Homecoming Queen
Oct 15, 2017 20:41:02 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by Slainmaker on Oct 15, 2017 20:41:02 GMT -5
** We are at an XHF fan convention arranged to coincide with the many fans gathering to attend the upcoming End of Days shows. A ring has been set up in the middle of the crowd for an impromptu set of dark matches as background entertainment. It is currently empty as the fans around are making the most of the event in other ways. 'Charlie Big Potato' by Skunk Anansie starts to play over the PA, hitting an XHF venue for the first time in years and gets a huge response from the crowd. An energised Slain makes his entrance dressed in his old ring attire for full throwback effect and dances through the hordes as if warming up for a match. On his travels he takes the sunglasses from the face of a fan before moving on out of reach and gifting them to an ecstatic child. On meeting the ring he slides in and soaks up the atmosphere, moving to the four sides in turn to stir up the fans in every corner of the building. When the music fades he's left standing on a turnbuckle. He hops back, turns into the centre of the ring and catches a microphone thrown for him. **
SLAIN:
You see that? Back in the big time right there. Where I've been we have to throw our own mics if we want to catch them. Long time no see, XHF army!
** The crowd cheer on cue. **
SLAIN:
Good to see the forces stuck together through peacetime and were ready to answer the call, because I heard there's a war coming. A Gold War for that which we all hold most dear. There are names involved that you all know very well, but there's another name you may not be familiar with. You saw her at the last End of Days show. Allow me to give her a formal XHF introduction.
** 'Wasted Years' by Iron Maiden kicks in as the lights dim. **
SLAIN:
Weighing in at a fluctuating number of pounds... Born of flame in the Godless bloodlands of time immemorial and currently residing in Bethesda, Ohio... She is the reigning, DEFENDING, undisputed heavyweight champion of eighteen worlds... The Beasting Carnage... The Queen that's easier to hype than to type... The O.G O.B... She is the XHF Network's undefeated X*Crown Champion AND she is the XHF Network's X*Crown Championship... I give you... þeeeeeee Ooooolde Boarg!
** Slain slides to the side of the ring and pulls the champion out from under the apron before holding her aloft. **
SLAIN:
Thob, everybody!
** He puts her down as the music fades out. **
SLAIN:
We haven't decided what her big league entrance is going to be at this point but we're both set on it using an excess of pyro so exuberant that it wouldn't have been possible before we left the Paris agreement. Loyal soldiers, my client may have been competing in the AWF, but make no mistake she is not just their champion she is yours. After years of the belts sitting in Harry's above-ground basement covered in old guacamole and head lice, they have returned home! Hurrah!
** The crowd largely go along with the prompt for cheers. **
VERY LOUD FAN:
It's a pig!
SLAIN:
It's epic indeed. As great an occasion as this is, the true homecoming comes at the End of Days Final. The tournament is always a big deal, but this year is special. Not only are the biggest fish from the Network's ponds coming together to clash for the first time, my client gets to see them fighting over the chance to share a ring with her. She'll be watching over them like an empress at the coliseum. It's entertainment of the highest order! Of course, she will have to get stuck in herself at one point in the night, but it shouldn't be a problem. You see, while fighters far and wide having been taking each other out in a nationwide survival of the fittest, your champion has a couple of challengers who didn't fancy the whole qualification bit. In fact, instead of the next challenger being the End of Days champion coming off of a three match network special winning streak, she's getting two men who have barely won an XHF match between them in years.
** There are 'oooh's from the crowd at this show of disrespect. **
SLAIN:
Hey it's been a long time getting here and I'm a little bit pent up. I know the two Networkers we're up against probably have two chauffeurs each, but me and the champ are grassroots talent. We had to make the trip ourselves when the gigs went nationwide. We've been trying to hitch lifts with stickshifts and every time we get to a venue you're all in another state already. The only way Thob was able to make it in time for the pole match was thanks to Fed-Ex. Yes I saw that match and I'll get to it later. It's been ages since I've had air time and I've got a list to get through so strap yourself in. If you're one of those people that hates it when wrestling shows have extended segments of non-wrestlers waffling on in the ring about a big upcoming match when you could be seeing some action, you should thank your lucky stars this isn't a wrestling show.
