Post by Seth Dillinger on May 29, 2018 1:54:52 GMT -5
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“Someone Great”
September 21, 2014 - 12:37PM
Some Graveyard
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I wish that we could talk about it
But there, that's the problem
With someone new I could have started
Too late for beginnings
But there, that's the problem
With someone new I could have started
Too late for beginnings
The weather was perfect.
The sun hid away behind a full wall of gray, only bits of light being refracted through the heavy clouds that cried warm tears onto the ground below. The rain was quiet, softly echoing against the green leaves and trees. Seth tapped his foot on the moist ground and it let out a little “squish”. He smirked before wiping away a tear. In front of him, a crowd of men and women stood under a neat little tent so they didn't ruin their Sunday's best. He shook his head and took a drag off of his cigarette, sheltering it from the rain using a combination of his palm and the branches of the tree above him.
It was clear Seth hadn't slept in days. He wore dark sunglases, despite the lack of sunlight, to hide bloodshot eyes. His hair was matted and disheveled, lacking any sort of acceptable shampooing or conditioning. He reeked of cigarettes and booze. The wrinkled baby-blue shirt he was wearing didn't mesh well with his poorly knotted green tie. Little hairs sprawled from the bottom of his neck to the bottom of his ears, casting a five-o-clock shadow across his already sunken face.
Some ways off, the man in black took the podium. He held his hands out, and the crowd responded by sitting like good dogs. Religion never made sense to Seth. After all, most of the religious types thought he shouldn't exist. And then, those solemn words filled the air:
THE MAN IN BLACK
“We have all had a precious life taken from us. We are here to both mourn and celebrate the life...”
Seth couldn't take it. He stabbed the tree with his cigarette and let the ash and embers trickle to the damp ground before storming off out of the cemetery. The rain soaked his shirt and his hair stuck to his forehead. Little rivers of water ran off his sunglasses, but Seth kept walking. The rain flowed off of his cheeks and down to the ground. Nobody could tell he was crying.
===
“All My Friends”
September 21, 2014 - 2:07PM
McCleary's Tavern
===
And when we're running out of the drugs
And the conversation's grinding away
I wouldn't trade one stupid decision
For another five years of life
I wouldn't trade one stupid decision
For another five years of life
BARTENDER
“You want another one, kid?”
Seth glanced up from his phone and nodded at the bartender. He was five beers deep and wasn't planning on going anywhere for a while. The face on the television droned on about politics, but Seth didn't care. He just stared at his phone, fiddling around with it. For a few moments, he played Candy Crush. In the next few, he was browsing Facebook, but not reading it. The bartender returned with another beer and slid it across the bar to Seth.
This certainly wasn't the carefree, happy-go-lucky Seth Dillinger of the past. In place of his smile, there were tears; in place of flashing lights, there was rain; in place of drinks, there were drinks.
A voice behind Seth startled him.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“I knew I'd find you here.”
He spun around to find Lauren. Seth took a good look at her, or at least as good as he could under the influence. She looked pretty much the same as he remembered: short black hair, lip piercing, tattoo on her shoulder. Seth turned back to his beer as Lauren took an uninvited seat next to him at the bar. She set down her bag under his stool and yelled for the bartender.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“I'll have what he's having. And a whiskey.”
Seth groaned.
SETH DILLINGER
“Make that two.”
The bartender nodded and set about making their drinks. Lauren gazed up at the TVs above the bar.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“You didn't tell any of us you were in town. That's fucked up.”
LAUREN DILLINGER
“You didn't tell any of us you were in town. That's fucked up.”
SETH DILLINGER
“I was going to, ya know.."
“I was going to, ya know.."
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Well, why the hell didn't you?”
SETH DILLINGER
“I... needed time, L.”
Lauren stole a curious glance out of the corner of her eye. Seth's head was buried in his left hand.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“I saw you bail at the burial.”
Lauren's voice was triumphant, like she had won a contest or "found out" Seth's plan. She picked up a palmful of peanuts from the wooden bowl on the bar and began cracking them.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Couldn't even say a proper goodbye?”
Seth remained silent. The bartender brought over the two whiskeys and another BEER for Lauren. Seth grabbed the whiskey and took a swig, not even waiting for Lauren. He continued to play on his phone. Lauren took her beer and whiskey, sipping both before setting them both back down on the bar.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“You think you're the only one who's hurt, Seth? Really? We ALL loved Matt.”
Seth rolled his eyes.
SETH DILLINGER
"NOT like I did!”
