[STEELE] Commercial Success (End Of Days)

[Steele]

We fade in from black and are greeted with a close-up shot of Jackson Steele's face.

Steele: Hi - I'm Jackson Steele and I'm the Heavyweight Champion of the hottest wrestling organization in all of Bethesda, the AWF! I'd like to take a moment to talk to you today about something near and dear to my heart - wood. Now I'm considered somewhat of an expert on wood but there's one man who knows more than I do-

Director: CUT!

Steele: Oh come on!

The camera zooms out and we see Jackson is standing in the middle of a large carpet and flooring emporium.

Director: Jackson, can we please just stick to the script? "Hi I'm Jackson Steele, blah blah blah, when I need flooring I always head on down to, etc etc?"

Steele: I was ad-libbing, baby! It's what I do!

eXXXstacy: Maybe just stay on-script, hon.

Jackson pouts.

Steele: But I'm the star...

eXXXstacy: Don't get all big-headed because you're appearing in a commercial, Jackson. Just get in, do your bit, and then we can go. You can do that.

He sighs. He knows she's right but he doesn't want to admit it. He knows that HE is also right, he's a big star. He's the AWF Champion. He killed it in the End Of Days commercial. Maybe if the director could just see him grilling hot dogs over a barrel he'd understand the talent he's dealing with.

Steele: Fine. But just remember - when I make it big in Hollywood, I won't be asking YOU to direct any of my pictures!

He points to the cameraman/director. That'll show him.

Director: Can we take it from the top?

Steele: Fine. Let's do this and split. I've got a shoot for that lumber yard later on. Maybe they'll give me the creative freedom to use my "wood" line. Right then Hitchcock, where are we going from?

Director: Uh... the top.

Steele: Right. Gotcha. Ahem. "Hi - I'm Jackson Steele, AWF Heavyweight Champion - and whenever I feel like I want a shag in the bedroom-"

Director: CUT!

Steele: Oh for fuck's sake! I didn't think Americans even knew what "shag" means!

Director: I've seen Austin Powers you know!

eXXXstacy: Jackson will you just focus? Just read the words on the card!

Steele: You know that ain't me baby! Only time I let a director tell me what to do is when I'm balls-deep and distracted!

Director: We are NOT doing that for my commercial.

eXXXstacy: OK, so... why not treat this like a promo? You seem to be able to focus when you're cutting a promo. Say you're piledriving down prices! Or... something less cheesy.

Jackson says nothing, he just raises his eyebrows and then nods with resignation to her plan.

Director: Ok, from the top. Action!

Jackson takes his position and then starts to slowly walk towards the camera. Head down at first, then he looks up.

Steele: Oh. Hello there. I'm Jackson Steele, the AWF Champion.

The director/cameraman almost calls for a cut but eXXXstacy whispers something to him.

eXXXstacy: {He always starts his promos off like that, trust me it'll get better.}

Steele: You just caught me perusing the aisles at Crazy Al's Bargain Carpets and Flooring Emporium... because after a hard day in the gym or the ring, there's nothing I like better than relaxing with a good-quality carpet.

Director: {He better be fucking going somewhere with this...}

Steele: The sort of carpet you can take home to meet your mother. But if you're the sort of man who likes it a bit... smoother... then Crazy Al also carries a wide range of laminated flooring, vinyl, everything you could ever dream of to satisfy your throbbing flooring needs!

And speaking of throbbing - that's exactly how Curtis Kanyon's head is going to be feeling after I get through with him at the End Of Days!

Director: {What the hell is he talking about?}

eXXXstacy: {Just keep filming!}

Off-camera, eXXXstacy starts esticulating to Jackson, to try and get him to at least PARTIALLY plug the products.

Steele: Curtis, you're a tough old S.O.B. but the key word there is "old" - old, and worn out - but did you know you can breathe new life into an old, worn-out carpet with Crazy Al's own-brand Carpet Shampoo? Gets even the most stubborn of trodden-in stains and kicks them out!

Out! That's exactly where you're gonna go when it comes to the End Of Days, Curtis!

Down! Just like Crazy Al's prices!

Smashed! Just like his profit margins in order to bring YOU these great deals!

I used to lay chicks for a living, well now I'll be laying you out for the 1-2-3... which is ALMOST as quick as Crazy Al's professional team of carpet fitters can lay your new carpet for you! Now THAT'S fast!

Jackson stops next to one of many rolls of carpet on a shelf and runs a hand over it.

Steele: Whaddaya think, Curtis? Just $10 a square meter! Maybe I'll buy some of this to wrap your body up in after-

Director: Ok I think we've got enough! We'll stop short of threatening murder in the commercial, thankyou! I'm sure I can cut that down to fill a 20-second slot...

Steele: Oh come on! I got loads left!

eXXXstacy thanks the director and starts to lead Jackson away.

eXXXstacy: Let's leave it there, hon. You don't wanna start making death threats after what Kira said before. I don't think I could cope with any more caskets turning up in the house.

Steele: Ugh, that reminds me... I gotta do a commercial for the funeral home too. God I hope they don't make me get in one. Not after what happened last week.

Jackson and eXXXstacy leave through the front door as the scene fades to black.

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

*The scene opens with Curtis Kanyon on a fake boat, with a blue sky in the background, water waves made out of paper in front of said boat. Curtis is wearing a fisherman hat and his wrestling singlet.

Curtis: Hello there. By now, you’ve all heard of the great benefits of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray and caught way too many fish than you know what to do with? Oh, you say you haven’t, well then let’s fix that by going out to your local bait and tackle and demanding all their B.A.N.G. products! And tell them Curtis Kanyon sent you! Mention the code “Jackson Steel sucks a big bag of di—

*The video feed cuts out right at that moment and blips back into Curtis in a different position.*

Curtis: Mention the code, “Give the Real Deal!” and get 20% off, because I’m Curtis Kanyon, the Real F’n Deal, and I make sure you get the best BANG! for your buck.

*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. And waits… The feed cuts again and a blur flies past his face, hitting the ground with a loud “THUD.”*

Off-screen: Ow. Ow.

Curtis: Get u--

*The feed cuts again and now what appears to be Copycat in a fish costume is standing next to Curtis.*


Copycat: That smells great?

*The feed cuts again and now Copycat is gone. Curtis looks at the camera.*

Curtis: B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! It works better than Jackson Steele! It smells better than Jackson Steele! And it has a higher success rate than Jackson Steele! In fact, you could say it’s the Curtis Kanyon of Fish Attractant Sprays!

Director: That’s not in the script!

Curtis: I don’t care! You leave that in! And you make sure this next part is in too! Jackson Steele, that’s how it’s done! Don’t try to out-sell the master!

*Copycat rushes up next to Curtis.*

Copycat: That’s right! He’s a ma--

*The feed cuts yet again. It comes back without copycat and Curtis is looks left of the camera and talking, but he’s been muted. The logo for B.A.N.G. appears on screen over him.*

Voice Over: B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! It’s the real f’n deal! Available at fine retailers everywhere, as long as they sell fishing supplies.

*Scene fades.*