Tried to amend my carnivorous habits!
Oct 22, 2024 9:53:07 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, Kilroy, and 2 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Oct 22, 2024 9:53:07 GMT -5
(The camera pans across a luxurious, top floor, presidential suite in a Honolulu hotel. Dana "The Drone" Daniels, dressed in a bathrobe, stands on the balcony overlooking the beach. He hits the button on a remote control and sultry sax music plays.)
Ollie: He means Florida Man. Marty did the right thing, Dad. The fans might not like it, but I know Flo was the murderer…of somebody, somewhere at some point.
Ollie: No, I don't.
Marty: It's literally her least favorite thing about me. Even more than the parlay bets.
Deacon: We'll kill two birds with one stone. You break up with Marty Mouse here and I'll see if any of the other fellas in my battle royal are men's men. The toughest one can take you out to Applebees.
Ollie: Dad. No.
Deacon: I see some potential in that Wilder. Blue collar man. Can tell he's worked with his hands all his life. A noble profession, that railway. I doubt Mr.Donovan has ever even heard of Casey Jones.
Marty: I'm not an idiot, Deacon. He was friends with the Ninja Turtles.
Ollie: I think I'm going to be sick.
(Phil Blauer leans his head out of a room.)
Phil: Well you better use the bathroom on the northside. I just got the jacuzzi fired up over here.
Ollie: PHIL?!?
Phil: Don't worry, Marty. I've been secretly following Kilroy around for a scathing expose on his mistreatment of widowers. I got the whole scheme on camera. Disgusting. Some people have no respect for personal space. By the way, do you know how to open this?
(Phil holds up a bottle of champagne.)
Marty: Everyone listen to the world’s champion! Pack your shit up now. I want you all gone by the time Olivia and I get back from lunch.
(Tinto, wearing a minecraft swimsuit and a Bray Wyatt Fiend mask, spider walks into the room.)
Tinto: Speaking of which, how many more burgers should we get? I went ahead and ordered 12, but we might want to bump that up to 18.
Marty: DID YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE?
Tinto: It's okay Mr. Marty. The food doesn't cost anything. We had a huge breakfast earlier and they didn't ask for a single dollar!
Marty: BECAUSE THEY JUST ADD IT TO MY BILL, TINTO!
Tinto: Who is Tinto? I'm Mr. Rip N' Terror, the twisted psychopath that makes wrestlers drop dead from fear alone!
Dana: You're wearing a Paw Patrol life vest.
Tinto: Only so I can float in the pools of Sheik's blood. I'm going to be the secret entrant in Helloween #2.
Phil: Don't be ridiculous. You're not the secret entrant. It’s me. You’re probably in Battle Royal #4, that one has too many pretty boys like Nobody and Tux. It needs someone with the animalistic brutality of a Party City mask.
Marty: Everybody out! You’re ruining our vacation!
(The Salford Squid, who is doing hindu squats, pokes his head in the front door.)
Squid: You realize this isn’t a vacation, right? You’re defending the title against Dan Stein.
Ollie: Squidy, why are you working out in the hallway?
Squid: Because I’m not a weirdo that goes into other peoples’ rooms.
Ollie: Thank you. We appreciate that.
Marty: I mean, sure, on paper we have a title match. Dan is a close friend though. He’s not going to jeopardize that. This is a twenty minute draw for the local fisherman. Some light grappling and we hug at the end.
(Everyone looks skeptical.)
Marty: Who here thinks Punisher is going to try and win the title?
(Every hand in the room goes up. Marty flips his lid.)
Marty: Are you freaking kidding me!?! Do you know how much crap I ate on the flight over? I’ve been friends with the guy for two decades and he can’t even send me a courtesy text. “Hope the family is well. BTW, you should train for our world title match.” This is absurd.
(Marty tosses his suitcase in frustration.)
Marty: Why are we even having this match? I beat him at Helloween 2006. I wasn’t even good at wrestling back then. There’s nothing left to settle. This is how he repays my kindness? I’m too generous of a tag partner. I got Dan his cushy gig in The Anointed.
Phil: Yeah and you got Florida Man the gas chamber!
(Marty whips out his phone and scrolls through contacts.)
Marty: I’m calling this piece of trash. What did I have him in here as? Lackey #1? Heater #1! Oh, Big Fucking Idiot! That sounds like Danny.
(Marty calls the number and the phone in Deacon’s pocket starts ringing. Everyone in the room looks nervous as the veteran glares at the oblivious Donovan. The room service cart wheels in and Tinto waves to it.)
Dana: Soak it in, Jodie. What a view. It's like something out of a postcard. The ocean, the mountains, the palm trees. Could it BEE any more romantic?
(Dana turns to the camera.)
Dana: Imagine it. Sun, surf and a second chance. A second chance to take me back and live a life of luxury, Jodie. A life you deserve. And guess what? When I win the Hardkore Helloween tournament, you’ll have the best seat in the house.
(Dana pulls off the bathrobe to reveal he’s only wearing the back half of a couple’s costume. This one is Slinky the dog from Toy Story. The character’s face drags across the ground sadly.)
Dana: Yes, honey! You will BEE ringside for history. The barbed wire doesn’t scare me. It can never match the pain of a stinger. So what do you say, baby?
(The camera pans to show Marty Donovan and Ollie Oldham, holding their suitcases and looking horrified.)
Marty: I would say get the hell out of our room before I toss you off the balcony.
Dana: Marty! Your room? There must be some kind of misunderstanding!
(Dana holds up a note.)
Dana: Jonnie sent me a letter and room key, saying it was a free upgrade for all my hard work.
(Marty bursts out laughing.)
