Showing you how it's done (Curtis RP - EOD)
Sept 26, 2017 17:39:08 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001), and 6 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Sept 26, 2017 17:39:08 GMT -5
**After Prestige 6. All we see is darkness.**
Curtis: Uuuhhh. Oh man… where… where am I?
*Some lights flicker. You didn’t think this was first person perspective from Daredevil did you? Curtis is seen sitting in a chair in what looks to be the boiler room of the baseball field.*
Curtis: Oh no, don’t tell me I’m in another one of those “Saw” situations.
*Curtis (and the camera) look over to the left, and Copycat is laying on a bed, with his butt up in the air.*
Curtis: Oh, I AM NOT DIGGING IN THERE! JUST KILL ME NOW JIGSAW!
*The door BURSTS open! I’m serious, it’s like, really loud when the door hits the wall you guys! Anyway, a bright light from the other side of the door makes the giant figure standing in the doorway cast in shadow. The figure emerges into the room and is none other than Beanz!*
Copycat: Uh…where, where am I?
*Copycat looks up and then jumps up into the air like…well…like a scaredy cat. I don’t intend to make a pun, but there’s really no better way to describe it. He scrambles back into the corner, cowering in fear.*
Curtis: Calm down Copy!
*Curtis stands up.*
Curtis: I realize where we are now. Good job son!
*Curtis extends his hand out to Beanz. Beanz looks down at it, then looks at Copycat, then looks back at the hand. He reaches out, and shakes it!*
Beanz: Ah, bloody hell, no worries mate! Dem boy’s were being a proper workyticket! I tell ya!
Copycat: Dafuq is happening here?
Curtis: Oh, right. Copycat, meet Beanz. Beanz is now your personal slav—I mean serva—I mean, bodyguard?
Copycat: Oh?
Curtis: I mean, you actually did better out there than I anticipated. But, you know, I’ve seen how Fezzik—
Copycat: Felix
Curtis: --Felix treats you. I’ve seen how the boys laugh at you. I’ve seen how Bradshaw didn’t pay you all that much and only when he felt like it. Well, I’m fixing his wrongs. And that starts with our boy Beanz! He’s going to be watching over you, in the ring and out!
Beanz: Anybody crosses you, I’m goin’ ta be a proper radgie!
Copycat: I don’t know what that means, but thanks?
Beanz: Cheerio. Now, where’s me scran, I’m clamming?
Curtis: Uh… hold on.
*Curtis pulls a book out of the back of his tights. Apparently, it was there during the match? The cover reads “Newcastle to English dictionary.”*
Curtis: Ah… here you go.
*Curtis reaches into his tights again and pulls out a can of BBQ Baked Beans and hands it to Beanz. He lights up like a Christmas tree, figuratively, and immediately looks for his can opener.*
Curtis: Copycat, I should mention, to save money, he lives here. Ipso facto, that also means you live here now. Enjoy the new digs!
Copycat: I have a roof over my head!? SWEET!
*Curtis leaves the two new roommates to get better acquainted with each other.*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Casa de Curtis. Poolside. A few days later**
*Curtis sits at the side of the pool in a lounge chair. His wife and kids are swimming in the pool in the background. Pedro is looking pretty good for a young, college aged lad. Little Pepito, who’s around 8 or so, has floaties. His wife Esmerelda, wowza! She’s got curves in all the right places. Oh man, I could just-- oh, us, sorry, anyway… Curtis notices the camera man.*
Curtis: Ah, lovely, you’ve arrived. Sorry, it’s such a nice, relaxing, wonderful day. I need to get in a zone, get in a mood. Hold on, gotta find myself.
*Curtis stands up out of the chair and gets closer to the camera. He takes a deep breath and stares at his fist.*
Curtis: JACKSON STEELE! ACTION JACKSON!
*His family continues to swim on without a flinch. Normal for them, I guess?*
Curtis: Listen here, champ! I’m proud of you. Sorry, you not expecting that? Look, you’re the AWF champion, and I’m putting my money into AWF. So you being the sexy face of the brand is actually good. You’re a competent wrestler, you’ve got some sweet moves, and the ladies love to watch you. So ticket sales are good, and that makes me happy. I get a return on my investment. That’s fantastic really. Helps me for the upkeep for all this.
