Anzac Cup 2018

[SWAT Team]

[Close up of a frying pan. A can of cooking spray enters the frame. The can is shook, then a stream of vegetable oil coats the surface od the pan.]



**SIZZLE**

[The camera pans back to reveal Spike Nelson at a frying pan. One half of your favorite tag team is happily cooking, a "Kiss the Cook" apron and chef hat being worn proudly.]

Spike: oh yeah, that's the stuff right there.

[Spike takes a spatula and flips the meat over, cooking the other side. After a moment, he removes the meat from the pan, and adds it to a plate piled several feet high with the delicasy.]

Spike: yum yum yum!

[The sound of gagging and wheezing fills the air as Vile "Vince" Viper stumbles into the room. The Scarlet Serpent has his clawed hands over his face, the albino looking so pale he is bordering on translucent.]

VVV: Spike! What is that disssssgusting sssmell? It's like a festering bowl of expired walrus shit hassss raken human form and ssssstarted recited Psychotic Goth interviewsssss!

Spike: oh! Hi Gramps!

[Vile pushes Spike aside and throws the pan across the room.]

VVV: What are you cooking?

Spike: SPAM!

VVV: SPAM!?!

Spike: SPAM!

VVV: Dear God why?

Spike: I was just thinking about what you said to me a little while ago, about how our opponents think Spam is the key to victory.

VVV: Not that kind of-

Spike: and how it doesn't take any talent to just produce as much Spam as they possibly can.

VVV: What I meant wasssss-

Spike: You said they were just trying to bury us in bland, unoriginal Spam-

VVV: But-

Spike: and I have to disagree with you, Grandpa. I think this stuff is delicious!

VVV: Spike, I meant-

Spike: and you said that we could never compete with that level of output, because we actually put at least 30 seconds of thought into our promos before we start talking.

VVV: What you don't understand is-

Spike: and you were wrong, because I was able to cook 187 cans of Spam right now. It was easy!

VVV: Damn it, Spike! Listen to me!

Spike: all we have to do is eat all this Spam, and we can't lose!

[Vile slaps the Spam out of Spike's hand.]

VVV: NOT. THAT. KIND. OF. SPAM.

[Spike looks confused.]

Spike: was it turkey Spam?

[VVV hangs his head in shame.]

VVV: How did my ssssssperm let me down like thissss?

Spike: Come on, Grandpa! Cheer up! Help me eat all this!

VVV: Spike. Grandson. Listen carefully. When I said our opponents were trying to beat us by producing Spam, I meant they were just....

[Vile looks at his grandson. Spike looks like a lost puppy, hoping to be taken in and loved. Vile's tiny heart grew, ever so slightly. Just like the Grinch, abd it's not even Christmas!]

VVV: ...... give me a fork.

[Spike, filled with glee, hands his grandfather a fork filled with Spam.]

VVV: No trophy is worth this....

[SWAT Team]

(Team Fairtex is in their lockerroom enjoying watching VVV's promo on their IPads.)

Tong Fairtex: "Isn't it funny how VVV seems to think we're going to get all upset and angry over his immature comments about our father. You think VVV you're going to actually get us upset and make us lose our focus on this match. Are you really that stupid or are you just trying to use some psyche trick that's past it's prime."

Phantam Fairtex: "Oh it's so past it's prime along with his sex addiction with young boys and girls. Oh the shame of it that he should have to resort to propositioning or even tempting very young and impressionable kids just to get by on a series of promos even leading up to this tournament......"

(They tsk sadly.)

Tong Fairtex: "Now us using IPads isn't new in new in any sport.....Oh wait you probably haven't even caught up with the modern times have you VVV. I mean in pro sports there's football players who actually use IPads to watch the previous set of plays. Then again you still depend on your favorite source of scouting opponents during tournaments...."

Phantam Fairtex: "Old nickelodeon projectors that show silent film and instead of actual voices it's piano music. Oh and FYI VVV we do watch match tapes of our opponents when we prepare for such a prestigious tournament like the Anzac Cup."

Tong Fairtex: "Now this brings us to your sour grapes comment about us. Now we could have just let the part go about your whining about you being an up and coming team. You see that's laughable considering the fact that whoever is the best team is the winner. You know what that concept is VVV. We don't think so since you seem to be too stupid whining and crying about us being the Anzac Cup Tag Team Champions. That you need to bitch about it and stomp your feet or in this case Spike Nelson crapping in his pants filling bags of shit for some stupid immature practical joke on us or whoever else you plan on using that shit on."

Phantam Fairtex: "Who knows maybe they intend to sell it at some extravagant price just to pay for their taxi fare or more propositions for male escorts of the bisexual variety or even try to get a date with El Exotico and Flamouyant Red. Then again their probably going to make some art painting out of it as if that's going to make them famous artists. Imagine how embarrassing that would be."

Tong Fairtex: "Oh that would be so embarrassing. Imagine VVV spent all that promo time talking about our father and blah...blah....blah and this and IPad use that even we almost got bored to death if not for the fact your partner
saved your butt with his movie kiddie jokes about crapping in his pants."

Phantam Fairtex: "Oh and that stupid comment about gene pools. Oh you seem to forget that wrestling is made up of families who do wrestle. Do you know what that concept is. I don't think so. You seem to be like Industrial Man, who is upset over that same thing and whines about it all the time. There's Dark Phoenix and Phoenix.....See we know which one is which VVV but can you tell or are you going to whine and bitch about that too. Then there's us and the Hired Killers and our father before us. Then there's Dragonatrix and Dragon Belt, who's son debuted this year we might add. Oh and even if they aren't worthy to mention The Overlords."

Tong Fairtex: "Oh you can't mention them since VVV will get so hot and bothered."

Phantam Fairtex: "Sorry can't take it back due to the now rescinding comments clause of the promo code."

Tong Fairtex: "Mr. Legalese strikes again."

Phantam Fairtex: "Of course there's other wrestling families all over the place but that's just a few including you and Spike Nelson."

Tong Fairtex: "Makes you wonder how related are they considering the immaturity of Spike Nelson."

Phantam Fairtex: "Sorry I still can't take that comment back do to the promo clause."

Tong Fairtex: "Now notice we didn't bore you with such shit that just fill space VVV. We just kept it to just a few facts which seems to be too much for even you to absorb in that over taxed brain of yours and yes we'll come prepared as we always do. You see like a well oiled tag team machine we work as a team and we win, lose or draw as a team and that's the most important thing. You see we don't care if we face you. We care about one thing and that's defending the Anzac Cup and if we repeat as champions....fine. We repeat as champions. If you get lucky and move on but you choke in the finals. Hey that's on you Better Than Sex and you alone. Don't say we didn't warn you about all possibilities since we did."

Phantam Fairtex: "You tell them bro."

Tong Fairtex: "Now we're not seers or fortune tellers so we'll let the fates determine who moves on and if Lady Luck is queen and we beat you....Hey we beat you and move on to the finals......"

Phantam Fairtex: "If not we'll be back next year."

Tong Fairtex: "We won't look back but forward to next year. We'll be back to wrestling in all kinds of matches singles and tag teams......"

Phantam Fairtex: "Wait we just upset poor VVV by mentioning tag team matches as a violation of the tag team promo code."

Tong Fairtex: "They did it first so that's a technicality my fine brother Phantam."

Phantam Fairtex: "In a matter of moments we shall see who moves onto the finals and possibly the Anzac Cup."

(Phantam pretends to perform suspenseful silent film music.)

Tong Fairtex: "Who's going to reach the finals the anal perverts known as Better than Sex......."

(Phantam hits a crescendo.)

Tong Fairtex: "Or shall it be Team Fairtex who goes on to the finals to defend their championship against the other bracket finalists."

(Phantam hits a louder crescendo.)

Tong Fairtex: "Tonight we shall find out and expect a war. A war that's going to be violent and bloody. A war that's going to be hard hitting and not so easy. A war where to unmovable forces are also the immovable objects. Who's defenses are going to fall and who's going to prevail. Will it be Better than Sex with Spike Nelson and VVV. Or will it be brothers 'The Bangkok Hitman' Tong Fairtex and 'The Handsomest Face in SWAT' Phantam Fairtex also known as Team Fairtex. In a matter of moments we shall see if the next great porn stars Better Than Sex will win or will Team Fairtex get the right to compete again to retain the Anzac Cup."

Team Fairtex: "This and many other questions shall be answered in a matter of moments in the continuing series known as The Anzac Cup 2018 Tag Team Tournament."

Tong Fairtex: "Ready to do this."

Phantam Fairtex: "Let's do this."

(They figh five and fist bump before leaving the lockerroom as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[SWAT Team]

The door opens with a bang, and footsteps pound on the tile floor. Eric Dane remains seated, unconcerned.

Calico Rose: BAWSman, you in here?

Now he’s concerned.

Eric Dane: Uhhh. Cally?

Cally: What the crap, man? What’d we do to you? Totally hexed, totally hexed.

She paces, while Dane shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

Dane: Cally?

Cally: We came here because you asked us to. We followed your lead, we shouldered at least half the load, BAWSman, and you replace us? I’ll repeat, and please pardon my language, but what the crap?

Dane: Cally.

Cally: Why would you replace us?

Dane: CALLY.

Cally: What?

Dane: Can you give me, like, five minutes?

Finally, due to the magic of the promo, we pull back and see Cally pacing angrily in front of a closed bathroom stall door. With a row of urinals behind her, we can deduce that she has followed Eric Dane into the mens’ room to get answers to questions that… well, at the moment we don’t truly understand them.

Cally: Absolutely not, BAWSman. I’ve got you cornered, and I’m not leaving without some answers. You can’t slide out under the table this time.

We pause to consider that, but quickly abandon since Cally speaks her own language.

Dane: You stoned, kid?

Cally: No! Well… Yes, but that’s besides the point.

“Dane? You in there?”

Dane: Right here, Knox.

Impulse enters the room, but stops when he sees Cally.

Impulse: I was lookin’ for ya, to let you know Cally was lookin’ for ya, but… Yeah.

Dane: Can one of y’all tell me what the fuck is goin’ on?

Cally: He replaced us!

Impulse: I promise he didn’t replace us.

Cally: That’s not what I heard.

Dane: What did’ja hear?

Cally paces, and stops in front of one of the sinks, looking into the mirror dramatically.

Cally: Dong Fairsex said that the Noodle Incident is a team that likes to fight dirty, with people ready to interfere with the match.

Silence.

Dane: And?

Cally: …

Dane: AND?

Cally: That’s it. But that’s not RK and that’s not me, and for the most part that’s not you. What else am I supposed to think?

Impulse: ...That Team Fairtex is a pair of lazy clones that doesn’t do their research, and thinks that the SWAT fans will listen to what they say just because they say it?

She stops. Cally considers this, but she shakes her head.

Cally: I can’t accept that. There was Dong Fairsex, and there was also that Timeless guy choking out his wife’s husband with noodles, and that’s a totally hexed allusion to you guys choking someone out.

More silence.

Dane: Jesus fucking christ. Knox, can you handle this?

Impulse takes Cally by the hand and pulls her towards the door.

Impulse: Rosie, my love… I know it’s a difficult concept for you to wrap your head around, but I promise you I’m telling you the truth. The teams that are still in this tournament are uncreative, unimaginative douchebags. Dane hasn’t replaced us; Team Fairtex referred to us as dirty cheaters because, no matter how inaccurate the description, it fits the narrative they want to put forth.

Cally: You mean… someone would lie just to get over?

Dane: Haven’t you been involved in wrestling since you were like nineteen?

Impulse: Let me handle this, Eric. You know Cally, she sees the positive in everyone.

They stop at the door, where there’s a little bit of quiet, and Impulse looks into her eyes.

Cally: I really don’t get this. What sort of wrestler wouldn’t care about their opponents? What sort of wrestler wouldn’t give the ground floor level courtesy to at least learn the basics about who they’re facing and who they might face later that night?

Impulse: Ahh… everyone else left in this tournament?

Cally laughs.

Cally: You’re so cynical. Try to see the best in everyone. Like Dong Fairsex and his partner… what’s his name? Phantom? I bet you can’t say something nice about them.

They stand in silence. Cally shrugs.

Impulse: I’m thinking.

Cally: How about, they’re so compatible? They never disagree on anything. Isn’t that a positive?

Dane: They have the exact same opinions on everything. Their conversations only exist to reinforce what the other said. If they were married to each other, they’d both be stepford wives.

Impulse: Thanks, BAWSman.

Cally: Fine, fine. What about Timeless and his two minute noodles? He and his chick seem like they’re making it work with her ex.

Impulse: Did… did you watch the same thing as me?

Cally: Of course!

She stops, and thinks about it.

Cally: Maybe?

Impulse: They’re in love, and she’s married to someone else that’s evidently going to be their butler.

Cally doesn’t answer. She stands there, frozen, glassy - eyed, staring off into space.

Dane: I don’t wanna rush you two along, but if you don’t leave the room in the next thirty seconds to a minute, you won’t wanna make eye contact with me for a week.

Cally: That… no. No, no, no, no, no, RK. No. That might be the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Dane: Forty five more seconds and that’ll change.

Impulse: Sorry, babes - it’s true. Eric, we’re out.

Cally: No it’s not. Who would be that cold? Who would be that dumb? It’s even worse than the stepford dongs.

The door opens and closes almost noiselessly. For a moment, nothing.

Dane: Hey. Idiot with the camera. You’re not gonna want to stick around for this.

That’s all he needs to say.

[SWAT Team]

JEREMY TUCKER: Time for our first semi finals match. The winner advancing to the finals of the Anzac Cup. Team Fairtex is just two matches away from repeating as cup winners.

