Anzac Cup 2018

[SWAT Team]

We cut backstage to a reporter, interviewer, whatever. Could be a talking mic stand for how important they are. Male? Female?

What part of 'It doesn't matter' confuses you?

Mic Stand: And there you have it, the first round of the Anzac Cup is complete, and Round Two is set! As you just saw, the Bro Code--

The mic stand is cut off by a hand grabbing the microphone, as Impulse and Calico Rose (of the best named team, The Noodle Incident) step into frame. It's Cally that did the inappropriate grabbing, as she stares into the eyes of the animated mic stand.

Cally: We're confused.

The mic stand leans in to speak, but Cally is on a roll.

Cally: So, BAWSMan Eric Dane asks RK and I to come on down for the Balzac cup, and like The Price is Right, we're totes the next contestants.

Mic Stand: Anzac--

Cally: and we're dropped into the middle of a prepubescent war zone between terminators and virgins and Dong Fairsexes and evil clowns and psychotic goths. Dude, evil clown is redundant and psychotic goths are stereotyping. Be more original and less hexed.

Mic Stand: It's actually Team F--

Cally: RK, where did Mr. Dane go? Mr. Dane, why are you here? Did you lose a bet?

Mic Stand: I think anyone out there would agree that SWAT is the pinnacle of--

Cally: No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.

She waves her finger in front of the mic stand's face.

Cally: No.

And follows it up with a faux threatening look.

Cally: If you're talking about the bossa nova pinnacle ubermensch of professional wrestling, the kinda place where you feel it - not just on the hairs on the back of your neck but right down here in the slippery bits, you're not talking SWAT.

She taps her breastbone while speaking of... er... the 'slippery bits.'

Cally: I don't even understand the lingo your two talking heads use. What the poopsmith is a 'video RPS?' Whats wrong with recycling? Do you need to separate out old 45 pagers like different types of plastic? 'Phone it in rehash rp fed down the road SEE?' Is that English? Are those real words?

At that, Cally looks into the camera with eyes wide, like she's a deer in the middle of the highway.

Cally: These commentary peoples are more gossipy than a twelve pack'a teenaged girls. And I would know, I used to be one!

The mic stand looks confused, but neither Impulse nor Cally look like they're about to leave.

Mic Stand: Well, having passed Rank and File, do you have any words for your second round opponents, The Bro Code?

More silent staring. After just enough time to be really uncomfortable, Impulse steps into the microphone.

Impulse: I always said I'd never be the kinda guy that insults and belittles people that are just doing their job... but do you have a mind of your own? Do you even exist? Rosie brings up some excellent points about the entirety of SWAT from the top to the bottom, and the unprofessional way in which 'the other' is treated in front of a live audience, and you pivot to the company line? It's no wonder you don't even have a name.

Mic Stand: My name is--

Impulse: Didn't ask, don't care.

Cally: That's not technically true. Our main snag is that we care too much.

Mic Stand: I appreciate that. My name is--

Cally: Oh... no, sweetie. Not about that. We care about the integrity of this sport, which is why your question about the bromance gives me the jibblies. As a woman that's upwards of seventeen percent hispanic, their lil' love scene was titty twistingly terrible.

Mic Stand: I don't understand.

Impulse: Purple. Nurple.

Cally: I don't think the bromance took into account the fact that we go to Xixa all the time, and the waiters don't wear sombreros and there isn't a silly mariachi band in the corner playing covers of songs that it would be hilarious for a mariachi band to play. You see, this is the problem with professional wrestling in the twenty first century: everyone wants to be the funniest person in the room, and they think the straightest line between those points is to cast a bunch of extras in a place they think they should be, and have their friend say "You're the funniest person in the room." Nobody's just real anymore. You can say what you want about RK and the BAWSman and myself and our team name-

Impulse: -terrible name-

Cally: Best name ever, but we're real. We don't cover up the warts 'n razorburn with a protooled production... full of tools. BAWSman Eric Dane overindulged at our apartment and he was in a four day food coma. Literal. Coma. We don't hide that sorta thing.

Mic Stand: You make an interesting point, but none of those things truly matter once you get into the ring. Out in the arena, it's wrestling ability that makes the difference. Aren't you selling the Bro Code short?

Impulse: No.

More awkward silence. The mic stand looks at the camera and starts to finish up, when Impulse interrupts. Apparently he's enjoying this a little too much.

Impulse: Dane and I are gonna win, or we're gonna lose. Win or lose, neither one of us compromised a stitch'a our integrity for it. We reject the idea that only a carefully crafted persona can win matches: we can do it on our sheer force of will. And even if we somehow don't make it past the Bro Code? I'm lookin' on the bright side.

He smiles.

Impulse: At least we're not the frickin' Bro Code.

And... shazam.

[SWAT Team]

[Backstage.]

[Again.]

[Several moments ago Eric Dane made his way back through the curtain and past the Gorilla Position before his partner or manager or anyone else had time to realize where he was or what was going on.]

[The look on his face said everything you needed to know.]

[He barrelled through without stopping to speak to anyone, be it the waiting roving reporter whose job it was to record his post-match thoughts or the producer who discussed with him before the match what was to be done with Maddox and Frostbite.]

[What he knew was that if he stopped right then and there he would have said or done something that someone would have regretted later.]

[This was just long enough ago for The Only Star to have been out to the loading dock to have a smoke and think of exactly what he wanted to say. He had been pacing for several moments when the camera faded into him with a concrete wall for a background.]

Eric Dane:
Alright. Impulse and I went out there and embarrassed two guys while I’m sure the commentators took the opportunity to air out all of their dirty laundry on International Pay-Per-View. We towed the company line…

[He snorts.]

Eric Dane:
And it made me sick.

[Then he spits the phlegm and bile out that had been building in him for the last half an hour. It is bright green and gross.]

Eric Dane:
And do you know why it made me sick?

[He waits.]

Eric Dane:
I’ll wait.

[...]

[Both eyebrows raise as if waiting, again, on you to catch up.]

Eric Dane:
Because I had to convince Impulse, a man who I respect enough to have asked him to come to SWAT to team with me for this very tournament, to go out there with me and help me do something that goes completely against his nature…

[The pacing kicks in again.]

Eric Dane:
Nevermind the fact that he’s an outside guest himself…

[He nods his head negatively.]

Eric Dane:
You know what? Fuck it. I’m pissed off now. I know for a fact that Impulse is ready to kick heads off. We’re gonna go out there in the 2nd Round against the Bro Code and we’re gonna beat up, outwit, and out-wrestle Calum Morgan and whoever his partner is.

We’re gonna take into account that not only did these two jackasses participate in the same travesty that was forced down mine and my partners throat, but I know for a fact they reveled in it, made a spectacle of it.

Alright, that’s all well and fine…

[Eric tries to massage the bridge of his nose between a thumb and forefinger, staving off a migraine for later. He knows if he doesn’t quit dwelling on the overwhelming amount of bullshit he’s being forced to wade through then he’s wasting his time trying to win this Goddamned tournament.]

[Besides, what’s done is done.]

[As Pumba would tell you, you’ve gotta put your behind behind you.]

Eric Dane:
The difference now than before is that you’ve got two former multiple-time World Champions pissed off and ready to win this whole fuckin’ shebang on general fucking principle alone. We were more than likely going to win anyway, I mean there’s talent and then there’s talent and then there’s Star Power, but now we’ve got chips on our shoulders and are bound and determined to bring some talent and integrity to these proceedings even if we have to do it with a little bit of violence along the way.

[Mercifully, he pauses.]

Eric Dane:
I mean, hell, you’ve got Mr. Sporting Competition and Fair Play himself, Impulse, pissed off and spoiling for a fight. That none of you can grasp what that means is all the more reason why we’re going to mangle anyone and everyone we come up against for the rest of the night.

Morgan and Generic Partner #2 are next, and then it’s probably Christiano Sauron Kramer and Alfred Timeless, and after that it’ll probably be Victim “The Vince” Von Erich and whoever he brought out of his mom’s backyard, and even if we get more shenanigans and it’s some-fuckin-body else we face, the fact remains the same.

Eric Dane and Impulse are your 2018 Anzac Cup Champions, just waiting to be crowned. For that matter you may as well go ahead and pencil in my name, that’s Eric fuckin’ Dane for those of you meatheads out there who just don’t have it in you to follow along, as the SWAT World Champion! If you haven’t figured it out just yet I’m on a Goddamned mission to bring some legitimacy to this place or die trying.

And let me just tell you…

Ain’t nobody, and I mean nobody walking around SWAT who’s got the salt to put me down. And since we see how you like to treat outsiders it’s highly muh-fuckin’ unlikely you’re gonna bring in a ringer to take me down. Do you understand? Are you paying attention now?

[Finally he cracks something of a contemptuous grin.]

Eric Dane:
Take a good long hard look at this face and understand that I’m not going any-fuckin-where for a long time. So memorize it, deal with it, learn to love it, and if any of you window-licking troglodytes think you might want to learn a little something about how to draw money and win titles then take out a crayon and a napkin and start takin’ fuckin’ notes.

[He gives you the ol’ middle-finger salute.]

Eric Dane:
And hey, if you don’t like it, all you have to do, is do something about it.

[Cut.]

[SWAT Team]

A feed begins to slowly cut in. It starts off as a static cut feed, then slowly focuses in to show a dank Pit. The screen flickers between color and b&w, and there is just enough static left to make the darkness seem even more foreboding.

You knew this shit was coming. Lap it up, dogs.

We see a man in the dark room opposite the camera, which is leaning on a slight slant. Through the grainy feed we can make out the rest of the Pit.

This man is sitting on a pile of busted tables, cracked kendo sticks, flattened trashcans, and dented chairs, among other weapons. Many of these are rusted and/or stained with blood. The pile is set in such a way that it resembles a throne. A black steel baseball bat leans on the side of the pile, within reach. The main light source in the room is a fire pit that is between him and the camera. In the far reaches of the room, flames dance high along the walls, creating an atmosphere like everything is burning.

Chains are hanging in various places in the Pit. One side of an HPWA Brutality Cage is leaning against the back wall. A black steel ladder is shown against the side wall, and dented chairs with names scratched in them are hanging like trophies. Names like 'Jacko', 'Hitman', 'Armageddon', 'Cobryn', 'Pagan', 'Haven', 'Sadler', 'Soulfly', 'Soutter', and three blackened and burnt chairs with 'Rave', 'D. Dynamite', and 'Soulfly', along with two extra chairs hanging together, seperately from the rest, with 'Power' and Phoenix' written on but crossed, and replaced by 'Bruno' and 'Silence'. Next to them all are four much more recent additions; 'Fierce' and 'Timeless" along with two that say "CSK". Alongside them are replicas of eleven title belts, the Ring Syndicate Memorial Cup, and the broken 2004 TKOW King of the Jungle trophy.

The man, shadowed in darkness, stares at the flames in front of him, entranced by the fire. A leather vest is draped over the pile of weapons. He is leaning back, his head resting on his fist. He speaks, softly but with the conviction only a storied career can bring.

This man. This legend. This Lord of Fire.

Your President.

Back where he belongs. Thrives. Awaiting the trials and tribulations which most certainly lie ahead as SWAT continues to grow and show the rest of the world one thing.

The fire still burns.

Phoenix: : One might look back over the past few months and wonder, just what is Phoenix doing? He's shutting down regions, he's tearing up contracts, he's battling the people that earn him money. He's putting himself anywhere, and everywhere, and by god people are NOTICING.

At the ACW Anniversary Show I had Alex Turner's contract laid bare and ready for the pyre. But there was no shortage of incompetent fools that put themselves in my way, time and time again, and in the bitter end, Timeless walked away with the renewed contract and entry into the Anzac Cup tournament and I just cannot wrap my head around it.

James Fierce, still sore from the beating I laid upon him a year ago in the name of a better wrestler, better dresser, better MAN, than he ever could be?

Kilroy Evans, onto his retirement, tossing me out of his locker room in throwback garb?

Roxy, the foolish female that wows the crowd and can't quite get a lock on me all these years later? Though, I might add, my better half-

Carpenter: Easily three quarters.

*Carpenter walks into the Pit, mask hooked to his belt, glancing casually around the structured chaos he knows all too well.*

Phoenix: : Silence, dog!

*The President leans forward as Carpenter chuckles, lenses in his mask shining in the fire. He holds up a cross, hanging around his neck on a dark red leather strap. This cross is a typical 't' shape, except modified to look like an artistic phoenix; the crossbar ends curving up into wings. The top is a diamond shape with carved eyes, the tip a beak. The bottom flared and carved as a tail.*

Phoenix: : Christian. You've been hounding me since your return. Haunting me, really. You've attacked me verbally, assaulted my person, insulted my work ethic, and sworn to take this company away from me. And I have got to tell you, Christian. You have earned my attention. And I, have earned your contract. But the path to this moment was fraught with obstacles. It required a bit of, old school thinking and planning, and dare I say it, prayer.

*He moves the cross in a blessing pattern, muttering indecipherably, before letting the cross fall back to his chest.

Phoenix: : Anyone who's followed my career knows that there was a year, when I, left the path of the righteous man and instead inspired the teachings of the Flame. I became, so much more, in this time, unrestricted by rules, not wrapped up in love, or hate, free of those, pesky emotional ties. I rose up and became more than I ever thought possible. Now me being me, that didn't last, didn't stay the course, because, I like being liked. I liked being the good guy. I liked doing the right thing.

What has doing the right thing gotten me in SWAT? What has it gotten my son? What has it gotten my brother? Laughed at. Lost regions, titles, paydays. Being on the losing side because the odds are always against a phoenix.

*Phoenix practically leaps out of his seat and we can see that the phoenix logo on his gears chest has a dark red cross sprayed through it. He kicks aside some junk, knocking a piece of the XWCW XTREME HEAVYWEIGHT OMG CHAMPION title into the fire. He tosses a box at Carpenter's head, the same box he had earlier when talking to Daniel Collins.*

Carpenter: Watch that shit!

*Carpenter stalks in as his brother turns back and gets in his face.*

Carpenter: Do NOT forget who brought you here.

Phoenix: : What I remember, is that we have work to do. You and I, the FreakAngels, need to cleanse this tournament of the vile trash, the sad, pathetic excuses for wrestlers who can't so much as speak their own names, the pissants that believe themselves to be GIANTS. Herrera. Frostbite. Lawson. RAVE. So much to do, so little time, and it starts with Mr Powerpoint himself, Hells Bouncer, and that lost in translation tag parter of his-

Carpenter: Yeah yeah Dravka I know. That's over. You missed it.

