Champoon Wrasslin' PPV: Jefe Wars: A New Hope 01/12/18
Dec 1, 2018 19:19:46 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steele, and 1 more like this
Post by The King on Dec 1, 2018 19:19:46 GMT -5
We open to the Death Star - now named the Jefe Star. In the throne room sits Jefe, upon his throne, obviously. Either side of him in matching Imperial Guard uniforms, WAH Machine.
Emperor Jefe: whare is moi aprentice dart vaider?
WAH Machine look between each other, their subtle looks soon turn into a full blown argument as neither can decide on who wants to play Darth Vader. Eventually, Jefe shouts for them to be quiet, in which they do. He rises from his seat and looks out of the Jefe Star's window.
Emperor Jefe: fine, tis movee donnt not ned a dart vaider... shite. instard u too can be moi dart vaider, suond goud?
The Imperial WAH's nod their head.
Imperial Wario: WAH!
Imperial Waluigi: WAH!
The Star Wars Tatooine music plays in the background as the twin suns set on the horizon. Walking across the sand we see two familiar faces... None other than the recently burned, Robert the gay cowboy robot (dressed as C3PO) and the recently murdered, Harry Nutter (dressed as R2-D2).
C3PrObert: W3LL IT L00KS LIK3 W3RE L05T!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Where's my savior, Old Ben Drag? *beep boop*
C3PrObert: I5NT THAT TH3 GUY WH0 BURNT ME AL1VE AND N3ARLY K1LLED Y0U?
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* He didn't kill me, he saved me! Now we must find him so I can thank him! *beep boop*
They continue to walk through the sand dunes when they bump into a Tatooine farm.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Maybe Old Ben Drag is in there! *beep boop*
C3PrObert: F1NE, L3TS CH3CK 1T 0UT!
We see Rebel soldiers with their guns poised at a door, ready to fire.
Rebel #1: He'll be here any minute now!
Rebel #2: SIR YES SIR!
They continue to point their guns at the door, waiting for the sparks to fly and for a certain villain to step out.
Rebel #1: Anyyyyyy minute....
Rebel #2: I'M READY SIR!
Still no sparks and villain, the Rebels start to take their eyes off of the door and towards each other, visibly confused - is he playing the suspense tactic?
Rebel #1: Don't be put off by his tactics!
Rebel #2: YES SIR! NOT PUT OFF SIR!
Still they wait.
Rebel #1: *under his breath* Come on Vader ya bastard...
Rebel #2: ...
And wait some more...
Rebel #2: H- he's not coming, is he sir?
Rebel #1: I- I don't think so son.
All the rebels collectively groan as they get back up from off of their positions and look around at each other, not sure what to do. They've never got this far before.
Rebel #1: *disappointed* Someone tell Princess Leia that he hasn't come for the Jefe Star plans... *sigh*
Rebel #2: *sobbing* s- s- sir yes sir...
We see C3PrObert and R2-PEDO enter the Tatooine farm, there, lying on the floor is a passed out Dylan Viper.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Is that the Lickass Champion, Dylan Viper? *beep boop*
C3PrObert: WHAT5 H3 D01NG LY1NG 0N TH3 FL00R?
C3PrObert walks on up to him and taps him on his head, waking him up. Dylan immediately pops up to his feet, fists pulled up, ready to fight -except, instead of fists, a lightsaber. It's then that we realize he's dressed up as Luke Skywalker.
Dylan Viper: NO! I will not be Skywalker! That's a stupid id- Wait what the fuck? Where am I?
Dylan Viper looks down at himself and notices he's dressed from head to toe in Luke Skywalker garb.
Dylan Viper: FUCKING JEFE!
The two 'robot's look at each other, confused.
C3PrObert: WH5T HAPP3N3D DYL5N V1P3R?
R2-PEDO: *beep boop*
Dylan drops the lightsaber and puts his head between his hands.
Dylan Viper: Jefe's made me Luke Skywalker... I- I can't believe it...
Dylan sits down on a chair and just rubs his eyes, unable to believe what's happening to him.
Dylan Skywalker: I told him that I wasn't going to participate in this fucking horrendous idea - seriously, a wrestling event presented as a star wars movie?! Just when I thought being the Lickass Champion was bad! Low and behold he makes the protagonist! Fucking twat.