ANDREW FULTON: You mean team look at me, look at me! Egotistical attention seekers. Let’s send it down to get these introductions out of the way.

FRANK SALAZAR: Introducing first, weighing in a combined 470 pounds from BANGKOK, THAILAND they are the 2017 ANZAC CUP WINNERS……TONG AND PHANTAM FAIRTEXXXXXXXXXX!!!!

"He's So Fine" plays and Phantam Fairtex comes to the ring with two models one on each arm accompanied by his brother Tong and their two wrestling valet/wrestlers. He holds the ropes for the models and sends them away and walks like a model before doing a brief dance and strips to reveal his ring attire consisting of the Muy Thai fighting colored gear that Tong wears, dark wrestling boots and Thai Fighing streamers. Phantam goes to all four corners and says a brief prayer before going to his corner and jumps up and down pounding his chest and face with his fists glaring angrily as both the valet/wrestlers leave and Tong gives him advice while he psyches him up.

JEREMY TUCKER: Team Fairtex has to be stoked. One more win puts them in the finals and allows them a chance to defend the cup, something nobody expected.

ANDREW FULTON: Get the facts straight. Team Fairtex was HANDED this slot. This was supposed to be the KGB’s slot but management screwed them over because Team Fairtex was supposed to lose in the first round to Funny Business. Tong greased someone’s palm for this hand me down gift.

FRANK SALAZAR: Introducing now, weighing in at 259 pounds from BUCHAREST, ROMANIA this is VILEEEEEEEEE VINCEEEEEEE VIPERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

It’s a wonderful world by the Ramones begins to play as the fans begin to boo and throw trash at VVV. He pays no attention as he cracks his neck and stares down the aisle towards his opponents.

JEREMY TUCKER: This may be one of the most dangerous men in the industry today.

ANDREW FULTON: His actions are even a bit much for me but interesting at times to watch.

FRANK SALAZAR: And his tag team partner, weighing in at 187 pounds from the JERSEY SHORE, this is SIMPLY AMAZINGGGGGG SPIKKKKKKKKKKE NELSONNNNNNN!!!!! Together hm and his tag team partner are known as BETTTTTTTER THANNNNNN SEXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Dare to Be Stupid” by “Weird” Al Yankovic starts as the lights go out. A single spotlight hits the entrance, where a midget rolls out a cannon. He pulls a cord, and Spike Nelson goes hurtling out of the cannon, flying through the air and then doing a perfect front somersault on the entrance ramp. He runs down the rest of the way and slides into the ring, where he begins breakdancing….badly. Spike then jumps up to the top turnbuckle, does a backflip, then strikes a pose.

DING DING DING

JEREMY TUCKER: All four men squaring off in the middle of the ring. Spike running his mouth as the Fairtex brothers seem unimpressed. Tong and Phantam letting their opponents know that they are the defending cup winners.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike sticking his fingers in the chest of Tong while VVV stares a hole through Phantam without a care in the world.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike grabs his junk and tells Tong to come and get it. These four men are still in each others face and the referee is going to not separate them.

ANDREW FULTON: This far along into the cup you just need to let all four men go at it and tear each other up.

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong and Phantam reach their hands out to show a sign of good faith, Spike and VVV look at one another and go to shake hands before quacking hitting kicks to the groin and throwing fists at their opponents. Tong and Phantam are doubled over but fighting back.

ANDREW FULTON: Low blows a la carte! But the four men are letting their fists fly. I guess when you lack a set of balls you don’t feel the low blows.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike has Tong in the corner as he begins to throw fist after fist with VVV working on Phantam in the opposite corner. Phantam goes behind VVV and slams his head into the turnbuckle but VVV bounces back and headbutts Phatam and both me n going back to throwing fists.

ANDREW FULTON: I just checked the Vegas lines. And the odds are who gives a shit! Show me the blood. That’s what the lines should be.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV biting the forehead of Phantam while Spike is just slapping the chest of Tong. I can’t tell if Tong is laughing or sadistically smiling at the attempted slaps of Spike.

ANDREW FULTON: It doesn’t appear Tong is taking Spike seriously at all.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV delivering stiff kicks to Phantams legs and then drops down with a few fist shots to the groin. Meanwhile across the way Tong has had enough and he’s laying a beat down on Spike with fists across the back and multiple Muy Thai style kicks. Spike damn near in a fetal position at this point.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike is laughing. HE LIKES IT JEREMY, SPIKE REALLY LIKES IT!

JEREMY TUCKER: You are watching 80s commercials again aren’t you.

ANDREW FULTON: It’s all about life man!

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV goes for a kick but Phantam catches him and whips him around into the corner. Phantam now choking VVV with his hands around the throat and follows it up with a few knees to the midsection. Tong with a Muy Thai style kick to the side of Spikes neck and joins h is brother in the corner.

ANDREW FULTON: This may not be the match for Spike. Team Fairtex shouldn’t have made it this far once again, but now that they have there has to be a lot of anger built up about the negativity when it comes to them.

JEREMY TUCKER: Team Fairtex grabs VVV and whips him into the ropes. Double dropkick by Team Faritex Phantam holds VVV down as Tong hits a sommersault cannonball. Team Fairtex to their feet as VVV rolls out of the ring but here comes little Spike.

ANDREW FULTON: VVV outside of the ring is always a dangerous thing.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike charges across the ring and leaps up into the air but Tong catches him and hits a lightning fast belly to belly suplex. Tong grabs the legs of Spike and kicks him in the midsection as Phantam now grabs the legs of Spike and hits a giant swing.

ANDREW FULTON: One would think the best move of this match is to keep VVV isolated and work on Spike. However the referee seems to have thrown all the rules out and he’s going to let these four men do as they please.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV has entered the ring again as Spike is holding the back of his head. Tong greets VVV with a Muy Thai kick and Phantam joins him as they grab VVV and whip him across the ring. VVV lands back first into the turnbuckles as Tong runs over and hits a lariat. He holds VVV by the neck against the turnbuckles choking him.

ANDREW FULTON: I almost feel bad for VVV as the referee is showing no order in this match!

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong sends VVV towards Phantam but VVV ducks under the arms of Phantam and turns him around to hit a spinning heel kick. Spike now up to his feet Tong rushes over and is greeted with a spinning heel kick as well.

ANDREW FULTON: It’s a wonderful life is playing in the arena again. What is this carap? VVV can have his music played anytime he hits a move?

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam up to his feet, VVV with another spinning heel kick but his leg is caught by Phantam and he throws it around. VVV nails Spike in the side of the head with that spinning heel kick, The fans on their feet clapping for that.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike just can’t catch a break in this match so far.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV looking on in horror but Phantam grabs him by the back of the head and drags him to the corner driving his head into the turnbuckle repeatedly. Tong pulls off a piece of tape and begins to choke VVV in the corner. The referee checking on Spike doesn’t notice the choking.

ANDREW FULTON: Last year team Fairtex was given the easy road to the finals, and sure enough this year they were given another easy road to the semi finals. I’m still livid that the KGB was screwed.

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam stops choking for a moment and takes a few steps back and hits a Russian sickle. He wraps his arms around the head of VVV who shoves him off, Spike is there to greet him a jumping hurricanrana! VVV and Spike now pick up Phantam and place him upon the top turnbuckle.

ANDREW FULTON: If you give VVV an opening it’s going to be the start of a very bad work day. And so far in this match VVV has had the shorter end of the stick.

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong on his feet now as Spike notices and charges at him but gets back bodydropped over the top rope but lands on the apron. VVV hits a handbspring elbow though while Spike delivers Enzugiri to the back of the head of Tong.

ANDREW FULTON: Wicked one two punch by Better Than Sex. Gotta give credit where credit is due.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike going up the turnbuckles and hits a sommersault leg drop and then quickly pops to his feet and runs across the ring and hits a hurricanrana on Phantam. Spike on his feet again talking trash to the crowd.

ANDREW FULTON: The little spit fire is running on meth or cocaine. I wonder if he’s been buying from the ACW suppliers. That was just an insane amount of energy he just had.

JEREMY TUCKER: The fans are booing as Better Than Sex are standing tall in the middle of the ring. Spike is trying to get an OVER RATED chant started but the fans aren’t having it.

ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex doesn’t appear to be impressed with their opponents but they’re not being paid by the hour. Stop running your mouths and just end this match already.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike and VVV grab Team Fairtex and whip them into each other but the Fairtex brothers reverse it but Better Than Sex reverses the reverse but are both met with a Muy Thai style kick. Tong grabs VVV and Phantam grabs Spike.

ANDREW FULTON: STEREO PARALYZERS!!! A double modified stun gun. Team Fairtex just got this crowd off their asses and on their feet with that move.

JEREMY TUCKER: Team Fairtex talking things over and both leave the ring. They lift up the ring apron and start pulling out a handful of toys. A ringbell has been tossed into the ring, a set of ladders, holy shit a tazer as well. Looks like a handful of chairs to match.

ANDREW FULTON: Christmas in May! Oh Jeremy it really is a wonderful life!

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV and Spike are on their feet and Tong jumps upon the ring apron. Spike leaps up for a hurricanrana and VVV blasts Tong with a standing sidekick sending him crashing down onto the floor.

ANDREW FULTON: Once again a beautiful one two punch by this team of Better Than Sex.

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam leaps upon the ring apron and eats a standing side kick as well from VVV. Spike and VVV climb up the turnbuckles and hit a frog splash in stereo onto their fallen opponents outside of the ring.

ANDREW FULTON: These four men don’t have a care in the world and want to inflict punishment at all costs. But now we’re in the devils playground and that’s not good news for Team Fairtex.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV screaming at Tong and telling him anything him and his brother do he can do better. VVV is walking back up the aisle and through the curtains. Spike has left with him. Have Better Than Sex just walked out of the match?

ANDREW FULTON: VVV leaving can’t be good news for Tong and Phantam.

JEREMY TUCKER: I hear some loud booing but I can’t see what’s taking place.

ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex drawing boos? Imagine that.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike has just come out with a fire extinguisher in one hand and he’s carrying something in the other. Wait a second, VVV is dragging out a ladder! We’ve got a good twenty five foot ladder being dragged down the aisle. That’s what he meant! He just brought out the big boy toy.

ANDREW FULTON: VVV is always willing to kill himself if it gets him what he wants. This is just a bit much though.

JEREMY TUCKER: Better Than Sex in the ring now and trying to position that monster ladder but here comes Team Fairtex now. Tong charges VVV and hits a clothesline and we have Phantam and Spike going at it across the ring. Tong hits a forearm smash on VVV, Phantam hits a forearm smash on Spike.

ANDREW FULTON: The brothers are in synch for this match but Tong is screaming something that’s not in English. Whatever it is can’t be good for VVV.

JEREMY TUCKER: The brothers now hitting Muy Thai style kicks on their opponents and the fans are clapping with each kick that’s delivered. Tong takes a few steps back and measures VVV and spears him into the corner. VVV takes a step forward and falls flat on his face.

ANDREW FULTON: The fans on their feet cheering Tong who lays the boots into the ribs of VVV.

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam with a back elbow to the face of Spike. Team Fairtex looks up at the monster ladder and then go to set up one of the smaller ladders as well. Spike gets to his feet but grabbed by the Fairtex brothers who throw him face first into one of the ladders. Spike bounces off the ladder like a quarter on a tight sheet.

ANDREW FULTON: I’ve not seen rubber balls bounce like that! Spike should be in the NBA because that was a flop if I’ve ever seen one.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV back on his feet but is grabbed by Team Fairtex and whipped right into his partner as both men are laying back against the ladder. Spike having taken the brunt of that punishment. Tong grabs VVV and tosses him aside as Tong and Phantam talk it over and pick up Spike. Tong has him in a gorilla press position and drops him chest first over the smaller ladder.

ANDREW FULTON: The referee is basically going to let these four men duke it out. And that’s the way it should be this far into the tournament. The best four teams are remaining and you’re looking at two of them.

JEREMY TUCKER: The brothers Fairtex grab Spike and shoot him into the ropes, double shoulder block by the brothers. Spike holding the back of his head rolls towards the ropes and once again Team Fairtex discusses strategy.

ANDREW FULTON: The more I’m watching this match, the more I’m wondering if VVV isn’t just playing possum. Spike has taken a beating and Team Fairtex has been using a lot of energy. But VVV almost appears like he’s on vacation.

JEREMY TUCKER: And as if they’re hearing you, Tong grabs VVV and throws him over the top rope but VVV holds the top rope and is on the ring apron. Tong charges over but his forearm is blocked and VVV blasts Tong with a few fists.

ANDREW FULTON: I told you! The guy is picking and choosing his spots to remain the fresher man in the match.

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam dashes out of nowhere and nails a superman punch to VVV sending him off the ring apron and onto the floor. Spike now crawling back into the ring but is met by Phantam who grabs him by the neck and drags him across the ring. Phantam pulls Spike up and hits a running powerslam.

ANDREW FULTON: This guy has to be on meth. How else can you take so much abuse and keep coming back for more? It’s insane to say the least.

JEREMY TUCKER: The brothers are talking things over once again but Spike is on his knees and crawls behind Phantam and delivers a low blow. Meanwhile Tong was climbing up the turnbuckles but just ate a dropkick from Spike. Tong is crotched over the top turnbuckle now.

ANDREW FULTON: This little ball of spitfire just won’t go away. He’s taken the brunt of the blows on this match while his partner has been coasting with minimal punishment.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV slides back into the ring now but very gingerly. Better Than Sex climbing the turnbuckles to work on Tong but Phantam rushes over and grabs VVV and places him onto his shoulders and walks across the ring and hits a fallaway slam driving VVV neck first into the corner.

