Bargaining For Evil (Part the Second, Tag RP)

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

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-Begin Transmission-

*We open on Evil Borg sitting in the passenger seat of the Borg-Mobile.*

: Blast! Here I am… I’ve been trying my dandiest to return to my eeeeevil roots this past week, but it shan’t not be working! Whatever am I to do! I cannot believe that Venom somehow stole my evil-ness. Well, if I can’t be evil… here goes nothing.

*Evil Borg exits the car and Heavy-metal and Mecha Gold-bear II are standing outside the car, which is in the middle of a mall parking lot.*

: “It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah!”

: Elapsed standby time at 1.47 hours.

: I’m sorry, I needed time to get ready for this. But… sigh, I am as ready as I shall ever be to… sigh… do… good.

*Evil Borg dry heaves after uttering those words. Heavy-metal pats Evil on the back. The three amigos then start heading toward the mall. As they get close, an old lady is crossing the street from the parking lot to the building. Evil Borg cringes and heads over to her.*

: Excuse me woman who has less …AFTERWARD ahead of her than most. I believe it is courtesy for a strong virile entity such as myself to help you across the street.

Old Lady: Oh my, why thank you sir.

*The lady puts out her arm and Evil Borg reluctantly hooks his arm and helps the lady cross the street…

And still crossing…

And yet still crossing as a car awaits them…

And ever crossing still…

Now the car honks at Evil and the old lady to move. Mecha Gold-bear II moves over to the car and punches through the hood, causing it to stop. The driver gets out and runs away.

And Evil is still crossing…

And finally Evil Borg helps the elderly woman up onto the sidewalk.*

: Have a… blessed day… gag… skeletal framed female.

Old Lady: Thank you very much. I hope your act goes well Mr. Clown.

: I am not a—oh forget it, better to… be nice.

*Mecha, Heavy, and Evil all enter the mall.*

: I must defeat Venom to regain my evil form!

: “Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged.”

: Exactly! It just so happens that doing so in the process will win us the tag team championships to be two time tag team champions, which would be great for us! So we must also defeat Commissioner Mueller. I wish we didn’t have to beat up Heart & Soul, they are so nice. Wait, why would I say that!? I don’t think people are nice! Damn you Venom for stealing my nasty demeanor!

*As they walk through the mall, another woman is seen with five bags on each arm from various mall shops. Evil Borg lowers his head in shame, and then walks over.*

: Excuse me female with child bearing hips, it seems you have too many item holding receptacles. I believe it is customary in this time period for me to offer to carry them for you?

Woman: I don’t wantchoo stealin’ my shit! You best step off you lizard looking bitch!

*Evil stands back aghast as the little Asian lady continues on her way.*

: That was… glorious! I need to refill my evil coffers so that I may lay the verbal smack like that fine woman did. Heavy-metal! We must devise a way to win this three way war! What can I do!

*They continue walking the mall, people moving out of the way for the robo-bear as his footsteps put cracks in the floor. They walk by a woman holding a baby as she talks on the phone. Evil Borg walks over and kisses the baby on the forehead, well as best as a masked man can. The woman looks appalled and slaps Evil across the face, then walks away.*

: What was that for! I was doing what heroes do! Gah, I am no good at being good! This is why I must regain my vile nature!

: “Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray. Ooh, the more I get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah.”

: Oh shut up, I’d like to see you do better!

*Heavy-metal walks over to a man ringing a bell with a red bucket next to him. Heavy pulls out his wallet and drops a few dollars in.*

: WOOOOP!

Volunteer: My man! Up top!

*Heavy gets a high five. He walks back over to Evil.*

: You suck. Almost as bad as those weenies Grant and Danny. I mean, do they even know how to wrestle? I mean, they must if they are getting a tag team title match. I’m sure they are great wrestlers. Wait, no I’m not. They are… they are… they are probably adequate but not nearly as adequate as us. Is that evil? That’s not evil. Gah! Why! Why can I not lay even the smallest of verbal thrashing upon my enemies! Damn you Venom!

*As Evil screams to the heavens, a nearby alarm goes off. We see a man running out of a store holding products. The cashier runs out after him.*

Cashier: STOP THAT MAN! HE’S A THEIF!

: I wish I did not have to stop his evil deed, but in learning to be good, I must!

*Evil Borg runs toward the man and tries to trip him. The man jumps over Evil’s leg. The man then pushes Heavy-Metal as he runs past.*

: Alert! Masters personal space has been violated!

*Mecha Gold-bear II’s upper body turns 180 degrees as his feet stay still. He points an arm at the thief and his hand converts into a canon.*

: Target locked.

*Mecha Gold-bear II shoots a laser beam that hits the thief in the back. He falls to the floor and mall security jumps on top of him. All the bystanders start cheering and run up to Mecha Gold-bear II, celebrating their new hero.*

: Gh! Even Mecha Gold-bear II is better at doing good than me!? I can’t be good, I just can’t! I must be evil! I must destroy Venom! I must release the evil from his mortal coil and re-absorb it into myself! I need Venom’s evil inside me damnit!

*Mall security rush over to the Borgs.*

Securtiy: Thank you for protecting our mall. We’d love to treat you to a free vegan frozen yogurt for your troubles!

: Oh it gets worse!

-End Transmission-

[Dave D-Flipz]

Reacquiring transmission ...

Reacquiring transmission ...

Reacquiring transmission ...

