Who I am. (NOC)
Jul 12, 2018 0:22:26 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001) like this
Post by Steve Awesome on Jul 12, 2018 0:22:26 GMT -5
“Who am I?”
The scene opens up on that smug grin of the man who calls himself the Face of the Franchise. The fanciest aviator sunglasses adorned his face and a million dollar smile beamed at you through the camera lens.
“If you have to ask, then you are probably not important enough to know, baby.”
He was tan and handsome and looked damn good in his custom Armani suit. The Rolex on his wrist and diamond stud earrings sparkled as they moved and made the man himself flash like a jewel.
“Well if we haven’t met before then my name is Steve Awesome. The Face of the Franchise. Yes that’s right, I am the star of the hit film series “Shitstorm” and of course Shitstorm 2 “Montezuma's Revenge”. Two very great and amazing films that totally should have won oscars and really don’t deserve the rotten tomatoes score that it has.”
He scowls and crosses his arms. He rolls his eyes behind the sunglasses and shakes his fist at the camera in anger
“Stupid nerds. Judging my films. What do they know about making films? All that matters is the academy….who totally snuffed me...stupid academy…”
He grumbled and muttered under his breath. He cleared his throat and shook his head to get himself back on topic.
But I’m going to change all that with my new movie coming out in a few weeks called “Novembeards”. I released the trailer, it’s already got so many views on social media. I know everyone is eager to see it and I know that the acting is going to blow you all away! Because well, heh heh, I’m in it.”
He dusts off his shoulders and fixes up his hair just to flaunt up his style.
“I’m also of course a former wrestler in the XHF. And I mean, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but..toot toot you know? I was pretty damn good back in the day. You know I was a former X*Crown Champion around the same time some of my little opponents were getting their diapers changed by there mommas. I held that belt with pride as I took on some of the biggest names the XHF had at the time and I beat them all. That’s why when they say my name they also say legend in the same breath. But then again, considering some of the other guys they call legend around here, looking at you Harry, I’m not sure exactly how much weight that actually has. But I’ll add XHF legend onto my long list of accolades. I was a pretty big deal back in the day I’ve won plenty of championships and honors back then...and here we are almost ten years later and I’m still a big deal. But I’m a big deal in many more ways….you see this Rolex watch?”
He jiggles it in front of the camera and it glistens in the light.
“That is top of the line!”
He runs his finger down the seams of his suit.
“This suit? Cost more than your lives.”
He points off set.
“I showed up here in a jet! It’s literally parked in the back. I’m a big shot Hollywood Star. Successful in every avenue I’ve ventured. Wrestling. Acting. Movies. Television. I’m a multi-media superstar. I have transformed myself into an entire brand. And now I’m venturing into a new challenge. Not only am I the star of Novembeards but I’m also the writer, the director, and the producer. You see? I’m just oozing natural talent and charisma and I’ve never stopped for almost twenty years in the business. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m a go getter. I love a good challenge and watching the looks on the faces of the haters when I knock it out of the park. I’m also the type of guy who doesn’t wait for opportunities. Oh no.”
He shakes his head and wags his finger into the camera.
I go out and I MAKE opportunities. I didn’t like the parts I was being offered, so I decided that I’d make my own movie. I would do it my way, with no one telling me how to act or what I can and can’t do. And I know that my movie is going to do good, but uhhh…..I know the trash talk can get a little brutal sometimes so if you could maybe leave my movie out of the things you choose to insult Id be forever grateful….it’s not cool to trash other people’s art. So I’d appreciate that. Thank you all in advance.”
He smiles and gives the camera a thumbs up.
“And on top of making a movie, I’m also signing on the dotted line to once again step inside the ring. I know that your all thinking, Steve? How could you possibly have time to make such an amazing movie AND train to wrestle for the X*Crown Championship at Night of Champions NINE? And you see it’s all about opportunities and making them happen for yourself. You see I heard that there was a possible slot open to wrestle at the greatest show on Earth, I’ve wrestled on at least four Night of Champions by the way, and I knew I had to jump at the chance. I know how prestigious the X*Crown Championship is to the sport of wrestling and the world itself. I know the blood, sweat and tears and hard work that has been pressed into the metal of that belt. I know what it means to be X*Crown Champion and what it takes to not only wrestle in the main event of Night of Champions and what it takes to survive there, and I want to see if I can still rise to the occasion and reclaim my mantle as the best wrestler in the world.”
