Champoon Wrasslin’ PPV: Jefe Wars: Empire Strikes 14/12/18
Dec 13, 2018 19:20:57 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 2 more like this
Post by The King on Dec 13, 2018 19:20:57 GMT -5
...PREVIOUSLY ON JEFE WARS...
Wario and Waluigi continue to bicker as Jefe shouts for them to 'shat thee fack up'. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room blast open and all three villains turn to see who has intruded.
Surprisingly, it's not Old Ben Drag and co...
It's the Rebellion!
More importantly, Daruun Michael and the CW World Tag Team Champions... The Farmyard!
Daruun Michael: Forgettin' about us, my lubber'?
Daruun points at Jefe's word title! WAH Machine point at the Farmyard's tag titles! A WAR IS ABOUT TO START!
...AND IT STARTS NOW...
The Rebellion charge into the throne room as the bell rings from out of nowhere!
DING! DING! DING!
WORLD AND TAG TITLES ON THE LINE!
Jefe jumps from his seat and shoves WAH Machine forward, ordering them to fight their foes first. Wario and Waluigi charge into battle and pull out their sabers (because why wouldn't they have sabers?). The Rebellion, with rakes and other farm tools, manage to deflect the lightsaber shots (not sure how wood can deflect light but go with it.) Jefe watches on from the top as Wario battles Ambrosia Al and Waluigi battles Cornish Colin. Then, walking all badass towards the stairs, comes the leader of the Rebellion, Daruun Michael.
Daruun Michael: You have ignored my presence for far too long my lubber'... You, you are scared of me... You knew that as soon as I got a match for that there title you'd lose it in an instance... You've been hiding from me and my lubbers' for quite a while now... and while the cat and mouse chase was fun to begin with... it's time I shoved a fuckin' carrot up your arse!
Daruun pulls out a carrot the size of a sword, it makes the lightsaber "vwoom" sounds when he waves it - it glows bright orange aswell.
Jefe: i nort scaired off u ... u shurd bee scaired off mi ... for jefe is de breast ...
and i jefe
Jefe pulls out his massive red lightsaber, it's twice the size of a normal one - the expensive kind of toy you'd find on some geeky star wars website. He waves it around before walking down a step. Then stopping.
Jefe: i harve de hoigh groond
Daruun yells at the top of his lungs before charging up the stairs and swinging his carrot at Jefe's blade! They connect! and the force in which the carrot hit sends Jefe flying to the ground. Daruun points the blade at Jefe's head. Jefe pleads with him to let Jefe go - he's 'sorry', apparently. But Daruun is having none of it, this is his one chance at ending the evil tyranny of Jefe and becoming the World Heavyweight Champion.
He pulls the carrot back behind his head...
...AND SWINGS!
NO! JEFE ZAPS DARUUN WITH BOLTS OF LIGHTNING!
Daruun is stopped mid-swing by the force of Jefe's lightning! He collapses to his knees as Jefe continues to zap him, screaming...
Jefe: unlimarted poower
Meanwhile, WAH Machine have over-powered the rookie team of the Farmyard - after all, they shouldn't have even won the tag team titles in the first place - they were meant to be enhancement talent! Wario and Waluigi have forced them to the ground, their blades drawn back, ready for the kill.
WAH Machine: WAH!
THEY SWING!
And this time... They connect...
They behead Ambrosia Al and Cornish Colin with one clean sweep, their heads rolling onto the throne room floor. Daruun, still being tazed, hears them die... Tears bellow from his eyes...
Daruun Michael: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jefe finally stops his charade of lightning as Daruun drops to the floor, unable to move, body left paralyzed due to shock. WAH Machine head back over to their master, the Emperor Jefe, and pick Daruun up by the armpits - so Jefe can look him in the face one last time.
Jefe: rip
WAH Machine drop him back to the floor as Jefe picks his massive lightsaber back up and points it at Daruun's head.
Jefe: it sharme reely, i ursed too lik u... bak wen u wrassled for ze AWA... butt, now here wee r... u tryed too tak jefe title... so jefe take ur life...
rerst in pieces, daroon....
Jefe stabs the blade straight into Daruun's head.
Daruun Michaels, is dead.
The Farmyard... Are... No... More...
DING! DING! DING!
HERE ARE YOUR WINNERS BY TKO - JEFE MACHINE! THAT MEANS YOUR NEW CW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... WAH MACHINE!
Wario and Waluigi pick the Tag Team Championships up from off of the floor - right near the decapitated bodies of the Farmyard. They join their master back at the throne - then lift their world titles high in the air.
It is a dark day, in the world of Champoon Wrasslin'... And it only gets darker from here...
We see Dylan Skywalker and Princess Jeffery walking through the corridors of the Jefe Star - having just battled no less than 15 minutes ago. They are looking for the others, more importantly, Old Ben Drag and co.
Dylan Skywalker: If you didn't attack us maybe we wouldn't have lost them!
Princess Jeffery: Oh shut your mouth you little slut.
Dylan Skywalker: You literally called me a virgin no less than fifteen minutes ago!
Princess Jeffery: WELL YOU CAN BE BOTH, OKAY?
Dylan Skywalker: NO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
Princess Jeffery: WELL HOW COME YOU HAVE AIDS THEN, HM?
Dylan Skywalker: WHA- WHO- WHAT?!
They continue to search around the Jefe Star, avoiding Jefetroopers near every bend - somehow, they're getting away with it. Dylan notices a door with a fat sign above it that reads 'TRASH COMPACTOR'.
Dylan Skywalker: Welp, it looks like we've found Jefe's throne room.
Princess Jeffery: WOW DYLAN YOU ARE SO FUNNY! HA HA HA HA HA! SEE? I'M LAUGHING SO HARD!
Dylan Skywalker: ...fuck you.
They continue to search, looking for Old Ben Drag and Jefe's throne room.
Jefe: jefe celabarate bay dancirng
Emperor Jefe is sitting back on his throne, he starts to do some weird arm movements - it kinda looks like he's dancing, but then again it kinda looks like he's having a seizure. WAH Machine just watch from either side of the throne, admiring their brand new tag team titles.
Imperial Waluigi: I think we need to throw a party m'lord! Get some of those alien prostitutes to come along, so I can spunk on their face and let it drip down onto my brand new tag belt!
Jefe turns and looks at Waluigi, his face full of morbid shock. Then he smiles from cheek to cheek.
Jefe: that greight idear!
Wario steps forward and bows before Jefe.
Imperial Wario: I'll get on with organizing it now, your highness. Dibs the blue twi'lek dancer!
