I hope no one's used pork chops yet (eOd RP)
Oct 17, 2017 20:43:13 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Slainmaker, and 3 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Oct 17, 2017 20:43:13 GMT -5
**Fade in. After End of Days Night 3. Curtis Kanyon's Office/Snack Shack.**
*Curtis sits on a fold out chair with his briefcase in his lap. He looks exhausted. Copycat peeks his head into the room.*
Copycat: Hey buddy, how you doin'?
Curtis: S'alright.
Copycat: You know where in a real arena tonight, why are you still in a snack shack?
Curtis: I know, but I like being so close to comfort food now. Plus, I have the money for it.
Copycat: Cool. Hey, sorry about getting knocked out of the match so early and leaving you alone.
Curtis: It wasn't a great showing for you, but the Mighty Thor carried me through the match. I brought him great honor out there tonight, and he rewarded me. I got it! I will make my family proud, I will honor Thor and my brother! I will now go on to fight Thob at End of Days and bring glory back to the X*Crown!
Copycat: Yeah, that should be cool! And another great fight with you and Thob and those other guys.
Curtis: Other guys? You mean the eventual challengers I'll have after I beat a pig.
Copycat: Um...you do know there's already an X*Crown match at End of Days and you've added yourself to it, right?
Curtis: WHAT!?
Copycat: Dude, it's being advertised all over the network!
Curtis: I've been kind of busy advertising AWF and our awesome champion as well as B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray and our awesome fish catching product! ...Not to mention people trying to sue me for car accidents... No one told me about this!
Copycat: Oh boy, you may want to sit down.
Curtis: I'm already sitting.
Copycat: Oh...right...well, here's the scoop...
*Copycat starts explaining the X*Crown match that he unwittingly entered himself into, the rules, teh participants, how it came about, and a lot of other exposition you don't need, so we're going to fade out in the visuals and the audio as he does so.*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Casa de Kanyon. Living Room. Today.**
*We see Curtis Kanyon chilling on his couch. He sees the camera and lets out an audible sigh.*
Curtis: Okay, so maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I should have waited a few beats before turning in the case. Buuuuut, like I said, if I waited too long, Fezzik—
Camera Man: Felix.
Curtis: --Felix would have made another weird match where my case would have been put on the line and just make me jump through hoops over and over! I’m not even an AWF wrestler, I’m just the CFO! If he treats me this way, I can’t imagine how he treats the actual talent! Like my lovely Jackson Steele. He’s the golden horse that keeps on giving. Is that the right saying?
*No.*
Curtis: Eh, close enough. Anyway, I may have thought at the time of cashing in my case I just had to pin a pig, and sure deal with that nuisance Slain. But now I find that I have to also deal with Hardcore Harry and Venom? Wow! I mean, I know Harry’s been around here and there, but I haven’t seen him too much. But I mean, if anybody is going to lose a title, it’s going to be that alcoholic. As for Venom, has he really been around? I mean, I saw him in catering once, I think, but I thought he was just poking around looking for a job! I didn’t realize he was actually in matches again. That’s great! And Thob, boy do I know Thob! Unfortunately. Little Pepito, my youngest son’s favorite wrestler…is a female pig. Do you know how much that hurts? I mean, I get it, he was baby when his uncle left this mortal plane, and barely into pre-school when I retired from NCW, so I’m not saying it has to be me…yet. But still, it should be someone of value, someone with a great wrestling mind, someone like Jackson Steele!
*You want your child’s wrestling hero to be a porn star? There is something wrong here. But as I decide whether or not to call protective services, there door bell rings! Curtis arises from the couch and heads to the door.*
Curtis: Who the devil?
*Curtis opens the door and it’s another camera man!*
Curtis: Oh, how embarrassing! Sorry XHF camera, I also have an AWF camera here. I’l l try to be quick.
*Curtis closes the door. Well, that’s kind of rude.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Curtis. Backyard.**
*Now Curtis is wearing an apron that says “Bang the cook!” He stands in front of the BBQ pit.*
Curtis: So I know I said I’d be quick, but the AWF promo got me hungry, so I thought I’d start cooking dinner. We’re having pork chops! I know, I know, I’m sure everyone and their mother has made bacon jokes, maybe even sausage jokes, and hey, I’m no better, I’ll be the first to admit. But I try to be original. So, pork chops! Hope that hasn't been done yet. Plus, I need to get in the mind of my opponent. And as the champion, Porky is the main opponent. I’m not going out to eat spiders or something, I don’t know what Venom is. I’m down for some beers though, but I don’t want to be in the mind of Harry. That’s too crazy, even for me! Ha ha! Get it? …Because people think I’m looney.