ANDREW FULTON: I’m not sure after the body takes it’s final body count of blows if there would be anything better than sex after a night like this.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike going for a DDT but gets shoved off by Tong. Spike bounces off the top rope and lands onto the floor outside the ring. Tong gets off the turnbuckles but is greeted by VVV with a vicious running forearm. He whips Tong into the ropes and hits another forearm. Tong appears busted open now as you can see blood trickling down his face.

ANDREW FULTON: Phantam outside looking for more goodies to play with it appears.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV now turns his attention to outside the ring and runs across the ring and leaps onto the top turnbuckle and comes flying off with a double axe handle smash to the back of Phantam sending him crashing into the guard rail.

ANDREW FULTON: VVV has become a one man wrecking crew here taking out the brothers as Spike is making his way back into the ring.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV back to his feet and quickly rolls back into the ring and grabs Tong and goes to lift him up but eats a back elbow from Tong. Tong goes to grab VVV but gets shoved towards the corner, VVV charges but Tong leaps up in the air only to be grabbed by VVV and hit with an exploder suplex.

ANDREW FULTON: Perfect timing and execution by VVV.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV takes one look at the fallen Tong and goes for the cover.



ONE…………………








TWO……………………………









T……………..











ANDREW FULTON: These four men have been so worried about brutalizing each other that was our first pin attempt of the match. VVV jumps to his feet and stares at the referee.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV spots a chair and places it over the face of Tong and no sooner then he does that Spike comes flying off the top turnbuckle and connects with a sommersault legdrop. Spike looks for the cover but VVV stops him and says he has other plans.

ANDREW FULTON: That could have been the perfect time to put away Team Fairtex. If Better Than Sex loses the match you can point back to this very spot.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike runs across the ring and leaps onto the top turnbuckle and hits a standing shooting star press onto Phantam outside of the ring. The fans get on their feet and for the first time tonight give a standing O in this match for Better Than Sex.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike when he’s on his game has killer ring presence. But where does all of that energy keep coming from?

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike back on his feet and points towards his fallen opponent and drops down to the ground and starts breakdancing. Some women are throwing dollar bills at him while the men begin to boo.

ANDREW FULTON: Is this fool trying out for America’s Got Talent or what?

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV leaves the ring and sets up a row of chairs and places Tong on the row of chairs. He now yells at Spike who leaps up onto the ring apron and runs across the ring apron, leaps onto the top rope and hits a springboard shooting star press onto Tong driving him through the chairs.

ANDREW FULTON: SHOOTING STAR SPIKE!!!!!! Someobody calls that boys momma, Tong is down for the count! Better yet call Ed McMahons relatives and bring back start search, that was 5 stars! You hear me Dave Meltzer? FIVE STARS!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike is draped over Tong and the fans are all on their feet clapping in amazement. Spike may have just sacrificed himself to win the match.

ANDREW FULTON: I can watch that move on replay all night long.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV on his feet just looking on in amazement. I don’t think he even believes what he just saw happen. VVV checks on his partner who is finally on his knees with a sick smile on his face. After a few moments VVV seems satisfied that his partner is good to go and slides back into the ring. VVV cleaning up the ring moving things around and clearing out the clutter.

ANDREW FULTON: If this is the semi finals what in the hell will the finals have in store for either one of these two teams?

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam has rolled himself into the ring but he’s busted open. VVV grabs a chair and turns around but Phantam quick to his feet grabs the chair as both men are fighting over it. Phantam with a kick to the side of VVV but VVV delivers a kick of his own right back.

ANDREW FULTON: A battle for the chair? All of the weapons in the ring and we’re going to fight over a chair?

JEREMY TUCKER: Another kick by Phantam and another kick by VVV. Both men trading kicks hoping the other will release their grip on the chair. Phantam loads up for another Muy Thai style kick but is attacked from behind by Spike Nelson. Spike with a clothesline to the back of the head but it rams the chair into his partner. VVV takes the brunt of the hit.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike has had some miscues tonight but he’s had some phenomenal moments as well. I guess he’s just a walking clusterfuck but he has some shining moments.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV shakes it off and grabs Phantam and hoists him up in the air. Buckle bomb by VVV driving the upper back and head of Phantam into the corner. VVV grabs Phantam and applies an abdominal stretch. VVV asking Phantam who the new Anzac Cup winners are. VVV rocking ack and forth and releases the abdominal stretch only to grab Phantam and hit a single arm powerbomb driving Phantam onto one of the ladders.

ANDREW FULTON: Was the abdominal stretch really necessary? Better Than Sex is having their way in this match. That was just a slap to the face.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike is up on the top turnbuckle but Tong just delivered a low blow to him knocking him off the turnbuckles. VVV turns his attention to Tong and goes towards him but Tong pulls down the ropes and VVV goes flying over the ropes and landing on his shoulder.

ANDREW FULTON: Tong a bloody mess may have just saved Phantam from losing this match.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike gets his head together and hits a flipping neck snap onto Tong sending both men crashing onto the ground. Spike to his feet goes up the ring steps and climbs the turnbuckles but is met by Phantam who grabs him and tosses him across the ring with a belly to belly suplex. Phantam up on his feet letting out a blood curling scream.

ANDREW FULTON: Just when I think Team Fairtex is done they come back to life. They really want to repeat as the AC winners.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike pulls himself up with the help of the ropes and eats a superman punch. A bloody Tong rolls into the ring as Phantam goes to check on him and help him to his feet. Team Fairtex grab Spike who stands wobbling trying to maintain his balance. Tong and Phantam look at one another and smile before hitting a double Muy Thai style kick sending Spike into one of the ladders. Tong going for the cover.




ONE………………………………









TWO…………………………









TH…………………











ANDREW FULTON: Spike had a nervous twitch and his arm got up. I think if his body hadn’t gone into convulsion mode that this match would be over.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV enters the ring and attacks Tong with a steel chair and sends him into the corner. VVV now nails Phantam in the back with the same chair. VVV attacks the midsection of Phantam with that chair repeatedly before tossing it aside. He attacks Tong from behind a clothesline and as Tong slumps down onto his ass, VVV begins choking him with his boot.

ANDREW FULTON: Choking him with the boost is the least of that mans worries. He should be so luck that is all VVV is doing at the moment.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV now with several boot scrapes across the face of Tong. VVV laughing with it and every scrape as the blood just runs down Tongs face. VVV turns his back and starts taunting the crowd as Tong rolls out of the ring but holds onto the ropes. VVV turns around and dives through the ropes, grabs the arm of Tong off the ring apron and hits a Japanese arm drag onto the floor. Once again VVV lands on that shoulder of his but that move gets the fans on their feet.

ANDREW FULTON: I’ve seen a lot of things in my life but not sure I’ve ever seen a suicide dive Japanese arm drag off the ring apron onto the outside floor. Just add that to the list of highlight reel moves tonight.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike makes his way around the ring and picks up Tong who gets hit with a thrust kick to the head by VVV. Spike sets up a row of chairs once again as Better Than Sex place Tong on that row of chairs.

ANDREW FULTON: Last time we saw this , Spike hit the five star highlight reel of the night. What’s up his sleeve now?

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV slides back into the ring and takes pause but Phantam is standing in the corner holding the back of his neck. Phantam now attacks VVV from behind and hits an atomic drop followed by a swinging full nelson into a back bridge pin.





ONE…………………….









TWO…………………….









TH………………………….











ANDREW FULTON: VVV with the shoulder up. VVV keeps this match going.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike back in the ring now as he starts moving more toys around the ring. VVV rolls out of the ring and Phantam has spotted Spike. Phatam grabs Spike and whips him into the ropes but Spike jumps onto the top rope and hits the springboard shooting star press onto Tong and again he drives him throw the row of chairs.

ANDREW FULTON: SHOOTING STAR SPIKE!!!!!! A move so nice we’ve had to see it twice!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam holds his face in his hands, can’t believe he just caused such a chaotic mess. Better Than Sex talking things over as they make their way back towards the ring apron. VVV is the first man in the ring and Phantam charges him as both men begin to exchange punches.

ANDREW FULTON: Better Than Sex has been through such a hellacious evening. How much is going to be left if they are to advance?

JEREMY TUCKER: Punch by VVV, Muy Thai style kick by Phatam. Punch by VVV, Muy Thai style kick by Phantam. And back and forth both men go exchanging the punches with kicks. VVV goes for the punch but Phantam ducks, Phantam with a Muy Thai style kick but VVV ducks, both men go for a spinning heel kick, both men connect and both men are down,.

ANDREW FULTON: Fans are on their feet and if you need to take a piss you are picking the wrong match to go. Concession stands have nobody buying food or merchandise right now I promise you this.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV and Phantam are crawling towards each other and it looks like they[re both reaching for that tazer gun that’s been laying in the ring for awhile now. Spike has just entered the ring out of nowhere and he’s got a chair in hand. But here comes a bloody Tong rolling into the ring and he’s holding his back. This guy should not be competing right now and the doctors should be taking him to the back.

ANDREW FULTON: Tong not going out like this. He wants to win this AC for the second year In a row. And if he can move any part of his body he’s going to stay in this match.

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong and Spike are going at it and Phantam and VVV are fighting one another as VVV keeps looking down at that tazer. VVV shoves Tong into the ropes who runs into Phantam off the rebound. Tong grabs Spike and send him into the ropes and then drops him over the top rope off the rebound with a back bodydrop.

ANDREW FULTON: Spike crashing into that pile of chairs outside the ring. Team Fairtex with a two on one advantage in the ring right now.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike shakes off the cobwebs and climbs slowly back up tie ring steps as VVV and Tong are going at it with rapid fist shots still seeing who is going to fall first. Spike into the ring and attacks Tong from behind, he spins Tong around and goes for a clothesline but Tong ducks, Spike spins around and both men connect with a lariat sending each man down to the canvas.

ANDREW FULTON: Tong is a bloody mess, Spike has had so much adrenaline he just pops up after every move and hasn’t allowed his body to rest. He’s running on fumes and it may have finally caught up to him.

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam attacks VVV from behind and grabs a steel Singapore cane and drives it into the back of his neck and then throws him over the top rope. VVV lands in that stack of chairs on that shoulder. His shoulder has taken a brunt of punishment this match and if he and his partner advance how good will that shoulder be?

ANDREW FULTON: The advantage of this match is the winner have more time to rest then their finalists opponents whoever they may be.

JEREMY TUCKER: We have carnage and blood and bodies everywhere. Finally we’ve got some doctors coming down to ringside. One has to wonder if they’re not going to throw this match out? There’s to much bodily harm done to all four men right now.

ANDREW FULTON: That would make the winner of the next match the AC winners? Wouldn’t that create even more demonic chaos amongst Team Fairtex and Better Than Sex.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike on the other side of the ring sneaks in and attacks Phantam from behind. Phantam quickly turns around and the two men are going off on one another. The doctors help Tong to his feet but he shoves them both off and enters the ring and bum rushes Spike from behind.

ANDREW FULTON: The doctors are loading up a stretcher and look like they’re going to take VVV out of this match. Team Fairtex going off on Spike and just beating him relentlessly.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike doing his best to fight back hits a low blow on Tong and a low blow on Phantam. Spike gets up and delivers an enzugiri to Tong and one to Phantam. Spike now with a handspring elbow to Tong and a handspring elbow to Phantam. Spike is cleaning house and fighting with everything that’s left in the gas tank.

ANDREW FULTON: VVV being loaded onto the stretcher. I don’t think Spike has a clue that he’s going to have to do this on his own now. The doctors seem to be focused on the right shoulder of VVV who is screaming to let him go but the doctors are holding him down on that stretcher as they try to strap him in.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike starts dancing around the ring and making monkey noises. He’s lost his mind.

ANDREW FULTON: SPOT MONKEY 4 LIFE!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike sets Tong up on the top turnbuckle and walks across the ring, handspring after handspring after handspring, Spike leaps up and hits a diamond cutter onto Tong.

ANDREW FULTON: SPIKE CUTTER!!!!!!! SPIKE CUTTER!!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike now runs across the ring and leaps onto the top turnbuckle and hits a flipping neck snap onto Phantam. Spike is cleaning house. Spike turns his attention back to Tong and grabs him whipping him into his brother and hits a dropkick onto them both out of nowhere!

ANDREW FULTON: Super Spike is in the match! He starts dancing around again SPOT MONKEY 4 LIFE!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong out of nowhere spears Spike onto one of the ladders in the ring. There’s some serious screaming taking place and I can’t tell what’s happening.

ANDREW FULTON: BLACK VENOM!!!!!!! VVV just sprayed that black venom into the face of each and every doctor that was near him. VVV is unstrapping himself and making his way up the ring steps. The doctors were going to take VVV to the back and he just gave all of them BLACK VENOM!!!!!! VVV is going to take a huge hit to the pocket book for that.

JEREMY TUCKER: Tong Faiirtex climbs the turnbuckles and leaps off the top one but VVV sprays that black mist in the face of Tong and Spike delivers super kick as a result of the mist.

ANDREW FULTON: BLACK VENOM AND SUPERKICK!!!!!!

JEREMY TUCKER: Phantam makes his way towards Better Than Sex and he takes a superkick from Spike. Phantam falls into the ropes but comes back and takes out Better Than Sex with a double clothesline but both men are wobbly and Phantam hits a double Muy Thai Style kick sending Better Than Sex onto the canvas.

