The Punisher” Dan Stein runs into the ring with the Hardkore Women’s Championship handing it to Domino, who is on her knees in disbelief
Greg Jin: “At 15 minutes 3 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WOMEN’S CHAMPION…DOMINO!!!”
Phillip Blauer: Was that corner post made out of kryptonite? We need to get that checked.
Lady Liberty sits in the corner, stunned as Dan Stein lifts Domino on his shoulder, the Hardkore Women’s Championship hoisted high above her head
Guillermo O’Bannon: I think even Domino probably thought she was going to try and get her licks in, but she looks shocked that she was able to pin Lady Liberty’s shoulders to the mat. I guess she had picked something up from all the time they spent together!
Phillip Blauer: Wait till Captain Righteous finds out about this. He’s liable to blow this whole building away with his super breath.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Well, until that happens, Domino is your new Hardkore Women’s Champion!
When the makers of The Haunted Mall, voted the third best haunted house in a mall in Palm Springs, decided to extend their lease through the Christmas season with Krampos, many wondered if we were just trying to squeeze more money out of a fairly seasonal concept. But now, we are proud to announce we have paid for a year long lease so there can be haunted houses all year round. It never has to go away! Introducing Fear Year Round!
Like a Martin Luther King Day haunted house!
“I have a dream! But also very scary nightmares!”
The Valentine’s Date…From Hell!
Our St. Patrick’s Day!
Leprechaun: It’ll be a Sunday, Bloody Sunday!
When Spring comes, we’re even gonna pay the mall Easter bunny to a shift where he chases you at the end with a chainsaw
On Cinco De Mayo, you wear an El Santo mask and try to get away from Vampire Women, played by the girls from Hot Dog on a Stick
Palm Springs Year Round Haunted House
Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: After that big upset, we have another title match, this time for the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship as Team Fairtex puts it on the line against the new team of The Sharp Dressed Men, comprised of the former and current Hardkore California Champions, Tuxedo Mask and Joe Nobody.
Phillip Blauer: I’m hurt that they didn’t ask me to join them as a (bad Spanish accent) trios.
“Sharp Dressed Man” by ZZ Top plays and the AO Arena cheers. Tuxedo Mask steps through the curtain with the Hardkore California Championship, his crown and cape with scepter. He stands at the side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak in the pop. Joe Nobody walks out next and Hardkore Cameraman Jackie Valentine Jr. gets a nice tight shot of his face. Joe smirks and adjusts his tie. Tux walks to the other side of the ramp and pumps up the fans with his scepter to cheer him on that side as well. Nobody begins making his way to the ring, while Tuxedo Mask does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask have never teamed before, but felt that they were kindred spirits, joined by their love of fashion.
Phillip Blauer: Teams have been formed under lesser connections. Many times it was just because both men owned blue trunks, or in the case of The Fantastics, had the same days off of stripping.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody respects the way Team Fairtex handles their business, but cautions them that the second they make a mistake, he’s going to be there to capitalize.
As Joe Nobody makes it up two steps, he stops. He turns around to give a kid in the Tuxedo Mask soccer jersey they have available at the merch stand his signature fedora. Tuxedo Mask walks over to the boy’s mother and starts chatting her up before he slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of cheers before preparing for the match. Joe Nobody enters the ring and points at the crowd before clapping his hands together
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hardkore California Champion Tuxedo Mask wants to win the Hardkore World Tag Team titles for a second time to add to his impressive title collection, and stop Team Fairtex from embarrassing the division as he sees it.
Yolanda Ando: Joe Nobody wears a white button up shirt, black tie, black vest with the words "Nobody is Perfect" on the back. He has black boots with white accents of toe and heels, and black pants. Tuxedo Mask wears a fancy tuxedo with white gloves and a white ballroom mask.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t know about the guys, but every girl’s crazy for these two!
