Steele Wars Episode 1: The Pornsome Menace [EoD PPV RP]
Oct 26, 2017 22:30:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 4 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Oct 26, 2017 22:30:24 GMT -5
*We open up in an unusual location. Ok just stick with me on this, it will ALL make sense … maybe not soon but by the end … of the series. This is a building in Ohio. It is a VERY tall and official looking building. We zoom in and enter the 15th floor. There are a couple of men in business suits (formal wear) walking past the elevator. The hallway empties and then we hear the characteristic “DING” of the elevator. The doors slowly slide open as we move camera angles to the side of the elevator to see who is coming out from the side. Tension y’all. A familiar figure steps out, looking armed to the teeth. And by that I mean in his usual attire except also carrying one of Saber-Tron’s many swords. Though this one looks oddly real. Like … glowing laser sword, not a plastic toy. This is most unusual! Oh and no I don’t need permission to use these characters because technically I’m not … so to speak. Just … read the whole series THEN you can judge ok? This is meant to just be for fun and to entertain you readers. I didn’t expect to still be posting this late in the tourney but it’s been fun so here is my Magnum Opus.*
: I still find it so frustrating dealing with all this primitive technology all for this very important mission. Since when are the mighty protectors of justice Team Tron called for to handle trade negotiations? And won’t this topic IMMEDIATELY turn off the many fans of the tales of the trons that had come before? So droll. … Also why are we kitted out with these amazing weapons if this is just a negotiation?
*His partner steps out and ….. what the … is this a ghost??? No not yet … but … stay tuned. Oh my it is the mentor and leader of the trons. LAZOR-TRON!*
: Now now my young friend, it is not wise to question such matters. Have I ever steered you wrong? Trust that we may need these as a last resort. The CEO didn’t seem exactly willing to comply with the demands of the city of Bethesda. And the CEO of AWF isn’t exactly … what’s the word? … Sane. Yes that’s right. He’s off fighting a war for gold! So it falls upon us to handle this grievous *wink* mission!
: Very well. I trust your judgment. But how are we supposed to convince this company to turn off the billboards?
: Well that is where our many persuasion techniques from … THE FUTURE! Come in handy. All we need to do is get the billboards turned off. Maybe slow down some of the distribution of all material with the star of this video for a few months to let the heat die down. But we can start with higher demands and negotiate our way down. … … Let’s be sure to also get souvenirs. Research purposes. I’m sure Mongo will enjoy them. Or at least Bongo.
*Just then as they turn a corner they are met by 3 business men carrying small laser guns! Oh this was never going to be easy but this seems almost like an ambush! The trons snap to attention (read: Pose) and raise their FUTURE SABERS! The blasts deflect off the sabers as they redirect back to two of the foes before Shogun rolls forward and slices the other in half. WHOA! That’s … that’s some PG-13 level violence right there. It’s fine they were probably just some lawyers. The trons regroup and move into an intersection of two hallways and out of each of the other three direction roll out 2 security guards each, all 6 carrying some heavy shock cannons. Shogun unleases his FUTURE BLASTER! Which seems to just push back two of the guards … like some kind of … force … came from it. Lazor steadily walks forward at the second grouping, dodging and using his sword to deflect blasts. No lasers for Lazor. He gets to the two guards and cuts them down into little pieces. Shogun leaps forward with a somersault and ices the two he had knocked over then lifts the arms of the men and fires at the third group to finish them off.*
: Lazor this is crazy. We are just here to negotiate an end to the deluge of pornography! What reason could they have to try and destroy us?
: I think our benefactor may not have actually been the city of Bethesda. This was a trap. They must be after us. This was a plan to destroy the trons!
: Oh my God, Force-like power or midichlorians for heathens! This is terrible news. We will surely need to fight our way out.
*Meanwhile in the CEO’s office, two men in tuxedos are seen sitting at a table looking at a screen. A skype call comes through.*
Man 1: The trons are in the trap. All is going as you have ordered. It won’t be long now before they are neutralized.
Man 2: Why is this necessary? We could easily turn off the billboards and this would all be over.
Shadowy man on video screen: NO! This is the way it must be. It is pre-ordained. They claim to have intimate knowledge of … THE FUTURE! … but they are mere pawns. They are powerless to the might of the sleezy side! They will be destroyed. And keep the billboards playing. They … they please me.