*Curtis waves his arms to show off the pool and the mansion in the background. Pretty swanky really.*
Curtis: But I have a few problems. Problem one, you want to come out and call me old? I’m sorry kid, is this your first rodeo? I’m sorry if my being a seasoned vet scares you. I’m sorry if the fact that I’m older makes you worried. You want to pass it off as if I’m some old fogie who’s days away from turning into dust, and if that’s what you need to do to feel better about the beating you’re going to get, then keep doing what you’re doing! You’re a big fish …in a small pond. A pond that I put food into! I may be older, but I’m wiser. I’ve been more places, I’ve held more championships, I’ve made more money than you can count. So don’t you dare be sour at me for maximizing my potential! You want to be me someday! You want to have MY life someday! But that day is not this day, and that day is not this tournament!
*Curtis takes a breath. Calms down a tad. Just a tad. He doesn’t want to lose that intensity though, but trying to keep his blood pressure in control. NOT DUE TO AGE!*
Curtis: Another problem, I gotta beat the crap out of you. I have to hurt my money making champion. I have to smash in that pretty face. I mean, sure you’ll have the ring rats, and maybe some nurses. But when I break your face, that’s going to hurt our bottom dollar. The majority of ladies will stop buying tickets when I beat you with the ugly stick. I have to knock you down a few pegs. I will break your will, I may break your spirit, and you may never be the same again. Which is bad for business. But once again, I’m already set! And let’s face it, you can be replaced if I absolutely have to. But you know what they say, sometimes to make an omel--
*The oldest boy, Pablo was it? No, no, Pedro. Pedro dives off the board and does a cannonball, splashing his father.*
Curtis: Damnit, you scamp! I lost my train of thought. Well, anyway, Mr. Steele, that brings me to my next problem. You’re out there using your title and good looks to get endorsement deals? You’re trying to use that against me and mine? I come from a family line of endorsement connoisseurs! My late great brother was a financial mastermind! He was the face of Kraft Macaroni, he shelled out products left and right, he was a frickin’ pirate in Back to the Future IV!
*Pretty sure we’re not supposed to bring up that debacle. The lawsuit from the estate of Michael J. Fox put an NDA on reminding people of the match he was in, or any of the events that lead to the match.*
Curtis: Oh shit, my bad. Forget that last part. Anyway, I took over the family business and the family beatings. But one thing my bro never did, was win the End of Days Tournament. And what better way to honor him than tearing my way through this tournament and finally putting the name Kanyon on that trophy! I have to start with you Steele, and that is a big test, I know it. I’m not going to fool myself into taking you lightly. But if that’s what you need to do to step foot in the ring with a monster like me, then have fun. I’m going to continue my family legacy in that ring just like I have outside! I’ve got endorsement deals up the wazoo! I’m shelling out some amazingly awesome fish attractant spray, and if you’re smart enough to grab those stocks, you’re a future millionaire! In fac… wait a minute, that gives me a great idea! Stay here!
*Curtis runs off.*
Esmerelda: Dear! No running around the pool!
Curtis: Sorry!
*Curtis slows down. Then stops and walks back to the camera.*
Curtis: Actually, you’re the camera, you’re supposed to come with me. So shut up and follow me!
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Sound stage, Murphy Theater. Later that day.**
*That’s right, Murphy Theater in Ohio, so suck on that! Anyway, Curtis is on a set. Blue sky background, two dimensional boat, water waves made out of paper in front of said boat. Curtis is wearing a fisherman hat and his wrestling singlet. There’s a crew for filming running around set. Copycat, CK Owens, and Beanz are also chilling on set. CK is drinking coffee looking pretentious. People are generally avoiding Beanz, who has bean residue in his beard. Copycat looks rather smug, confident even. Probably due to the giant man tasked with standing by his side. Also, Copycat is wearing a fish costume, probably should have mentioned that first. Seems important. Curtis is reading a script. He sees the XHF camera off to the side and acknowledges it.*
Curtis: Finally on. All right, Steele, I hope you’re watching, I’mma show you how it’s done! ACTION!
