Post by Technical Perfection on Mar 1, 2018 9:59:01 GMT -5
CHOOO-HOOO! Greets to my freaks, mad props to every warrior in my iwi and for those who don’t know and those who need to be told AGAIN, my name is Taane and I am Professional Wrestling’s answer to the question, “Who’s that built dude who can move stupidly fast?”
Dauntless Title. Ladder match. Man, it’s like they’re booking this shit for me. Two hard and fast rules for winning a ladder match. Hit hard and move fast. Simple. It’s not a match for people with game plans because every game plan you ever made goes out the window real rapid when someone cracks you upside the head with the end of one of them ladders. It’s a match for people with good burst speed and big hit power. And T-Will is fast. Muru is fast. Both of them balance that with a hard technical edge. But technique don’t mean shit in this type of match.
Me? I’m fast too, man. I’m so fast that your body hits the deck before your brain has had time to realise I’m coming. I’m so fast that Usain Bolt calls me for speed tips. Mid race. I’m so fast that I get pulled over by the leoleo for speeding on my morning jog. I’m fast AND I hit hard. I hit like a mack truck. They call me Mason Park because I hit like Justin Houston. If I punched the floor they’d be measuring it on the richter scale. Y’all know that Daft Punk song? “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger?” They could have summed that up as “Taane: The Song”.
Y’all are listening to Taane. Other people give you one metaphor per week. I got metaphors FOR weeks. Do not get it twisted.
Let’s talk about Muru. Four letters tell so many stories. The Greatest Show On Earth. Big moniker. Big personality. Small name on paper, big name in the industry. I’m asking you, I’m begging you. Bring all your best shit. This fed may not be a worldwide phenomenon. This fed might not be the best known, the best supported. But there’s three more letters I’m gonna qualify that with. Y.E.T. And the only way we’re gonna get there is by getting our name out there. And the only way we’re gonna do that is by putting on the best matches in the damn world. We’ve been given 18 square foot of canvas, Muru. Let’s go paint a masterpiece.
See the thing about ladder matches; they’re a different beast. I’m sure Muru has been in a few across his long career. You don’t boast hops like he’s got and not have a promoter throw you in a match after he’s gone and bought out the ladder section of the nearest Target. Muru gets the experience edge for sure. But in a match with so much speed, you can’t hope to keep up with the younger competitors. Not dissing your legacy, man. Not being down on all you have achieved in this industry. Just being the first man to say that you’ve forged a legacy that’s peerless but you don’t forge that much of a legacy without slowing down just one little half step. Experience gilds a talent. Experience smooths the rough edges off your game and makes you a better performer. But experience means age and age means you lose that half a step of raw pace. And this ain’t a match where you can afford to have lost that half step. Sorry, man.
Oh, and if you think for one second I don’t know how to spot the Muru Splash coming. If you think for one little second that I cannot deal with someone uncorking their body off the top rope froggy style, then I suggest you go look up the P.O.P. on YouTube. Pōrutu O Peketua. I’ve been watching that since I was a little pepe.
Now T-Will. Can’t go any further without discussing how good you are. Everybody and their mom knows how good Muru is. But you’re someone else with a decent rep. And I know you love the idea of a ladder match. I know you work your wrestling with your feet as far from the floor as you damn can, as often as you damn can. Mad props for that. Keep it vertical, keep every jaw in the arena stuck to the damn floor. Bookerman threw some hardware, not just with the gold on offer but with some actual damn hardware into the match and raised the stakes. We get to raise the bar on what can be achieved in this federation. And we get to raise the damn roof.
You love the dream analogies, T-Will. You’re all about dreams and nightmares. Well you, me and Muru are going to give the fans the match of their dreams. We’re going to make those unfortunate to have to follow us nightmares. We’re going to make holding the Dauntless Title the dream of anyone walking into the federation. And watching three different racial groups earn a standing ovation, that’s the alt-right’s biggest nightmare.
You got one big problem in the match. You’re giving up weight to both the other guys. Don’t overlook that, Todd. Thing is, a ladder match ain’t just about speed. You’re fast. I’m fast. Muru is fast. But I got something over you that’s gonna be the key to my victory. I got knockout power. You can’t stop a boy from climbing up a ladder if you’re flat on your back, sucking wind, waiting for the ceiling to stop spinning. You can’t win if you’ve blacked out. And that’s one All Blackout away.
You guys heard of the Ka Mate Haka? The one that every damn New Zealand sports team performs before a match? Let me quote the last two lines for you.
Ā UPANE! KA UPANE!
Up one step! Up another step!