Waluigi runs up to Wario and slaps him.
Imperial Waluigi: NO! I dibbsed her first!
Wario slaps back.
Imperial Wario: DID NOT!
Waluigi slaps again.
Imperial Waluigi: FINE! I SHOTGUN THE BLUE TWI'LEK DANCER!
Wario gasps!
Imperial Wario: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Waluigi smirks to himself.
Imperial Waluigi: OH YEAH? SAYS WHO?
Wario freezes, not sure about how to respond. He stumbles and mumbles, not being able to string a sentence of English together. He screams...
Imperial Wario: WAH!
Waluigi screams back!
Imperial Waluigi: WAH!
Suddenly, the doors to the throne room swing open and a band of heroes burst through the door! It's Old Ben Drag, Jacob Solo, Mongobacca, C3PrObert and R2-PEDO! Old Ben Drag points at Jefe and roars at the top of his lungs.
OLD BEN DRAG: STOP THERE IN DESPAIR YOU WRETCHED CRIMINAL OVERLORD!
Jefe gasps and pulls out his lightsaber, ready for ANOTHER fight! WAH Machine join in, taking out their lightsabers aswell. Old Ben Drag starts to walk towards them, the rest of the heroes lay low behind, guns pointed at the enemy. After a short while, Drag lights up his golden lightsaber and points it towards Jefe and WAH Machine. Then, he looks down - lying on the floor are the beheaded bodies of the Farmyard. He shivers.
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU MAY HAVE JUST KILLED THESE POOR REBELS! BUT YOU HAVEN'T KILLED ME YET... AND I WAS MEANT TO DIE IN THE FIRST MOVIE! SHAME ON YOU JEFE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS!
Jefe looks on the verge of tears, just when he thought all was grand, having just slain the rebels - Old Ben Drag turns up with his Arthur1 Gang! He's outnumbered aswell! TODAY WILL BE THE DAY JEFE DIES!
OLD BEN DRAG: I SHOULD BE A FORCE GHOST BY NOW! YOU KNOW THAT?! I SHOULD BE... BUT I'M NOT! AND WHY'S THAT?! BECAUSE NOT ANY OF YOU BASTARDS CAN KILL ME! SO I'M OFFERING A SOLUTION TO ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS JEFE... A SOLUTION YOU WILL ENJOY VERY MUCH...
...I'M GOING TO LET YOU KILL ME....
Everyone gasps as Old Ben Drag throws his lightsaber to the ground and drops to his knees. Dylan Skywalker and Princess Jeffery burst through the doors, just in time - having just found the throne room. They managed to catch what Drag had been saying, as his voice is so loud and booming you can hear it from miles away. Dylan shouts towards him.
Dylan Skywalker: Don't let him kill you Drag! For fuck's sake! We need you! We need you to get us out of this nightmare! If you die now we'll be stuck in this realm forever - and in the real realm, me and Jeffery have a tag team title match coming up soon! So come on Drag, just kill the Emperor a movie short - take the World title - and let's return everything back to normal!
Old Ben Drag slowly turns his head to look at Dylan, his eyes are all sad and gloomy.
OLD BEN DRAG: I FEAR YOU ARE NOT ENJOYING YOUR STAY HERE IN THE STAR WARS REALM, DYLAN! A SHAME REALLY! SHAME ON YOU ASWELL! WE CANNOT CUT A MOVIE SHORT - RETURN OF THE JEDI MAY HAVE BEEN SHIT COMPARED TO THE OTHERS BUT IT'S IMPORTANCE TO THE STORY IS DETRIMENTAL! IF WE END IT NOW, WHAT'S THE POINT?
Drag turns to look at Jefe above the ramp.
OLD BEN DRAG: DO IT, EMPEROR JEFE...
Jefe stands up from his throne and rubs his hands together, cackling to himself. This is it. This is the death of Big Drag. When Drag dies, all his powers are lost and he is nothing more than a force ghost. They will be trapped in this realm for an eternity. But Old Ben Drag doesn't care. They need to stick to the rules of Star Wars kayfabe, and Drag needs to die as to keep the story going.
Old Ben Drag closes his eyes. Jefe stops rubbing his hands together. He points them at Drag.
Old Ben Drag shakes thanks to the force, but still, he does not die.
OLD BEN DRAG: I'M MADE OUT OF GOLD YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!
I CONDUCT ELECTRICITY!
Jefe continues to zap Old Ben Drag with thousands of bolts of lightning - all it does it tickle Drag. Drag just puts his hand to his head and sighs to himself. Jefe stops his thunder attack and looks on at Drag in horror, this fiend is indestructible! He shakes his head, unable to believe it. WAH Machine's knees shake, fearing for the worst.
OLD BEN DRAG: FINE, IF NONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, THEN I'LL JUST SWAP CHARACTERS!
All of the watching heroes look around at each other in confusion.
Dylan Skywalker: Wait, what?
Drag clicks his fingers and immediately the robe he once wore vanishes, a black, metal, robot suit taking it's place. The camera pans up Drag's body, the Imperial March theme playing in the background, smoke bellowing everywhere, heavy breathing ensuing. It stops at his head.
DRAG VADER: RUN MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dylan Skywalker: NO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!
Princess Jeffery: WELL HOW COME YOU HAVE AIDS THEN, HM?
Dylan Skywalker: WHA- WHO- WHAT?!
They continue to search around the Jefe Star, avoiding Jefetroopers near every bend - somehow, they're getting away with it. Dylan notices a door with a fat sign above it that reads 'TRASH COMPACTOR'.
Dylan Skywalker: Welp, it looks like we've found Jefe's throne room.
Princess Jeffery: WOW DYLAN YOU ARE SO FUNNY! HA HA HA HA HA! SEE? I'M LAUGHING SO HARD!
Dylan Skywalker: ...fuck you.
They continue to search, looking for Old Ben Drag and Jefe's throne room.
Jefe: jefe celabarate bay dancirng
Emperor Jefe is sitting back on his throne, he starts to do some weird arm movements - it kinda looks like he's dancing, but then again it kinda looks like he's having a seizure. WAH Machine just watch from either side of the throne, admiring their brand new tag team titles.
Imperial Waluigi: I think we need to throw a party m'lord! Get some of those alien prostitutes to come along, so I can spunk on their face and let it drip down onto my brand new tag belt!
Jefe turns and looks at Waluigi, his face full of morbid shock. Then he smiles from cheek to cheek.
Jefe: that greight idear!
Wario steps forward and bows before Jefe.
Imperial Wario: I'll get on with organizing it now, your highness. Dibs the blue twi'lek dancer!