Director: Excuse me, I yell action! Also, you’re still holding the script and not on marker!
Curtis: Oh…my bad.
*Curtis moves into position a throws the script away. He stares into the OTHER camera. The one that we can see from our vantage point through the XHF camera. Make sense?*
Director: ACTION!
Curtis: Hello there. By now, you’ve all heard of the great benefits of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray and caught way too many fish than you know what to do with? Oh, you say you haven’t, well then let’s fix that by going out to your local bait and tackle and demanding all their B.A.N.G. products! And tell them Curtis Kanyon sent you! Mention the code “Jackson Steel sucks a big bag of dicks” and get 20% off!
Director: CUT! CUT! That is not the discount code in the script!
Curtis: Oh, my bad. Sorry, just something on my mind.
Director: Let’s just take it from the actual discount code line, okay?
Curtis: Sure, sure.
Director: ACTION!
Curtis: Mention the code, “Give the Real Deal!” and get 20% off, because I’m Curtis Kanyon, the Real F’n Deal, and I make sure you get the best BANG! for your buck.
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. Then waits…and waits…and waits…*
Director: CUT!
Curtis: DAMNIT COPYCAT! That was your cue!
Copycat: CK, you were supposed to reminid me!
*CK shrugs*
Curtis: Beanz, can you be in charge of making sure he enters on time!
Beanz: Dee as yer telt Copycat!
Copycat: O-kay!
*Copy gives a thumbs up.*
Director: Just spray the can again and go from there. ACTION!
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. And waits…*
Copycat: Was that the cue?
Director: CUT!
Curtis: BEANZ!
Beanz: I got it this time boss!
Curtis: Thank you.
*Beanz grabs Copycat by the back of the costume and lifts him overhead.*
Copycat: Wait—wait—I’ll do it right—
Director: ACTION!
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. again This time, Beanz hurls Copycat at Curtis, who side steps and Copycat flies in between him and the other camera with a loud “THUD.”*
Copycat: Ow. Ow.
Curtis: Get up kid…you have a line.
*Curtis stares at him for a few seconds. Then shakes his head and disappointment and yanks him up off the floor. Copycat dusts himself off.*
Copycat: Um…uh… LINE!?
Director: Damnit, just keep rolling, we’ll fix it in post.
Copycat: Damnit, just kee—
Director: THAT’S NOT YOUR LINE! You’re line, “That smells great.”
Copycat: That smells great?
Director: YES!
Copycat: Ok…ok… Eh hem. This is great!
Curtis: That wasn’t the line.
Copycat: That smells!
Curtis: I’m starting to see why Bradshaw didn’t have you under contract.
Copycat: Hey, I do what I can!
Curtis: That wasn’t a compliment. Ugh. BEANZ!
*Beanz walks over and picks up Copycat, then walks off. Curtis looks back at the other camera.*
Curtis: B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! It works better than Jackson Steele! It smells better than Jackson Steele! And it has a higher success rate than Jackson Steele! In fact, you could say it’s the Curtis Kanyon of Fish Attractant Sprays!
Director: That’s not in the script!
Curtis: I don’t care! You leave that in! And you make sure this next part is in too! Jackson Steele, that’s how it’s done! Don’t try to out-sell the master!
*Copycat rushes up next to Curtis. This can’t end well.*
Copycat: That’s right! He’s a master salesman and a master debater!
*Curtis shoves Copycat away. Told ya.*
Curtis: Director, take that part out.
*Curtis turns to the XHF camera, noting he’s done with the commercial.*
Curtis: I’m the Real F’n Deal, and I’m going to destroy Jackson Steele!
CK Owens: You were a poet and didn’t know it!
*Curtis stares angrily at CK Owens. I mean, he gets one line in this whole promo, and that’s it? What a waste of an opportunity! Right? Anyway, Curtis slaps the coffee out of CK’s hands and storms off set. The director just shakes his head, wondering what he’s done with his life to end up at this point.*
**Scene fades.**
Curtis: Uuuhhh. Oh man… where… where am I?