*Phoenix freezes mid-rant. His face slowly turns towards Carpenter's as his brother pulls out a pocketwatch and shows him the time.

And date.

A sound begins to exit the very soul of the President. A soulful wail, chilled to the bone; a plea so deep in it's resonance somewhere above them in the building Ace Scorpio suddenly pees himself. A painful defiance that reverberates through Attila Balan's metallic frame straight into the black non-heart of a STILL PUKING VVV.

Phoenix rips off his mask and stares dumbfounded at his tag partner.*

Phoenix: : What the hell do you mean?! I missed it?

Carpenter: Yup. You were busy setting all this *motions through the cavernous Pit* so I got your kid to join me. Carpenter and Dark Phoenix. FreakAngels 2.0.

*Phoenix starts to respond, stops, mouth agape, finger up, slowly retreats, then jumps again only to freeze once more and begin to fade before the third time is, as always, the charm...*

Phoenix: : Which one of you was the Angel?

Carpenter: You know I've always been the Angel. Freak.

Phoenix: : DAMMIT.

Carpenter: I gotta go. We got CSK and Turner coming up and the kid needs a little motivation.

*Carpenter doffs an invisible cap as he backs out, chuckling.

Darkly.

Leaving the President all alone in his pity Pit, contemplating just where he went wrong in life.

Pretty sure it was the fish tacos from the Industrial Pirate Cab.

Fin.*

[SWAT Team]

The camera fades in to CSK walking around the locker room with a towel around his neck and a bottle of water. You hear the sounds of Alex Turner going at it in the shower with clothes and towels all over the place. CSK rolls his eyes at all the moaning and shakes his head before tossing the water bottle against the door.

CSK: Not that I’m the type to say I TOLD YOU SO, but ….I TOLD YOU SO!

I told you years ago Soutter that can’t trust Jamie Fleece. Last year he turned on my best friend in the industry, this year he turns on Soutter. And the fans ask why? The boys in the back ask why? I WILL TELL YOU WHY!

Jamie Fleece turning on people IS THE ONLY WAY HE CAN STAY RELEVANT IN THIS INDUSTRY! Thank your lucky stars you old time son of a bitch! Phoenix owns my contract and my career is all but over. I would hunt you down, I would burn your entire body and not just your shitty beard. I WOULD MAKE YOU MARCUS'S BITCH!

WHOEVER IS STUPID ENOUGH TO ALIGN THEMSELVES WITH JAMIE FLEECE WATCH YOUR BACK! He’ll fuck you over at the 2019 Anzac Cup. But enough talking about someone who has NO RELEVANCY anymore. The Hillbilly possum is expired and past his prime. Speaking of past their prime…..

Louder moaning is heard as CSK bangs his head against a wall and shakes his head. He throws the towel off from around his neck and kicks a chair that’s in the way.

CSK: CONGRATS BITCHES!!! Oh, I’m sorry Freak Angels. No surprise that you’ve advanced and Phoenix thinks he’s ohhhh so fucking clever. You set the brackets up this way on purpose! You want to steal one more moment from my career on my way out the door.

I DON’T THINK SO SUNSHINE!

I may not get another shot at the ACW title, or another moment of glory in ACW. My career may be over, my life ruined. But this is my swan song! Fuck funny business, fuck better than sex. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE MATCH OF THE SECOND ROUND! Because I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE!

After this cup I have nothing more to offer, I have no more chances. I don’t give a shit if I have to face the freak angels 2 on 1. I WILL WIN THIS MATCH! I will go on to face the limp dick noodle express, I will advance to the finals, and I WILL face Better Than Sex, and I WILL WIN!

THIS IS MY MOMENT OF GLORY! THIS IS MY FINAL HURRAH! THIS IS MY GOING AWAY PARTY! THIS IS AND WILL BE MY FUCKING HAPPY ENDING!

You fucked me over against Dark Phoenix you rat bastard. I had him BEAT CLEANLY! But you restarted the match, and I had him beat again and you restarted the match. And then you fucked me! This isn’t about the KGB anymore. Fleece killed that off. This is about my moment of redemption. When I lost in the finals of the International tournament to Dark Phoenix, was I ever given a rematch? HELL FUCKING NO I WASN’T!!!

I SKATED TO THE FINALS AND LOST and I can live with that! But you went out of your fucking way to make sure I would never get a rematch for that title. Now you sit around here pushing your weight around, playing God with everyone’s lives and careers. Congrats again for taking my contract. YOU DID NOT EARN IT, YOU STOLE IT!

I want you to remember the days of the Messiah. I want you to remember the insanity of Pagan. I want you to think about the violence of Sedated. I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT MY ENTIRE CAREER AND MY ENTIRE PAST!

You are NOT getting CHRISTIAN SEBASTIAN KENNEDY in this match. OH HELL NO! You are getting EVERY inner demon that’s ever lived inside of me. You are going to face every voice that’s ever existed in my head. Every dirty deed, mother fucker for you this is a no win situation, THERE IS NO WAY OUT!

YOU WILL FALL, YOU WILL LOSE! And if you escape with a win…….I WILL BREAK YOUR FUCKING NECK! I promise with EVERYTHING inside of me. ALEX TURNER AND I WILL WIN OR…………..

I WILL END YOUR FUCKING CAREER IN THIS MATCH!

I will see you stretchered out, I will end your career, I will end your holy terror. Your time is up, there is no where to hide. Blowing mist in your face to help Alex GAIN BACK A CONTRACT HE RIGHTFULLY DESERVED did not warrant you stealing my career!

I will haunt you…………..I will hurt you……………I will break you…………

I am the ULTIMATE MESSIAH

I am the POWERFUL PAGAN

I AM THE SINFUL SEDATED

But most of all President Phoenix

I AM CHRISTIANNNNNNN

MOTHER FUCKING SEBASTIANNNNN

KENNEDY!

Let me ask you one final question………..

Christian pulls something out of his locker room bag and slices his forehead open as he begins to bleed. As the blood runs down his face and into his mouth he smiles so show the teeth dripping blood as he slaps himself across the face.

CSK: ARE YOU READY FOR ONE MORE BATTLE THAT WILL END IN THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF HELL? I hope your presidency was worth stripping me of my career. I have nothing to lose and there is nothing more dangerous then a man fighting for his life when he’s hit rock bottom!

SEE YOU IN HELL MY FRIEND!

The camera fades out with CSK ripping the shower curtain down and throwing a towel to Alex and his company. Before storming out the door with a cell phone in hand.

[SWAT Team]

#S-P-I-R-I-T
#SPIRIT LET'S HEAR IT!
#S-P-I-R-I-T
#SPIRIT LET'S HEAR IT! LET'S GO!

The cheerleading intro to "Happy Song" as performed by Bring Me The Horizon begins to play as the letters and words pop on the screen in unison to the lyrics and the as the guitars kick in the name face of "Painkiller" Lara Bratton explodes onto the screen.

After a few long moments of the song playing, Lara steps through the curtain. She has a cane she has slung over one shoulder as she skips down the aisle as the chorus comes into to play.

#If I sing along a little fucking louder
#To a happy song, I'll be alright

She continues to prance her way down the aisle. She's dressed in a shredded leather jacket with a dirty t-shirt underneath along with a pair of old, worn jean shorts. She has long sports sock and disappear down into her large steel toed shoes. She does have a slightly smaller frame, a bit smaller than most of her female wrestling counterparts. Her hair is a bit disheveled and a sloppy looking braid comes out the back of her head. Her face is painted white, which mascara tears that roll down her cheek, though she seems to be all smiles today as she twirls her cane and makes her way up the steps and into the ring.

She walks over and takes a ring microphone from the ring announcer and as her music finally fades out, she speaks into the microphone.

"Well, hello everybody!"

The crowd doesn't seem too pleased to see the prankster in the ring. "My name is Lara Bratton, also known as Painkiller. And I'm /so/ happy to be here!" Perhaps a bit of sarcasm on her part coming through. She leans against her cane as she takes a circle so she can see the crowd.

"Unfortunately, I didn't get to properly introduce myself to everyone at the last No Man's Land because I was too busy putting my knee into the side of Avery McCullen's face..." The boos begin to rain down at the mention of that incident. "And then security wanted to chase me out of the arena for some odd reason, but no worries fan-boys because I got a freshly minted contract to compete in SWAT Amazons starting tonight! Ain't that great?"

A "That ain't great!" chant begins to pick up steam in the arena. "Well, what do you know? You just wait. I'll be running this place very soon. Speaking of Avery McCullen, I find it very sad that she didn't want to compete here tonight. I was looking forward to smashing her temple again with my knee. I don't think she enjoyed the special attention I gave to her. I picked her out all special like and she doesn't appreciate me at all!" She lets the cane lean against her thigh as she brings her arms up and crosses them in front of her and gives a little pout.

"It ain't fun when no one wants to play with you..."

The crowd seems to notice something as a dull roar turns into something louder. "I know, right! She's a real spoil sport..." Suddenly, the camera picks up Avery McCullen coming in from the crowd and sliding into the ring behind Lara as the crowd picks up the chant, "Avery's gonna kill you!"

"Ha! Ha! Ha! That ain't funny! Ya'll know she ain't here tonight. She had 'more important' things to do like run away from Lara..." Avery grabs Lara by the shoulder and spins her around and Lara immediately falls back onto her ass and rolls out of the ring and begins to run up the aisle and Avery runs out after her.

Lara gets to the top of the ramp and turns around and takes a wild swing with her cane that Avery ducks and then spears Lara onto the floor. A "beat her ass" chant begins to fill the arena as Avery gets to her feet and reaches down to grab a handful of Lara's braid when Lara kicks at her with her boot and backs up, trying to scamper away on her hands and knees.

Avery reaches out and grabs a boot, pulling Lara back towards her but Lara's boot comes off her foot and she runs towards the back. Avery curses under her breath and runs after Lara as the screens light up with the action that's occurring in the back. Avery finally tackles Lara from behind and begins to rain down punches onto the Painkiller and Lara gets her arms up to try and block them as officials come up and begin to try and pull Avery off of Lara. "Get her offa me!"

Avery is pulled back and Lara gets to her feet and touches the side of her cheek and leans forward and blows her yellow mist from her mouth, but Avery ducks and an official gets the mist right in the face as he screams and grabs at his face. Avery narrows her eyes and hauls back and nails Lara right in the face with a punch that sends her against a large dumpster.

She moves in on Lara and Lara with her one boot, kicks Avery in the knee and Avery crashes against the dumpster. "I'll show you," cries Lara as she charges in but Avery back body drops Lara who flies up and into the dumpster, as more officials come over and try to get Avery away from the scene.

Avery: LET ME GO! If she wants me, then I'll give her a chance! Next show... You and me in a bar room brawl! What do you say? Unless you're too much of a chicken shit?

She tries to pull away from security, as some of the officials start to pull Lara out of the dumpster.

Lara tumbles of the dumpster as official move around her to keep her from Avery as well, "You want a bar fight, you got a bar fight."

[SWAT Team]

Returning to the Anzap Cup, Kathleen Park and Michelle Williams are standing by.

Kathleen Parks: We're back at the Anzac Cup and we're heading down to the ring for some more Amazon actions. We will definately get back to the Cup but we have to determine a new number one contender for the next No Man's Land...

Michelle Williams: Looks like we have company...

Taking a seat next to the broadcast team, Delilah Strain makes an entrance.

Delilah Strain: I hope everyone is enjoying their evening. Before we get on with this match, we all saw the confrontation between Avery McCullen and Lara Bratton here tonight. So, scheduled for the next No Man's Land, we will have a bar room brawl between the two and perhaps we can get this settled once and for all.

Michelle: That's a great call, boss. Glad to see things getting back on track here.

Delilah: Well, thank you. And on that note, both Lara Bratton and Avery McCullen are no longer going to be competing in the scramble match tonight.

Kathleen: I was just about to ask you about that. We have seven top women here in Amazons and we need to head down to the ring to get this match underway.

Frank Salazar: This match is a one fall scramble match. The first Amazon to gain a pinfall is the winner and will receive an Amazon Championship match at the next No Man's Land. Here are your participants: Pandora Barrett! Victoria! Tornado Red! Jade and Kim, The Hired Killers! Your Pan Amazons Champion Olympia and finally Wildcat Lynn Brewster!

Kathleen: And there's the bell. So, Ms. Strain, your grudge against Alice is over?

Delilah: Don't make me laugh. I never had a grudge against Alice. However, she didn't really endear herself to those other competitors in the locker room and I needed everyone to know it was an even playing field now that I'm in charge. Now that it's all been settled, we're back to business as usual.

Michelle: Well, we have a seven woman scramble match in the ring and The Hired Killers are going after Tornado Red, Pandora Barrett who is visiting us here has targeted our Pan Amazons Champion Olympia and Lynn Brewster is locking up with Victoria.

Kathleen: The Hired Killers just clotheslined Tornado Red out of the ring and they are going after her, while Brewster is exchanging punches with Victoria. Olympia has Barrett up with a big slam down on to the mat and she goes for a cover, but barely even a one count and Pandora kicks out.

Michelle: It's a good strategy though, because the first person to get a pinfall here will be the winner and will be facing Lucky Linda on the next No Man's Land show. The Killers just rammed Red into the ringpost and then slid back in the ring and are ambusing Lynn Brewster who just dispatched Victoria out of the ring.

Kathleen: Olympia with a belly to back suplex on Pandora, but Pandora flips all the way over and lands on her feet. She just stomps on the face of Olympia now and she covers, but again not even a one count. Pandora pulls up Olympia and drapes neck over the top rope and begins to choke her.

Michelle: Victoria walks around the outside and she sees Red slowly getting to her feet and she runs over and clotheslines her down to the floor. She pulls up Red and whips her towards the apron and but Red reverses and Victoria hits the apron herself. Red charges in and clotheslines Victoria over the guardrailing and into the crowd. Red hops up onto the railing and leaps off onto Victoria who spins it around into a powerslam onto the first row of chairs now that those around have scattered.

Kathleen: Olympia off the ropes inside the ring and she comes off with a flying crossbody on Pandora, but Pandora ducks and Olympia hits Lynn Brewster for a cover.

One.

Pandora drops the hammer on Olympia, breaking the count.