ANDREW FULTON: I’m biting my nails man. This is getting so hard to predict a winner now. VVV fighting when he shouldn’t be, Spike should be dead but he’s been a human highlight reel and Team Fairtex just can’t be killed off or put away.

JEREMY TUCKER: Tubthumping begins to play throughout the arena and Spike just did a kip up. He’s pounding on his chest and he’s got new life in him.

ANDREW FULTON: You can’t kill a spot monkey Jeremy it’s just not possible.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV to his knees now as Phantam turns his attention towards him. VVV goes for the mist but Phantam turns his back on him and avoids the Black Venom. But he runs into Spike who just tazered Phantam in the nuts!!!! Spike holding that tazer to the nuts of Phantam and he’s not letting go. Phantam drops to his knees but the tazer is still going off. VVV off the ropes and goes for a baseball slide dropkick but stops and slides by Phantam spraying him in the face with the mist.

ANDREW FULTON: BLACK MIST!!!!!!! Holy shit do you smell that? We got grade A prime cooked rocky mountain oysters cooking in the middle of the ring!!

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV to his feet and signals that it’s over. VVV climbs the turnbuckles and hits a back flip knee strike to the head of Phantam.

ANDREW FULTON: CRESCENT MOON KILLER!!!!! It’s all over but the crying.

JEREMY TUCKER: Spike is doing the worm in the middle of the ring as VVV goes for the cover.





ONE………………………..









TWO………………………………









THRE…………………………………









The referee goes to slap the mat at the count of three when Spike does the worm over the top of his partner and the referee. He stops the count. Spike continues to do the worm as VVV stares at the referee and the referee stares at VVV.












E!!!!!!!!!!!!!















ANDREW FULTON: Spike just inadvertently did the worm over his partner and the referee. I can’t tell if the match has ended or not.

JEREMY TUCKER: VVV on his feet and he makes a throat slash while staring at the referee. It looks like he’s bout to spray that venom in the face of the referee.











DNIG DING DING










FRANK SALAZAR: Your winners of the match and advancing to the finals of the 2018 Anzac Cup the team of SPIKE NELSON AND VILE VINCE VIPER…BETTTTTTTTERRRRRRRRR THANNNNNNNNNNN SEXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!

ANDREW FULTON: I think the referee just made a poor judgement call. One can easily say that the count should have been stopped and this match continued. But VVV threatened to spray that Black Venom in the face of the referee. He had no choice but to ring the bell and save himself as well as his potential career as a referee.

JEREMY TUCKER: I don’t know about this. I feel this was a tainted decision but the hand was coming down at the count of three when Spike did the worm over everyone. It all depends on how you look at it.

ANDREW FULTON: No matter how you look at it, Better Than Sex is going to the finals and this has to be a heart breaking loss for Team Fairtex and a controversial loss at that.

It’s a wonderful life begins to play in the arena as Spike suddenly stops doing the worm. He slowly gets to his feet and appears to be sad when Dare to be stupid stars to play and the camera fades out to a happy Spike dancing like a monkey in the middle of the ring as VVV keeps his eyes locked on the referee.

[SWAT Team]

[Orion - Eternity (Chillout Version) hits and Timeless struts down the aisle, glaring at the crowd with contempt and disgust. Roxylishus stops to interact with one of the crowd, then wretches and turns away heading to the ring, she gets up on the apron and holds the ropes down for Timeless.

Roxylishus grabs the mic and passes it to Turner.]

Timeless : I got passion in my pants and i Ain’t afraid to show it.

Crowd : I’M, SEXY AND I KNOW IT!

Timeless : No (holding his hand up to block them) Your not! I (points to himself with his thumb) AM!

[Timeless drops the mic and saunters smugly around the ring impressed with himself.]

Frank Salazar : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL .... AND IS A SEMI FINAL MATCH UP ... INTRODUCING FIRST, ACCOMPANIED BY ROXYLISHUS (fans scream and cat call she poses for them, my gawd, smoking hot) .... HAILING FROM NEW HOPE, MINNESOTTA .... COMING IN AT 6’3 & 262 LBS .... TIMELESS ALEX TURNER!!!!

AND HIS TAG TEAM PARTNER, HAILING FROM THE HOLLYWOOD HILLS .... COMING IN AT 6’4 & 245 LBS .... CHRISTIAN SEBASTIAN KENNEDY!!!!

[Vilify by Device hits. The lights go out with a spotlight dimming on center stage. CSK is shown with his back facing everyone and his arms spread out. Black lights are used in the arena until getting into the ring. He turns around and dumps a golden chalice filled with some strange liquid over the top of his head. It's considered his holy water.]

Frank Salazar : AND INTRODUCING THEIR OPPONENTS ... COMING IN AT A COMBINED WEIGHT OF 428 LBS .... THE ONLY STAR ... ERIC DANE!!! IMPULSE!!! THE NOODLE INCIDENT!!!!

["The Devil Beneath My Feet" by Marilyn Manson hits and both Eric Dane and Impulse head down to the ring, they are accompanied by Calico Rose.]

Jeremy Tucker : Here we go folks, 2nd semi final under_way.

Andrew Fulton : Look at Roxylishus! Man, she will be in movies soon, just you watch, now she has conquered the Reality TV World and the internet with it, movies is all that awaits.

Jeremy Tucker : What about, I don’t know, the_match?

Andrew Fulton : Oh that. Well ... its a good match yeah, but (holds his hands up weighing them up and down) Anzac Cup (one hand goes up) Roxylishus! (other hand goes right up and first hand drops down) The scales don’t lie Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : (ignoring Fulton) Eric Dane and Timeless to start things off and the ref calls for the bell . They warily both circle each other and tie up ... ARM Drag by Dane! Wow! Timeless looks pissed and Dane is thrilled with himself. Timeless back to his feet and they hook up again, BANG! Timeless with the arm drag!

Andrew Fulton : Two technicians of the purest order.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane looks at Timeless begrudgingly, Timeless giving him that anything you can do i can do better shit eating grin. Then they both go to hook up .. hip toss by Timeless!

Andrew Fulton : Roxylishus clapping excitedly on the outside. Dane jumps to his feet angrily and delivers a hip toss of his own.

Jeremy Tucker : You know, when i watched the latest segment with the Noodle Incident pre match, i had a fit of panic thinking we had gotten their names wrong or something; turns out they were just mocking Team Fairtex.

Andrew Fulton : What a waste of time, like they were ever going to get by Better Than Sex! Viper is only THE BEST wrestler to EVER live!

Jeremy Tucker : Dane whips Timeless to the ropes, he bounces off and Dane nails him with a perfectly executed dropkick. Unreal! Timeless no sells it, jumps to his feet and hits Dane with a drop kick of his own!

Andrew Fulton : These two are like mirror images of each other. I dig them both, and this contest. Who will prevail?

Jeremy Tucker : CSK tags himself in, and Dane and Timeless glare at each other as Timeless reluctantly leaves the ring. CSK circles Dane, and Impulse yells out for a tag as well, and Dane accommodates. CSK vs Impulse!

Andrew Fulton : Impulse comes into the ring and man is he scrawny, not that short at 5’11 but only 188 lbs?

Jeremy Tucker : He is wirey.

Andrew Fulton : Wirey?

Jeremy Tucker : Wirey. CSK goes for a hook up but Impulse ducks it and hits a hard kick to the thigh of CSK. CSK goes for a right hand, Impulse evades it and connects with a swinging neckbreaker.

Andrew Fulton : Impulse is real quick.

Jeremy Tucker : He is, but CSK hits a leg sweep, then mounts him and drops some heavy right hands. Impulse wiggles out and somehow is back to his feet, like some kind of contortionist.

Andrew Fulton : What was that?

Jeremy Tucker : I don’t know, but CSK looks bewildered, and WHAM! Back Cracker from Impulse!

Andrew Fulton : Impulse tags in Dane.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane enters the ring and nails CSK with a snap suplex!

Andrew Fulton : Scoop slam from Dane to CSK!

Jeremy Tucker : Dane hamming it to the crowd and taunting Roxylishus ... low blow! CSK just hit him with a low blow!

Andrew Fulton : CSK is irate and delivers a gut wrench suplex.

Jeremy Tucker : DISCUSS ELBOW from CSK! Connects! Danes jaw could be broken and he is clutching at it!

Andrew Fulton : Timeless calls for a tag, but CSK ignores him and starts stomping on Dane.

Jeremy Tucker : CSK hits an Argentine Backbreaker and then a Swinging DDT! Goes for a cover!

One .............................

Two ..........

Kick out by Dane.

Andrew Fulton : CSK up to his feet and admonishing the ref on the count ... Timeless reaches across and tags himself in and tells CSK to get out of there.

Jeremy Tucker : These two are not functioning well Fulton.

Andrew Fulton : Dane up to his feet and Timeless challenges him to a test of strength, holding his hands high in the air.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane can’t refuse, the ego maniac! Don’t do it! He has a metal hand!

Andrew Fulton : They clutch hands together, and Timeless squeezing hard with his metal hand, Dane drops to his knee’s and releases the other hand ... prone and at Timeless’s mercy.

Jeremy Tucker : He has no mercy! Dane is going red, Timeless could be breaking his hand! LOW BLOW!

Andrew Fulton : The magic equaliser! Dane with the low blow and Timeless releases the hand of Dane, and he is holding it like something is real wrong. He tags Impulse in and boots Timeless square in the face dropping him while he was holding his balls.

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse springboards into the ring and hits a missile drop kick on Timeless.

Andrew Fulton : Impulse with a leg scissors on Timeless. He grapevines the leg.

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse torquing away on the submission. Timeless rolls over and Impulse rolls with him and turns it into a half Boston Crab.

Andrew Fulton : Impulse a submission expert! Timeless reaching for the ropes and trying to get to them but can’t.

Jeremy Tucker : Roxylishus tries to push the ropes closer for him, and Calico Rose having none of that runs over and pushes her away from the ropes.

Andrew Fulton : Ref telling Roxylishus to stay out of the match and she ignores him and turns and SLAPS Calico Rose right in the chops!

Jeremy Tucker : Rose loses it and spears her and the women start rolling around on the floor swinging wildly at each other.

Andrew Fulton : Rip her top off Cally!

Jeremy Tucker : Ref leaning thru the ropes telling them to cool it, and CSK runs in the ring and breaks the submission with a big boot to Impulse. That’s enough for Dane and he runs in there too, and Dane and CSK are now duking it out!

Andrew Fulton : Roxylishus’s new husband Tobias Lishus runs down to ringside, wearing a butler outfit and is trying to see to Roxylishus, and Impulse slides out and tells him to scram, and then pulls Cally off of Roxy.

Jeremy Tucker : Dane with a snap suplex on CSK.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless with an exploder suplex on Dane!

Jeremy Tucker : Impulse hits Timeless with a hurricanrana! Holds on though and turns it into an octopus type submission!

Andrew Fulton : CSK grabs the back of the hair of Impulse and violently hooks him and rips him off Timeless dropping him with a thudding Scorpian death Drop!

Jeremy Tucker : CSK gets speared by Dane! The Only Star just speared CSK and he is up celebrating! SUPERKICK! Timeless with a superkick on Dane! NO!!!! Dane ducked it! Impulse grabs Timeless and Germans suplexes him just as Eric Dane clotheslines him! Great double team move!

Andrew Fulton : Noodle’s on top! CSK back to his feet and starts duking it out with Dane!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless looks cooked after that double team move. What’s this. Tobias Lishus, the husband of Roxy just entered the ring. He charges TIMELESS and mounts him and starts wailing on him with wild lefts and rights! Ref looking on and calls for the bell. NOOOOO!!!!!

Andrew Fulton : What’s going on?

Jeremy Tucker : Referee is talking with Frank.

Frank Salazar : WINNERS OF THE MATCH ... BY DISQUALIFICATION.... CSK & TIMELESS!!!!

Andrew Fulton : WOW!

Jeremy Tucker : NO! This is bullshit! Timeless and CSK slide out of the ring and Roxylishus leads them up the ramp. Tobias Lishus is standing in the ring proud of himself yelling at Timeless, SHE IS MY WIFE! He backs up impressed with himself and walks backwards, right into a raging Eric Dane!

Andrew Fulton : Dane is shaking he is that hot!

Jeremy Tucker : Tobias turns around, and Dane clobbers him with a devastating Lariat! What a Clothesline! Dane picks up Toby ..... PILEDRIVER!!!!

Andrew Fulton : Impulse is not pleased either, he is talking with the ref, and the ref explaining about the interference, CSK and Timeless gone up the ramp, and TheNoodle Incident, GONE OUT THE TOURNEY!

Jeremy Tucker : I’m shocked! Coming up next folks, the FINAL! BETTER THAN SEX Vs CSK & TIMELESS!!!

[SWAT Team]

(Team Fairtex is being attended to by the doctors their expressions aren't what anyone would be expecting.)

Tong Fairtex: "You know everyone is expecting us to be whining and crying over our loss. Everyone is going to be expecting us to act like a couple of spoiled little bitches all because we aren't going to repeat as Anzac Cup Champions.
Everyone's been showing no respect for us even when we won the championship."

Phantam Fairtex: "But hey guess what? Are we acting like spoiled losers and bitching about the loss. Nope we're not because everyone out there saw one of the best tag team matches ever. They saw a tough and brutal battle between
two teams. This match was so great it could be match of the Year except for one little caveat that spoiled everything for both teams."

Tong Fairtex: "VVV just had to intimidate the referee by threatening to spew black mist into his face. If that's how you like to win your matches and this tournament. Well you better watch your backs, because you may wish you didn't win. You may wish you didn't win the tournament if you win this tournament."