*Some lights flicker. You didn’t think this was first person perspective from Daredevil did you? Curtis is seen sitting in a chair in what looks to be the boiler room of the baseball field.*
Curtis: Oh no, don’t tell me I’m in another one of those “Saw” situations.
*Curtis (and the camera) look over to the left, and Copycat is laying on a bed, with his butt up in the air.*
Curtis: Oh, I AM NOT DIGGING IN THERE! JUST KILL ME NOW JIGSAW!
*The door BURSTS open! I’m serious, it’s like, really loud when the door hits the wall you guys! Anyway, a bright light from the other side of the door makes the giant figure standing in the doorway cast in shadow. The figure emerges into the room and is none other than Beanz!*
Copycat: Uh…where, where am I?
*Copycat looks up and then jumps up into the air like…well…like a scaredy cat. I don’t intend to make a pun, but there’s really no better way to describe it. He scrambles back into the corner, cowering in fear.*
Curtis: Calm down Copy!
*Curtis stands up.*
Curtis: I realize where we are now. Good job son!
*Curtis extends his hand out to Beanz. Beanz looks down at it, then looks at Copycat, then looks back at the hand. He reaches out, and shakes it!*
Beanz: Ah, bloody hell, no worries mate! Dem boy’s were being a proper workyticket! I tell ya!
Copycat: Dafuq is happening here?
Curtis: Oh, right. Copycat, meet Beanz. Beanz is now your personal slav—I mean serva—I mean, bodyguard?
Copycat: Oh?
Curtis: I mean, you actually did better out there than I anticipated. But, you know, I’ve seen how Fezzik—
Copycat: Felix
Curtis: --Felix treats you. I’ve seen how the boys laugh at you. I’ve seen how Bradshaw didn’t pay you all that much and only when he felt like it. Well, I’m fixing his wrongs. And that starts with our boy Beanz! He’s going to be watching over you, in the ring and out!
Beanz: Anybody crosses you, I’m goin’ ta be a proper radgie!
Copycat: I don’t know what that means, but thanks?
Beanz: Cheerio. Now, where’s me scran, I’m clamming?
Curtis: Uh… hold on.
*Curtis pulls a book out of the back of his tights. Apparently, it was there during the match? The cover reads “Newcastle to English dictionary.”*
Curtis: Ah… here you go.
*Curtis reaches into his tights again and pulls out a can of BBQ Baked Beans and hands it to Beanz. He lights up like a Christmas tree, figuratively, and immediately looks for his can opener.*
Curtis: Copycat, I should mention, to save money, he lives here. Ipso facto, that also means you live here now. Enjoy the new digs!
Copycat: I have a roof over my head!? SWEET!
*Curtis leaves the two new roommates to get better acquainted with each other.*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Casa de Curtis. Poolside. A few days later**
*Curtis sits at the side of the pool in a lounge chair. His wife and kids are swimming in the pool in the background. Pedro is looking pretty good for a young, college aged lad. Little Pepito, who’s around 8 or so, has floaties. His wife Esmerelda, wowza! She’s got curves in all the right places. Oh man, I could just-- oh, us, sorry, anyway… Curtis notices the camera man.*
Curtis: Ah, lovely, you’ve arrived. Sorry, it’s such a nice, relaxing, wonderful day. I need to get in a zone, get in a mood. Hold on, gotta find myself.
*Curtis stands up out of the chair and gets closer to the camera. He takes a deep breath and stares at his fist.*
Curtis: JACKSON STEELE! ACTION JACKSON!
*His family continues to swim on without a flinch. Normal for them, I guess?*
Curtis: Listen here, champ! I’m proud of you. Sorry, you not expecting that? Look, you’re the AWF champion, and I’m putting my money into AWF. So you being the sexy face of the brand is actually good. You’re a competent wrestler, you’ve got some sweet moves, and the ladies love to watch you. So ticket sales are good, and that makes me happy. I get a return on my investment. That’s fantastic really. Helps me for the upkeep for all this.