** Slain turns to address the camera directly. **
SLAIN:
Harry! What's this about a rematch clause? I know how signing contracts for wrestling bouts work. You walk into the office in your wrestling gear, get rowdy with the receptionist, tell everyone around how the other guy is going down, sign the contract in half a second with gigantic handwriting then you throw that pen down like you're hunting a rat. If there were any secret clauses in there I know you wouldn't have been the type to stop and read them. This is all going ahead because your best buddy Mongo wanted it to. This isn't even going to be your rematch! The night you lost the titles was your rematch. End of Days is going to be your rematch rematch! You came in, challenged the Queen, couldn't get the job done then got given a second chance at Fired Up. Did you take a look in the bookies, see that your odds against her were twenty to one and reckon if you lined up twenty attempts you'd get there eventually? Oh don't tell me, it's going to be the real Hardcore Harry this time! This time it's for realz, yo!
** A civilian breaks through security. He enters the ring and picks up Thob but collapses under her weight with her landing heavily on his chest. The crowd erupts in cheers as Slain kicks the body out of the ring. **
SLAIN:
Man, I could've just done that if I knew it was going to get a bigger pop. Where was I? Oh yeah the new Harry! Not the old Harry that decided he was going to revive his legacy by going out of his way to face someone he only saw as a joke, failed miserably, then did the same all over again. The old Harry that says the reason he sucked was because he was tricked. I'm a Hardcore Harry fan but even your fan club knows that comprehension was never your strong point. You flew out to Bethesda to get in the face of a competitor with a then one hundred percent record managed by if I say so myself one of the best managers that's ever managed to manage. The only thing you're a victim of is your own lack of intellect and a multiple-time whooping from a competitor who is on such a different level that you literally cannot comprehend what she even is. Right now you're acting like you've got two personalities and good luck pulling that one off because you only had half of one to start off with. You're a looney that's out of tune with reality. You've gone and hit the drink too hard again, produced a puddle of Campbell's vom soup and seen your face in it the same way other idiots see Jesus in their toast. And how's the new and improved Harry going to do things differently? By DOING THE EXACT SAME THING! Gah it makes me so angry!
** Slain looks around in a huff and slides out of the ring. He rummages under the apron and flings an arm behind him gesturing the crowds to step back. After a struggle he produces a table and slides it under the bottom rope. Once back in the ring he leans it up and unfolds each set of legs one by one. Then he stands it upright and flips it over. **
SLAIN:
That's how angry I am! She's holding the biggest prize in wrestling why is she wasting her time with you again? You were the thickest opponent she'd ever faced even while you were taking the medicine that makes your brain work! Before you were saying Thob was a pig. Now Mongo's a pig too. Congratulations everyone, we're all pigs! Just because the first face you snuggled up to when you came into this world looked like one, doesn't mean we all are. With a bit of luck you'll be on the toilet one day, look down to see that little baby pig between your legs and petrol bomb it to heaven in an attempt to try and get the world to respect you.
** Slain spins around to face another camera in the building, barely stopping for breath. **
SLAIN:
Venom! You got the success, the fame, the brand and everything else, but that name doesn't mean you deserve creepy cool spiders in your entrance. I was watching the Jackson Steele film 'Cockaphile Dundee and the Fuck-filled Twattypuss' and as venomous creatures go I think the platypus is a much better fit for you. I'm talking about the furry, freaky looking, near-endangered species with no stomach at all, let alone one for doing the right thing. I may be stretching the analogy by insinuating that you have no nipples. I'm not one hundred percent that you don't, but even those that claim you do struggle to produce a confident description of them when under oath.
** Slain visibly runs out of steam with the direction he's going in as some members of the crowd with pondering expressions start doing something on their phones. **
SLAIN:
Doesn't make much sense when someone describes an esteemed legend as an animal, does it? You happen to know why pigs are known for eating everything? Because they can handle toxins better than any other animal. They can eat indiscriminately, knowing that their body can easily take whatever poisons the rotting filth contains. Venom is a toxin, as you probably know, so even your little fantasy doesn't work in your favour. Don't ask me why I know so much about pigs I'm just clever.
** Slain takes off his shirt and throws it into the crowd. It is immediately thrown back at him. Unfazed, he puts the shirt back on and continues. **
SLAIN:
But enough animal farm. You're possibly the most decorated star that has ever set foot in the XHF. You were late to the party and you made it a bigger one. People would kill to be as revered as you are. That's why it kills me to see you whining, man. You've had it all and you're saying it wasn't enough, that you didn't get enough credit, enough praise. It didn't seem that way when the XHF held a retirement show in your honour. I was there. I chipped in for your leaving gift! It wasn't even mandatory. I wilfully volunteered to fulfil that obligation. I want my three dollars back, you shitmouth fraud! This isn't about the money. It's the principle and the money!
