Post by Slainmaker on Oct 22, 2017 19:28:51 GMT -5
SLAIN:
Hello! My name is Slain, XHF manager to the stars and interviewee extraordinaire. Who's going to be interviewing me this week? Why it's none other than AWF interviewing prodigy Charles Akiyama! Over to you, Charlie!
CHARLES:
Thank you! My name is Charles Akiyama, and I'm interviewing Slain as we approach the date of the much anticipated Gold War match for his client's X*Crown title at the XHF's End of Days PPV event. Thanks for having me Slain.
SLAIN:
No problombo. That's a nice XHF microphone you have in your hand.
CHARLES:
Yes this footage is going to the Network's front page.
** Slain reaches up for a high five and Charles accepts the offer. The two of them are sat down in the back of a boat. In order to get both in shot the camera is positioned centrally and facing the rear, giving them a constantly changing background in the wake of the boat's journey. **
SLAIN:
That's part of what this is about. The last time we met was in a hot tub. Do you remember that? Now we're sitting and chitting in water once again but instead of some plastic mould in a rented room we've got the October sun and all the natural glory of Lake... Lake... a lake.
CHARLES:
I'm being told it's Lake Kalamazoo and yes It's been quite the journey for both of us.
SLAIN:
Absolutely. The hardships, the exposure, the travelling, the triumph, the batterings, the hate and now the burnings.
CHARLES:
Yeah I can't believe some of the things wrestlers get away with towards interviewers. I'm still new at this they should give me a break.
SLAIN:
That's why I wanted you on board for this. Sure, the XHF have their own interviewers, but at least they're getting paid for the abuse. There's solace knowing that when you're working direct for the Network if a wrestler shoves your microphone up your ass you don't have to pay for the replacement. When Thob first became the X*Crown championship people would ask what the fame and the fortune was like. I would say 'you're right there should be some of that' and now it's Network Special season I'm getting access to it. Now, everyone knows I'm a realist.
CHARLES:
You are?
SLAIN:
Yeah I'm the realest. Because of that I know there's a chance Thob won't be wearing those belts come November. Three opponents in a match? They can form alliances and all they need to do is pin each other faster than Thob can pin them. This may be a narrow window of opportunity to enjoy a lifestyle appropriate for the in-ring bling thing. So we've got this boat, the fine ship known as the SS... SS...
CHARLES:
We'll get someone to take a look over the side.
SLAIN:
No no the boat's called the SS SS. Got it off one of those neo-nazi guys. I mean nazis are bad news but I loved the Matrix so they balance out in my book. We've got this boat, we've got the champ on deck having a slightly undercast photoshoot with a bunch of babes and there's cameras to capture it all. It's about time she started living like the champ she is. A manager's gotta provide, you know?
CHARLES:
Is there a sense these could be her last moments on top?
SLAIN:
If it is, it'd be a damn shame. We know the story here. Mongo brought the belts back into competition, and he doesn't like the direction competition took them in. Thob isn't going to be doing SNL sketches or getting insta followers. She isn't the kind of champion that the business types want on their posters. For starters posters tend to be in portrait. She's just too wide in the frame. It's awkward. And it will be awkward when someone restarts a company after a decade and tries to pick up where they left off because they're going to find the market has changed. That's the good thing about the network. You can't grab that family audience sat around the TV any more. Content is personalised and summoned directly to your google goggles. You have to diversify or die, and the XHF remained dead until it learned that lesson. At first I thought Mongo had launched XHF NE Twerk and gone a bit too far into the adult demographic, but a network covering all of them all is great.
CHARLES:
So you're saying the XHF has adapted?
SLAIN:
Yes. Russians, Japanese, not-Japanese, Ohions. Objectified women. Normal women. It's beautiful. Thob's the perfect representative for it. Let's go and pay the Queen a visit right now. Follow me and say hello to the young cuties.
** Slain gets up and Akiyama with crew follow. They are lead around the side of the boat and out onto the deck, where Thob is stood in the middle, surrounded by small children and infants. Some of them are hugging her. **
SLAIN:
Don't worry she won't attack the young. Do you have any idea how much the kids love her, Charlequin? Bloody lotsalots, that's how much. Got the youth demo down better than any grizzly hardcore veteran or 'my dead brother used to be famous' celebrity cash-in. It's no wonder little Pepi Kanyoung is such a fan. Now that she's been on the national shows the merch has been flying off the shelves.