*Curtis waves his arms to show off the pool and the mansion in the background. Pretty swanky really.*
Curtis: But I have a few problems. Problem one, you want to come out and call me old? I’m sorry kid, is this your first rodeo? I’m sorry if my being a seasoned vet scares you. I’m sorry if the fact that I’m older makes you worried. You want to pass it off as if I’m some old fogie who’s days away from turning into dust, and if that’s what you need to do to feel better about the beating you’re going to get, then keep doing what you’re doing! You’re a big fish …in a small pond. A pond that I put food into! I may be older, but I’m wiser. I’ve been more places, I’ve held more championships, I’ve made more money than you can count. So don’t you dare be sour at me for maximizing my potential! You want to be me someday! You want to have MY life someday! But that day is not this day, and that day is not this tournament!
*Curtis takes a breath. Calms down a tad. Just a tad. He doesn’t want to lose that intensity though, but trying to keep his blood pressure in control. NOT DUE TO AGE!*
Curtis: Another problem, I gotta beat the crap out of you. I have to hurt my money making champion. I have to smash in that pretty face. I mean, sure you’ll have the ring rats, and maybe some nurses. But when I break your face, that’s going to hurt our bottom dollar. The majority of ladies will stop buying tickets when I beat you with the ugly stick. I have to knock you down a few pegs. I will break your will, I may break your spirit, and you may never be the same again. Which is bad for business. But once again, I’m already set! And let’s face it, you can be replaced if I absolutely have to. But you know what they say, sometimes to make an omel--
*The oldest boy, Pablo was it? No, no, Pedro. Pedro dives off the board and does a cannonball, splashing his father.*
Curtis: Damnit, you scamp! I lost my train of thought. Well, anyway, Mr. Steele, that brings me to my next problem. You’re out there using your title and good looks to get endorsement deals? You’re trying to use that against me and mine? I come from a family line of endorsement connoisseurs! My late great brother was a financial mastermind! He was the face of Kraft Macaroni, he shelled out products left and right, he was a frickin’ pirate in Back to the Future IV!
*Pretty sure we’re not supposed to bring up that debacle. The lawsuit from the estate of Michael J. Fox put an NDA on reminding people of the match he was in, or any of the events that lead to the match.*
Curtis: Oh shit, my bad. Forget that last part. Anyway, I took over the family business and the family beatings. But one thing my bro never did, was win the End of Days Tournament. And what better way to honor him than tearing my way through this tournament and finally putting the name Kanyon on that trophy! I have to start with you Steele, and that is a big test, I know it. I’m not going to fool myself into taking you lightly. But if that’s what you need to do to step foot in the ring with a monster like me, then have fun. I’m going to continue my family legacy in that ring just like I have outside! I’ve got endorsement deals up the wazoo! I’m shelling out some amazingly awesome fish attractant spray, and if you’re smart enough to grab those stocks, you’re a future millionaire! In fac… wait a minute, that gives me a great idea! Stay here!
*Curtis runs off.*
Esmerelda: Dear! No running around the pool!
Curtis: Sorry!
*Curtis slows down. Then stops and walks back to the camera.*
Curtis: Actually, you’re the camera, you’re supposed to come with me. So shut up and follow me!
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Sound stage, Murphy Theater. Later that day.**
*That’s right, Murphy Theater in Ohio, so suck on that! Anyway, Curtis is on a set. Blue sky background, two dimensional boat, water waves made out of paper in front of said boat. Curtis is wearing a fisherman hat and his wrestling singlet. There’s a crew for filming running around set. Copycat, CK Owens, and Beanz are also chilling on set. CK is drinking coffee looking pretentious. People are generally avoiding Beanz, who has bean residue in his beard. Copycat looks rather smug, confident even. Probably due to the giant man tasked with standing by his side. Also, Copycat is wearing a fish costume, probably should have mentioned that first. Seems important. Curtis is reading a script. He sees the XHF camera off to the side and acknowledges it.*
Curtis: Finally on. All right, Steele, I hope you’re watching, I’mma show you how it’s done! ACTION!