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Tommy Milligan. Featuring first, The Challengers. From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 1 inch tall; Weighing 195 pounds, He is The Prince of Perfection…JOE NOBODY!! His partner is from Tokushima, Japan. Standing 5 feet 8 inches and Weighing 185 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE CALIFORNIA CHAMPION; He is the uncommon kamen, a connoisseur and a lady lure... TUXEDO MASK!! They are THE SHARP DRESSED MEN!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers
"UFC Remix" plays and the OA Arena cheers loudly! Tong Fairtex comes to ringside accompanied by his brother Phantam with the Hardkore World Tag Team Championship belts around their waists
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex achieved a dream when they defeated The Miracle Violence Combination II in Albuquerque back in June, and then successfully defended them in Las Vegas against The Dutch Express. Tonight, they put them on the line against two former and current Hardkore California Champions, and see if their teamwork can overcome Tux and Joe’s individual strengths.
Tong and Phantam slap hands with the fans on the way to ringside
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex may have been trying to create some dissension between these two, by claiming that Joe’s comments insulted Tuxedo Mask.
Phillip Blauer: That was Farnam.
Guillermo O’Bannon: You mean Phantam, and no, it wasn’t. Tong says that Joe because Tux has been wrestling for longer, Nobody’s comments were disrespectful to him.
Phillip Blauer: Pretty sure that was Filliam.
Yolanda Ando: Team Fairtex wears tight fitting MMA fighting trunks with a dragon and tiger on the sides and the Thailand Flag in the front and black wrestling boots.
Tong Fairtex enters the ring and goes to each corner saying a prayer before going to his corner jumping up and down slapping and pounding his chest and face with his fists psyching himself up as his brother Phantam gives him instructions.
Greg Jin: “And their opponents; From Bangkok, Thailand; They both Stand 6 feet tall, and Weigh 235 pounds; TONG FAIRTEX!! PHANTAM FAIRTEX!! They are the Current HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…TEAM FAIRTEX!!!”
The Manchester fans give them a huge pop as the tag team champs as they hold their belts up
Hardkore World Tag Team Match
Team Fairtex (Tong Fairtex and Phantam Fairtex)
vs.
The Sharp Dressed Men (Tuxedo Mask and Joe Nobody)
Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Tuxedo Mask and Phantam Fairtex elect to start out
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux and Phantam lock up, and Fairtex quickly flips him over into a fireman’s carry. Phantam scoops Tux up and bodyslams him to the mat.
Tuxedo Mask gets up and runs into a Mexican armdrag and then a Japanese arm drag
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex yanks up on that arm, trying to pull it out of it’s socket. Tux rolls to his feet, but Phantam clamps down on his arm harder.
Tux is able to slip his arm out, and twist Fairtex’s arm. He runs up the ropes to the top
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask uses Phantam’s twisted arm to tightrope walk along the rope, then hops off into a la majistral!
…ONE!
…Phantam Fairtex kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux hooks Phantam and hits him with a snap suplex. He tries pulling him up, but Fairtex takes him over with an ipponzei judo toss!
Phantam Fairtex hits Tuxedo Mask with a dropkick and then tags in his brother Tong
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double suplexes Tuxedo Mask!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, and then struggles to get up. Tong Fairtex runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex with an ax kick to the back of Tux’s head!
Tong pulls Tux up into a muay thai style clinch and hits him with a knee strike
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex striking Tux all over his body with muay thai knees while keeping him in that clinch. He smacks Tuxedo Mask in the throat with some knife edge chops, backing him into the ropes.
Tong Fairtex hits Tuxedo Mask in the chest with several muay thai punches, then switches to muay thai palm strikes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask getting overwhelmed by the striking skill of the Thai MMA fighters, I’m not sure how he’ll defend himself against this onslaught…
Tux does a split and then punches Tong Fairtex in the balls
Phillip Blauer: That’ll work.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask tags in Joe Nobody. Nobody irish whips Tux into Tong Fairtex, catching him with a roundhouse kick! Fairtex gets up to his knees, and Nobody comes in with a shining wizard!
