Interrogation Day! (A Massive Rumble RP of Epic Proportions!
Apr 23, 2018 21:14:49 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and Dave D-Flipz like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Apr 23, 2018 21:14:49 GMT -5
**Fade in. Blanco Casa de Kanyon 3.0**
*We open on an interrogation room. The hidden side. We see that guy that plays Lucifer who’s name doesn’t matter because Curtis said he’d call him by his TV name, Andy Sandberg also known as Jake, and Curtis Kanyon in the room. Through the one way window, we see Obsidian sitting at a table, eating nachos.*
Curtis: Look man, devil, I know Obsidian ain’t trying to murder me!
: We have to check everybody and anybody who might have an inkling of a reason to assassinate you bro!
: Yes, although I can already tell this buffoon is not the issue, …we must investigate everyone.
Curtis: Okay, let’s do it!
: When I say “we,” I just meant Jake and I. We are the professionals after all.
Curtis: No, your actors who play professionals that I hired despite everyone’s argument against it.
: Fair enough, come on in with us.
*The three men move into the next room, the camera follows.*
Obsidian: Curtis! What up buddy!
Curtis: Nothing much man! Just chillin’! Things are going great!
*Curtis and Obsidian exchange daps. Then Curtis’s expression quickly changes to anger as he slaps the nachos off the table.*
Curtis: NOW TELL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MURDER ME! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!
*Curtis climbs up onto the table, Andy and Lucifer pull at Curtis and hold him back.*
Obsidian: Dude! What the hell!?
: Yeah mate, what was that?
Curtis: Aren’t we doing good cop, bad cop, dick cop?
: Yeah, that’s not a thing.
*Curtis calms down. Lucifer turns to Obsidian.*
: However! You could be mad that Curtis here didn’t bring you along for his resurgence in the XHF, eh?
Obsidian: I told Curtis I didn’t want a hand out.
Curtis: Oh yeah, he did tell me that. Was I supposed to let you know before we talked to him?
*Lucifer shakes his head and puts his face in his palm.*
: That would have been good to know beforehand, yes.
Obsidian: I wanted to get onto the XHF Network on my own. And now I am! Things are picking up steam in PPW. I finally made it!
Curtis: Really? Good for you! As president, I’m too busy to see what’s going on.
Obsidian: Thanks man.
Curtis: Sorry about the nachos.
Obsidian: It’s cool, I have more.
*Obsidian pulls a ziplock baggy of nachos out of his back pocket and starts eating them. The other three people look on disgustedly.*
: I don’t think this is going to go anywhere else.
**Cut.**
*Now the three men are in the room with now famous fashion designer, GQ Money.*
: What up Prez CK2! Lonely Island guy! And… who are you?
: I’m Lucifer!
: …
: Beelzebub! The Fallen Angel! The Devil!
: Wow, and you all thought I was gay. This guy, right!? Ha ha.
Curtis: You’re attracted to him?
: I AM NOT GAY!
: And that’s why you want to murder President Kanyon! Because he’s always misidentifying you! You’re obviously bisexual!
: No no, he’s obviously intersexual.
: Ugh… Everyone misidentifies me. But I’m super successful, I don’t need to murder CK2. I’m used to it. And despite his ignorance, I love CK2!
Curtis: Thanks bro, but I don’t swing that way.
: I AM NOT… forget it.
*Esmerelda pokes her head in.*
Esmerelda: Are you guys almost done? GQ brought me a dress I want to try!
Curtis: Yeah guys, I think we’re fine here.
**Cut.**
*Back on the other side of the glass.*
: This isn’t going well so far.
Curtis: We need to figure this out! I have a rumble to win! And I have to mention the rumble so that this stuff we’re doing will be broadcasted in relation to said rumble!
: We’re working as hard as we can.
: Yes, let’s get the next most likely not assassin.
**Cut.**
*Back in the interrogation room, Ron Gibson is in the hot seat. He nods at Curtis, Curtis nods back. Ron nods and Jake, Jake nods at Lucifer, Lucifer nods at Curtis, Curtis nods at Jake, Jake nods at Ron, Ron nods at Lucifer, Lucifer nods at Curtis, Curtis nods at Jake. Jake lifts up his finger as if about to speak…*
Ron: BUUUUUUURP!