Suddenly, an iPhone message notification pops up in Harry Nutter's robot body. Dylan and C3PrObert look at him inquiringly.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Looks like I've just been sent a message by Princess Leia *beep boop*
Dylan Skywalker: Who's playing Princess Leia?
R2-PEDO projects the smartphone video from his robot genitals.
Dylan Skywalker: You have to be kidding me...
Dylan closes his eyes, on the verge of just ending it all.
C3PrObert: W3LL 1T L00K5 A5 TH0UGH WE MUST S4VE PR1NC355 J3FF3RY FR0M 1NT3RNAL B0RED0M!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Good idea, maybe Old Ben Drag could help us *beep boop*
Dylan opens them at the mentioning of Old Ben Drag's name.
Dylan Skywalker: You mean Big Drag? That golden god thing that burnt down Jefe's warehouse and is basically unbeatable? You know what, that's not a bad idea... Maybe, just maybe, he can save me from this fucking nightmare.
All three look at each other.
C3PrObert: S0 SH4LL W3 F1ND H1M?
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* I think we shall! *beep boop*
Dylan sighs.
Dylan Skywalker: Fuck it... But only so he can help me get out of here...
We are back in the throne room with Emperor Jefe and his Imperial Guards, WAH Machine. Wario waddles up the steps as fast as he can, reaching Jefe's throne.
Imperial Wario: I HAVE SOME NEWS M'LORD!
Emperor Jefe looks at him, one eyebrow raised.
Emperor Jefe: yas?
Wario catches his breath as Waluigi storms his way up the steps aswell.
Imperial Waluigi: NO! I HAVE THE NEWS M'LORD!
Wario and Waluigi both begin to argue as to who should tell him the news. Emperor Jefe starts to get fed up and slams his foot on the throne room floor, causing them both to shut up.
Emperor Jefe: shut thee fack up and tel jefe tha fackin noows!
Wario & Waluigi: BASICAL- LL-Y I-ITS T-I-IME TO P-I-I-CK YOUR X- X- CRO- WN RE-PRASEN-TATIV-E!
Wario and Waluigi both stop shouting over one another and give each other the side eye respectively. Jefe starts to stroke his chin thinking about who his X*Crown representative should be...
Emperor Jefe: Hmmmm...
Wario and Waluigi, seeing their boss stroke his chin, decide to join in.
Wario & Waluigi: Hmmmmm...
Jefe shoots his finger into the air, having decided!
Emperor Jefe: Jefe pik jefe to foight for ze ex cown!
WAH Machine cheer loudly at their bosses' choice! Hoorah! Both rush out of the throne room to tell the XHF Network officials the good news!
We see Dylan, C3PrObert and R2-PEDO riding in a speeder to find Old Ben Drag. Suddenly, the Speeder is shot down by some Tusken Raiders.
Dylan Skywalker: What... the... fuck...
Dylan jumps out of the broken vehicle and inspects the bullet wound on the engine - totally forgetting that it was just shot.
C3PrObert: W4TCH 0UT!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* behind you Dylan! *beep boop*
Dylan turns around and is clocked in the head by a wild tusken raider! The bell rings...from somewhere!
DING! DING! DING!
TUSKEN RAIDER VS DYLAN SKYWALKER!
Dylan fights back against the wild creature and a slug-fest ensues! He kicks him in the gut and Irish whips him into the speeder, following it up with a massive big boot, the Tusken Raider sent flying into the passenger seat!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* What a maneuver! *beep boop*
C3PrObert: TH3R3S N0 C0M1NG BACK FR0M TH4T!
The tusken raider slowly gets back to his feet as Dylan suicide dives straight into the speeder and tackles the creature to the ground of the vehicle! The droids cheer loudly, a few tuskan raiders see the fight and watch from the sides, cheering aswell! Dylan lifts the tuskan raider back to his feet and sits him in the drivers seat, chopping him silly.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* WOOOO! *beep boop*
C3PrObert: DYL4N SKYW4LKER 1S STYL1N 4ND PR0F1LIN!
He then lifts him from off of the seat and scoop slams his down onto the sandy dunes outside the vehicle!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* ouch! *beep boop*
C3PrObert: AR3 W3 L00KIN AT TH3 3ND H3RE?!