The OA Arena lets out a collective “OH!” at the sound of Nobody’s foot hitting Fairtex’s skull. He pulls Tong up and ties up their legs
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody snaps back into a russian leg sweep! He uses the momentum to roll over into a pinning position!
…ONE!
…Tong Fairtex kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex gets up but runs into an arm drag, and then kips up but charges into a second arm drag.
The crowd starts singing “Sharp Dressed Man”
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Joe Nobody pulls Tong Fairtex up to his feet in a full nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody release dragon suplexes Tong Fairtex across the ring!
Nobody pulls Fairtex up by the hair, and then irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody ducks down for a back drop, but Tong catches him with a shake, rattle, and roll out of nowhere!
Phillip Blauer: Haven’t heard it called that in a while. Can we go back to calling sleepers a Good Night Irene?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No. Tong Fairtex pushes Joe Nobody into the ropes, and then hits him with a knee strike on his return!
Tong Fairtex goes to hit a rising Nobody with a muay thai kick, but Nobody catches it and takes him down with a dragon screw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody pulls Fairtex up and rolls him around into a hangman’s neckbreaker!
Joe Nobody tags in Tuxedo Mask. Tuxedo Mask goes to punch Tong Fairtex, but Fairtex bows up on him. Tux backs off, trying to interest him in a Tuxedo Mask soccer jersey
Phillip Blauer: Tux trying to talk some sense into Tong Fairtex from punching him, and he would do well to listen. I’m overhearing Tux offering deep discounts for a soccer jersey from the King of California.
Guillermo O’Bannon: But Joe sneaks up behind him and release german suplexes Tong!
Tong pulls himself up by the ropes as Tuxedo Mask waits for him to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now Tuxedo Mask feels comfortable handspringing into a spear on Tong Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tong Fairtex kicks out!
Tuxedo Mask steps through the ropes out onto the apron. He slingshots himself onto the middle of the top rope
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask with a springboard dragon rana!!
The Manchester audience cheers. They start singing “Sharp Dressed Man”
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Tuxedo Mask pulls Tong Fairtex up into a ¾ nelson
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux goes for a shiranui, but Tong gets free, and superkicks Tuxedo Mask when he lands behind him!
The fans pop as Tong crawls over and tags in Phantam. Phantam comes in and they both front facelock Tux
Guillermo O’Bannon: Team Fairtex double DDTs Tuxedo Mask!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex applies a gogoplata on Tuxedo Mask! He pulls down on the back of Tux’s head while using that shin to choke him. Phil, you’ve been pretty quiet. Are you getting nervous about your match with Kilroy coming up soon?
Phillip Blauer: Me? Poppycock. It’s just…did they turn the heat up in this place or something?
Tommy Milligan checks in but Tuxedo Mask won’t tap out. Joe Nobody roots Tux on from the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex cutting off Tux’s air, pulling down on the gogoplata.
Tuxedo Mask waves Joe Nobody in to help him, and Joe Nobody steps through the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody stomps on Phantam Fairtex to break up the gogoplata.
Tommy Milligan forces Joe Nobody back to his corner, as Phantam pummels Tux with lefts and rights on the mat
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam battering Tuxedo Mask on the mat. He pulls him up, smashing Tux on the back and neck with forearms. He hammerlocks Tux’s arm and body slams him on his chicken winged arm!
Tuxedo Mask clutches his arm close to his body. He gets up and Phantam Fairtex hits him with a muy thai kick to his thigh
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex hits Tux with another muay thai kick to his ankle. Another muay thai kick to his shin. Tuxedo Mask tries to fire back with a kick of his own, but Phantam catches it. Tux swings around with an enzuigiri roundhouse kick!
