Somewhere in England (Xtraction)
May 27, 2018 2:04:47 GMT -5
ForeverKuroi, Hyperion, and 3 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on May 27, 2018 2:04:47 GMT -5
*The camera fades in as a suited man aimlessly stumbles around the streets of probably London or whatever. As we come in closer we see that the man in question is none other than Randy Angel, PPW Hardcore Tag-Team Champion and oddly a representative for AWF. What does that say about AWF? He looks around at the various buildings and talks to himself.*
Randy: Man, England sucks. Everyone treats me like a public nuisance and they sneer at me because I’m American. I just wanna get sloshed in piece without somebody saying something horrible to me.
*Randy keeps peering into shop windows as he talks to himself.*
Randy: Jeez, don’t aren’t any of these pubs empty? I never thought I’d be so miserable in a country that drinks so much.
*He looks over and sees the camera, a little taken a back he stumbles.*
Randy: Whoa! Hey. Ok. Yikes. I mean, Nelly said you guys follow us everywhere when we’ve got a match but, wow, here you are. Wait. Have you been following me this whole time?
*The elder Angel thinks to himself.*
Randy: You….um…..you weren’t tailing me six hours ago were you?
*The camera shakes back and forth. Randy seems relieved.*
Randy: Oh thank goodness; I mean- um…that would be a lot of walking with heavy equipment. Anyway, I’m guessing you’re here to get my take on the Xtraction match?
*We’re treated with a “nod” from the camera.*
Randy: Alright, I mean, I’d rather do this sauced but as you’ve probably seen, I’m having trouble lying low. Apparently getting wasted and making a scene is only cool if you sound posh or have a brogue here. Pffft, elitists. Anyway, to start off, I wanted to make an observation.
*Randy puts up his hand with five fingers sticking out.*
Randy: President Kanyon, Price, and Effigy….
*He counts them down on his fingers, putting down his thumb, pinky, and ring fingers, leaving only his index and middle finger standing.*
Randy: That’s three guys who are decidedly not English. In fact, Effigy isn’t even from the earth! So that leaves only two guys….
*Randy shakes his two fingers around aggressively.*
Passer-by: WELL [BLEEP] YOU TOO, MATE!
*Randy is snapped out of the promo.*
Randy: YOU SEE! Oh my gosh this country is the worst! I’m just trying to have a nice conversation about the match and everyone treats me like some rude jerk.
*He calls out to no one in particular.*
Randy: YEAH I’M AMERICAN, YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT!?
*The PPW Hardcore Tag Champion fumes but calms down.*
Randy: Anyway, there’s only two guys who might be actually English, and I think Anomoly is up in the air. So why are we even in England for this event? Did V just wanna piss off everyone in the match?
*He brushes it off.*
Randy: Whatever, so you wanna know what I think of the competition? I think it’s…..fine? I dunno. I mean look, we don’t know hardly anything about Effigy except that he’s a weirdo and a space case. Is he the good kind, the Mork and Mindy kind, or the physically dangerous kind? I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out.
*Randy puts up another finger so he’s got the two ones up again.*
Randy: And then we’ve got the president- who honestly shouldn’t be wrestling this mu-
Random Citizen: WOT M8 YOU WANT TO GO!?
*Randy looks off toward the yelling.*
Randy: Yes, two! That’s what I was saying! And I would like to go but AWF needs me! My best friend, Michael Storm, needs me.
*He sighs.*
Randy: Where were we? Ah yeah, Kanyon. I feel like coming to the UK is a really weird way to spread international relations, but I’m an alcoholic not a politician. Then we’ve got Price- back from the dead and Japanese. But it’s just a re-skin of the Price from old….which doesn’t mean a lot since I don’t think I ever even saw him wrestle back when he was of another ethnicity.
*He thinks.*
Randy: I don’t really know about the other two guys. Anomoly is the champ, right? I guess he wears a mask and is less mysterious than his name would let on. That’s cool, I liked Deadpool- I didn’t get to see the new one yet because I had to come to stupid England and bail out my brother’s employer on the wrestling side of things. I guess that makes the MVP of all this.
