Post by Steele on Oct 22, 2017 16:18:35 GMT -5
ISSUE #3 - 10/22/2017
Hello subscriber(s) and welcome to Pro Wrestling Grapevine!
It's been a while, hasn't it?
So much has happened within the world of wrestling since we last met - and much has gone on within the XHF Network specifically, there's a lot to catch up with!
But first...
It's our old friend Terry Bradshaw once again, and the former (current? who knows?) AWF Chief Financial Officer has cropped up - this time in St Louis, Missouri, of all places this past Friday.
A number of witnesses contacted me to let me know that Mr. Bradshaw had been seen at the Scottrade Center earlier in the day, while a certain other wrestling promotion was gearing up for a live show.
"I saw him, man. I saw him as clear as I see the screams of the angels and the hummingbird's fear, man. He gave me the fear. He looked me right in the eye and told me, he had the gift. He had the gift and he wanted to give it to me. All it would take was one vial. One vial of her liquid trust, and all the knowledge of the ages would be mine. So it took it, man! I took it, and now it is I who holds the key! I hold the key and with it I will open the door to heaven and bring her back to life!"
"... run..."
-W. Rotunda, enhancement talent
"Yeah I saw him, someone came to me and said he was out back looking for me. This fool comes into my yard and thinks he can call me out? I didn't believe that, son, so I decided to go show him who the big dog was."
"Turns out he didn't want to fight me, he just wanted to... uh...
meet me. That's right. Just a meeting between a big dog and his fan. Absolutely no drugs changed hands, no-siree. Believe dat."
-J. Anoa'i, guy
Very interesting to say the least. Exactly what Terry Bradshaw was doing at the Scottrade Center - much less meeting workers from a rival promotion (I'm being generous when I say rival promotion) - is beyond me. All I know is that both of my sources were struck down with a mystery illness just hours later.
END OF DAYS' END IN DAYS
The XHF's End of Days tournament has been rumbling on for the past few weeks now, and we are down to our final four competitors - at time of writing, AWF Champion Jackson Steele is set to square off against XHF European Champion Scorpion, while on the other side of the bracket the man from ...THE FUTURE... Shogun-Tron takes on the man from the past, Hyperion.
Tonight's show will whittle the field down to the last two men - I'm contractually obligated to order you to subscribe to the XHF Network so you don't miss this monumental show!
XHF NETWORK GROWING EXPONENTIALLY - SCIENTISTS WORRIED
If you thought the End of Days tournament has been a little bit... shall we say, AWF-heavy... then you'll be excited to know that a whole metric fuck-ton (yes, that's right - that's 1,000 fucks!) of new feds have opened their doors since the start of the month - with one closing their doors just as quickly (RIP Nasty Wrestling: Uncensored - you were the fed we wanted, but not necessarily the fed we deserved.)
A number of ICW Competitors have made their way over to the XHF and into the loving arms of Mongo The Destroyer who right now must be rubbing his fat little hands together with badly-contained glee just thinking of all the money this could make for him. He had this to say on the matter:
"Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
-M. Destroyer, despot
The XHF Network's reach now extends to Russia - which kind of makes Mongo a sort of reverse-Trump, when you think about it -
as Duke Kosloff has opened Firestorm Wrestling Alliance in his native country. FWA's inaugural ColdWar show is booked for November 3.
But Russia isn't the limit of Mongo's influence - as Sakura Shoujo Stampede has alos popped up in Japan. The all-women's promotion promises less gratuitous promiscuity than NW:U (RIP) but instead focuses on technical prowess and something called Otaku. whatever the hell that is. I'm not down with the kids. Saturday Sakura Genesis will premiere on October 28.
Anonymous Underground Are a little bit closer to home - though still not based on American soil - as they look to rip Europe up, beginning on October 30 with their first show, "The 13th Ring" - whatever the fuck that means, I'm not sure. Can we expect 13 rings? You'll have to watch it to find out!
And last, but by no means least, we have Totally Insane Wrestling - based out of St Louis, Missouri (hey, maybe they'll see Terry Bradshaw...) they promise to be a balls-to-the-wall, ultra-violent fed. Curiously, only four staff members are listed as of now - two announcers, the referee and the janitor - but the four of them are hoping to bring TIW's first show "Kickstart" to you on November 18.
THOSE CRAZY JAPS
We conclude with a round-up of goings-on from that bizarre little slice of Japan in Seattle, WA, Tragic Gaijin Kingdom.
Where to start. Where to even start.
Mr Sumo II and Reo Nakajima are preparing to put on their sixth show this coming Monday, and they will have a new name on the Tragic Championship going into that show after Mad Dog Smith beat former champion Furanku Furetcha in controversial fashion - the match was stopped after an hour as no man was looking likely to win, when Furetcha put his money where his mouth was, asking for five more minutes - a decision which would prove costly, as Mad Dog was able to roll him up with his patented small package to score the win.
Staying with Furanku Furetcha - I mean, what the hell is going on there? I'm finding it harder and harder to discern where kayfabe ends and insanity begins with Akihiro Handa... either he's a brilliant method-actor, or he's legitimately gone nuts. Having met President Trump who apparently imbued him with the power of Hulk Hogan, he now appears to believe himself to be Kurt Angle.
Honestly, I don't even know any more.
Elsewhere, Jeffery Viper (real name: Jeffery Viper) has been training hard under former WCW talent Glacier.
It's not known how much wrestling knowledge Glacier has imparted into the man-child, though all my fingers are crossed that he'll teach him how to wear a mask.
And finally, I'm sure you're all aware of Mora Nakajima - daughter of Reo and niece to Mr. Sumo II... well I talked to her the other day, and this is what she had to say:
"Who? Smug? Oh... you're the guy from the dirtsheets, aren't you? Well... I have to say that I've seen your picture on the website and you look like the sort of man I could really sink my teeth into... no wonder they call you smug - I'd be smug if I was as god-damn sexy as you!"
-M. Nakajima, my girlfriend
I don't have any juicy gossip on her - not that I'd tell you anyway - I just wanted to brag! Peace out motherfuckers! I'm in love!
© Matt Smug 2017 The content of this newsletter is an opinion piece and may or may not be true and/or speculation and/or fabricated. All sources are genuine but unchecked and their truthfulness may vary. The reader is advised that they and they alone must decide upon whether or not to believe and/or disbelieve in or against any or all or part of the whole and accept full responsibility for any opinions they may or may not form as a result or otherwise of reading all or none or part of this newsletter or not.