** Slain points to Thob. **
SLAIN:
You say you didn't get enough credit? This is what not getting credit looks like. Your feelings were hurt when some people said you weren't their favourite when you were making enough money to end world famine (which I notice you didn't)? How terrible! At least they acknowledged YOU WERE HUMAN! Tell me, V-nom nuts, during any of your esteemed reigns were you ever placed on a POLE!? You're a spoiled prat. Standing next to me is the XHF's X*Crown Champion. She doesn't come from the streets; I had to introduce her to them as an upgrade. She is now at the top of the mountain that you are celebrating being at the base of. She is the pinnacle of the wrestling world and every bit as accomplished as you were at your best, but just like with you there are dickheads out there who will make up anything to undermine that. You cannot bemoan your detractors now that you are one of them. It's natural not to acknowledge superiority when you're fighting against it. You're competing at End of Days for attention. The only reason Thob's going to destroy you at End of Days is because it's a full time job for me to stop her from doing it before then. The champ is fighting fit! She's dined on fine wines and pork rinds! You ask your Dad Scorpion about how good those rinds are, then while you're catching up and comparing arachnid themes ask how good of a beating he took when he went toe to toe with the CEO of beating O. The second O stands for OAPs.
** Slain takes a moment to calm down the senior members of the crowd. **
SLAIN:
An important lesson is that you have to give respect if you want to get it in return. Last Sunday, you two sickos had our champion strung up in bondage. You were clamouring after her and torching her up like she was a spoonful of smack. What happened was despicable. Like a Doctor Who regeneration, I know she'll be fine when she adopts a new form, but it still makes teenage girls cry. She may be forged in the flames of the last great extinction, but those flames were symbolic. Specifically of the way you set her on fire, for which it was an uncanny metaphor. I don't care how well she got out of it. I'm her manager, I sell her rights and burning will never be fashionable. You two say you want to roast and eat her? Know this. Everyone who has tried to take a piece of þe Olde Boarg ended up biting off more than they could chew, and they got a bad after-taste that stuck around. Scorpion had PETA on his back. Harry, you've lost everything you had. Jason Justice is now doomed to spend the rest of his life remaining as Jason Justice. You're both heading for the kind of defeat that doesn't wash off in the showers. Some people say cell matches change careers. Look at Thob's armour. She's a walking cell. At End of Days she's going to be a war machine. What kind of war machine? Those belts aren't made out of copper, friends. I think you can work it out.
** Slain walks to the ropes and holds them open for Thob. He then holds his free hand out in apology and carries her out himself. **
SLAIN:
Thanks for sticking around through that guys. I know I wouldn't.
SLAIN:
You see that? Back in the big time right there. Where I've been we have to throw our own mics if we want to catch them. Long time no see, XHF army!
** The crowd cheer on cue. **
SLAIN:
Good to see the forces stuck together through peacetime and were ready to answer the call, because I heard there's a war coming. A Gold War for that which we all hold most dear. There are names involved that you all know very well, but there's another name you may not be familiar with. You saw her at the last End of Days show. Allow me to give her a formal XHF introduction.
** 'Wasted Years' by Iron Maiden kicks in as the lights dim. **
SLAIN:
Weighing in at a fluctuating number of pounds... Born of flame in the Godless bloodlands of time immemorial and currently residing in Bethesda, Ohio... She is the reigning, DEFENDING, undisputed heavyweight champion of eighteen worlds... The Beasting Carnage... The Queen that's easier to hype than to type... The O.G O.B... She is the XHF Network's undefeated X*Crown Champion AND she is the XHF Network's X*Crown Championship... I give you... þeeeeeee Ooooolde Boarg!
** Slain slides to the side of the ring and pulls the champion out from under the apron before holding her aloft. **
SLAIN:
Thob, everybody!
** He puts her down as the music fades out. **
SLAIN:
We haven't decided what her big league entrance is going to be at this point but we're both set on it using an excess of pyro so exuberant that it wouldn't have been possible before we left the Paris agreement. Loyal soldiers, my client may have been competing in the AWF, but make no mistake she is not just their champion she is yours. After years of the belts sitting in Harry's above-ground basement covered in old guacamole and head lice, they have returned home! Hurrah!
** The crowd largely go along with the prompt for cheers. **
VERY LOUD FAN:
It's a pig!