Man 1: Yes Lord Steelious! As you wish.
Man 2: *pushes intercom button* Gregory, manipulate the card key locks to allow them to floor 12 then send in everything we have. We will make them rue the day they came here. It will be … their END OF DAYS!
*The screen brightens and we see a hooded figure. He laughs maniacally!*
: Ha ha hahaha hahahahahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*The trons are mowing through security guards and business men as if they were … I don’t know some kind of robotic attack force. A droid army in a way. They are boxed in when suddenly the door behind them breaks down. It opens and reveals a stairwell. The upstairs is blocked off by a cave in. Someone has spilled file cabinets and their contents all down the stairs and it is quite impenetrable even for the FUTURE BLASTER and it’s new … dragonshout? Powers. The trons quickly make haste down three floors to an open door and bust in. The floor is quiet. They slowly move forward, on their guard. They enter an office with a window washer working the windows outside when the doors slam shut except for the one they came in! From behind them they hear the sound of many footsteps.*
: Hmmm … This is ominous. Quickly, let’s redecorate to get something between us and them. Use your wrist gauntlet to take them down as they enter.
*They begin turning over tables and hurling chairs into piles around the room to create some cover. They duck into two cubicles and wait. Men pour into the room firing wildly and blindly. The trons take cover occasionally using their swords to deflect blasts and Shogun firing from his wrist gauntlet. They are valiantly holding out but the men are circling and the two are now backed out of their cubicles.*
: Shogun! I have an idea. Enact plan “LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO JUMP!”
: That is crazy! We are twelve floors up. Even the mighty tron protectors cannot fly!
: Stop thinking and feel it out! You know it is the only way!
*Lazor leaps back and slices open the window and dives out. Shogun sighs and charges behind him. They land on the Window Washer cart! The cart sways and one cable snaps. They hold on and scream as it swings them down and then the other cable comes loose and they begin to also plummet. They ride the trolley down to the third floor before it catches and sends them spinning around the corner of the building 35 feet in the air. Shogun spots their salvation and uses his blaster to force them further up into the air and they both leap from it and land in a back yard swimming pool next door. As they come to the surface they see a few of the business men have blindly leapt from the building after them. Lazor quickly grabs a small boy and moves him out of the way and covers his eyes as the men splatter quite gruesomely on the patio.*
Boy: Thanks mister. I’m Jeremy Banks. My friends call me Jer Jer. You-sir saved my life! Me-sir in debt! How can I repay you?
: Whoa no no we aren’t doing that. Taking a small child with us? Especially one who sounds like he is going to be quite annoying? Mister Jeremy you can just direct us to the mayor’s office. This is a hostile takeover. We need to inform the mayor before he is destroyed by the evil one who is running that building there.
*Jeremy simply points to the town hall with its gold dome and then offers up his parent’s minivan.*
: I can think of at least ten modes of transportation better than this. But it will have to do.
*They hop in and drive off*
: No… no no no! This is unacceptable. Send in everyone. Take out the mayor, we must keep the billboards running. APPRENTICE! … come to me.
*The scene is now in the office of the dark lord. He has on his low cut shirt, fake chest hair, and still that cucumber down hi… oh wait … right. A shadowy figure walks in. He looks like a monster. Flowing 70’s hair and a sword are all that can be seen.*
Apprentice: Yes dark lord.
: It is going to end up being up to you. Follow them. And take them out.
Apprentice: As you command it!
*The apprentice leaves as Darth Steelious walks around his 70’s set.*
*We open up at the mayor’s office.*
: See how much quicker and smarter we got here without taking the kid with us?
: Yes. Now tell me what do you know about this situation my young friend?
: Well normally I wouldn’t know anything but our being from … THE FUTURE! Has given me certain insights. This is the work of Darth Steelious. Jackson Steele. The AWF Champion! And the Pornsome Menace. He is a dastardly one. He will stoop to new lows! He has done some horrible things. Things that are not mentionable in quiet conversation!
*The two men enter the town hall and begin the long walk to the mayor.*
: He is that foul in the ring?