Michelle: Pandora grabs Olympia by the hair and drags her over to the ropes and slides under and begins to choke Olympia on the bottom rope. The Hired Killers go back to work on Brewster, double teaming the Wildcat. Jade pulls up Lynn and holds her while Kim comes off the ropes and Lynn ducks, as Kim nails Jade. Pandora releases Olympia from the choke and slides back into the ring.

Kathleen: Outside, Tornado Red just nailed Victoria with a steel chair and then pushed her back over the guardrailing to ringside and then leaps over the railing herself. She grabs Victoria by the hair and rolls her into the ring and slides in as well. She whips Victoria across the ring and then charges across, but Victoria raises a leg and Red eats her foot. Victoria grabs her and flips her over the top rope and to the floor.

Michelle: Victoria is going to the top rope and leaps, but Red moves and Victoria eats the guardrailing!

Kathleen: Lynn Brewster just backdropped Jade out of the ring, and Kim just raked her eyes. Kim with a whip, but Lynn reverses it and clotheslines Kim out of the ring as well. On the other side of the ring, Pandora drives a knee into the midsection of Olympia and then pushes her into the corner and climbs up and begins to rain down right hands onto the forehead of Olympia.

Michelle: Hold on, Olympia just dumped Pandora over the top and she crashes to the floor outside. This leaves Olympia and Lynn Brewster in the ring. I've been looking forward to seeing these two hook it up. Lynn off the ropes and she bumps into Olympia who doesn't move. Now Olympia off the ropes and the same, as she bumps into Lynn.

Kathleen: Both off the ropes, but no! Tornado Red trips Lynn and pulls her out of the ring and Victoria tripped Olympia and pulled her out of the ring. Victoria and Tornado slide into the ring and begin to hammer each other, but they are jumped by the Hired Killers. Kim kicks Tornado and then lifts up Victoria.

Michelle: Jade off the ropes and clotheslines Victoria. They turn their attention to Tornado Red. Jade pulls up Red and lifts her up into a piledriver position. Kim scrambles to the top and jumps.

Michelle: Hired Killed with a Spiked Piledriver on Tornado Red, but over in the opposite corner, Olympia has the Golden Lock on Victoria and it looks like she's about to tap out! Jade runs over and grabs Olympia by the hair and pull her up and throws her out of the ring and she lands right on top of Lynn Brewster! Jade goes for a cover on Victoria.

Kathleen: Wait a second because Kim has just covered Red and the referee is counting!

One.





Two.





Three!

The bell rings.

Kathleen: What just happened? Who won the match?

Delilah: If you'll excuse me, I need to go see what this is all about.

Delilah heads down to the ringside area where the referee is conferring with the ring announcer and Delilah joins them. The referee explains what happen and she nods and then she turns to the ring announce and the referee and they both nod.

Frank Salazar: The winner of the match and the new number one contenders for the Amazons Championship, Kim and Jade, The Hired Killers!

The Hired Killers seem very pleased with that announcement as the referee raises their hands, but Delilah takes the microphone.

Delilah: Before there is any confusion, on the next No Man's Land show, the main event will feature a three way match for the Amazons Championship. Champion Lucky Linda will defend against Jade and against Kim. However, one rule of three way matches I have never approved of is the rule that allows a title to change hands even if the champion is not pinned. So, I'm placing the following stipulation on the match. In order to win the match, Jade or Kim must pin the champion, Lucky Linda. Lucky Linda only needs to pin one of the Hired Killers to win the match. If Jade pins Kim or vice versa, the match is over but no title changes hands.

Kathleen: What an announcement by GM Delilah Strain. We have a main event for our next No Man's Land show, plus a bar room brawl pitting Lara Bratton against Avery McCullen. I'm sure there will be more matches announced, but with that -- that concludes our contribution to the Anzac Cup. We will see you at the next No Man's Land.

[SWAT Team]

JEREMY TUCKER We've reached the second round fans, which kicks off with a pairing that MANY thought would be the finals. In fact, I think we should just declare the winner of this match the Anzac Cup winners, and if they lose it to someone else later in the night so be it.

ANDREW FULTON: The last episode of ACW Turmoil ended with Beelzebozo being betrayed by his manager the Anonymoose - who was revealed to be the grandson of Vile "Vince" Viper, Spike Nelson. Viper and Nelson - Better Than Sex - then proceeded to beat the hell out of the ACW champion, before standing triumphant over the team they are about to meet, Funny Business. ....I don't know if I've said it yet in this broadcast Jeremy, but I'm really glad we only handle the big shows.

JEREMY TUCKER: Definitely bad blood spilling over from Atlantic Coast... and a rematch between the finalists of our 2018 royal rumble. That night Viper came out on top over Funny Business, but can he repeat it this evening?

ANDREW FULTON: Funny Business might have been the favorites to take this tournament, but after that first hellacious match against the KGB? Viper and Nelson are comparatively fresh.

JEREMY TUCKER: It should be noted that Viper FORCED Funny Business to defend their TWINSTAR tag titles 18 times earlier today at a Backyard event... so this is actually there TWENTIETH match of the day for Balan and Friendly.

ANDREW FULTON: Jesus.

JEREMY TUCKER: I don't know how they're still going.

ANDREW FULTON: I meant there still being backyard shows... but the fact that Funny Business can still go after wrestling nineteen times is also DAMN impressive. Are they even human?

JEREMY TUCKER: Well Balan is apparently a robot.

The opening to White Zombie's More Human Than Human starts to pump over the loud speakers, the house lights dimming as a woman moans loudly.

Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest kicks off the SECOND ROUND of ANZAC ACTION!!!! Entering first...

The moaning quickly stops, a scratching sound cutting to the Teddybear's Cobrastyle, as white fireworks explode from the entranceway. As the house lights come up, there are a dozen exhibitionists in snake body paint on stage contorting around explicitly enough for the pay per view broadcaster to drop SWAT, but managing to cover all the naughty bits up so as to not get this segments designer in trouble. ...suck it.

Frank Salazar: ...christ. Um. Yeah. Please put your hands together in welcoming...

BETTER
THAN
SEX
WITH
VILE VINCE VIPER
AND
SIMPLY AMAZING SPIKE NELSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the announcement of Better Than Sex, some orange fireworks explode, causing all the snake models to stop their lewd exchanges. Spike Nelson dives through the entrance curtains in sync with a second round of red fire works; while a subdued Vile "Vince" Viper calmly struts out in sync with the music. The snake models prance down the aisle, throwing flower petals at the feet of the greatest tag team of all time.

ANDREW FULTON: That... that was quite the entrance.

JEREMY TUCKER: Just wait for Buster Friendly, he gives a child in the audience a balloon animal then bursts it with his cigar. It's always surprising.

Frank Salazar: And their opponents... entering first...

The lights go out and the opening fanfare of "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Julis Fucik starts to play. After the introduction, before the famous melody can begin, there is the sound of a record scratching, then the maniacal laughter that only an evil clown can produce fills the air. The laughter ends abruptly and there is a second of awkward, uncomfortable silence before "Halloween" (Celldweller remix) cuts through the quiet.

Red lights illuminate the entranceway and their are noticeable fumbling motions behind the curtain before Beelzebozo finally emerges from the back.

His ill-fitting suit looking like he slept in it the last three days, porkpie hat perched precariously on top of his shock of red hair, and lit cigar in his mouth, the Clown From Hell stumbles down the aisle, cursing at women, spitting at men, and threatening to backhand little kids that try to touch him.

His ever-present Sack slung over one hunched shoulder, the bag of mischief bulging from the vile treasures within, Beelzebozo shambles down to the ring.

ANDREW FULTON: Here comes the Atlantic Coast champ----Viper charging at him with a chair! Not waiting for it to get to the ring!

JEREMY TUCKER: Given Viper and Friendly's preference for weapons, it makes sense to do the bulk of the blood letting before the match starts, they don't want to risk a disqualification! FRIENDLY DUCKS THE CHAIRSHOT, AND POUNCES ON VIPER - CHOKING THE OLD MAN OUT ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!

ANDREW FULTON: Ramming Vile's head into the concrete as he does it, fortunately there are those flower petals to cushion the blow. ...they don't seem to be much of a cushion.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike trying to come to his grandfather's aid, but Beelzebozo just kicks him off with a BIG ASS clown shoe! The ACW champ's hatred for the Devil of SWAT is... well... scary.

Moving into the danger zone again, Spike places a handcuff on one of Beelzebozo's hands. What the hell is this? Buster Friendly lets go of Viper to slug his former manager, only to have the old man reach up and twist the arm around - handcuffing Beelzebozo's hands behind his back.

ANDREW FULTON: Viper coughing up blood from that vicious assault, but he's managed to handcuff the champion. The Industrial Man had better get out here fast!

Vile "Vince" Viper kicks Buster Friendly off of him, before pulling an iPhone out of his breast pocket. Spike Nelson tries to kick away at Buster, but mostly keeps his distance, as even without arms the clown can still use his teeth to chow on moose. "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp starts to pump over the PA system.

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with an iPhone, tries to grab Friendly's head, but Beelzebozo takes a chunk of flesh out of that claw with those rotting teeth of his. Viper with a Satanic strut!!! Here comes Attila Balan out of the back... hurry Balan!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Triple V cueing up... wait he wouldn't... Viper playing a Psychotic Goth promo on his phone, and Spike Nelson duct taping the phone to Beelzebozo's face-----FORCING HIM TO WATCH IT!

Beelzebozo: SWEET JESUS - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching up with the action takes Viper down with a lariat! The force sending the king of snakes 180 degrees through the air before crashing down on the concrete. Flower petals everywhere!

ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is biting his lip, trying to chew his own face off to get rid of that phone!

JEREMY TUCKER: Balan kicking Viper in the ribs to make sure he's down, then turning to help Buster... but here comes Spike Nelson, springboarding off the guardrail to hurricanrana I-Man onto the concrete!

Beelzebozo: You're killing me!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo stumbling around blindly, ramming his head into the guardrails and floor in an effort to break that iPhone. He doesn't care if the glass from the screen cutd his corneas into a fine paste, he welcomes it! Spike Nelson looks genuinely concerned for his former charge...

Beelzebozo: I QUIT! I QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly is tapping out... but the match hasn't started yet! If Better Than Sex had pulled this dangerous stunt inside the ring, they'd be advancing already!

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson is really conflicted about torturing Friendly this badly...

Vile "Vince" Viper: Hey Spike, we should see how many times we can kick Balan in the crotch in a row before his entrance music endsss!

Strict machine is still playing, and Spike Nelson is easily distracted. Completely forgetting about his friend Buster who recently tried to take his own life after watching MUCH LESS Psychotic Goth action than he is now, Spike gleefully starts kicking away.

#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#
#LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW# #LOW BLOW#

ANDREW FULTON: It's a good thing the International Champion is made out of metal, or that would DEFINITELY leave a mark.

Beelzebozo: FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Buster Friendly blindly charging down the aisle, stepping on Attila Balan's crotch in the process of running face first into the corner post. He may have knocked himself out. Spike Nelson using the guardrail to hit a moonsault on Balan, while Viper stomps on the International champion's throat. The crowd is not liking this at all.

ANDREW FULTON: They were angry at Balan for beating Soutter earlier, but Viper has made a SWAT career out of doing far worse to the Australian hero. Better Than Sex getting pelted with beer bottles... but just treating this like a fan's bring the weapons match - smashing the glass over The Industrial Man.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike's attention going back to the sobbing Buster Friendly. I... I have to say... I understand that Friendly had a traumatic feud that explains his current overreaction, but Psychotic Goth is one of our finest wrestlers.

To distract Spike from wanting to help the clown prince of chaos, VVV lifts up Attila Balan, encouraging his grandson to hit the old man's finisher. Bonding, yay!

ANDREW FULTON: Viper has Balan in a full nelson - and here comes Spike with the Satan's Stru--------------Balan leaning forwards pulls Viper into that swaggering eye gouge!

JEREMY TUCKER: That didn't look like Spike even hit the eyes, but Viper is selling it like death for his grandson! The first paternal thing he has EVER done, leading one to wonder if its not just to cover up the weaknesses of having an eye gouge for a finisher. But right now Viper seems more agonized than Beelzebozo...

ANDREW FULTON: Not that he is doing Spike any favors, as Balan takes the kid down with a short arm closeline!

JEREMY TUCKER: The International champion body slamming Spike spine first into the guardrail, before knocking him off it with a double axe handle chop! Viper clearly seeing Spike getting roughed up, NO SELLS his own finisher, charging in to the rescue!

*MASSIVE POP!!!*

JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan catching Viper with a SPINEBUSTER ONTO SPIKE! Nelson has been crushed like a bug!

ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex left in a pile...

*MASSIVE POP!!!*

JEREMY TUCKER: Attila Balan RIPPING A SLAB OF CONCRETE OUT OF THE FLOOR, and further pinning Better Than Sex to the floor! Spike looks dead.

Beelzebozo: ...the... horror... the... HORROR...

JEREMY TUCKER: Unable to ignore his partner's pleas for assistance, Attila Balan leaving the wreckage to check on Beelzebozo.

Buster Friendly is a bloody mess, his face swollen and bruised, not from the KGB match as much as from bashing it into guardrails trying to break the phone attached to his eyes. A plant in the audience hands Balan the CLAMPS OF DEATH.

ANDREW FULTON: Are those tinfoil covered cardboard...?

JEREMY TUCKER: The robot collecting his metal hands from the audience, USING THEM TO BREAK BEELZEBOZO'S HANDCUFFS!!!

ANDREW FULTON: He'd better hurry, here come Better Than Sex.

Brushing "concrete" off, Viper and Nelson limp up the aisle to the ring - only they try not to limp, as they are hard men who have mastered the art of NO SELLING.

JEREMY TUCKER: Simply Amazing and the King of Snakes trying not to acknowledge the fact that they've had part of the building dropped on them, but they aren't fooling anyone. That had to hurt.

ANDREW FULTON: Balan using those clamps to tear the duct tape off of the ACW champ's face... trying to gently remove the iPhone even as Beelzebozo attempts to claw out his own eyes.

Realizing they won't catch Funny Business in time, Viper and Spike slide into the ring instead. Outside, Balan pulls the iPhone off of Buster Friendly's face - tossing it away. The phone promptly explodes, choosing to take its own life after the horrors it has witnessed.

JEREMY TUCKER: Thank goodness! Attila Balan has rescued his partner...