Marty: Sounds like the boys played a rib on old bee-brain.
Dana: It has to be real! It even came with Waffle House coupons.
(Marty suddenly looks horrified.)
Marty: Wait.You’re not the one being ribbed. It’s me….KILROY!!!
Dana: That’s okay. This suite is huge. We can co-exist for a few days.
Marty: No, we can’t.
Dana: Really, this place is like a palace. You won’t even know I’m here.
Marty: I brought my girlfriend, Dana. Do I have to spell it out for you?
(Deacon Oldham steps out of one of the rooms and lights his cigar. He holds up a fake letter from Kilroy too. The color drains from Marty’s face.)
Deacon: Please, I was never any good at spelling.
Marty: We were planning to sit in separate rooms at all times and reflect on the brave men of Pearl Harbor.
Ollie: Dad! Listen to me, don’t enter Hardkore Helloween. It’s too dangerous at your age.
Deacon: Don’t lecture me on danger. None of these yum yums would last ten minutes in the navy.
Marty: I know you always like to humble brag about that Seal team six thing, but your daughter is right. Bosnian war criminals are a cake walk compared to Honor Knight!
(Deacon scoffs and blows smoke in Marty’s face.)
Deacon: I’m winning this little tournament and am going to use the prize money to liberate an old friend of yours. What was his name again? Oh, that’s right. Snake Boy!
(Marty gasps in horror.)
Marty: VILE VINCE VIPER!?!?
Deacon: Olivia, I could never wrap my head around what you liked about this doofus. Iit finally hit me. You don't love Marty. You just love that he is a pro wrestler.
Ollie: No, I don't.
Marty: It's literally her least favorite thing about me. Even more than the parlay bets.
Deacon: We'll kill two birds with one stone. You break up with Marty Mouse here and I'll see if any of the other fellas in my battle royal are men's men. The toughest one can take you out to Applebees.
Ollie: Dad. No.
Deacon: I see some potential in that Wilder. Blue collar man. Can tell he's worked with his hands all his life. A noble profession, that railway. I doubt Mr.Donovan has ever even heard of Casey Jones.
Marty: I'm not an idiot, Deacon. He was friends with the Ninja Turtles.
Ollie: I think I'm going to be sick.
(Phil Blauer leans his head out of a room.)
Phil: Well you better use the bathroom on the northside. I just got the jacuzzi fired up over here.
Ollie: PHIL?!?
Phil: Don't worry, Marty. I've been secretly following Kilroy around for a scathing expose on his mistreatment of widowers. I got the whole scheme on camera. Disgusting. Some people have no respect for personal space. By the way, do you know how to open this?
(Phil holds up a bottle of champagne.)
Marty: Everyone listen to the world’s champion! Pack your shit up now. I want you all gone by the time Olivia and I get back from lunch.
(Tinto, wearing a minecraft swimsuit and a Bray Wyatt Fiend mask, spider walks into the room.)
Tinto: Speaking of which, how many more burgers should we get? I went ahead and ordered 12, but we might want to bump that up to 18.
Marty: DID YOU CALL ROOM SERVICE?
Tinto: It's okay Mr. Marty. The food doesn't cost anything. We had a huge breakfast earlier and they didn't ask for a single dollar!
Marty: BECAUSE THEY JUST ADD IT TO MY BILL, TINTO!
Tinto: Who is Tinto? I'm Mr. Rip N' Terror, the twisted psychopath that makes wrestlers drop dead from fear alone!
Dana: You're wearing a Paw Patrol life vest.
Tinto: Only so I can float in the pools of Sheik's blood. I'm going to be the secret entrant in Helloween #2.
Phil: Don't be ridiculous. You're not the secret entrant. It’s me. You’re probably in Battle Royal #4, that one has too many pretty boys like Nobody and Tux. It needs someone with the animalistic brutality of a Party City mask.
Marty: Everybody out! You’re ruining our vacation!
(The Salford Squid, who is doing hindu squats, pokes his head in the front door.)
Squid: You realize this isn’t a vacation, right? You’re defending the title against Dan Stein.
Ollie: Squidy, why are you working out in the hallway?
Squid: Because I’m not a weirdo that goes into other peoples’ rooms.
Ollie: Thank you. We appreciate that.
Marty: I mean, sure, on paper we have a title match. Dan is a close friend though. He’s not going to jeopardize that. This is a twenty minute draw for the local fisherman. Some light grappling and we hug at the end.
(Everyone looks skeptical.)
Marty: Who here thinks Punisher is going to try and win the title?
(Every hand in the room goes up. Marty flips his lid.)
Marty: Are you freaking kidding me!?! Do you know how much crap I ate on the flight over? I’ve been friends with the guy for two decades and he can’t even send me a courtesy text. “Hope the family is well. BTW, you should train for our world title match.” This is absurd.
(Marty tosses his suitcase in frustration.)
Marty: Why are we even having this match? I beat him at Helloween 2006. I wasn’t even good at wrestling back then. There’s nothing left to settle. This is how he repays my kindness? I’m too generous of a tag partner. I got Dan his cushy gig in The Anointed.
Phil: Yeah and you got Florida Man the gas chamber!
(Marty whips out his phone and scrolls through contacts.)
Marty: I’m calling this piece of trash. What did I have him in here as? Lackey #1? Heater #1! Oh, Big Fucking Idiot! That sounds like Danny.
(Marty calls the number and the phone in Deacon’s pocket starts ringing. Everyone in the room looks nervous as the veteran glares at the oblivious Donovan. The room service cart wheels in and Tinto waves to it.)
Tinto: You can just set those up next to Mr. Marty’s corpse.