Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyy! (EoD PPV X RP)
Oct 24, 2017 20:37:23 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Slainmaker, and 1 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Oct 24, 2017 20:37:23 GMT -5
**Fade in. Highway. Night of EoD 4**
*We open to see Curtis Kanyon in a car.*
Curtis: What a rush! What a feel! I did it! I beat Thob! No one else, I hold a victory over the portly porky! You didn’t believe in me, but I won the Buried at Sea match! I showed off the awesomeoness of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! And I made you all see that I am the best! Venom, Harold, Thob, none of them can touch me!
*Curtis laughs.*
Curtis: What a thrill! What a rush! What a—
*The car swerves! Did I mention that Curtis isn’t driving? The camera zooms out to reveal he’s being driven by DJ Jazzy Jensen!*
DJ: Sorry buuuh-dee! I got distracted by one of those AWF electric billboards. Gotta look up that Steele dude when I get home.
Curtis: Oh yeah, I need to get on fixing that. Eventually. But tonight, we celebrate!
DJ: So… I’m not taking you home?
Curtis: No, we must party as hard as they are in Valhalla!
DJ: Saweet!
Curtis: Now don’t crash!
**Fade out.
Fade in. Cheetarah’s. Seedy part of Kalamazoo.**
*We find Curtis and DJ Jazzy in a “gentlemen’s club.” We may allow some cursing here and there, but even a network has some FCC rules, so a lot of things are blurred out. I know, we also employee Steele, it doesn’t make sense.*
Curtis: This is a great place to celebrate! Oh hey, a Prestige Girl!
DJ: Yeah, I know this place is great, I work here two days a week.
Curtis: Sweet, then drinks on you!
DJ: But I—
**Fade out.
Fade in. Twenty minutes later.**
Curtis: ANOTHER!
*Curtis throws his beer mug on the ground.*
Curtis: HA HA HA! Yes! Jusht like the great mighty Thor! I can—hic—I can hold my own!
DJ: I have never seen someone drink so much so fast!
Curtis: Hey filthy rat bastard—
*Wink.*
Curtis: -- I need another! NOW! I defeated the champion Thor …Thub …Thob, THOB! TTHHOOOOOOOBBBB! Hey look, another Prestige Girl!
DJ: Yessir siree duuuude! Wicka wicka, spin it backward!
Curtis: Shpin-a-wha? Are you… talking in DJ sounds?
DJ: You know it broseff! Buh-buh-buh-BAAAAA!!!
Curtis: I can’t… why are you the way that you are?
DJ: Because I’m a rockin’ deej yo!
Curtis: We’ve never… oh man my head, we’ve never talked before did we?
DJ: Not really bro-sephine. It’s nice to finally catch up with you homes. Get to know you, let you know my five year plan, get out of this hell hole that is Bro-hio, and finally become world famous. You’re my meal tix Mister mister.
Curtis: I’m sorry, this—this conversation is really sobering me up. Let’s just… take a step backward. Right?
DJ: Spin it backward bro!
Curtis: Let’s just… you stand maybe ten feet back real quick.
DJ: Like say…right here?
Curtis: Yeah, yeah, great great.
DJ: So my plan Mister K is that you have m—
*Before DJ Jazzy Jensen can finish his sentence, Curtis charges into him with a BANG! Jazzy lands in a heap on the ground and Curtis gets up.*
Curtis: I need another couple-a beers and this piece of trash out of here! But keep putting my beers on his card. Oh hey, it’s R--
**Fade out.
Fade in. Five minutes later.**
*Curtis is up on the stage, beer in hand, swinging around the pole. Don’t worry, his clothes are on.*
Curtis: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Randy Angel jumps on stage with a beer in his hand.*
Randy: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
**Fade out.
Fade in. Two days later. Casa de Kanyon.**
*Curtis is laying on the living room couch.*
Curtis: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyy!
*His wife, Esmerelda, enters the room.*
Esmerelda: Honey-pie, it’s about time you woke up!
Curtis: Did I wake up in time to catch football?