** Slain gestures towards a pile of Peppa Pig merchandise, with each 'Pepp' overwritten with 'Not' **
SLAIN:
But Mongo just doesn't get it. He wants the belts off her, and you can see his methods. He's given the longest reigning champion his rematch rematch. He's brought the most successful XHF name ever back out of the shadows. Now he's got her facing her own boss. None of them are on any kind of streak, and some of them don't even like the XHF Network! They're there because Mongo is a business man and he doesn't like to gamble. He wants the safest odds to get the titles on a known quantity that he knows how to market like it's two thousand and two again. Here's why it's not going to work.
** Slain is distracted by his phone for a second. He glances at it and carries on, this time with some added aggression. **
SLAIN:
Because þe Olde Boarg is the conqueror of the past!
CHARLES:
Hey if you're going to yell, yell at the camera.
SLAIN:
Sorry mate I'll tone it down. þe Olde Boarg has survived eternities and beaten them. They can roll out all the XHF legends they want. Which one of them is the XHF champion? There isn't one, because the XHF is dead. Now there is only the XHF Network. Before people would argue about whether the XHF Championship or the X*Crown was more important, but now there is only the Crown jewels. Multiple belts to represent mutliple feds. Now when you pitch the XHF against the X*Crown, it's past versus present, conservatism versus diversity, familiar against adaptation. That's why Scorpion and Harry never stood a chance against the Beasting Carnage. She is the XHF Hunter. She doesn't get torches passed to her, she takes them. It's how she got her shot, it's how she got her titles and it's how she's going to keep them until someone decides to give a shot at the XHF Network's top prize to someone who is actually a leading name in the XHF Network. Next Sunday it's going to be the end of the good old days. It's the last stand of the last tennants, and once they're cleared out we can start to redecorate and make it ours.
CHARLES:
No love lost between you two and the XHF then.
SLAIN:
I have never known what no love lost means, but I know it's bad so no. My best days were with the XHF, and in some ways the Network is still trying to prove it's worthy to share the name. In case some of those out there didn't realise, I'm an XHF original, but if I were in the ring would I be at the top? Would I have gained that much prowess in my time away? Unlikely. I accepted that my time was over with grace, and concentrated my efforts on the next big thing.
CHARLES:
Did you say big thing?
SLAIN:
Yes.
CHARLES:
Just checking.
SLAIN:
Venom should know this. He himself rose out of Scorpion's shadow to surpass him, just as Thob is doing now. His suggestion that he's going to save the network is ridiculous.
** Slain turns towards the camera. **
SLAIN:
Venom mate, we've all seen what happened when you were drafted in to put GXW on the map. You're no saviour. You live up to your name because you're poison. The big difference between you and my client is that my client is employed. Every single promotion she has been in has not only survived, but prospered, just like herself. You on the other hand, have you ever been part of a promotion that hasn't folded? You're representing GXW in this match but we all know you're a guest, and guests can outstay their welcome. Just don't stick around because some of us like what we're setting up here.
** Slain is disrupted by the sound of one of the children crying. A member of the crew steps over and whispers into his ear. **
SLAIN:
What? What kind of a parent calls their child 'Venom'? Jesus Christ people shouldn't be allowed to have kids any more. Come here little fella.
** Slain picks up the boy for a comforting hug but reels away when he senses a smell coming from his pants. Holding him at arms length he looks around and decides to lean him over the edge, dunking him into the passing water. The boy disappears behind a mound of surf for a few seconds, before being lifted back up onto deck, now with a blank expression and shivering. **
SLAIN:
There we go. Funky and fresh. Man this boat is the best. Parenting is so much easier without the parents.
** In the background a small crowd of emotionally distraught adults can be briefly seen on the lakeside scrolling past. **
SLAIN
Plus it's the ideal training tool. Thob has been using it all day for staying-in-a-boat practise.
CHARLES:
Ah yes, the B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray presents: Buried at Sea Match tonight.
SLAIN:
It's a high stakes match, and one that ties directly into the strengths of the opponent. I've seen the promos. Curtis practically lives in a boat. The sponsorship doesn't exactly fill me with hope about the odds being fair. B.A.N.G Fish Attractant Spray would make terrible presents, and everyone knows the greatest fish attractant liquid is water.