: What? Oh no. In the ring the man is supremely talented. He earned that title. I will have to bring everything I have learned from fighting my three different styles of foe. He has proven to be able to move as well as Nelly Angel, as if he had some kind of testosterone boost. Like from all the extracurricular activity he does. He can be as violent and menacing as Price. He may not be the messiah of hardcore but he is no stranger to it. And he may not be nearly as large or strong as Hyperion *He holds his head as if remembering the fight* but he can use the power. And that is in addition to his strange otherworldly sleazy side powers. Did you see how he defeated the mighty XHF Legend Scorpion? I can’t explain it. There was no contact with his hands or feet. I choose to believe he used the sleaze to decimate his foe.
: Well what’s the alternative to that odd belief?
: *shudders* This is not an R-rated network broadcast Lazor. I cannot explain that one.
*Lazor just recoils in disgust.*
: Truly this man possesses the testicular fortitude to put on a fight. But outside of the ring he is a purveyor of filth and lies. Everything about him is fake, made for the camera. It disgusts me. And makes me feel sticky. I watched some of his exploits. They … did nothing for me … *coughs* yeah … but the research was worth it. I feel I have made a connection. And none too soon. He surely has been watching my exploits. And my variety of foes has worked against me as he has seen most every skill I have to offer. But his latest turn. Only a true evil sleaze would do what he did. The outfits … the production values. He must really want us gone. He is turning the clock even further back into … THE PAST! … despite that not working for Hyperion. Surely he has some scheme. He resorted to the most HEINOUS! Of crimes! BOTH OF THEM!
: You don’t mean … forging a time travel scenario … and kidnapping the elderly???
: THE VERY SAME!
: Oh my God, God-like Deity, or pure luck for atheists!
: Hey! Don’t step on my toes sir. Just because you are my mentor doesn’t mean I don’t get my own schtick! But yes. He kidnapped a nonagenarian to pretend to be himself from … THE FUTURE! I’ve never seen him in the records. Surely his exploits have caused him an early demise from all the diseases. I mean the woman with him sure seemed to believe the sets he keeps promoting from are diseased. And *shudder* then there was the small animal she pulled from between her legs. I … my fragile psyche could barely handle that horror.
: Actually my young friend that was a merkin! A pubic wig, only the finest men of the seventies here in …, THE PAST … wore those. I remember wear…er … hearing about people wearing them in the museum back home. Yup. Those are classy, the rest of the set up may not be but those sure are.
*Shogun stops in his tracks just dumbfounded. He shakes his head and then starts walking again.*
: Ok anyhow, this man is clearly not cut out to represent the XHF. It is up to us to take down this force for darkness and indecency!
*Just then the hallway fills with pornstars. They are all armed with clubs. Behind them come a bunch more guards and business men. The trons take their stances and fight through the fracas. It is quite the melee they are involved in. They eventually bust into the office of the mayor. There stands the mayor … who is … um … Nano-Tron … with a long wig and oranges shoved down his uniform front.*
: I immediately regret agreeing to be your assistant on this mission.
: Oh but mayor Nanodala you look stunning! … We must escape quickly. The porn corporation is being manipulated by Darth Steelious. A raid is happening, It is imperative they not capture you!
: Sigh … very well. Let’s go through this secret back door ….. I feel that is a poor scripting choice when challenging a porn empire … to get to the mayoral carriage. We must get to the senate.
*The various trons fight their way to the carriage and hop in. It’s actually quite the nice car. They bust down the road with the corporate tools in hot pursuit. Nano is doing a spectacular job of driving like he played a bunch of video games lately. A real James Bond. But there are too many of them and the car is forced off the road and BARRELS through the wall of a bicycle shop. As they exit the car and run next door into the town golf course the invading army is stopped by an explosion.*
Randy Angel: Yeah! That;ll show them to spill our liquor!
Tequila Kitty II: MROW!!
*The heroes emerge into the green barren landscape of a town golf course.*
: We seem to be stranded here at Golftooine. We will need some local help to be able to fix the car and get to the senate. This could be a challenge. Let’s head over to the pro shop and see if there is anyone to help us.
*They head to the pro shop. They look around but everyone is just too mean and stuff is too expensive. Finally they stumble on a very snooty looking golfer.*
: My good sir we are looking for some help fixing our car. We have urgent business at the state house. We have not much to offer but …
Man: Oh I say you chaps are not worth my time! I have balls to hit. My game is already suffering enough from the distraction caused by the golf course billboard playing that … highly … arousing … playlist. YOU HEARD NOTHING!
*He walks away but his caddy approaches.*
: Hey. I can fix the car if you can find a way to get the parts.