Esmerelda: No sweetie, you’ve been on that couch for two days.
Curtis: WHAT!?
*Curtis sits up.*
Esmerelda: Yes, you came home Sunday night by Lyft, because fuck Uber.
Curtis: I did? I went out with DJ Jensen, what happened to him?
Esmerelda: He’s suing now because you gave him a BANG!
Curtis: You’re so sexy when you say it. And now that you mention it, that sounds right. Just put his serving papers in the pile with all the rest.
Esmerelda: Already did.
Curtis: That’s why you’re the best! Yeah, sorry, I guess I gloriously celebrated my victory over Thob a little too much. But I must give back to Thor for granting me the glory of battle! Grant it, it wasn’t a long battle, but it was a dominant battle, Thob didn’t even stand a chance! I destroyed Thob worse than she destroyed that bike shop!
Esmerelda: Don’t forget all the poor children!
Curtis: Kids are made to be broken. They get injured all the time. Builds character.
Esmerelda: I suppose.
Curtis: I will celebrate even harder when I will beat Thob again babe, I will make her squeal in pain.
Esmerelda: Really? A poor animal? You know she’s just being abused by that horrible man Slain. In fact, I think Thob may not even be the same pig. She never looks the same. He has some sort of… sort of… harem of pigs!
Curtis: Hmmm… nah, no way. It’s like how I have different singlets. And Thob is the competitor so I have to threaten her, not Slain. But I’m going to be giving Slain all my punchies. So when I say Thob, I mean Slain.
Esmerelda: Then when you say Slain, do you mean Thob?
Curtis: I… do I? Maybe? I don’t know. It's very confusing. But Slain or Thob or whoever, I am going to destroy, as well as Harold and Venom. I’m going to take the most falls and I’m going to take that X*Crown.
Esmerelda: Oh, that reminds me! While you were out, Venom visited Chris’s resting place. He tried to communicate with him via Ouija Board. It was all over the network on replay.
Curtis: WHAT A FOOL! Seriously? What kind of idiot! Doesn’t he know that you can’t talk to the dead with a Ouija Board!?
Esmerelda: Yeah, he was jus—
Curtis: You need a crystal ball and a professional! Duh! What does that son of a bitch think he’s doing! Is he trying to sully the Kanyon good name! Is he trying to make Chris a joke!?
Esmerelda: Actually, he said Chris was the better brother.
Curtis: I –wow, uh… I, okay… that was… I’m speechless on that one. It’s true. Chris is the betta brother. I mean, hell yeah I wanted to get out of his shadow. But I wanted to do it in front of him, with him giving me a thumbs up. And that can’t happen now. Now it’s not about getting out of my brothers shadow, but carrying on his legacy. My brother will always be betta than I was. And he’s not around to compare any more, damnit I wish he was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stand on top of that mountain and be seen as a great wrestler of my own. This isn’t redemption, this isn’t being better than someone else, this is making my own goals and destroying the competition. And okay, it also about being better than some people. The three other people, and one animal, in this match coming up. You understand, don’t you babe?
Esmerelda: Of course I do.
Randy: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyy!
*Randy Angel gets up from behind the couch.*
Esmerelda: Oh yeah, he came home with you in your Lyft, because fuck Uber. I didn’t want to touch him because he smells.
Curtis: Makes sense. But this works out. Hey man, since you’re here you can interview me!
Randy: Um…what? Where am I? My brother is the interviewer, not me.
Curtis: Oh, well then you suck! Want some pancakes?
Randy: Oh man, that’d be great! I feel like I got run over by a truck and drained by a vampire.
Curtis: Ha, I feel ya ma—
*Curtis’s eyes go wide.*
Curtis: By jove, I’ve got it! Honey, I’m fixing the advertisement problem! I mean, B.A.N.G. sales are up and AWF has more name recognition than ever, but to get stupid Ohio off our backs.
Esmerelda: Okay, but when you get back home, you’re going to help me sell my salsa with all your amazing advertising know how!
Curtis: Yes dear. But first!
*Curtis darts out of the house. He sure is in a hurry. *
Randy: Can I still get those pancakes?