Waluigi runs up to Wario and slaps him.
Imperial Waluigi: NO! I dibbsed her first!
Wario slaps back.
Imperial Wario: DID NOT!
Waluigi slaps again.
Imperial Waluigi: FINE! I SHOTGUN THE BLUE TWI'LEK DANCER!
Wario gasps!
Imperial Wario: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
Waluigi smirks to himself.
Imperial Waluigi: OH YEAH? SAYS WHO?
Wario freezes, not sure about how to respond. He stumbles and mumbles, not being able to string a sentence of English together. He screams...
Imperial Wario: WAH!
Waluigi screams back!
Imperial Waluigi: WAH!
Suddenly, the doors to the throne room swing open and a band of heroes burst through the door! It's Old Ben Drag, Jacob Solo, Mongobacca, C3PrObert and R2-PEDO! Old Ben Drag points at Jefe and roars at the top of his lungs.
OLD BEN DRAG: STOP THERE IN DESPAIR YOU WRETCHED CRIMINAL OVERLORD!
Jefe gasps and pulls out his lightsaber, ready for ANOTHER fight! WAH Machine join in, taking out their lightsabers aswell. Old Ben Drag starts to walk towards them, the rest of the heroes lay low behind, guns pointed at the enemy. After a short while, Drag lights up his golden lightsaber and points it towards Jefe and WAH Machine. Then, he looks down - lying on the floor are the beheaded bodies of the Farmyard. He shivers.
OLD BEN DRAG: YOU MAY HAVE JUST KILLED THESE POOR REBELS! BUT YOU HAVEN'T KILLED ME YET... AND I WAS MEANT TO DIE IN THE FIRST MOVIE! SHAME ON YOU JEFE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN THIS!
Jefe looks on the verge of tears, just when he thought all was grand, having just slain the rebels - Old Ben Drag turns up with his Arthur1 Gang! He's outnumbered aswell! TODAY WILL BE THE DAY JEFE DIES!
OLD BEN DRAG: I SHOULD BE A FORCE GHOST BY NOW! YOU KNOW THAT?! I SHOULD BE... BUT I'M NOT! AND WHY'S THAT?! BECAUSE NOT ANY OF YOU BASTARDS CAN KILL ME! SO I'M OFFERING A SOLUTION TO ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS JEFE... A SOLUTION YOU WILL ENJOY VERY MUCH...
...I'M GOING TO LET YOU KILL ME....
Everyone gasps as Old Ben Drag throws his lightsaber to the ground and drops to his knees. Dylan Skywalker and Princess Jeffery burst through the doors, just in time - having just found the throne room. They managed to catch what Drag had been saying, as his voice is so loud and booming you can hear it from miles away. Dylan shouts towards him.
Dylan Skywalker: Don't let him kill you Drag! For fuck's sake! We need you! We need you to get us out of this nightmare! If you die now we'll be stuck in this realm forever - and in the real realm, me and Jeffery have a tag team title match coming up soon! So come on Drag, just kill the Emperor a movie short - take the World title - and let's return everything back to normal!
Old Ben Drag slowly turns his head to look at Dylan, his eyes are all sad and gloomy.
OLD BEN DRAG: I FEAR YOU ARE NOT ENJOYING YOUR STAY HERE IN THE STAR WARS REALM, DYLAN! A SHAME REALLY! SHAME ON YOU ASWELL! WE CANNOT CUT A MOVIE SHORT - RETURN OF THE JEDI MAY HAVE BEEN SHIT COMPARED TO THE OTHERS BUT IT'S IMPORTANCE TO THE STORY IS DETRIMENTAL! IF WE END IT NOW, WHAT'S THE POINT?
Drag turns to look at Jefe above the ramp.
OLD BEN DRAG: DO IT, EMPEROR JEFE...
Jefe stands up from his throne and rubs his hands together, cackling to himself. This is it. This is the death of Big Drag. When Drag dies, all his powers are lost and he is nothing more than a force ghost. They will be trapped in this realm for an eternity. But Old Ben Drag doesn't care. They need to stick to the rules of Star Wars kayfabe, and Drag needs to die as to keep the story going.
Old Ben Drag closes his eyes. Jefe stops rubbing his hands together. He points them at Drag.
Old Ben Drag shakes thanks to the force, but still, he does not die.
OLD BEN DRAG: I'M MADE OUT OF GOLD YOU FUCKING IMBECILE!
I CONDUCT ELECTRICITY!
Jefe continues to zap Old Ben Drag with thousands of bolts of lightning - all it does it tickle Drag. Drag just puts his hand to his head and sighs to himself. Jefe stops his thunder attack and looks on at Drag in horror, this fiend is indestructible! He shakes his head, unable to believe it. WAH Machine's knees shake, fearing for the worst.
OLD BEN DRAG: FINE, IF NONE OF YOU CAN KILL ME, THEN I'LL JUST SWAP CHARACTERS!
All of the watching heroes look around at each other in confusion.
Dylan Skywalker: Wait, what?
Drag clicks his fingers and immediately the robe he once wore vanishes, a black, metal, robot suit taking it's place. The camera pans up Drag's body, the Imperial March theme playing in the background, smoke bellowing everywhere, heavy breathing ensuing. It stops at his head.
DRAG VADER: RUN MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dylan, Jeffery, Jacob, Mongo, C3PrObert and R2-PEDO charge out of the throne room and through the halls of the Jefe Star - running as far away as they can from the chasing Drag Vader. Now that he's playing the evil villain, he has to kill all of them as to ensure he keeps the Star Wars kayfabe alive - and even though that may not happen in the movies, in this realm, it's got to be done.
Jacob Solo: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I PARKED THE FALCON!
Mongobacca: *confused rawr*
They continue to run, taking out Jefetroopers on the way, as the troops try their best to block the path. Drag Vader can be heard through the comms, his heavy breathing tingling down the heroes' spine. It's very intimidating.
Dylan Skywalker: LOOK! FORGET THE FALCON! WE NEED AN ESCAPE POD!
Jacob Solo: WE CAN'T JUST FORGET THE FALCON! IT'S MY PRIZED POSSESSION... OR AT LEAST, I THINK IT'S MEANT TO BE?
Mongobacca: *angry rawr*
Princess Jeffery: No! Dylan is right... for once... Get me the fuck outta here!
They continue to run, seemingly in circles due to the circular shape of the Jefe Star (duh!). Finally, they find a sign that reads 'NOT ESCAPE PODS'. Dylan points at it.
Dylan Skywalker: THAT'S IT!
