Roast in the Oven (XCrown RP for NOC, #9/9)

[The Anomoly]

..:: JULY 26TH, 2018 ::..

The shot begins on a lonely dirt road in the middle of the night. Everything is tinted monochrome, or black and white for you uncultured buffoons. A dark figure is approaching from the darkness, the finer details slowly coming into focus as he emerges into the moonlight. Canvas shoes. Dark jeans with markings all along them. A black hoodie with a white skull outline.A spiked vest. And to top it all off, a spiked mask and signature light-up glasses. The glasses display two X’s over them, and the figure walks up to the camera, crossing his arms over his chest.

Anomoly: It’s been a long time since I donned this attire. Think I dropped this shit after I maimed ‘Crow back in January. You know, a lot’s gone on in the last few days. I’ve dealt with things most people never want to face in an entire lifetime. In just days, my soon-to-be wife and my daughter were kidnapped unjustly from their hotel room, and tortured, brutally beaten, and killed. I’m not sure who was behind this, nor what the motives were. But it leaves me with a heavy heart. And then to find out my Evelyn had been cheating on me, that has really set me on a downward spiral. I’ve tangoed with depression. I’ve wondered how I wasn’t good enough? I dropped the drugs, the crime, the bad influences. And still, she chose other men over me. Was it the fact I got sterilized? Didn’t want any more surprise kids. One was enough, especially in my teenage years.

Anomoly shivers in the cold breeze that sways the trees. He sighs, and continues his speech, keeping the clatter of his teeth to a minimal.

Anomoly: But I digress, things haven’t been well. I’ve slacked off from training, not even given an ounce of a fuck about the upcoming match. I’ve attacked myself with my ongoing, hyperactive brain. What was is that drove this to happen? Who could be so driven to make a point to me that they’d eliminate the only things that mattered to me? While it’s unknown who would do this, I promise. I will find you and make you relive torture, unbearable torture equal to that you’ve done unto myself and my now-deceased family.

Anomoly adjusts his stance, and cracks his knuckles.

Anomoly: Now, when my memory reminded me of the upcoming task in a few days time, I knew something needed to be done. I mean, I’ve barely spoken about, or even researched my opponents. While those who know me know that doesn’t matter, as I usually let my fists speak for me, I’ve heard that others have had plenty to say about me. So, it seems wars of words are what we’re reduced to these days. Everyone has had something to say about me, yet no one has shown much to backup their word.

Anomoly pulls out a phone, the screen lighting up the surrounding area, yet also making it darker in a sense.

Anomoly: First up on my hitlist, a young Japanese wanker names Raiden Ishimori. Now, I’m no knowledgeable man of Japanese folklore and bullshit, but if this guy doesn’t walk down in a straw cap shooting lightning out of his fingertips, I’ll be severely unimpressed. The only notable Raiden in history is a video game character, so you clearly have big shoes to fill. This so-called “Bone Cold” “Lone Wolf of Osaka” is like a glass of milk at night; he puts me to sleep, he’s boring. I could go on and on about how I’m going to do this and that on Sunday, but one thing’s for certain. You’re no lone wolf. You find yourself in a fellowship called “The Boys.” Real original name, by the way. But you have allies, you have fellas who have your back. You’re not alone. Hell, you’re not even from Osaka! You’re from the Kyoto Precinct! If anything, you should be called the Bone Cold Bullshitter. Because you sir, are one big pile of shit. And Bone Cold? What does that even mean? Bones can’t be cold. That statement is just entirely mind boggling. You’re an eyesore in that ring, too. Sloppy as all hell. No wonder no professional company would hire you, forcing you to run to Suzuki Blitz. She must’ve been desperate meatbags she’s hire any unprofessional schlop she could get her hands on.

Anomoly clears his throat and checks his phone, presumably looking for his next opponent.

Anomoly: Ah yes. Rob Riot. A man shrouded in mystery, belonging to a fed that doesn’t even host its shows on the XHF. You belong to some low budget, unreliable fed who sells its shows to Mongo for extra money. You talk a tough game for a guy who has no name value. You probably just got lucky enough to win your first match, and THAT happened to be an X*Crown qualifier. Oh, ha ha. I spelt my name wrong. Phooey, does it matter how the fuck my name’s spelt? We got motherfuckers like Zolothoch with unspellable, probably fake names, and you choose to pick on ME for improper grammar. Bitch please. If you took half a second to look me up, you’d note I went… *counts on fingers* 6 months undefeated! A World-no, UNDISPUTED Champion of AXW! You wanna guess because I “spelled my name wrong” that I automatically can’t wrestle? Look at my resume, and look at yours. Then, then we’ll talk.

Anomoly stretches, and subtly nods.

Anomoly: Speaking of Zolothot, let’s talk of Ms. Tabitha Osborne. Not to be confused with any relevant osbournes, like Ozzy and… whoever the fuck his redhead wife is. Shannon? That sounds right. ANYWAY, you were a smart little girl and kept your mouth shut, kept me outta your breath. Because if you’d even mentioned me ONCE, I’d have torn you to shreds… oh wait, i’ll do that anyways. You can cry and play your {No Means No} card all you wish, but that’s not gonna stop me from brutally shoving my fist down your throat, non erotically, and with it your teeth. Knock ‘em so hard you’ll shit them after I drop your ass with a Ragnorak and pin you one, two three. Sure, I pity your backstory laced with incest and {No Means No}, but I also believe you’re an insane little insecure attention whore who’s just vying for attention! Well you’ve got my full span of attention, Tabitcha Ozboring, so make haste and get back into the kitchen. You’ve a sandwich to make me.