CHARLES:
It may be the first time we've seen this type of match. How do you go about planning for something like this?
SLAIN:
You have to own it. This Buried at Sea match will be the archetype. The match against which all other matches of its kind will be compared. It's also a brutal test ahead of Thob's highest profile match. Getting into a boat with Curtis Kanyon is like... getting into a lions' den with some lions. It'll be a baptism of fire, though the upside is that with this setting it's unlikely there's going to be any more actual fire. The Fish Attractant spray could be a dangerous weapon in the match, but he'll need more than fish. Yes Kanyon, you can attract shark after shark and my client will simply jump them. You'll need to be goddamn Aquaman to call enough help to turn this match, and Aquaman's image is the last thing we'll see in the AWF. You say you're willing to sink to the lowest depths that your opponent does? That's good, because the only way Thob is going down tonight is if she's bringing you down with her.
CHARLES:
...and back in the room.
SLAIN:
Right, yes. Sorry some things just sound better in second person. Any way while we're here I thought we'd clear something that had been bugging me. Even if Thob emerges victorious in the Gold War, Mongo still hurts her because chances are she's going to take a fall during it. People will see her being pinned for the first time, and her awesome aura will be damaged. Frankly, I don't think any of the match's participants deserve the honour of that landmark, so I'm going to take it away from them. Thob! Commence Operation Trojan Borgs.
** Slain rolls Thob over so that she is laying on her back. He invites the children to climb on. One does and Slain counts to three. **
SLAIN:
My terms, not Mongo's. Winning the war is all that matters. There's no point taking heart from winning the battles, because even if you manage to score a temporary fall over the face of the new generation here, then you're no better than... what's your name little dude?
CHILD:
Venom!
SLAIN:
Dagh. I didn't recognise you now you're smiling.
** Slain is distracted by his phone once again. **
SLAIN:
Mongo shut the fuck up. I didn't respond to your first three messages what makes you think I'll respond to your fourth? Lakes don't even have walls.
** The boat crashes into a bicycle repair shop. **
Hello! My name is Slain, XHF manager to the stars and interviewee extraordinaire. Who's going to be interviewing me this week? Why it's none other than AWF interviewing prodigy Charles Akiyama! Over to you, Charlie!
CHARLES:
Thank you! My name is Charles Akiyama, and I'm interviewing Slain as we approach the date of the much anticipated Gold War match for his client's X*Crown title at the XHF's End of Days PPV event. Thanks for having me Slain.
SLAIN:
No problombo. That's a nice XHF microphone you have in your hand.
CHARLES:
Yes this footage is going to the Network's front page.
** Slain reaches up for a high five and Charles accepts the offer. The two of them are sat down in the back of a boat. In order to get both in shot the camera is positioned centrally and facing the rear, giving them a constantly changing background in the wake of the boat's journey. **
SLAIN:
That's part of what this is about. The last time we met was in a hot tub. Do you remember that? Now we're sitting and chitting in water once again but instead of some plastic mould in a rented room we've got the October sun and all the natural glory of Lake... Lake... a lake.
CHARLES:
I'm being told it's Lake Kalamazoo and yes It's been quite the journey for both of us.
SLAIN:
Absolutely. The hardships, the exposure, the travelling, the triumph, the batterings, the hate and now the burnings.
CHARLES:
Yeah I can't believe some of the things wrestlers get away with towards interviewers. I'm still new at this they should give me a break.
SLAIN:
That's why I wanted you on board for this. Sure, the XHF have their own interviewers, but at least they're getting paid for the abuse. There's solace knowing that when you're working direct for the Network if a wrestler shoves your microphone up your ass you don't have to pay for the replacement. When Thob first became the X*Crown championship people would ask what the fame and the fortune was like. I would say 'you're right there should be some of that' and now it's Network Special season I'm getting access to it. Now, everyone knows I'm a realist.
CHARLES:
You are?
SLAIN:
Yeah I'm the realest. Because of that I know there's a chance Thob won't be wearing those belts come November. Three opponents in a match? They can form alliances and all they need to do is pin each other faster than Thob can pin them. This may be a narrow window of opportunity to enjoy a lifestyle appropriate for the in-ring bling thing. So we've got this boat, the fine ship known as the SS... SS...