: Wait you aren’t a child!
: Yes well you didn’t remember to set this in … THE PAST! … so you have no time to wait for a kid to grow up between segments on the network. And this is already running long so look I got a midget mascot race coming up. Bet on me to win and I’ll come with you and fix your car. That golfer is insufferable.
: Sounds fair.
*They walk outside and Mini-Tron hops into a golf cart. Next to him …… IS MINI-BORG!*
: NAHAHAHAHAHA! I will not only claim the prize money and dinner at the local oyster house … and resulting sickness that comes with it … but I will get to eliminate a tron AND stop his buddies from escaping doom! FOR THE GLORY OF … THE AFTERWARD!
: I really hate that guy. Look, Shogun, give me your FUTURE BLASTER! And go place the bet.
*They do as he says. The race goes on and Mini-Borg surely cheats. He keeps running Mini-Tron into sand hazards and water hazards. But as they near the finish Mini-Tron points the blaster backwards and fires and launches himself ahead. The shockwave knocks over Mini-Borg and he rolls into a water hazard. He is promptly chased off by an alligator. Hey and Chubs got his hand back!*
: Hey I did it. Ok let’s get moving.
*As they had back to the car another vehicle drives by and a figure LEAPS from it as if flying on wings! Wait … he is! It’s Gold Maul!*
: Prepare to meet your end tron scum! For the glory of … THE AFTERWARD! And in service of Darth Steelious!
*he comes swinging at Lazor-Tron but Lazor engages him in a sword duel. The two go back and forth with some cool moves and sword tactics before the car is ready. Lazor shoves Gold Maul back and leaps into the car and they drive off. Gold Maul sheathes his sword.*
: This day will not be the last time we meet! My sword will taste the blood of the tron menace!
*We open up some hours later in the state house. Lazor and Shogun escort Nanodala into the senate chamber and exit the room to discuss.*
: So this Steele is a master of deception. He has somehow allied with the Borgs. Surely their desire to end us played into his needs.
: That is not all. His elderly prisoner was forced to read off a written script like some kind of prisoner of war. It was really quite foul. And his message was pure Jackson all the way through. He claims that if I should win this tournament I would bring about the real End of Days. Does he not know we prevented that plot years ago? It was a Borg plot. Surely they explained it to him as if it was our idea. But to be called evil … it is just insulting. And the logic is … well I know I’m not one to spout logic but … he claims that taking my opportunity in … THE FUTURE! Would be the cause, But in both interpretations of that it makes no sense. The title shot is not valid in our own time since the title aspect of the XHF has long gone by that time. Praise be to Overlord Mongo. And in …, THE PRESENT … I could ONLY take the shot in … THE FUTURE since the X*Crown title match is all set for this show. It is clearly just a blind shot to denigrate me and my achievements. I have never had to wrestle this many times or this caliber of foe in such rapid succession and yet I have proven capable at every turn. It is a huge boost to my morale and my standing with the Trons in Training!
: Ah yes the TiTs how are they doing?
: A bit soft and flabby but they are sure to perk up after my victory!
*Mini-Tron’s snicker is heard coming all the way across from the parking lot in the car*
: That is the real goal isn’t it though? To have the best TiTs of any tron before me? It is all I could ask for. My legacy is afterall to be measured by the caliber of my TiTs.
*he stands proud*
: This is all so troubling. He plans to try and employ time travel to undo the entirety of XHF. By becoming the only X*Crown champion. The fool doesn’t understand. It would bring about his own demise. For he would be ending his own existence. It would be sad were it not so pathetic.
: I’ll tell you what’s pathetic! YOU!
*Gold Maul attacks out of nowhere and the trons are JUST BARELY able to dodge. But Shogun is knocked behind a sliding glass door that is for some reason also an automatic door. And the power supply is being tapped by the senate chamber so it only opens every 2 minutes. The door slams shut in front of him. Lazor looks at his friend then back to Gold Maul.*
: Very well. One on one it is. I am not the leader for nothing you know. This will be your end. And besides of you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can imagine!
*Gold Maul watches as he poses then when he does he jabs the sword into his gut.*
: AGH! What? Foul naïve you broke the rules of sacred combat!
: Pathetic tron. This is not … THE AFTERWARD! All is fair in war and sword battles here in … THE PREVIOUS!
: NOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! LAZOR!