Esmerelda: Sure. But first, try my delicious salsa, it’s a family secret recipe! Coming to a store near you, your taste buds will feel ...the ...BANG!
*Esmerelda grabs the camera man and makes the camera look directly at the label.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Bethesda. Morristown Baseball Field.**
*Curtis is staring at the electronic advertisement across the street. We see a blur of course, because children. Beanz and Copycat walk up to him. Beanz looks like he’s barely slept, Copycat looks as disheveled as usual, so who knows if he’s sleeping or not.*
Curtis: Boys, I’m going to fix this Ohio problem.
Beanz: An’ eel finallah get sum slee?
Curtis: What? Yeah, why not. Beanz, I want you to take this…
*Curtis hands Beanz a metal javelin. The Olympic kind. Is there other kinds? I’m not sure.*
Curtis: …hurl it at the screen with your massive arms and strength, yeah?
*Beanz shrugs and hurls the javelin.*
Copycat: Oh, is it like, special? Does it have some sort of microchip that will download a virus into the system when it touches the screen?
*The javelin smashes into the screen, shorting it out and causing the screen to turn into static as it cracks from Beanz mightily thrown javelin.*
Curtis: No Copycat, don’t be silly. You see, my drinking buddy reminded me that much like a vampire, if you destroy the first ad, the rest will fall. And this is where I first debuted my genius ad campaign.
Copycat: But isn’t the screen run by a computer?
Curtis: Yeah.
Copycat: Well, at the library, when one computer doesn’t work, I just use the next one.
Curtis: That’s the library this is obvio—
*Beanz taps on Curtis’s shoulder. Then points to the left. Curtis and Copycat look left at the OTHER near by electronic billboard and the AWF/Steele/pr0n advertisement is still playing. A car swerves into another car right as they are passing the billboard.*
Curtis: SON OF A BITCH!
Copycat: I don’t think I’ve seen this one! Why is he spreading that girls bu--
Beanz: Yuh e’er ear ah tossin’ a sala?
Curtis: She should have had enema’d, that brown eye looks just like Harold Campbell.
**Fade out.**
*We open to see Curtis Kanyon in a car.*
Curtis: What a rush! What a feel! I did it! I beat Thob! No one else, I hold a victory over the portly porky! You didn’t believe in me, but I won the Buried at Sea match! I showed off the awesomeoness of B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! And I made you all see that I am the best! Venom, Harold, Thob, none of them can touch me!
*Curtis laughs.*
Curtis: What a thrill! What a rush! What a—
*The car swerves! Did I mention that Curtis isn’t driving? The camera zooms out to reveal he’s being driven by DJ Jazzy Jensen!*
DJ: Sorry buuuh-dee! I got distracted by one of those AWF electric billboards. Gotta look up that Steele dude when I get home.
Curtis: Oh yeah, I need to get on fixing that. Eventually. But tonight, we celebrate!
DJ: So… I’m not taking you home?
Curtis: No, we must party as hard as they are in Valhalla!
DJ: Saweet!
Curtis: Now don’t crash!
**Fade out.
Fade in. Cheetarah’s. Seedy part of Kalamazoo.**
*We find Curtis and DJ Jazzy in a “gentlemen’s club.” We may allow some cursing here and there, but even a network has some FCC rules, so a lot of things are blurred out. I know, we also employee Steele, it doesn’t make sense.*
Curtis: This is a great place to celebrate! Oh hey, a Prestige Girl!
DJ: Yeah, I know this place is great, I work here two days a week.
Curtis: Sweet, then drinks on you!
DJ: But I—
**Fade out.
Fade in. Twenty minutes later.**
Curtis: ANOTHER!
*Curtis throws his beer mug on the ground.*
Curtis: HA HA HA! Yes! Jusht like the great mighty Thor! I can—hic—I can hold my own!
DJ: I have never seen someone drink so much so fast!
Curtis: Hey filthy rat bastard—
*Wink.*
Curtis: -- I need another! NOW! I defeated the champion Thor …Thub …Thob, THOB! TTHHOOOOOOOBBBB! Hey look, another Prestige Girl!
