Zoinks! (EoD X PPV RP)
Oct 27, 2017 17:24:16 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Slainmaker, and 2 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Oct 27, 2017 17:24:16 GMT -5
**Fade in. Coffee shop.**
*We see Curtis sitting at a table, drinking what I can only assume is a Pumpkin Latte because it’s that time of year and he’s white. (It’s okay, that’s not racist… because he’s white.) Curtis notices the camera.*
Curtis: This moment in time, this weekend, it’s just amazing. My fight with Jackson Steele has inspired him to get all the way to the finals of the End of Days tournament, that battle was glorious and he proved to me why he should be the champion of the company that I finance unofficially. But not only that, End of Days will be two major accomplishments that I made for myself, for B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray, and for AWF. Because the other thing is that I am going to become the X*Crown Champion that you people deserve, a champion you can really look up, by maiming and dethroning that female pig.
*A common housewife walking by slaps Curtis.*
House Wife: How can you call a woman a pig! What's wrong with you! Why would you say these things! You're a terrible person!
Curtis: I'm talking about Thob, an actual pig!
House Wife: You mean Thob the wrestler pig? You know her? My son loves her, can you get me her autograph.
Curtis: It’s a pig.
House Wife: But my son…
Curtis: Look, you should take my autograph lady. Because that pig ain’t going to be champ for long! I’m going to destroy that stupid pig!
*The lady slaps him again.*
House Wife: How dare you want to harm animals! You’re disgusting! What is wrong with you!
*The house wife walks away in a huff.*
Curtis: There's a lot of things wrong with me lady! But what's wrong with you!
*Curtis looks back at the camera.*
Curtis: Anyway, you people know I’m not actually hurting Thob, I’m going to hurt Slain who uses Thob… so I’m still beating Thob, but if I know out Slain, I just have to hold the pig down, and then there’s two other guys to worry about, you know the drill. It gets confusing to have to work it all out, so I just say I’m going to beat up Thob and you know what I mean. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to roast Thob! She’s so plump and—
*A kid near Curtis starts crying. A “trying to hard to look like he works out” dad is standing next to him.*
Trying too Hard Dad: What’s a matter son?
Kid: The big mean man said he wants to hurt and cook Thob!
Trying too Hard Dad: What? Hey, Thob is my kid’s favorite wrestler, don’t talk about her like that!
Curtis: Ugh, this is why promos don’t work in public. Listen dude, I’m in a match with Thob! I’m supposed to talk about beating her up!
Trying too Hard Dad: That’s just cruelty to animals!
Curtis: Her being a champion is cruelty to me!
*The kid is still crying.*
Trying too Hard Dad: My son stopped eating pork because of Thob, so I’d appreciate some discretion!
Curtis: I’m sorry your brat loves that piece of trash so much, I don’t understand how all of these loser kids can love that loser pig.
Trying to Hard Dad: That pig has more heart in one hoof than you have in your entire body pal!
*The dad takes his kid by the hand and they storm out of the coffee shop.*
Curtis: I don’t get it man…
*Curtis’s eyes widen.*
Curtis: …but I do get something! I have an idea!
*Curtis pulls out a pen and starts drawing on a napkin. I wonder where this is going?*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Corporate Office Conference Room.**
*Curtis Kanyon is standing in a meeting room, sitting at a table with a bunch of guys in suits all around it. We see a screen that showcases pictures of crude stick figure type drawings on what looks to be a napkin that Curtis has made. He starts to move around with excitement as he points to the screen.*
Curtis: Sorry, I'm really excited for this pitch meeting. I am here today with an idea for a cartoon to help promote AWF! In this cartoon we will see a van called the Enigma Engine or the Stranger Thingamabob or something, I’m still workshopping that. We got a group of people in this van. The driver and leader is of course me and my sidekicks my lovely wife Esmerelda will be the smart one, then we’ll have a provocatively dressed Jackson Steele, and lastly, we’ll have two …I would say kooky sidekicks, the scrawny scruffy Slain and his his pet pig Thob. This group of cohorts they go on adventures right? And they always seem to find themselves in situations where some creepy bastard is causing harm to a town or to a company or something maybe sometimes some celebrities can walk through the mystery like Samuel L Jackson or Chris Hemsworth. And then we will see how the TV shows me and my wife of course the main solver of the mystery, you know we will take care of everything but you know of course the kiddies they love Slain and the little piggy. Did I mention we’ll make her talk by the way? So we can put them up front and center you see, and you know they can just be buffoons and do stupid cartoon things and you know of course the pig will be very very hungry but also very very scared. Slain too I guess, but maybe throw in some hidden meaning allusions to him liking other things that only adults will get. So these mysteries right, the most gross disgusting terrifying creature things will be causing these people harm to their companies and their cities, you know think of …Harold Campbell and that sort of thing and you know. And sometimes the monster can be a creepy little bastards looking type thing like, say …Venom.