~Transmission Restored~


*We open again on the three Borgmigos sitting in the mall food court. Evil has his head firmly planted face first onto the table out of exhaustion ... and frustration ... exhaustration! Heavy Metal is deep in thought ... and eating Orange Chicken from Panda Express ... HOW EVIL! Mecha-Goldbear II is happily sipping WD-40 from a large novelty curly bendy straw.*

: Happiness levels at 99% and climbing.

: *muffled by the table* Well it warms my heart that you have managed to enjoy yourself today. I am having an existential crisis and I'm not even the one of us who was a disembodied spirit for over nine years ... I need to either become good at being good or reacquire my evilness! It is my raison d'etre!

: Surrender to reason ...

: Yes I have tried but as you have plainly seen, I am not good at good and despite being in possession of my evil, Venom and his buddy Commissioner Mueller have somehow managed to retain all of their popularity and cool factor!

*HM raises his finger in a eureka moment!*

: WOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

*He leaps up and runs to the escalator.*

: Highway to the DANGER ZONE!

*His voice trails off as he vanishes. Evil Borg stands up and looks around. He begrudgingly trudges off to do more good deeds. He approaches a little girl by a fountain and offers her a quarter. She happily takes it and makes a wish and raises her arm to throw it when suddenly a vintage Young Guns t-shirt hits her back and she falls into the fountain. A security guard looks up and sees a smoking t-shirt gun on the railing of the second level but nobody there.*

Paul Blart: What? Who did that!? This is a travesty. I am on the case!

*Evil Borg now walks over to a young boy who seems to have let go of his balloon and it is stuck under the doorway to GameStop just out of his reach. EB grabs it and hands it to him ... and as soon as he turns to walk away the balloon explodes as a Venom Wrestle Buddy falls from the second floor with glued to it.*

Paul Blart: *out of breath running to the kid* ... A pattern. Another wrestling item. I'm getting closer! This evil will not stand.

*Evil Borg is starting to sense the suspicious things happening. And rather than feel better he is confused. Is he being good or evil right now ... Either way he walks up to an old man and is about to talk to the lonely man when a Young Guns collector Mug crashes into his back and Evil accidentally headbutts the old man.*

: Gah! Who did that? What is going on? I am focusing on defeating Venom ... and by extension Mueller and Heart and Soul ... and regaining my status, my golden pants holder-uppers, and my EVIL and this is MOST distracting. Mecha Gold- .... .where is he?

: Access to masters, 0% ...

*He is stuck in the elevator and is rocking back and forth inside trying to free himself but is only destroying the elevator and making it not run even more!*

Paul Blart: *Approaching Evil Borg, he picks up the mug and then sees the old man.* I knew it! Only someone with a pure black heart could do this. HOW EVIL!

: What ... YES! Evil! I am evil! Yes I am! HAHAHAHAHA!

Paul Blart: NOT YOU! These incidents are clearly the work of the evilest man alive ... VENOM!

*HM leaps from the upper floor ... with t-shirt gun residue on his shoulder, paint from the mug on his hand, and the tag from the wrestlebuddy stuck to his mask. He approaches and sees Evil Borg fall to the floor in exasperation.*

: This will obviously only remedy itself when i extract the evil from Venom bit by bit with my own two hands. CURSES!

: Woop? ....

~End Transmission~

[Venom 🕷]

What is wrong with you idiots?

Do you have any idea who you’re dealing with?

You have the gall to think you passed your evil into me?

I’m the man who turned on his best friend not once but twice to get to the top. I’m the one who rescued a bear from the zoo to eat the most loved pig in America. I faked a mental disorder so that Mongo wouldn’t see the Guns coming right in his face.

You call yourself evil, but you’ve got nothing on me.

Static. Static. Transmission is coming through. Fuzz. Fuzz. The screen become clear and Saber-Tron appears in some futuristic sphere.

“It is all going according to plan. My research on the FIENDS of the PAST led me to one person more TRENENDOUSLY EVIL than that of those VILE BORGS, Venom.”

Static. Fuzz. Clear.

“So long ago I sent a message to the PAST from the FUTURE but it was a lie. A rouse. I endorsed an EVIL MASTER to win the X*Crown for a purpose. That purpose was to put Venom in the front so that he would catch the attention of the HORRENDOUS BORGS from the AFTERWARD. It worked perfectly and their paths crossed. I knew from years of studying the PAST that there were very few people more OUTRAGEOUSLY EVIL than the BORGS, and if their paths were to cross I might be able to use that to INCAPACITATE the EVIL of the BORGS.”

Break. Static. Fuzz. Static. Clear.

“Now it appears to have worked. The BORGS believe that they have transferred their AMAZINGLY EVIL EVIL into Venom and if they continue to believe that this is the truth and not an INFENIUS PLAN by me to CONFOUND and CONFUSE them then they will be weak enough for my fellow Trons to strike and rid the world of their OUTLANDISH EVIL once and for all.”

Static. Cut. Fade.

You know what, you’re right.

You did rub off on me. You’ve made me evil. You’ve given me the ability to not care at a level know human has ever known. You’ve given me purpose to maim and demolish not only Heart and Soul, but you worthless Borgs as well.

I’m now do evil that nothing will stop me. Not you Borgs. Now Heart and Soul. Not the Darkness. Not Mongo. No one. I’m not the personification of evil.

Muhahahahahahaha.