[STEELE] Fatal Attraction Part 2: Electric Boogaloo (EOD 1)

[Steele]

NOTE: This RP will make more sense if you read Curtis' RP first as it is a direct response!

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The scene starts and we find ourselves - once again - outside The Hookup bait & tackle shop in Quaker City, Ohio. Seriously, what's with this place attracting wrestlers? Must be all the B.A.N.G! Fish Attractant spray...

We hear a sound coming from off-camera. It sounds like a whistle, just a faint one in the distance. We hear another whistle - and the sound is getting closer. We soon find out where the whistling is coming from - as the camera pans to find Jackson Steele, eXXXstacy and Chardonnay traipsing along the street.

Wait - How long have they been in Quaker City?

Jackson is leading the group and he is alternating whistling and spraying something into the air from a small glass bottle. Of course - the bottle is "Steele by Jackson" - one spray is guaranteed to turn you into a pussy magnet.

Steele: Here Trixie! Here Lulu! Here... uh, the other one. Good girls! {whistle} ... {spray}

eXXXstacy: Jackson will you stop spraying that stuff around already? I think you need to have a word with the lab... it's turned you into the wrong kind of "pussy magnet!"

Behind the group a gaggle of cats follows. They look like some weird modern-day versions of the Pied Piper of Hamelin. But with cats, not rats.

Steele: Hey relax baby! This might be attracting to wrong kind of pussy but you forget - Trixie is absolutely crazy about cats! Soon as she sees all of these cute kitties she'll come running back!

eXXXstacy: Jackson, these cats are all feral. They're covered with mange! Besides, we've been here for two days - the girls are probably halfway to Cincinnati by now...

Chardonnay: Ooh - I've got a story about Cincinnati!

Steele: Oh yeah?

Chardonnay: I went there once!

Steele: ...

eXXXstacy: And?

Chardonnay: Oh that's it. This one time I went to Cincinnati.

Steele: Oh. Cool story. {sigh.} OK, fine. Let's check the bait shop and if they're not there then we'll head on back. I'll put out an ad for new girls.

eXXXstacy: Jackson!

Steele: What? It's not like they're kids or animals or something... they're just women.

eXXXstacy: I'm not even gonna begin trying to tell you what's wrong with that statement.

The trio head over to the bait shop and they push the door open... inside the place looks like a bombsite. Displays have been pushed over and raided, the register is upturned and empty. The only thing left intact is a big pyramid of B.A.N.G! Fish Attractant spray...

Steele: What the hell? Who'd want to rob a tackle shop?

eXXXstacy: Jackson... I don't like this. What if they're still in there?

Steele: Ha. You've obviously forgotten about my performance in Cocks and Robbers. If there IS anybody in there, they're gonna feel the long... er, arm... of the law!

Jackson pushes the door open the rest of the way and tiptoes inside. He scans the scene, and slowly edges his way round the big stack of Fish Spray.

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Jackson nearly has a heart attack as the ersatz Curtis threatens him with a spray can. He falls backwards through a rack of fishing magazines and lands on top of something soft.

Shop Owner: uuuuuuhhhh....

Steele: OH SHIT! NOW THERE ARE ZOMBIES!?

eXXXstacy and Chardonnay rush into the shop.

eXXXstacy: For Gods' sake Jackson, help him up!

They help the poor shopkeeper out from underneath the remains of his counter and help him onto a chair. Jackson pulls out his can of B.A.N.G! spray and squirts a couple of pumps underneath the shopkeeper's nose. He coughs and splutters as he starts coming round.

Shop Owner: {coughing} Oh Jesus... what the fuck is that? It smells like the inside of a... of a dead Frenchman or something...

eXXXstacy: What the hell happened here?

The shopkeeper blinks as the room spins around him. He looks at eXXXstacy, then Chardonnay, and finally at Jackson who has started snooping around the wreckage.

Shop Owner: Oh... my head... I don't remember... was I robbed?

eXXXstacy: It certainly looks like it... but why did they ransack everything but Curtis' product?