The fans cheer. Tux staggers over to tag in Joe Nobody but Phantam grabs him from behind with a rear waistlock
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex with a rear waistlock takedown. Tux sits up and Fairtex kicks him with a face wash!
Phantam tags in Tong. Tong dragon screws Tux while Phantam executes a flying muay Thai style spin kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Double Dragon Sweep!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tuxedo Mask kicks out!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex gives Tux a spinning toe hold, and then drops down into a figure four! He clamps down on Tuxedo Mask’s crossed legs, making him sit up in pain.
Tuxedo Mask reaches out for the ropes, but they are too far away. Joe claps on the apron, trying to root Tux on, Tommy Milligan asks Tux if he wants to give up but he shakes his head
Guillermo O’Bannon: Fairtex sits up and falls back down, to increase the pressure on Tuxedo Mask’s legs. Tux isn’t giving up, so Tong pulls him up into a double underhook, and then drops to his knees, driving Tux’s face into a pedigree!
Tong pulls Tux up by the hair, and smashes him in the face with a headbutt. He then lands a stiff muay thai kick to his lower back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong Fairtex takes a swing at him with a muay thai punch, but Tux ducks and atomic drops Fairtex on the top rope!
The AO Arena cheers. Tuxedo Mask then runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask kangaroo kicks the perched Tong Fairtex to the floor below!
Tong Fairtex falls awkwardly to the floor. Tuxedo Mask runs into the ropes again
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tux baseball slides under the ropes and catches Tong Fairtex with a helicopter rana on the floor!!
The Manchester fans cheer loudly. Phantam Fairtex enters the ring runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex somersaults over the ropes into a senton that takes out both Tuxedo Mask and his brother Tong!!
The cheering gets even louder. Phantam lets out a war cry, and then motions for Tuxedo Mask to get up. Joe Nobody runs along the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody hops onto the second turnbuckle, and then jumps back into a dropkick that catches Phantam Fairtex!!
The audience cheers and chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” Tuxedo Mask rolls back into the ring. Joe charges a rising Phantam with a clothesline but Fairtex ducks
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe unwittingly runs right into a superkick by Tong Fairtex!
Tuxedo Mask hits the ropes and does a no hand handspring into a backflip over the ropes with a sasuke special
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask’s Twilight Dance takes out Team Fairtex!!
Now the crowd chants “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!” Joe Nobody pulls Phantam up and starts slugging him, backing him into the guardrail
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex now getting the better end of that brawl with Joe Nobody with those muay thai strikes to the face. Nobody tries to punch back, but Phantam ducks and back suplexes Nobody onto the apron!!
The audience lets out a collective “OH!” at the impact it made on Nobody’s back. On the other side of the ring, Tuxedo Mask grabs a chair and climbs up to the apron
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault, smashing that chair into Tong’s face!!
The crowd cheers as both men lie on the floor, nursing their wounds, with the chair next to them. The AO Arena continues to chant “TUX!! TUX!! TUX!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex picks up that chair, and when Tuxedo Mask gets up, Fairtex waffles the chair into his back!!
Tuxedo Mask arches his back in pain, then crumbles to the floor. Phantam slides a table out from underneath the ring, and sets it up at ringside, while Tong gingerly slides back into the ring. Phantam rolls Tuxedo Mask onto the table as Tong runs into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong leaps onto the middle of the top rope and jumps off with a springboard senton but Tuxedo Mask rolls out of the way and Fairtex crashes through the table!!
The fans erupt with a huge pop as Tuxedo Mask crawls back into the ring and over towards an awaiting Joe Nobody. Phantam helps his brother back into the ring and then goes to his corner
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tong tags in his brother Phantam, but Tuxedo Mask crawls over to his corner and tags in Joe Nobody! Nobody runs into the ring and catches Phantam with a tornado DDT!
Tong tries to hit Joe Nobody with a muay thai kick, but Joe catches it and takes him down to the mat with a dragon screw
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody presses an uncooperative Tuxedo Mask over his head and uses him to take out an oncoming Phantam Fairtex with a flying body press!