Dylan stands on the door of the speeder, wobbling, trying his best to keep balance. The tusken raiders "oooooooh" as he prepares himself for a splash onto the downed tusken raider, all the way from within the speeder and to the outside!
BLUNT FORCE TRAUMA!
DOUBLE FOOT STOMP ONTO THE OUTSIDE!
IT CONNECTS! Dylan covers as a referee runs in out of nowhere and counts the pinfall...
ONE! TWO! THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Dylan gets back to his feet and all the tusken raiders run away out of fear. The referee runs away aswell, Dylan remains standing over the knocked out tusken raider. He looks between the two droids and thinks to himself, 'I've always wondered what a tusken raider actually looks like'.
He reaches down and pulls the mask clean off.
Dylan Skywalker: Randy Angel?
Randy shakes his head and almost looks dejected. Disappointed at the fact he's been exposed.
Randy Angel: I- I know right... Jefe made me all the 'extra characters'... I should be Han Solo or something! Fuck's sake... I- I'm the Shooting Star Champion man!
Randy just gets back up and storms out of the scene. Poor guy.
Suddenly, as Randy walks away he is super-kicked straight in the face. He drops to the sands as a man cloaked by a robe stands over him, the man walking over to Dylan and the droids.
He pulls down his hood to reveal...
Jefe is sitting on his throne, admiring the world title belt on his lap. He licks a finger and wipes a smudge, making it even more dirtier, but that doesn't stop Jefe... Nothing does.
Jefe: okaiy i board, let sturt warr on teh galaxie
WAH Machine both turn to each other, their eyes wide. War? Out of boredom? PERFECT.
Imperial Waluigi: Great decision m'lord!
Imperial Wario: A WAHnderful one if you were teh ask me!
Jefe stands up from his throne and looks back out of the window. He smiles at the planets and the stars around him.
Jefe: arnt thay prettie
Wario barges past Waluigi and stands next to his lordship, staring out of the window aswell.
Imperial Wario: J- just like you Jefe...
Jefe turns to Wario and catches his eyes, he blushes, Wario's cheeks become red.
Jefe: wow fank u it meen a lot
Jefe brushes his hair and fans his face, blushing some more. Wario chuckles to himself, all girly.
Imperial Wario: I- I don't like sand.
Wario smiles, quoting the prequels, expecting Jefe to get the reference... but he doesn't. Jefe looks sad.
Jefe: jefe nat lik two sea u sard... jefe hepl u... jefe bloow op sarnd planit two mak u feerl bettar
Wario's eyes widen, the rest of the roster are currently on Tatooine! If Jefe blows the planet up, who else will Jefe and WAH Machine have job to them? But Wario can't tell his boss not too, the gesture is so nice it touches his heart strings - he can't make Jefe feel useless. He gulps, and nods his head. Suddenly, Waluigi breaks the tension, he gives Wario the side eye, up to something.
Imperial Waluigi: I'll tell the, uh, Imperial officers to ready the cannon... I- in the meantime why don't you go and have a nice bath Emperor Jefe? It might cure your boredom.
Jefe nods his head.
Jefe: gord ideea waluaga, jefe harve a barth noow
Jefe leaves the throne room to have a bath, as soon as he is gone and the door slams shut Waluigi turns to Wario and smacks him around the head.
Imperial Waluigi: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THAT FOR?! The roster is on Tatooine at the moment! I'll give you some time but you need to head down to the sand planet and warn them to get off!
Wario slaps Waluigi back.
Imperial Wario: I DIDN'T THINK HE'D TAKE IT LITERALLY!
Waluigi responds with another slap.
Imperial Waluigi: IT'S JEFE OF COURSE HE WOULD TAKE IT LITERALLY!
Wario slaps again.
Imperial Wario: WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT HE'S A TOTAL IMBECILE! A FUCKING JACKA-
Jefe walks back into the throne room, completely naked from head to toe. He stops and stares at both of his Imperial Guards. He's fuming...
Jefe: wehere thee fack is moi soap!
Jefe storms around the throne room, his flaccid dick flopping against his thigh, looking for his soap. He finds it.
Jefe: foond it!
Jefe then exits the throne room.