SLAIN:
It's epic indeed. As great an occasion as this is, the true homecoming comes at the End of Days Final. The tournament is always a big deal, but this year is special. Not only are the biggest fish from the Network's ponds coming together to clash for the first time, my client gets to see them fighting over the chance to share a ring with her. She'll be watching over them like an empress at the coliseum. It's entertainment of the highest order! Of course, she will have to get stuck in herself at one point in the night, but it shouldn't be a problem. You see, while fighters far and wide having been taking each other out in a nationwide survival of the fittest, your champion has a couple of challengers who didn't fancy the whole qualification bit. In fact, instead of the next challenger being the End of Days champion coming off of a three match network special winning streak, she's getting two men who have barely won an XHF match between them in years.
** There are 'oooh's from the crowd at this show of disrespect. **
SLAIN:
Hey it's been a long time getting here and I'm a little bit pent up. I know the two Networkers we're up against probably have two chauffeurs each, but me and the champ are grassroots talent. We had to make the trip ourselves when the gigs went nationwide. We've been trying to hitch lifts with stickshifts and every time we get to a venue you're all in another state already. The only way Thob was able to make it in time for the pole match was thanks to Fed-Ex. Yes I saw that match and I'll get to it later. It's been ages since I've had air time and I've got a list to get through so strap yourself in. If you're one of those people that hates it when wrestling shows have extended segments of non-wrestlers waffling on in the ring about a big upcoming match when you could be seeing some action, you should thank your lucky stars this isn't a wrestling show.
** Slain turns to address the camera directly. **
SLAIN:
Harry! What's this about a rematch clause? I know how signing contracts for wrestling bouts work. You walk into the office in your wrestling gear, get rowdy with the receptionist, tell everyone around how the other guy is going down, sign the contract in half a second with gigantic handwriting then you throw that pen down like you're hunting a rat. If there were any secret clauses in there I know you wouldn't have been the type to stop and read them. This is all going ahead because your best buddy Mongo wanted it to. This isn't even going to be your rematch! The night you lost the titles was your rematch. End of Days is going to be your rematch rematch! You came in, challenged the Queen, couldn't get the job done then got given a second chance at Fired Up. Did you take a look in the bookies, see that your odds against her were twenty to one and reckon if you lined up twenty attempts you'd get there eventually? Oh don't tell me, it's going to be the real Hardcore Harry this time! This time it's for realz, yo!
** A civilian breaks through security. He enters the ring and picks up Thob but collapses under her weight with her landing heavily on his chest. The crowd erupts in cheers as Slain kicks the body out of the ring. **
SLAIN:
Man, I could've just done that if I knew it was going to get a bigger pop. Where was I? Oh yeah the new Harry! Not the old Harry that decided he was going to revive his legacy by going out of his way to face someone he only saw as a joke, failed miserably, then did the same all over again. The old Harry that says the reason he sucked was because he was tricked. I'm a Hardcore Harry fan but even your fan club knows that comprehension was never your strong point. You flew out to Bethesda to get in the face of a competitor with a then one hundred percent record managed by if I say so myself one of the best managers that's ever managed to manage. The only thing you're a victim of is your own lack of intellect and a multiple-time whooping from a competitor who is on such a different level that you literally cannot comprehend what she even is. Right now you're acting like you've got two personalities and good luck pulling that one off because you only had half of one to start off with. You're a looney that's out of tune with reality. You've gone and hit the drink too hard again, produced a puddle of Campbell's vom soup and seen your face in it the same way other idiots see Jesus in their toast. And how's the new and improved Harry going to do things differently? By DOING THE EXACT SAME THING! Gah it makes me so angry!
** Slain looks around in a huff and slides out of the ring. He rummages under the apron and flings an arm behind him gesturing the crowds to step back. After a struggle he produces a table and slides it under the bottom rope. Once back in the ring he leans it up and unfolds each set of legs one by one. Then he stands it upright and flips it over. **
SLAIN:
That's how angry I am! She's holding the biggest prize in wrestling why is she wasting her time with you again? You were the thickest opponent she'd ever faced even while you were taking the medicine that makes your brain work! Before you were saying Thob was a pig. Now Mongo's a pig too. Congratulations everyone, we're all pigs! Just because the first face you snuggled up to when you came into this world looked like one, doesn't mean we all are. With a bit of luck you'll be on the toilet one day, look down to see that little baby pig between your legs and petrol bomb it to heaven in an attempt to try and get the world to respect you.