Phantam Fairtex: "That's right Better Than Sex you may be seeing us again much more than you expect and maybe during your championship match coming up. Like brother Tong just said watch your backs. Oh and careful what you wish for you just might get it. Since you love cheating we'll see how you do if you're in the Slain Asylum and we would just love to embarrass you there or anywhere."

Tong Fairtex: "So beware Better Than Sex you may be wishing that you continued the match and seen what the true outcome would have been. Maybe it would have been different and maybe not. Like we said we're not bitching or whining and crying about it. We get up and we continue to fight and continue to fight until these......"

(They motion at the doctors.)

Tong Fairtex: "Guys take us away to the ICU. Oh and beware Better Than Sex like the voice over says after every television series' season finale or to paraphrase them 'We'll be back next year and believe me we'll be back better than ever and more determined to make sure you don't repeat ever again."

Phantam Fairtex: "Oh yeah brother Tong and with those closing comments let's get something to eat at the nearby Thai Restaurant."

Doctor: "You're too injured and you haven't cleared concussion protocols."

Phantam Fairtex: "We'll call a cab and dinner's on me. Come on you can come too if you think Better Than Sex can make you a better offer to treat you to the finest dinner money can buy."

Doctor: "I'm sorry I can't."

(Phantam shrugs and looks at his brother.)

Phantam Fairtex: "Guess that's more for us. Let's go."

(Tong slaps his brother on the arm.)

Tong Fairtex: "Let's get dressed first."

(They leave the medical area still smiling like winners despite the loss as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[SWAT Team]

#KNOCK#

#KNOCK#

#KNOCK#

[SWAT's resident mad scientist opens The Luchian Inc. dressing room door, only to be greeted by the moronic smile of his archenemy. The 2018 SWAT Feud of the year can be tracked here and here and here and here and here... what will the next exciting instalment of this grizzly grudge entail?]

Spike Nelson: Evening professor!

Zora Sainovic: Caribou.

[The door slams in Spike's face.]

#KNOCK#
#KNOCK#
#KNOCK#

[The door swings open again, this time Sainovic is prepared - blasting a steady stream of pepper spray which Spike Nelson manages to matrix under, letting his grandfather take the full brunt of the blast. Fortunately, The Devil of SWAT is immune at this point. As VVV tries to position his head so that the refreshing beverage goes down his gullet, a defeated Sainovic stops.]

"Who is it?"

[Sighing, Sainovic turns out of the doorway, shifting back towards the massive room, where the Luchian Inc. CEO is currently recovering in a vat of green sludge.]

Zoran Sainovic: Better Zan Sex...

Vile "Vince" Viper: WITH Vile Viper and his Spike Nelssson... you still a pirate?

AB: That programming has been purged. Come in, Vincent. To what do we owe this honour, gentlemen?

[The future ANZAC Cup winners push past the furious scientist into the large cavernous room full of Luchian staff...]

Spike Nelson: I'm in the middle of setting a record...

Vile "Vince" Viper <putting a claw on Spike's shoulder to slow down the conversation>: Well it looks like we're in the finals of the tournament, Balan... and the thing is... we were kind of expecting to be taking on FreakAngels, or Noodle Incident... I had a lot of material lined up for them. Given our Frank history, I was kind of hoping for FreakAngels. Hell, I have quite a few BroCode jokes... at least they were a real team... but wouldn't you know it, Timelesssssss and CSSSK managed to sneak past all of them.

AB: There was a 42% chance of their inclusion in the finals, which is an impressive number given the quality of their field. This unit has had a number of interactions with the cyborg Alex Turner, who the company could easily be built around, while CSK is the unsung cornerstone of Atlantic Coast phase one. If my data processors allowed for personal pleasure, I would greatly enjoy seeing the two of them kick your gluteus maximus muscles. Unfortunately, I do not have that functionality, so must remain silent on the subject.

Vile "Vince" Viper <checking out Bobbi>: That's great, Balan. Realistic goalsss.

AB: What record is the Nelson humanoid currently attempting to capture?

Spike Nelson: KOOCHIMOOCH ~ its going to get me in Guinness, Attila, see I am---

Vile "Vince" Viper <turning from Bobbi to again cut Spike off>: SEE... I'm having a hard time coming up with material for the make-shift moronsss... and I thought, what if they had a team name? That would certainly make the processssssss easssier. So we're brain storming names for the chumpsss... we were going with anagrams using their last names...

[The greatest tag team in the known universe make their way to the centre of spectacle, which is set up like the Wizard of Oz's throne room...]

Spike Nelson: The one I wanted was--- Trendy Reek Nun!

Vile "Vince" Viper: But I didn't want Roxy tainting our victory by using it as a platform to popularize religiousss fart porn. At least not outside Backyard. Ssso I sssaysss... what friend of ours has a massive entourage that probably includes a marketing department to help Timeless and CSK sound like a real team worthy of getting murdered by usss?

[The Cheap Heat Machine flashes the large crowd his pearly yellows.]

AB: If having Frank Salazar call out this unique name in victory softens the blow of your defeat, my company shall be complicit in easing your pain.

Marketer #1: The Three Two. Both men have three names. There are two of them. The Three two.

Marketer #2: Dark Horses. No one thought they could make it. The equine imagery makes people think Stallions, majestic, untamed, running wild. The dark also gives them a light sense of malice, because they are basically horrible people, they just aren't that horrible compared to everyone else in SWAT.

Marketer #3: TGB.

Spike Nelson: The garbage bin?

Marketer #3: Time Global Bandits...

Vile "Vince" Viper: I can see why you pay these clowns the big bucksss...

AB: Pay them... our temporary marketing department is located two rooms over.

Zoran Sainovic: Ve zought zese imbeciles vere vith you.

[The fake marketing department race off.]

AB: We really need to increase security by 17%. Feel free to use the professionals next door, Vincent. Nelson humanoid, other than breaking poor Buster's heart, what has you so excited?

Spike Nelson: I'm about to set the record for ribs!

Vile "Vince" Viper <trying to pull him towards the exit>: Ssspike, we still need---

AB: Congratulations Nelson! You are definitely out performing the parameters that this unit placed on yo---

Spike Nelson: By defecating in bags! This was the last room----suckers!!!!!!!!!

[Pulling out another copy of the bluray "The Best of Psychotic Goth Vol. 1" Simply Amazing throws the cursed disc at their host. Fortunately for the robot, Spike has deceptively bad hand-eye coordinations - no doubt from standing too close to his Tori Vale poster for decades. The throw is off, missing Balan's rejuvenation chamber completely. Zoran Sainovic almost gets hit in the face...]

Spike Nelson: SUCKERS!!!!!

[Simply Amazing starts to break dance, before realizing that security is moving in for the kill. Better Than Sex start to flee the giant dressing room...]

Zoran Sainovic <holding eye in agony>: I almost read ze back cover...

[Greatest grudge ever!]

AB: Nelson humanoid... Spike.

[As Better Than Sex reach the exit, Spike stops as the robot calls out his name.]

AB: He is just using you. You know that he---

Vile "Vince" Viper: SSSSSSSpike! It just dawned on me that your incredible dance moves have been responsible for our last two winsss!

Spike Nelson <turning away from Balan>: Have they?! SCHOOCHIMUNGA!

Vile "Vince" Viper <forced smile>: Do you think you can teach ME how to breakdance?

Spike Nelson: Can I Grandpa!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vile "Vince" Viper <shooting Balan an evil look>: Thanksss Spike! We didn't need their help anyway...

[Better Than Sex exits out into the safety of the hallway...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...The name of our enemies is obviousss... Roxy makes them HOT... while CSSSK and Timelesssssss are GARBAGE...

[As security follow, Spike starts to moon walk away, only he moves forwards...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Ssso the only thing that stands between Better Than Sex and the Anzac Cup... the team of HOT GARBAGE...

[It has a ring to it...]

[SWAT Team]

We switch to the back, the back door exit to the building, the exit in which Eric Herrera was earlier tossed unceremoniously out the doors of SWAT forever. The doors are wide open and Roxylishus is leaning against one of them looking god damn amazing. Standing in the middle of the doorway, his back to the camera behind him, is the Timeless Alex Turner. The Pinnacle. The back of his T-Shirt simply reads Timeless, and he is pee’ing outside, is Eric Herrera still ko’d out there? One can only hope. Timeless adjusts and zips up and then turns around, the front of t shirt reads “BORN TO FUCK

Timeless : Three down,, one to go.

Question “What’s Better THAN Sex?”

Answer “NOTHING!”

Least not anything when you look like this!

Motions to he and Roxylishus.

Timeless : When you are Vile Vince Viper and his space cadet grandson Spike, pretty much ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX! Old fossil prob can’t even get it up, unless he is drug fucked to the nine’s, word on the street is now he can’t unless she is wearing a Moose head.

Timeless gives the look to the camera, you know the look, the look that screams, gotcha! The look that says yeah, the Butler cost you the win but next time it can be a three count if you like.

Timeless ... and Spike, he may well not even know what the hell we are talking about!

Don’t worry about any fancy team names for us Vile. Just think of us simply as .... Better than YOU!

As for my partner. He may well be the craziest whacko i have ever encountered. Sure, right now he is probably off doing his pre match cut himself and smash his head into the wall ritual.

Timeless shrugs.

Timeless What ever it takes huh. He may well be all them things, but another thing he is, is one tough bastard! One of the very best wrestlers to ever lace a pair of boots. He is the Harbinger of Death! The Betrayer of hope! Who’s hope? Your hope, as we reach in your proverbial chest and rip it out like a beating heart and crush it to sand to sprinkle in the dirt via our victory.

We haven’t exactly been on the same page working our way through this tourney, we haven’t really needed to be. Rest assured, we WAN to win this, we INTEND to win this! We ARE going to win this.

We are the two best wrestlers in the company, against one former great grasping at his former glory on this last run, one that started with myself as i recall. You got me that night at the Tanner Memorial Viper! A loss that i don’t forget, one i will avenge and rectify tonight!

As for you Spike, you don’t even really belong in this match with us three. Have your fun, and dance around, maybe hit the ramps on your skate board, then after it’s done and dusted, you can ship your Skater Boi Ass back to Backyard!

Roxylishus : I like it, the skater boi bit, all fits back to the Complicated sing along.

Timeless : It’s going to take more than an Avril obsession, a few sing alongs and out dated mum jokes about the guys mums to take us out! Much more!

I am the Pinnacle! The Crusader!

I am every living breathing woman’s wet dream.

The Ultimate Male Supreme!

A god damn wrestling machine!
There is no happy ending for you Viper. You are a Villain. Villains don’t get happy endings.

I know this, cause that’s how i be chillin.

And your blood we’ll be a spillin!

After the match, at our celebration party, her holes ... (motions to Roxylilshus and does the lalalalala thing with his toungue) I’ll be FILLIN!

Unfadable

[SWAT Team]

[Backstage at the Anzac Cup, Better Than Sex w/ Vile "Vince" Viper and "Simply Amazing" Spike Nelson are found in the canteen, rummaging around in their gym bags.]

Spike: what kind of low rent promotion doesn't provide parking for the talent?

VVV: Ssssso help me if you shit in here!

Spike: I would never do that to you, Grandpa.

VVV: We really need to find some change. Our parking meter is about to expire.

Spike: I thought you said we had plenty of time?

VVV: How wasssss I sssssupposssed to know it would take that long to beat Funny Business in round two? I had them wrestle 19 times in Backyard thisss morning! Who has that kind of heart?

Spike: how much more time do we have until our meter runs out?

VVV: How long can you sit through a Tommy Danger promo before changing the channel?

Spike: EGADS! HURRY!

VVV: There has to be some change in here somewhere.....

Spike: Found it!

[Spike holds up a leather pouch over his head while the music plays from Legend of Zelda when Link gets a new item.]

VVV: Damn it, Spike! That isn't change....those are Pogs!

Spike: these things are priceless.

VVV: Even if that's true, they don't fit in the coin slot.

[Vile pulls out a stack of bills from his pocket.]

VVV: Here, buy a bunch on candy bars from the vending machines. You need to get sugared up for the finals anyway, and we can use the change to feed the meter. I'll be right back.

[Vile walks off, leaving his geandson alone. Spike loads dollars into the machine, happily buying candy bar after candy bar.]

Spike: Snickers..... Milky Way..... 100 Grand...... Caramello! Score!

[Spike gathers up his candy and change. He starts removing the wrappers and shoveling chocolate into his mouth. He happily devours the candy until he is interrupted by a broken, beaten diwn, limping chaotic clown.]

BF: Spike.

[Spike stops chewing his candy.]

Spike: Buster.

BF: Look. We just went through Hell out there. The four of us....we brought the hate. And make no mistake about it, I do hate you for what you did. Vile may have broken my body, but you? You broke my heart.

Spike: gaaaayyyyyyy

BF: can you be serious for even a second? Don't you see what's going on here?

Spike: yeah, me and my grandpa are reunited. Better Than Sex is the best tag team ever, and we are proving it in the Anzac Cup.

BF: he's using you, Spike. He's always used you.

Spike: you're right....Vile is using me. Using me to be the best damn team this sport has ever seen. He may have manipulated other people, but I'm his grandson. I'm his flesh and blood. We are bonded by something deeper than just wrestling.

BF: Spike....you do know Vile isn't REALLY your grandfather, right?

Spike: what? Of course he is.

BF: no, he is lying to you. He knows you need a male authority figure. He knows what buttons to press to make you loyal to him, and you fell for it hard.

Spike: you're just jealous that I sided with him instead of you!

BF: No. I am hurt and disappointed in you. I thought you were my friend. The only person I could trust. But as soon as Vile came crawling back you you like the snake he is, you let him right back into your heart.