*Randizzle nods, proud of how far he’s come. If only he knew that this whole thing was a mix-up and that it was supposed to be Nelly on the team. Oh well, let him have his moment.*
Randy: And then there’s Shawn Rossdale. Is he from England? Is he from Minnesota? Does he really know? I guess he’s done some stuff or whatever….listen…
*The oft-drunk Randy looks frankly at the camera.*
Randy: I drink- a lot. I don’t talk about the alcohol. I don’t write a blog about the beers I sip. I don’t think for an hour before deciding what to drink. I just drink. And it’s the same here. I could go on and on about how team AXW sucks- and maybe they do, honestly I couldn’t care less because it’s not my company- and I could build up my team but I’m sure all my lovely teammates are doing that for me- again, not even my company. I’m a man of action. So instead of drinking, come Xtraction I’ll be fighting…..and drinking.
*He puts up his fists.*
Randy: And just like when I drink, these fists are gonna be taking big ‘ole gulps and gettin’ sloshed. Because I’m Randy Angel, I don’t do anything half way; I do it stupidly hard and likely dangerous. And apparently the tagline for the show is “Blood Money” not “Love Money”- honest mistake to make- and lemme tell you, I’m here for the blood….and the money- I gotta buy the booze, after all.
*Randy smirks.*
Randy: So team AXW? Five guys? That’s nothing. Just five more bottles on the floor, and when we’re done, that’s about all you’ll be.
*He cockily points at the camera.*
Randy: Promo out, baby.
*He winks and makes that clicking sound people make when the point. Then, assuming the camera has stopped, Randy just walks off. The camera hasn’t turned off yet; I guess we’re gonna get a bit more. Randy continues walking until he runs into a group of young men, they look like this….
…Randy, seeing alcohol in their hands, approaches them.*
Randy: Oh thank goodness, do you guys know where to get som-
Chav 1: Hey yo man, wot you be lookin’ up here in my posse and wot?
Chav 2: Right-o m8! You some bloody wanka in yo fine suit and wotnot?
Chav 3: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah, boiiiiiiiiiiii!
*There is a pause.*
Randy: Um, excuse me?
Chav 2: Look at dis roit gubna hea! Oll posh and the loike!
Randy: Whoa man. That is not ok guys. You are portraying a very inaccurate and offensive stereotype of my best friend, Michael Storm. He is from a proud and noble people and shouldn’t……
*Randy drolls on defending his best friend, Michael Storm, and how the locals seem to be portraying him poorly- but the cameraman doesn’t really care and fades out.*
Randy: Man, England sucks. Everyone treats me like a public nuisance and they sneer at me because I’m American. I just wanna get sloshed in piece without somebody saying something horrible to me.
*Randy keeps peering into shop windows as he talks to himself.*
Randy: Jeez, don’t aren’t any of these pubs empty? I never thought I’d be so miserable in a country that drinks so much.
*He looks over and sees the camera, a little taken a back he stumbles.*
Randy: Whoa! Hey. Ok. Yikes. I mean, Nelly said you guys follow us everywhere when we’ve got a match but, wow, here you are. Wait. Have you been following me this whole time?
*The elder Angel thinks to himself.*
Randy: You….um…..you weren’t tailing me six hours ago were you?
*The camera shakes back and forth. Randy seems relieved.*
Randy: Oh thank goodness; I mean- um…that would be a lot of walking with heavy equipment. Anyway, I’m guessing you’re here to get my take on the Xtraction match?
*We’re treated with a “nod” from the camera.*
Randy: Alright, I mean, I’d rather do this sauced but as you’ve probably seen, I’m having trouble lying low. Apparently getting wasted and making a scene is only cool if you sound posh or have a brogue here. Pffft, elitists. Anyway, to start off, I wanted to make an observation.
*Randy puts up his hand with five fingers sticking out.*
Randy: President Kanyon, Price, and Effigy….
*He counts them down on his fingers, putting down his thumb, pinky, and ring fingers, leaving only his index and middle finger standing.*
Randy: That’s three guys who are decidedly not English. In fact, Effigy isn’t even from the earth! So that leaves only two guys….
*Randy shakes his two fingers around aggressively.*
Passer-by: WELL [BLEEP] YOU TOO, MATE!
*Randy is snapped out of the promo.*
Randy: YOU SEE! Oh my gosh this country is the worst! I’m just trying to have a nice conversation about the match and everyone treats me like some rude jerk.