** Slain spins around to face another camera in the building, barely stopping for breath. **
SLAIN:
Venom! You got the success, the fame, the brand and everything else, but that name doesn't mean you deserve creepy cool spiders in your entrance. I was watching the Jackson Steele film 'Cockaphile Dundee and the Fuck-filled Twattypuss' and as venomous creatures go I think the platypus is a much better fit for you. I'm talking about the furry, freaky looking, near-endangered species with no stomach at all, let alone one for doing the right thing. I may be stretching the analogy by insinuating that you have no nipples. I'm not one hundred percent that you don't, but even those that claim you do struggle to produce a confident description of them when under oath.
** Slain visibly runs out of steam with the direction he's going in as some members of the crowd with pondering expressions start doing something on their phones. **
SLAIN:
Doesn't make much sense when someone describes an esteemed legend as an animal, does it? You happen to know why pigs are known for eating everything? Because they can handle toxins better than any other animal. They can eat indiscriminately, knowing that their body can easily take whatever poisons the rotting filth contains. Venom is a toxin, as you probably know, so even your little fantasy doesn't work in your favour. Don't ask me why I know so much about pigs I'm just clever.
** Slain takes off his shirt and throws it into the crowd. It is immediately thrown back at him. Unfazed, he puts the shirt back on and continues. **
SLAIN:
But enough animal farm. You're possibly the most decorated star that has ever set foot in the XHF. You were late to the party and you made it a bigger one. People would kill to be as revered as you are. That's why it kills me to see you whining, man. You've had it all and you're saying it wasn't enough, that you didn't get enough credit, enough praise. It didn't seem that way when the XHF held a retirement show in your honour. I was there. I chipped in for your leaving gift! It wasn't even mandatory. I wilfully volunteered to fulfil that obligation. I want my three dollars back, you shitmouth fraud! This isn't about the money. It's the principle and the money!
** Slain points to Thob. **
SLAIN:
You say you didn't get enough credit? This is what not getting credit looks like. Your feelings were hurt when some people said you weren't their favourite when you were making enough money to end world famine (which I notice you didn't)? How terrible! At least they acknowledged YOU WERE HUMAN! Tell me, V-nom nuts, during any of your esteemed reigns were you ever placed on a POLE!? You're a spoiled prat. Standing next to me is the XHF's X*Crown Champion. She doesn't come from the streets; I had to introduce her to them as an upgrade. She is now at the top of the mountain that you are celebrating being at the base of. She is the pinnacle of the wrestling world and every bit as accomplished as you were at your best, but just like with you there are dickheads out there who will make up anything to undermine that. You cannot bemoan your detractors now that you are one of them. It's natural not to acknowledge superiority when you're fighting against it. You're competing at End of Days for attention. The only reason Thob's going to destroy you at End of Days is because it's a full time job for me to stop her from doing it before then. The champ is fighting fit! She's dined on fine wines and pork rinds! You ask your Dad Scorpion about how good those rinds are, then while you're catching up and comparing arachnid themes ask how good of a beating he took when he went toe to toe with the CEO of beating O. The second O stands for OAPs.
** Slain takes a moment to calm down the senior members of the crowd. **
SLAIN:
An important lesson is that you have to give respect if you want to get it in return. Last Sunday, you two sickos had our champion strung up in bondage. You were clamouring after her and torching her up like she was a spoonful of smack. What happened was despicable. Like a Doctor Who regeneration, I know she'll be fine when she adopts a new form, but it still makes teenage girls cry. She may be forged in the flames of the last great extinction, but those flames were symbolic. Specifically of the way you set her on fire, for which it was an uncanny metaphor. I don't care how well she got out of it. I'm her manager, I sell her rights and burning will never be fashionable. You two say you want to roast and eat her? Know this. Everyone who has tried to take a piece of þe Olde Boarg ended up biting off more than they could chew, and they got a bad after-taste that stuck around. Scorpion had PETA on his back. Harry, you've lost everything you had. Jason Justice is now doomed to spend the rest of his life remaining as Jason Justice. You're both heading for the kind of defeat that doesn't wash off in the showers. Some people say cell matches change careers. Look at Thob's armour. She's a walking cell. At End of Days she's going to be a war machine. What kind of war machine? Those belts aren't made out of copper, friends. I think you can work it out.
** Slain walks to the ropes and holds them open for Thob. He then holds his free hand out in apology and carries her out himself. **
SLAIN:
Thanks for sticking around through that guys. I know I wouldn't.