Executive 1: Excuse me Mr. Kanyon. Can we just stop you for a quick second?
Curtis: Yes, what?
Executive 1: This sounds an awful lot like Scooby-Doo except you've replaced the dog with a pig and you've replaced a scantily clad redhead with a scantily clad male pornstar.
Curtis: Hey! That man is AWF world champion, you don't talk about him like that! Although he is also scantily clad and a male pornstar…
Executive 2: Be that as it may, this cartoon pretty much already exists and it sounds like you're in here more to just talk smack about your opponents.
Curtis: I did love Talking Smack and the XHF network should have its own version. But, I am financing the AWF and this is something we could use to make a lot more money and sell a lot more B.A.N.G Fish Attractant Spray.
Executive 3: Oh I didn't know this was going to be backed by B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! That stuff is amazing!
Executive 1: Yes, I agree that stuff is works wonders I've caught so many fish!
Executive 2: Yeah, I know, I've basically cleared out the lake near my house that stuff is awesome! Can we just make a cartoon about that?
Curtis: Oh …yes …yes we can do whatever you need to do! That sounds fantastic! You want to do anthropomorphic spray bottles, you want …you want some sort of fish creature! I don't! This is all so sudden! I don't know, I haven't --I haven't --there's no mascot for this attractant spray. Can you come up with that for me?
Executive 2: No that's not really what we do here.
Curtis: Oh, well that’s a shame.
Executive 2: I mean, we can schedule a meeting with our concept department for a week out.
Curtis: But I need a cartoon to bury my opponents before Sunday!
Executive 1: So that was what this was about! Listen, cartoon creation is a long process, it’ll take at least a year just to get one episode out.
Curtis: I don’t have that kind of time! You’re all worthless!
*Curtis storms out in a huff and slams the glass door. But since it’s glass, all the executives are still looking at him. So he gives them all the finger. Then quickly walks away.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Outdoors. Office Parking Lot.**
*Curtis is pacing back and forth, fuming.*
Curtis: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe those bastards would take that long to make a cartoon for me! I made those damn billboard ads over night! How hard can it be. Do a little doodle, make it say, *High pitched.* “Like zoinks Thob, I’m scared of this dark place and the Harry monster chasing after me!” *Scooby-esque* “Ruhr roh Rain, raybe re rould ride!” …Fuck, that is Scooby-doo. But damnit, I’m not an animator, they can figure that part out!
*Actually, that would be the writer. Anyway, Curtis looks at the camera.*
Curtis: You people! You need to understand! I’m coming down that aisle on Sunday to open up a can of whoop ass! I don’t care if I have to face Slain, Thob, Venom, Knock Off Goldbear, Harold, Harold’s crabs, and whoever else wants to get in my way! I’m a destroyer! I’m the best damn thing to ever happen to the XHF Network since it’s return! I am the MVP of the wrestling world!
*Curtis grabs a trash can and throws it across the parking lot.*
Curtis: I don’t care how many kids love Thob! And I’m damn sure not going to give them a chance to love Goldbear Two! Those freaks aside, I realize I am stepping in the ring with three world class athletes. I get that. But they will all feel …the ….BANG! No, wait! Don’t fade out on that, fuck that. There’s eighteen falls, they’re going to feel eighteen BANG!s. So that’s not all, that’s not where we end this. Venom will be beaten to a PULP. Harry will be left BLOODY. Slain will be left BROKEN! You want to know why! I can tell you why! I can sum it all up for you with three simple words!
*Curtis grabs the camera and pulls it into his face.*
Curtis: Because none betta!