C3PrObert: BUT D4RL1NG IT S4YS TH4T TH3Y AR3 N0T ESC4PE P0D5!
Dylan Skywalker: Oh shut the fuck up... Of course they are!
Princess Jeffery: OoooOh, someone's woken up on the wrong side of the bed!
Dylan Skywalker: I HAVEN'T WOKEN UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED! I'VE WOKEN UP IN THE WRONG FUCKING REALM!
Dylan cuts the door open with his lightsaber and guides them all in. They enter what seems to be the escape pod. Once inside, and all crammed tight like a tin of sardines, R2-PEDO shoves his dick into the manual override system and twists it around, unlocking the escape pod.
But still, it won't leave the station. That's when, reaching the window of the escape pod and drawing closer and closer with every passing second, is the menacing eight foot golden vader, lightsaber in towe. He points at the pod and shouts, his voice echoing behind the glass door.
DRAG VADER: SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS!
He goes to swing his lightsaber, as to chop open the escape pod...
But R2-PEDO manages to unlock it.
WOOOOOOOSH!
They shoot from the Jefe Star, the escape pod working perfectly. The last thing that is seen is the sight of an angry Drag Vader...
BANGGGGGG!
The pod has crash-landed on the icy planet of Hoth, coincidentally. Dylan Skywalker, Princess Jeffery, Jacob Solo, Mongobacca, C3PrObert and R2-PEDO all step out of the broken ship - freezing their nuts off. Dylan stamps his foot upon the ice.
Dylan Skywalker: OF COURSE! Of course we just HAD to crash land on HOTH! UGH!
Jacob Solo: I have a bad, Jewish, feeling about this.
C3PrObert: W3 N33D T0 F1ND SH3LTER F4ST, 0THERW1SE MY C1RCU1TS W1LL SH0RTW1RE!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* same here *beep boop*
Princess Jeffery looks around the surroundings, almost freezing to death in that light, white, dress. He shudders and jitters, then remembers something.
Princess Jeffery: If I'm remembering correctly, there's a rebel base on Hoth?
Dylan nods his head - there is indeed. But whereabouts it is... that's what's unknown.
Dylan Skywalker: For all we know we could be on an entirely different part of the planet... Fuck.
Jeffery shakes his head.
Princess Jeffery: Uh uh, we're in a 'movie' right?
Dylan and the rest of the heroes nod their heads.
Princess Jeffery: Well that means we are following a chronological story where certain coincidences are bound to happen as to keep the story flowing, rightttt?
Dylan's eyes widen, holy shit, he's right again.
Dylan Skywalker: ...which means, the rebel base is closer than we think!
Princess Jeffery: BOOM! GENIUS!
Dylan Skywalker: Thanks, dad.
Princess Jeffery: No you idiot, you're not the genius... I AM!
Dylan Skywalker: ...oh.
Suddenly, as all of this is said. A massive fucking Wampa comes bursting out of the snow and towards the heroes - roaring at the top of it's lungs. The camera pans up it's massive, furry, white body... Then reveals it's head... It's none other than CW wrestler... La Cabra Ultima... But under the guise of...
LA CABRA WAMPA
DING! DING! DING!
LA CABRA WAMPA VS DYLAN SKYWALKER - XHF LICKASS TITLE ON THE LINE!
La Cabra charges at Dylan and goes for a massive swing of his fist - but Dylan ducks and pulls out his lightsaber. He swings it at the monster but the Wampa moves out of the way, just barely dodging it. He grabs Dylan by his head and lifts him into the air, strangling him in the freezing air.
C3PrObert: 0H MY - HE'5 G0NNA T4P 0UT!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* Dylan is in a lotta trouble here *beep boop*
Dylan's blood starts to run cold as La Cabra Wampa continues to choke him out. Eventually, Dylan is forced to drop the lightsaber. He's fading. Fading fast.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* someone save him! *beep boop*
Jacob Solo: AS A RABI, I WILL SAVE DYLAN BY PREACHING TO THIS MONSTER!
Jacob Solo runs up to La Cabra Wampa and goes to preach, but the Wampa doesn't care and swats him away with his massive hand - he's sent flying through the air and into a distant snow dune. Mongobacca, seeing his Jewish master get hurt, roars in anger - he charges at the Wampa and smacks him with his massive paws. Causing a DQ!
DING! DING! DING!
HERE IS YOUR WINNER BY DQ - LA CABRA WAMPA!
La Cabra Wampa lets Dylan go from the hold - he drops to the floor, as blue as the icy ground below him. Mongobacca and La Cabra Wampa continue to brawl, neither beast getting an advantage over the other.
C3PrObert: 1 HAV3 JU5T B33N 1NF0RM3D TH4T TH3 L1CK4SS T1TLE C4N CH4NGE H4ND5 0N A DQ!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* which means your winner, and NEW XHF Lickass Champion... La Cabra Ultima! *beep boop*
La Cabra Wampa kicks Mongobacca right in the monster balls - Mongo drops to his knees as La Cabra Wampa slashes him across the face with his massive claw! Then, he reaches down next to Dylan and picks up the XHF Lickass Championship - smashing it over Mongobacca's head as to finish the job. Wampa then holds the title up high, roaring at the top of it's lungs.
C3PrObert: W41T! WH4T'5 J3FF3RY V1PER D01NG?!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* ROLL UP! *beep boop*
Out of nowhere Princess Jeffery rolls the fucking wampa up, covering him as a generic referee slides in out of nowhere and covers the pinfall...
ONE! TWO! THREE!
HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW XHF LICKASS CHAMPION - JEFFERY VIPER!
Jeffery springs back to his feet as the Wampa claws his way back to his own! He goes for the death blow on Jeffery, super angry and vicious! But as he swings...
VWOOM!
Dylan has recovered, picked his lightsaber back up, and chopped the Wampa's arm clean off!
It drops to the floor as La Cabra Wampa roars out in pain, running away back to where it came from. Jeffery picks the XHF Lickass title up and just stares at his son, the original holder of the belt until a minute or so ago. He smirks, before putting it around his shoulder and walking away from Dylan.
Dylan Skywalker: Dad, get the fuck back here this instance...
Princess Jeffery continues to walk away, arrogance and ego in his step. Dylan is getting quite angry.
Princess Jeffery: Finders keepers, losers weepers!
Dylan stamps his foot into the ground and whispers under his breath 'right that's it'. He charges at his Dad, but Princess Jeffery pulls his lightsaber back out and points it at his son - turning around and smirking.
Princess Jeffery: Uh uh, mine.