*He whips out his blaster and fires at the glass. The glass then flies out and hits Gold Maul and he falls down. He slowly gets to his feet but Shogun leaps behind him and cuts him in half.*
: That was for my mentor and friend!
: Pathetic fool, I’ll be back in the spinoff better than ever and with robotic spider legs! HAHAHahahahaha
*He falls down the stairs and into the lobby, some children scream.*
: Lazor … I will avenge you. Darth Steelious will pay!
*We fade out … no there’s no space battle, we’re in a town in Ohio that would be completely out of the question. Mini-Tron just drove around and the “droid army” couldn’t keep up and crashed until they had no cars left.*
: I still find it so frustrating dealing with all this primitive technology all for this very important mission. Since when are the mighty protectors of justice Team Tron called for to handle trade negotiations? And won’t this topic IMMEDIATELY turn off the many fans of the tales of the trons that had come before? So droll. … Also why are we kitted out with these amazing weapons if this is just a negotiation?*His partner steps out and ….. what the … is this a ghost??? No not yet … but … stay tuned. Oh my it is the mentor and leader of the trons. LAZOR-TRON!*
: Now now my young friend, it is not wise to question such matters. Have I ever steered you wrong? Trust that we may need these as a last resort. The CEO didn’t seem exactly willing to comply with the demands of the city of Bethesda. And the CEO of AWF isn’t exactly … what’s the word? … Sane. Yes that’s right. He’s off fighting a war for gold! So it falls upon us to handle this grievous *wink* mission!: Very well. I trust your judgment. But how are we supposed to convince this company to turn off the billboards?: Well that is where our many persuasion techniques from … THE FUTURE! Come in handy. All we need to do is get the billboards turned off. Maybe slow down some of the distribution of all material with the star of this video for a few months to let the heat die down. But we can start with higher demands and negotiate our way down. … … Let’s be sure to also get souvenirs. Research purposes. I’m sure Mongo will enjoy them. Or at least Bongo.*Just then as they turn a corner they are met by 3 business men carrying small laser guns! Oh this was never going to be easy but this seems almost like an ambush! The trons snap to attention (read: Pose) and raise their FUTURE SABERS! The blasts deflect off the sabers as they redirect back to two of the foes before Shogun rolls forward and slices the other in half. WHOA! That’s … that’s some PG-13 level violence right there. It’s fine they were probably just some lawyers. The trons regroup and move into an intersection of two hallways and out of each of the other three direction roll out 2 security guards each, all 6 carrying some heavy shock cannons. Shogun unleases his FUTURE BLASTER! Which seems to just push back two of the guards … like some kind of … force … came from it. Lazor steadily walks forward at the second grouping, dodging and using his sword to deflect blasts. No lasers for Lazor. He gets to the two guards and cuts them down into little pieces. Shogun leaps forward with a somersault and ices the two he had knocked over then lifts the arms of the men and fires at the third group to finish them off.*
: Lazor this is crazy. We are just here to negotiate an end to the deluge of pornography! What reason could they have to try and destroy us?: I think our benefactor may not have actually been the city of Bethesda. This was a trap. They must be after us. This was a plan to destroy the trons!: Oh my God, Force-like power or midichlorians for heathens! This is terrible news. We will surely need to fight our way out.*Meanwhile in the CEO’s office, two men in tuxedos are seen sitting at a table looking at a screen. A skype call comes through.*
Man 1: The trons are in the trap. All is going as you have ordered. It won’t be long now before they are neutralized.
Man 2: Why is this necessary? We could easily turn off the billboards and this would all be over.
Shadowy man on video screen: NO! This is the way it must be. It is pre-ordained. They claim to have intimate knowledge of … THE FUTURE! … but they are mere pawns. They are powerless to the might of the sleezy side! They will be destroyed. And keep the billboards playing. They … they please me.
Man 1: Yes Lord Steelious! As you wish.
Man 2: *pushes intercom button* Gregory, manipulate the card key locks to allow them to floor 12 then send in everything we have. We will make them rue the day they came here. It will be … their END OF DAYS!
