AXW Presser (Xtraction RP#1 and open to Team AXW)

[La Familia Price]

We open up in a big conference room type area where at the end of the room we can see a few tables set up where the members of the AXW Xtraction team is filing in and siting flanking the podium in the center. Curtis Kanyon sits just to the left of it, as The Anomoly sets his AXW title down on the table to face the gathering crowd of reporters to the right, Shawn Rossdale sits himself to the left of the champion where Effigy sits next to the POTUS, Curtis turns and asks if he's on any no fly lists or anything, Effigy just shakes his head in confusion. A screen on the wall behind the tables and podium lights up and we see the owner of the AXW V appear on the screen, his robotic voice starts to speak.

"Thank you ladies and gentleman of the European press for being here today for this press conference pertaining to the XHF global event, Xtraction: Blood Money, coming to you live June 3rd at The New Lawn Stadium in Nailsworth Gloucestershire England only on the XHF Network, we are making history, where are you? I've gathered here today my five warriors who will be fighting for Team AXW and once again show that we are THE dominate brand on all of the XHF. So without further adieu let me introduce my first chosen warrior, the man who I suggest lead this team, AXW's own Xtraction Soul Survivor, The Messiah of Hardcore, Price!"

Everyone looks around to see where Price is as he didn't file in with the rest of V's "Chosen Five", the camera then pans over to the far right at the end of the stage where we can see Price laying on the ground, his hat laying on his face, one leg bent upwards. He slowly removes his hat from his face and sits up, looking around the room, he slowly gets to his feet as he breaths out a huge sigh, and heads to the podium, he unzips his hoodie to show the Thanos shirt he's wearing under, just the lone image of Thanos from The Infinity Gauntlet issue 4   he looks over at Curtis, who goes to make a move towards him but he motions with his hands "poof" and Curtis seems to get the hint that if he fucks with him, he'll never see his wig again. Price taps on the mic a few times causing it to feedback, he just gives a light grin.

"So...let me get this right you fucking snake in the grass, you want me, David J. Price, the Messiah of Hardcore, the one true Soul Survivor of the AXW, to lead these band of misfits against Team AWF?"

Price asks, but he doesn't allow V to answer.

"Team AWf who, are coming into OUR country, into OUR stadium, and trying to make a name for them selves with OUR blood? Team AWF who has...who's on that team anyways? Let me see here."

He snatches The Anomoly's cheat sheet.

"Lets see Team AWF, Team back yard wrestlers who they got....Hmmm no MGK..No Jason Justice...no Hyperion...no...who the fuck are all these people? Damien Young? Say's here hes some type of champion, good for him, titles don't mean shit, and do rags went out of style 15 years ago....who else Seth Dillinger? The Champion of Ohio? Who the fuck would ever want to be a champion of that shit hole state? Trust me, I know from personal experience, I'm from Cleveland, the only area in that state worth a nickle, the rest of it? Fuck that. Shit hole.

Oh look they do have the AWF Champion on their team."

"No he lost the title at their last show." A reporter chimes in.

"Wait really? So we have a former world champion leading their team? A former porn star at that? Not saying there is anything wrong with that profession, far from it, but I have found that most of the men in that profession, are little diva bitches. So what you're telling me is they cant even get their best of the best to come and fight us? I mean granted these two new guys haven't done shit but Curtis, Annie, and me? None of these guys can hold a torch to us, who else we got on this team, oh my old friend Michael Storm."

Price stops and smiles ever so slightly at the camera.

"Don't think I forgot what you did Storm, don't think I forgot about your stupid CTE having ass diving off the stage at me, wrapped in barbwire like the idiot you are, taking me out of the match and allowing your boy Rob Arnold to sit on the thrown and win the X*Crown... oh wait was the cat not out of the bag on that? Was it never reviled that you Rob and MGK were conspiring to try and take over the XHF? Yeah, how'd that work out for ya Storm? How did following a junkie ass loser like MGK work out for ya? Idiot. I owe you a debt Storm, and come June 3rd, regardless of whatever else happens in this match, I will collect on that debt, in full."