Wario turns back to Waluigi and wipes the sweat from off of his forehead, thinking that they may have just been caught talking behind Jefe's back. Waluigi whispers.
Imperial Waluigi: ...I'll give you a few hours...
Wario whispers back.
Imperial Wario: ...only a few hours?...
Waluigi turns and gives Wario a mean look, he nods his head slowly...
Imperial Waluigi: ...yes... a few hours... now clean up this mess...
We are back on Tatooine with Dylan Skywalker, R2-PEDO and C3PrObert - and also the hooded man.
Speaking of which, the hooded man pulls his hood down to reveal he is...
OLD BEN DRAG!
Dylan rushes over to Big Drag and rubs his eyes, not believing the sheer size of gold - in fact, not believing anything he sees in front of him.
Dylan Skywalker: Wh- Ho- You know what, I'm not even gonna question it... Please just help me get the fuck out of this nightmare...
Old Ben Drag smiles at Dylan Skywalker.
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE! WHY LEAVE NOW?! WHEN YOU HAVE A GALAXY TO SAVE!
Dylan looks at Drag, eyes wide. This wasn't the response he was expecting to get. He shakes his head.
Dylan Skywalker: No I don't think you understand, you're meant to be super serious, this isn't serious at all! This is bat-shit insane! You need to get us both out of here! Come on Drag, it's me? Dylan?
OLD BEN DRAG: I ONCE KNEW YOUR FATHER, MR. SKYWALKER! A TREMENDOUS JEDI WARRIOR I MUST ADD! IT'S A SHAME I HAD TO CHOP HIM FROM LIMB TO LIMB AS TO ENSURE HE DIDN'T FALL TO THE DARKSIDE WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT HE DID TURN TO THE DARKSIDE AND BECAME THE EMPERORS APPRENTICE SPEAKING OF VADER WHERE THE HELL DID HE GO BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED IT WAS ONLY THE EMPEROR JEFE AND HIS TWO IMPERIAL GUARDS RUNNING THE EMPIRE AND DARTH VADER DIDN'T EXIST SO NOW IM REALLY CURIOUS AS TO WHERE HE GOT TO MAYBE HE JUST VANISHED WHO KNOWS.
Dylan slams his head into his hands. He feels like crying. Why the fuck is he even here?
Dylan Skywalker: Pl- please just get me the fuck outta here... I beg of you Drag... Ju- just transport me back into reality...
OLD BEN DRAG: NO! YOU KNOW WHAT MR. SKYWALKER, I'M NOT IMPRESSED! BY THIS POINT YOU WERE HAVE MEANT TO TELL ME THAT PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA HAS SENT YOU A MESSAGE TELLING YOU TO FIND ME AND SAVE HER FROM BOREDOM! BUT INSTEAD YOU ARE WHINING LIKE A LIL' BITCH! SO MAN THE FUCK UP AND GET SERIOUS OR I'LL JEDI MIND TRICK YOU!
Dylan Skywalker: Oh please, if it makes me forget what's going on then by all means, do it...
Old Ben Drag nods his head slowly. Then waves his hand across his face.
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU WILL SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FOLLOW ME!
Dylan nods his head, under Old Ben Drag's Jedi mind trick. He starts to follow Old Ben Drag as they start to walk.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* It's good to see you again sir! *beep boop*
OLD BEN DRAG: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FOLLOW ME DROID! NOW, WHERE'S THE NEAREST BAR... I NEED A DRINK...
All four of them head into the Mos Eisley cantina, Old Ben Drag leading the way.
OLD BEN DRAG: I WANT A TABLE IN THE SHADY CORNER BIT OF THE CANTINA!
Old Ben Drag heads to the shady corner of the cantina, Dylan Skywalker, R2-PEDO and C3PrObert following on from behind. Suddenly, Old Ben Drag bumps into a man and his monster, thing...
It's Randy Angel again, once more playing an 'extra' in this 'movie'...
Randy Angel: Watch where you're goin- OH SHIT IT'S YOU AGAIN! Pl- please don't hurt me!
OLD BEN DRAG: GIMME ALL YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN DEATHSTICKS!
Randy angel lifts his hands up in the air, fearing for his life.
Randy Angel: I- I DON'T HAVE ANY!