He points to himself with his thumb.
“I know I got what it takes but the question is? Do any of you? See you’ve all been considered the best of the best, and Hardcore Harry, and I’m sure you all have been working hard, neck and neck, trying to claim the X*Crown But now the game has completely changed. You all know each other so well but me you really don’t know what you’re going to get. Sure all my stuff is back in the archives. But then add like fifteen more years of kicking ass into the equation. You can see how good I was back then, and now I’m even better. I’m a total wildcard and it gives me all the advantages. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen what some of these kids can bring to the table and I’m mildly impressed, but the truth is….
He smirks.
“This old man has probably forgotten more than most of you even know, and I’m still going to wrestle circles around you. I don’t care if it’s the cage of xtreme mat skills. I’ll outwrestle them all. I don’t care if it’s the cage of tradition. I will toss you right through that glass if I have too. The cage of death, the cage of barbed wire? I’ll use whatever weapon I can get my hands on. I will step inside the four ring circus match, I will out last the seven other men and women in this match and I will come back to my home of the XHF, and win the X*Crown, for a second time, on my first night back. Because I’m Steve Awesome….and being awesome is just something that I do.”
He was serious. He wanted to see if he could still hang with the young kids that run the ring these days. He felt like he could but the proof would be when he raises that X*Crown Champion above his head and takes it home.
“Plus…”
He says with a smirk.
“The belt will look real good on my shoulder at the premiere of Novembeards.”
He points into the camera.
“Coming to a theatre near you.”
——-
My name is Jeff Goldblum. No relation. Everybody gets really excited when they read my name and kind of disappointed when they realize I’m nothing like the guy. In fact I’m not an actor but a journalist and I’m on assignment to cover “The Making of Novembeards.” Some are calling this Steve Awesome’s opus and the magazine I work for thought it would be smart to cover something that was so big. It was a huge opportunity for me as a journalist so I was pretty excited. Although I had heard that Steve Awesome was notoriously hard to work with so I was a bit nervous as well.
When I pulled into the giant parking lot, I was ushered in to park next to Steve Awesome’s private jet. It took up at least twenty parking spots and at least three rows so everyone had to park in the very back. Surprisingly, Steve Awesome was there in the parking lot awaiting my arrival. He had a big friendly smile on his face and he waved to me in excitement as he ran over to the car. He opened the door for me.
Steve Awesome: Oh Mister Goldblum, it’s a pleasure to meet you, when I heard you were coming I got some scripts together and…
He trailed off when he suddenly realized what I actually looked like. Not nearly as handsome as the real Jeff Goldblum that’s for sure.
Steve Awesome: Oh? What the fuck!?
He sneers at me and I barely get my foot in the car before he proceeds to slam the car door in my face and walk away disappointed. I could already tell this was going to be an interesting experience for me to say the least.
The movie studio was huge. It was like the size of a football stadium. There were people working hard and rushing around. Since it was inside a big warehouse type building, all the voices and noise echoed and buzzed overhead. Contractor’s working on sets. Dozens of would be actors working on lines. The camera crews setting up equipment. Everyone was focused on there task at hand and didn’t have time to help me. On foot it took awhile to get anywhere, but in the distance I could see Steve and he looked to be, from what I could tell, in his element. Calling shots, giving directions. People would walk up to him with a question or a concern and he would point in some direction or give an order and they would scurry off that way and carry out their new job. He seemed to be taking to his position very seriously.
As I finally walked the rest of the way up to the man I was supposed to follow around, I found him in mid conversation with what appeared to the Director of Photography.
Steve Awesome: So you are the “DP” eh? Heh heh ha ha…
Steve Awesome giggled like a schoolboy at what I assumed was the inappropriate thing that DP stood for. The Director of Photography didn’t exactly seem amused.
Director of Photography: Please, I’ve told you already. DP stands for Director of Photography.
Steve Awesome: Okay, whatever you say….”DP” ha ha ha…
Steve chuckled at the joke, perhaps a little longer than necessary and didn’t seem to notice that no one else was laughing with him. He reached under his sunglasses and wiped a tear from his eye.