Dylan pulls out his lightsaber aswell, reigniting it and getting ready to once more battle his dad. They both circle each other, not removing eye contact for anything. Dylan steps forward, his blade goes vwoom, but nothing happens. Jeffery steps forward, his blade goes vwoom, but nothing happens. Both men are at a stalemate. Are they really willing to fight to the death over the XHF LICKASS title?!
OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARE!
Both men swing towards each other, their blades crashing together with an almighty sound!
We see Drag Vader knelt down, talking to Emperor Jefe through the use of a hologram - (because Jefe and WAH Machine have genuinely gone on the vacation)
Emperor Jefe: harve u foond ze rebals yert?
Drag Vader slowly stands up, his black cowl blowing in the cool Jefe Star breeze. He looks down at the floor, a little angry and vicious, then, looks back up at the giant hologram.
DRAG VADER: INDEED WE HAVE M'LORD! AND NO, IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE HAVE A TRACKING DEVICE, IT'S BECAUSE THE NEXT PART OF THE MOVIE TAKES PLACE AT HOTH - SO THEORETICALLY, THEY MUST HAVE CRASH-LANDED ON HOTH OR OTHERWISE THEY ARE BREAKING STAR WARS KAYFABE! AND THEY DO NOT DARE BREAK STAR WARS KAYFABE!
Drag Vader slams his foot into the ground, the force of it being so strong his whole boot sinks into the floor. He yanks it back out again and composes himself.
Emperor Jefe: goord, nd hve you sent troops 2 kill therm?
The camera pans up Drag Vader's face, it's all sadistic and twisted - he's smiling from ear to ear. To be honest with you, it's fucking scary.
DRAG VADER: OH.... I SURE HAVE....
Princess Jeffery and Dylan Skywalker are still battling each other, their lightsabers clashing - fighting for the XHF Lickass title.
Dylan Skywalker: If you give it back now... No one gets hurt!
Princess Jeffery: HOW MANY TIMES DYLAN?! I WON IT! IT'S MINE!
Dylan reverses a strike attempt from Jeffery, countering with a vicious strike attempt of his own. Unfortunately, the blade doesn't connect with his skin - but the force in which Dylan hit sends Jeffery flying to the snowy ground. Dylan wastes no time in swinging for his dad, who still lays on the floor - but Jeffery force pushes him into the air and maneuvers himself back to his feet.
Dylan Skywalker: SINCE WHEN DID YOU HAVE FORCE POWERS?!
Princess Jeffery: WHAT?! I'M PRINCESS LEIA DYLAN! SHE HAS THE FORCE, DO YOU NOT READ THE EXPANDED UNIVERSE?!
Dylan Skywalker: WHY WOULD I WASTE TIME IN DOING THAT? AFTER ALL, IT'S NO LONGER CONSIDERED CANNON!
Princess Jeffery: *GASP* TAKE THAT BACK NOW!
Jeffery, full with rage, swings for Dylan's head - but Dylan ducks and spinning heel kicks his dad in the chest. As Jeffery is bent over, Dylan goes to chop his head off - But Jeffery blocks it with his own lightsaber and once more force pushes Dylan out of the way.
Dylan Skywalker: STOP SPAMMING FORCE!
Princess Jeffery: THERE'S NO RULES TO SAY I CAN'T!
Dylan Skywalker: FINE! IF YOU WANNA BE LIKE THAT...
Dylan force pushes Princess Jeffery through the air - he crashes into a snowy dune. Dylan runs up to him, ready to once more strike with his lightsaber - but Jeffery force pushes him away! Eventually, everything breaks down, and neither man can remain on their feet as they keep on getting force pushed through the air.
Princess Jeffery: OKAY THIS IS GETTING TEDIOUS NOW - JUST GIVE UP!
Dylan Skywalker: NEVER! NOT UNTIL YOU GIVE ME BACK THE LICKASS CHAMPIONSHIP!
The cameras cut to all the heroes standing at a distance, watching on in silence, shaking their heads.
C3PrObert: *camp robotic yawn*
Jacob Solo: Uh, guys, should we warn them about the approaching Jefetroopers?
Suddenly, as Jacob Solo says this - hundreds upon hundreds of Jefetroopers come bombarding out of nowhere, stopping the duel between Dylan and his dad! They point their guns at the band of heroes, surrounding them, eyes locked, fingers ready. Dylan and Jeffery are forced to drop their lightsabers - Solo and Mongobacca are forced to drop their guns.
Suddenly, an Imperial officer steps forward - we find out that's it Champoon Wrasslin's newest signee, Meme Boi. He smirks at the captured heroes.
Meme Officer: GOT 'EM!
Then proceeds to crotch chop as the Jefetroopers charge over and put them all into restraints. At first, Dylan fights back - but the Jefetroopers are too strong in number. Eventually, they succumb to the Empire.
Princess Jeffery: HANG ON! I'M MEANT TO BE WORKING FOR THE EMPIRE!
Dylan Skywalker: What?
Princess Jeffery: Well last 'movie' I was Jefe's Darth Vader but in the guise of Princess Leia! Where's the character development?! Someone call cinema sins because I've just found a fat plothole!
Dylan Skywalker: ...what? You never officially said you were working for the Empire... It was just presumed...
Princess Jeffery: Wh- I- oh.
The Jefetroopers get all the heroes to fall to their, you know what, I'm fed up of calling them heroes... They have Jeffery Viper in the group... How are they the heroes? Fuck's sake Swann, I hate you sometimes. For future reference we're going to refer to them as the Arhtur1 gang! Anyways, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah... The Jefetroopers get the Arthur1 gang onto their knees, making sure they can't go anywhere, and if they do... They'll get shot.
Meme Officer: Hang on, hang on... Let Princess Jeffery go!
Dylan looks at his dad, who is picked back up from off of the snowy ground. He shakes his head, unable to believe what he has just heard - Jeffery is going to leave the Arthur1 gang stranded, and in turn take the XHF Lickass title away with him! He swears under his breath, meanwhile, Jeffery is showing off to everyone - celebrating his momentous victory over the Arthur1 gang.
Meme Officer:
Jeffery is clomped on the back of the head by a Jefetrooper's gun - he drops to the freezing floor, knocked out cold. Meme Officer orders the troop to roll him over onto his back, ready to be pinned. He places his foot upon his lifeless body as the generic referee runs in once more and counts the pin.
ONE...! TWO...! THREE...!
HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NEW XHF LICKASS CHAMPION - MEME BOI
A Jefetrooper hands Meme Officer the championship title, he fastens it around his shoulder and celebrates - the Jefetroopers quietly clapping his cough victory.