*Jake lowers his finger and walks away.*
**Cut.**
*Now Paul Smackage is sitting at the table.*
Curtis: Don’t bother, he’s around just to hold my X*Crown titles. Which I will have again soon.
: He’s still a possible suspect.
Curtis: Also he doesn’t talk.
: Oh? Why?
Curtis: Maybe a mute, maybe he doesn’t have a tongue. It’s also very possible he constantly wears a ball gag. I’ve never looked under the mask, and frankly, I don’t want to.
*Lucifer and Jake just stare at each other for an awkward moment. Then they look at Paul.*
: You’re probably right.
**Cut.**
*Now Esmerelda is in the seat.*
Esmerelda: I’ve literally been sitting next to my husband as he was trying to be murdered.
: WHICH IS WHAT THE ASSASSIN HIRING PERSON WOULD SAY!
*Esmerelda grabs Jake’s tie and pulls him down so that they are face to face.*
Esmerelda: Listen to me here you little boy. If I wanted you dead, you would be dead. If I wanted to kill my husband, he would be gone in an instant, you would not be able to find the body, and you would believe my crocodile tears. And if you think for one second I would hire a second rate person to mess it up rather than take care of everything with my own bare hands to make sure it’s done right, then you are a moron.
*Jake takes a scared gulp.*
Curtis: Ah, that’s why I love her!
**Cut.**
*We then see Curtis and his detectives taking a break in the break room.*
: It's been a hell of a day.
: Yeah, I can't believe all the interrogating were doing, this is worse than being all day on set. And you Mr. President, I don't know how you're doing it with also being president and also get ready for that Rumble.
Curtis: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about the Rumble. If you don't mind boys I will direct my attention toward that real quick.
*They both shrug and then keep eating their lunch. Curtis looks at the camera.*
Curtis: Now, last time you saw me on XHF Universe pay-per-view… what do we call these things? Is that right? Anyway, I was a strong champion, and as champion, I was going after every opponent. I was really hitting my stride, marking my territory. This time I have the benefit of not being a champion as I try to attain that which I have lost. And now Robbie A knows my pain, having to defend that title in a match with multiple people where I don't even have to be pinned. So this match, at this place, with what, I don't know, 60 to 70 people? Rob has to face more than what I had to, but I'm the president damnit, and I'm too busy to send out a YouTube to every single one of those 60 bastards individually. I just won that Briefcase Rumble, where I also didn't address those 14 bastards's individually. That sweet, sweet Briefcase. So we all know I’m great at Rumbles and I don’t need to yell at everyone individually.
*Curtis pulls out the briefcase from under the table, opens it up, and pulls out a string cheese.*
Curtis: The Briefcase also works well as lunch pail! So I don't know who all is in this Rumble. I know some people said they are, some people aren't saying that they are, and some people don't even know they are. But I do know it's for the X*Crown, and I know Rob Arnold will be there. I have been tormenting that bastard since he stole the X*Crown from me, and I'm coming to take it back. If I don't do that before with this Briefcase of course. Either way, I'll be tossing over roves of people who won’t know what's coming for them. And another thing--
: Lunch break is over! Time to get back to interrogating. You want us to just leave you be sir?
Curtis: No, I have to help!
: If you wanna stay behind, it’s totally fine.
Curtis: No no no! I'm gonna be in there, I'm gonna help find my assassin, and sucker punch him in the face myself!
**Cut.**
*We are now back in the interrogation room and you see Michael J. Fox sitting behind the table.*
: What the hell am I doing here?
: You have had a problem with the Kanyons for years, and we know that you had some issues with Curtis around Christmas time.
: No, it wasn't that bad.
: Mr. Fox, it is an honor to meet you. Your career is legendary!
: Yeah, Back to the Future one and two, amazing! Three and Four... Eh.
: I know. Is what it is.
Curtis: Face it, you want to murder me because my brother outshined you in BttF 4!
: I'd rather it didn't exist, but its no reason to kill you. I mean, you aren't even my president, what do I care?
Curtis: What do you mean I'm not your president!?
: I'm Canadian!