CHARLES:
We'll get someone to take a look over the side.
SLAIN:
No no the boat's called the SS SS. Got it off one of those neo-nazi guys. I mean nazis are bad news but I loved the Matrix so they balance out in my book. We've got this boat, we've got the champ on deck having a slightly undercast photoshoot with a bunch of babes and there's cameras to capture it all. It's about time she started living like the champ she is. A manager's gotta provide, you know?
CHARLES:
Is there a sense these could be her last moments on top?
SLAIN:
If it is, it'd be a damn shame. We know the story here. Mongo brought the belts back into competition, and he doesn't like the direction competition took them in. Thob isn't going to be doing SNL sketches or getting insta followers. She isn't the kind of champion that the business types want on their posters. For starters posters tend to be in portrait. She's just too wide in the frame. It's awkward. And it will be awkward when someone restarts a company after a decade and tries to pick up where they left off because they're going to find the market has changed. That's the good thing about the network. You can't grab that family audience sat around the TV any more. Content is personalised and summoned directly to your google goggles. You have to diversify or die, and the XHF remained dead until it learned that lesson. At first I thought Mongo had launched XHF NE Twerk and gone a bit too far into the adult demographic, but a network covering all of them all is great.
CHARLES:
So you're saying the XHF has adapted?
SLAIN:
Yes. Russians, Japanese, not-Japanese, Ohions. Objectified women. Normal women. It's beautiful. Thob's the perfect representative for it. Let's go and pay the Queen a visit right now. Follow me and say hello to the young cuties.
** Slain gets up and Akiyama with crew follow. They are lead around the side of the boat and out onto the deck, where Thob is stood in the middle, surrounded by small children and infants. Some of them are hugging her. **
SLAIN:
Don't worry she won't attack the young. Do you have any idea how much the kids love her, Charlequin? Bloody lotsalots, that's how much. Got the youth demo down better than any grizzly hardcore veteran or 'my dead brother used to be famous' celebrity cash-in. It's no wonder little Pepi Kanyoung is such a fan. Now that she's been on the national shows the merch has been flying off the shelves.
** Slain gestures towards a pile of Peppa Pig merchandise, with each 'Pepp' overwritten with 'Not' **
SLAIN:
But Mongo just doesn't get it. He wants the belts off her, and you can see his methods. He's given the longest reigning champion his rematch rematch. He's brought the most successful XHF name ever back out of the shadows. Now he's got her facing her own boss. None of them are on any kind of streak, and some of them don't even like the XHF Network! They're there because Mongo is a business man and he doesn't like to gamble. He wants the safest odds to get the titles on a known quantity that he knows how to market like it's two thousand and two again. Here's why it's not going to work.
** Slain is distracted by his phone for a second. He glances at it and carries on, this time with some added aggression. **
SLAIN:
Because þe Olde Boarg is the conqueror of the past!
CHARLES:
Hey if you're going to yell, yell at the camera.
SLAIN:
Sorry mate I'll tone it down. þe Olde Boarg has survived eternities and beaten them. They can roll out all the XHF legends they want. Which one of them is the XHF champion? There isn't one, because the XHF is dead. Now there is only the XHF Network. Before people would argue about whether the XHF Championship or the X*Crown was more important, but now there is only the Crown jewels. Multiple belts to represent mutliple feds. Now when you pitch the XHF against the X*Crown, it's past versus present, conservatism versus diversity, familiar against adaptation. That's why Scorpion and Harry never stood a chance against the Beasting Carnage. She is the XHF Hunter. She doesn't get torches passed to her, she takes them. It's how she got her shot, it's how she got her titles and it's how she's going to keep them until someone decides to give a shot at the XHF Network's top prize to someone who is actually a leading name in the XHF Network. Next Sunday it's going to be the end of the good old days. It's the last stand of the last tennants, and once they're cleared out we can start to redecorate and make it ours.
CHARLES:
No love lost between you two and the XHF then.