Director: Excuse me, I yell action! Also, you’re still holding the script and not on marker!
Curtis: Oh…my bad.
*Curtis moves into position a throws the script away. He stares into the OTHER camera. The one that we can see from our vantage point through the XHF camera. Make sense?*
Director: ACTION!
Curtis: Hello there. By now, you’ve all heard of the great benefits of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray and caught way too many fish than you know what to do with? Oh, you say you haven’t, well then let’s fix that by going out to your local bait and tackle and demanding all their B.A.N.G. products! And tell them Curtis Kanyon sent you! Mention the code “Jackson Steel sucks a big bag of dicks” and get 20% off!
Director: CUT! CUT! That is not the discount code in the script!
Curtis: Oh, my bad. Sorry, just something on my mind.
Director: Let’s just take it from the actual discount code line, okay?
Curtis: Sure, sure.
Director: ACTION!
Curtis: Mention the code, “Give the Real Deal!” and get 20% off, because I’m Curtis Kanyon, the Real F’n Deal, and I make sure you get the best BANG! for your buck.
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. Then waits…and waits…and waits…*
Director: CUT!
Curtis: DAMNIT COPYCAT! That was your cue!
Copycat: CK, you were supposed to reminid me!
*CK shrugs*
Curtis: Beanz, can you be in charge of making sure he enters on time!
Beanz: Dee as yer telt Copycat!
Copycat: O-kay!
*Copy gives a thumbs up.*
Director: Just spray the can again and go from there. ACTION!
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. And waits…*
Copycat: Was that the cue?
Director: CUT!
Curtis: BEANZ!
Beanz: I got it this time boss!
Curtis: Thank you.
*Beanz grabs Copycat by the back of the costume and lifts him overhead.*
Copycat: Wait—wait—I’ll do it right—
Director: ACTION!
*Curtis sprays the B.A.N.G. again This time, Beanz hurls Copycat at Curtis, who side steps and Copycat flies in between him and the other camera with a loud “THUD.”*
Copycat: Ow. Ow.
Curtis: Get up kid…you have a line.
*Curtis stares at him for a few seconds. Then shakes his head and disappointment and yanks him up off the floor. Copycat dusts himself off.*
Copycat: Um…uh… LINE!?
Director: Damnit, just keep rolling, we’ll fix it in post.
Copycat: Damnit, just kee—
Director: THAT’S NOT YOUR LINE! You’re line, “That smells great.”
Copycat: That smells great?
Director: YES!
Copycat: Ok…ok… Eh hem. This is great!
Curtis: That wasn’t the line.
Copycat: That smells!
Curtis: I’m starting to see why Bradshaw didn’t have you under contract.
Copycat: Hey, I do what I can!
Curtis: That wasn’t a compliment. Ugh. BEANZ!
*Beanz walks over and picks up Copycat, then walks off. Curtis looks back at the other camera.*
Curtis: B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! It works better than Jackson Steele! It smells better than Jackson Steele! And it has a higher success rate than Jackson Steele! In fact, you could say it’s the Curtis Kanyon of Fish Attractant Sprays!
Director: That’s not in the script!
Curtis: I don’t care! You leave that in! And you make sure this next part is in too! Jackson Steele, that’s how it’s done! Don’t try to out-sell the master!
*Copycat rushes up next to Curtis. This can’t end well.*
Copycat: That’s right! He’s a master salesman and a master debater!
*Curtis shoves Copycat away. Told ya.*
Curtis: Director, take that part out.
*Curtis turns to the XHF camera, noting he’s done with the commercial.*
Curtis: I’m the Real F’n Deal, and I’m going to destroy Jackson Steele!
CK Owens: You were a poet and didn’t know it!
*Curtis stares angrily at CK Owens. I mean, he gets one line in this whole promo, and that’s it? What a waste of an opportunity! Right? Anyway, Curtis slaps the coffee out of CK’s hands and storms off set. The director just shakes his head, wondering what he’s done with his life to end up at this point.*
**Scene fades.**