**Cut.**
*We now see La Parka and Jill in the interrogation room.*
Curtis: We're really going through everyone I hung out with eh?
: No stone unturned.
: No sé lo que está pasando, pero ¿por qué estamos en una habitación con el diablo, el policía y el presidente?
(I do not know what's happening, but why are we in a room with the devil, the policeman and the president?)
: You used to wrestle in the same faction as the President silly.
: ¡De ninguna manera! ¡No puedo esperar para contarle a los niños!
(No way! I can not wait to tell the children!)
: ¡Lo sabías desde el principio! ¿Estás tratando de asesinar al presidente?
(You knew that all along! Are you trying to murder the President?)
: He's been hit with a lot of chairs, sometimes he forgets things.
Curtis: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
: This turned real sad. I'm sorry.
: ¡Es una broma! ¡Por supuesto que recuerdo a mi amigo Curtis!
(It's a joke! Of course I remember my friend Curtis!)
Curtis: Ha ha! You scamp!
**Cut**
*We now see Mad Dog Smith in the hot seat.*
: Tell us! What's your connection to the assassination of the President?!
Mad Dog: Okay, you got me! I am the Lindbergh baby! They recruited me young to assassinate JFK! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! It was the Russians!
: Huh? We were talking about this president. Also, that's unpossible.
Curtis: Idunno, I could believe it. I met this guy in a fed being run by a demon in disguise bent on world domination. We were saved at the last minute by a future alien and a liberal feminist All-American Asian illegal immigrant. So anything is possible.
: Uh...
Curtis: In fact, that last event led me to becoming president.
Mad Dog: It's true, look it up on Wikipedia.
: Of course it is.
: So your saying your some sort of hair metal Winter Soldier type? That's the only way you could have murdered JFK.
Mad Dog: What? Oh yeah. I made that part up, sorry, I'm high on blow I sniffed off of some rock hard co-- titties.
: Rock hard titties?
Mad Dog: ...yeah?
Curtis: He's too crunk to murder anyone. Let's take a break.
**Cut**
*The detectives are in the commissary.*
: Okay, let's look at this from another way. TV has "surprise, you thought this person was dead, but he's not and he's the bad guy" stories. How many dead people are actually dead?
: Yes, who do we know for sure is dead?
Curtis: Well, my brother, of course. Most important death in professional wrestling!
: Who else worked with you and/or him who has deceased?
Curtis: Hmmm. Pretty sure Pillman is dead. I mean, what I saw last time I saw him, no one could survive. Also, Nicole Bass, she's totally dead. Oh yeah, recently Matt Hicks, RIP. Jason has been MIA, he may be dead? My old lawyer Russell died of the diabetes after getting fat off KFC. The real Price also died of diabetes I’m pretty sure, because he was fat.
: A real fat ass piece of trash!
Curtis: Thanks Scott. Also, pretty sure Phillip Burns is dead. Also, Curtis Bauer may be dead, it’s classified, but I don’t think so. I want to believe.
: So some maybes. We could work with that.
Curtis: I mean, if any of those guys aren’t dead, they’ll show up in the Rumble. Anyone who’s anyone will be in that Rumble. I’m telling you, ever since you reminded me, now it’s all I’m thinking about. How am I going to beat up this guy, and throw out that guy, and murder this punk and… oh shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to say murder in front of police. It was hyperbole.
: I feel we must re-inform you that we are not real police.
Curtis: Right, right. But I am really in the Rumble?
: Yeah, pretty sure that’s real.
Curtis: And there is a guy really trying to keel me?
: Or girl, but yeah.
**Cut.**
: Speaking of girls.
Mongo: I’m not a girl!
*Hey everybody, it’s Mongo! Our beloved owner and leader!*
: Sorry, I’m just used to seeing you on the Gun Show. Man, those are great.
Mongo: I disagree.
Curtis: MONGO YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION TO LOSE MY X*CROWN IN A FANCY PANTS GAME OF MUSICAL CHAIRS!
Mongo: BUT IT WAS ONE CHAIR AND IT WAS HARDCORE AND I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU! I’M YOUR BOSS!
Curtis: AND I’M YOUR PRESIDENT! YOU ANSWER TO ME WHILE I ANSWER TO YOU!