Spike: Vile never left me. Not really.

BF: listen to yourself! Vile never left you? He abandoned you, and you were so shattered by it, you lost yourself in a fictitious identity that wasn't even a real person. You were a walking pun, for Christ's sake. Anonymoose!

Spike: Buster, why don't you get lost? Me and Grandpa have a tournament to win.

BF: I am leaving, but this isn't over, Spike. Vile won't win. I know that deep down, you know he is using you. When the time is right, you will wake up and let yourself see the truth. And on that day, you and I will destroy Vile for good.

[As if on cue, the Scarlet Serpent reenters the locker room.]

VVV: Quick, my boy! Hand me the quarters! The meter maid is right down the street!

[Vile sees Buster and stops in his tracks.]

VVV: How are you sssstill sssstanding?

BF: I'm fueled by hate, you son of a bitch.

VVV: HO HO HO! You silly clown. You are good, I admit. Almost as good as me. You're certainly light years ahead of the other losers in ACW. And anybody who has beaten Psychotic Goth as often as you have will always have a special place in my heart. But at the end of the day, you're just a poor man's Vile "Vince" Viper. And I hate a cheap imitation.

BF: I'm coming for you, Vile. I won't let this stand. Keep making your jokes. Keep using this poor kid. But I won't stop until the world is rid of you. You'reva damn cancer, infecting everyone you come across. And I'm going to do what should be done to all cancers. I'm going to carve you out.

VVV: Better men than you have tried, Buster. But I will live forever. Long after you are gone and forgotten, laid to rot on the scrapheap of history with Lazz Sterling, Johnny Pain, Adrian Tanner and the rest, I'll still be sssssstanding tall.

Spike: with me!

VVV: Yes, with my grandson.

Spike: SCATCHMAGOWA!

[Buster glares at Vile, neither man blinking.]

BF: you know what my biggest mistake was?

VVV: Mentioning Mr. T. You know he had a real wrestling match and now universes are colliding.

BF: ........

Spike: SKIDOOSH!

BF: No. I thought I could reason with Spike. But I can't. You have your hooks in too deep. So now, I'm going to end you.

[Buster points at Spike.]

BF: and you're going to watch.

[Buster scuffles off, battered, broken, but still defiant.]

Spike: he sure seems mad.

VVV: Forget him, we have secondsssss until we get a ticket!

Spike: Cheese it!

[Spike and Vile race out of the locker room, quarters at the ready.]

[SWAT Team]

[You can't go back...]

[Realizing that his grandfather's interest in breakdancing means that it is up to Spike to teach it, Simply Amazing endeavours to stay one move ahead, by watching it on his iPad in the locker room...]

[...JUST KIDDING! Watching videos on iPads in the locker room are for basic feebs, and Spike Nelson is not that kind of feeb.]

[Instead our setting is in the hallways of Rod Laver Arena, where the only champion involved in the finals - the SWAT Under 10 title holder - Spike Nelson is teaching his grandfather how to breakdance. Baby steps sees Spike teaching The Devil of SWAT the fundamentals, so mostly Jackhammers. Fortunately with the aid of jump cuts AND stunt doubles, jackhammers don't look too difficult. As the beady pink albino eyes of the scarlet serpent take in his enthusiastic grandson's attempts at the world's slowest windmill, Vile's evil brain seems elsewhere.]

Spike Nelson <a production assistant is helping him complete the first spin of a windmill>: I was thinking if we both do head slides at the same time, CSK's brain will explode and we don't even have to wrestle.

Vile "Vince" Viper <a million miles away>: ...That'sss great.

Spike Nelson: The trick to doing a good head slide is LOTS and LOTS of hair gel... and... will they let the interns into the ring to drag us across.

Vile "Vince" Viper <zoned out like he's watching a Team Fairtex promo>: Fantassstic.

Spike Nelson: So they'll drag us - but if they're wearing black, it will look like we're sliding with our heads. CSK has a quadruple aneurysm! Or a triple! OR MAYBE EVEN A DOUBLE ANEURYSM!!!

[Spike strikes a pose like double is better than quadruple.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Sssuper!

Spike Nelson: I thought so. So this is called the boomerang - because we're in Austria. Only like four people in the world can do this, because its so hard, but I'm definitely one of them so pay close attention Grandpa. Here I go. Are you watching. Grandpa. Grandpa?

[You can't go back...]

Vile "Vince" Viper <blinks>: What, Spike?

Spike Nelson: Did you miss it? I DEFINITELY just did it.

[Spike is lying, but believes it himself. No boomerangs were attempted.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Sorry Spike... I was just remembering sssomething...

Spike Nelson: IT'S INSANELY HARD - I can only do it because I'm super sweet. But its like crazy hard. I can either do it again right now, or in our match later.

Vile "Vince" Viper <nods>: Definitely now.

Spike Nelson <was not expecting that>: Oh, ok, I'm going to tape my wrists up so I don't kill anyone.

Vile "Vince" Viper <talon thumbs up>: Good thinking.

[The production assistants that had been manipulating Spike's body into his most ambitious break dancing moves are quick to scurry back to their usual routines, like getting Pesci a bagel. Or scouring craigslist for next year's Anzac Cup participants, looking for talents of Shane Lawson's calibre who like Lawson will also work for foodstamps. The ones that aren't fast enough get stuck wrapping Spike Nelson's deadly kung fu hands "of masterful death and deadly +3 intrigue" in black tape.]

Spike Nelson: Ouch! No that's too tight.

[This could take awhile. As the interns set about protecting the whole syndicate wrestling world from these weapons of beat boxing destruction, the camera pans over to a tight close-up of Viper.]

[You can't go back...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Timelesssssssssss Alex Turner. My big return match. Prior to our singles encounter, it had been almost seven years since I'd wrestled. Time flies. I was quite rusty... <flashing a teeth grin> A lot has changed since then. So if you couldn't finish off that shell of a man at the height of your popularity, what chance do you hope to have againssst THE MAN now?

Let me set the scene for you, the Adrian Tanner Jr. Memorial show...

...A few months before, Adrian came to me...

"Hey Vile,

It looks like SWAT is opening its doors back up for business. None of the bad eggs, just the A-Team - Soutter, Slain, its come back before, but I have a good feeling about this new region. Given the state of the business right now, it could really use a shot in the arm to draw in the talent. I was wondering if, for old times sake, you wouldn't mind coming down? If we rekindle the magic of some of our old epics, we can really get a buzz going for them... really help them out.

It would mean a lot to me, put them back on the map, and be a load a fun to revisit the past. What do you say, pal? Can you dust the old boots off for us?"

[The king of snakes flinches.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Sorry Adrian. We had an amazing run... but you can't go back.

[Ignoring the whimpering from his grandson in the background that "his hands can't breath," Old Scratch rubs his temple before shooting the camera a pained look.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...What we accomplished in the past, can never be repeated. We had our opportunity. I wish we had made more of it, but we had a good run. I'm retired now. Glad to hear that SWAT is still kicking around... hopefully the franchisee fees keep Soutter in depends. Good luck with it, Adrian.

You can't go back.

[Running the conversation through his mind, TripleV shakes his head, then snorts, before shooting the camera his infamous sneer.]

Vile "Vince" Viper <sigh>: ...Looks like Adrian found a way to drag me back.

When I heard he had died... so soon after denying his requessst... I ran the conversation through my mind a hundred times. I would take it back. I wish I'd met with him. Heard him out further. Hell, made a brief appearance. I wisssh I had handled the situation differently. <shaking head> You can't go back. <scowl> So out of guilt, or some backwards sense of honour I made my way to SSSWAT... keep it going for his legacy...

...and yeah... I'm TRYING to dessstroy this place... but I'm also saving it.

I'm complicated that way.

See in its current ssstate, there is no victory in its ruin.

I have to build it up to take it down... I desperately want to take it down... but its always so damned easy. Much like acting in my best interest while dealing with one of my few friends, just a few months after the easy path, it has damned me to act against my interests for so much longer...

These memories take me to my SWAT return... and a man named "Timelesssssssss" Alex Turner. ...And apparently since our last encounter, he has obtained a mastery over time and space. I'm more of a classic Who villain, myself. Still the kid apparently has abilities. If only he could take me back to a number of months before our fateful encounter, and allowed me to accept Adrian's request to join SWAT earlier. I could have pulled a Lonely Cobyrn, a Stein, flaked out during or right after the show, and saved us all a lot of misssery. ...Unfortunately, without that devastating, career stalling beating I delivered to Turner... one he has yet to recover from... we would have no shared bond for him to do me such a solid. Getting me into the first Anzac Cup, where I could have gone out to Team Fairtex, blissfully unaware of how obscenely boring they really are. How many lives could you have helped with that simple jaunt, Alex?

[You can't go back.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Building up SSSWAT.... ripping down SSSWAT. Now... I am the 2006 RSPWF / EWRT Wrestler of the Year... and I hear you... 2006 was a long time ago...

[You can't go back.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: A valid argument... but the skills that got me that prize. The mind for the business. The CHEAP HEAT MACHINE in motion... you have a better shot at dragging in new talent, revenue and fans, than you would without me. So in being here... I'm doing my bit... yet as I traumatize the boys, do they take their lumps and evolve? NAH. I BROKE THE KGB... instead of coming back stronger or different, they continue to limp along. Jimmy Fierce proved himself the only man in that outfit, and rather than show what a BAD FUCKING GUY CSK IS... KENNEDY SIDES WITH SOUTTER OVER THE KID? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Kennedy... if the KGB means ANYTHING to you... then Soutter letting himself get torn out in the middle of the ring like that... makes the group look like BITCHES... not Fierce... the TEAM... so if you want the KGB to be the scary organization it was before I kicked all your fucking asses to the curb... you tell Soutter to stop making you all look so god damned terrible. You don't cry for your BFF like your on the rag. I wasted MONTHS of my precious time putting the Bandits in a pressure cooker - so you could become the First Wivesss Club? THE FUCK.

OH IT'S SET UP LIKE A JOKE... BUT I CREATE A FEEDER REGION FOR UP AND COMING ATHLETES TO LEARN THE ROPES, PICK UP A FEW MOVES, WORK IN FRONT OF LIVE CROWDS... but do you bother to call them up? Or USE it?!? See if all these flash in the pan talents will bring their working boots against ZORK before sticking them in Midwest!!!!! There is one region that hasn't gone on hiatusss, played musical chairs with the owners, or closed shop this year... <shaking head in disgust> and you discourage people from taking it ssseriousssly.

Even in jessst... I'm trying to make you look respectable... instead we invite Herrera and friends back again and again and again and again and again and again and AGAIN and AGAAAIN ANNND AGAAAAAAAAAAAIN... why am I wasting my time?!? Who keeps giving these motherfuckers opportunities? I thought I was suppose to be the old man stereotype with Alzheimer's, yet you're the ones that keep repeating these horrible fucking memories.

Syberus... Lawson... Frosty... its hard to be the living embodiment of this federation's demise, when you invite CANCER AFTER CANCER TO FEAST ON THE CARRION!!!!!!!!

I guess I should be thankful that Lonely Cobyrn doesn't return your callsss...

SSSEE for all the hate... I'm just trying to achieve Adrian's last wish of getting SWAT back to the place it used to be...

[You can't go back.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Ssso in taking on Timelessssss... all these thoughts come spilling forth... like a broken record... and making it all worse... I'm here with Spike...

The two of us trying to recapture our failed attempt at the Frank A. Marano Memorial Cup. We picked up the Hardkore America tag straps... the IGA tag straps... the greatest tag team of all time has proved our worth... but that match, that night? I let my grandson down. I let myself down.

That could have been my out.

The perfect ending that I have always dreamed of. The final match that could justify the years I've wasted on this sport... but politics... a loaded tournament... a few bad choices... well... they robbed us... me... of that moment.

So I've set things up to repeat themselves... Better Than Sex... a one night tournament that lasts forever... even a number of the old Hardkore faces like Carpenter and Phoenix from that fateful night.

And I'm trying to tell myssself... that if I can take Spike... and plow through Turner and Kennedy...

I can get back the ten years of my life that I lost in that moment.

All the time I spent wresssstling after that climactic window closssed...

All the years of retirement spent without my loving family...

I can get it all back...

[Blinks.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...But this isn't the Frank A. Marano Memorial Cup... not knocking it, but it isn't... it can't be... that tournament is over... this is not HARDKORE AMERICA... this is not the Syndicate Wrestling And Tradition I ruined for Adrian Tanner... this is not that Spike Nelson... Vile Viper... Better Than Sex... none of it is the sssame...

I can't get back what I lost.

I can't fix what I've done.

...but I might be able to have a new relationship with Spike...

...A cherished memory in winning the Anzac Cup...

...and at the very least... I can take those painful regrets that I've outlined... and share them... so that CSSSK and Alex Turner can think back years from now at what they're miserable fucking lives might have been like if they could somehow have come out over Better Than Sex. <snarl> Like that was ever in the cards... the Poor diluted fools.

[You can't go back.]

"Grandpa?"

[Snapping back to the present, Vile turns wide eyed to Spike. Simply Amazing has his finely tuned instruments of mayhem wrapped in black tape.]

Spike Nelson: Is that normal?

[His hands have too much tape on them to properly stick out his thumb, but Nelson manages to generally point at the area he had been practicing in. Multiple sets of production assistants help guys who look surprisingly like Spike Nelson through his world's slowest windmill. The motions seem to roll into one another. Could these be more stunt doubles? There is also blue lightning crackling through the ceiling.]

Vile "Vince" Viper <pearly yellows>: Letsss walk and talk...