Old Ben Drag picks him up by the collar and throws him straight out of the cantina window.
C3PrObert: W4S TH3RE R3ALLY A N33D F0R TH4T S1R?
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME DEATHSTICKS?!
C3PrObert runs behind R2-PEDO and hides from his abusive master. Old Ben Drag searches around the cantina, looking for someone who might have some deathsticks... Then he spots two people at the back snorting them. He immediately rushes over to them.
OLD BEN DRAG: HOW MUCH FOR A DEATHSTICK?!
The two people stop and shriek as the light finally shows them, revealing them to be...
Jacob Solo: OH LORD PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYONE!
Mongobacca: *rawr*
Old Ben Drag shakes his head, unable to believe what he's seeing...
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU TWO? THE JEW GUYS? TAKING DEATHSTICKS? WHAT IN THE GOLD HELL!
Jacob pleads with Old Ben Drag to keep his voice down, but he doesn't. Old Ben Drag motions for the deathsticks and they hand him the rest, out of fear probably.
Jacob Solo: W- we just couldn't stop ourselves, as s- soon we took one we became addicted... th- they taste so good!
Mongobacca: *sad rawr*
Old Ben Drag is about to leave them alone when...
BURSTING THROUGH THE CANTINA DOORS COMES THE DREADED JEFETROOPERS!
Jefetroopers: *pew pew pew*
Old Ben Drag pulls out his lightsaber and starts reflecting the lasers! Jacob Solo gets out of his chair, high on deathsticks, and shoots back at the Jefetroopers - Mongobacca joining in.
OLD BEN DRAG: OH SHIT I FORGOT WHAT I'M MEANT TO BE DOING, IM MEANT TO BE SAVING PRINCESS JEFFERY FROM INTERNAL BOREDOM! THANK FUCK THESE JEFETROOPERS ARRIVED JUST IN TIME TO REMIND ME!
He runs up to them and slaughters them from limb to limb with his golden lightsaber. They all drop to the floor, disembodied and distorted.
But more arrive.
Old Ben Drag has no other option but to take the Jedi Mind Trick spell back off of Dylan so he can help in the fight. So he waves his hand at Dylan's face and passes him a lightsaber.
Dylan Skywalker: Please tell me it's ov- OH SHIT!
A Jefetrooper fires at him but with quick reflexes he somehow manages to reflect the laser back at the trooper, killing him in a flash.
OLD BEN DRAG: NO TIME TO WHINE YA LIL BITCH! FIGHT BACK AGAINST THESE JEFETROOPERS!
Old Ben Drag continues to slice Jefetroopers down with his lightsaber, and Dylan, watching on from the sidelines, decides to join in - copying Old Ben Drag. Jacob Solo and Mongobacca continue to shoot Jefetroopers down from the back of the cantina but no matter how many forces are killing them, they just never end...
Suddenly, like a flash of lightning, Wario comes bombarding into the cantina.
Imperial Wario: OKAY! OKAY! ENOUGH FIGHTING! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! YOU GUYS NEED TO COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
All the commotion stops as everyone falls silent and stares at the Imperial Wario. He puts his hands up, trying to prove he's no threat. Old Ben Drag walks towards him.
OLD BEN DRAG: I KNOW YOUR KIND LIKE THE BACK OF MY HAND! THIS IS A TRAP! IF WE GO WITH YOU WE'LL END UP IN AN IMPERIAL PRISON! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM BOIS, CARRY ON KILLING!
The chaos ensues as Jacob, Mongobacca, Drag and Dylan continue to wage war with the Jefetroopers. Wario shakes his head, this isn't a trap... he's genuinely trying to save them!
Imperial Wario: FINE! I GUESS WE'LL TAKE YOU BY FORCE!
Wario calls in the back-up and flying through the door of the cantina and into the battle scene is none other than...
X-BOBA!
He fires into the crowd and everyone scarpers! Jacob Solo shouts at Old Ben Drag and Dylan Skywalker...
Jacob Solo: I KNOW AN EXIT ROUND THE BACK!
They all rush to the back of the cantina and exit through a secret door. But when they reach the outside they find out that a war has ensued between the Tatooine rebels and the Jefetroopers outside aswell. People fire back and forth, Wilhelm screaming as loud as they can. Jacob Solo helps to gun some Jefetroopers down as to lead the way.