Mongo: THE HELL I DO! WATCH YOUR TONGUE OR I’LL TAKE YOUR JOB LIKE I TOOK YOUR TITLE!
**Swipe.**
*Swipe? Yeah swipe, that’s weird. Now we’re in a familiar sci-fi setting.*
Shogun: I feel a disturbance. Like we’re getting closer to …THE FUTURE… as we know it.
Mini: I think you had too much hyperbeer. Shut up and keep helping me train for the Rumble!
**Swipe.**
*Back in the interigation room.*
: Wow, that got intense. Are you so angry at Curtis that you wish to murder him?
Mongo: What!? No! He makes me too much money. Why would I kill a cash cow? The B.A.N.G. money alone…
Curtis: B.A.N.G. does give us a looooot of money.
*Curtis and Mongo high five.*
: I see, this is… a strange relationship.
Curtis: Eh, it works.
Mongo: Just don’t forget to promo for the Rumble.
Curtis: I KNOW! Jeez, do you never shut up about it?
**Cut.**
*Now we see a familiar old face! Freya Kane!*
Curtis: Why Freya?
: She famously stalked your brother to try to gain his unrequited love.
Freya: What can I say, I was young and stupid. I didn’t realize at the time he was just using me. He was such a good actor.
Curtis: He was, but what does her lust for him have to do with me?
: With him dead, wouldn’t she then shift her attraction to you?
Freya: Hey! It’s been years since I fawned over Chris. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean I’m going to jump on his brother. Even though he is the president, and has been very successful on his XHF return, and has a lot of money. And now that I see him up close, he has thighs for days.
Curtis: Well gee, I, oh I’m all flustered. That’s ve—
Esmerelda: I WILL KILL YOU!
*Esmerelda darts in and tackles Freya. The guys immediately try to separate the two.*
**Cut.**
: Okay, so Freya maybe wasn’t all Fatal Attraction on President Kanyon Before, but she might be now. Sorry sir.
Curtis: It’s okay, these are problems my wife has to deal with all the time. Just ask our latest guest.
*Look, it’s Zelda Knite! We can use her because she signed up to the Network! Unlike her husband and former tag team partner of Curtis.*
Zelda: Hey! You kissed me!
Curtis: Shhhh, don’t let my wife hear that!
: Exactly a reason for you to seek murderous revenge!
Zelda: Honestly, it wasn’t that bad.
Curtis: Hey now!
Zelda: Calm yourself, it wasn’t that good either.
Curtis: Aw. Oh hey, I listed some peeps earlier and I wasn’t sure, is your dad still alive?
Zelda: What?
Curtis: Well, he was all old and stuff when I worked for him.
Zelda: He wasn’t that old! Still isn’t. Yes, he’s very much alive! You are still as insensitive as ever.
Curtis: Thank you!
: I don’t think this is going anywhere either.
*KNOCK KNOCK! There’s a knock at the door! Lucifer opens it.*
Page: Excuse me sirs, sorry to interrupt, but there’s a message for you.
*The page opens an envelope and begins to read.*
Page: “You losers aren’t getting anywhere. I have a surprise for you out front.”
: Surely it’s a tra—
*Curtis immediately runs out of the room, pushing the page down. Jake and Lucifer immediately run out after him.*
Zelda: It’s cool, I’ll just show myself out.
**Cut.**
*Now outside on the lawn of this establishment. A stage is set up. Out pops Young Jeezy and 2 Chainz!*
Young Jeezy: Yo yo yo Mista Prez! We got hired tonight to perform one song for you! Someone must love the shit out’choo dawg!
2 Chainz: Yeah, yeah! Hit the music yo!
*As they sing their hit “R.I.P.” Curtis bounces along.*
: Sir, I think this is the work of your assassin.
Curtis: Nah, this is someone trying to pump me up for the Rumble!
: I’m pretty sure this is a clear message of trying to murder you.
Curtis: No, this is about me, murdering 70 other peoples! This is great! Yeah, I feel it! “R-I-P! We killed the club!” This is great! See, I’m the killer, the club is all the other super stars! I’ll throw out the Samoans, the Jamaicans, the Cocaines, all the different types of people!
: That last one’s not a… you know what, let’s just enjoy the music.