ANDREW FULTON: Who's been reduced to a quivering mass... his brain turned to jello!

JEREMY TUCKER: And looking up to the ring, finds Better Than Sex w/Vile "Vince" Viper and Spike Nelson - striking a causal pose like they're waiting for him to start the match. Smiling like the cat who caught the canary. This is shaping up to be a handicap match. For the Atlantic Coast champion, the lights are on but there is nobody home.

ANDREW FULTON: Balan is forced to leave his partner - who is drooling on the apron like a vegetable - and take on these dangerous men in a handicap setting. Of course that means that the match is officially underway!

DING~! DING~~!! DING~~~!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Double dropkick to the crotch! Double fishhook. Eww. Balan gasping for air, while referee Horace Gold insists that one of the BTS members leaves the ring. Spike Nelson officially starting things off, and is THROWN halfway across the ring!

Catching himself with the ropes, Simply Amazing seems a little taken aback at the ease with which Balan threw him. Let's try that again.

ANDREW FULTON: Nelson charging in again, but Balan shoves him off, and almost sends the kid flying out of the ring!

JEREMY TUCKER: Third times a char---Spike had to grab the top rope to stay in there after that toss.

*WHISTLE*

From under the ring, VVV has produced a box of Popeye Sweet Crunch cereal! Spike Nelson slaps his hands together in in sheer bliss at this secret weapon! Christmas comes early! Except Vile still owes him a Christmas gift from 1989. An ecstatic Spike turns to point out his good fortune to The Industrial Man, only to realize the machine is moving in for the kill. Desperately needing the cereal to compete with the robot's steel strength, Spike darts over to his corner.

Spike Nelson: Will it have the same magical properties without milk, Grandpa?

Vile "Vince" Viper: Sure Spike. When they test these on rats, I don't think they worry about presentation or making it a well-balanced breakfast. Probably don't even give them a bowl.

Spike Nelson: They LET them use their hands?! Lucky rats.

Spike Nelson rolls out of the corner, narrowly missing an avalanche by The Industrial Man. Realizing that time is of the essence, Simply Amazing rips open the ancient box! With Balan hot on his heels, Spike Nelson runs around the ring, rolling, weaving, and sidestepping as he desperately forces down the dusty cereal.

ANDREW FULTON: This was supposed to be the most epic encounter of the tournament...

JEREMY TUCKER: It is. Spike accidentally inhaling some of the fistfuls of cereal he's shoved into his mouth, and choking on them! He's still desperately trying to run away from The Industrial Man but he's turning blue...

ANDREW FULTON: SPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Balan hitting Spike with such force he almost knocked him out of his damn boots... but he also forced him to cough up that questionable cereal, so he may have saved Spike's life... just in time for a cover...













ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
















TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








ANDREW FULTON: Spike kicks out, but that may have just been a convulsion from choking again. Pretty sure it wasn't a conscious attempt to keep the match going. He ate that whole box of cereal. Spike Nelson is already a winner in Spike Nelson's mind.

JEREMY TUCKER: Apparently after Better Than Sex broke up at the end of the 2009 Frank Marano Jr memorial, Spike took a sabbatical from wrestling to become a competitive eater.

ANDREW FULTON: Made America great again?

JEREMY TUCKER: Taking that sport seriously, Spike opted to compete on the Korean national team.

ANDREW FULTON: What a sell out. Balan going for the Parallel Computing, but Viper from the apron blinds him with white powder. Probably cocaine. He is obscenely generous with that stuff. Balan having a face full of cocaine should give Spike a chance to breath... uh... digest.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

*MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIVE POP*

Spike Nelson jumps up to his feet, his forearms have swollen up to three times their normal size.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson suffering from some form of extreme edema as a result of consuming that expired cereal.

ANDREW FULTON: But you wouldn't know he was having a serious medical reaction from looking at him... um... from looking at his face. Kid's smiling like he won the lottery.

JEREMY TUCKER: Convinced that corn flour, sugar, brown sugar, and partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil are as good for you as cartoon spinach, Spike Nelson is calling on The Industrial Man for a TEST OF STRENGTH!

ANDREW FULTON: Balan finally getting the powder out of his eyes, doesn't look too happy or buzzed, and I believe he's literally going to rip the bloated arms off that man-child's body.

Vile "Vince" Viper gives Spike the thumbs up.

JEREMY TUCKER: Criminally irresponsible for Viper to put his grandson in this position, but even if the kid is legally {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore}, he's a lot sharper than the bulk of our first round participants.

ANDREW FULTON: The Anzac Cup is really turning into the Special Olympics this year. There's the lock-up, and Balan immediately gets the advantage - no - Viper from behind with a razor sharp claw to the kidney!

JEREMY TUCKER: Balan almost blacking out from the pain, which is just what Spike needs to WIN THE TEST OF STRENGTH! Nelson backing Balan into their corner - and Viper choking I-Man from the apron while Spike celebrates like he's the strongest man alive.

SPIKE NELSON <trying to flex his medical emergency>: I AM THE STRONGEST MAN ALIVE!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Viper holding Balan in place as Spike goes to town with a series of grotesquely enlarged Popeye forearm shots. The two men wearing Balan down... now Spike charges in with a pele kick!

JEREMY TUCKER: Balan staggering out of the corner, and Spike off the ropes with a SPRINGBOARD DROPKICK!!! And there's the hook of the leg!













ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!















TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Balan throwing Spike off of him... while Viper tags himself in off the midair-flying Spike.

JEREMY TUCKER: Before Balan can get up, there's a thumb to the throat. Vile peppering down forearm smashes. Spike off the top with a somersault legdrop!!! But its Viper with the cover...










ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Balan grabs a handful of ropes, so Nelson off the top AGAIN with stomp to the arm! Yup. That'll do it.

JEREMY TUCKER: Balan looks like his arm is broken. While the referee tries to get Spike out, Viper claws the Industrial Man's face, before planting him in the center of the ring with a Tiger Driver. Kneedrop to the back. Now locking on a sharpshooter. Balan nowhere near the ropes, and can't count on Beelzebozo for assistance, as his partner seems to have slipped into a coma...

ANDREW FULTON: From the devastating effects of watching a Psychot---

JEREMY TUCKER: Yes, leave the reason out of it. Referee Horace Gold asking if Balan gives up, but I think Viper will have to break his spine before The Industrial Man gives in!

ANDREW FULTON: That can be arranged.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson coming off the top with a summersault kneedrop into Balan's exposed back. Viper hanging onto that sharpshooter, and here comes Nelson with the camel clutch! Just trying to break Balan in half! Gold giving Spike a five count to get out of there.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike exits as Viper lets go of the sharpshooter, only to immediately put on a Boston crab!

JEREMY TUCKER: And having beaten the five count, Spike races back in to throw on a crossface chickenwing! There is Gold with the five count again... 1... 2... 3... 4... Spike gets back out.

ANDREW FULTON: Yeah, because we can't have actual tag moves in our tag tournament.

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper positioning Balan back into their corner with a butterfly suplex, and standing on his throat as he tags Spike back in. Spike comes off the top with a senton... the two men scoop him up for... DOUBLE RELEASE TEXTBOOK SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!

Both men lift Balan up in the air for a standard textbook suplex, then just release it, casually walking away as he falls awkwardly to the canvas. The jeers are massive.

ANDREW FULTON: That was wonderful! Viper out, and Spike calling for the JERSEY DEVIL SPIKE!!! The Industrial Man has taken a lot of abuse, effectively wrestling this contest by himself, and you have to believe that this will put the champions out of the contest.

JEREMY TUCKER: SPIKE GOING UP TOP------------ AND HERE IT IS!!!!!!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

ANDREW FULTON: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: JUST AS SPIKE WAS ABOUT TO HIT THE JERSEY DEVIL - BUSTER FRIENDLY RAN IN, WITH A CLOWN SHOE THRUST KICK TO THE HEAD OF THE MIDAIR SPIKE!!! SPIKE'S JAW COULD BE BROKEN!!!

ANDREW FULTON: HIS JAW IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE POPEYE'S TOO!

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper charging in, but Beelzebozo taking him down with a drop toehold INTO his grandson! Viper jumping back up - and AGAIN taking a toehold that sends him crashing into Spike! The Clown Prince of Chaos mounting the DEVIL of SWAT, and just peppering down with brutal right hands!

ANDREW FULTON: Between making Funny Business wrestle seventeen matches in a row earlier today, right before the tournament started, and turning this into a handicap match with that torturous phone spot, Viper tried to scheme his way to victory - but he's facing the full fury of Friendly! All the nefarious plots in the world aren't going to save him from this beating!

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper a bloody mess, while Gold tries to get the illegal men out of there.

ANDREW FULTON: A barely there Industrial Man managing to get an arm over the legal Spike... HERE WE GO!

















ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





















TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



















THREE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????








JEREMY TUCKER: Spike managing to kickout! Though that might have just been his prone body bouncing off the canvas from the force of Viper's head being driven into the mat.

ANDREW FULTON: Viper so covered in blood he’s slippery, managing to slither away!

JEREMY TUCKER: NO! Beelzebozo catches him by the snakeskin coat - he's not through with the cheap heat machine! Viper scrambling to get out of there... in such a hurry he leaves half his jacket with Friendly while falling face first on the floor.

ANDREW FULTON: Beelzebozo trying to follow the old man out, but stops to avoid a face full of that deadly black venom.

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper Grabbing a barbwire laced baseball bat out from under the ring to protect himself, while Beelzebozo turns to check on his partner.

ANDREW FULTON: Buster Friendly helping Balan to the corner... for all the epic wars these two have had in SWAT over the past six months, its easy to forget that they were the backyard tag champions that entire time.

JEREMY TUCKER: Only losing for the very first time today, after defeating forty men over the period of three hours. It doesn't look like their will be a second loss this evening, as Friendly tags himself in.

ANDREW FULTON: Buster the legal man, coming face to face with his former manager...

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike offering a handshake... and tasting a hand buzzer for his attempt at good sportsmanship.

Beelzebozo laughs at the former Anonymoose. There is a first time for everything.

JEREMY TUCKER: Now Spike reaching into his boot and pulling out... another iPhone! Beelzebozo looks terrified!

Spike Nelson laughs, made you flinch!

JEREMY TUCKER: A furious Beelzebozo slaps the iPhone out of Spike's hand, pulling him into a side headlock... and he's STILL wearing that hand buzzer.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike shoves him into the ropes, and both men roll back, but Nelson reverses out of that headlock, and shoves Buster's loaded hand into the clown's back!

Beelzebozo howls like goofy.

JEREMY TUCKER: After tasting his own prop-----Buster with a bicycle kick of his own - which really shouldn't work, except that his clown shoes give his reach an extra two feet. The force knocks Spike back into the ropes. Throwing away the hand buzzer, Beelzebozo charges in with a...

ANDREW FULTON: *KNEESLAPPER*

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JEREMY TUCKER: But the Backyard U-10 champion catches him with the SWEET SHIN MUSIC! Spike still took the bulk of that knee to the groin, but what can you do.

Holding his crotch in agony, Spike Nelson starts to stagger around, while a few feet away Beelzebozo limps around with his pained ankle.

JEREMY FULTON: The two men slowly shuffling towards each other... Beelzebozo with his SUPERMAN PUNCH!!!!!!!! WHILE SPIKE GOES FOR A SUPERKICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BOTH CONNECT!

ANDREW FULTON: Spike stumbles back into the ropes, then falls forwards onto Buster for the pin...









ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Buster shoves Spike off of him, not having had proper time to celebrate his super man punch. Now goes back to celebrating it - but Nelson pulls him into an inside cradle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!













TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!














THREE-----------------------------------------------------------------

ANDREW FULTON: BIG KICKOUT! And Buster immediately takes Spike down with a short arm closeline... the impact of a rolling kneedrop rolls Simply Amazing over, exposing the back for...

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JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY!!!!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: INDUSTRIAL MAN ENTERING THE RING TO CUT VIPER OFF! MAKING SURE THAT VIPER CAN'T MAKE THE SAVE AS SPIKE IS BEING CHOKED WORSE THAN HE DID EARLIER ON THAT CEREAL!!!! THIS IS IT JEREMY!

JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY - AND SPIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WITH NOWHERE TO GO!!! ALL VIPER CAN DO IS CURSE FUNNY BUSINESS FROM THE OUTSIDE!!!!

Vile "Vince" Viper: Losssssssssssse something?

TripleV throws a fireball up in the air to get Funny Business attention. He calmly holds up a yellowed envelope.

ANDREW FULTON: What is he playing at?

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with a microphone from the apron, holding up an envelope. I don't know what it is, but Beelzebozo just let go of the whisky lullaby, and is charging towards him.

VVV shoots another fireball up in the air, this one EXTREMELY close to the ancient letter.

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...Not so fassst. Just because you were careless enough to lose this, doesn't mean I'll do the same.

A camera close-up reveals Buster's name written on the old letter.

JEREMY TUCKER: Our producers have informed me, that THAT is a letter to Buster from his father, never opened, that was stolen from clown prince of chaos' bag of tricks during the Helloween Cup finals by backyard sleaze ZORK Nontext. Everyone involved was hoping that loose plot thread would never come back, but here we are...

Vile “Vince” Viper: You want it... prove it... <pointing at Balan> take him offline.

*MASSIVE JEERS*

JEREMY TUCKER: UNBELIEVABLE!

ANDREW FULTON: Looks like Viper still has one scheme left up his sleeve.

JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo refusing to attack his partner, spitting at Viper to burn it...

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JEREMY TUCKER: SO ATTILA BALAN SLUGS BUSTER! The Industrial Man knows how important that letter is to his partner, forcing Friendly to act out Viper's malevolent will! What a wonderful mechanical man who is a friend to all but hates nature!!!

Marketing.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike Nelson rolling out of the ring, and Viper cackling like a hyena, as Funny Business EXPLODES!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Their Helloween Cup match was the 2017 match of the year, but every time these two cross paths its absolute insanity. Beelzebozo goes for the PUNCH LINE, but Industrial Man counters it into an ipponzei - they know each other so well... and... wait...

*THUD*

JEREMY TUCKER: I hope you're happy with yourself.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Immensely.

JEREMY TUCKER: Fans we've been joined on commentary by one of the participants, Triple V.

*THUD*

JEREMY TUCKER: Not you too...