Lauren turned and squinted at him through heavy eyeliner.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Not like YOU did? Look, Seth, I know you're fucking hurt because I'm hurting too, but what the fuck makes you think you have the right--”
Seth interrupted her.
SETH DILLINGER
SETH DILLINGER
“I loved him.”
LAUREN DILLINGER
“I know, dumbass, I just said we all did.”
SETH DILLINGER
“No, I loved him, Lauren. I always had. Ever since college.”
Lauren sat there, staring at the floor. Seth winced and drank as much of his whiskey as he could stomach. There was a long bout of silence.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Huh. Well, okay. I don't know how I didn't see it. Did Matt know?”
Seth shook his head and shrugged at the same time, a tear sliding down his cheek from under his sunglasses.
SETH DILLINGER
“I don't know what he thought. I don't know anything, L. I never got a chance to tell him this shit, to tell him how I feel, to actually give things a go with him... instead, he's dead. Because of me.”
Lauren blinked a few times.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“First off... we'll come back to this whole 'my brother is gay' thing in a second. But how the fuck is it your fault? You can't blame yourself.”
SETH DILLINGER
“Yes, Lauren, I fucking can.”
Seth choked up a bit.
SETH DILLINGER
“Everything was fine. We were together. We enjoyed life. I just never had the balls to tell him how I felt. Hell, I know it was pointless. I didn't actually believe he was... like me. But god, I hoped. And now, I'll never know now. I'll never be able to tell him how I feel.”
Seth paused to take a sip of his drink.
SETH DILLINGER
“It's like, any time the situation presented itself or we started to get really close, I'd take off in the opposite direction. I'd chase after another boy or go off on some crazy trip. Last time, it was because I was convinced my calling was to be a rock star. And the whole time, Matt was here. He was living in my apartment, taking care of my shit, and now he's dead. And do you know WHY he's dead, Lauren?”
Seth choked up a bit.
SETH DILLINGER
“Everything was fine. We were together. We enjoyed life. I just never had the balls to tell him how I felt. Hell, I know it was pointless. I didn't actually believe he was... like me. But god, I hoped. And now, I'll never know now. I'll never be able to tell him how I feel.”
Seth paused to take a sip of his drink.
SETH DILLINGER
“It's like, any time the situation presented itself or we started to get really close, I'd take off in the opposite direction. I'd chase after another boy or go off on some crazy trip. Last time, it was because I was convinced my calling was to be a rock star. And the whole time, Matt was here. He was living in my apartment, taking care of my shit, and now he's dead. And do you know WHY he's dead, Lauren?”
Lauren nodded.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“He got shot.”
Her eyes watered up.
SETH DILLINGER
“Yes. He got shot. But that's not WHY he's dead. He's dead because a bullet pierced his heart. That bullet came from a gun belonging to some fucked up junkie drug dealer who I had known. He texted me when I was preparing for a show out in Cali, a few months ago. He asked for the guy's name. Every fucking fiber of my being told me not to do it, L. I knew I shouldn't do it, and I didn't want to hook him up with this guy. I knew it would be bad, but I couldn't say no. He begged me for that number. And I gave it to him. And that's why he's dead now. I'm the villain."
Tears streamed down Seth's cheeks freely now. He pulled off his sunglasses and stared up at Lauren through oceans of water.
SETH DILLINGER
“I wanted to tell him how I felt. I've wanted to tell him for years. But I was too scared of ruining shit with him. Too scared of him freaking out and running, too scared of him saying no, too scared of everything. And when he asked me for that number, I was too scared to say no. I couldn't ever say no to Matt. I adored him. God, how I loved him. He was absolute perfection. His green eyes... the soft brown hair... that fucking amazing smile...”
Seth sniffled and paused to wipe away the tears. Lauren did the same.
SETH DILLINGER
“He always knew how to make me laugh and never let me feel down. It was just so perfect.”
Seth sniffled and paused to wipe away the tears. Lauren did the same.
SETH DILLINGER
“He always knew how to make me laugh and never let me feel down. It was just so perfect.”
LAUREN DILLINGER
“What was?”
SETH DILLINGER
“Everything, when I was around him. The day I decided to go off and chase some stupid fucking dream, I had been fired from my job. I was kinda down about it, but Matt wouldn't let me be. He sat down on the couch with me and sparked up a joint and we laughed our asses off to no end. And that was one of the moments, you know? Like, that moment made me realize how perfect he was all over again. And then, I obviously went and ran from it. I ran from him into the arms of nobody.This whole fucking thing... this whole goddamn thing...”