Steve Awesome: Oh man….that is never going to get old. Okay but let’s get serious. We got a movie to make here people.
Director of Photography: Steve, I came up to you because I wanted to tell you that I think we just found our Carmen!
Steve Awesome smiled and he looked at me. He was still wearing his sunglasses in doors.
Steve Awesome: This is my favorite part of the job, Jeff. I get to be a judgmental asshole!
Steve runs his hands together and licks his lips and heads down the hall with an excitement Comparable to a kid in a toy store. We all walked down to the casting room and inside was a beautiful Latin woman. I mean I was blown away. She had a striking beauty. Like it just slapped you in the face as soon as you saw it. She had everything. Curves. Hair. Eyes. Lips. Her confident attitude displayed by her posture. This was it! This was the women who should play Carmen if there ever was such a lady. Cast her now! I screamed in my head.
Casting Agent: Here she is. Carmen!
The Director of photography and the casting agent both unveiled her like the gift from the Gods that she was.
Director of Photography: What do you think, Steve?
Steve Awesome: Meh…
The uninterested shrug of the artist known as Steve Awesome was enough to dishearten a man, but the meh that followed was enough to drain the confidence from their faces.
Casting Agent: B-b-but she looks perfect. She’s exactly how you described her in the character description.
Steve Awesome: NO!
Steve storms over to the young actress and he doesn’t pull it but he grabs a small bit of her hair in his hand.
Steve Awesome: You see this hair?
Her hair was healthy and full and a rich shade of brown.
Steve Awesome: This is brown number four. I SPECIFICALLY stated that I wanted brown number FIVE!! So no, she isn’t perfect. Next in line please.
Casting Agent: But Steve…
The agent says, attempting to defend what I’m sure we all agreed was a perfect choice for the role.
Casting Agent: ….look at her. That is the Carmen! We could just lighten her hair….or darken it, I don’t understand how it works but we can change her hair!
Steve’s jaw drops in utter shock. It was as if what this man said was an insult to his own mother.
Steve Awesome: And risk the organic integrity of my movie!? I think not! Young lady, out!”
Steve starts gently rushing toward the door. Yelling the entire way.
Steve Awesome: Out. Out. Out. Meet me at my private jet around two. Out! Out!
He slams the door behind the actress and turned around clapping his hands off of any dust after a job well done. Just then the man everyone saw on the Gun Show, Steve Awesome’s personal assistant; Bill Jenkinsworth.
Bill Jenkinsworth: Don’t forget sir, you have your spray tan, Botox, and hair dye appointment at six.
Steve nodded his head.
Steve Awesome: Thank you Jenkinsworth.
Steve looks back toward the casting Agent and the Director of photography. He glared at them and slowly shook his head in disappointment.
Steve Awesome: Remember Guys, I need organic. I need real people. They have to fit the part exactly! I know you guys can do better. So do it!”
After lunch I joined Steve as we were walking toward the parking lot. I had to ask him about earlier, that girl was perfect, and I think that it was a huge mistake to let her go like that.
Steve Awesome: You know Jeff, I’m an envisionist. When I get an idea for a piece in my head, that is the exact piece I want to make. I’m always trying to figure out the next move to get there. With acting, and now with directing and producing, and even with wrestling.”
He said as he pushed through the double doors and into the parking lot.
Steve Awesome: I’m always thinking one step ahead. I'm always searching for the perfect move. I follow my natural instinct on these things, and something told me that girl wasn’t right for my movie. She wasn’t the right move to get the win.”
I was still shocked, but I guess Steve knows what he’s doing or else he wouldn’t be as successful as he was in movies and in pro wrestling.
Steve Awesome: But, speaking of that girl…
He pointed and there she was, waiting patiently next to his big private jet. I couldn’t believe that she would be there after what had happened today.
Steve Awesome: ...Now my other favorite part of the job.
He rubs his palms together and licks his lips.
Steve Awesome: Groupies…
And with that he left me for the day. And I watched a man that not only planned to direct, star and produce his own movie but to also outwrestle some of today’s top superstars for the richest prize in wrestling, take that girl into his private jet and shut the hatch. All I could do was just shake my head. That’s Steve Awesome for you.
