Troy McClure (Curtis RP - EoD)
Sept 30, 2017 14:30:29 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Sept 30, 2017 14:30:29 GMT -5
**Fade in. Local Bait Shop.**
Curtis: So then I says, “Because your face doesn’t do it for me!” Ha ha ha!
*How about that for a cold open!? Anyway, the camera pulls out to see Curtis in a bait shop, talking to the man behind the counter. He’s also laughing. What a funny joke that we just barely missed.*
Curtis: All right all right, so another one, ready, what’s the difference between peanut butter and jam.
Shop Owner: I don’t know, what?
Curtis: You can’t—oh, sorry, the cameras here, we’ll get back to that.
Shop Owner: Aw man.
Curtis: Hello camera! Hello Jackson if you’re watching! I’m here at the bait shop. I’m back in Ohio for the show this weekend. And I just came in to check the inventory of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray, and I was told local celebrity, you, came in and bought some!
Shop Owner: Sure did!
Curtis: I didn’t know you were a master baiter Jackson! I mean… I figured you didn’t need to be with all the things I’ve seen.
Shop Owner: I also got him to sign my copy of “Indiana Bones and the Temble of Boob.”
Curtis: Yeah I …boob? Singular?
Shop Owner: Yea, I’m into the amputee stuff.
Curtis: Well then…I’m going to walk away now…
*Curtis indeed walks away from the counter and hangs out near the tackle boxes.*
Curtis: I was deceived by my eyes. You’re not the person I thought you were. I mean, you didn’t look like a fisherman to me. I mean, you had plenty of people hooked onto your dangler, but not fish! Wait… fishing is just fishing for you right? This isn’t some sort of… fish love thing right? Not some sort of Troy McClure thing, you’re not into fishdicks are you? What am I saying, your with Exxxstacy, if she doesn’t keep you away from your weird fish fetish, I don’t know what’s wrong with you! I mean, the only other explanation would be that my commercial actually influenced you. Which I guess would prove my merch selling prowess. B.A.N.G. stock has risen a lot ever since I got back on TV, so I guess that makes more sense. But just in case, Steele, fish are made for eating, okay?
*Curtis might be confused about why Jackson Steele wants to fish…but then again, given his past, maybe he’s right? What do I know, I’m just a narrator/descriptor. But if it is as bad as he suspects, shame on you Mr. Steele! Anyway, Curtis walks down the aisle and finds the pyramid of B.A.N.G. Aerosal cans with a cardboard cut-out of himself standing next to it. He walks by and the cardboard arm holding a cardboard aerosol spray moves up and down.*
Cardboard Curtis:BANG!
Curtis: Now this is a sexy beast. I could do naughty things to this cardboard. That’s not weird right? I mean it’s basically mast—I’m getting off track, sorry.
*Curtis waves his hand in front of the cutout again and the crude animation starts anew.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: That’s right my cardboard robot friend. Steele is going to feel… the…
*Curtis waves his hand*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
**Fade ou—
Curtis: HEY HEY! I’m not done!
*That’s usually his close out catch phrase, sorry, I got confused.*
Curtis: Look Steele, I’ve been where you are. I remember when I couldn’t pay the rent, I couldn’t get respect. I pushed all my detractors out of the way, I worked hard, and that’s right, I eventually became the governor of Puerto Rico. But you weren’t around for that story, so I’ll skip ahead to where I was down on my luck again and joined this crazy wrestling world. I know being a male pornstar doesn’t pay much, guys are a dime a dozen. I’m sure Exxy was footing all your bills until you happened upon AWF. You’re passion to make it to the top is so inspirational! You’re the man of AWF now, and no one can take that away! I’ve been there too, you know, not AWF, but multiple somewhere elses. You’ve got the drive, you’ve got the power, you’ve even got the glory. But you have to understand that even though you’re making great progress, I am just on another level. With my financial backing and Fezzick’s—
Cameraman: Felix.
Curtis: Felix’s…whatever he does, and that dead guys widow, we’re going to push AWF up into the next level and the cornerstone of the XHF Network. With you as our champion, you will be piggie backed to the next level as well. So you should be kissing my feet and thanking me for giving you this opportunity. But for Thor’s sake, is that what you do? NO! You call me old and washed up and out of place! Seriously man, what the hell!? That’s why I have to knock you down a peg with a…
*Curtis walks past his cardboard.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: He know’s what’s up. So yeah, of course I’m out to win EoD and honor the spirit of my brother. I mean, I’m trying to fulfill destiny here. My destiny to make the family name shine bright. The fire inside me burns to make the most of what I can for me and mine. Not just to honor the dead, but to uplift my children, make a good example of them. Thanks to you, I’m going to show them that it’s never okay to be cast aside. To be thought of as an afterthought. I will not be denied! I’m going to go out there and give you every ounce of me …brutality-wise not bodily fluid wise, just so we’re clear… and show them that the Kanyon family does not lie down. The Kanyon name will be emblazoned on that trophy, or I will die trying. You just look at this as another step in raising your star power. And that’s the difference. That’s the lesson I’m going to make in that ring when we go toe to toe. When I say I’m going to humble you, I mean it. You’re going to feel worse than the frost giants when I get through with you. But after they were defeated, they became a better part of the kingdom, and that’s what’s going to happen to you to Steele. So don’t feel bad, this is for your own good.
