Post by RENT - A - HERO on Oct 25, 2017 17:42:56 GMT -5
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, WELCOME TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF;
THE CRIMSON DEFENDER!
~~SWEET, RETRO SUPERHERO MUSIC, SPINNING GRAPHICS AN’ STUFF~~
*We find our unlikely heroes camped up alongside their rust-bucket RV, a makeshift HQ of their operations. They have moved locations since we last saw them, and are the site of where it all began for Rent-A-Hero….the Morristown Baseball Field. He has come to observe matches here from afar (because he is too cheap to pay for tickets on the door), and has met the fans and greeted them with smiles (not really, he beat up two kids a few weeks back). Right now, the RV is parked by the pitch, and the duo are sitting outside on two fold-out lounger chairs. Both are sipping on beers- PBR, the true king of beers. Some bushwhacking-bluegrass music is playing from the RV, serenading them as they relax.*
“Now this, this is the good life Blue….we should have come here sooner.”
“Yeah, this is real darn sweet…enjoy it while we can though, this weather ain’t gonna be this nice to us fer much longer.”
“Yeah, ain’t that a bitch….”
*The last days of the ‘Indian summer’ are fading, and the final warmth from the sun is fading. As the hero’s relax and enjoy it, savoring what is left of summer, life suddenly hits them in the face….no, really. Red gets hit in the face by a stray ball.*
“OOF!.....What the….fuck?...Who did this! Who!”
*A small girl approaches, cute as a button in her softball uniform.*
“I’m sorry mister, may I have my ball back please?”
“What….aww, how cute! Such a precious little darling! Is this your ball, the one that just hit me?”
“Yes, that’s it! You found it! Thanks!!”
“Aww, that’s OK. How cute….”
*Red stands up and just fucking hucks the ball as far as he can down the park. The little girl just looks on as her ball soars away into the distance, lost forever.*
“Next time you should look where you are hitting your balls, then you won't have to go chasing them. Hmm?”
*The little girl bursts into tears and runs off, hysterical that the scary man just ruined her day.*
“Little harsh Boss, wouldn’t ya say?”
“She needs to learn. If her family won’t educate her on manners, then I certainly won’t stand idly by while she floats through life as a waster.”
*Red chugs the rest of his can of beer, crushes it in his hand, and tosses it over his shoulder onto the grass. He burps loudly, then stretches his arms out, yawning.*
“Yup, it’s been a good summer….and will only get better soon. After this week’s match, I’ll be a made man!”
“But what about the crimefightin’?”
“What about it?”
“Are ya gonna jist forgit all about that now? Once you become a superstar wrastlin’ champion?”
“Nonsense Blue, sure it’s been a little slow recently…..damn small-town hillbillies, all keeping to themselves…..but no town is perfect. And we are here to find the evil and stomp it out!”
“Yeah, well I just hope you don’t get into too much trouble this weekend y’know…”
“Trouble? Blue, I am good! Look at me, I am untouchable!”
*He poses, weirdly, like a freeze-frame jumping jack. His beer belly sticks out from his suit, a little gut exposed in the gap between top and bottoms. *
“This weekend, I go from being a nobody superhero, savior of the night, to a worldwide recognized superstar….of justice!”
“Yeah Red, yeah! I like the sound of that!....but yer gotta beat them other fellers first. And there’s a lot of them!”
“Pish-posh Blue, you’re talking through your anus. I’ll have no problems against those fools, let me tell you…”
*He signals for a beer, and Blue tosses his one from a cooler box behind his folding lounger.*
“....who have they placed me up against? Like, really, who are those guys? Nobodys! That’s who! I’ve made headlines from East to Central America!”
“Yeah, on crimeline….”
“....they put me in against….against…...what’s his name? The stoner one?”
“Harry. Sveetnuts.”
“Yeah, Happy Numbnuts. What a moronic name, and even bigger idiot if he thinks he stands a chance! I will put him down in the match, and then put him away for his crime of being a stoner jackass, and ruining the minds of today’s youth.”
“You also have Matthew Jewels and Miles Kingsley…”
“Who?”
“Matthew Jewels and-”
“No, I heard you, but I asked WHO? Like, who the hell are they even? NOBODY! They didn’t even RP for the match yet!”
“....huh?”
“Next you’ll tell me to be worried about Mini the Mad!”
“I don't think Minos is mad, just messed up….”
“Yeah well we’ve all seen his clips, his footage. Fake blood and pretend violence. Man, if there was an ounce of real terror in him I’d be impressed. If he was a real super-villain, man...that would be sweet. Especially how he looks, I could be Batman and he could be….”
“...The Joker?”
“CATWOMAN! He could be Catwoman. Yes, that is who he reminds me of. Mini….haha…..I said HAHA!”
“HH-HA Boss, but he looks nothing like Catwoman…..Halle Berry is much prettier…...What about the other two? Maverick and Jack Diamond?”
“What about them? Are they good? Do we know anything about them? Should I be bothered?”