*The screen brightens and we see a hooded figure. He laughs maniacally!*
: Ha ha hahaha hahahahahahaha. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*The trons are mowing through security guards and business men as if they were … I don’t know some kind of robotic attack force. A droid army in a way. They are boxed in when suddenly the door behind them breaks down. It opens and reveals a stairwell. The upstairs is blocked off by a cave in. Someone has spilled file cabinets and their contents all down the stairs and it is quite impenetrable even for the FUTURE BLASTER and it’s new … dragonshout? Powers. The trons quickly make haste down three floors to an open door and bust in. The floor is quiet. They slowly move forward, on their guard. They enter an office with a window washer working the windows outside when the doors slam shut except for the one they came in! From behind them they hear the sound of many footsteps.*
: Hmmm … This is ominous. Quickly, let’s redecorate to get something between us and them. Use your wrist gauntlet to take them down as they enter.*They begin turning over tables and hurling chairs into piles around the room to create some cover. They duck into two cubicles and wait. Men pour into the room firing wildly and blindly. The trons take cover occasionally using their swords to deflect blasts and Shogun firing from his wrist gauntlet. They are valiantly holding out but the men are circling and the two are now backed out of their cubicles.*
: Shogun! I have an idea. Enact plan “LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO JUMP!”: That is crazy! We are twelve floors up. Even the mighty tron protectors cannot fly!: Stop thinking and feel it out! You know it is the only way!*Lazor leaps back and slices open the window and dives out. Shogun sighs and charges behind him. They land on the Window Washer cart! The cart sways and one cable snaps. They hold on and scream as it swings them down and then the other cable comes loose and they begin to also plummet. They ride the trolley down to the third floor before it catches and sends them spinning around the corner of the building 35 feet in the air. Shogun spots their salvation and uses his blaster to force them further up into the air and they both leap from it and land in a back yard swimming pool next door. As they come to the surface they see a few of the business men have blindly leapt from the building after them. Lazor quickly grabs a small boy and moves him out of the way and covers his eyes as the men splatter quite gruesomely on the patio.*
Boy: Thanks mister. I’m Jeremy Banks. My friends call me Jer Jer. You-sir saved my life! Me-sir in debt! How can I repay you?
: Whoa no no we aren’t doing that. Taking a small child with us? Especially one who sounds like he is going to be quite annoying? Mister Jeremy you can just direct us to the mayor’s office. This is a hostile takeover. We need to inform the mayor before he is destroyed by the evil one who is running that building there.*Jeremy simply points to the town hall with its gold dome and then offers up his parent’s minivan.*
: I can think of at least ten modes of transportation better than this. But it will have to do.*They hop in and drive off*
: No… no no no! This is unacceptable. Send in everyone. Take out the mayor, we must keep the billboards running. APPRENTICE! … come to me.*The scene is now in the office of the dark lord. He has on his low cut shirt, fake chest hair, and still that cucumber down hi… oh wait … right. A shadowy figure walks in. He looks like a monster. Flowing 70’s hair and a sword are all that can be seen.*
Apprentice: Yes dark lord.
: It is going to end up being up to you. Follow them. And take them out.Apprentice: As you command it!
*The apprentice leaves as Darth Steelious walks around his 70’s set.*
*We open up at the mayor’s office.*
: See how much quicker and smarter we got here without taking the kid with us?: Yes. Now tell me what do you know about this situation my young friend?: Well normally I wouldn’t know anything but our being from … THE FUTURE! Has given me certain insights. This is the work of Darth Steelious. Jackson Steele. The AWF Champion! And the Pornsome Menace. He is a dastardly one. He will stoop to new lows! He has done some horrible things. Things that are not mentionable in quiet conversation!*The two men enter the town hall and begin the long walk to the mayor.*