He looks at the list once more.

"Well shit at least they were able to get one legend worth a shit on their team, I'm surprised too see Nelly Angels name on here only damn dude on their roster worth a shit..."

"That's not Nelly Angel sir, that's Randy Angel."

"Who"

"Nelly's brother."

"Nelly has a brother?"

"Yes, Randy Angel."

"Never heard of him. Really? this is the best that the AWF can offer? We don't even get Nelly Angel but his clone that his mother should have swallowed? This is who they have going up against us? You'd think they'd at least send their supposed "god" to come and take our own demi-god and one of the newest memeber of the AXW roster Effigy."

He looks down at the strange man.

"Guess Hype is afraid of you."

Effigy shoots him a strange grin, Price shakes his head and carries on.

"V asks me to lead, but I look down these tables, and I say no.

Effigy is a man who follows the rhythm of his own drummer and doesn't need someone to lead him, Curtis is trying to be the leader of the free world, Shawn Rossdale is a spy and working for the Icon's so I don't trust him as much as I don't trust your sorry ass V. And The Anomoly well...quite frankly, even though I am the Soul Survivor, he's beaten me, and is our AXW champion, so if you are looking for someone to lead us V, then why not him? Because I refuse. I'll fight for you, I'll fight in this match because you are going to give me what I want afterwords for doing so, but I will not lead, let someone else step up to the plate and do so this time."

Price turns back to the reporters.

"AWF, this ain't the baseball fields anymore boy's, you're steeping up into the big leagues now, where the sharks eat, some of y'all on Team AWF might be big fish over there in your small little pond but over here across the pond, you're nothing but chum for us, food to feast on, and we are hungry as fuck. No questions, I have spoken."

Price walks off back to the far corner of the room, slumps down, pulls his hat over his face and then his hoody up over that.

((TBC by others?))

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

*The Presidential theme, “Hail to the Chief” starts playing and Curtis stands up from his seat. He pats Effigy on the head and walks over to the podium. Clears his throat.*

Curtis: Well, it was nice of that fake “Price” to start us off on this joyus occasion. It was also nice of him to sleep here so as to not miss this event. I guess being a homeless piece of shit, he’s used to it.

*Without even removing his hat or hoodie, Price just lifts one arm into the air and give the middle finger.*

Curtis: Back atcha buddy! That’s why I’m going to make sure you’re the only one eliminated in our match this Sunday. Speaking of, look at my team. Other than that psycho reject, we’ve got Effigy here. Possibly Paul Smackage’s long lost brother… or lover …or both.

*Effigy waves at the President. He just shudders.*

Curtis: And then we’ve got Shawn on the end there, proof that AXW is diverse and willing to give everyone a chance, even old fogies. Right Shawn? Shawn, turn up the hearing aid pal!

*Shawn just looks confused as to why his partner is dissing him.*

Curtis: Then we have the AXW champion. The only Hispanic in all of Britain, a decenet wrestler, but can’t find a good taco on this island to save his life. Sorry bud. But hey, you’re a good wrestler… you know, at your level. But V wanted me on this team because I’m the only one to be on another level, a level you have yet to reach. That is why Price is wrong to name you team captain, it’s obviously me.

Anomoly: I’m not Hispanic bro.

Curtis: Yeah, whatever. Well, now that I’ve roasted everyone here, per tradition, now I can roast the man of the hour. Paul, if you please…

*Paul Smackage gets wheeled out on a rolling cart with a drum set..*

Curtis: Jackson Steele. Steele needs to learn the heimlich maneuver, because he’s been choking on the big matches just as much as his co-stars choke on his big dick.



Curtis: I mean, this tag match thing, we don’t even get their world champion? What kind of bull—oh wait, he was the champ when it was made! What a let down he is, eh? At least now Steele knows how those girls at the end of a BANG! Bus video feel!



Curtis: Ha ha! Steele forced to fight us after losing his title, he probably feels just as dejected as the time he lost the limp bizkit challenge.