Shop Owner: ...

Chardonnay: Oooh is that perfume? Let me try!

eXXXstacy: Chardonnay wait!

Chardonnay grabs one of the cans - from the bottom of the pile - and sprays it liberally around her neck.

Chardonnay: Mmmmmmm.... aghh! I smell like poor people!

eXXXstacy hangs her head.

eXXXstacy: Great. She's going in YOUR car, Jackson. It already smells like Satan's asshole in there after you sprayed yourself.

She turns back to the shopkeeper.

eXXXstacy: Sir, can you remember anything about this?

Steele: Forget it, Stace. We might as well just call the police. You could quiz him all night long, it won't amount to a hill of beans.

The shopkeeper suddenly gets a wide-eyed look of pure terror.

Shop Owner: Beans? Beans? BEANS? BEANS?

Cardboard Curtis: BEANS!

Steele: Huh?

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Steele: Not you - him. Why did the word "beans" trigger you?

Shop Owner: There was a... oh god it was horrible!

Steele: Tell me! What do you know!?

He shakes the shopkeeper by the shoulders.

Shop Owner: Stop it! Stop it! Oh god it's all coming back! He wanted Beans! It's all he wanted! He held me upside down and kept shouting at me! Beans! Beans! Beans! Over and over!

Jackson furrows his brow.

Steele: This man who wanted beans. Did he have... accomplices?

The shopkeeper nods his head.

Shop Owner: Yes... yes... I remember! He came here with a... with a hobo... and a gremlin... and... and...

The shopkeeper chokes on his words, and points a finger just past Jackson.

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Steele: Curtis. Was Curtis here.

The shopkeeper slowly nods.

Steele: How did he know that I'd been here? Did you tell him?

The shopkeeper starts to look panicked.

Shop Owner: I... I...

Steele: God DAMMIT! I trusted you! Why do you think I came in here in disguise? I signed your copy of Indiana Bones!

His eyes dart round and he spots the signed porno DVD on the floor. He picks it up, slipping it inside his jacket before producing another, factory-sealed, usigned copy and tossing it down.

Steele: I'm taking my autograph back!

Chardonnay: I'll sign it!

Jackson points a finger at her.

Steele: You weren't eve in it! Anyway - he has to earn it! Now, you- talk! Why did Curtis come here? What did he want?

Shop Owner: He... he was doing one of those promo things that you wrestling types do... He said that you like... that you like fishdicks.

Steele: Fish sticks? Love 'em. Why would he focus on that? ... has he been spying on my late-night Omega 3 binges?

Shop Owner: He also said that... that you relied on her...

He points a finger at eXXXstacy.

Shop Owner: ...to pay the bills.

Steele: Now is that so? Now you listen to me, Curtis!

Curtis isn't here. A cardboard cutout is though, and Jackson makes do with that.

Steele: Now you listen here! I've never had to scrape by and live off of my co-stars! Sure, times were harder when I started out but believe me, you get paid a lot more when you just...

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Steele: ...a few guys, because that stuff pays very well indeed! I'm not ashamed about it - I was able to buy my first house by the age of twenty, and eight years later I'm fully paid up on my mansion in Canada as well as a modest middle-class house in Bethesda! I'm not short of a buck or two! I might not have Curtis Kanyon levels of money but you've got a few years' head start on me!

Shop Owner: About that... he took issue with you calling him... calling him old, too...

Steele: Again? OK, look - I'm sorry! I didn't realize it was such a sensitive issue!

He's still talking to the cardboard cutout which is kind of ironic because the thing itself is actually probably only a couple of weeks old at best.

Steele: Curtis, I was clutching at straws when I called you old and washed-up... the carpet gig was... well it wasn't exactly the high-point of my career. I mean, I thought a household name like myself - well, maybe not household name, but you get my drift... might be able to command a more - prestigious role, if you'll pardon the pun. I was in a bad place. I saw your match against Ezriel and T-Bone and I will happily sit down with a big bowl of my words and eat them all up because you definitely didn't look washed-up in that match given that you haven't been in the ring for a long.. time... shit. I didn't mean it like that!