This would definitely be an experience of a lifetime.
The scene opens up on that smug grin of the man who calls himself the Face of the Franchise. The fanciest aviator sunglasses adorned his face and a million dollar smile beamed at you through the camera lens.
“If you have to ask, then you are probably not important enough to know, baby.”
He was tan and handsome and looked damn good in his custom Armani suit. The Rolex on his wrist and diamond stud earrings sparkled as they moved and made the man himself flash like a jewel.
“Well if we haven’t met before then my name is Steve Awesome. The Face of the Franchise. Yes that’s right, I am the star of the hit film series “Shitstorm” and of course Shitstorm 2 “Montezuma's Revenge”. Two very great and amazing films that totally should have won oscars and really don’t deserve the rotten tomatoes score that it has.”
He scowls and crosses his arms. He rolls his eyes behind the sunglasses and shakes his fist at the camera in anger
“Stupid nerds. Judging my films. What do they know about making films? All that matters is the academy….who totally snuffed me...stupid academy…”
He grumbled and muttered under his breath. He cleared his throat and shook his head to get himself back on topic.
But I’m going to change all that with my new movie coming out in a few weeks called “Novembeards”. I released the trailer, it’s already got so many views on social media. I know everyone is eager to see it and I know that the acting is going to blow you all away! Because well, heh heh, I’m in it.”
He dusts off his shoulders and fixes up his hair just to flaunt up his style.
“I’m also of course a former wrestler in the XHF. And I mean, I don’t mean to toot my own horn but..toot toot you know? I was pretty damn good back in the day. You know I was a former X*Crown Champion around the same time some of my little opponents were getting their diapers changed by there mommas. I held that belt with pride as I took on some of the biggest names the XHF had at the time and I beat them all. That’s why when they say my name they also say legend in the same breath. But then again, considering some of the other guys they call legend around here, looking at you Harry, I’m not sure exactly how much weight that actually has. But I’ll add XHF legend onto my long list of accolades. I was a pretty big deal back in the day I’ve won plenty of championships and honors back then...and here we are almost ten years later and I’m still a big deal. But I’m a big deal in many more ways….you see this Rolex watch?”
He jiggles it in front of the camera and it glistens in the light.
“That is top of the line!”
He runs his finger down the seams of his suit.
“This suit? Cost more than your lives.”
He points off set.
“I showed up here in a jet! It’s literally parked in the back. I’m a big shot Hollywood Star. Successful in every avenue I’ve ventured. Wrestling. Acting. Movies. Television. I’m a multi-media superstar. I have transformed myself into an entire brand. And now I’m venturing into a new challenge. Not only am I the star of Novembeards but I’m also the writer, the director, and the producer. You see? I’m just oozing natural talent and charisma and I’ve never stopped for almost twenty years in the business. I’m an entrepreneur. I’m a go getter. I love a good challenge and watching the looks on the faces of the haters when I knock it out of the park. I’m also the type of guy who doesn’t wait for opportunities. Oh no.”
He shakes his head and wags his finger into the camera.
I go out and I MAKE opportunities. I didn’t like the parts I was being offered, so I decided that I’d make my own movie. I would do it my way, with no one telling me how to act or what I can and can’t do. And I know that my movie is going to do good, but uhhh…..I know the trash talk can get a little brutal sometimes so if you could maybe leave my movie out of the things you choose to insult Id be forever grateful….it’s not cool to trash other people’s art. So I’d appreciate that. Thank you all in advance.”
He smiles and gives the camera a thumbs up.
“And on top of making a movie, I’m also signing on the dotted line to once again step inside the ring. I know that your all thinking, Steve? How could you possibly have time to make such an amazing movie AND train to wrestle for the X*Crown Championship at Night of Champions NINE? And you see it’s all about opportunities and making them happen for yourself. You see I heard that there was a possible slot open to wrestle at the greatest show on Earth, I’ve wrestled on at least four Night of Champions by the way, and I knew I had to jump at the chance. I know how prestigious the X*Crown Championship is to the sport of wrestling and the world itself. I know the blood, sweat and tears and hard work that has been pressed into the metal of that belt. I know what it means to be X*Crown Champion and what it takes to not only wrestle in the main event of Night of Champions and what it takes to survive there, and I want to see if I can still rise to the occasion and reclaim my mantle as the best wrestler in the world.”