Meme Officer: *DAB*
Suddenly, as the Meme Officer celebrates his title win - thousands upon thousands of laser shots are heard as left right and center Jefetroopers drop to the snow! Then - the sounds of X-Wings are heard as they soar through the sky - shooting Jefetroopers down from where they stand.
Meme Officer: U WOT M8
The XHF Lickass Champion pulls out his gun, triggered over the surprise attack from the rebels. He goes to shoot from it but Dylan has broken out of his shackles! He unsheathes his lightsaber and swings at the Meme Boi, knocking him to the ground with the hilt of the blade.
Dylan Skywalker: That's my title...
Dylan points his lightsaber at the downed Meme Officer, waiting for him to relinquish the XHF Lickass title back to the 'Jedi Warrior'. Meme Officer shakes his head, not willing to give in to the original holder.
Dylan Skywalker: Fine... If you wanna play it that wa-
As soon as Dylan says this he is sent flying through the air thanks to a fucking AT-AT, the cameras pan up to reveal them.
They shoot at the rebels, taking them out - the Hoth battle has ensued. Jacob Solo has recovered from his bump earlier, as has Mongobacca. They get up and look around for the others, who have scattered in the battle.
Jacob Solo: Remember what I taught you! When in war, think Jew thoughts!
Mongobacca: *jewish rawr*
Jacob spots C3PrObert and R2-PEDO in the distance - he shouts.
Jacob Solo: OVER THERE!
He and Mongobacca charge to them, avoiding blaster fire and the AT ATs as they do so. The robots lighten up at the sight of the rest of Arthur1 gang.
C3PrObert: 0H G00D GR1EF, 1 MUST S4Y 1M GL4D 2 SEE U TW0!
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* but where are the others?! *beep boop*
They look around for Dylan and Jeffery, but they can't find them - after all they have been knocked out in battle.
Jacob Solo: We need to get out of here!
Jacob spots a convenient ship lying in the distance, as if it had been put there by a lazy writer who couldn't decide on any other better way to get them out of the situation. He starts to run towards it but Mongobacca grabs him by the arm and turns him in as to face him.
Mongobacca: rawr- wait! wait, wait, wait! We can't leave without the others, it's not the Jewish way!
Jacob Solo: *gasp* you're right! I'm proud you are learning my young padawan! My training is paying off!
Instead of running straight to the ship - they head out in the midst of battle, searching for the two unconscious fighters.
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* OVER THERE! *beep boop*
R2-PEDO has found Princess Jeffery KO'd in the snow. He smacks him in the face with his fat knob, waking him up. He jumps to his feet, fists pulled up ready to fight!
Princess Jeffery: NO! YOU WON'T TAKE MY TITL- they took my title..
Jacob Solo runs over to him and places his hand on his shoulder.
Jacob Solo: Listen! We need to get out... of.... h... her... here...
Jacob Solo freezes as he looks deep within Princess Jeffery's eyes. Princess Jeffery blushes. For some weird reason, like a connection in the force, they have fallen in love on first sight.
Princess Jeffery: *blushing* H- h hey.
Jacob Solo: H- h- hey... Ar- ar- ar- are you Jewish?
Jeffery doesn't know how to respond - after all, if he says he's a jew and Jacob isn't a jew then he will no longer like him. So he responds with the best way he can possible think up.
Princess Jeffery: N- no. Wh- what ki- kind of a loser wo- would be a Jew?
Jacob Solo freezes. This man doesn't like Jews, but he's a Jew! Oh no, he musn't tell him otherwise Princess Jeffery will never fall in love with him.
Jacob Solo: No- not me. J- J- J- Jews sock.
Phew, close call there Jacob - you nearly said suck. The love tension is suddenly broken as Robert the gay cowboy robot (In this universe known as our metallic mate, C3PrObert) intervenes.
C3PrObert: 0KAY W3 R3ALLY N33D TO L3AVE L1KE R1GHT N0W B0YZ!
Jacob and Jeffery turn to C3PrObert and nod, agreeing with him.
Jacob Solo: But what about Dylan, your son Jeffery?
Princess Jeffery smiles at him, all sweet and innocent.
Princess Jeffery: He's a big boy now, he can look after himself.
With this they all run towards the ship and get in, leaving Hoth and the ensuing war behind them - Oh, and leaving Dylan aswell.
Fabiano Calrission: Welcommmmme everyonnnnne to my drug-cloud cityyyyyyy....
We see the band of heroes now arrived at drug-cloud city, the home of Fabiano Calrission - the bisexual Mexican drug lord. He welcomes everyone aboard his city, high on love or whatever fucking pinger he just took. Jacob Solo walks on up to him and shakes his hand, then pulls away immediately remembering he's breaking all laws of Judaism.
Princess Jeffery: What's the matter with his hand hunny bunny?
Solo turns to Jeffery and is about to tell him that drugs don't correlate well with Jews - then he remembers that Jeffery doesn't like Jews, and Jeffery doesn't know he's a Jew.
Jacob Solo: I- I- I- I n- need to sneeze!
Jacob Solo pretends to sneeze. Fabiano looks at him in absolute confusion.
Fabiano Calrission: Rightttttttt........ Anywhoooo would you like to come withhhhhh me....
Fabiano leads them all inside of the drug-cloud city.
Fabiano Calrission: Ohhhhhhhhhh... I'm Fabiannnnnnno by the wayyyyyyy...
The camera pans up his face, he smiles from ear to ear with sharp shark-like teeth. I don't trust him.
Emperor Jefe, Wario and Waluigi are back from their mini-vacation. They are sitting around the throne room admiring their titles.
Imperial Wario: Thanks for giving us the opportunity to win these boss, really means a WAH!
Jefe smiles and kisses Wario on the cheek.
Jefe: goord boi. u marke jefe harpy
Waluigi pipes up, jealous of his brother's attention.
Imperial Waluigi: You're really sexy Jefe.
Jefe blushes and kisses Waluigi on the cheek.
Jefe: oorh cheerkie boi
Wario shakes his head, unable to believe his brother's pathetic attempt to woo the World Heavyweight Champion.
Imperial Wario: Lickass!
Jefe turns and looks at Wario, all confused.
Jefe: irs dylain stil ze xfh likarss champoon?
Wario and Waluigi are unsure, they decide to check through the comms.
Wah Machine: MEME OFFICER IS THE WAHMPION?!
They both drop their communication devices and look at each other, before turning back to their boss.