Ā UPANE KAUPANE WHITI TE RA!
Up one step, another, the sun shines!
Todd? Muru? Come Ascension, sun’s gonna be shining... on me.
BTDT.
Dauntless Title. Ladder match. Man, it’s like they’re booking this shit for me. Two hard and fast rules for winning a ladder match. Hit hard and move fast. Simple. It’s not a match for people with game plans because every game plan you ever made goes out the window real rapid when someone cracks you upside the head with the end of one of them ladders. It’s a match for people with good burst speed and big hit power. And T-Will is fast. Muru is fast. Both of them balance that with a hard technical edge. But technique don’t mean shit in this type of match.
Me? I’m fast too, man. I’m so fast that your body hits the deck before your brain has had time to realise I’m coming. I’m so fast that Usain Bolt calls me for speed tips. Mid race. I’m so fast that I get pulled over by the leoleo for speeding on my morning jog. I’m fast AND I hit hard. I hit like a mack truck. They call me Mason Park because I hit like Justin Houston. If I punched the floor they’d be measuring it on the richter scale. Y’all know that Daft Punk song? “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger?” They could have summed that up as “Taane: The Song”.
Y’all are listening to Taane. Other people give you one metaphor per week. I got metaphors FOR weeks. Do not get it twisted.
Let’s talk about Muru. Four letters tell so many stories. The Greatest Show On Earth. Big moniker. Big personality. Small name on paper, big name in the industry. I’m asking you, I’m begging you. Bring all your best shit. This fed may not be a worldwide phenomenon. This fed might not be the best known, the best supported. But there’s three more letters I’m gonna qualify that with. Y.E.T. And the only way we’re gonna get there is by getting our name out there. And the only way we’re gonna do that is by putting on the best matches in the damn world. We’ve been given 18 square foot of canvas, Muru. Let’s go paint a masterpiece.
See the thing about ladder matches; they’re a different beast. I’m sure Muru has been in a few across his long career. You don’t boast hops like he’s got and not have a promoter throw you in a match after he’s gone and bought out the ladder section of the nearest Target. Muru gets the experience edge for sure. But in a match with so much speed, you can’t hope to keep up with the younger competitors. Not dissing your legacy, man. Not being down on all you have achieved in this industry. Just being the first man to say that you’ve forged a legacy that’s peerless but you don’t forge that much of a legacy without slowing down just one little half step. Experience gilds a talent. Experience smooths the rough edges off your game and makes you a better performer. But experience means age and age means you lose that half a step of raw pace. And this ain’t a match where you can afford to have lost that half step. Sorry, man.
Oh, and if you think for one second I don’t know how to spot the Muru Splash coming. If you think for one little second that I cannot deal with someone uncorking their body off the top rope froggy style, then I suggest you go look up the P.O.P. on YouTube. Pōrutu O Peketua. I’ve been watching that since I was a little pepe.
Now T-Will. Can’t go any further without discussing how good you are. Everybody and their mom knows how good Muru is. But you’re someone else with a decent rep. And I know you love the idea of a ladder match. I know you work your wrestling with your feet as far from the floor as you damn can, as often as you damn can. Mad props for that. Keep it vertical, keep every jaw in the arena stuck to the damn floor. Bookerman threw some hardware, not just with the gold on offer but with some actual damn hardware into the match and raised the stakes. We get to raise the bar on what can be achieved in this federation. And we get to raise the damn roof.
You love the dream analogies, T-Will. You’re all about dreams and nightmares. Well you, me and Muru are going to give the fans the match of their dreams. We’re going to make those unfortunate to have to follow us nightmares. We’re going to make holding the Dauntless Title the dream of anyone walking into the federation. And watching three different racial groups earn a standing ovation, that’s the alt-right’s biggest nightmare.
You got one big problem in the match. You’re giving up weight to both the other guys. Don’t overlook that, Todd. Thing is, a ladder match ain’t just about speed. You’re fast. I’m fast. Muru is fast. But I got something over you that’s gonna be the key to my victory. I got knockout power. You can’t stop a boy from climbing up a ladder if you’re flat on your back, sucking wind, waiting for the ceiling to stop spinning. You can’t win if you’ve blacked out. And that’s one All Blackout away.
You guys heard of the Ka Mate Haka? The one that every damn New Zealand sports team performs before a match? Let me quote the last two lines for you.
Ā UPANE! KA UPANE!
Up one step! Up another step!
Ā UPANE KAUPANE WHITI TE RA!
Up one step, another, the sun shines!
Todd? Muru? Come Ascension, sun’s gonna be shining... on me.
BTDT.