He points to himself with his thumb.
“I know I got what it takes but the question is? Do any of you? See you’ve all been considered the best of the best, and Hardcore Harry, and I’m sure you all have been working hard, neck and neck, trying to claim the X*Crown But now the game has completely changed. You all know each other so well but me you really don’t know what you’re going to get. Sure all my stuff is back in the archives. But then add like fifteen more years of kicking ass into the equation. You can see how good I was back then, and now I’m even better. I’m a total wildcard and it gives me all the advantages. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve seen what some of these kids can bring to the table and I’m mildly impressed, but the truth is….
He smirks.
“This old man has probably forgotten more than most of you even know, and I’m still going to wrestle circles around you. I don’t care if it’s the cage of xtreme mat skills. I’ll outwrestle them all. I don’t care if it’s the cage of tradition. I will toss you right through that glass if I have too. The cage of death, the cage of barbed wire? I’ll use whatever weapon I can get my hands on. I will step inside the four ring circus match, I will out last the seven other men and women in this match and I will come back to my home of the XHF, and win the X*Crown, for a second time, on my first night back. Because I’m Steve Awesome….and being awesome is just something that I do.”
He was serious. He wanted to see if he could still hang with the young kids that run the ring these days. He felt like he could but the proof would be when he raises that X*Crown Champion above his head and takes it home.
“Plus…”
He says with a smirk.
“The belt will look real good on my shoulder at the premiere of Novembeards.”
He points into the camera.
“Coming to a theatre near you.”
——-
My name is Jeff Goldblum. No relation. Everybody gets really excited when they read my name and kind of disappointed when they realize I’m nothing like the guy. In fact I’m not an actor but a journalist and I’m on assignment to cover “The Making of Novembeards.” Some are calling this Steve Awesome’s opus and the magazine I work for thought it would be smart to cover something that was so big. It was a huge opportunity for me as a journalist so I was pretty excited. Although I had heard that Steve Awesome was notoriously hard to work with so I was a bit nervous as well.
When I pulled into the giant parking lot, I was ushered in to park next to Steve Awesome’s private jet. It took up at least twenty parking spots and at least three rows so everyone had to park in the very back. Surprisingly, Steve Awesome was there in the parking lot awaiting my arrival. He had a big friendly smile on his face and he waved to me in excitement as he ran over to the car. He opened the door for me.
Steve Awesome: Oh Mister Goldblum, it’s a pleasure to meet you, when I heard you were coming I got some scripts together and…
He trailed off when he suddenly realized what I actually looked like. Not nearly as handsome as the real Jeff Goldblum that’s for sure.
Steve Awesome: Oh? What the fuck!?
He sneers at me and I barely get my foot in the car before he proceeds to slam the car door in my face and walk away disappointed. I could already tell this was going to be an interesting experience for me to say the least.
The movie studio was huge. It was like the size of a football stadium. There were people working hard and rushing around. Since it was inside a big warehouse type building, all the voices and noise echoed and buzzed overhead. Contractor’s working on sets. Dozens of would be actors working on lines. The camera crews setting up equipment. Everyone was focused on there task at hand and didn’t have time to help me. On foot it took awhile to get anywhere, but in the distance I could see Steve and he looked to be, from what I could tell, in his element. Calling shots, giving directions. People would walk up to him with a question or a concern and he would point in some direction or give an order and they would scurry off that way and carry out their new job. He seemed to be taking to his position very seriously.
As I finally walked the rest of the way up to the man I was supposed to follow around, I found him in mid conversation with what appeared to the Director of Photography.
Steve Awesome: So you are the “DP” eh? Heh heh ha ha…
Steve Awesome giggled like a schoolboy at what I assumed was the inappropriate thing that DP stood for. The Director of Photography didn’t exactly seem amused.
Director of Photography: Please, I’ve told you already. DP stands for Director of Photography.
Steve Awesome: Okay, whatever you say….”DP” ha ha ha…
Steve chuckled at the joke, perhaps a little longer than necessary and didn’t seem to notice that no one else was laughing with him. He reached under his sunglasses and wiped a tear from his eye.