Imperial Wario: Surely that means... Dylan is no longer under contract! *gasp*
Jefe shakes his head, unable to believe what he is hearing.
Jefe: oh poop
Waluigi stands up from the floor and starts walking around at a fast pace, trying his best to make sense of the situation.
Imperial Waluigi: WE NEED TO PUT THE TITLE BACK ON DYLAN!
Wario stands up, pacing back and forth with his brother.
Imperial Wario: SOMEONE CONTACT THE MEME OFFICER - HE NEEDS TO JOB TO DYLAN!
Jefe stands up and looks between them two.
Jefe: wairt... he carnt go anyware wilst wee r inn teh jefe warz raelm!
The WAH Machine brothers stop, looking between each other - they nod, agreeing with the statement.
Imperial Wario: YOU'RE A GENIUS BOSS!
Jefe smiles, blushing some more. He kisses Wario on the cheek again.
Jefe: nawty boi, rawr xd
We see Fabiano Calrission leading his guests (the Arthur1 gang) through the halls of the drug-cloud city. We see them approaching a dining room. Fabiano points at the door and motions for them to enter.
Fabiano Calrission: Come onnnnnnn innnnnnnnnn and have sommmmmmmme.... fooooooooood....
They all stop at the door, Mongobacca blocking everyone from opening it. He shakes his head, then looks at Fabiano.
Mongobacca:
The Arthur1 gang look at him, all perplexed as to why he stopped them from entering. He continues to glare at Fabiano, who half-hardheartedly smirks.
Mongobacca: rawr- have you not seen the original trilogy?! This is the part of the movie where Darth Vader captures them from surprise! No doubt that Big Drag is in there waiting to take us in!
Everything goes quiet.
DRAG VADER: ...NO I'M NOT.
The whole Arthur1 gang gasp as they realize Mongobacca is right - Fabiano just shrugs, having done his job. He leaves the situation, a wad of cash in his pocket - a future title shot to go with it.
Jacob Solo: Okay Drag... Look... We know you're in there...
Once more the muffled sound comes from the other side of the door.
DRAG VADER: ...N- NO... NO I'M NOT.
Jacob Solo facepalms. Princess Jeffery pipes up, talking into the closed door.
Princess Jeffery: We can hear you Drag...
Silence.
DRAG VADER: N- NO YOU CAN'T.
Silence some more.
Princess Jeffery: ...
Jacob Solo: ...
Mongobacca: ...
C3PrObert: ...
R2-PEDO: *beep boop* ... *beep boop*
Finally, Jacob Solo pipes up again.
Jacob Solo: Look... we're not coming in...
Drag stays quiet for a little while, almost sulking under his breath.
DRAG VADER: B- BUT YOU MUST.
The Arthur1 gang all look between each other still, all facepalming.
Jacob Solo: B- but we have no reason to...
Long pause.
DRAG VADER: Y- YES YOU DO!
Solo raises his eyebrow.
Jacob Solo: W- what's the reason...?
Even longer pause.
DRAG VADER: ...OTHERWISE YOU'D BE BREAKING STAR WARS KAYFABE!
AND IF I CATCH YOU BREAKING STAR WARS KAYFABE!
IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU!
The Arthur1 gang freeze. That was very loud, almost as if he was {No Means No} their ears. They all agree that they may aswell open the door, after all they're most probably surrounded by a hundred odd Jefetroopers.
DRAG VADER: WE WOULD BE HONORED TO HAVE YOU JOIN US!
Jacob Solo pulls out his blaster.
Drag Vader rises from his feet and force grabs the weapon out of his hand. The Arthur1 gang turn around to find out that they are, indeed, surrounded by a hundred odd Jefetroopers...
And these two rascals!
The XHF Lickass Champion, Meme Officer and the world's worst bounty hunter, X-Boba.
Meme Officer:
We are back in the throne room with Jefe and his best buds.
Imperial Wario: So sir, about Randy Angel leaving Champoon Wrasslin... He took the Shooting Star Championship with him..
Jefe rubs his eyes, unable to believe what he is hearing.
Jefe: w8t wat
Imperial Waluigi: Well he rage-quit after you forced him to be all the 'extra' characters in a New Hope - he was still Shooting Star Champion at the time... Henceforth how he took the belt...
Jefe stomps his foot into the metal crate, injuring his ankle in the process.
Jefe: ow ow
WAH Machine guide him back onto his throne.
Jefe: wel wee carnt harve onlee thfree champoonionshaps in champoon wrasslin... wee murst mak neuw champoonionshap!
WAH Machine look at each other warily.
Imperial Waluigi: But your highness, don't you think three championships are enough? After all, the Shooting Star championship become merely an after-thought!
Jefe shakes his head disapprovingly.
Jefe: no
Wario chimes in.
Imperial Wario: Sure thing sir, but what will the title be...
Jefe stops and stares into the air for a minute, then remembers the death of Daruun Michael earlier on - he used to be an AWA star - and their weekly TV show was 'Weekly Extravaganza" - Jefe loves to rip things off.
Jefe: teh extravonantaitionalgantzamanianental champoonionshap!
Wario and Waluigi give each other glancing looks.
Imperial Waluigi: ...Okay then... The uh, hm, Extravaganzanental Championship it is...
Wario places his hand on Jefe's shoulder.
Imperial Wario: And how will we crown our first Extravoganzacontinental(?) Champion, m'lord?
Jefe: @ teh christmarst specail - in a sarnta waifere mootch
Imperial Waluigi: Sorry sir, a Santa Warfare match at the Jefe Wars: Christmas Special?
Imperial Wario: The winner is crowned the King of Christmas and the new CW Extravaganzanental Champion?
Jefe smiles with a gaping mouth.
Jefe: boom borth off u rite!
He proceeds to kiss them on the cheeks.
The Arthur1 gang have been beaten and dragged to a special room - the carbonite freezing room, or whatever the fuck it's supposed to be called. Jacob Solo is brought to his knees in front of X-Boba, Drag Vader strolls the decking, taunting his foes with a handful of botched crotch chops.
DRAG VADER: AS PER THE RULES OF STAR WARS KAYFABE JACOB SOLO MUST BE FROZEN IN CARBONITE AND SOLD TO JABBA THE HUTT! THIS INSTANCE!
X-Boba drags Solo back to his feet and grabs him by the ear, tugging him along towards the carbonate freezing tank, station fucking thing. He forces him into it as Meme Officer watches from a distance, laughing hysterically.
Meme Officer: THIS IS EPIC! *flosses*
Out of nowhere Princess Jeffery stands up, he/she shoves Meme Officer out of the way and charges directly to X-Boba.