: He is that foul in the ring?: What? Oh no. In the ring the man is supremely talented. He earned that title. I will have to bring everything I have learned from fighting my three different styles of foe. He has proven to be able to move as well as Nelly Angel, as if he had some kind of testosterone boost. Like from all the extracurricular activity he does. He can be as violent and menacing as Price. He may not be the messiah of hardcore but he is no stranger to it. And he may not be nearly as large or strong as Hyperion *He holds his head as if remembering the fight* but he can use the power. And that is in addition to his strange otherworldly sleazy side powers. Did you see how he defeated the mighty XHF Legend Scorpion? I can’t explain it. There was no contact with his hands or feet. I choose to believe he used the sleaze to decimate his foe.: Well what’s the alternative to that odd belief?: *shudders* This is not an R-rated network broadcast Lazor. I cannot explain that one.*Lazor just recoils in disgust.*
: Truly this man possesses the testicular fortitude to put on a fight. But outside of the ring he is a purveyor of filth and lies. Everything about him is fake, made for the camera. It disgusts me. And makes me feel sticky. I watched some of his exploits. They … did nothing for me … *coughs* yeah … but the research was worth it. I feel I have made a connection. And none too soon. He surely has been watching my exploits. And my variety of foes has worked against me as he has seen most every skill I have to offer. But his latest turn. Only a true evil sleaze would do what he did. The outfits … the production values. He must really want us gone. He is turning the clock even further back into … THE PAST! … despite that not working for Hyperion. Surely he has some scheme. He resorted to the most HEINOUS! Of crimes! BOTH OF THEM!: You don’t mean … forging a time travel scenario … and kidnapping the elderly???: THE VERY SAME!: Oh my God, God-like Deity, or pure luck for atheists!: Hey! Don’t step on my toes sir. Just because you are my mentor doesn’t mean I don’t get my own schtick! But yes. He kidnapped a nonagenarian to pretend to be himself from … THE FUTURE! I’ve never seen him in the records. Surely his exploits have caused him an early demise from all the diseases. I mean the woman with him sure seemed to believe the sets he keeps promoting from are diseased. And *shudder* then there was the small animal she pulled from between her legs. I … my fragile psyche could barely handle that horror.: Actually my young friend that was a merkin! A pubic wig, only the finest men of the seventies here in …, THE PAST … wore those. I remember wear…er … hearing about people wearing them in the museum back home. Yup. Those are classy, the rest of the set up may not be but those sure are.*Shogun stops in his tracks just dumbfounded. He shakes his head and then starts walking again.*
: Ok anyhow, this man is clearly not cut out to represent the XHF. It is up to us to take down this force for darkness and indecency!*Just then the hallway fills with pornstars. They are all armed with clubs. Behind them come a bunch more guards and business men. The trons take their stances and fight through the fracas. It is quite the melee they are involved in. They eventually bust into the office of the mayor. There stands the mayor … who is … um … Nano-Tron … with a long wig and oranges shoved down his uniform front.*
: I immediately regret agreeing to be your assistant on this mission.: Oh but mayor Nanodala you look stunning! … We must escape quickly. The porn corporation is being manipulated by Darth Steelious. A raid is happening, It is imperative they not capture you!: Sigh … very well. Let’s go through this secret back door ….. I feel that is a poor scripting choice when challenging a porn empire … to get to the mayoral carriage. We must get to the senate.*The various trons fight their way to the carriage and hop in. It’s actually quite the nice car. They bust down the road with the corporate tools in hot pursuit. Nano is doing a spectacular job of driving like he played a bunch of video games lately. A real James Bond. But there are too many of them and the car is forced off the road and BARRELS through the wall of a bicycle shop. As they exit the car and run next door into the town golf course the invading army is stopped by an explosion.*
Randy Angel: Yeah! That;ll show them to spill our liquor!
Tequila Kitty II: MROW!!
*The heroes emerge into the green barren landscape of a town golf course.*
: We seem to be stranded here at Golftooine. We will need some local help to be able to fix the car and get to the senate. This could be a challenge. Let’s head over to the pro shop and see if there is anyone to help us.*They head to the pro shop. They look around but everyone is just too mean and stuff is too expensive. Finally they stumble on a very snooty looking golfer.*
: My good sir we are looking for some help fixing our car. We have urgent business at the state house. We have not much to offer but …Man: Oh I say you chaps are not worth my time! I have balls to hit. My game is already suffering enough from the distraction caused by the golf course billboard playing that … highly … arousing … playlist. YOU HEARD NOTHING!