SPIKE NELSON: I didn't want to be left out.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Pay no notice to him Spike, Tucker here is just jealous that we're setting a new standard in awesomeness for wrestling commentary, just as we've revolutionized tagging.

ANDREW FULTON: Getting other people to wrestle your matches for you is definitely a step in the right direction.

JEREMY TUCKER: ATTILA BALAN GOES FOR THE UPLOAD ERROR, BUT BEELZEBOZO MANAGES TO TURN IT INTO---

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Please Jeremy, WE'VE got this.

JEREMY TUCKER: ...

ANDREW FULTON: ...

SPIKE NELSON: ...

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Besides if those moronic bores Team Fairtex can do color commentary, completely looking past their REAL competition to scout the FreakAngels, when they're DEFINITELY going down in the next round, why can't me and Spike do the same in our own match?

JEREMY TUCKER: But aren't you going to call the match?

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: We'll give it the proper ressspect. Spike?

SPIKE NELSON: SCARAMOUCHE!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I sure did. He fell harder than SSSWAT did that time they put their faith in Noodle Incident to do right by the fed after being pushed to the fucking moon. Ssspeaking of which... that is some seething negativity right there! Trolling made easssy. Its like Eric Dane is the living embodiment of the babysitters club, trying to give guys eating disorders with a steady stream of that old high school drama slash hate combined with pithy observation humour... ssso his opponents will be too weak from bulimia to put up a real fight. Actually... that's not half bad... Spike make a note of it.

SPIKE NELSON: I'm already there! That cereal isn't sitting too well.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: NOT US! WE SHOULD ENCOURAGE OTHERS TO PUKE!

ANDREW FULTON: Eric Dane would say you already are.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Et tu, Andy?

JEREMY TUCKER: Are you going to show your victims in the ring, the respect they deserve by at least describing the brutal exchanges that you have demanded, these two are really killing each other in there. This is OFF THE CHARTS. So will you call it, or are you going to sit there and take jabs at the other teams?

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people have eyes. Hell it's the 2018 match of the year in the ring right now. We all know it. But do people know that all of the Ssshootfighter'sss offssspring have a touch of the downsss? Don't let their idiot savant knowledge of moves that don't connect to each other fool you, they aren't to be bred with, even if one of them claims to be SSSWAT'sss handsomest face... but does little else to promote his raging ego, because he'sss ssshallow and one dimensional but not in a way that supports the claim. Where was I? OH yeah! The fans don't need me to call the action! We can all see CSK in the centre of the ring, pounding away at Blood Brother number two's ass with a passion that suggests we might be looking at the next member of KGB! CSK with a reach around... countered with what we will politely refer to as a hip attack... CSK not deterred tries to reach around again...

JEREMY TUCKER: CSK is not in this match.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Then who is THAT guy?

JEREMY TUCKER: INDUSTRIAL MAN... who you're currently in a match against...

VILE "VINCE" VIEPR: Everything I learned about color commentating I learned from Team Fairtex. I mean, I think The Family all look alike, but you shouldn't say it...

JEREMY TUCKER: Even if your not going to call it properly, and turn it into some sort of homoerotic fantasy, at least get the names right.

*CONTINUOUS HUGE REACTIONS FOR THE MOTY GOING ON IN THE RING THAT IS TOTALLY BEING IGNORED ON COMMENTARY*

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: The people know who is in there. They can sssee what's going on in the ring... that is... unless they're blind, which would be hilarious. Blind people are funny. So instead I'm going to focus on telling everyone how gay Brocode is.

JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo with a---

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY!

ANDREW FULTON: How gay are they, Vile?

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: BROCODE IS SO GAY THAT TURNERS' BEARD ROXY ONCE----

SPIKE NELSON: CHIMICHONGA WHAT A MOVE!

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: Good call, Spike!

JEREMY TUCKER: HMPH.

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: I like how Fierce was so disssgusssted with Sssoutter he left him to die, but even KNOWING that, neither of them wanted to team with CSSSK instead. "I’d rather ssshoot myssself in the foot teaming with the giant Australian douche than be seen near CSK." How sad is Chr----------NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SWAT Team]

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A well-placed Industrial Pollution sees I-Man toss Beelzebozo into the commentator's table, wiping it and Better Than Sex out.

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Pieces of table sticking out of his midsection, a bloody Beelzebozo reaches a grisly hand out to snatch his letter back.

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Viper tries to toss a fireball at the letter, but Beelzebozo pulls it away. Another. Another. The two emerge from the table, chaining together a sequence of Buster Friendly moving his hand away or covering up with his back from Viper's dozen fireballs.

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The Industrial Man pulls Spike out of the wreckage of the table. Simply Amazing starts to thank him for his kindness, only to have Balan toss Nelson into the steel steps.

*BUMP*

ANDREW FULTON: s o it o ose rons an ear m n he me?

SPIKE NELSON: LOUD AND CLEAR! Oh... I have to go.

JEREMY TUCKER: Y- there. Yes, I can. We're back. Sorry fans, but in an effort to thwart Viper's plan, the announce position took quite the beating. Viper chasing Beelzebozo back into the ring, while Attila Balan throws around Spike Nelson on the outside!

ANDREW FULTON: As Viper enters the ring, Beelzebozo takes him down with a side Russian legsweep! Stashing that letter in a coat pocket, the clown starts stabbing away at the old man with a foreign object.

JEREMY TUCKER: Industrial Man with the UPLOAD ERROR!!! But Spike lands on his feet... and catches the larger man with a SUPERKICK! Balan refusing to go down so Spike hits him with... what else... another SUPERKICK!!! That knocked the International Champion back into the guardrail. A third SUPERKICK sends Attila Balan crashing over into the crowd.

ANDREW FULTON: In the ring, Buster Friendly with THE PUNCHLINE!!!!!! There's the cover...









ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!













TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike Nelson reaching under the bottom rope, yanks Beelzebozo's foot to break the pin.

ANDREW FULTON: And eats a clown shoe to the face! Force sends Spike back into the guardrail, where he narrowly misses a Balan mechanized closeline - managing to matrix under it at the last minute.

JEREMY TUCKER: Those are some reflexes! Balan turning back to Nelson only to eat another superkick! Meanwhile, inside the ring, Beelzebozo sends Viper into the corner with a...

ANDREW FULTON: CLOWN CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!














ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!














TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
















THREE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper managing to find the ropes. Outside, Spike Nelson dropkicking a broken piece of the announce table into Attila Balan's face. Placing his head against the corner post- and SUPERKICK------IS SIDE STEPPED BY BALAN! Spike Nelson could have broken his foot on that post!

ANDREW FULTON: WAIT HERE----- BEELZEBOZO FIRES VIPER IN FOR ANOTHER CLOWN CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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JEREMY TUCKER: Viper puts the breaks on------CRESCENT MOON KILLER!!!

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ANDREW FULTON: IS CAUGHT BY BEELZEBOZO BEFORE THE KNEE CAN CONNE-----

JEREMY TUCKER: SITOUT PILEDRIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! VIPER'S NECK LOOKS BROKEN! MY GOD WHAT A NASTY FALL!!!

ANDREW FULTON: BUSTER HANGING ON FOR THE PIN------------
















ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


















TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

















THREE-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
















THREE???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

JEREMY TUCKER: SPIKE NELSON AGAIN MANAGES TO PUT VIPER'S FOOT ON THE ROPES!!!

ANDREW FULTON: Given how badly Viper's feet are twitching right now, I don't think his grandson did him any favors.

Pulling Nelson away from the ring, The Industrial Man proceeds to fireman's carry him into the steel steps.

ANDREW FULTON: Outside the ring, Attila Balan tossing Spike Nelson around like a rag doll, but inside.... a frustrated Buster... are we... yes...

JEREMY TUCKER: WHISKY LULLABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While barely conscious, Viper starts to grasp frantically around as the vicious sleeper is applied.

ANDREW FULTON: Whisky Lullaby, and Viper's only chance is if Spike can save him a third time! But Nelson is currently being tossed around on the floor. Funny Business has done it!

JEREMY TUCKER: On the floor, Attila Balan standing over Spike Nelson and doing THE ROBOT!!! Why not? Its actually distracting Spike from being any use! Buster has this won - celebrate! But wait... here comes Spike spinning up to his feet... break dancing!

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ANDREW FULTON: DANCE OFF!

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HORACE GOLD: DO YOU QUIT?

VILE "VINCE" VIPER: FUCK YO---urgh----uck you!

In the ring, Viper tries to spit black venom at the referee, but has nowhere to go and is slowly turning purple. Impressive for an albino.

Flashbulbs start going off throughout the arena, as the crowd anticipates the finish.

Outside the ring, Spike Nelson is blissfully unaware of his grandfather's horrible fate, busting out some STEP UP 3 quality choreography.

JEREMY TUCKER: THE ROBOT VERSUS ELECTRIC BOOGALOO! IT COULD ONLY END THIS WAY!

ANDREW FULTON: Spike slowly spinning himself around on the ground, not doing quite full rotations, so has to push along. Balan stiffening up as he drops his arms then raises them, imitating a slow mechanical motion. I honestly can't tell which is better.

Is this how it all ends?

Reaching into his breast pocket... Viper pulls out a second iPhone.

He's starting to black out, but as the lights dim VVV tries to cue up another Psychotic Goth promo. The one with the hammering. With his PTSD triggered, Beelzebozo releases one arm from the choke, reaching out swat the phone away.

JEREMY TUCKER: BEELZEBOZO LOOSENING HIS SLEEPER, AND VIPER WITH JUST ENOUGH SPACE TO TURN IT INTO AN ACE BREAKER!!!

ANDREW FULTON: It's not a strong ace breaker... Viper is basically dead on his feet, but it's enough to get Friendly off of him.

JEREMY TUCKER: Beelzebozo pulling out his trusty flask to get his sixth wind-------!

ANDREW FULTON: CRESCENT MOON KILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper with his patented backflip kneestrike RAMMED that flask into Buster's head! You knew that drinking was going to kill him, and you knew specifically it would be an elderly albino serving that drink... and now landing on top.












ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!











Attila Balan stops doing the robot, turning to break the pin.













TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










Spike Nelson keeps breakdancing, but isn't too good at it even when he isn't having an intense allergic reaction, and accidentally gets tangled up with Attila Balan.













THREE?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????












Attila Balan grabs Viper's leg, as Spike apologizes for stepping on his toes. It was an accident.
















THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

*ARENA VIBRATING BOOS*

FRANK SALAZAR: The winners of this match... advancing to the semi-finals...

BETTER THAN SEX

...WITH...

VILE VINCE VIPER AND SPIKE NELSON!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: That was... that was something else!

JEREMY TUCKER: Viper used every trick in the book, including making them wrestle forty men, making it a handicap match, and turning it into a singles match not involving his team... and only managed to BARELY scrape by Funny Business. I think it's obvious to everyone who the REAL Anzac Cup winners SHOULD have been tonight...

ANDREW FULTON: It happens. The real question is, after this EPIC encounter what will Better Than Sex have left?

Reaching into Friendly's trenchcoat pocket, Viper steals back the unopened letter. Plot points. Still holding his neck in pain, Vile starts to roll away as the Industrial Man enters under the bottom rope.

An army of security and officials try to clear out the ring, the moment that the clown prince of chaos comes too, he'll want to cut Viper's eyes out.

Unaware that the match has ended, Spike Nelson continues to breakdance on the outside.

[SWAT Team]

(Team Fairtex has just finished watching the previous second round matches and are replaying them on their IPads scouting them out as they study the teams.)

Tong Fairtex: "Well looks like the so-called future Anzac Cup 2018 Tag Team Champions couldn't make the grade against Better Than Sex."

Phantam Fairtex: "Yeah let's see who Industrial Man will blame it on or better what will he blame it on seeing he likes to blame viruses or whatever else he can think of."

(They hear the door open and the same Reporter enters the lockerroom.)

Reporter: "Team Fairtex what do you think of....."

Tong Fairtex: "You mean Funny Business being eliminated from the tournament."

Reporter: "Oh you know already."

Tong Fairtex: "We have it already on our IPads......"

Phantam Fairtex: "In all it's streaming quality. Yeah we had a feeling that those losers would choke in the tournament....."

Tong Fairtex: "It was not just when but who since Beelzebozo choked for some reason and what was that reason you might ask."

Reporter: "You're....."

Tong Fairtex: "No we had nothing to do with it. You see Beelzebozo say IPhones and now you have to wonder if he's a little spooked about that. We don't know but you can ask him if he's come out of his catatonic state. Now enough about that we're just waiting to see who we face in the second round of the Anzac Cup."

Reporter: "Did you notice VVV's comments towards you."

Phantam Fairtex: "Surprise.....Surprise. Is that no surprise to us that Better Than Sex would say such a thing. I mean did you notice VVV doing commentary and wrestling at the same time. Now that's either a miracle or just plain silly. Still he can do what he wants to do and we'll do what we do best and that's wrestle. They had some pretty good moves we admit."

Tong Fairtex: "If you don't count Spike's breakdancing moves which are a hell of a lot better than Industrial Man's pathetic robot dance. Still we won't lose focus on the big prize and that's the Anzac Cup. We don't care if it's those assholes The Overlords or shall we call them the Underlosers. We don't care if it's them or any of the other teams in the tournament."

Phantam Fairtex: "We don't care the shit if it's them or Better Than Sex or Noodle Incident or whoever. You see Team Fairtex isn't going to back down and we're not going to allow ourselves to be losing focus on winning. You see we're just two matches away and we're ready to........."

(He bellows.)

Phantam Fairtex: "RRRRRRUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEEE!"

Tong Fairtex: "He said it best and that's what this is going to be and we expect a tough battle both in this round and if we win. We expect another tough battle and possibly two wars and we're not going to be caught off guard for any of these opponents when we meet in the ring."

Reporter: "You know that some think you were quite lucky."

Tong Fairtex: "You still harping on that same shit about last year. Okay Soutter lost two partners in two straight tournaments. Yet we had to face CCS Capital Czar Syndicate one of the toughest teams last year and let me tell you something it was a tough war between us and do you think that was easy....."

Reporter: "Ummm.......No."

Phantam Fairtex: "Exactly and nobody thought we would win but guess what happened. We won and now we're focused like never before and we have every intention of winning these next rounds. We're not in an easy bracket this time around despite what anybody says. We're in a very competitive.....No let me rephrase that....We're in a very competitive tournament with a lot of great teams depending on if they actually showed up."