Tong gets up and tries to bail out his brother, but Joe Nobody is ready for him with a jumping calf kick
Guillermo O’Bannon: Perfect Placement!
The OA Arena starts singing
Clean shirt, new shoes
And I don't know where I am goin' to
Silk suit, black tie, black tie
I don't need a reason why
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nobody lifts Phantam Fairtex up into a fisherman’s buster and then sits out into an Awesome Driver!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Tong Fairtex stomps the back of Joe Nobody’s head!
Joe Nobody gets up to fight with Tong, but Tommy Milligan forces him back to his corner. Nobody turns around into a spear from Phantam
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bull Run by Phantam Fairtex!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Joe Nobody kicks out!
Greg Jin: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phantam Fairtex irish whips Joe Nobody into the corner, and comes running in with his stinger splash but Joe Nobody superkicks him in mid-air!!
The Manchester audience cheers and Joe Nobody tags in Tuxedo Mask, who climbs to the top turnbuckle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Joe Nobody lifts Phantam Fairtex up in a powerbomb and Tuxedo Mask comes off the top with a somersault neckbreaker!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: We have new champions!
“Sharp Dressed Men” by ZZ Top plays and Tuxedo Mask and Joe Nobody grab the Hardkore World Tag Team title belts
Greg Jin: “At 21 minutes 37 seconds; THE WINNERS OF THE MATCH, AND NEW HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS…THE SHARP DRESSED MEN!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: In their second match as a team, Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask have won the Hardkore World Tag Team Championships! This is Tuxedo Mask’s second time as tag team champion!
Joe Nobody and Tuxedo Mask hold up their Hardkore World Tag Team title belts while Tuxedo Mask holds his Hardkore California Championship up in his other hand
The Fast Food Report
"On KPLM at 2am, it’s The Fast Food Report with Hardkore Timekeeper Carl Valentine Jr.!
Cut to Carl Valentine Jr. sitting at a desk, with a green screen behind him playing clips of fast food burgers, fries, and sodas
Carl Valentine Jr.: (nervous, looking at the wrong camera, his lower third graphic says Karl Valentine Jr.) Tonight, we investigate Burger King’s Chicken fries. What are they? Why are they?
We run down the top 5 fries in the country and explain why seasoned fries are cheating!
Are secret menus elitist?
How to get a date with the drive thru lady. I mean, I think. It’s never actually worked, but I think some of them just had a rule about dating customers.
In Memoriam, a look back at everybody killed over a Popeye’s chicken sandwich during the pandemic
And, it’s Flashback Friday so we take a fond look back at McDonald’s Mighty Wings
Fade up on Guillermo and Phil
Guillermo O’Bannon: Coming up next, is a special attraction for our trip to the UK. It is our huge honor that we get a Wrestle: UK Championship match with Lord Dominicus putting his newly won belt on the line against former Hardkore West Coast Champion The Sheik!
‘Seasons in the Abyss’ by Stone Sour hits, and the Manchester fans boo as Malcolm Xavier Graves comes out first. The jeers grow louder as The Sheik storms from the back, pointing at the heavens before he snarls and spits. He shoves past Graves, heading for the ring to roll inside. Kelly O’Connell cuts him off, trying to calm him down
Guillermo O’Bannon: Malcolm Xavier Graves is far from impressed by Lord Dominicus, despite his lengthy resume here in the XHF.
Phillip Blauer: Hey, MXG is hard to impress. I’ve caught his piercing stare before. It’s withering. I will say the chap did lose me at this Eldee business.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Pardon?
Phillip Blauer: Well The Sheik is wrestling Lord Dominicus for the British belt, but he's completely preoccupied with this Eldee guy he kept mentioning. Now I don’t know if that’s a guy from another promotion or a past foe that he was never able to settle things with, but Graves has to keep his eyes on the prize if he’s hoping for his 80% cut.