*He chugs his beer, excess pouring out the sides of his mouth and down his face.*
“I mean, they are new here too, right? Probably flew in from some lame, travelling circus. Two oiled up grease-boys, looking to come here and share their weird stories about wrestling pigs or something.”
“Er….they wrestling pigs here too Boss. The X*Crown Champ is a pig after all….remember?”
"I had forgotten about that…..nonetheless, I won’t waste time worrying about Mickey Rick, the drunken Irishman. ‘Oh, where’s me lucky charmes! Me lucky charmes! Top o’ de mornin’ to ya! Ah to be sure to be sure!’ I bet he’s not even Irish..”
*Blue cracks up on Red’s impersonation, slapping his knee.*
“Haha, oh Boss. Now do Diamond!”
“Uh….’oh, look at me, Jacky Diamond! To be sure to be sure! Top o’ de mornin’ to ya! Half past tree!’....now, happy?”
“Hahaha….wait…..Diamond isn’t Irish?”
“....these men think they can come here and make a name for themselves, then that’s good. Real good. Let them get comfortable, get really comfortable. Then when they mess up, and screw ups always make mistakes, I’ll be there, ready to pounce. Like a shark in the night….RRAWR!”
“Nice….shark's don't pounce, or roar, by the way…..”
*Red swamps down the last of his can, crushes it in his hand and again tosses it over his shoulder.*
“Hey! Asshole!”
*Marching up from behind him, Rent-A-Hero is approached by a very angry looking man, brow furrowed in a temper.*
“Relax buddy, it's only a beer can. The birds will eat it or somethin’....”
“Are you the dickhead that threw my daughter's ball away?”
“Your daughters what?....oh, that little angel…..she is adorable. Good work mister, you and your penis.”
“She said you threw her ball away, into the bushes.”
“Yeah, about that...see she hit me with it, right here, on the jaw. Still sore to touch-”
*He touches his face, and overtly dramatically winches with pain.*
“See, it’s not right. My jaw will be clicking like a cricket all night. I wanted to teach her a valuable lesson about hitting people with balls, and ruining their relaxation time….”
“What kind of sick, weirdo are you…..what are you even dressed up as?! I oughta kick your ass buddy…..”
“Hey, pal. Cool it. You daughter smacked one right here, got me squat on the smirker. Now me and my pals are just here enjoying the last of the summer sun, and stray balls are flying. Maybe go teach your daughter how to play, maybe that should be higher on your list of priorities!”
“She’s the captain of her little league team…..this is their practise time…..and you parked your heap of shit RV on the outfield!”
*Red looks around him, and steps aside from the RV, to notice an entire little league practice being played behind the vehicle. And the man is right, they are parked right in the field, not beside or or nothing.*
“Dammit Blue, why do you suck so much at parking….”
“Dunno Boss! I’ve only had twelve beers today!”
“Now...are you going to go get my daughter’s ball, or am I going to have to make you!”
“Listen here tough guy, I don’t think you fully understand the gravity of the situation. See, we here….we’re heroes. In fact, my name is…..the Crimson Defe-”
*Before he has a chance to finish posing or announcing his name, the man pegs him hard into the stomach, almost collapsing him.*
“HYUUHHH!......What the…...fuck…..”
“I am not going to ask again….”
*Through gritted teeth.*
“.....get my daughters fucking ball form the-”
*Red instinctively stands up and headbutts the man right into the forehead, knocking him backwards onto his ass….but the man isn’t dazed, just angrier. He feels his forehead, and begins to growl, as Red starts to move away. As the man gets to his feet, Red starts running away, the irate father is quick pursuit. Red runs towards the little league practice, the father roaring and chasing him down. A crowd of young girls scream as the half-drunk, weird man dressed in a red hero’s outfit barrels through them, shooting for the bleachers. Either down to the booze, or his general poor vision, Rent-A-Hero makes a dive for the bleachers…..not realizing the mesh fence protecting the audiences from stray balls. The father catches up to him and starts immediately kicking the absolute shit out of him, as the little league kids cheer him on. Back at the RV, Blue cracks open another beer, and sing’s himself a dainty little tune.*
~~GROOVY, 1960’S STYLE SPINNING SCENE TRANSITION….WITH CATCHY BEAT~~
*We return to the duo, back at their RV, but relocated to another part of the park away from the baseball field. Both men are sitting outside the vehicle on their folding chairs, Blue still chugging away at the PBR’s, and Red holding a cold beer to his face. His lip is bruised, swollen. His nose is stuffed with tissue, which looks bloody. And he looks to be in pain overall. *
“....those little brats, who ever taught them they can hit strangers with bats like that….”
“Well you wus attackin’ their Daddy…”
“He attacked me! The bastard, he got lucky, I was tired….the beer must have dulled my normally astute quick reflexes…”
“Yeah that's probably it...you shouldn’ have run into that fence none either I reckon.”
“I did see the frickin’ fence….let’s just drop it….”
“Hope you’re not too sore and tender for Sunday, Boss. Them boys won’t take it easy on you y’know, going in there all lit up like a target an’ all.”
“What are you saying Blue? That I look out of place?”