*The three men just bounce to the music and watch the rappers continue to perform as we fade out.*
**Fade out.**
*We open on an interrogation room. The hidden side. We see that guy that plays Lucifer who’s name doesn’t matter because Curtis said he’d call him by his TV name, Andy Sandberg also known as Jake, and Curtis Kanyon in the room. Through the one way window, we see Obsidian sitting at a table, eating nachos.*
Curtis: Look man, devil, I know Obsidian ain’t trying to murder me!
: We have to check everybody and anybody who might have an inkling of a reason to assassinate you bro!: Yes, although I can already tell this buffoon is not the issue, …we must investigate everyone.Curtis: Okay, let’s do it!
: When I say “we,” I just meant Jake and I. We are the professionals after all.Curtis: No, your actors who play professionals that I hired despite everyone’s argument against it.
: Fair enough, come on in with us.*The three men move into the next room, the camera follows.*
Obsidian: Curtis! What up buddy!
Curtis: Nothing much man! Just chillin’! Things are going great!
*Curtis and Obsidian exchange daps. Then Curtis’s expression quickly changes to anger as he slaps the nachos off the table.*
Curtis: NOW TELL ME YOU SON OF A BITCH! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MURDER ME! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!
*Curtis climbs up onto the table, Andy and Lucifer pull at Curtis and hold him back.*
Obsidian: Dude! What the hell!?
: Yeah mate, what was that?Curtis: Aren’t we doing good cop, bad cop, dick cop?
: Yeah, that’s not a thing.*Curtis calms down. Lucifer turns to Obsidian.*
: However! You could be mad that Curtis here didn’t bring you along for his resurgence in the XHF, eh?Obsidian: I told Curtis I didn’t want a hand out.
Curtis: Oh yeah, he did tell me that. Was I supposed to let you know before we talked to him?
*Lucifer shakes his head and puts his face in his palm.*
: That would have been good to know beforehand, yes.Obsidian: I wanted to get onto the XHF Network on my own. And now I am! Things are picking up steam in PPW. I finally made it!
Curtis: Really? Good for you! As president, I’m too busy to see what’s going on.
Obsidian: Thanks man.
Curtis: Sorry about the nachos.
Obsidian: It’s cool, I have more.
*Obsidian pulls a ziplock baggy of nachos out of his back pocket and starts eating them. The other three people look on disgustedly.*
: I don’t think this is going to go anywhere else.**Cut.**
*Now the three men are in the room with now famous fashion designer, GQ Money.*
: What up Prez CK2! Lonely Island guy! And… who are you?: I’m Lucifer!: …: Beelzebub! The Fallen Angel! The Devil!: Wow, and you all thought I was gay. This guy, right!? Ha ha.Curtis: You’re attracted to him?
: I AM NOT GAY!: And that’s why you want to murder President Kanyon! Because he’s always misidentifying you! You’re obviously bisexual!: No no, he’s obviously intersexual.: Ugh… Everyone misidentifies me. But I’m super successful, I don’t need to murder CK2. I’m used to it. And despite his ignorance, I love CK2!Curtis: Thanks bro, but I don’t swing that way.
: I AM NOT… forget it.*Esmerelda pokes her head in.*
Esmerelda: Are you guys almost done? GQ brought me a dress I want to try!
Curtis: Yeah guys, I think we’re fine here.
**Cut.**
*Back on the other side of the glass.*
: This isn’t going well so far.Curtis: We need to figure this out! I have a rumble to win! And I have to mention the rumble so that this stuff we’re doing will be broadcasted in relation to said rumble!
: We’re working as hard as we can.: Yes, let’s get the next most likely not assassin.**Cut.**
*Back in the interrogation room, Ron Gibson is in the hot seat. He nods at Curtis, Curtis nods back. Ron nods and Jake, Jake nods at Lucifer, Lucifer nods at Curtis, Curtis nods at Jake, Jake nods at Ron, Ron nods at Lucifer, Lucifer nods at Curtis, Curtis nods at Jake. Jake lifts up his finger as if about to speak…*
Ron: BUUUUUUURP!
*Jake lowers his finger and walks away.*
**Cut.**
*Now Paul Smackage is sitting at the table.*
Curtis: Don’t bother, he’s around just to hold my X*Crown titles. Which I will have again soon.