*He walks away but his caddy approaches.*
: Hey. I can fix the car if you can find a way to get the parts.: Wait you aren’t a child!: Yes well you didn’t remember to set this in … THE PAST! … so you have no time to wait for a kid to grow up between segments on the network. And this is already running long so look I got a midget mascot race coming up. Bet on me to win and I’ll come with you and fix your car. That golfer is insufferable.: Sounds fair.*They walk outside and Mini-Tron hops into a golf cart. Next to him …… IS MINI-BORG!*
: NAHAHAHAHAHA! I will not only claim the prize money and dinner at the local oyster house … and resulting sickness that comes with it … but I will get to eliminate a tron AND stop his buddies from escaping doom! FOR THE GLORY OF … THE AFTERWARD!: I really hate that guy. Look, Shogun, give me your FUTURE BLASTER! And go place the bet.*They do as he says. The race goes on and Mini-Borg surely cheats. He keeps running Mini-Tron into sand hazards and water hazards. But as they near the finish Mini-Tron points the blaster backwards and fires and launches himself ahead. The shockwave knocks over Mini-Borg and he rolls into a water hazard. He is promptly chased off by an alligator. Hey and Chubs got his hand back!*
: Hey I did it. Ok let’s get moving.*As they had back to the car another vehicle drives by and a figure LEAPS from it as if flying on wings! Wait … he is! It’s Gold Maul!*
: Prepare to meet your end tron scum! For the glory of … THE AFTERWARD! And in service of Darth Steelious!*he comes swinging at Lazor-Tron but Lazor engages him in a sword duel. The two go back and forth with some cool moves and sword tactics before the car is ready. Lazor shoves Gold Maul back and leaps into the car and they drive off. Gold Maul sheathes his sword.*
: This day will not be the last time we meet! My sword will taste the blood of the tron menace!*We open up some hours later in the state house. Lazor and Shogun escort Nanodala into the senate chamber and exit the room to discuss.*
: So this Steele is a master of deception. He has somehow allied with the Borgs. Surely their desire to end us played into his needs.: That is not all. His elderly prisoner was forced to read off a written script like some kind of prisoner of war. It was really quite foul. And his message was pure Jackson all the way through. He claims that if I should win this tournament I would bring about the real End of Days. Does he not know we prevented that plot years ago? It was a Borg plot. Surely they explained it to him as if it was our idea. But to be called evil … it is just insulting. And the logic is … well I know I’m not one to spout logic but … he claims that taking my opportunity in … THE FUTURE! Would be the cause, But in both interpretations of that it makes no sense. The title shot is not valid in our own time since the title aspect of the XHF has long gone by that time. Praise be to Overlord Mongo. And in …, THE PRESENT … I could ONLY take the shot in … THE FUTURE since the X*Crown title match is all set for this show. It is clearly just a blind shot to denigrate me and my achievements. I have never had to wrestle this many times or this caliber of foe in such rapid succession and yet I have proven capable at every turn. It is a huge boost to my morale and my standing with the Trons in Training!: Ah yes the TiTs how are they doing?: A bit soft and flabby but they are sure to perk up after my victory!*Mini-Tron’s snicker is heard coming all the way across from the parking lot in the car*
: That is the real goal isn’t it though? To have the best TiTs of any tron before me? It is all I could ask for. My legacy is afterall to be measured by the caliber of my TiTs. *he stands proud*
: This is all so troubling. He plans to try and employ time travel to undo the entirety of XHF. By becoming the only X*Crown champion. The fool doesn’t understand. It would bring about his own demise. For he would be ending his own existence. It would be sad were it not so pathetic.: I’ll tell you what’s pathetic! YOU!*Gold Maul attacks out of nowhere and the trons are JUST BARELY able to dodge. But Shogun is knocked behind a sliding glass door that is for some reason also an automatic door. And the power supply is being tapped by the senate chamber so it only opens every 2 minutes. The door slams shut in front of him. Lazor looks at his friend then back to Gold Maul.*
: Very well. One on one it is. I am not the leader for nothing you know. This will be your end. And besides of you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can imagine!*Gold Maul watches as he poses then when he does he jabs the sword into his gut.*
: AGH! What? Foul naïve you broke the rules of sacred combat!: Pathetic tron. This is not … THE AFTERWARD! All is fair in war and sword battles here in … THE PREVIOUS!: NOOOOOOOO! NOT AGAIN! LAZOR!*He whips out his blaster and fires at the glass. The glass then flies out and hits Gold Maul and he falls down. He slowly gets to his feet but Shogun leaps behind him and cuts him in half.*
: That was for my mentor and friend!: Pathetic fool, I’ll be back in the spinoff better than ever and with robotic spider legs! HAHAHahahahaha*He falls down the stairs and into the lobby, some children scream.*
: Lazor … I will avenge you. Darth Steelious will pay!*We fade out … no there’s no space battle, we’re in a town in Ohio that would be completely out of the question. Mini-Tron just drove around and the “droid army” couldn’t keep up and crashed until they had no cars left.*
