[ANDREWS] Technical problems (vs Ozymandias)

[Steele]

AK sped round the street corner, frantically swearing under his breath.

ANDREWS: "Shit shit shit... fuck!"

He had to put the brakes on fast to avoid knocking into an elderly couple, his swinging backpack nearly broadsiding a small child. The child's parents swore at him in Russian - he didn't understand, so he just kept running.

He crashed through the door of an internet cafe, startling the people inside. He rushed to the desk, and threw his bag up onto the counter, rifling through it for his wallet.

ANDREWS: "I need a computer!"

The man behind the desk gave him a confused glance.

YURI: "что?"

ANDREWS: "I don't speak fuckin' German, mate! Computer! How much?"

He pointed at one of the refurbished Dells sat atop a rickety-looking table and mimed typing on a keyboard, then rubbing his finger and thumb together to signify "money".

Yuri pointed at a pricing list written in Cyrillic. AK shook his head.

ANDREWS: "I ain't got time to play fuckin' Poirot, mate! Now are you gonna start speakin' English or what?"

AK got aggressive, which was unwise considering Yuri was at least six inches taller than him. Yuri reached underneath his counter and pulled out a baseball bat, to which AK responded by pulling his trusty ring bell out of his backpack. They both stood in a Mexican standoff, Yuri ready to swing his bat if AK made a move, and AK ready to jump over the counter and brain YUri with the bell just for the hell of it.

YURI: "николай, иди сюда!"

Another man appeared in the doorway behind Yuri. He looked like him, only a little older and somehow even bigger.

NIKOLAI: "что, черт возьми, здесь происходит?"

YURI: "этот парень пытается ограбить нас или что-то!"

ANDREWS: "Alright, all I want is a fucking computer! Is one of you two gonna give me a computer or what!?"

Nikolai looked at AK.

NIKOLAI: "You want... steal computer? Or hire?"

ANDREWS: "Well if you're giving 'em away then I'll take fuckin' two, mate! No I'm not trying to steal one, I wanna know how much it is to get online!"

NIKOLAI: "Юрий, сбросьте бейсбольную биту. And you, English, you drop yours too. What is that from a boxing ring or something? Where you get?"

ANDREWS: "I nicked it from FIW."

NIKOLAI: "What is a... oh, FIW? Like wrestling, yes? We have wrestling show nearby now. In city."

ANDREWS: "Damn right you do, and I'm the main attraction! I've been trying to get a promo up on Twitter for my match but I can't get fuckin' SQUAT on my phone! And now I'm LATE! And it's all YOUR fault! That shaved ape there! Him! He would't let me use a computer!"

NIKOLAI: "Hey. That shaved ape my brother."

Nikolai lowered his voice.

NIKOLAI: "But he no understand English. I say he maybe IS shaved ape really..."

Yuri took Nikolai's hushed tone to be an act of aggression, and smirked at AK.

NIKOLAI: "Anyway- you can hire computer, is no problem. But why you come here? They not have production facility at your show?"

AK scoffed.

ANDREWS: "Well, duh! Sure they do! But where's the fun in that? Fuckin' over-produced, glossy vignettes? No thank you! Give me raw, indy-style Tweets and Vines any day! That's how I roll!"

Nikolaii half-shrugged, not really knowing what AK was talking about. He settled a price with AK and showed him to a vacant machine. AK opened his bag and took out his phone, then rummaged around inside before letting out an exasperated sigh.

ANDREWS: "You got a USB cable?"

NIKOLAI: "Is extra."

ANDREWS: "I should have guessed!"

He handed another note to Nikolai, who disappeared behind the counter to fetch him a USB cable. Looking at the login screen, AK's face fell.

ANDREWS: "What the... it's all in gibberish! Hey Nikolai, what the fuck man?"

NIKOLAI: "What, you not know ANY Russian!?"

ANDREWS: "I know сука блять."

NIKOLAI: "Yes. Every English does know that apparently. Well here, I change setting. We not have many English come here to this shop so we not use it much. Might not be good translation."

ANDREWS: "Please insert name... place passcode here... yeah, I think I can probably figure this out."

Nikolai left AK to play around with the computer. He eventually managed to get logged in to his Twitter account, before opening the file explorer for his phone and navigating to the SD card.

ANDREWS: "Ha-hah! Piece of piss! OK, let's get this- wait. What!?"

As he tried to drag and drop his prepared promo, the computer beeped. IT beeped hard.

WARNING! FILE CORRUPT!

AK tried it again, and got the same message.

ANDREWS: "FUCK!"

He slammed a clenched fist onto the table. Nikolai looked up and grunted.

ANDREWS: "Alright big guy, chill. Have a banana or something."

AK seethed inside, before noticing a little black circle on the frame of the monitor. A webcam! There was some hope at least. He set up to record a new promo direct to the computer. With the dingy cafe and a lonely old man looking at porn as a backdrop, AK started recording.

ANDREWS: "Right - first off. What the FUCK is going on in this country? I came here because I thought you people was bloodthirsty crazy bastards and that this was the perfect place for me to show off my skills but I can't even fuckin' DO anything cos you all write in bloody Klingon! Seriously, have you even heard of the ALPHABET? Like, A-B-C-D-E? That sort of thing? Jesus Christ."

"And second of all - Ozymandias! Now you'll have to forgive me but I had a promo prepared and everything but... I dunno. It's gone, somehow. And shit, it was AMAZING! There was a midget, flamethrowers, some dude on a unicycle. We even killed a sheep. Shit, that's a pretty big fuckin' waste of a life now then was't it.."

"Fuck it, can't bring it back to life now. And there won't be any bringing YOU back to life either once we're through, Ozzy! You're a huge guy, the big favourite going into our match - well I've made a living outta knocking off bigger fuckin' guys than you! I make my name by opening up the Shock Exchange on motherfuckers like you and hittin' them with ten pounds of solid steel! Yeah I cheat to win, so fuckin' what!?"

"And it ain't no secret that my win record has been SHIT since leaving England - but lemme let you in on a secret, Ozzy - I don't care about wins and losses! All I want is to hurt people! And that's what you're gonna find out on- hey! What the fuck?"

Yuri suddenly shuffled into view of the camera and started to push AK away.

ANDREWS: "What the fuck are you-"

YURI: "время вышло!"

ANDREWS: "I don't know what that means! I'm trying to cut a fuckin' promo! I'm going live here!"

NIKOLAI: "He say time is up! Cost more ruble to extend time!"

ANDREWS: "I don't have any more ruble! Get your-"

Yuri kept pushing at AK, who suddenly grabbed his bag and swang it at the big Russian's head, the bell inside giving a muffled ring. Yuri staggered and Nikolai grabbed the baseball bat out from underneath the counter.

ANDREWS: "Oh shit..."

AK took off as Nikolai jumped the counter - he had to quickly backpedal to grab his phone, leaving the expensively-rented USB cable plugged in to the computer. Nikolai took a swing with the bat, but with Yuri in between him and AK he could only watch as the skinny kid fled the scene.

NIKOLAI: "I hope you lose! I hope he destroy you! сука блять!"

Nikolai looked into the camera, and angrily cut the feed.