Tong Fairtex: "Whart my brother means is that we're not going take any competitor lightly whether or not they actually showed and actually put in time to train for this tournament like we did. We're going to be ready and we'rew going to go all out full steam ahead and we're going to show everyone what we can do."

Phantam Fairtex: "That's Team Fairtex and we're sticking by what we're saying and to add to that."

Tong Fairtex: "Team Fairtex is the best there is, was and most of all excellent and if you don't agree with that then you'rew not even close to excellent. Let's go. We're out of here and interview over."

Phantam Fairtex: "Right behind you bro."

(They leave the lockerroom as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[SWAT Team]

Frank Salazar: The following match up is a second round match in the Anzac Tag team Tournament. Introducing first, Brad and Jake Michaels… The Overlords!

Winner Takes it all by Sammy Hagar comes on, then the Overlords comes walking out to the ring, Brad is first, then Jake, and followed by Akira and, Carolyn V. All 4 gets into the ring, Brad & Jake gets on the 2nd. turnbuckle toward the tv camera side, as Akira points to the both. They then get down and the four of them wait for Team Fairtex’s introduction.

Jeremy Tucker: The Overlords received a bye in the first round, and are sitting here fresh for their second round opponents Team Fairtex.

Andrew Fulton: Bye didn’t deserve that match anyway. He and vacant are way overrated.

Jeremy Tucker: On reddit again?

Andrew Fulton: THE_DONALD is TRUTH.

Frank Salazar: Their opponents, Tong and Phantam Faitex, Team FAIRTEX!


Jeremy Tucker: It’s a family affair here in the second round of the annual Anzac Tag Team Invitational.

Andrew Fulton:It’s tag team scramble, moron. The boss doesn’t like tournaments. It’s too ‘sports-ish”.

Jeremy Tucker: Wrong organization. Tong and Jake start of the action here in the second round of the Anzac cup. Tong lands a lariat to send young Jake inside out. Jake back to his feet, and is nailed with a double ax handle from tong. Jake down and up again and head butts Tong. Tong stumbles and Jake attempts a bear hug, only to have tong ring the bell with a bell clap.

Andrew Fulton: Zach Morris is Trash.

Jeremy Tucker: That is not debatable at this moment, but Tong tags in his brother Phantam who hits a snap suplex, and another snap, and another snap. So many snap suplexes.

Andrew Fulton:An impossible amount really.

Jeremy Tucker: Phantam runs the ropes and attempts a moonsault, but Jake is not home! Jake leaps into his brothers hand to make the hot tag!

Andrew Fulton: Don’t forget the mild sauce.

Jeremy Tucker:You’re full of bad clichés, but Brad comes in and lands a nice double leg take down on Phantam. Tong enters the ring and is sent to the ground with a smooth double.

Andrew Fulton: Double Legs for the Brother’s Fairtex. Twice is nice or is it Double your flavor?

Jeremy Tucker:Phantam back to his feet, but is sent out of the ring by a double drop kick from the Overlords. They turn their attention back to Tong. Brad hits a super kick while Jake sweeps the leg!

Andrew Fulton: Cobra Kia!

Jeremy Tucker: Brad covers!

Don “I am not a coal baron: Blankenship: One… Two..

Andrew Fulton: And Tong with the save.

Jeremy Tucker: Can you imagine being named after a kitchen utensil? I mean I guess Shooty spelled that name right. SO he does have that going for him.

Andrew Fulton: Tong with a multitude of kicks to both Overlords before the fifth man kicks them out.

Jeremy Tucker: Oh my, looks like Shooty bought Barely legal 98.

Andrew Fulton: Phantam tosses a chair to Tong. Tong positions Brad into a corner. Phantam ascends to the opposite turnbuckle. From Across the ring! Market crash!

Jeremy Tucker: RVD is soooo 2000 and ugh.

Andrew Fulton:Phantam covers.

Jeremy Tucker: Shouldn’t that be a DQ?

Don “I am not a coal baron: Blankenship: One… Two..

Andrew Fulton: And Jake with a save!

Jeremy Tucker: Tong whacks Jack across the back with a Metal Kendo Stick! And again! And again! Someone stop this man! Phantam tries to calm his brother down, when out of the ether Bad shoves Phantam into Tong and the two men collide heads. Brad with the roll up cover!

Don “I am not a coal baron: Blankenship: One… Two..


Andrew Fulton: Phantam kicks out!

Jeremy Tucker: The Overlords are no selling the effects of the Kendo attack and lift Phantam into a double suplex. Brad makes the cover!

Don “I am not a coal baron: Blankenship: One… Two..

Andrew Fulton: Tong off the top rope with a slash all the way from Singapore!

Jeremy Tucker: I don’t even know whose legal or why this match has continued?

Andrew Fulton:Anzac rules say there must be a winner! Both Fairtex boys are climbing to opposite turnbuckles!

Jeremy Tucker: DOUBLE-DOUBLE STOMPS! Tong covers!

Don “I am not a coal baron: Blankenship: One… Two.., THREE!


Frank Salazar: The Winner of the match at 5 minutes and 12 seconds… TEAM FAIRTEX!

[SWAT Team]

"Blood" hits, the guitar revs up and as the drums hit the name "Carpenter" written in dripping blood appears on the 'Tron. The curtain parts as T.H. Power pushes out Carpenter, tied up in a straitjacket. Both men move towards the ring, Carpenter's eyes glaring as he looks around, but Power stops him at the top of the ramp and undoes the straitjacket allowing Carpenter to shrug out of it. Carpenter continues down the ramp and opens his jacket, pulls his mask off of his belt, revealing two large brass knucks, and holds it up high signaling the beatings are about to begin to the roar of the crowd. Arriving outside the ring, he places the mask over his face and pulls off his coat, tossing it at Power. Carpenter saunters around the ring, and then slides in slowly. He moves into the corner and sits down on the mat, arms on the ropes, watching the entryway.

Franks Salazar : THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCEDULED FOR ONE FALL ... INTRODUCING FIRST, IN THE RING, HAILING FROM RED BANK NEW JERSEY, COMING IN AT 6’2 & 220 LBS .... CARPENTER!!!! AND INTRODUCING HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER, HAILING FROM THE ARMPIT OF AMERICA .... COMING IN AT 6’4 & 243 LBS .... THE DARK PHOENIX ... DANIEL COLLINS!!!

"Charging the Keep" starts as the lights fade to to an eerie orange glow. 30 seconds in the heavy beat kicks off with a blackened flame burst as the Tron shows the old Phoenix symbol cracked and burnt, flashes of Collins in the backdrop. At a minute the song cranks up and Dark Phoenix makes his way out of the back. He simply moves to the top of the ramp, eyes aglow, head tilting back as his arms open wide to absorb the sounds of the crowd. He walks down to the ring as the flame bursts continue, climbing the steps, turns and regards the crowd before getting into the ring and moving alongside Carpenter.

Jeremy Tucker : It’s official. President Phoenix is out, Dark Phoenix IN!

Andrew Fulton : Freebird rules applying for the Freak Angels i’d say. Keep the rest of the pool guessing. Could be a trump card come finals Jerry and a fresh President comes into play.

Jeremy Tucker : Could be a disaster also if they go down here and don’t make the finals too Fulton.

[Orion - Eternity (Chillout Version) hits and Turner struts down the aisle, glaring at the crowd with contempt and disgust.

Timeless : (grabbing the mic from Frank)I got passion in my pants and i ain’t afraid to show it.

Crowd : I’M, SEXY AND I KNOW IT!

Timeless: No (holding his hand up to block them) Your not! I (points to himself with his thumb) AM!

Timeless passes the mic and saunters smugly around the ring impressed with himself deliberately ignoring the existence of The Freak Angels

Frank Salazar : AND INTRODUCING THEIR OPPONENTS, HAILING FROM NEW HOPE MINNESOTA, COMING IN AT 6’3 & 262 LBS .... TIMELESS ALEX TURNER!!!!

Vilify by Device hits, the lights go out with a spotlight dimming on center stage. CSK is shown with his back facing everyone and his arms spread out. Black lights are used in the arena until getting into the ring. He turns around and dumps a golden chalice filled with some strange liquid over the top of his head. It's considered his holy water.

Andrew Fulton : WHAM! CSK dicking around with his entrance, and Carpenter and Collins bum rush Timeless. The pair of them clobbering away with hard ax handle smashes and right and left hands, they are wailing on him good!

Jeremy Tucker : CSK runs down to help his partner and slides into the ring and EATS A CARPENTER TILT A WHIRL POWERBOMB! My GAWD!!

Andrew Fulton : Carpenter then with a side Russian Leg Sweep on CSK!

Jeremy Tucker : Collins hits a snap suplex on Timeless.

Andrew Fulton : Freak Angels bringing it early! CSK and Timeless were NOT expecting this.

Jeremy Tucker : Dark Phoenix with a swinging neckbreaker on Timeless mounts him and wails away with some hard punches, screaming at him that Roxy Married another man and how does it FEEL! These two HATE each other Fulton!

Andrew Fulton : Feud of the year last year and it just won’t go away!

Jeremy Tucker : Carp with airplane spin on CSK then tosses him face first. Timeless rages at Collins and spins him around and mounts him and starts punching on him uncontrollably.

Andrew Fulton : I think the Dark Phoenix has just triggered Timeless!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless nails Dark Phoenix with a back breaker, and the ref is letting this go. I think we got a Tornado match here folks!

Andrew Fulton : Only way to let them settle it.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless with a drop kick on Carpenter to the back of the head, he didn’t even know it was coming! Saves CSK!

Andrew Fulton : Best drop kick in the game. I could watch him wrestle and arm drag a broom for a whole match. Maybe more so with Roxy at ringside.

Jeremy Tucker : Well, she is married now Fulton. You will have to get your perve on elsewhere.

Andrew Fulton : CSK glares at Timeless, he don’t like being helped it seems. He grabs Carpenter and hits a spinning heel kick on Collins while same time a X Factor face buster on Carp.. Then gives Timeless the, how about that look.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless shrugs nonchalantly and catches a back up and charging Carp with a BEAUTIFUL ARM DRAG!

Andrew Fulton : Didn’t Timeless once wrestle an entire match delivering only arm drags Jerry?

Jeremy Tucker : Sure did. CSK with a short arm clothesline to Collins.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless grabs Carp and arm drags him again. And a third, a 4th, a FIFTH!!! Five arm drags on Carpenter, he is irate.

Jeremy Tucker : Carpenter charges Timeless and Timeless ducks and Carp bounces off the ropes, leap frog by Timeless and Carp runs right into CSK who was blindsided stomping on Collins.

Andrew Fulton : Carp and CSK’s momentum takes them both sailing over the top rope.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless shrugs and moves towards his nemisis Collins and Collins meets him with a HUGE LOW BLOW!

Andrew Fulton : OUCH! Collins yells to Timeless, you won’t be using that on your honeymoon tonight will ya Don’t worry though, she has ANOTHER husband to service her there!

Jeremy Tucker : Brutal! Collins hooks Timeless who is hunched over his sack .... DDT!

Andrew Fulton : Throws Timeless into the ropes and drop toe hold onto the bottom rope. Collins then with a Cross face on Timeless and it is also on the bottom rope, Bottom Rope Cross Face!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless can’t breathe. On the outside, CSK and Carp are going chop for chop. So many. So loud!

Andrew Fulton : Both men feeling them, and answering back, harder and harder and HARDER!

Jeremy Tucker : Carp ducks a chop now, and swinging neck breaker, into the steel ring steps on back of CSK’s head.

Andrew Fulton : Collins still reefing on the cross face, Timeless is choking and can’t breathe!

Jeremy Tucker : Carpenter grabs CSK and rams his forehead now into that steel step, and busts him open.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless gets an arm across and in desperation tries to rake the eyes of Collins but finds nothing but a solid steel mask. He moves the arm away from the eyes and now he grabs a hold of his nuts in an old fashioned SQUIRREL GRIP!.

Jeremy Tucker : Collins needs to start wearing a box there as well. Timeless still gasping for air, Collins can’t produce children. Carpenter slides in the ring, and grabs Timeless .... CRUCIFIX POWERBOMB!

Andrew Fulton : This is a wild match. Carpenter yelling to Collins to set him up, pointing to Timeless, and heads for the top rope.

Jeremy Tucker : Collins delivers a leg drag and holds on applying a Ankle Lock to Timeless.

Andrew Fulton : Carpenter heading up stairs, Timeless stuck there in the Ankle lock!

Jeremy Tucker : CSK runs up the stairs and hooks Carp and nails him with a CUTTER! Off the top turnbuckle to the hard outside floor! Holy Shit!

Andrew Fulton : What a move.

Jeremy Tucker : CSK slides into the ring Irish whips Collins into the turnbuckle, Collins takes it full front on, he is backing back on wobbly legs ... ENZIGURI!!! Collins with an enziguri on CSK.

Andrew Fulton : Oh man. Here comes the President.

Jeremy Tucker : Phoenix makes his way down to the ring and starts checking on Carpenter.

Phoenix : (pulling out a mic) Ok. I have seen enough of this. Kennedy. I own your contract. Time to lay down. End this farce of a match already.

Andrew Fulton : President telling CSK to lay down. WTF?

Jeremy Tucker : He owns his contract Fulton and .... well, i would think you would dig this turn of events.

CSK looks angrily across to PX, defiance written all over him. Timeless grabs Collins and hits a Falcon Arrow! And as he does so, also down the rampway to the outside comes Roxy with her new Zimbabwean husband in tow.

Andrew Fulton : ROXY IS HERE! What a gushing bride she makes. He parents must be so proud!

Jeremy Tucker : I don’t believe it! She has a lot of gall to show up here. She smiles to Phoenix and tells him look at what he missed out on, and winks at him. Timeless loses it and slides out of the ring getting in her face.

Andrew Fulton : This is going to get ugly. Reality TV has a way of showcasing the worst of society.

Jeremy Tucker : And the nit wits eat it all up!

Andrew Fulton : Timeless is HOT! He is yelling at Roxy and now Phoenix is standing between the, trying to separate them.

Jeremy Tucker : Carpenter is out from that lethal cutter, and CSK and Collins inside the ring making their way too their feet. MIST!!!! CSK blows the mist into the eyes of Collins!

Andrew Fulton : He is wearing a mask!

Jeremy Tucker : But it’s still covering the eyes, he can’t see! LOW BLOW!!!