OLD BEN DRAG: WE NEED TO LEAVE THE PLANET AND FIND PRINCESS JEFFERY!
Dylan Skywalker: NO! I will not go and see Princess Jeffery... no... hell no! I'd rather die here!
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! THERE IS NO OTHER WAY! ACTUALLY WAIT, YES THERE IS!
Dylan's face lights up in the midst of battle.
Dylan Skywalker: What is it?! I need to know! Whatever it is it cannot be as bad as 'Princess Jeffery'!
Everything becomes slow-mo as Old Ben Drag places his hand on Dylan's shoulder, and subtly smiles.
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU MUST FIND MASTER YODA AND FINISH YOUR JEDI TRAINING!
Dylan thinks for a second or two...
Dylan Skywalker: O- o- okay! As long as Yoda isn't Jeffery Viper then all is good with me! what the fuck is going on...
Jacob Solo spots his ship, the Millennium Starr and points in it's general direction.
Jacob Solo: My fellow Jews, the ship is that way!
Mongobacca: *rawr*
Jacob Solo, Mongobacca, and the two droids all rush off towards the ship, Old Ben Drag stays with Dylan for a short while. He gets quite emotional.
OLD BEN DRAG: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
And with that Drag rushes off to join the others, leaving Dylan stranded on the planet, with no ship nor any credits to buy one. Shit, they should have really thought this through...
Oh fuck, they didn't tell him where he would find Yoda either...
We are back in the throne room and Jefe has finished his bath.
Jefe: wehere r mai imperal goords?
Suddenly, bursting through the door at the call of his name, is Waluigi. He's out of breath.
Imperial Waluigi: HERE M'LORD!
Jefe looks Waluigi up and down, fearing that he may be up to something.
Jefe: wehere at ur broithar mwario at? hm?
Waluigi freezes, not sure on how to respond. He mumbles and stutters, not being able to form a sentence of English. Then he gets the perfect excuse.
Imperial Waluigi: HE DEAD!
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. That didn't come out like he had expected. Shit. Wario isn't dead. He's on Tatooine saving the rebels!
Jefe: wat?! oh no horw sard
Jefe begins to tear up at the revelation that his favorite WAH Machine brother has just died.
Jefe: Arh wel, u wil do...
Jefe stands up from his throne and shakes Waluigi's hand. Waluigi has backed himself into a corner. He must either let Jefe soon find out the truth that he lied to him, or kill his own brother. Waluigi, in haste, decides the best thing to do is kill his own brother - as to keep his story safe.
Imperial Waluigi: So... uh, does that mean I get to play Vader now?
Jefe shakes his head.
Jefe: no. i alrady got a vader...
Waluigi is con-fuddled...
Imperial Waluigi: Who...?
We see the Millennium Starr park up inside Princess Jeffery's ship. Old Ben Drag and co step out of the it and take a walk around the port.
OLD BEN DRAG: WE MADE IT! NOW TO RESCUE PRINCESS JEFFERY ORGASMA FROM INTERNAL BOREDOM!
Suddenly, as Old Ben Drag says those words... thousands upon thousands of jefetroopers come bombarding out of different places, surrounding the group, pointing their guns at the heroes.
Jacob Solo: I have a bad feeling about this...
Mongobacca: *rawr*
C3PrObert: AR3 Y0U SURE W3 AR3 1N TH3 R1GHT PL4C3?
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* uh oh *beep boop*
Old Ben Drag goes to pull out his lightsaber but it is forced out of his hand and all the way across the room - right into the hands of...
PRINCESS JEFFERY!
OLD BEN DRAG: *GASP*
Jacob Solo: I- w- we really should have seen it coming...
Princess Jeffery: Hey boys...
We see Dylan, having just safely landed on Dagobah (thanks to a fancy thing called plot-development). He searches around the swamp until he sees a small hut. He heads towards it and knocks on the door of the hut, this must be where master Yoda lives.
Dylan Skywalker: Hello?
The door slowly opens.
Yoda Nukebuster: Mmm... Thtep inthide, you mutht...
Learn the wayth of the forthe, you will...