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
*Uh...Curtis didn't move...*
Curtis: Jigga-what?
*Curtis looks over and Copycat is standing in front of the cardboard! Jigga-what?*
Copycat: Sup!
Curtis: What are you doing here? I don't remember calling you over.
Copycat: You didn't, I saw it on Steele's snaps, and wanted to come down to see if they'd buy my fish costume.
*Copycat shows the costume from the commercial.*
Curtis: I thought that was a loner?
Copycat: They let me keep it. Something about the smell. Anyway, the owner didn't want it, so Beanz offered to haggle for me!
*The camera pans over to see Beanz holding the shop keep upside down by the ankles. CK Owens is putting things in his pocket.*
CK Owens: I don't like to fish, ...but it's so easy to grab things with those two distracted.
*The camera bans back.*
Curtis: As long as he doesn't steal any B.A.N.G.
Copycat: Hey uh, since we're here, can you buy me some fish food or something? All we have back at the crib is cans of beans. I didn't know his name was so literal.
Curtis: Beans are good for you. I heard they're magical fruit. But maybe I'll get you a Whopper on the way home. Let me just finish my thing here.
*Copycat's eyes light up.*
Curtis: Jackson Steele, a great guy, a lot of fun, but about to be schooled by the main man. You're about to feel what it's like to be with the real f'n deal. And now...cue it up announcer--
*Narrator.*
Curtis: Narrator man... Mr. Steele... You will... feel... the... BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
*Now he's in front of the cardboard cut out of himself, if you hadn't guessed.*
Curtis: No, I get the last word! BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG! FADE OUT ALREADY!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
*Copycat slowly backs away.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
*This looks like it's going to be going on for awhile, so...*
**Fade Out.**
Curtis: So then I says, “Because your face doesn’t do it for me!” Ha ha ha!
*How about that for a cold open!? Anyway, the camera pulls out to see Curtis in a bait shop, talking to the man behind the counter. He’s also laughing. What a funny joke that we just barely missed.*
Curtis: All right all right, so another one, ready, what’s the difference between peanut butter and jam.
Shop Owner: I don’t know, what?
Curtis: You can’t—oh, sorry, the cameras here, we’ll get back to that.
Shop Owner: Aw man.
Curtis: Hello camera! Hello Jackson if you’re watching! I’m here at the bait shop. I’m back in Ohio for the show this weekend. And I just came in to check the inventory of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray, and I was told local celebrity, you, came in and bought some!
Shop Owner: Sure did!
Curtis: I didn’t know you were a master baiter Jackson! I mean… I figured you didn’t need to be with all the things I’ve seen.
Shop Owner: I also got him to sign my copy of “Indiana Bones and the Temble of Boob.”
Curtis: Yeah I …boob? Singular?
Shop Owner: Yea, I’m into the amputee stuff.
Curtis: Well then…I’m going to walk away now…
*Curtis indeed walks away from the counter and hangs out near the tackle boxes.*
Curtis: I was deceived by my eyes. You’re not the person I thought you were. I mean, you didn’t look like a fisherman to me. I mean, you had plenty of people hooked onto your dangler, but not fish! Wait… fishing is just fishing for you right? This isn’t some sort of… fish love thing right? Not some sort of Troy McClure thing, you’re not into fishdicks are you? What am I saying, your with Exxxstacy, if she doesn’t keep you away from your weird fish fetish, I don’t know what’s wrong with you! I mean, the only other explanation would be that my commercial actually influenced you. Which I guess would prove my merch selling prowess. B.A.N.G. stock has risen a lot ever since I got back on TV, so I guess that makes more sense. But just in case, Steele, fish are made for eating, okay?
*Curtis might be confused about why Jackson Steele wants to fish…but then again, given his past, maybe he’s right? What do I know, I’m just a narrator/descriptor. But if it is as bad as he suspects, shame on you Mr. Steele! Anyway, Curtis walks down the aisle and finds the pyramid of B.A.N.G. Aerosal cans with a cardboard cut-out of himself standing next to it. He walks by and the cardboard arm holding a cardboard aerosol spray moves up and down.*
Cardboard Curtis:BANG!
