BANG! Fest Commercial (X*Crown RP #... I've lost count)

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

**Fade in. Beaches of Georgia. Afternoon.**

*We see Curtis Kanyon standing on a beach. Clear skies, sun shining, ladies in bikinis playing volleyball in the background.*

: Hello beautiful people! The best most extravagant party of the winter starts tomorrow! We’re nearly sold out. Tent community on the beach. Sexy ladies everywhere! Musical guests up the wazoo! The BANG! Fest is going to be… well, BANG!ing! I’ve invited all my opponents to come party with us! See the best wrestlers in the world kick back and let loose before we completely obliterate each other in the blind man’s bluff match! Supremacy will truly be supreme, but no reason not to start the supreme supreme-y-ness early with a rocking rager of raging rock-ness!

*Curtis puts a thumbs up to the camera.*

: Other XHF alumns will be there too! This isn’t just a normal beach party. Get in while you can! We have a few VIP lodges left at only $2,000 each! What a bargain! The $700 fancy tents are sold out. $500 regular tents are sold out! But don’t worry, they all have WiFi for your Periscope casting needs! …The kids still use Periscope right?... Anyway! Here’s the plan see! You can see that quiet as a mouse Minami girl, probably running around in a bikini, that is if Raiden forwarded the package to her. And, you might see Raiden in a bikini. Those Japanese, they wear the craziest things. Heh. So silly. With two Japanese wrestlers taking up spots in this match, their defeat at my hands will be the biggest blow to that country since Nagasa—

**The feed cuts out, and then back.**

*Curtis is looking off camera.*

: --at you mean I can’t say that? It’s a party, what’s a little war time mass murder among friends? Fine, just cut it from the commercial! We’re back now? Okay.

*Curtis looks back at the camera.*

: Ha ha! What was I saying? Oh yeah, Raiden. I am a little worried he’s Yakuza, but since we’re stuck in a cage, I’m not too worried about it. And I’ll have tons of guards on my wife and children, because they are not dying on my watch! Raiden has tried time and again to win the X*Crown, I give him points for tenacity, a virtue the Yakuza love, just saying, but he can never win the big one. Always just out of reach, which is a problem for a lot of Japanese people. But at least you make great sushi, I assume? And you know karate, which is great. But you don’t know ca-razy! That’s me in a nutshell. If we square off, which I hope we do, I’m going to put you in your place, make you realize you will ever attain the X*Crown, and then we can both move on with our lives.

*A beach ball falls into frame and Curtis hits it back.*

: Oh right, I’m on the beach. Here you go you loveable scamps! See while, we’re setting up the biggest party Georgia has ever seen, we’re also having a good time! Just like I’ll make sure Chris Parsons has a good time on the beach before I murderize him. Poor lumbering bastard looks like he hasn’t had a good day in his life. But if his ugly mug can somehow manage not to scare away all the girlies on the beach, then I’m going to make sure the two days at the party are the best two days of his life! Because it’s going to go right back down the toilet at Supremacy when I emerge victorious, and he stays at the bottom of the barrel. Then we got my spicy Chef, Anthony Craig. I hope I can get him to whip me while I’m tie—I uh, I mean, whip me up something delicious at one of our many BBQ pits. If my wife has her way though, I won’t be allowed near him. Which may be for the best, that way I won’t feel too bad when I end up messing up his pretty face at Supremacy. I mean, I am going to feel bad when I disfigure him. It won’t be Chris Parsons bad, but I need to beat him until he’s not so hunky anymore for my own sanity. But hey, then he can create a new reality show, “The Masked Chef.” So really, I’m doing him a favor. A sexy favor.

*Curtis licks his lips. Then shakes his head.*

: Sorry, sorry. Let me get my head back in the game. People, you need to act fast on those last few openings, because Big Drag will also be there! I mean, if you thought I skirted the lines of meta storytelling, this guy takes the cake! I have to admire that. But that doesn’t mean he’s a golden god. Oh no, that honor only belongs to Thor, with those fabulous golden locks. No, Drag is no god, and I will prove it when I pin him down to the mat and make him my bitch. So, before he’s proven to be the falsest of idols, come see him on the beach and take in his last few fleeting minutes of glory! And speaking of a few minutes of glory…

*Curtis smirks as he walks along the beach, although it looks kind of weird. Almost like he’s walking in place. It’s trippy.*

: Bobby Barratt. The current title holder. He’s held that belt for what, two minutes? Just one of the many AWF’ers to hold the title while it’s been stuck in that hell hole. Just passing that belt around like some cheap whore? The X*Crown is not Bodhi! It deserves respect! And Bobby hasn’t held that title long enough to earn anything. If the gods are just and you people are lucky, you’ll see me run through all six of my opponents at Supremacy. And if you do, you’ll see that I take the most joy in pummeling this twerp! I mean, I saw him the other day, I stared him in the eye! He’s got the fire, but he damn sure doesn’t have the will that I do! Ending his reign will be the most glorious of victories! It’s going to be a hell of a culmination of the party that is BANG! FEST! Seeing me stand over his body, holding the titles that belong to me, after BANG!ing them all! So come on down, party hardy with all of us for two days, and then watch me kick all there asses! You won’t be disappointed! In fact, you all will feel… the… BANG!

*President Curtis gives the camera a thumbs up as the party details and website scroll across the screen.*

**Fade out.**

[Curtis D. Kanyon]

**Fade in. Atlanta. Sound Stage.**

*We see Curtis standing in front of a green screen. A camera in front of him. A director behind that. A guy off to the right holding a beach ball. The director jumps out of the chair.*

: Cut! That’s it! That was the take! Great job Mr. President.

: Well, I am awesome.

: We are going to have to cut that atomic bomb joke, but other than that, it was fantastic.

: I’m Xtreme! I think we should leave it in.

: I know, I know, it would have totally flown in the old days of XHF. But in the new world climate, it just is not PC. I’m sorry.

: Damn snowflakes. This is why they need me to be the X*Crown champion. A tough, strong man who doesn’t give a shit about PC to be a role model for all of us.

: Aren’t you already a role model as the President?

: Not as much as you’d think.

*Curtis walks over to catering as the director walks back to his DP to talk over the commercial. Curtis grabs a doughnut. His head of security, Jim walks up to him, as well as his Page.*

: Mr. President, you can’t go through with this festival, it’s not safe!

: I can handle myself thank you!

: Not for you! For the guests!

: Sir, we don’t have lodges. We don’t have fancy tents. We don’t even have enough FEMA tents for the amount of tickets you sold!

: Wow, who could have seen this coming?

: JFK for one. But seriously, the musical acts are canceling on us. The beach is really really cold because it’s winter. There’s even a hurricane warning in the area. We have to cancel this event sir.

: There’s an old saying in wrestling… the show must go on! So get to it! We need to make this happen! Spare no expense! Use money from our Social Security Surplus if you have to!

: We don’t have a surplus—

: YOU HEARD ME!

*The page runs off.*

: Sir, you really need to rethink this. Please.

: It’ll be fine Jim. You’ll see. Tomorrow, everything’s going to work out just fine.

: Sir, the site won’t even be finished being set up tomorrow!

: Jim, I already said it will be fine tomorrow. Let future Curtis worry about it. Tonight, we celebrate the creation of this awesome festival!

*Curtis walks away eating his doughnut as Jim shakes his head, looking very worried.*

**Fade out.**