DJ: Yessir siree duuuude! Wicka wicka, spin it backward!
Curtis: Shpin-a-wha? Are you… talking in DJ sounds?
DJ: You know it broseff! Buh-buh-buh-BAAAAA!!!
Curtis: I can’t… why are you the way that you are?
DJ: Because I’m a rockin’ deej yo!
Curtis: We’ve never… oh man my head, we’ve never talked before did we?
DJ: Not really bro-sephine. It’s nice to finally catch up with you homes. Get to know you, let you know my five year plan, get out of this hell hole that is Bro-hio, and finally become world famous. You’re my meal tix Mister mister.
Curtis: I’m sorry, this—this conversation is really sobering me up. Let’s just… take a step backward. Right?
DJ: Spin it backward bro!
Curtis: Let’s just… you stand maybe ten feet back real quick.
DJ: Like say…right here?
Curtis: Yeah, yeah, great great.
DJ: So my plan Mister K is that you have m—
*Before DJ Jazzy Jensen can finish his sentence, Curtis charges into him with a BANG! Jazzy lands in a heap on the ground and Curtis gets up.*
Curtis: I need another couple-a beers and this piece of trash out of here! But keep putting my beers on his card. Oh hey, it’s R--
**Fade out.
Fade in. Five minutes later.**
*Curtis is up on the stage, beer in hand, swinging around the pole. Don’t worry, his clothes are on.*
Curtis: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Randy Angel jumps on stage with a beer in his hand.*
Randy: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
**Fade out.
Fade in. Two days later. Casa de Kanyon.**
*Curtis is laying on the living room couch.*
Curtis: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyy!
*His wife, Esmerelda, enters the room.*
Esmerelda: Honey-pie, it’s about time you woke up!
Curtis: Did I wake up in time to catch football?
Esmerelda: No sweetie, you’ve been on that couch for two days.
Curtis: WHAT!?
*Curtis sits up.*
Esmerelda: Yes, you came home Sunday night by Lyft, because fuck Uber.
Curtis: I did? I went out with DJ Jensen, what happened to him?
Esmerelda: He’s suing now because you gave him a BANG!
Curtis: You’re so sexy when you say it. And now that you mention it, that sounds right. Just put his serving papers in the pile with all the rest.
Esmerelda: Already did.
Curtis: That’s why you’re the best! Yeah, sorry, I guess I gloriously celebrated my victory over Thob a little too much. But I must give back to Thor for granting me the glory of battle! Grant it, it wasn’t a long battle, but it was a dominant battle, Thob didn’t even stand a chance! I destroyed Thob worse than she destroyed that bike shop!
Esmerelda: Don’t forget all the poor children!
Curtis: Kids are made to be broken. They get injured all the time. Builds character.
Esmerelda: I suppose.
Curtis: I will celebrate even harder when I will beat Thob again babe, I will make her squeal in pain.
Esmerelda: Really? A poor animal? You know she’s just being abused by that horrible man Slain. In fact, I think Thob may not even be the same pig. She never looks the same. He has some sort of… sort of… harem of pigs!
Curtis: Hmmm… nah, no way. It’s like how I have different singlets. And Thob is the competitor so I have to threaten her, not Slain. But I’m going to be giving Slain all my punchies. So when I say Thob, I mean Slain.
Esmerelda: Then when you say Slain, do you mean Thob?
Curtis: I… do I? Maybe? I don’t know. It's very confusing. But Slain or Thob or whoever, I am going to destroy, as well as Harold and Venom. I’m going to take the most falls and I’m going to take that X*Crown.
Esmerelda: Oh, that reminds me! While you were out, Venom visited Chris’s resting place. He tried to communicate with him via Ouija Board. It was all over the network on replay.
Curtis: WHAT A FOOL! Seriously? What kind of idiot! Doesn’t he know that you can’t talk to the dead with a Ouija Board!?