*He calls out to no one in particular.*
Randy: YEAH I’M AMERICAN, YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT!?
*The PPW Hardcore Tag Champion fumes but calms down.*
Randy: Anyway, there’s only two guys who might be actually English, and I think Anomoly is up in the air. So why are we even in England for this event? Did V just wanna piss off everyone in the match?
*He brushes it off.*
Randy: Whatever, so you wanna know what I think of the competition? I think it’s…..fine? I dunno. I mean look, we don’t know hardly anything about Effigy except that he’s a weirdo and a space case. Is he the good kind, the Mork and Mindy kind, or the physically dangerous kind? I don’t know, I guess we’ll find out.
*Randy puts up another finger so he’s got the two ones up again.*
Randy: And then we’ve got the president- who honestly shouldn’t be wrestling this mu-
Random Citizen: WOT M8 YOU WANT TO GO!?
*Randy looks off toward the yelling.*
Randy: Yes, two! That’s what I was saying! And I would like to go but AWF needs me! My best friend, Michael Storm, needs me.
*He sighs.*
Randy: Where were we? Ah yeah, Kanyon. I feel like coming to the UK is a really weird way to spread international relations, but I’m an alcoholic not a politician. Then we’ve got Price- back from the dead and Japanese. But it’s just a re-skin of the Price from old….which doesn’t mean a lot since I don’t think I ever even saw him wrestle back when he was of another ethnicity.
*He thinks.*
Randy: I don’t really know about the other two guys. Anomoly is the champ, right? I guess he wears a mask and is less mysterious than his name would let on. That’s cool, I liked Deadpool- I didn’t get to see the new one yet because I had to come to stupid England and bail out my brother’s employer on the wrestling side of things. I guess that makes the MVP of all this.
*Randizzle nods, proud of how far he’s come. If only he knew that this whole thing was a mix-up and that it was supposed to be Nelly on the team. Oh well, let him have his moment.*
Randy: And then there’s Shawn Rossdale. Is he from England? Is he from Minnesota? Does he really know? I guess he’s done some stuff or whatever….listen…
*The oft-drunk Randy looks frankly at the camera.*
Randy: I drink- a lot. I don’t talk about the alcohol. I don’t write a blog about the beers I sip. I don’t think for an hour before deciding what to drink. I just drink. And it’s the same here. I could go on and on about how team AXW sucks- and maybe they do, honestly I couldn’t care less because it’s not my company- and I could build up my team but I’m sure all my lovely teammates are doing that for me- again, not even my company. I’m a man of action. So instead of drinking, come Xtraction I’ll be fighting…..and drinking.
*He puts up his fists.*
Randy: And just like when I drink, these fists are gonna be taking big ‘ole gulps and gettin’ sloshed. Because I’m Randy Angel, I don’t do anything half way; I do it stupidly hard and likely dangerous. And apparently the tagline for the show is “Blood Money” not “Love Money”- honest mistake to make- and lemme tell you, I’m here for the blood….and the money- I gotta buy the booze, after all.
*Randy smirks.*
Randy: So team AXW? Five guys? That’s nothing. Just five more bottles on the floor, and when we’re done, that’s about all you’ll be.
*He cockily points at the camera.*
Randy: Promo out, baby.
*He winks and makes that clicking sound people make when the point. Then, assuming the camera has stopped, Randy just walks off. The camera hasn’t turned off yet; I guess we’re gonna get a bit more. Randy continues walking until he runs into a group of young men, they look like this….
…Randy, seeing alcohol in their hands, approaches them.*
Randy: Oh thank goodness, do you guys know where to get som-
Chav 1: Hey yo man, wot you be lookin’ up here in my posse and wot?
Chav 2: Right-o m8! You some bloody wanka in yo fine suit and wotnot?
Chav 3: Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaah, boiiiiiiiiiiii!
*There is a pause.*
Randy: Um, excuse me?
Chav 2: Look at dis roit gubna hea! Oll posh and the loike!
Randy: Whoa man. That is not ok guys. You are portraying a very inaccurate and offensive stereotype of my best friend, Michael Storm. He is from a proud and noble people and shouldn’t……
*Randy drolls on defending his best friend, Michael Storm, and how the locals seem to be portraying him poorly- but the cameraman doesn’t really care and fades out.*