We cut open to Waluigi whispering to himself under his breath. Visibly pissed off
Imperial Waluigi: he chose jeffery viper to be his vader instead of me? what the fuck? Oh, hey your lordship!
Waluigi bows as Emperor Jefe makes his way back to his throne and sits down on it, a bowl of popcorn in his hand.
Imperial Waluigi: So boss, I think it's about time that we blew up Tatooine in, uh, remembrance of my dear brother, Wario. Good idea huh? Let's do it yeah? Blow it up ya know? Kill everyone on it hm?
Jefe shoves some popcorn into his mouth.
Jefe: y u tink i brin popcarn? blow up ze planet bay bay!
Imperial Waluigi salutes, he rushes over to the shiny big red button near the window, ready to press it. Then stops. Thinks for a few seconds. Does he really want to do this? Does he really wanna kill his brother all in the name-sake of licking ass? Of course he fucking does!
Imperial Waluigi: goodbye... brother... mwahahahaha!
He smacks the shiny big red button as hard as he can - the Jefe Star shakes and rumbles. Readying up to blow Tatooine to pieces.
Jefe: i love pod racin
Okay so like pretend Yoda Nukebuster just trained Dylan Skywalker in the ways of the force, it's come to the point of the show where I cannot be arsed to write any lengthy stuff.
Yoda Nukebuster: Thave your friendth from Printhethh Jeffery, you mutht...
Dylan sighs.
Dylan Skywalker: Fine.
Princess Jeffery: Mwahahahaha! I HAD YOU ALL FOOLED!
We see Old Ben Drag and company locked up in chains on the Jefe Star - somehow being transported their in a deleted scene.
OLD BEN DRAG: I WILL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS MOTHERFUCKER!
Jacob Solo: Oh lord Jesus please save us.
C3PrObert: 1 WANT 2 DI3!
Mongobacca: *angry rawr*
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* IF YOU WANNA FUCK I'LL FORGIVE YA! *beep boop*
Princess Jeffery strolls around the site, lightsaber in hand. Sh- he points it at them as he walks past, daring them to step forward and feel the mighty power of his blade.
Princess Jeffery: There is none can save you now...
Suddenly, as though it was planned... Dylan Skywalker bursts through the door.
Dylan Skywalker: THERE IS ONE!
DING! DING! DING!
IMPROMPTU LIGHTSABER BATTLE!
Dylan rushes at Jeffery with his green lightsaber and swings, connecting with the Princess' blue blade. They strike back and forth as the band of heroes cheer Dylan on.
Princess Jeffery: Wait! Why are we fighting?! WE HAVE A TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH IN JANUARY!
Dylan Skywalker: Because you decided to be the bad guy!
Princess Jeffery: Wel- I- uh- I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU'D BE THE PROTAGONIST!
Dylan slashes hard, missing Jeffery by an inch of his pubic hair.
Dylan Skywalker: I DIDN'T REALIZE I'D BE THE PROTAGONIST EITHER! BUT HERE WE ARE!
Princess Jeffery: Look, we need to stop this before one of us gets hurt!
As Jeffery says this he jabs his lightsaber in Dylan's general direction. Dylan just manages to doge.
Dylan Skywalker: WOAH! Don't tell me to stop and then go for the kill! Who do you take me for? A FOOL?!
Princess Jeffery: Actually, yes!
Jeffery swings again but this time Dylan reverses it into a swing of his own, chopping a line of chest hair clean off of the princess' body.
Dylan Skywalker: TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
Princess Jeffery: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!
WAIT!
I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE!
Dylan stops the swings and continues to point his lightsaber at Jeffery's chest - making sure he's not up to any shady business.
Dylan Skywalker: What is it now?
Jeffery coughs before swallowing hard and looking Dylan Skywalker deep within the eyes.
Princess Jeffery: I... AM... YOUR... FATHER!
Dylan nods his head, rather slowly.
Dylan Skywalker: ...yeah I knew that already...
Jeffery sighs.
Princess Jeffery: I- I know. I- I just have wanted to say it for ages now. Like, this is Star Wars right? What would it be without me revealing I am your father?
Dylan is confused.
Dylan Skywalker: Still... Star Wars? Vader didn't reveal that he was Luke's father until the second movie... As far as I'm concerned... This is still the first? I think?