: He’s still a possible suspect.Curtis: Also he doesn’t talk.
: Oh? Why?Curtis: Maybe a mute, maybe he doesn’t have a tongue. It’s also very possible he constantly wears a ball gag. I’ve never looked under the mask, and frankly, I don’t want to.
*Lucifer and Jake just stare at each other for an awkward moment. Then they look at Paul.*
: You’re probably right.**Cut.**
*Now Esmerelda is in the seat.*
Esmerelda: I’ve literally been sitting next to my husband as he was trying to be murdered.
: WHICH IS WHAT THE ASSASSIN HIRING PERSON WOULD SAY!*Esmerelda grabs Jake’s tie and pulls him down so that they are face to face.*
Esmerelda: Listen to me here you little boy. If I wanted you dead, you would be dead. If I wanted to kill my husband, he would be gone in an instant, you would not be able to find the body, and you would believe my crocodile tears. And if you think for one second I would hire a second rate person to mess it up rather than take care of everything with my own bare hands to make sure it’s done right, then you are a moron.
*Jake takes a scared gulp.*
Curtis: Ah, that’s why I love her!
**Cut.**
*We then see Curtis and his detectives taking a break in the break room.*
: It's been a hell of a day. : Yeah, I can't believe all the interrogating were doing, this is worse than being all day on set. And you Mr. President, I don't know how you're doing it with also being president and also get ready for that Rumble.Curtis: Oh yeah! I totally forgot about the Rumble. If you don't mind boys I will direct my attention toward that real quick.
*They both shrug and then keep eating their lunch. Curtis looks at the camera.*
Curtis: Now, last time you saw me on XHF Universe pay-per-view… what do we call these things? Is that right? Anyway, I was a strong champion, and as champion, I was going after every opponent. I was really hitting my stride, marking my territory. This time I have the benefit of not being a champion as I try to attain that which I have lost. And now Robbie A knows my pain, having to defend that title in a match with multiple people where I don't even have to be pinned. So this match, at this place, with what, I don't know, 60 to 70 people? Rob has to face more than what I had to, but I'm the president damnit, and I'm too busy to send out a YouTube to every single one of those 60 bastards individually. I just won that Briefcase Rumble, where I also didn't address those 14 bastards's individually. That sweet, sweet Briefcase. So we all know I’m great at Rumbles and I don’t need to yell at everyone individually.
*Curtis pulls out the briefcase from under the table, opens it up, and pulls out a string cheese.*
Curtis: The Briefcase also works well as lunch pail! So I don't know who all is in this Rumble. I know some people said they are, some people aren't saying that they are, and some people don't even know they are. But I do know it's for the X*Crown, and I know Rob Arnold will be there. I have been tormenting that bastard since he stole the X*Crown from me, and I'm coming to take it back. If I don't do that before with this Briefcase of course. Either way, I'll be tossing over roves of people who won’t know what's coming for them. And another thing--
: Lunch break is over! Time to get back to interrogating. You want us to just leave you be sir?Curtis: No, I have to help!
: If you wanna stay behind, it’s totally fine.Curtis: No no no! I'm gonna be in there, I'm gonna help find my assassin, and sucker punch him in the face myself!
**Cut.**
*We are now back in the interrogation room and you see Michael J. Fox sitting behind the table.*
: What the hell am I doing here? : You have had a problem with the Kanyons for years, and we know that you had some issues with Curtis around Christmas time.: No, it wasn't that bad.: Mr. Fox, it is an honor to meet you. Your career is legendary!: Yeah, Back to the Future one and two, amazing! Three and Four... Eh.: I know. Is what it is.Curtis: Face it, you want to murder me because my brother outshined you in BttF 4!
: I'd rather it didn't exist, but its no reason to kill you. I mean, you aren't even my president, what do I care?Curtis: What do you mean I'm not your president!?
: I'm Canadian!**Cut.**
*We now see La Parka and Jill in the interrogation room.*
Curtis: We're really going through everyone I hung out with eh?
: No stone unturned.: No sé lo que está pasando, pero ¿por qué estamos en una habitación con el diablo, el policía y el presidente?(I do not know what's happening, but why are we in a room with the devil, the policeman and the president?)