Curtis: I'm not sure which is longer Steele’s penis or the length of time he’s held on to that End of Days contract!



Curtis: Steele seems more out of focus then Lexi Belle after a gang BANG!



Curtis: Where does his mother issues pop up more, in the fact that he went into porn, or the fact that he can't keep a good woman?



Curtis: And I saw the tapes, Exxxstacy is a good woman. And another thing with Steele, the hair on his head doesn’t match the hair on his—

*Anomoly raises his hand. Curtis pauses and puts his hand over the mic, but we can totally still here him.*

Anomoly: Excuse me Mr. Prez, do you think this is a roast of Jackson steel?

Curtis: Well yes, of course, we roast the ones we love right? I wouldn't say all these things about Steele normally, he is awesome.

Anomoly: Yeah man, this is totally a press conference about how we're going to beat up AWF.

Curtis: Oh, alright, I get it. Don't get your pantalones in a twist I can fix this.

Anomoly: I'm still not Hispanic.

*Curtis removes his hand from the mic.*

Curtis: In light of recent information I had just gleaned from my masked Hispanic friend here,I will now talk about one of my many other opponents this weekend… as was the plan this whole time…

Shawn: Oh my gosh, I can't believe this guy is the President of the United States.

Curtis: Then we've got Michael storm, a guy who frankly shouldn't be in a ring, and if we were back in the United States probably wouldn't be allowed in a ring. Well, outside of backwards ass Ohio. But you crazy Brits with your relaxed rules about health and safety, there's so much I can learn from your Queen and her predecessors. Anyway, he was in a car accident, and to think he even has a chance at beating us makes it all the more obvious he has brain damage. I mean what more can I say. I will admit, Mike is a hell of a hardcore athlete, we've had some wars in the past, but while I'm firing on all cylinders he would be lucky if he still has one cylinder working. I don't sweat Mr. Storm, not at all. I was just talking about how Michael storm was a filthy ni- -

Anomoly: STOP!

Effigy: Even I know I can't say that.

*Curtis looks bewildered.*

Curtis: A filthy nincompoop? Why does everyone keep stopping me from saying that?

*Price gets up from his corner and walks over to the president and whispers in his ear. Curtis’ eyes go wide and his mouth agape. Then Price goes back to his corner and slumps down and puts his hat over his face again.*

Curtis: Wow, okay, yeah, I am not looking to get Roseanne’d so I will stop calling him a nincompoop. I don't want that to get misconstrued. Instead, I will just say that Michael needs to have that final nail in his coffin, and I know just how BANG! it into it.

*And then Curtis pulls out some note cards and looks them over.*

Curtis: And then we have that Steph Dondelinger guy.

Anomoly: Seth Dillinger?

Curtis: Whatever. Apparently, dude loves to smoke, come on, what's up with that? I mean unless you’re over fifty, like, no one smokes anymore. What kind of idiot are you? Smoking is not good for your cardio, it's not good to be wrestler, it's not even good to just be a smart person. Anyone under the age of fifty who still smokes cigarettes is just plain ignorant. Over fifty I'll give you a pass because it used to be cool. Is this guy over fifty? Is he their geriatric like Shawn is ours?

Shawn: Hey!

Curtis: Like I said, over fifty, than fine, live your life, you’re practically in the grave anyway. But Steph should switch to weed, far healthier and it’s legal now. But whatever, I don't really know him all that well but I will be sure to help Dondilinger kick his habit with one well placed BANG! to the ribs. That way he can get a new set of lungs.

*Curtis shuffles through some more notes. Anomoly points and Curtis.*

Anomoly: Didn't you say you thought this was a roast? Why do you have notes on all of our opponents?