*Well, no one’s saying Curtis isn’t looney, but I don’t want to narrate Hardcore Harry, that’s for sure! Curtis flips the chops.*
Curtis: So, I’ve got the low down on this Gold War thing. Mongo with his crazy schemes. But my brother navigated through them to greatness, I will do the same thing. I’m not saying I’ll win all eighteen falls, maybe only sixteen or seventeen, we’ll see. I mean, I just beat twelve other guys to win the case that then got me in this match, so I feel pretty good about it. And you guys could go the ring rust route dis, but again, if you think this is me rusty the destruction I’ve caused, then how bad do you think I’ll be now that I’m all “warmed up.” And let’s face it, Venom and Harry ain’t all that fresh either. I mean, again, Harry lost to a pig. So normally, one would worry about the champ the most, but in this case, it’s a pig, but also in this case, it’s an undefeated pig. Not a big deal that it’s a female though, we’re in the gender equality era bitches, get over it! But animal equality, no. Just no. I’m not PeTA, I’m not vegan, but I’ll do what must be done to pin a pig. Which would be…throw some slop around? I don’t even know.
*Curtis flips the chops again. They smell great BTW.*
Curtis: So um…it’s great to see Venom and Harry trying. But they’re not trying as hard or as best as I am! I have to beat the piss out of you both. And then I have to beat the crap out of Slain. Excrement will be EVERYWHERE! Then Thob will be supes happy and rolling around and I just lay on top of her for eighteen…times three…carry the two…fifty four seconds! And that’s not just a fact of life—no, sorry, that’s the bottom line—no wait. Sorry, these other white meats are messing with my brain meats! What I mean is, all three men and a little piggie are going to feel…the…BANG!
*Curtis flips a pork chop off the grill and catches it in the air, and then takes a bite. Then quickly spits it out.*
Curtis: HOT! HOT! OW! IT BURNS! BUT IT TASTES SO GOOD! OW!
*Curtis quickly grabs a nearby water bottle and sticks out his tongue as he pours it all over his mouth.*
**Fade out.**
*Curtis sits on a fold out chair with his briefcase in his lap. He looks exhausted. Copycat peeks his head into the room.*
Copycat: Hey buddy, how you doin'?
Curtis: S'alright.
Copycat: You know where in a real arena tonight, why are you still in a snack shack?
Curtis: I know, but I like being so close to comfort food now. Plus, I have the money for it.
Copycat: Cool. Hey, sorry about getting knocked out of the match so early and leaving you alone.
Curtis: It wasn't a great showing for you, but the Mighty Thor carried me through the match. I brought him great honor out there tonight, and he rewarded me. I got it! I will make my family proud, I will honor Thor and my brother! I will now go on to fight Thob at End of Days and bring glory back to the X*Crown!
Copycat: Yeah, that should be cool! And another great fight with you and Thob and those other guys.
Curtis: Other guys? You mean the eventual challengers I'll have after I beat a pig.
Copycat: Um...you do know there's already an X*Crown match at End of Days and you've added yourself to it, right?
Curtis: WHAT!?
Copycat: Dude, it's being advertised all over the network!
Curtis: I've been kind of busy advertising AWF and our awesome champion as well as B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray and our awesome fish catching product! ...Not to mention people trying to sue me for car accidents... No one told me about this!
Copycat: Oh boy, you may want to sit down.
Curtis: I'm already sitting.
Copycat: Oh...right...well, here's the scoop...
*Copycat starts explaining the X*Crown match that he unwittingly entered himself into, the rules, teh participants, how it came about, and a lot of other exposition you don't need, so we're going to fade out in the visuals and the audio as he does so.*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Casa de Kanyon. Living Room. Today.**
*We see Curtis Kanyon chilling on his couch. He sees the camera and lets out an audible sigh.*
Curtis: Okay, so maybe I jumped the gun. Maybe I should have waited a few beats before turning in the case. Buuuuut, like I said, if I waited too long, Fezzik—
Camera Man: Felix.