Anomoly pulls out his phone, noting we’re finally getting into the notable superstars.

Anomoly: Ah, Steely. Steely Steely Steele. They say jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Well we can put that to the test, because my brutal assaults on your movie star body is gonna melt your ass before you can even realise Raymond made our fourway on Open FIght Night a steel cage match! Yeah, I can’t believe it either! We'll be stepping out of XHF’s satanic orgy cages and straight into another one, with some less-than notable figures with us. But I’ll save those roasts for later on. Now, what really astonishes me is how a glorified porn star became the headliner for the “Top Fed” on this godforsaken Network. We all know your half witted ass could barely hold a candle to the flame of people like Hyperion, Bobby Barratt, and Jack Diamond. So you came, short schlong tucked between, waddling to V begging for a job,. Don’t lie, V has dignity. He wouldn’t hire someone like you, because your only draw is low budget and cheaply made porno games. Hell, i saw your VR game, and it’s nothing short of a bust. The entire thing is just the player being dommed! And we all know if there’s any dom in this match, it’s me! I will personally make sure you get nothing done in that match, I’ll be there, heaving my hot breath on your neck like I’m raw dogging you, doggy style! The only thing you’ll walk away with is a face so scarred no one will cast you for shit again.

Anomoly clears his throat, before moving on.

Anomoly: Next, we’ve got another cheaply made Hollywood gone crack addict, Steve Awesome! And I promise this match will be nothing short of awesome for you. I hear your an actor, director, writer, and producer of your own movie. That’s all nice and swell, but rest assured you won’t be making it into any big screen roles so long as I get my hands on you. I’ll shred your pretty little face with the barbed wire in the barbed wire cage, make you so indistinguishable your own co-actors won’t know who you are. They’ll think you’re an EXTRA, just like your position in this match. An EXTRA. I’ve never been so ashamed to have to share the ring with such an excuse for an opponent! You turned your back on wrestling and went hollywood! Just like Hulkamania! Rocky! Never Give Up! They all went Hollywood, and you were a-struttin’ behind them. Except… what movies were you in? None. You left to be an unsuccessful movie star, with as much credibility in Hollywood as you’ve got here in XHF. Absolutely none.

Anomoly throws back the hood, revealing his black hair. Well, everything here is tinted monochrome, so what else is new.

Anomoly: :Let’s see…. We also got this 7 foot, 300 pound piece of hot, steaming monkey shit named Harry! Hardcore Harold, the first X*Crown champ upon the XHF’s revival… what a disgrace to that belt you were! You lost to a fucking pig! And that pig held the strap for a good, long while! And what did you do? You sat on your arse at home, a fuckin’ fool of yourself, probably calling Mongo a fatass because that’s all I’ve seen you do since you came back. Fatass this, Mongo that, do you even have another page to your character? Gosh, i thought Raiden was a snore, but you just might take the cake! And that’s not a good thing, because the only cake you’ll be given is the lie of you winning! The cake is a lie, Harold! You’ve absolutely no chance to win and I’ll bet my bottom dollar you’re the first one out of this circus orgy!

Anomoly lifts up the bottom of his mask, spitting on the ground. It was as worthless as the final opponent in this match…

Anomoly: ...Jack Diamond! I thought there’d be some big name fella in this match, but no. It’s the guy who lost to a vegetable! To Mr. Potato head! Jack, all week I’ve heard you brag and go on about being a legend killer, because you retired Rob, comatosed Storm, and punctured Felix’s lung. Psh. I was breaking people when I first walked into this company! I punched Goldbear II in the face my second match, I sent Crow into early retirement, only for him to come back so I could do it again! And Lethe… sweet, over sexualized, “I have boobs so I’m a winner” Lethe. You know what i did to her> Broke her neck, snapped her streak, made sure she’d never step foot in a ring aain. She vied to come back and try to reclaim her title, but let’s be real. The FWA World title was just as useless as your X*Crown reign. Some say your jack of all trades, but you’re nothing more than a jack off to me. You’re a worthless toerag who’s only relevant because you work for the bottom of the barrel of federations. If you worked for AXW, you’d get proper fights, but you wanted the easy route, the leisurely “Oh, I’ve an ache in where my balls usually are Fezzik, I’m taking the night off” kinda job. I fight tooth and nail just to get to where I am in this company, and I’ll be damned if I let some faux Native American take me down from my rightful throne in the XHF! Oh yeah, is there a general thing to Native Americans, where you all just assume you’re the best people around? In reality, you’re all a bunch of drunken scumbags who demand everything be handed to you because you’re Native? Perhaps I ought to nickname myself the TRUE Native, and take back what’s mine from you bastard whites!

Anomoly stumbles around, pretending to be drunk, and then laughs and shakes his fist at the camera.and stands upright, a fire of passion burning inside him.

Anomoly: Well, that’s all seven of you. I bid you all farewell, because in a few days time, you’re going to be looking at the new XHF X*Crown Champion, the Hand of God, Anomoly! Because with od as my witness, and the power that is within me, I will cut down each and every one of you bastardized sons and daughters of bitches, skin you, and hang your carcasses from the HF office building for the world to see.

Anomoly turns away from the camera, walking away. He pauses momentarily, before untying his mask and removing it, dropping it on the ground. As the fallen mask hits the ground, color extends out and begins to paint the entire picture beautiful shades of color, the warm summertime essences overtaking your senses.

Fade to black.

..:: END SCENE ::..