Princess Jeffery: NO! You can't do this! Not to this... handsome... young... beautiful... jizz-stirring... tickle-pickling... girl-stealing... wheeling-dealing... OH MY GOD WHAT AM I SAYING?! I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me - For some weird reason the force has made me attracted to you.
Drag Vader steps forward, all angry.
DRAG VADER: WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THAT'S CALLED STAR WARS KAYFABE!!!!!!! OF COURSE YOU FUCKING FEEL SOMETHING! IT IS WRITTEN IN THE STARS FOR FUCKS SAKE!
He whips out his golden lightsaber and begins stabbing his it everywhere, in a fit of anger - thankfully no one gets hurt, besides a few generic Jefetroopers - but they don't matter, do they. Because they never do. They never fucking do. #justiceforjefetroopersotherwiseillbangyourmumthenbangadrumyouresodumbyoulooklikeaplumbnowgetoutofmyhouseandstoptryingtoreadthiswholebloodyhashtagbecauseintheendyouwillregretitasitmeansnothingactuallywaitnoifyouvereadthisfarthenpostthewholehashtagasacommentonhereordiscordletsseewhopaysattentiontothesmallthings
Jacob Solo: If you kill me then who will look after the Jewish orphans back in Jerusalem?! Who will care for the Mongolian Giant and finish his training?!
Princess Jeffery stands forward once more.
Princess Jeffery: I WILL MY LOVE! fuck! Not again! This damn star wars kayfabe!
He shakes his fist as Jacob Solo half-halfheartedly smiles, X-Boba proceeds to shove him into the chamber - everyone watches in silence.
Jacob Solo is frozen.
Meme Officer: look at dis duuuuuuuude!
Everyone laughs besides the Arthur1 gang - who are traumatized.
Dylan Skywalker: STOP RIGHT THERE MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dylan Skywalker has blasted his way into the carbonite chamber and chopped down some Jefetroopers - Drag Vader once more pulls out his lightsaber and charges at him, threatening to chop his head and hand off.
DING! DING! DING!
DYLAN SKYWALKER VS DRAG VADER IN A CUT-YOUR-OPPONENT'S-HAND-OFF MATCH - WINNER BECOMES #1 CONTENDER TO WORLD TITLE!
Dylan Skywalker: Wait what?!
Drag Vader swings at Dylan with such force that Dylan's lightsaber is sent flying out of his hand. He drops to his knees and holds his hands up, knowing that no matter what he'll be on the losing end of a battle to Drag. Drag is about to kill him when he stops, throws his lightsaber down, and sighs.
DRAG VADER: WHY ARE YOU GIVING UP DYLAN?! YOU'RE MEANT TO BE LUKE SKYWALKER! THE GUY WHO NEVER GIVES UP, WELL, THAT'S EXCLUDING THE GOD AWFUL NEW TRILOGY IN WHICH HE DOES BUT WE'RE NOT AT THAT PART OF THE STORY YET! SO FIGHT ME, PLEASE!
Drag grabs Dylan's lightsaber from off of the floor and hands it to him, Dylan slowly gets back to his feet, unsure if Drag is setting him up in a trap or not. But he's not. Dylan pulls back his lightsaber, Drag picks his own back up. They freeze for a second.
DRAG VADER: RIGHT, WE NEED TO MAKE THIS FAIR. HIT ME DYLAN.
Dylan Skywalker: What?
DRAG VADER: I SAID HIT ME!
Dylan swings at Drag, clashing with his lightsaber - Drag sells the blow, making his opponent look good.
DRAG VADER: WOW DYLAN. THAT HURT.
He winks at the hero before flopping to the floor, selling it some more - Dylan just looks so dejected. Suddenly, he is clocked around the back of his head by Meme Officer, who still remains the XHF Lickass Champion - as Dylan is on the floor, he runs out of the room and escapes, taking the title with him.
Dylan Skywalker: Motherfucker!
As Dylan slowly gets back to his feet, and Drag does aswell - X-Boba wheels the frozen Jacob Solo out of the room. Princess Jeffery runs after him but X-Boba threatens to shoot - Jeffery runs back, bumping into Dylan as he does so.
Dylan Skywalker: HEY! Watch where you're goin- DAD?!
Princess Jeffery: SON?! I thought I, I mean they, left you to die on Hoth!
Dylan Skywalker: Ohhhh yeahhhh, about that...
Dylan goes to swing at his dad but Drag Vader steps in the way, blocking the shot - he force shoves Dylan back a few feet.
DRAG VADER: STOP CALLING HIM DAD! IN STAR WARS KAYFABE I AM MEANT TO BE YOUR DADDY! NOT YOUR TWIN SISTER!
Dylan grits his teeth, seething with anger.
Dylan Skywalker: Fuck Star Wars Kayfabe!
Drag Vader almost has a heart attack, he screams at the top of his lungs and covers his mouth - closing his eyes, on the verge of tears.
DRAG VADER: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT DYLAN!
Dylan smirks, rather cocky-like.
Dylan Skywalker: Oh, I did...
DRAG VADER: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
He charges at Dylan and strikes him down again, once more knocking the blade out of his hand. He swings, this time looking for the kill, but Dylan rolls out of the way. He jumps back onto his feet and somehow manages to force push Drag away. As Drag flies across the room, Dylan picks his lightsaber back up and just stops Drag from cutting him in half.
Dylan kicks the golden giant in his stomach, but it does fuck all. Drag grabs him by the throat and begins to choke him out, he lifts him up as he squeals for air.
DRAG VADER: NO ONE FUCKS STAR WARS KAYFABE BUT ME! GOT THAT YOU LIL PUNK ASS BITCH?!
Dylan nods his head, trying to do anything that'll make Drag release his grip. Finally, he lets go. Dylan drops to the floor.
And Drag chops his hand off.
Dylan Skywalker: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DING! DING! DING!
HERE IS YOUR WINNER AND NUMBER ONE CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE - DRAG VADER!
Dylan holds his limbless stub of an arm, on the verge of tears - Drag merely chuckles as he throws his lightsaber down to the floor.
DRAG VADER: SEE YOU IN THE NEXT MOVIE, DYLAN...
He walks on out of the chamber, leaving the handless Dylan Skywalker to fend for himself. Princess Jeffery walks on up to his son, checking if he's okay - then he sees the hand lying on the floor and squeals, running away.
Drag Vader actually just chopped the hand off of the Dylan Viper.
Drag Vader is the number one contender... Emperor Jefe - it's time for an apprentice to become the master...
Big Drag, the World Heavyweight Champion?