*Curtis pushes the camera out of his face and walks away.*
**Fade out.**
*We see Curtis sitting at a table, drinking what I can only assume is a Pumpkin Latte because it’s that time of year and he’s white. (It’s okay, that’s not racist… because he’s white.) Curtis notices the camera.*
Curtis: This moment in time, this weekend, it’s just amazing. My fight with Jackson Steele has inspired him to get all the way to the finals of the End of Days tournament, that battle was glorious and he proved to me why he should be the champion of the company that I finance unofficially. But not only that, End of Days will be two major accomplishments that I made for myself, for B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray, and for AWF. Because the other thing is that I am going to become the X*Crown Champion that you people deserve, a champion you can really look up, by maiming and dethroning that female pig.
*A common housewife walking by slaps Curtis.*
House Wife: How can you call a woman a pig! What's wrong with you! Why would you say these things! You're a terrible person!
Curtis: I'm talking about Thob, an actual pig!
House Wife: You mean Thob the wrestler pig? You know her? My son loves her, can you get me her autograph.
Curtis: It’s a pig.
House Wife: But my son…
Curtis: Look, you should take my autograph lady. Because that pig ain’t going to be champ for long! I’m going to destroy that stupid pig!
*The lady slaps him again.*
House Wife: How dare you want to harm animals! You’re disgusting! What is wrong with you!
*The house wife walks away in a huff.*
Curtis: There's a lot of things wrong with me lady! But what's wrong with you!
*Curtis looks back at the camera.*
Curtis: Anyway, you people know I’m not actually hurting Thob, I’m going to hurt Slain who uses Thob… so I’m still beating Thob, but if I know out Slain, I just have to hold the pig down, and then there’s two other guys to worry about, you know the drill. It gets confusing to have to work it all out, so I just say I’m going to beat up Thob and you know what I mean. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I would LOVE to roast Thob! She’s so plump and—
*A kid near Curtis starts crying. A “trying to hard to look like he works out” dad is standing next to him.*
Trying too Hard Dad: What’s a matter son?
Kid: The big mean man said he wants to hurt and cook Thob!
Trying too Hard Dad: What? Hey, Thob is my kid’s favorite wrestler, don’t talk about her like that!
Curtis: Ugh, this is why promos don’t work in public. Listen dude, I’m in a match with Thob! I’m supposed to talk about beating her up!
Trying too Hard Dad: That’s just cruelty to animals!
Curtis: Her being a champion is cruelty to me!
*The kid is still crying.*
Trying too Hard Dad: My son stopped eating pork because of Thob, so I’d appreciate some discretion!
Curtis: I’m sorry your brat loves that piece of trash so much, I don’t understand how all of these loser kids can love that loser pig.
Trying to Hard Dad: That pig has more heart in one hoof than you have in your entire body pal!
*The dad takes his kid by the hand and they storm out of the coffee shop.*
Curtis: I don’t get it man…
*Curtis’s eyes widen.*
Curtis: …but I do get something! I have an idea!
*Curtis pulls out a pen and starts drawing on a napkin. I wonder where this is going?*
**Fade out.**
**Fade in. Corporate Office Conference Room.**
*Curtis Kanyon is standing in a meeting room, sitting at a table with a bunch of guys in suits all around it. We see a screen that showcases pictures of crude stick figure type drawings on what looks to be a napkin that Curtis has made. He starts to move around with excitement as he points to the screen.*
Curtis: Sorry, I'm really excited for this pitch meeting. I am here today with an idea for a cartoon to help promote AWF! In this cartoon we will see a van called the Enigma Engine or the Stranger Thingamabob or something, I’m still workshopping that. We got a group of people in this van. The driver and leader is of course me and my sidekicks my lovely wife Esmerelda will be the smart one, then we’ll have a provocatively dressed Jackson Steele, and lastly, we’ll have two …I would say kooky sidekicks, the scrawny scruffy Slain and his his pet pig Thob. This group of cohorts they go on adventures right? And they always seem to find themselves in situations where some creepy bastard is causing harm to a town or to a company or something maybe sometimes some celebrities can walk through the mystery like Samuel L Jackson or Chris Hemsworth. And then we will see how the TV shows me and my wife of course the main solver of the mystery, you know we will take care of everything but you know of course the kiddies they love Slain and the little piggy. Did I mention we’ll make her talk by the way? So we can put them up front and center you see, and you know they can just be buffoons and do stupid cartoon things and you know of course the pig will be very very hungry but also very very scared. Slain too I guess, but maybe throw in some hidden meaning allusions to him liking other things that only adults will get. So these mysteries right, the most gross disgusting terrifying creature things will be causing these people harm to their companies and their cities, you know think of …Harold Campbell and that sort of thing and you know. And sometimes the monster can be a creepy little bastards looking type thing like, say …Venom.