Guillermo O’Bannon: LD, Phil. Those are his initials.
Phillip Blauer: Who’s initials?
Guillermo O’Bannon: (sighs, then pinches his nose, before continuing) Graves hopes that by beating Lord Dominicus tonight, The Sheik will defeat his third Wrestle: UK Champion, and that this will prove The Sheik should be in the main event more often.
The Sheik paces in the ring, eyeing the entrance as Malcolm Xavier Graves warns Kelly O’Connell she better call a fair match
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik thinks everything Lord Dominicus does, he does a little bit better, and it’s all going to add up to Lord Dominicus going to the hospital.
Phillip Blauer: Oh, maybe he’ll get to sample some of England’s famous free health care.
Greg Jin: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the WRESTLE: UK CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Kelly O’Connell. Featuring first, The Challenger; accompanied to the ring by his manager Malcolm Xavier Graves, From The Empty Quarter, Arabia; Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 235 pounds…THE SHEIK!!!”
Sim City 'Metropolis’ blasts across the OA Arena, and the fans cheer as the Wrestle: UK Heavyweight Champion walks from the back. Behind him the screen shows pictures of him rolling up other superstars and driving the DominiCruiser. He gestures to his GRAND VICTORIES on display before strutting down to the ring.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus feels a bit put upon having to defend his Wrestle: UK Championship here on a Hardkore World show, but it was agreed to by previous champion Kasper Van Zant.
Phillip Blauer: Well, he should have no-showed. We could have just had the Sun Spiders fight one another. I’ve been itching to see that! I’ve got my eye on #2!
Guillermo O’Bannon: No one else is. But Lord Dominicus wanted to expose the British Hardkore World fans to the type of action he is hoping to make the norm in Wrestle: UK.
Phillip Blauer: Well that’s nice of us to offer him a commercial spot. Do they have a jingle we play or something?
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s not a commercial. It’s a title match.
Phillip Blauer: Well, tomato-tomatoe.
Dominicus nods at the Manchester crowd, absently rolling his shoulders as he adjusts the belt before he holds it high. The fans cheer back, and LD heads for the ring to climb inside.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus offering his hand in friendship towards The Sheik in an odd move.
Phillip Blauer: Most people snatch back a bloody stump. Besides, he’s already friends with Eldee.
Guillermo O’Bannon: There is no Eldee, Phil. It’s LD.
Phillip Blauer: I don’t follow.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus hoping they can show the kind of wrestling you can expect from Wrestle: UK.
Phillip Blauer: So it is a commercial.
Guillermo O’Bannon: No.
Lord Dominicus leans against the ropes, absently stroking the title as The Sheik, points at LD before he motions at his waist.
Phillip Blauer: The Sheik seems to be referencing his kidney stones.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik referencing his desire for championship gold.
Phillip Blauer: Ah.
Greg Jin: “And his opponent, From Parts Unknown, Standing 6 feet tall; Weighing 180 pounds; He is The Current WRESTLE:UK CHAMPION, The Dark Lord of Hardkore World…LORD DOMINICUS!!!”
The Manchester crowd cheers Lord Dominicus as he holds up his Wrestle: UK Championship
Wrestle:UK Championship
Lord Dominicus vs. The Sheik
Kelly O’Connell calls both men to the middle of the ring. She signals for the bell
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik firing off strikes that rocks Dominicus towards the corner!
The Sheik stomps and kicks at him, and even goes so far as to plant a boot on his throat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik choking Lord Dominicus before Kelly O’Connell drags him off.
The Sheik screams at Kelly O’Connell driving her away Malcolm Xavier Graves chokes Dominicus with his cane while her back is turned
Guillermo O’Bannon: MXG choking Lord Dominicus while Kelly’s back is turned!
Phillip Blauer: Why bother? Roscoe Law used an ambulance as a wear down move a couple shows ago.
Guillermo O’Bannon: This is under Wrestle: UK rules.