Jeffery swings and clashes once more with Dylan's blade.
Princess Jeffery: Oh Shut up you fucking nerd!
Jefe watches Tatooine blow up in the distance, he lets out a triumphant cheer.
Jefe: woo
Waluigi heads on up to him and bows.
Imperial Waluigi: The deed has been done your majesty, it is now time for my singles run in Champoon Wrasslin'...
Out of nowhere, Wario bursts through the doors...
Imperial Wario: OR IS IT?! WAH!
Dylan and Jeffery continue to battle it out, strike after strike. Both men being as good, actually no, both men being as bad as one another.
Dylan Skywalker: Just give in and let me win, dad! Let everyone go home safely and this whole nightmare can end!
Princess Jeffery: I'm not a loser Dylan! I don't loose to dirty lil virgins like you!
Dylan Skywalker: I- I'm not a virgin dad! I've fucked more girls than you have in your entire life!
Princess Jeffery: OHHHH YEAHHHH, I'M SURE YOU HAVE! Lemme guess, one of them was my mother? Oh damn Dylan, sick burn there!
Dylan Skywalker: What? No. Why would I say that? She's my fucking grandmother!
Princess Jeffery: OH EVEN WORSE DYLAN! HOW COULD YOU?!
Dylan Skywalker: HOW COULD I WHAT?! I DIDN'T EVEN SAY THAT! YOU DID!
Princess Jeffery: YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING, CERTAINLY NO SON OF MINE!
Dylan Skywalker: YOU YOURSELF JUST SAID I WAS YOUR SON!
Dylan swings really hard and knocks Princess Jeffery down onto his knees.
Princess Jeffery: WAIT! DON'T KILL ME PLEASE! JOIN ME INSTEAD! JOIN THE DARKSIDE... WE HAVE COOKIES!
Dylan sighs.
Dylan Skywalker: That's like an old grannies facebook joke, dad... that's not even funny anymore!
Princess Jeffery: WELL I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, OKAY?
Imperial Waluigi: Brother Wario?! You're still alive?! HOW?!
Wario walks on up to the throne and smiles at his lordship.
Jefe: ur broither tell jefe taht u deard? y u aloive?
Wario glares at Waluigi.
Imperial Wario: Oh he did, did he?!
Waluigi puts his head down in shame, Wario continues to glare at his younger brother.
Imperial Wario: Did he also tell you that he tried to kill me by blowing up Tatooine?!
Jefe gasps.
Jefe: wat? y wer u on tatonei?
Imperial Wario: Because he told me to go there!
Imperial Waluigi: I DID NOT!
Both brothers begin to fight until Jefe slams his foot upon the floor.
Jefe: enoof!
Jeffery is still on his knees. Dylan pulls his lightsaber back, ready to swing. But then stops, drops his lightsaber and stares at his dad, who has seemingly pissed his pants.
Dylan Skywalker: Fuck's sake dad...
Dylan just walks on over to Old Ben Drag and company, he releases them from their shackles.
OLD BEN DRAG: THANKS MR. SKYWALKER! I GUESS YOU'RE NOT THE WHINY OLD BITCH AFTER ALL!
Drag looks down at Princess Jeffery and shakes his head.
OLD BEN DRAG: NOW TO STOP THAT EVIL EMPEROR JEFE AND TAKE THE WORLD TITLE!
Old Ben Drag, C3PrObert, R2-PEDO, Jacob Solo and Mongobacca all leave the room in search of the evil Emperor Jefe. Dylan and Jeffery are left alone.
Princess Jeffery: Sorry for letting you down, son...
Dylan Skywalker: Yeah whatever... dad...
Wario and Waluigi continue to bicker as Jefe shouts for them to 'shat thee fack up'. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room blast open and all three villains turn to see who has intruded.
Surprisingly, it's not Old Ben Drag and co...
It's the Rebellion!
More importantly, Daruun Michael and the CW World Tag Team Champions... The Farmyard!
Daruun Michael: Forgettin' about us, my lubber'?
Daruun points at Jefe's word title! WAH Machine point at the Farmyard's tag titles! A WAR IS ABOUT TO START!
But only in the next movie!
TO... BE... CONTINUED...!