[Better Than Sex w/VVV & Spike Nelson ARE WALKING.]

Vile "Vince" Viper <grabbing his grandson's shoulder>: Faster.

[Better Than Sex w/VVV & Spike Nelson ARE WALKING in a manner that looks like they're fleeing the cosmic anomaly but are totally just WALKING down a hall.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Remember how I had Funny Businessssss wrestle over a dozen times before the tournament started?

Spike Nelson: Do I ever! Almost two dozen times! Buster looked like steam was going to shoot out of his ears... I think he spends too much time with Attila.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Well... it was a good strategy to tire them out before the tournament started. HOT GARBAGE is in a similar situation...

Spike Nelson: How did you get Turner and Kennedy - HOT GARBAGE - to wrestle so many times tonight?

Vile "Vince" Viper: I didn't... but you sssee... they had the misfortune of tapping the INCREDIBLE tag team of El Exotico and Flamboyant Red in the first round. They did it to themselves. Have you ever wondered how a mismatched pair like Turner and Kennedy could possibly beat talents like Exotico and Red?

Spike Nelson <ducks a lightning bolt>: That would have to be a fluke... I mean... its a hundred to one that HOT GARBAGE could ever win that match.

Vile "Vince" Viper: I had Balan run the numbers while you were defecating in his duffle bag, and the odds were one hundred and twenty three to one.

Spike Nelson <no idea where this is going but wants to seem smart>: Which means...!

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...

Spike Nelson: ...which... means....

Vile "Vince" Viper: Timelessssss Alex Turner and Chrissstian Sssebastian Kennedy wrestled El Exotico and Flamboyant Red ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THREE TIMES TONIGHT!!! More specifically... the team of HOT GARBAGE... _LOST_ to Exotico and Red at least 123 times... with Turner travelling into the past after each defeat to some how alter the flow of time so that EVENTUALLY... after wrestling all those times... EVENTUALLY Hot Garbage was able to pull off the upset.

Spike Nelson: Those monsters!

Vile "Vince" Viper: Exactly.

Spike Nelson: So we should really be fighting El Exotico and Flamboyant Red in the finals?

Vile "Vince" Viper: Lets not go crazy, but that certainly seems to be the case. ...You can't mess with the space time continuum THAT MANY TIMES without certain consequencesss...

Spike Nelson: All those Spike Nelsons doing wicked windmills...

Vile "Vince" Viper: All those Spike Nelsons doing wicked windmillsss...

Spike Nelson: Do you think one of them hit it perfectly?

Vile "Vince" Viper: There are only 123 paradoxes in the halls of Rod Laver arena...

Spike Nelson: ...

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...sure Spike.

Spike Nelson <jumping for joy>: SCATCHIMOGWAIAWA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[BEST. DAY. EVER.]

Spike Nelson <stoping his celebratory dance>: So what's to stop Timeless from rewrestling the finals like a million times until he finally gets the result he wants?

Vile "Vince" Viper: If they were to win, that is EXACTLY what we'd say had happened. Fortunately the rules of diminished returns means the more times that HOT GARBAGE takes us on, the worse they'll do. We're basically magic.

Spike Nelson: I knew my Black Lotus card wouldn't go to waste.

[Simply Amazing starts practicing his Magic The Gathering throw downs.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Its a shame that Timelessssss had to turn this into a game of petty catchphrases and rapping insults... requiring us to go the "El Exotico kicked your ass more times than Roxy has failed a pregnancy test" route. ...Because in a lot of ways, these finals are exactly the kind of SWAT building exercise I have been trying to champion...

Spike Nelson <in his own little world>: Red mana? Who you think you're messing with? I laugh at volcanos.

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...The Devil of SSSWAT... who everyone wants gone... with his grandson... a Backyard performer that couldn't even get an invitation to the royal rumble when he was one of five guys actually promoting the event. The makeshift team of Timelessssss and CSSSK... a man who lost his spot in the federation, only back through some pretty sordid machinations... and another who is facing his last match.

Pariahsss. One and all.

In many ways representing the miscreants, marauders, and mercenaries that made up the Anzac Cup this year...

A sadder group of blackheartsss have never been seen, and us four, their masters.

CSSSK... Timelesssssssss... you two are men at a crossroads. For all your swagger, there is a desperation in your tale. I like that in my opponents.

You will face an old man... and his adoring grandson.

You will have to drain every drop of blood from our bodies to get the three count. I don't think you can... but you'll get damned close... so as you torture our happy family... please remember one thing.

<eyes narrow, knowing grin> I'm going to make you the good guys in this match.

The fans will chant your names.

A boon from the Devil of SWAT.

...Its just a ssshame we couldn't keep this polite. You see... I prefer it when Roxy raps.

SPIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[The king of snakes stops dead in his tracks.]

Spike Nelson: GRANDPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Startled, Spike Nelson almost creased his Black Lotus. He's starting to wonder why he carries it around with him.]

[...to pick up chicks, of course.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Check it out my boy...

[The vending machine from earlier has been transformed by Timeless Alex Turner's crimes against nature. Now a vending machine from 1985 when the Rod Laver arena was first built, the candy bars have been replaced by snack sized cereal from back in the day.]

[Breakfast with Barbie.]

[Rainbow Brite.]

[Sir Grapefellow.]

[Ice Cream Cones.]

[King Vitaman.]

[Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal.]

[The machine even has Gremlins!]

[Wonka Nerds.]

[Mario.]

[Urkel-Os]

[Ghostbusters.]

[PacMan.]

[Popeye.]

[......................Mr. T.]

Spike Nelson: -

[WAIT FOR IT.]

Spike Nelson: SCHOOCHIMONGIWAIAZOOOCHUMPAWAMBAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Spike Nelson swoons.]

[Who knows how many hours pass.]

[Reread this promo in the meantime to let it sink in.]



[...like Spike Nelson...]

[...And he's back.]

Spike Nelson: Grandpa... I had the weirdest dream...

Vile "Vince" Viper: SPIKE! I thought I'd lost you boy...

Spike Nelson: ...and you were there... <pointing at rainbow brite> and you were there... and...

[The vending machine with the snake size everything we need to promo forever is still there.]

Spike Nelson: SKACHIMOGAIWANDALA!!!!!!!!!!

[Spike Nelson starts to swoon, so someone slaps him.]

[It had to be done.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: It appears all this time travel nonsense has given us just the secret weapons we need to mount a comeback against those magnificent bastards, Hot Garbage.

Spike Nelson: I didn't think... they could... come back!

[Spike gets back up to his feet while Vile searches for change...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Damn it! I don't have any change...

Spike Nelson <almost crying from a panic attack in case someone buys all this treasure before they can>: No... no... no...

Vile "Vince" Viper: I use appsss on your mother's phone to pay for everything these days...

Spike Nelson: Grandpa... what do you spend all your money on? I know its not birthday presents...

Vile "Vince" Viper: Can you keep a sssecret?

Spike Nelson: Can I! ...?

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...This is kind of embarrassing... but I can only sleep... under other people's beds.

[...!]

Spike Nelson: So you spend all your money renting rooms....

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...It only works if they're in bed, and don't know I'm there. Which sounds cheap, but there are so many needless complications. Trust me, its an incredibly expensive sleeping pattern to maintain.

[...]

Spike Nelson: Wow. Those people are so lucky having sleep overs with you. If only they knew.

[An intern tries to put change in the machine, until Viper slams a claw against the glass and scares them away.]

Spike Nelson: WAAAAAA--GRANDPA someone is going to get these before we get a chance!!!

Vile "Vince" Viper: Watch the machine Spike, make sure NO ONE else gets those Tsss... I'm going to the car... I'm sure I have some change in my trunk mortar. If I'm not back in a minute, break in... I'd do it myself but have WAAAY TOO many priorsss.

[The king of snakes exits into the parking lot, leaving Spike with his friends.]

Spike Nelson: ...

Cereal Boxes: ...

Spike Nelson: ...

Mr. T Cereal Box: I pity the fool who waits for change to put my nutritious goodness in his mouth.

Gremlins: Five... finger... Yum yum.

King Vitaman: Stealing is wrong, and I should know, I'm really lame.

Breakfast with Barbie: Stealing is hot, Spike. Why the first time Ken took me out, we dined and dashed at a Denny's, only to get caught by the waitress, so we pistol whipped her into a coma. Since her shift was just ending, the silly cow's seven kids came in...

Spike Nelson: So stealing is wrong?

Breakfast with Barbie: Stealing is hot, Spike. Weren't you listening to the story?

Mr. T breakfast cereal: Grow a pair Spike and smash that glass.

All Cereal Boxes Chanting: SMASH THAT GLASS. SMASH THAT GLASS.

Spike Nelson: What would Vile do?

[Spike Nelson envisions his grandfather on a cross, weeping openly that his favourite and only kin would break man's law... and his heart.]

Spike Nelson: I can't do that to grandpa.

[The cereal breaks the vending machine open themselves.]

Urkel-Os: Did I do that?

[...fuck you, Urkel.]

Spike Nelson: IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

[Spike prays to Grandpa Jesus before he starts collecting the cereal into a Spike Nelson T-shirt that he one day hopes to wear while making love.]

Vile "Vince" Viper <bursting through the parking lot doors>: SPIKE! I HAVE A MASSSTER PLAN!!!

Spike Nelson <swinging his shirt bag of tiny cereal boxes over his shoulder>: Hurray!

[Nothing bad has ever come from one of VVV's master plans.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: I was in the parking lot looking for my car... or one with change that looked like it... when I noticed the production truck!

[Pushing the doors open, the king of snakes waves a claw at the SWAT production truck which is handling the pay per view feeds...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...Are you thinking what I'm thinking.

Spike Nelson: I'll probably start with the Sir Grapefellow because I don't like him much, then work my way up to Mr. T so I can saver the anticipation like it was Christmas!

Vile "Vince" Viper: Close. I've fought Alex Turner before... and in the course of destroying the KGB, I basically ruined CSK's career... I've recorded promos about how bad they suck in the passst.

Spike Nelson: I've seen those on SWAT TV... actually I think a lot of them are on youtube.

[Better Than Sex step out into the parking lot, and start heading towards the production van.]

Vile "Vince" Viper: Exactly. So what we're doing right now? Pointlesssssssssss. Why record NEW material telling everyone how we're going to win the Anzac Cup, when we can just DOWNLOAD my interviews off of youtube, take over the production van, and have SWAT put out my OLD SHIT like it was brand NEW?!

[...]

Vile "Vince" Viper: I bet I even look younger.

Spike Nelson: I thought recycling was lame.

Vile "Vince" Viper: Recycling is lame, if you're recycling lame ssshit. We aren't lame, so what we're recycling is awesssssssssssssssssome.

Spike Nelson: ...

Vile "Vince" Viper: ...

Spike Nelson: THAT'S GENIUS!!!

Vile "Vince" Viper: It might be "sleazy," "dishonest," and "lazy" but what can I say...
<fiendish grin> I'm a natural heel.

[Vile "Vince" Viper kicks open the SWAT TV production truck's door...]

Spike Nelson: Hi everyone! You guys are doing a terrific job!!!

Vile "Vince" Viper: But not good enough... WE'RE TAKING OVER!!!

[You can't go back.]

[...unless you recycle.]

[SWAT Team]

CSK: It all comes down to this eh? Kudos to you BTS, kudos to you. I mean what you’ve done is very impressive to say the least.

You ended the KGB. You fucked up the head of James Fierce so much that he doesn’t know who his friends are and what chapstick to use in the ass kissing department to move up the rankings.

A potential match of the years with Funny Business. Hell I can give you props for that.

You knocked out the 2017 AC winners. But then again that’s not a big accomplishment. The only reason they won last year was seventy five percent of the field were washed up old men coming to the ring with their walkers and canes and couldn’t step through the ropes. El Exotico and his butt buddy could have beaten those two. But congrats.

And then you took out a handful of doctors which I will admit I most certainly applauded. And you just have one box left to check on your way to winning this years AC. But guess what?

SO DO TURNER AND I!

CSK tapes up his wrists and paces around the ring looking into a bag of things and going through it rather rapidly.

CSK: Now maybe our road wasn’t as difficult as yours on paper but I disagree. First we had to deal with a group of guys who always wanted to grab our ass. Have you ever tried to wrestle a match where some guy keeps wanting to touch your junk?

And then we had the deck stacked against us with President Phoenix throwing his weight around. I don’t care if it was Turner and I, you, team look at me look at me, or anyone else. To get a win over a corrupt president is probably the most impressive thing any team can do in this tournament.

But there’s a difference between you and I VVV and a major one at that.

After the AC is over, you get to return to the wrestling world and brutalize bodies and bury them, and create carnage, chaos and dominate the industry. You don’t need to win, the AC means nothing to you. But me?

This is my final chapter, this is my going away match. When this is over I have nothing left. My career is done, I have nowhere to go, my wrestling days will be over. Almost seventeen years ago I made my debut teaming up with Bryant Tanner and Bruno. And I won my debut match against a group of second hand nut warmers in the Road Runners and Mojo. Point being I won my first wrestling match.

AND I WILL WIN MY LAST!

There are no title matches in my future. There are no future tournaments, no chances for end of the year awards. I will not be one of these old timers who comes back once a year to seek attention and then miss my flight or be a half ass washed up has been in the center of the ring.

This isn’t some “I retire” gimmick and I come back next year for some old timers tournament. This is MY LAST SHOT to go out on top! And I will be damned if my career ends with a loss. You and Spike may be “better than sex” but tonight my partner and I WILL BE BETTER THAN YOU!

I will not be Cobryn and come back as a president only to no show and be humiliated and stripped with my title being given to Phoenix.