*Blue takes a look at Red….covered head to toe in a bright red, homemade hero costume, his only exposed features are his eyes and mouth. His nose is stuffed with bloody tissue, hanging out like a cruddy moustache. One eye looks bruised, and his lip is definitely swelling up.*
“Am just sayin’, they mights be gunnin’ for you is all. They are tryin’ to show off on their first night out there too y’know….”
“Yeah, maybe…..fuck…...I can’t risk coming this close, and lose it all on the first shot. I need to beat those jerks, and get out of there with a victory.”
“It’s a two’fer, so there’s gonna be two pin falls. Just gotta be sure to be the second person gettin’ the pin. Or both, and be one lucky S.O.B.”
“Yeah….yeah, you’re right! I just have to get one of the two, and I’m golden! Dammit, just need to figure out a way to ween those idiots off me, and have them work each other down a bit more….”
“Well, you’ve got a tough hide on you to take a beating. Why not just take your time, block them off, let them wail on you and when they get tired, knock them down.”
“Hmm, like the Mayweather approach….I get what you are saying.”
“I was thinking more of the Homer Simpson approach…”
“Just let them hit me until they get tired, the strike when they are weak. Blue, you genius! That might work! In fact….that will work! I’ll bring my trusty sidearm with me too, in case the opportunity arises to get the upper hand.”
*He picks up a red monkey wrench from the floor, his prized sidearm and long arm of the law….the Red Justice! It’s really just a mechanic's wrench that he whacks people with. He’s crazy….like who the hell attacks people with a wrench?*
“You can’t go hitting folks with your wrench now, they’ll kick yer ass outta the ring!”
“Ah Blue, so naive….it's only cheating if you get caught! Now, after my little jaunt with the local parents, I think it's time for me to do some REAL training for this match, like, SUPER real training!”
*Red stands up, chugs from his beer, and yet again, crushes it and tosses it over his shoulder, like the piece of shit he is. He does some stretching, stretching his calves, quads, getting warmed up for a run. He burps loudly, followed by a squeaky fart, much to Blue’s dismay.*
“Prepare your eyes Blue, for they are about to feast on the delicious bounty of a superhero in action…..MONTAGE TIME!”
*Red runs off on a brisk jog, as a montage plays of him running and doing sprints, doing jumping jacks, push-ups, sit-ups, cartwheels? Backflips and frontflips, belly flips and FLIPS KIRA. He runs to a bush, and unleashes a flurry of punches into it, a combo so impressive that Angels swoon. He runs up to a tree and kick the bark clean off it, camera zooming in on his face….pure power! The montage continues like that for a bit...with this badass music playing the whole time…
….Rent-A-Hero, rips off all his clothes, except his mask. Never his mask! He is now boxing with Blue, hitting beer cans in Blue’s hands, shuffling and dancing in nothing but his mask, soiled y-fronts and sneakers. He’s rocking the shit out of those y-fronts!! He jumps and does a slow motion spinning heel-kick, destroying a beer in Blue’s hand! He roars, in slow motion, as the camera zooms in on his face….TERROR!...He runs and flips off the edge of the RV, in slow motion….POWER!......he ducks under one of Blue’s dummy swings, and counters by kicking him straight in the balls…..in slow motion…...FURY!......He runs to the top of the stairs of the bleachers in Morristown Baseball Field, throws his arms up like Rocky and celebrates his hard, amazing workout-montage! Parents scream at him, children cry, he’s still wearing nothing but shitty y-fronts….INTIMIDATION!.....The father from earlier chases him again, and he flees from the field once more, faking his turns left then right, then left until the father gives up…..DIVERSION!......he jumps through the air, in slow motion, and clears over Blue who is sitting down sipping his beers still…..in slow motion…..FINESSE!.....*
“BLEURGH…...oh my God, I think I am dying…..”
“That’s OK Boss, first time an’ all, you’ll get better.”
*Red is now back at the RV, but on his hands and knees, his face stuck in the bushes, puking his soul up.*
“Oh fuck...I think my liver came out…”
“Jus’ outta shape a lil’, nothin’ wrong with that Boss”
“Kill….me…..BLEURGH!.....oh sweet baby Jesus….”
“You did good Boss, real good. That was a solid ten minutes of workout right there!”
“That was only ten minutes!? Oh fuck…...BLEURGHHHH!”
*Looks like our hero has a long way to go before he’s in fighting shape! But with time on his side, and a trusty sidekick to motivate him along the way, nothing will get in the way of his victory. Ohio knows he has arrived, the little leage’ers know he is here, their parents hate that he is here, but it’s time for the AWF to realize there is a new hero in town….one to stop degenerates like stoners, drunks and psychopaths to roam free. One man, to help bring peace to the world of wrestling, and that man is….The Crimson Defender!!!*
~~REALLY LOW-BUDGET, BUT SUPER KICK-ASS FREEZE FRAME/ SPIN OUT TRANSITION TO BLACK~~
JOIN US AGAIN IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE TO CATCH UP WITH THE ADVENTURES OF;
THE CRIMSON DEFENDER!
AND HIS TRUSTY SIDEKICK:
SUPER-BLUE!