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Steele: Hey I said I was sorry! Don't give me all that! But look, I gotta call a spade a spade. I'm not going to beat around the bush...

Chardonnay: You do that with me!

Jackson looks at her with a look that says something like "Why? Why now? What does that have to add to the conversation?"

Steele: I'm not gonna say that you-

Chardonnay: I still smell like poor people...

Steele: Will you just... can you just take her to play with the kitties or something, Stacey? She's putting me right off of my flow.

eXXXstacy ushers Chardonnay out of the shop and Jackson slowly shakes his head in disbelief. He turns back to the cutout.

Steele: Where was I? Oh yeah. Now look, I know now after watching that match last week that you're going to be a tough test. A very tough test. But you know what I do when I'm presented with a tough test? I overcome.

Jackson pauses and then looks up.

Steele: Oh yeah, she's not here. Damn, I should have kept her round for that one. Never mind - Curtis, I overcome my troubles and to date there's only one person who's been able to pin my shoulders down to the mat. Now the ball is in your court because I'm coming off the back of that defeat - but I'm not going to let you use it to your advantage - I'm going to use it to mine. I said what I said and I can't change that but really, I know that taking you out of the tournament is going to put me in a very good position. You're a veteran - VETERAN, NOT OLD - and by beating you I'll be able to start this tournament off with a-

Cardboard Curtis: ...

Steele: Oh. I said; "I'll be able to start this tournament off with a-"

He waves his hand in front of the cutout.

Cardboard Curtis: ...

Nothing.

Shop Owner: I think the battery's gone.

Steele: Ah nuts. That would have been pretty cool.

Shop Owner: Curtis already did it a load. That's prolly why the battery's gone.

Steele: Well anyway - I'll be able to start this tournament off with a bang! And I know you want to do exactly the same thing. So THAT'S why I'm gonna be bringing my A-Game. You could be 25 years old or you could be 250 - you're still Curtis Kanyon... entrepreneur, wrestler, hell - you're one of my bosses. I won't be taking you lightly. And when it's all said and done - one man will be left standing getting his hand raised - I know it'll be the better man. Now I don't plan on this being the case but- if this means I have to eat some humble pie then... well, I've eaten my fair share of pie... I think I could manage one more slice. But you know what - you don't get a body like this by eating pie, and this Sunday ain't gonna be my cheat day - so you can have my helping!

Shop Owner: Can I... can I have my DVD back now?

Jackson nods and reaches inside his jacket pocket. Just then the door bursts open and eXXXstacy rushes in, breathless.

eXXXstacy: Jackson! I f... I found them!

Jackson tosses the DVD down to the shopkeeper and turns to eXXXstacy.

Steele: Excellent! How did you find them?

For once eXXXstacy is the one looking embarrassed as Jackson looks on.

eXXXstacy: I... I don't wanna say.

Steele: It was the cats, wasn't it?

eXXXstacy: It was the cats, yes.

The four girls - Chardonnay, Trixie, Lulu and The Other One all stroll into the ruined shop, each cradling a cat. Trixie scratches the belly of one, and pops a large pus-filled boil, as another cat trails a dangling eyeball and optic nerve along The Other One's arm.

The girls: "Awwww!" "So cute!" "Can we keep 'em?" "My one just did what Jackson does! All up my arm!"

eXXXstacy: Uhhhh... no. We should probably find a car wash to run 'em through before we let them in the cars.

Steele: Mmm-hmm.

Jackson gets the girls to put the cats down before shooing the rest of the pack of strays away, to a chorus of disappointed groans from the girls. eXXXstacy leads them out of the shop.

eXXXstacy: Come on girls, let's go home and-

Cardboard Curtis: BANG!

Jackson turns back and points his index fingers at the cutout.

Steele: Ayyy! You got it!

With that he slips out of the door, and we fade to black.