The fans are livid, booing Malcolm Xavier Graves The Sheik came back in, hauling LD upwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik fires off a few uppercuts.
The audience is jeering and The Sheik whips Lord Dominicus across the ring before he charges in after him.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus dives out of the way, and the Sheik crashes into the turnbuckles! Sheik stumbles back into a swinging neckbreaker!
The fans cheer as Lord Dominicus drops the Sheik, and then he stomps him. Dominicus locking on the inverted facelook! The fans are cheering
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Lord Dominicus’ hands to force them away as he rises with a wild gleam in his eyes. He shoves him back, and buries a boot in his stomach! He DDTs the Wrestle: UK Champion!
The fans boo, and the Sheik runs backwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik comes off the ropes with a stomp! The Great King of Terror stalks back and forth.
The Sheik calls to Graves. Malcolm Xavier Graves rips a chair from the front row, and slides it inside
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs the chair, slamming it against the mat before he runs at the rising Lord Dominicus! But Kelly O’Connell grabs him, trying to wrestle it away!
The Manchester crowd is eating it up. Lord Dominicus creeps up behind the Sheik
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus hits the Dick Punch!
Phillip Blauer: I suppose that is supposed to be the new Wrestle: UK? Dick punches? What’s next purple nurples?
The Sheik topples, and the fans explode as Lord Dominicus feigns innocence at Kelly O’Connell before he rolls up the challenger
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Malcolm Xavier Graves puts Sheik’s foot on the bottom rope
The fans boo, and Malcolm Xavier Graves is jawing with the Wrestle: UK Champion
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus is on his feet, and grabs Graves by the tie and pulls him into the ring!
Phillip Blauer: Big tough guy, picking on a guy with a cane…and a tie. When will someone speak up for the tied community?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus irish whips Malcolm Xavier Graves into the turnbuckles! Graves bounces into the corner, and Lord Dominicus hits a dropkick that sends him to the outside!!
The AO Arena roars as Malcolm Xavier Graves finally getting his due. Lord Dominicus stalks back over to the rising Sheik, he starts to rag him upwards
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik grabs Dominicus’ mask, pulling it crooked as he rises!
Phillip Blauer: I bet he doesn’t like his wardrobe used against him.
Lord Dominicus’ grabs at his mask, clearly blinded for a second before the Sheik grabbed him
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik scoops him up into a michinoku driver II!!
…ONE!
…TWO!
…Lord Dominicus kicks out!
The Sheik fumes, and he complains to Kelly O’Connell once more before he starts to stomp away at Dominicus.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik drops back, waiting for Lord Dominicus to rise before he charges in to hit a slingblade!
The Manchester audience boos, and The Sheik leaped onto the top turnbuckle from inside the ring
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik backflips into a moonsault but Lord Dominicus gets his knees up!!
The jeers turn to cheers. The Sheik rolls off, arching in pain as he struggles to rise
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus is up first, and irish whips The Sheik into the ropes and hits a huricanrana!!
The fans cheer, and Dominicus keeps up the pressure before he irish whips him but The Sheik reverses it and shoots Lord Dominicus into the turnbuckles
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik hits the heel kick out of the Corner, and Dominicus drops once more! The fans are going wild, and the Great King of Terror snarls as he drives a boot beneath LD’s chin to drag him slowly upwards.
Sheik goes for a black mass kick but Lord Dominicus ducks it
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dominicus ducks The Scimitar! He grabs The Sheik to fire off an exploder suplex!
The fans explode, going wild in Manchester as Graves is on the apron once more. Kelly O'Connell argues with him, pointing angrily as Lord Dominicus reaches behind his back
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus applies the Midnight Claw Gauntlet and then Vantablack Punches Malcolm Xavier Graves!!