Andrew Fulton : CSK just punt kicked Collins right in the jewels! After the earlier Squirrel grip he won’t be enjoying the wedding after party like all the others.

Jeremy Tucker : Like he would want to go there.

Andrew Fulton : One handed electric chair driver!

Jeremy Tucker : Elitist Asshole from CSK to Collins!!! Covers ................ ONE ....................... TWO .......................... THREE!!!!

Andrew Fulton : CSK got him! He and Timeless advance.

Jeremy Tucker : timeless looks like he doesn’t care, and he grabs Roxy by the wrist and drags her quickly up the ramp and out of there, her husband looks surprised and is following behind anxiously, not sure what he has just walked into.

Andrew Fulton : That’s what you got to deal with hot chicks. Baggage! They taste great, but man, they have BAGGAGE!

Jeremy Tucker : Thanks for that insightful input Fulton. Carpenter up to his feet and he looks angry, Phoenix, he and Collins storm up the ramp also, and CSK gloats in the ring as Vilify by Device blares.

[SWAT Team]

Bad Boy Skepta hits and Calum Morgan and Paul Blair make their way down to the ring.

Frank Salazar : LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL... MAKING THEIR WAY TO THE RING ... BRITAINS NUMBER ONE BAD BOY ,,, CALUM MORGAN ... THE RULER PAUL BLAIR .... BRO CODE ....

"The Devil Beneath My Feet" by Marilyn Manson hits and both Eric Dane and Impulse head down to the ring, they are accompanied by Calico Rose.

Frank Salazar : AND THEIR OPPONENTS, ACCOMPAINED TO THE RING BY CALICO ROSE ... THE ONLY STAR ERIC DANE .... IMPULSE ... THE NOODLE INCIDENT!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Here we go folks, final match of round two, the winners to meet Timeless and CSK in the semi final.

Andrew Fulton : Did you see her new husband? What is with THAT!?

Jeremy Tucker : No idea. Dane and Morgan starting it off, collar elbow tie up, Dane gets the upper hand and powers Morgan to the matt.

Andrew Fulton : Morgan to his feet and Dane with a big drop kick!

Jeremy Tucker : Nicely executed! Dane locks on a side head lock and tags in Impulse. Morgan pushes Dane off into the ropes, Dane runs them but grabs hold and doesn’t come back.

Andrew Fulton : Get him Impulse!

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse in the ring and Morgan is prone, but Impulse taps him and motions lets go and too hook up.

Andrew Fulton : What’s this?

Jeremy Tucker : He follows the rules, as foreign as that must sound to you Fulton.

Andrew Fulton : I ... i have ... i have never seen of this before.

Jeremy Tucker : Both hook up and Morgan tosses Impulse into the ropes, he bounces off them and Morgan drops down, Impulse bounces off again and Morgan leap frogs him, Impulse still running the ropes, but while he does WHAM! Eric Dane with a hard double ax handle to the back of the head of Calum Morgan drops him. Impulse looks disappointed in his partner, and Dane leaves the ring thrilled with himself.

Andrew Fulton : I like the Only Star! He has a certain panache about him.

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse catches a rising Morgan with a arm drag. Morgan slams the mat hard in frustration and tags in Blair.

Andrew Fulton : Blair in the ring and Impulse whips him into the ropes then hits a drop kick and then tags in Dane.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane quick to come in and hits a hard forearm shot to the back of Blairs head. Then he tosses him around with a Northern Lights suplex!

Andrew Fulton : German suplex from Dane!

Jeremy Tucker : TBone suplex! Dane putting on a clinic. Lifts up Blair high in the air, and holds him there, turning him around, Calum Morgan reaches over the ropes and makes a blind tag. Dane doesn’t know!

Andrew Fulton : BANG! Dane sends Blair crashing to the mat, and then eats a springboard forearm from Calum Morgan!

Jeremy Tucker : Calum stomps on Eric Dane! Then, hits a devastating piledriver. Cover by Morgan ..... One ..... Two ..... Th ... shoulder up by Dane.

Andrew Fulton : Morgan tags Blair back in and applies an arm ringer, Blair drops the elbow on the prone arm from the top rope.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane sells the arm and Blair hits him with a hard chop to the chest. Dane glares at him and answers back twice as hard with a chop of his own.

Andrew Fulton : Both men exchanging a series of brutal chops ..... Dane goes to the eyes! Did i tell you i love this guy Jerry?

Jeremy Tucker : Several times. Dane plants Blair with a DDT, and then taunts Calum Morgan with a crotch chop. Morgan plays it off like he don’t care, but we see him stewing. He gives Dane the two finger British salute.

Andrew Fulton : Dane the delivers a rolling knee drop to Blair, rolling into a tag to Impulse.

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse hits the ring and he delivers a beautiful lionsault bouncing back off the ropes! Nailed it! Stays on for the cover ................... One ................ Two ...... Calum breaks the count.

Andrew Fulton : Dane runs in and spears Morgan.

Jeremy Tucker : Morgan and Dane roll out of the ring following that spear.

Andrew Fulton : They are duking it out on the outside.

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse goes up top, SWANTON BOMB! Calico Rose is cheering him on from the outside, he gives her the thumbs up. Blair slowly and groggily gets to his feet .... SUPERKICK! Impulse with the Sudden Impact Superkick! This one is done and dusted folks .... lateral press cover from Impulse ..... ONE .......... TWO .................... THREE!!!!!!

Frank Salazar : WINNERS OF THE MATCH ...... THE NOODLE INCIDENT!!!!

Andrew Fulton : What a semi final clash it will be against CSK & Timeless!

"The Devil Beneath My Feet" by Marilyn Manson hits and Dane separates himself from Morgan and slides into the ring, Morgan kicking the barrier in frustration as the ref holds up both arms of Impulse and Eric Dane in victory.

[SWAT Team]

[We switch to the back and we see Timeless, Roxy and her Zimbabwean husband in the locker room. Timeless is eating some 2 minute noodles and looks far from pleased. Roxy looks amazing in a Married at First Site t shirt and she has a huge ring on her finger, behind her, her new husband beams with pride.]

Husband : (thick Zimbabwean accent) You must be Timeless. I have heard so much about you.

[He goes to shake Alex’s hand and is snubbed, Timeless giving him the glare.]

Timeless : So, it’s true? You’re Married!?

Roxy : Sure am hun! Boy have i missed you.

[Roxy throws her arms around Timeless and tries to kiss him, but he stops her and pushes her away and she looks disappointed, her husband looks half confused and half irate.]

Husband : What do you think you’re doing?

Roxy : Not now Tobias.

Timeless : Yeah. Not now, pal. Roxy, what have you done.

Roxy : Excitedly. I will tell you if will just let me speak. Well, like. You know how we had our original plan before i got there, like, well, it was going well and i was waiting for our big swerve, and then when we met all the other contestants, i met Tobias here, like, and even though he was assigned to another girl, i just like, had to marry him, once i heard his name, it was like a light bulb inside my brain screamed at me and said DO IT!

Tobias : and we said I DO.

Timeless : (glaring at Tobias) Shut the hell UP! I am in the middle of a huge tournament you know Roxy! This of all times you chose to turn up, married of all things.

Roxy : That’s the beauty of it though. I had to marry him hun. I HAD too!

Timeless : Why? Why did you have to?

Roxy : Well, now i am not just Roxy. Now. I am Roxy Lishus!

Timeless : Roxylishus?

Roxy : That’s right! (jumping up and down giddy with happiness and thrilled with herself.) ROXYLISHUS!!!

Timeless : Huh?

Roxy : Thats his name. Tobias Lishus. I was standing there like, everyone around when they introduced him, and i was thinking, damn, why couldn’t he have been my husband, then i could be Roxy Lishus, and then, i thought, you know what, he can be my husband, and i CAN BE ROXYLISHUS! So, i turned on the charm, and 30 minutes later we had ducked out of that joint and found a celebrant and now ... I’m ROXYLISHUS!!!

Tobias : And now we are in love.

Roxylishus : Well. Not really Toby. See, i am in love, but not with you, i am in love with Timeless. Always have been and always will be. We only got married for TV and Entertainment. You know that right.

[Tobias looks crushed, like he was a member of the Society and someone just busted him recycling an rp.]

Timeless : Roxylishus huh. You know what, that’s A GREAT FREAKEN NAME!

Roxylishus : I knew you would understand.

Timeless : You could have at least called.

Roxylishus : I couldn’t, you were here in the Cup and i had to act swift and make things happen. You are not going to believe it, we are Viral! And not like that meme of my hot peachy ass pressing Triple V’s fat face against the car pool door window Viral. WE ARE FUCKING WORLDWIDE VIRAL! The whole world is talking about the SWAT Valet who eloped with another girl’s husband on Married at First Site!

Timeless : What do we do with him.

Roxylishus : Law states we must be married for 90 days, he gets to work for us till then, like a butler or something, and then, he can be gone and i get to keep the name.

Tobias : I am no one’s damn Butler!

Roxylishus : (seducingly) Oh, come on. For me you can do this. Come on Toby.

Timeless : I don’t know about all this.

Roxylishus : Wait just a second. What about you? I was told you slept with some ski bunny in some ski resort? She waxed your pole?

Timeless : That was in the 80’s hun, before we even met.

Roxylishus : (thinking for a moment) Oh. Ok. That makes sense. Now Toby, i know you love me, but we can’t ever be real married husband and wife, i am only for Timeless, we are just pretend for TV, but this will make you famous too.

Tobias : I would give up all the fame and wealth in the world for you Roxy Lishus.

Timeless : Yeah. That isn’t happening pal.

Roxylishus : Listen to me Toby (she coo’s)

Timeless : NO! Listen to me!! SHE IS MINE!!! You can admire and love her all you like, jump in the back of the 15 million twitter followers who toss their cookies over her every night. I don’t care. But you are a prop, nothing more and nothing less. Get any idea’s otherwise, and we will ship you back off to that 3rd world shit hole you crawled from.

Roxylishus : Its only 90 days Toby.

[He is fuming still, looks like he wants to actually take on Timeless.]

Timeless : What’s this 90 days?

Roxylishus : It’s SWAT law, you need to run an angle 90 days to make a name official.

Timeless : (laughs) That’s insane.

[Tobias goes to pull Roxylishus over to discuss these matters with him, and she pulls away, revolted at being touched. Timeless snaps and swishes his 2 minute noodles all over his face and starts choking him with his metal hand, lifting him up off the ground.]

Timeless : There is a Noodle Incident! If you ever put your hands on her again, you won’t have to worry about making it home with no visa, i’ll put you in the dirt and then leave you in a ditch, while i Mac your bitch!

I am TIMELESS

The Ultimate Male Supreme!

Every breathing woman’s wet dream!

A god damn WRESTLING MACHINE!

Roxylishus : and we are going to win the Anzac Cup! Two matches down, Two to go! You fried Noodle punks can go back to your cookies and slumber parties, this is the finals now, and time for the real stars to shine.

Timeless : (drops Tobias in a hump and glares to the camera.) ERIC DANE! IMPULSE! See you cats in the ring, and we will see who is the REAL star!

[SWAT Team]

(Team Fairtex is back in their lockerroom finishing a light snack and staying loose as they continue to study their opponents on their IPads.)

Tong Fairtex: "Let's see there's an equally strong possibility that we could either be facing Noodle Incident or Turner/CSK in the finals."

Phantam Fairtex: "There's two factors also that are involved in this match up."

Tong Fairtex: "Which is....."

Phantam Fairtex: "Both teams love to fight dirty......"

Tong Fairtex: "What's the other......"

Phantam Fairtex: "They have people ready to interfere with the match."

Tong Fairtex: "Good valid points Phantam."

(The lockerroom door opens and the same Reporter enters.)

Reporter: "I hate to interrupt again but....."

Tong Fairtex: "If you mean to ask if we saw who our possible opponents are the answer is yes we did see the possible match ups."

Reporter: "Oh so you knew what I was going to ask you."

Phantam Fairtex: "Yeah and Mr. Newshound Obvious......"

Reporter: "That's Olsen....."

Phantam Fairtex: "Hey he's world famous cub reporter Jimmy Olsen.

Reporter: "I'm not Jimmy Olsen from the Superman Comics."

Phantam Fairtex: "Damned he sure looks like him."

Tong Fairtex: "Be serious bro. So what did you want to ask this time around."

Reporter: "How did it feel to finally beat The Overlords for stealing your contract to enter the Anzac Cup via bye."

Tong Fairtex: "The Overrated showed they were just that and that was overrated. They didn't even bother to show what they were truly made of if they were made of anything at all."

Reporter: "Did Carolyn V escape her captivity since she was at ringside."

Phantam Fairtex: "No we decided to let bygones be bygones and let her go with no strings attached and no stipulations. Hell they can keep that fucking contract as a memento of how bad their team really was when they stole that victory against us and after we kicked their asses tonight."

Tong Fairtex: "You see the real teams are getting ready to step it up and bring their A games, their game faces and all sorts of goofy sports clichés that go with high stakes match ups. This is what Team Fairtex is all about."

Phantam Fairtex: "From day one when we started teaming up in the XPW up to tonight we wrestled together as a team and we're well coordinated as a team. Through all the bad and good times we stayed together as a team. We never ever try to one up the other......"

Tong Fairtex: "Only if we were in the same ring together and were the only two competitors left to wrestle and throw the other out."

Reporter: "Did that ever happen....."

Phantam Fairtex: "Gotcha! No it never happened yet so far but......"

Tong Fairtex: "What my brother is saying is that there's always that possibility but until that time comes we're still a well oiled tag team machine."

Reporter: "I guess you saw the women's scramble where The Hired Killers both earned a shot at 'Lucky' Linda La Fey."

Tong Fairtex: "We already congratulated them......"

(The Reporter's ready to ask something.)

Tong Fairtex: "Yeah and we know that Delilah's copying Angela's style of making things interesting by throwing in stipulations like only one can pin the champion and the champion can't lose if Jade pins Kim."

Reporter: "You think that The Hired Killers will turn on the other....."

Phantam Fairtex: "Let me tell you something our wives would never do that. The best woman wins and our wives watch each other's backs and they know it since they know the business since they learned well."

Tong Fairtex: "Just like we learned from our trainers is how they learned from theirs."

Reporter: "Who would you like to face between the other remaining teams."