Curtis: Always be prepared man. No wonder you lost to me. Anyway, Damian Young and I go way back! Like six months. We fought demons together, he’s a good kid. If anyone is gonna last on that team other than that beautiful man Jackson Steele, it will be Damian Young. I mean, unless the stink of AWF has really sunk in and demoralized him, I can see that happening. Ever since I left AWF it's been a urine soaked hell hole. Bradshaw won’t take my calls and discuss our financial agreements. He’s really just run that place into the ground. Luckily, I've got this other thing going on you may have heard of, it being the president. Anyway, Damian is a good kid, but he’s just a kid. And as mentioned by Price, he likes doorags. Whatsupwitdat? We will still beat the tar out of you D-Young, but don't worry, I'll take good care you kid. You still get a BANG!, but I'll take care of you. And then lastly we have Randy Angel--

Crowd Member: Woooo!

*That “woooo” is from no ordinary fan, it's Randy Angel! Curtis looks out in the crowd and realizes this.*

Curtis: Randy is that you? What the hell are you doing here?

Randy: Well, I saw there was a press conference for AXW versus AWF, so I thought I was supposed to be here. I didn't realize this was gonna be a one sided press conference. But then again I am three pubs deep into the day.

Curtis: Aw man, you should have invited me! We totally have to hit one up after this.

Randy: I don't think I'm supposed to hang out with you guys, but if you're paying for drinks sure!

Curtis: Yeah totally Randy. You know I'm sorry that you're on the losing team but I'm glad at least you're in there. I know everyone says that your brother Nelly should be, and they're probably right, but it could be worse, they could put in AJ Phoenix. That dude sucks.

Randy: Hell yeah he does!

*Randy and Curtis high five.*

Curtis: And I'm sorry Randy, we may be friends but much like Juggernaut did to Deadpool in Deadpool 2, I'm going to be ripping you in half, except with a BANG! instead of my bare hands.

Randy: Dude! Spoilers! I haven't got around to watching that yet!

Curtis: No way! You should have, it's awesome, let's go right now!

Randy: Okay!

Anomoly: Dude, come on, we're in the middle of something right now.

Curtis: Oh yeah, you're right. Sorry. Let me make it up to you by buying you nachos when we get there.

Anomoly: I’m not Hispanic damnit! But I will take those nachos.

Curtis: Oh, but you are right, we can’t leave yet, I have to throw to a clip!

Anomoly: What?

*A projection screen comes down from the ceiling.*

Curtis: Hit it Steve!

*An old timey projector starts running and the screen lights up with video…*

**Screen projector. Classified Location.**

*We see Curtis, Lucifer, and Jake standing around a table with Not Anomoly’s Twin.*

: Listen you, why are you doing the things your doing?

Curtis: Jake, what’s up with Lucifer?

: The cancelled show thing really has him depressed.

Curtis: Ah makes sense. Lucy! Take a back seat on this one pal.

: Or you could sit on my lap

: Um, no thanks mate.

: All right Mister… Mister, hey wait, what the hell is your name?

: Oh my, all you needed to do was ask, my name is—

*WOOOP! WOOOP! WOOOP! Curtis pulls out his phone, which the alarm is going off from.*

Curtis: Oh shit! I have to get to Britain for a roast of my favorite wrestler that’s not me, Jackson Steele. Let’s table this for a week or so.

*Curtis darts out of the room. The other three men just look confused.*

**Fade out.**

*The projection ends and the lights turn back up at the press conference hall of which I don’t know the name of the building.*

Shawn: What was the point of that?

Curtis: Just for continuity nerds mostly.

*Shawn scratches his head in confusion.*

Curtis: Anyway, I could tell you that AWF sucks. But I used to be on the roster, and they have Jackson Steele, so it doesn’t suck. That’s two positive points. But that’s about it. AXW has me now, which is like, a hundred positive points. So obviously we’re winning. Sorry for another spoiler. But it’s going to happen. All five of those guys are going to feel… the… BANG! And the four of us will stand victorious survivors. Not “Price.” Fuck that guy. Thank you.

*Curtis walks away from the podium. To be continued by Effigy maybe, but not Shawn or Anomoly because they've already shown up on TV too much. Maybe Price, but that would be weird. But this only furtherly proves what a team player Curtis is and that he should in fact be the leader.*