“Everything, when I was around him. The day I decided to go off and chase some stupid fucking dream, I had been fired from my job. I was kinda down about it, but Matt wouldn't let me be. He sat down on the couch with me and sparked up a joint and we laughed our asses off to no end. And that was one of the moments, you know? Like, that moment made me realize how perfect he was all over again. And then, I obviously went and ran from it. I ran from him into the arms of nobody.This whole fucking thing... this whole goddamn thing...”
Suddenly, Lauren reached out and smacked Seth hard on the chin. Seth let out a yelp as Lauren stared him down, shaking with anger.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Don't you fucking dare say that this is all your fault again, Seth. Don't you fucking dare. I'm not gonna sit here and let you blame yourself for what happened to Matt. Just because you were off on an adventure doesn't mean you got him killed. Just because you gave him the number doesn't mean his blood is on your hands – for fuck's sake, you know Matt! If you hadn't given it to him, he would've gotten the number from someone else! This isn't your goddamned fault, and I'm not letting you feel sorry for yourself about this.”
Seth rubbed his jaw.
SETH DILLINGER
“I just wish I could have ten more minutes with him... ten minutes to tell him everything I missed out on telling him.”
Lauren sighed.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“That's the bitch of it all, dude. We rarely get to plan out when someone's going to die. People die unexpectedly. They get shot, or hit by a bus, or have a heart attack, or die in a plane crash. You can't just go around living your entire life wishing you had said everything you wanted to say, you know? That's why you've gotta live every fucking moment like it's your last. And I promise you, the Seth Dillinger I know wouldn't want to live his last moments wallowing in self-pity and doing the stereotypical dance of blaming himself for someone else's death. He wouldn't be caught dead near that trope.”
Seth said nothing.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“So, what're you going to do? Are you going to just sit here in this bar and drink until they kick you out and you have to slink your way back into your apartment, throw up, and pass out?”
Seth took another sip of his beer.
SETH DILLINGER
SETH DILLINGER
“Maybe.”
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Great! Then what? Do it again the next day? And again and again? Tell me, if Matt were here, what would he say to that? He'd probably grab you by the neck and kick your ass until you started acting like your normal self again!”
Seth silently sipped his beer and lit up a cigarette, only fumbling slightly with the lighter to get it lit.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“You know how Matt was for you? He was your source of optimism and inspiration? Well you're that for a ton of people, man. Do you have any idea how many people here love you? How many people need you right now? They're all hurting, Seth. They lost a part of their heart. And you're the other part of it. Yeah, you party a lot, but so the fuck what? Compared to the rest of the trash out there, you're a damn good influence on people. You make people focus on the important things. YOU are the Matt to plenty of Seths out there. So stop being a fucking pussy, and stop feeling sorry for yourself."
Seth shook his head.
SETH DILLINGER
“I can't be that to anyone else out there. It was so easy to go out there and just have fun in front with people when I knew I had something real to come home to... when I knew there was someone here that I loved and cared for and could come back to. Now? Now I can't stand the thought of being here. I can't stand the thought of going back to my apartment and seeing all of his shit there. I've been sleeping on benches and in bars for the past three days since I've been back. You tried to turn this around, and your super tough love pep talk act was really well done, L. Seriously, great try. But you can't even begin to understand what it's like. I've got nothing left here.”
Lauren puts a hand on his shoulder.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“You've got family.”
Seth glared back at her, taking a drag off of his cigarette.
SETH DILLINGER
“Don't you start with that shit, dude. I haven't had a family for years, why would I have one now!?”
LAUREN DILLINGER
“Mom and Dad seriously miss you, Seth. They just wanna talk with you. It's been so long... Maybe you should just give them a chance.”
Seth angrily slammed his cigarette into the ash tray and threw a $100 bill on the bar top. He picked up his pack of Marlboros and stuffed them in his shirt pocket and grabbed his sunglasses, pointing them at Lauren.
SETH DILLINGER
“I don't have a mother. I don't have a father. They abandoned me years ago. And then my own fucking sister has the gall to show up here and act like she's my best friend? No way, L, fuck you. Matt was the only family I had, and he's dead now.”
He turned to leave the bar as L called after him.
LAUREN DILLINGER
“So, what? Where are you going?”
He didn't even bother responding to her. Seth Dillinger strolled right out the door and onto the rainy streets of Philadelphia with no family, no friends, and no home. So he just began to walk.