SLAIN:
I have never known what no love lost means, but I know it's bad so no. My best days were with the XHF, and in some ways the Network is still trying to prove it's worthy to share the name. In case some of those out there didn't realise, I'm an XHF original, but if I were in the ring would I be at the top? Would I have gained that much prowess in my time away? Unlikely. I accepted that my time was over with grace, and concentrated my efforts on the next big thing.
CHARLES:
Did you say big thing?
SLAIN:
Yes.
CHARLES:
Just checking.
SLAIN:
Venom should know this. He himself rose out of Scorpion's shadow to surpass him, just as Thob is doing now. His suggestion that he's going to save the network is ridiculous.
** Slain turns towards the camera. **
SLAIN:
Venom mate, we've all seen what happened when you were drafted in to put GXW on the map. You're no saviour. You live up to your name because you're poison. The big difference between you and my client is that my client is employed. Every single promotion she has been in has not only survived, but prospered, just like herself. You on the other hand, have you ever been part of a promotion that hasn't folded? You're representing GXW in this match but we all know you're a guest, and guests can outstay their welcome. Just don't stick around because some of us like what we're setting up here.
** Slain is disrupted by the sound of one of the children crying. A member of the crew steps over and whispers into his ear. **
SLAIN:
What? What kind of a parent calls their child 'Venom'? Jesus Christ people shouldn't be allowed to have kids any more. Come here little fella.
** Slain picks up the boy for a comforting hug but reels away when he senses a smell coming from his pants. Holding him at arms length he looks around and decides to lean him over the edge, dunking him into the passing water. The boy disappears behind a mound of surf for a few seconds, before being lifted back up onto deck, now with a blank expression and shivering. **
SLAIN:
There we go. Funky and fresh. Man this boat is the best. Parenting is so much easier without the parents.
** In the background a small crowd of emotionally distraught adults can be briefly seen on the lakeside scrolling past. **
SLAIN
Plus it's the ideal training tool. Thob has been using it all day for staying-in-a-boat practise.
CHARLES:
Ah yes, the B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray presents: Buried at Sea Match tonight.
SLAIN:
It's a high stakes match, and one that ties directly into the strengths of the opponent. I've seen the promos. Curtis practically lives in a boat. The sponsorship doesn't exactly fill me with hope about the odds being fair. B.A.N.G Fish Attractant Spray would make terrible presents, and everyone knows the greatest fish attractant liquid is water.
CHARLES:
It may be the first time we've seen this type of match. How do you go about planning for something like this?
SLAIN:
You have to own it. This Buried at Sea match will be the archetype. The match against which all other matches of its kind will be compared. It's also a brutal test ahead of Thob's highest profile match. Getting into a boat with Curtis Kanyon is like... getting into a lions' den with some lions. It'll be a baptism of fire, though the upside is that with this setting it's unlikely there's going to be any more actual fire. The Fish Attractant spray could be a dangerous weapon in the match, but he'll need more than fish. Yes Kanyon, you can attract shark after shark and my client will simply jump them. You'll need to be goddamn Aquaman to call enough help to turn this match, and Aquaman's image is the last thing we'll see in the AWF. You say you're willing to sink to the lowest depths that your opponent does? That's good, because the only way Thob is going down tonight is if she's bringing you down with her.
CHARLES:
...and back in the room.
SLAIN:
Right, yes. Sorry some things just sound better in second person. Any way while we're here I thought we'd clear something that had been bugging me. Even if Thob emerges victorious in the Gold War, Mongo still hurts her because chances are she's going to take a fall during it. People will see her being pinned for the first time, and her awesome aura will be damaged. Frankly, I don't think any of the match's participants deserve the honour of that landmark, so I'm going to take it away from them. Thob! Commence Operation Trojan Borgs.
** Slain rolls Thob over so that she is laying on her back. He invites the children to climb on. One does and Slain counts to three. **
SLAIN:
My terms, not Mongo's. Winning the war is all that matters. There's no point taking heart from winning the battles, because even if you manage to score a temporary fall over the face of the new generation here, then you're no better than... what's your name little dude?
CHILD:
Venom!
SLAIN:
Dagh. I didn't recognise you now you're smiling.
** Slain is distracted by his phone once again. **
SLAIN:
Mongo shut the fuck up. I didn't respond to your first three messages what makes you think I'll respond to your fourth? Lakes don't even have walls.
** The boat crashes into a bicycle repair shop. **