: You used to wrestle in the same faction as the President silly.: ¡De ninguna manera! ¡No puedo esperar para contarle a los niños!(No way! I can not wait to tell the children!)
: ¡Lo sabías desde el principio! ¿Estás tratando de asesinar al presidente?(You knew that all along! Are you trying to murder the President?)
: He's been hit with a lot of chairs, sometimes he forgets things.Curtis: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
: This turned real sad. I'm sorry.: ¡Es una broma! ¡Por supuesto que recuerdo a mi amigo Curtis!(It's a joke! Of course I remember my friend Curtis!)
Curtis: Ha ha! You scamp!
**Cut**
*We now see Mad Dog Smith in the hot seat.*
: Tell us! What's your connection to the assassination of the President?!Mad Dog: Okay, you got me! I am the Lindbergh baby! They recruited me young to assassinate JFK! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! It was the Russians!
: Huh? We were talking about this president. Also, that's unpossible.Curtis: Idunno, I could believe it. I met this guy in a fed being run by a demon in disguise bent on world domination. We were saved at the last minute by a future alien and a liberal feminist All-American Asian illegal immigrant. So anything is possible.
: Uh...Curtis: In fact, that last event led me to becoming president.
Mad Dog: It's true, look it up on Wikipedia.
: Of course it is.: So your saying your some sort of hair metal Winter Soldier type? That's the only way you could have murdered JFK.Mad Dog: What? Oh yeah. I made that part up, sorry, I'm high on blow I sniffed off of some rock hard co-- titties.
: Rock hard titties?Mad Dog: ...yeah?
Curtis: He's too crunk to murder anyone. Let's take a break.
**Cut**
*The detectives are in the commissary.*
: Okay, let's look at this from another way. TV has "surprise, you thought this person was dead, but he's not and he's the bad guy" stories. How many dead people are actually dead?: Yes, who do we know for sure is dead?Curtis: Well, my brother, of course. Most important death in professional wrestling!
: Who else worked with you and/or him who has deceased?Curtis: Hmmm. Pretty sure Pillman is dead. I mean, what I saw last time I saw him, no one could survive. Also, Nicole Bass, she's totally dead. Oh yeah, recently Matt Hicks, RIP. Jason has been MIA, he may be dead? My old lawyer Russell died of the diabetes after getting fat off KFC. The real Price also died of diabetes I’m pretty sure, because he was fat.
: A real fat ass piece of trash!Curtis: Thanks Scott. Also, pretty sure Phillip Burns is dead. Also, Curtis Bauer may be dead, it’s classified, but I don’t think so. I want to believe.
: So some maybes. We could work with that.Curtis: I mean, if any of those guys aren’t dead, they’ll show up in the Rumble. Anyone who’s anyone will be in that Rumble. I’m telling you, ever since you reminded me, now it’s all I’m thinking about. How am I going to beat up this guy, and throw out that guy, and murder this punk and… oh shit, sorry, I didn’t mean to say murder in front of police. It was hyperbole.
: I feel we must re-inform you that we are not real police.Curtis: Right, right. But I am really in the Rumble?
: Yeah, pretty sure that’s real.Curtis: And there is a guy really trying to keel me?
: Or girl, but yeah.**Cut.**
: Speaking of girls.Mongo: I’m not a girl!
*Hey everybody, it’s Mongo! Our beloved owner and leader!*
: Sorry, I’m just used to seeing you on the Gun Show. Man, those are great.Mongo: I disagree.
Curtis: MONGO YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION TO LOSE MY X*CROWN IN A FANCY PANTS GAME OF MUSICAL CHAIRS!
Mongo: BUT IT WAS ONE CHAIR AND IT WAS HARDCORE AND I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU! I’M YOUR BOSS!
Curtis: AND I’M YOUR PRESIDENT! YOU ANSWER TO ME WHILE I ANSWER TO YOU!
Mongo: THE HELL I DO! WATCH YOUR TONGUE OR I’LL TAKE YOUR JOB LIKE I TOOK YOUR TITLE!