Steve Awesome: Oh man….that is never going to get old. Okay but let’s get serious. We got a movie to make here people.
Director of Photography: Steve, I came up to you because I wanted to tell you that I think we just found our Carmen!
Steve Awesome smiled and he looked at me. He was still wearing his sunglasses in doors.
Steve Awesome: This is my favorite part of the job, Jeff. I get to be a judgmental asshole!
Steve runs his hands together and licks his lips and heads down the hall with an excitement Comparable to a kid in a toy store. We all walked down to the casting room and inside was a beautiful Latin woman. I mean I was blown away. She had a striking beauty. Like it just slapped you in the face as soon as you saw it. She had everything. Curves. Hair. Eyes. Lips. Her confident attitude displayed by her posture. This was it! This was the women who should play Carmen if there ever was such a lady. Cast her now! I screamed in my head.
Casting Agent: Here she is. Carmen!
The Director of photography and the casting agent both unveiled her like the gift from the Gods that she was.
Director of Photography: What do you think, Steve?
Steve Awesome: Meh…
The uninterested shrug of the artist known as Steve Awesome was enough to dishearten a man, but the meh that followed was enough to drain the confidence from their faces.
Casting Agent: B-b-but she looks perfect. She’s exactly how you described her in the character description.
Steve Awesome: NO!
Steve storms over to the young actress and he doesn’t pull it but he grabs a small bit of her hair in his hand.
Steve Awesome: You see this hair?
Her hair was healthy and full and a rich shade of brown.
Steve Awesome: This is brown number four. I SPECIFICALLY stated that I wanted brown number FIVE!! So no, she isn’t perfect. Next in line please.
Casting Agent: But Steve…
The agent says, attempting to defend what I’m sure we all agreed was a perfect choice for the role.
Casting Agent: ….look at her. That is the Carmen! We could just lighten her hair….or darken it, I don’t understand how it works but we can change her hair!
Steve’s jaw drops in utter shock. It was as if what this man said was an insult to his own mother.
Steve Awesome: And risk the organic integrity of my movie!? I think not! Young lady, out!”
Steve starts gently rushing toward the door. Yelling the entire way.
Steve Awesome: Out. Out. Out. Meet me at my private jet around two. Out! Out!
He slams the door behind the actress and turned around clapping his hands off of any dust after a job well done. Just then the man everyone saw on the Gun Show, Steve Awesome’s personal assistant; Bill Jenkinsworth.
Bill Jenkinsworth: Don’t forget sir, you have your spray tan, Botox, and hair dye appointment at six.
Steve nodded his head.
Steve Awesome: Thank you Jenkinsworth.
Steve looks back toward the casting Agent and the Director of photography. He glared at them and slowly shook his head in disappointment.
Steve Awesome: Remember Guys, I need organic. I need real people. They have to fit the part exactly! I know you guys can do better. So do it!”
After lunch I joined Steve as we were walking toward the parking lot. I had to ask him about earlier, that girl was perfect, and I think that it was a huge mistake to let her go like that.
Steve Awesome: You know Jeff, I’m an envisionist. When I get an idea for a piece in my head, that is the exact piece I want to make. I’m always trying to figure out the next move to get there. With acting, and now with directing and producing, and even with wrestling.”
He said as he pushed through the double doors and into the parking lot.
Steve Awesome: I’m always thinking one step ahead. I'm always searching for the perfect move. I follow my natural instinct on these things, and something told me that girl wasn’t right for my movie. She wasn’t the right move to get the win.”
I was still shocked, but I guess Steve knows what he’s doing or else he wouldn’t be as successful as he was in movies and in pro wrestling.
Steve Awesome: But, speaking of that girl…
He pointed and there she was, waiting patiently next to his big private jet. I couldn’t believe that she would be there after what had happened today.
Steve Awesome: ...Now my other favorite part of the job.
He rubs his palms together and licks his lips.
Steve Awesome: Groupies…
And with that he left me for the day. And I watched a man that not only planned to direct, star and produce his own movie but to also outwrestle some of today’s top superstars for the richest prize in wrestling, take that girl into his private jet and shut the hatch. All I could do was just shake my head. That’s Steve Awesome for you.
This would definitely be an experience of a lifetime.