Tong Fairtex: "Does it even matter. Look whoever we face is who we face and they will be our opponents for the finals. That's how it goes in professional wrestling whether it's the Anzac Cup and or other sports whether it's football
basketball or whatever sport."

Phantam Fairtex: "You see we have no preference whatsoever and that will always be our philosophy. Whoever wins will win and whoever loses goes home. Only the winner of the tournament is the 2018 Anzac Cup Tournament Champion and whoever loses is the bridesmaid to that other team."

Reporter: "I know you'll think I'm being repetitive but who do you really want to face."

Phantam Fairtex: "Hey at least you're both consistent and right about one thing."

Reporter: "I am....."

Phantam Fairtex: "Yeah you're repetitive."

Tong Fairtex: "Look we said it doesn't matter and we mean it. You see one team has one who's jealous about his valet and her husband/manservant and the other is jealous of the other's moves. The other team is jealous of the other's moves. Yet they both know they have to stick together and they both know they have to depend on the other.
Then when the going is getting real tough they need their outside help to bail them out of their sticky situation to help them win the match."

Reporter: "Which is where their valets come in."

Phantam Fairtex: "Exactamundo. You see how intelligent you can be if you listen to our answers to your questions."

Reporter: "What would happen if you faced CSK and Turner."

(Tong's expression changes to an ominous look.)

Tong Fairtex: "Oh you know what I want to do and that's exact a little revenge for last year's loss. You see 'The Bangkok Hitman' has a long memory and believe me nothing would be more satisfactory than having a pinfall in a high stakes tournament like The Anzac Cup and repeating as the champions over one half of a tag team. Believe me it would be so satisfactory."

Phantam Fairtex: "However, like brother Tong always mentions that we're not focused on them or anyone else and Better Than Sex is coming up. We know VVV and Spike Nelson aka Anonymoose or whoever he calls himself will pull out all the stops and that means we'll be stepping up and pulling out all the stops with our best as well. Imagine so we have to be twice as ready and we're going to be the best we can be."

Tong Fairtex: "Both our teams will be rested up and refreshed and we'll see who's defenses will come down and who will overwhelm and dominate the other. Yeah we know Better Than Sex will fight dirty but you know what. We can do the samething if you want too. Yeah you'll see up close and personal we can fight dirty just like you can VVV. So we'll see who gives and who goes onto the next round. Right now it's time for us to get ready......."

(Phantam Fairtex bellows.)

Phantam Fairtex: "ROCK N' ROLL AND READY FOR WAR AND LET'S RUMBLE IN THE RRRRRRIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!"

Team Fairtex: "OOOOOHHHHHH YYYYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Tong Fairtex: "Interview over and let's get it on."

Phantam Fairtex: "Lead the way bruh."

(They leave the lockerroom as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[SWAT Team]

[Backstage.]

[The Locker room area...]

[Fairly empty.]

[Could all the boys have gone home for the night? Miserable at their failed attempts at national mismatched tag team glory, the minute they collected their paycheques, did they race off with their tails between their legs? Is that it?]

[Of course not.]

[We know that SWAT is a family. We can't tell the difference between the Family, but SWAT IS A FAMILY. Even the lazy assholes who couldn't be bothered to cut a promo to bring in fans, are still planning to stick around till the end of the night to lift the greatest tag team of all time up in the air, celebrating their victory. Even Lawson. That is a priority.]

[Besides, they all left their bags behind. Its far more likely that this was a prerecorded segment, shot while they were all sitting in the aisle to watch the barnburner that was Team Fairtex vs. The Overlords - I still have goosebumps - or perhaps in the showers trying to scrub off the stench of failure. Either way, the locker room is virtually empty as our protagonists swagger in.]

Spike Nelson: ...It said for a good time call Tony. So now I'm going to ask Toni to the dance.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Is Tony ssspelt with an i or a y?

Spike Nelson: Y.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Because the difference in spelling denotes whether this mysterious suitor is a male or a female. Still forget about the spelling, all that matters is you're happy... and if it is a y, <pearly yellows> it will make us look progresssssssive and youth oriented. Who cares if you're out of the family! I've never been in the family to begin with! Overrated! The love of your intolerant grandfather is a small price to pay if it helps us sell a few more T-shirts <aside to camera> being sold at the concession stand for $25.95 - CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! <back in scene> Ssso more power to you my boy. Oh, I'll stop talking to you, but I'm old, and set in my ways - most likely be dead soon anyway. <double take> ...On account of your lifestyle that is, I'm going to live forever. <chuckle> The important thing is our image. In the words of the immortal Guitar Wolf, love has no boundaries or genders, <fist pump> ROCK AND ROLL.

Spike Nelson <not following any of that>: She almost likes Voltron as much as I do, grandpa.

Vile "Vince" Viper <definitely a middle aged dude>: They're cats AND robots - what's not to like?

Spike Nelson <getting excited that they're finally going to have a Voltron conversation, he's waited his entire adult life for this>: I KNOW! Do you think that Haggar is actually---

Vile "Vince" Viper <having exhausted his knowledge of Voltron but wanting to look learned in all things pop>: Regardlessssssss of whether this secret admirer pans out, once we win the Anzac Cup you'll be knocking off the ladies with a RAKE.... or an Anzac Cup... I haven't figured out the dimensions of it. Its probably big enough to club off a few grenades. I know I should watch lassst yearsss' Cup as a frame of reference, but researching a tournament like this is for {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore} LOSERS... which brings us to the defending champsss...

[Spike seems a little taken aback. He likes girls. He tries not to win tournaments just to get hardware he can use as weapons... but he can't let his grandfather down.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Waiting till the NIGHT of the tournament to scout your opponents movesss? What amateurs. If only they had spent half that time researching the match they came out to commentate on... talk about professsssssssi-------OH MY GOD!!!

[The camera zooms into a tight close-up on Vile "Vince" Viper looking shocked!!!!!!!!]

Spike Nelson: What?

Vile "Vince" Viper: SPIKE! <waving claw around> LOOK!

Spike Nelson: CHIMICHONGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The camera pans then smash zooms into Spike Nelson looking equally pleased, though he might just be putting on an act to make his grandfather happy.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING?!

Spike Nelson: Sure Grandp-----SCARAMOUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Simply Amazing races across the dressing room to find a Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo poster... his rapid action forcing the camera to switch back to a wide. The DEVIL of SWAT looks less than pleased at this break dancing plug.]

Spike Nelson: BEST! MOVIE! EVER!

Vile "Vince" Viper: No Spike... not... <grimace> Spike...

[Stomping across the room, VVV takes down the poster with one of his claws - using it to point around the room.]

Vile "Vince' Viper: NOT THAT! <pointing> The bags... look at the bags...

[Seems like all the boys have left their duffle bags behind... Vile counts at least 28...]

Spike Nelson: Zork would have a field day.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Sssteal? <shaking head> Your mother raised you better than that, Spike. I presume. <fiendish grin> But wouldn't it be HILARIOUSSS... brilliantly FUNNY... if SSSOMEONE... who could say who... but SSSSSSSSSSOMEONE... left feces in all these bags?!?

Spike Nelson: Poop is funny.

Vile "Vince" Viper <turning to the camera for the best catchphrase ever>: I likes my ribsss.

Spike Nelson: But where could we possible find that many punchlines, Grandpa?

Vile "Vince" Viper <patting his grandson on the back>: You're young - have at it.

Spike Nelson <not really comfortable defecating into 28 bags on camera>: Um... what if we just picked the bags of guys we don't like...

Vile "Vince" Viper <scowl>: We don't like anyone. No. The joke is doing it to ALL OF THEM. Old testament style. First borns and what have you. A reckoning of humorous scat bliss! It'll stop being funny after the third bag, hell it might even be painful as you force it on the fifth, but by the seventh bag it will be funny again... and the fourteenth? GREATESSST RIB EVER! Its all about thinking big! <pointing at camera> So show these fine viewers at home that BETTER THAN SEX has the intestinal fortitude to win the Anzac Cup...

Spike Nelson <kind of intimidated>: ...ok grandpa...

[Turning to the first bench, Spike Nelson starts to drop his trunks. Nelson is a little concerned about the consistency of his shit, based on a diet that consists only of 30-year-old Popeye breakfast cereal and pop rocks... but he can't let his grandfather down. These ribs mean so much to him...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Give Team Fairtex something to read on their iPadsss.

[To avoid showing nudity, or bodily functions on SWAT TV, the camera zooms in on a tight shot of Viper.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: While Spike sets about performing the GREATESSST JOKE that SSSWAT has seen since Team Fairtex won the first Anzac Cup. I'd like to draw your attention to a few things... here we are in the backstage area... yet... look at usss <pointing off camera at his grandson's discomfort> ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING with our surroundings. Not just generic backdrop, generic trash talk. See where I'm going with this Tong? You act like just because you've put out more random promos to promote this event, that you have more HEART to win it. Where is the passsssssion? Not putting any thought into them... just running your mouths for the sake of taking up time... that doesn't show heart.

Other than you wanting to be a two time tournament champion, I have absolutely ZERO invested in you two winning this tournament.

Who are you?

What are you?

You hold everyone in low esssteem, seem to think your daddy taught you some amazing skills... your insight into everyone's character is about as app as Shootfighter's XWCW commentary... and we all know how that turned out. Give me a reassson to care about clobbering you two into the ground. You are to me... <infamous sneer> what the OVERLORDS were to you... do you get it?

What did winning the Anzac do for you?

What did the accomplishment mean to your careersss?

If it was such a launch pad to greatness, why do you need to prevent another up-and-coming team from winning it? A tag tournament in a fed with no tag teams because you run them all off then shoot for singles glory? Tell me more!

So many unanswered questions - and instead we get to watch YOU watching US on your iPads? Did our little match with the clown give you Apple envy?

NOW... I'm not here to tell you how to cut an enjoyable interview. THE BESSST POSSSSSSSSSIBLE thing you could do is just sit there and watch an old video of me being wonderful. Good instincts. Honessstly, you almost nailed it... but then you had to ruin it all by running your ssssssssssslack jawsss. Even if you can't give me heart, at least muster some better ssssssssssssssshit than that...

<speaking of which> How's it going, Spike?

Spike Nelson <startled>: OH... um... great Grandpa.

Vile "Vince" Viper <yelling off camera>: How many bags we up to?

Spike Nelson: Uh... like half of one.

Vile "Vince" Viper <frowning>: You don't have to completely fill them.

Spike Nelson: I... I knew that.

Vile "Vince" Viper <rolling eyes at camera>: Take this ssseriousssly, Spike. Ribs are important. They're the only joy I get out of life... so after a long week on the road, when I come home to realize that the lights are only on because I debased myself by wrestling the Shootfighter's punks - ribs are the only reason that I don't then proceed to blow my own brains out. A laugh can be a very powerful thing.

On the opposssite end of the joke ssspectrum... I think an apology is in order.

Fairtex... you wonder why I can commentate on my own matches. If you bothered to watch them for all the RESEARCH you claim to be doing, you would understand how I created that situation. It wasn't just a random appearance by a wrestler to make sure he oversaturated the product as much as possible - like your little stint as commentators this evening - WHAT I DID served a purpose.

Not realizing how I was able to join the announcers team, is the same attention to detail you showed for your own match.

Not being able to tell the difference between Dark Phoenix and Phoenix? I've heard that syphilis can get pretty nasty in Bangkok, but are you two so blind as to not tell the difference between the former International champion and his own father?! Do all masssked men look the same to you?

Guessssss all that resssearch didn't pay off.

Its little wonder that Dark Phoenix prefers appearing in SSSWAT Backyard to these other dives, if this is the kind of ressspect he gets here.

Maybe you two could spend a little less time with the generic "What you said is garbage, we are the best, our history is wonderful, you will know that what we say is true" shit... and think these things through? Or at the very leassst apologize to Collinsss for thinking he moved like an old man. Apologize to Phoenix for highlighting the fact that he stole a spot in the tournament that should have gone to a deserving star in the boy.

Wait... is it that you don't sssee people, you just sssee gene poolsssssssssss?

In making that EMBARRASSING mistake, you were hoping that it would catch on, so that people watching Team Fairtex matches would think you boys were the Ssshootfighter?

<chuckle> Well, for what its worth, you look like the Ssshootfighter to me.

[Burn.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: So you two continue to pontificate over who will win... Noodle Incident or Turner slash CSK... I'm sure we all really ressspect your insssightsss. I'm just glad you were able to figure out which teams were in the other half. Thank god for pictures.

I'm hoping that even if no one appreciates the gift bag that Spike is currently leaving smeared over their persssonal property that the smell back here at least forces you two fucking morons to come up with a different location for your next insssipid promo.........

Just know that this was YOUR SSSTAGE to rise to the occasion, and the mediocre halfhearted efforts of EVERYONE you beat up to this point? I personally blame you for creating that mundane aura around the Cup. No one cares, because of you. ...The good news is, Better Than Sex doesn't half asssssssss anything... right, Spike?

Spike Nelson: I can't feel my half ass.

[The camera pulls out to a long shot, as Viper looks surprised that Spike has already returned.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: You managed to do all 28 bags?!

Spike Nelson <can barely walk>: 29... there was one behind Roxylicious' wedding album.

Vile "Vince" Viper <checking his watch>: That's amazing! That's a much bigger accomplishment than winning some tournament that Lonely Cobyrn ssslept through!

[Zing.]

Spike Nelson <dizzy>: Thanks Grandpa...

Vile "Vince" Viper: Here - have a Frank A. Marano Memorial Cup.

[The King of Snakes hands Spike Nelson a Frank A. Marano Memorial Cup - not the one he won, but the one that Adrian Tanner won. He picked up the other half in Tanner's house. Full circle.]

Spike Nelson <teary eyed>: Thanks Grandpa! I've been looking for something to hold my gummy bears in.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Think nothing of it Spike... I don't.

[Your 2018 ANZAC Cup champions exit the scene of the crime...]











[...]








[...We hold a few seconds for "Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly to enter from the showers.]

[Friendly reaches down into his duffle bag then recoils in disgust.]

Beelzebozo: WHAT THE FUCK!

[The cameraman runs over to take a close-up of the massive turd left in his bag...........



"BEST OF PSYCHOTIC GOTH Vol. 1"



Turning his back on the bluray, Beelzebozo knows that only one mind could have come up with such a malicious and hurtful rib. A towel firmly covering his junk, the half naked ACW champion stomps off into the hallway to get revenge. He is still wearing clown shoes.]