**Swipe.**
*Swipe? Yeah swipe, that’s weird. Now we’re in a familiar sci-fi setting.*
Shogun: I feel a disturbance. Like we’re getting closer to …THE FUTURE… as we know it.
Mini: I think you had too much hyperbeer. Shut up and keep helping me train for the Rumble!
**Swipe.**
*Back in the interigation room.*
: Wow, that got intense. Are you so angry at Curtis that you wish to murder him?Mongo: What!? No! He makes me too much money. Why would I kill a cash cow? The B.A.N.G. money alone…
Curtis: B.A.N.G. does give us a looooot of money.
*Curtis and Mongo high five.*
: I see, this is… a strange relationship.Curtis: Eh, it works.
Mongo: Just don’t forget to promo for the Rumble.
Curtis: I KNOW! Jeez, do you never shut up about it?
**Cut.**
*Now we see a familiar old face! Freya Kane!*
Curtis: Why Freya?
: She famously stalked your brother to try to gain his unrequited love.Freya: What can I say, I was young and stupid. I didn’t realize at the time he was just using me. He was such a good actor.
Curtis: He was, but what does her lust for him have to do with me?
: With him dead, wouldn’t she then shift her attraction to you?Freya: Hey! It’s been years since I fawned over Chris. Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean I’m going to jump on his brother. Even though he is the president, and has been very successful on his XHF return, and has a lot of money. And now that I see him up close, he has thighs for days.
Curtis: Well gee, I, oh I’m all flustered. That’s ve—
Esmerelda: I WILL KILL YOU!
*Esmerelda darts in and tackles Freya. The guys immediately try to separate the two.*
**Cut.**
: Okay, so Freya maybe wasn’t all Fatal Attraction on President Kanyon Before, but she might be now. Sorry sir.Curtis: It’s okay, these are problems my wife has to deal with all the time. Just ask our latest guest.
*Look, it’s Zelda Knite! We can use her because she signed up to the Network! Unlike her husband and former tag team partner of Curtis.*
Zelda: Hey! You kissed me!
Curtis: Shhhh, don’t let my wife hear that!
: Exactly a reason for you to seek murderous revenge!Zelda: Honestly, it wasn’t that bad.
Curtis: Hey now!
Zelda: Calm yourself, it wasn’t that good either.
Curtis: Aw. Oh hey, I listed some peeps earlier and I wasn’t sure, is your dad still alive?
Zelda: What?
Curtis: Well, he was all old and stuff when I worked for him.
Zelda: He wasn’t that old! Still isn’t. Yes, he’s very much alive! You are still as insensitive as ever.
Curtis: Thank you!
: I don’t think this is going anywhere either.*KNOCK KNOCK! There’s a knock at the door! Lucifer opens it.*
Page: Excuse me sirs, sorry to interrupt, but there’s a message for you.
*The page opens an envelope and begins to read.*
Page: “You losers aren’t getting anywhere. I have a surprise for you out front.”
: Surely it’s a tra—*Curtis immediately runs out of the room, pushing the page down. Jake and Lucifer immediately run out after him.*
Zelda: It’s cool, I’ll just show myself out.
**Cut.**
*Now outside on the lawn of this establishment. A stage is set up. Out pops Young Jeezy and 2 Chainz!*
Young Jeezy: Yo yo yo Mista Prez! We got hired tonight to perform one song for you! Someone must love the shit out’choo dawg!
2 Chainz: Yeah, yeah! Hit the music yo!
*As they sing their hit “R.I.P.” Curtis bounces along.*
: Sir, I think this is the work of your assassin.Curtis: Nah, this is someone trying to pump me up for the Rumble!
: I’m pretty sure this is a clear message of trying to murder you.Curtis: No, this is about me, murdering 70 other peoples! This is great! Yeah, I feel it! “R-I-P! We killed the club!” This is great! See, I’m the killer, the club is all the other super stars! I’ll throw out the Samoans, the Jamaicans, the Cocaines, all the different types of people!
: That last one’s not a… you know what, let’s just enjoy the music.*The three men just bounce to the music and watch the rappers continue to perform as we fade out.*
**Fade out.**
: Hello? Curtis are you in there? Some Andy Samberg looking dude asked me to come out here on account of me always trying to ruin your brother? ... Is this the right address?
