Dirty Dave is gonna clean up at Helloween
Oct 15, 2024 16:35:22 GMT -5
edwarddubin0604, Visit Neom, and 1 more like this
Post by Jonnie Valentine on Oct 15, 2024 16:35:22 GMT -5
Open on a dusty Desert Hot Springs garage. “Dirty” Dave Dixon is underneath a Mistubushi Mirage, fixing it. You can hear his socket wrench as it turns over and over. Numerous junked cars pepper a front yard. Unruly dogs fight with one another around the rusted out automobiles. A pregnant woman holding a baby on her hip, smokes as she looks off in the distance. Suddenly from the garage, you hear a string of profanities
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (wiping his hands with a dirty rag) That carburetor isn’t coming out willingly, that’s for dang sure.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: I told you, I don’t think anything’s wrong with my car. And I don’t think the carburetor is under my car.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (points his finger) Don’t sass me or I’ll knock your dick in the dirt, son!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Sorry, forget I said anything. Let’s change the subject. How do you like your chances in the 2024 Hardkore Helloween Cup coming up?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (smiles, showing his missing and a broken teeth) Oh, I like ‘em just fine. I ain’t ‘fraid a no barbed wire, see? Cause barbed wire can’t do nothing life hasn’t already done to my face. Look at me, boy. I’m ugly, ain’t I?
Kevin is taken aback. He looks around at how he’s in the middle of nowhere, deciding that he shouldn’t anger the guy fixing his only means of escape
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I wouldn’t say that.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: You can say it.
Kevin and Dave talk over one another
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I was going to say…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: It’s no secret…
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I think you have a very distinct…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: I’m a big boy, I can take it.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: It’s not that at all…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Out with it!!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (startled) Ok, you are a comely, unsightly beast.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (stunned) Oh…I guess I can’t take it. That actually hurts my feelings.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (nervous) Oh, hey. I’m sorry. You said…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (bursts out laughing the hoarse laugh of ten thousand cigarettes)
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Now I feel bad about feeling bad for you.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Don’t worry, squirt. You can’t do what sleeping on a dirt floor for 20 years couldn’t do. But Dirty Dave is gonna do everyone Dirty until I’m holding up the Helloween Cup. How much you think that’ll fetch at the pawn shop?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Jeez. I don’t know? With you as the winner? $30?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Thirty dollars American? Woo, doggy! That’s KFC and Night Train money right there! Sheik thinks he can get nasty, but no one gets nastier than ol’ Dirty Dave.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Why do you smell like cat food?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Y’ar what ya eat! Kilroy Evans makes me sick! He…
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You have something in your beard. Is that cat food?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: It’s cat food I threw up a couple days ago. Don’t interrupt! Now Kilroy makes me sick going out and talkin to them people in the crowd on his way to the ring. They think they better than Dirty Dave? Why? Just cause they don’t wear repurposed trash bags for underwear? Just cause they don’t eat dogs?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Why do you eat dogs?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Cause they try and eat Dirty Dave’s cat food! They got one feller that’s too scared to say who he is in this here Helloween battle royal. I ‘spect it’s just Jonnie ain’t got no one else willing to get in the ring with ol’ Dirty Dave Dixon! Doc Holiday’s gracing us with his presence once again, gotta be sure to thank him when I’m raking his pretty face cross that barbed wire. We got Harvey van Houten, Milhouse’s uncle, who smells better than Dirty Dave, and gives Dirty Dave some confusing thoughts! Now, Johnny Sniper. He’s cool. He comes down to the shelter some times for the free soup. (slides back under Kevin’s car) Now lemme get back to work on this flywheel.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Carburetor.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (slides back out from under the car) Boy, there ain’t no carburetor under the car!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: There you have it fans, “Dirty” Dave Dixon in the Helloween Cup!
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (wiping his hands with a dirty rag) That carburetor isn’t coming out willingly, that’s for dang sure.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: I told you, I don’t think anything’s wrong with my car. And I don’t think the carburetor is under my car.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (points his finger) Don’t sass me or I’ll knock your dick in the dirt, son!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Sorry, forget I said anything. Let’s change the subject. How do you like your chances in the 2024 Hardkore Helloween Cup coming up?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (smiles, showing his missing and a broken teeth) Oh, I like ‘em just fine. I ain’t ‘fraid a no barbed wire, see? Cause barbed wire can’t do nothing life hasn’t already done to my face. Look at me, boy. I’m ugly, ain’t I?
Kevin is taken aback. He looks around at how he’s in the middle of nowhere, deciding that he shouldn’t anger the guy fixing his only means of escape
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I wouldn’t say that.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: You can say it.
Kevin and Dave talk over one another
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I was going to say…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: It’s no secret…
Kevin Valentine Jr.: No, I think you have a very distinct…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: I’m a big boy, I can take it.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: It’s not that at all…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Out with it!!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (startled) Ok, you are a comely, unsightly beast.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (stunned) Oh…I guess I can’t take it. That actually hurts my feelings.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: (nervous) Oh, hey. I’m sorry. You said…
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (bursts out laughing the hoarse laugh of ten thousand cigarettes)
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Now I feel bad about feeling bad for you.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Don’t worry, squirt. You can’t do what sleeping on a dirt floor for 20 years couldn’t do. But Dirty Dave is gonna do everyone Dirty until I’m holding up the Helloween Cup. How much you think that’ll fetch at the pawn shop?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Jeez. I don’t know? With you as the winner? $30?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Thirty dollars American? Woo, doggy! That’s KFC and Night Train money right there! Sheik thinks he can get nasty, but no one gets nastier than ol’ Dirty Dave.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Why do you smell like cat food?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Y’ar what ya eat! Kilroy Evans makes me sick! He…
Kevin Valentine Jr.: You have something in your beard. Is that cat food?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: It’s cat food I threw up a couple days ago. Don’t interrupt! Now Kilroy makes me sick going out and talkin to them people in the crowd on his way to the ring. They think they better than Dirty Dave? Why? Just cause they don’t wear repurposed trash bags for underwear? Just cause they don’t eat dogs?
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Why do you eat dogs?
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: Cause they try and eat Dirty Dave’s cat food! They got one feller that’s too scared to say who he is in this here Helloween battle royal. I ‘spect it’s just Jonnie ain’t got no one else willing to get in the ring with ol’ Dirty Dave Dixon! Doc Holiday’s gracing us with his presence once again, gotta be sure to thank him when I’m raking his pretty face cross that barbed wire. We got Harvey van Houten, Milhouse’s uncle, who smells better than Dirty Dave, and gives Dirty Dave some confusing thoughts! Now, Johnny Sniper. He’s cool. He comes down to the shelter some times for the free soup. (slides back under Kevin’s car) Now lemme get back to work on this flywheel.
Kevin Valentine Jr.: Carburetor.
“Dirty” Dave Dixon: (slides back out from under the car) Boy, there ain’t no carburetor under the car!
Kevin Valentine Jr.: There you have it fans, “Dirty” Dave Dixon in the Helloween Cup!