Curtis: Now this is a sexy beast. I could do naughty things to this cardboard. That’s not weird right? I mean it’s basically mast—I’m getting off track, sorry.
*Curtis waves his hand in front of the cutout again and the crude animation starts anew.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: That’s right my cardboard robot friend. Steele is going to feel… the…
*Curtis waves his hand*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
**Fade ou—
Curtis: HEY HEY! I’m not done!
*That’s usually his close out catch phrase, sorry, I got confused.*
Curtis: Look Steele, I’ve been where you are. I remember when I couldn’t pay the rent, I couldn’t get respect. I pushed all my detractors out of the way, I worked hard, and that’s right, I eventually became the governor of Puerto Rico. But you weren’t around for that story, so I’ll skip ahead to where I was down on my luck again and joined this crazy wrestling world. I know being a male pornstar doesn’t pay much, guys are a dime a dozen. I’m sure Exxy was footing all your bills until you happened upon AWF. You’re passion to make it to the top is so inspirational! You’re the man of AWF now, and no one can take that away! I’ve been there too, you know, not AWF, but multiple somewhere elses. You’ve got the drive, you’ve got the power, you’ve even got the glory. But you have to understand that even though you’re making great progress, I am just on another level. With my financial backing and Fezzick’s—
Cameraman: Felix.
Curtis: Felix’s…whatever he does, and that dead guys widow, we’re going to push AWF up into the next level and the cornerstone of the XHF Network. With you as our champion, you will be piggie backed to the next level as well. So you should be kissing my feet and thanking me for giving you this opportunity. But for Thor’s sake, is that what you do? NO! You call me old and washed up and out of place! Seriously man, what the hell!? That’s why I have to knock you down a peg with a…
*Curtis walks past his cardboard.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: He know’s what’s up. So yeah, of course I’m out to win EoD and honor the spirit of my brother. I mean, I’m trying to fulfill destiny here. My destiny to make the family name shine bright. The fire inside me burns to make the most of what I can for me and mine. Not just to honor the dead, but to uplift my children, make a good example of them. Thanks to you, I’m going to show them that it’s never okay to be cast aside. To be thought of as an afterthought. I will not be denied! I’m going to go out there and give you every ounce of me …brutality-wise not bodily fluid wise, just so we’re clear… and show them that the Kanyon family does not lie down. The Kanyon name will be emblazoned on that trophy, or I will die trying. You just look at this as another step in raising your star power. And that’s the difference. That’s the lesson I’m going to make in that ring when we go toe to toe. When I say I’m going to humble you, I mean it. You’re going to feel worse than the frost giants when I get through with you. But after they were defeated, they became a better part of the kingdom, and that’s what’s going to happen to you to Steele. So don’t feel bad, this is for your own good.
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
*Uh...Curtis didn't move...*
Curtis: Jigga-what?
*Curtis looks over and Copycat is standing in front of the cardboard! Jigga-what?*
Copycat: Sup!
Curtis: What are you doing here? I don't remember calling you over.
Copycat: You didn't, I saw it on Steele's snaps, and wanted to come down to see if they'd buy my fish costume.
*Copycat shows the costume from the commercial.*
Curtis: I thought that was a loner?
Copycat: They let me keep it. Something about the smell. Anyway, the owner didn't want it, so Beanz offered to haggle for me!
*The camera pans over to see Beanz holding the shop keep upside down by the ankles. CK Owens is putting things in his pocket.*
CK Owens: I don't like to fish, ...but it's so easy to grab things with those two distracted.
*The camera bans back.*
Curtis: As long as he doesn't steal any B.A.N.G.
Copycat: Hey uh, since we're here, can you buy me some fish food or something? All we have back at the crib is cans of beans. I didn't know his name was so literal.
Curtis: Beans are good for you. I heard they're magical fruit. But maybe I'll get you a Whopper on the way home. Let me just finish my thing here.
*Copycat's eyes light up.*
Curtis: Jackson Steele, a great guy, a lot of fun, but about to be schooled by the main man. You're about to feel what it's like to be with the real f'n deal. And now...cue it up announcer--
*Narrator.*
Curtis: Narrator man... Mr. Steele... You will... feel... the... BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
*Now he's in front of the cardboard cut out of himself, if you hadn't guessed.*
Curtis: No, I get the last word! BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG! FADE OUT ALREADY!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
*Copycat slowly backs away.*
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
Cardboard Curtis: BANG!
Curtis: BANG!
*This looks like it's going to be going on for awhile, so...*
**Fade Out.**