Executive 1: Excuse me Mr. Kanyon. Can we just stop you for a quick second?
Curtis: Yes, what?
Executive 1: This sounds an awful lot like Scooby-Doo except you've replaced the dog with a pig and you've replaced a scantily clad redhead with a scantily clad male pornstar.
Curtis: Hey! That man is AWF world champion, you don't talk about him like that! Although he is also scantily clad and a male pornstar…
Executive 2: Be that as it may, this cartoon pretty much already exists and it sounds like you're in here more to just talk smack about your opponents.
Curtis: I did love Talking Smack and the XHF network should have its own version. But, I am financing the AWF and this is something we could use to make a lot more money and sell a lot more B.A.N.G Fish Attractant Spray.
Executive 3: Oh I didn't know this was going to be backed by B.A.N.G. Fish Attractant Spray! That stuff is amazing!
Executive 1: Yes, I agree that stuff is works wonders I've caught so many fish!
Executive 2: Yeah, I know, I've basically cleared out the lake near my house that stuff is awesome! Can we just make a cartoon about that?
Curtis: Oh …yes …yes we can do whatever you need to do! That sounds fantastic! You want to do anthropomorphic spray bottles, you want …you want some sort of fish creature! I don't! This is all so sudden! I don't know, I haven't --I haven't --there's no mascot for this attractant spray. Can you come up with that for me?
Executive 2: No that's not really what we do here.
Curtis: Oh, well that’s a shame.
Executive 2: I mean, we can schedule a meeting with our concept department for a week out.
Curtis: But I need a cartoon to bury my opponents before Sunday!
Executive 1: So that was what this was about! Listen, cartoon creation is a long process, it’ll take at least a year just to get one episode out.
Curtis: I don’t have that kind of time! You’re all worthless!
*Curtis storms out in a huff and slams the glass door. But since it’s glass, all the executives are still looking at him. So he gives them all the finger. Then quickly walks away.*
**Fade out.
Fade in. Outdoors. Office Parking Lot.**
*Curtis is pacing back and forth, fuming.*
Curtis: I can’t believe it! I can’t believe those bastards would take that long to make a cartoon for me! I made those damn billboard ads over night! How hard can it be. Do a little doodle, make it say, *High pitched.* “Like zoinks Thob, I’m scared of this dark place and the Harry monster chasing after me!” *Scooby-esque* “Ruhr roh Rain, raybe re rould ride!” …Fuck, that is Scooby-doo. But damnit, I’m not an animator, they can figure that part out!
*Actually, that would be the writer. Anyway, Curtis looks at the camera.*
Curtis: You people! You need to understand! I’m coming down that aisle on Sunday to open up a can of whoop ass! I don’t care if I have to face Slain, Thob, Venom, Knock Off Goldbear, Harold, Harold’s crabs, and whoever else wants to get in my way! I’m a destroyer! I’m the best damn thing to ever happen to the XHF Network since it’s return! I am the MVP of the wrestling world!
*Curtis grabs a trash can and throws it across the parking lot.*
Curtis: I don’t care how many kids love Thob! And I’m damn sure not going to give them a chance to love Goldbear Two! Those freaks aside, I realize I am stepping in the ring with three world class athletes. I get that. But they will all feel …the ….BANG! No, wait! Don’t fade out on that, fuck that. There’s eighteen falls, they’re going to feel eighteen BANG!s. So that’s not all, that’s not where we end this. Venom will be beaten to a PULP. Harry will be left BLOODY. Slain will be left BROKEN! You want to know why! I can tell you why! I can sum it all up for you with three simple words!
*Curtis grabs the camera and pulls it into his face.*
Curtis: Because none betta!
*Curtis pushes the camera out of his face and walks away.*
**Fade out.**