Curtis: --Felix would have made another weird match where my case would have been put on the line and just make me jump through hoops over and over! I’m not even an AWF wrestler, I’m just the CFO! If he treats me this way, I can’t imagine how he treats the actual talent! Like my lovely Jackson Steele. He’s the golden horse that keeps on giving. Is that the right saying?
*No.*
Curtis: Eh, close enough. Anyway, I may have thought at the time of cashing in my case I just had to pin a pig, and sure deal with that nuisance Slain. But now I find that I have to also deal with Hardcore Harry and Venom? Wow! I mean, I know Harry’s been around here and there, but I haven’t seen him too much. But I mean, if anybody is going to lose a title, it’s going to be that alcoholic. As for Venom, has he really been around? I mean, I saw him in catering once, I think, but I thought he was just poking around looking for a job! I didn’t realize he was actually in matches again. That’s great! And Thob, boy do I know Thob! Unfortunately. Little Pepito, my youngest son’s favorite wrestler…is a female pig. Do you know how much that hurts? I mean, I get it, he was baby when his uncle left this mortal plane, and barely into pre-school when I retired from NCW, so I’m not saying it has to be me…yet. But still, it should be someone of value, someone with a great wrestling mind, someone like Jackson Steele!
*You want your child’s wrestling hero to be a porn star? There is something wrong here. But as I decide whether or not to call protective services, there door bell rings! Curtis arises from the couch and heads to the door.*
Curtis: Who the devil?
*Curtis opens the door and it’s another camera man!*
Curtis: Oh, how embarrassing! Sorry XHF camera, I also have an AWF camera here. I’l l try to be quick.
*Curtis closes the door. Well, that’s kind of rude.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Casa de Curtis. Backyard.**
*Now Curtis is wearing an apron that says “Bang the cook!” He stands in front of the BBQ pit.*
Curtis: So I know I said I’d be quick, but the AWF promo got me hungry, so I thought I’d start cooking dinner. We’re having pork chops! I know, I know, I’m sure everyone and their mother has made bacon jokes, maybe even sausage jokes, and hey, I’m no better, I’ll be the first to admit. But I try to be original. So, pork chops! Hope that hasn't been done yet. Plus, I need to get in the mind of my opponent. And as the champion, Porky is the main opponent. I’m not going out to eat spiders or something, I don’t know what Venom is. I’m down for some beers though, but I don’t want to be in the mind of Harry. That’s too crazy, even for me! Ha ha! Get it? …Because people think I’m looney.
*Well, no one’s saying Curtis isn’t looney, but I don’t want to narrate Hardcore Harry, that’s for sure! Curtis flips the chops.*
Curtis: So, I’ve got the low down on this Gold War thing. Mongo with his crazy schemes. But my brother navigated through them to greatness, I will do the same thing. I’m not saying I’ll win all eighteen falls, maybe only sixteen or seventeen, we’ll see. I mean, I just beat twelve other guys to win the case that then got me in this match, so I feel pretty good about it. And you guys could go the ring rust route dis, but again, if you think this is me rusty the destruction I’ve caused, then how bad do you think I’ll be now that I’m all “warmed up.” And let’s face it, Venom and Harry ain’t all that fresh either. I mean, again, Harry lost to a pig. So normally, one would worry about the champ the most, but in this case, it’s a pig, but also in this case, it’s an undefeated pig. Not a big deal that it’s a female though, we’re in the gender equality era bitches, get over it! But animal equality, no. Just no. I’m not PeTA, I’m not vegan, but I’ll do what must be done to pin a pig. Which would be…throw some slop around? I don’t even know.
*Curtis flips the chops again. They smell great BTW.*
Curtis: So um…it’s great to see Venom and Harry trying. But they’re not trying as hard or as best as I am! I have to beat the piss out of you both. And then I have to beat the crap out of Slain. Excrement will be EVERYWHERE! Then Thob will be supes happy and rolling around and I just lay on top of her for eighteen…times three…carry the two…fifty four seconds! And that’s not just a fact of life—no, sorry, that’s the bottom line—no wait. Sorry, these other white meats are messing with my brain meats! What I mean is, all three men and a little piggie are going to feel…the…BANG!
*Curtis flips a pork chop off the grill and catches it in the air, and then takes a bite. Then quickly spits it out.*
Curtis: HOT! HOT! OW! IT BURNS! BUT IT TASTES SO GOOD! OW!
*Curtis quickly grabs a nearby water bottle and sticks out his tongue as he pours it all over his mouth.*
**Fade out.**