The Manchester crowd is deafening as Graves goes flying, landing in a heap on the outside. Kelly O'Connell stares, and Lord Dominicus points at Graves before he ducks under the charging Sheik! Kelly O'Connell is knocked aside, and the Sheik dropping blows on Lord Dominicus before he irish whips him into the ropes
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kelly O’Connell got knocked down in the frey, and The Sheik hits Lord Dominicus with a backspring spinning elbow!!
The fans boo, and Dominicus is down as the Sheik grabs the chair
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Sheik comes flying over the ropes with a leg drop across the steel!!
Lord Dominicus is in a heap, and The Sheik grins as he kicks him over and applies an accolade camel clutch
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sheik with The Last Crusade. He locks his hands together under Lord Dominicus’ chin and rocks back on his head and neck.
Phillip Blauer: There’s no one to hear Lord Dominicus beg for mercy! Wake up, Kelly!
The audience urges Lord Dominicus to hang on. The Sheik peels back on Lord Dominicus’ head, bending his neck back at a painful angle
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus slides free of The Last Crusade, and The Sheik whirls around only to be leveled with the Vantablack Punch!!
The AO Arena explodes, and the Great King of Terror crashes down, and Dominicus looks at the slowly stirring Kelly O’Connel before he flings aside the gauntlet to make the cover
…ONE!
…TWO!
…THREE!!!
Sim City 'Metropolis’ plays and the fans jump to their feet as Kelly O’Connell hands Lord Dominicus his Wrestle: UK Championship
Greg Jin: “At 12 minutes 35 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL WRESTLE: UK CHAMPION…LORD DOMINICUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus uses that Midnight Claw Gauntlet to knock out both The Sheik and Malcolm Xavier Graves to successfully defend his Wrestle: UK Championship!
Lord Dominicus holds the Wrestle: UK title belt over his head as the crowd roars. Hardkore Medic David Valentine Jr. checks on Malcolm Xavier Graves on the floor
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lord Dominicus did what he set out to do, and showed this Manchester crowd the way Wrestle: UK is going to operate going forward I supposed. Well, it’s time, Phil. Your match is next.
Phillip Blauer: (gulp) I have every confidence in the World that I am about to end Kilroy’s career.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s going to kick your ass so bad.
Phillip Blauer: I doubt it.
Phillip Blauer: Phil Blauer here to talk to you about a common problem among men. There’s many names for it. Bashful bladder, pee shy, constapeeted, the list goes on and on. I too suffer from this affliction, medically known as public piss syndrome. Or PPS. But learn how to live with this disease with my helpful seminar available for 10 easy payments of $33. First, I offer several ways to avoid the experience entirely.
Technique #1: Neutralize the Threat
Phil drags the trash can over to the door and jams it under the doorknob. He peacefully urinates as you hear people struggle fruitlessly trying to open it
Technique #2: Confront the Problem Head On
Phil walks next to a man peeing in a urinal and stands next to him as if to pee, but he just stares at the man
Phillip Blauer: I AM NOT…AFRAID!
Man: Hey buddy, calm down…
Phillip Blauer: I WILL NOT BE TERRORIZED ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE…BY YOU!!
Man: Are…are you OK?
Phillip Blauer: (sobs) Please…help me… I just want to feel safe…
Technique #3: Scorched Earth
Three men are peeing in urinals when suddenly Phil comes in with a tank of kerosene, pouring it over the walls, sinks, and bathroom stalls
Guy: What are you doing??
Another Guy: Are you insane?
Phil strikes a match and lights it, and fire starts consuming the bathroom
Guy: Let’s get out of here.
They run out of the men’s room. Phil sighs with relief, and then begins peeing in the urinal with in a fully engulfed bathroom. He turns to the camera
Phillip Blauer: So stop watching the men’s room door to see when everyone leaves whenever you have to “pay the old water bill”. Order my DVD, “Living with PPS with Phil Blauer”
The firemen run in to the bathroom
Fireman: Sir! You have to evacuate!!
Phillip Blauer: GREAT! Now it stopped again!