Esmerelda: Yeah, he was jus—
Curtis: You need a crystal ball and a professional! Duh! What does that son of a bitch think he’s doing! Is he trying to sully the Kanyon good name! Is he trying to make Chris a joke!?
Esmerelda: Actually, he said Chris was the better brother.
Curtis: I –wow, uh… I, okay… that was… I’m speechless on that one. It’s true. Chris is the betta brother. I mean, hell yeah I wanted to get out of his shadow. But I wanted to do it in front of him, with him giving me a thumbs up. And that can’t happen now. Now it’s not about getting out of my brothers shadow, but carrying on his legacy. My brother will always be betta than I was. And he’s not around to compare any more, damnit I wish he was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t stand on top of that mountain and be seen as a great wrestler of my own. This isn’t redemption, this isn’t being better than someone else, this is making my own goals and destroying the competition. And okay, it also about being better than some people. The three other people, and one animal, in this match coming up. You understand, don’t you babe?
Esmerelda: Of course I do.
Randy: Uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Whyyyyyyyyy!
*Randy Angel gets up from behind the couch.*
Esmerelda: Oh yeah, he came home with you in your Lyft, because fuck Uber. I didn’t want to touch him because he smells.
Curtis: Makes sense. But this works out. Hey man, since you’re here you can interview me!
Randy: Um…what? Where am I? My brother is the interviewer, not me.
Curtis: Oh, well then you suck! Want some pancakes?
Randy: Oh man, that’d be great! I feel like I got run over by a truck and drained by a vampire.
Curtis: Ha, I feel ya ma—
*Curtis’s eyes go wide.*
Curtis: By jove, I’ve got it! Honey, I’m fixing the advertisement problem! I mean, B.A.N.G. sales are up and AWF has more name recognition than ever, but to get stupid Ohio off our backs.
Esmerelda: Okay, but when you get back home, you’re going to help me sell my salsa with all your amazing advertising know how!
Curtis: Yes dear. But first!
*Curtis darts out of the house. He sure is in a hurry. *
Randy: Can I still get those pancakes?
Esmerelda: Sure. But first, try my delicious salsa, it’s a family secret recipe! Coming to a store near you, your taste buds will feel ...the ...BANG!
*Esmerelda grabs the camera man and makes the camera look directly at the label.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Bethesda. Morristown Baseball Field.**
*Curtis is staring at the electronic advertisement across the street. We see a blur of course, because children. Beanz and Copycat walk up to him. Beanz looks like he’s barely slept, Copycat looks as disheveled as usual, so who knows if he’s sleeping or not.*
Curtis: Boys, I’m going to fix this Ohio problem.
Beanz: An’ eel finallah get sum slee?
Curtis: What? Yeah, why not. Beanz, I want you to take this…
*Curtis hands Beanz a metal javelin. The Olympic kind. Is there other kinds? I’m not sure.*
Curtis: …hurl it at the screen with your massive arms and strength, yeah?
*Beanz shrugs and hurls the javelin.*
Copycat: Oh, is it like, special? Does it have some sort of microchip that will download a virus into the system when it touches the screen?
*The javelin smashes into the screen, shorting it out and causing the screen to turn into static as it cracks from Beanz mightily thrown javelin.*
Curtis: No Copycat, don’t be silly. You see, my drinking buddy reminded me that much like a vampire, if you destroy the first ad, the rest will fall. And this is where I first debuted my genius ad campaign.
Copycat: But isn’t the screen run by a computer?
Curtis: Yeah.
Copycat: Well, at the library, when one computer doesn’t work, I just use the next one.
Curtis: That’s the library this is obvio—
*Beanz taps on Curtis’s shoulder. Then points to the left. Curtis and Copycat look left at the OTHER near by electronic billboard and the AWF/Steele/pr0n advertisement is still playing. A car swerves into another car right as they are passing the billboard.*
Curtis: SON OF A BITCH!
Copycat: I don’t think I’ve seen this one! Why is he spreading that girls bu--
Beanz: Yuh e’er ear ah tossin’ a sala?
Curtis: She should have had enema’d, that brown eye looks just like Harold Campbell.
**Fade out.**