I will not be my best friend RH3, who is so out of touch with the industry that I come back and have my partner turn on me and look like a total ass.

I will not be Kilroy Evans and come back for a “retirement tour” and go out on my terms only to fail at that goal.

I will sure as hell not be Syberus and have my career ended in a coffin only to be never seen again.

NO!

My career ends with Alex Turner and myself winning this years AC! And President Phoenix will have no choice but to reinstatement me because he’s going to see the hottest tag team in the industry today! And that is MY ONLY chance to stay in the profession that I love and doing what I do best.

So bring your infamous black venom. Bring your break dancing, bring your house of clowns, bring the god damn Marines, bring James Fierce, bring Phoenix, bring your god damn momma, hell bring Jesus Christ himself!!!!!

NOBODY and I mean NOBODY will stand in the way of winning this years Anzac Cup! I will not go out on a stretcher, I will not go out a loser. I will not have my career ending on a sad and down note.

Chairs, ladders, chains, tazers, tables, venom, I don’t care if it’s the kitchen sink. Break an arm, break a leg, I don’t care they are bones and they will heal in time. But time is not something I have any longer.

If I dislocate a shoulder I will continue on. Break a foot? I have another one. If I am capable of crawling I will get through this match and I will see to it that Alex and I win. For you it’s just another day at the office and you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off and fight another day.

I DO NOT GET ANOTHER DAY TO FIGHT! My song ends with this match. There will never be another CSK highlight reel. There will never be another CSK moment. The only way there will ever be another CSK match is to win this years AC and come back in 2019 to defend it.

So spike you bring your spot monkey dance, and all of your insanity and bizarre high spots and your break dancing. VVV you bring your black venom, you bring every trick in the book that you have. Because whether it’s Alexs’ dropkick or the the arm drags, whether it’s my power or my technical brilliance it doesn’t really matter.

VVV i'm not one of these ass clowns who takes you lightly.

I know everything you've done, I know all that you've accomplished. But they've all said the same shit before.

Adrian Tanner god bless that mans soul thought he could end my career, he came close but he failed.

Sly Fondell thought he could end my career, he came close and he failed.

Even that washed up president pigeon thought he could end my career. All he ended was my contract.

Fact of the matter is everyone thinks they can end my career and THEY FAIL!

Hell you probably resurrected Jamie Fleeces career by turning him into your little frankenstein. Just remember at some point in time your creation will come back to bite you in the ass and turn on you.

I don't give a flying fuck what you offer newbies or the titles you've held or the matches you've won or the people you've retired.

BECAUSE NONE OF THEM WERE ME!

Do you know why the Cobryns and the Hunglesteins and the Ashcrofts and Stans retired years ago?

It's because they beat all of the damn old timers and couldn't hang with the likes of me anymore. So they took their ball and ran home with their tail tucked between their legs.

Hell even Gods "chosen one" Rick Owen had his balls shriveled up and falling off once I came back to SWAT. The man of God knew his strength wasn't a match for my sins.

You see VVV and Spike, you both think you're the bad boys on the block, but I am just as vile as you are Vince. You talk about your "straps" in HKW? I won my share of titles there as well.

IGA? I spent years there undefeated until unfortunate circumstances caused me to put my career on hold. Sammy, Joker, the company can attest when it comes to winning tournaments IT WAS MY THING!

But most of all, I do my best work when my back is against the wall.

You kick a puppy long enough when it becomes a full grown dog it attacks you and tears your ass apart because it can.

You pick on the disabled kid enough at school, one day he comes and shoots it up and the people who bullied him are the first ones shot. Bad taste? Sure but the fact is it's the truth and reality.

You can refer to Turner and as I hot garbage all you want. Truthfully I expected a lot more out of you VVV. I thought you were smart enough to recognize talent when you see it.

Sadly after this match i'll never get to put you in your place but Alex will. That's one face you'll be dealing with for a very long time to come.

Do you know why Turner and I were placed on the side of the bracket that we were?

Because the fans AND management wanted US in the finals. You know A TALENTED TEAM that this industry can be proud of!

While they wanted to make sure that the likes of you and those drunk ass clowns and pee wee hermans personal robot never made it to the finals.

As for El Exotico and his {Mongo Edit: Fuck Off} bag almost upsetting us? You really are a stupid and ignorant fucker aren't you old man VVV?

Haven't you heard?

GAMBLING IN SPORTS IS NOW LEGAL!

What does that have to do with the El Exotico match your old ass might wonder?

Alex and I wanted to cash in and make a hell of a pay day. The Vegas odds had Turner and I winning the match in 30 seconds.

FOR EVERY MINUTE that match lasted, another five thousand dollars was on the line.

Let's just say Alex and I won enough money that our great great great great great grand childrens great grand children can retire comfortably.

There was no upset, we were just smart odds makers, read the lines and made our money.

But please guys underestimate me, I beg you to overlook me, look down on me, think I'm an easy win. I beg you to continue doing so.

CSK slides something up inside his tape and stares into the mirror.

CSK: This is my last moment of glory. I am ….

CHRISTIAN

SEBASTIAN

KENNEDY…………………….

I will win

I can win

…….. I have to win…………..

CSK grabs his robe and puts it on before walking towards the locker room door. He puts his hand om the light switch and takes one last look behind him before turning the light off and walking out.

CSK: It’s been a great career…………time to go out a winner.

The locker room door shuts one final time as CSK walks through the backstage area towards the curtains.

[SWAT Team]

Returning to ringside, DJ Tooki warms up against the ropes, while THE BEEF tries to work the crowd. No one trusted the loose cannon with a live mic, so his bellows of "Wassup" only reach the first fifty rows. A large audience reaction metre is fixed to a table in front of the ring for all the crowd to see.

Jeremy Tucker: Welcome back fans - for those unfamiliar with the men in the ring, you are not alone, this is the Backyard showcase match.

Andrew Fulton: Not again. The last time Backyard managed to sneak onto a main pay per view, the North East region was put out of business, and Rick Owens died.

Jeremy Tucker: That's how I remember it.

Andrew Fulton: So what the hell is a spotlight match anyway? If they turn the lights out, I'm definitely catching some shuteye... this tournament is making for one hell of a long night.

Jeremy Tucker: The stipulation is unclear... so with any luck as we throw it down to Frank Salazar at ringside, he can clear up the confusion.

Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is a SHOWCASE MATCH from the SWAT BACKYARD region for the SWAT TWINSTAR TITLES...

A spattering of boos. The large audience reaction metre ranks the jeers at a firm 4.2.

Frank Salazar: It is a SPOTLIGHT MATCH with a TEN MINUTE TIME LIMIT... a clap'o'meter has been set up next to the ring... for the next ten minutes these two teams will try to get reactions from the audience... the team that scores the highest applause on the clap'o'meter will be declared the winners...

Jeremy Tucker: This match promises to be different...

Frank Salazar: Already in the ring, at a combined weight of 647 pounds... the SWAT TWINSTAR CHAMPIONS, DJ TOOKI, THE BEEF, COLLETIVELY KNOWN AS...

THE SAMOAN HIT PARADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Audience Reaction Meter registers a 3.7 at the announcement that Attila Balan and Buster Friendly have had their twinstar titles taken away. The bastards! The reaction for the Samoans is a polite 1.4.

Andrew Fulton: The Samoan HIT Parade were lucky enough to be towards the end of the gauntlet that Funny Business were forced to run earlier today.

Jeremy Tucker: After Attila Balan and Buster Friendly were able to defeat twenty other teams over the course of a gruelling three plus hour gauntlet, The Samoan HIT Parade were able to score a pinfall for the titles. Funny Business' first loss. We see The BEEF's head heavily taped up... other teams did not fair as well.

The theme song from "Denver the Last Dinosaur" (Denver Pyle remix) starts to pump over the PA system.

Andrew Fulton: Speaking of other teams that didn't fair as well...

Frank Salazar: And their opponents... at a combined weight of 478lbs... "Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes... The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones...

EXTINCTION CONNECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Stokes pushes through the curtains, one arm in a sling, with his free arm he fires a starter pistol into the crowd. This doesn't go over well, but does manage to get a 4.5. Seconds later the curtain is ripped down by teeth of Dinosaur Bones - who gets a solid 3.1.

Jeremy Tucker: Apparently these two men fought each other in a series of matches that resulted in riots... unable to insure another fight, they were paired up instead. The octogenarian of the two has his arm in a sling, courtesy of their earlier battle with Funny Business.

Andrew Fulton: Extinction Connection on their way down the aisle - and the Samoan HIT Parade dives out of the ring into them with a double suicide dive! Those are big men to fly like that!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: There is a large clock next to that audience participation metre, and its officially started counting down the ten minutes as all four men brawling on the outside.

Andrew Fulton: Trading lefts and rights, the ancient cowboy trying to keep up with one arm, but these Samoans are HUGE.

Jeremy Tucker: BEEF DUCKING A ROUNDHOUSE RIGHT, AND BACKDROPPING BILL STOKES FROM THE OUTSIDE, OVER THE TOP ROPE INTO THE RING!!!!

[1.5.]

Jeremy Tucker: I have not seen that before...

Andrew Fulton: The old cowboy landed on that possibly broken arm, and is in a bad way.

Jeremy Tucker: Dinosaur Bones getting the better of his fist fight with the DJ on the outside, and setting him up for a tail swipe-----but in mid-swipe BEEF with a spear into the guardrail!!!!

[1.3]

Andrew Fulton: Dinosaur Bones headbutting Beef off of him... but the DJ using his downed partner as a stepping stone to hit a COMINGATCHA--------took the giant dinosaur costume over the guardrail into the crowd!

[2.01]

Jeremy Tucker: Dinosaur fighting back up to his feet, using his tail to knock Tooki off of him... but Beef with a running forearm smash into Tooki from behind... DOUBLE NECKBREAKER INTO THE GUARDRAIL!!!!

Andrew Fulton: That got a 2 point 5! That was brutal! How high does this counter go up to?

Jeremy Tucker: DOOMSDAY DEVICE INTO THE RING STEPS!!! It apparently goes up to 11, but the crowd mostly registering in the twos.

Andrew Fulton: Crowd not familiar with these backyard guys, but they are really going at it.

Jeremy Tucker: Spiked Piledriver into the steel steps get a 2.1, as the Samoan HIT Parade leaves Dinosaur on the outside to go after the cowboy, who is still holding his arm in agony. BEEF slides into the ring, but the cowboy catches him coming in with a lone shooting star. Going for the pin, but there are no pins in this match.

Andrew Fulton: No disqualifications, no countouts, no submissions, it's a non-stop spot fest.

Jeremy Tucker: Tooki getting cut off with a hip attack, and the cowboy pulling out that starter gun to pistol whip Beef!!!

Andrew Fulton: That's one way around the numbers game.

Jeremy Tucker: WAIT, BEEF taking the gun away, and PISTOL WHIPPING the old man's broken arm! We're into the 3s now, because the jeers are there.

Andrew Fulton: The Samoans are suppose to be the good guys, right?

Jeremy Tucker: That's what the cheat sheet says. Bill Stokes trying to defend himself with that free arm, but BEEF just going to town with the gun... and here is DJ TOOKI from behind - BREAKING A RECORD PLAYER OVER THE COWBOY'S BACK!



VVV: Can you believe that Kennedy fuck? His career is over because Phoenix has his contract? He can work for me in Backyard. We'll have a lot of fun. He can take on Phoenix'sss kid! Who is he trying to fool? Make sure that pity party doessssn't go to air.

Spike Nelson: ...I already put it to air, Grandpa.

VVV <cringe>: Why are you giving our opponents airtime?

Spike Nelson: My character is Tyson McStevensonson, a very professional television director from Scotland, who still uses star wipes even though my wife Tori choked to death on an evil alien starfish named Starro. ...and the wipes remind me of that horrible Sunday afternoon, but I still do my job.

VVV: Playing? Thisss isss real, Spike.

Spike Nelson: It is? Poor Tori...

VVV: Pull up that SPW promo where I talk about having sex with Frostbites wife for half an hour... that was classic. We'll voice over SPW to SWAT, and Frostbite's wife to CSSSK'sss mom... ACTUALLY that isss way too much work. Just put that promo to air and at the end of it throw a text that readsss "Vile and Spike for the Eric Draven Memorial Cup" that way we can use it again later.

On the other side of the screen, Bill Stokes is road kill; and the Samoans have moved onto the larger Dinosaur Bones who desperately tries to defend the bloody stump that was his partner.

Spike Nelson: Marcus wants to know when the next Atlantic Coast show is coming out, should I put that on TV?

VVV: Is that in character or out of character?

Spike Nelson: I can't tell Grandpa... this is too much pressure. Can I be Green Arrow now? Starro needs to pay for what he did.

With Stokes out of action, Bones is getting double teamed with a series of double closelines and dropkicks from the large Samoans. Out of the back charges LEFT Tentacle to even the score! Since the audience know who Tentacle is from all the times he annoyed Joe Pesci, his appearance gets a 4.6.

VVV <noticing the split screen>: Is that live? <turning to the camera with a fiendish grin> Hello SSSWAT... we hope you enjoy this vassstly superior Backyard action. Four guys... <looking at set> five guys... who are showing more passssssion than half the first round participants.

Makes you think.

Ssspeaking of passssssssion... it sounds like CSSSK thinks that just because I refer to him and Turner as HOT GARBAGE, that there is no respect there.

<chuckle> You should have seen the names I came up with for the other guys, Kennedy.

I'm glad its you two we'll be facing in the finalsss. Far less bad blood than those other guys... but the story of this being your lassst match? You don't have to try so hard. I told you... me and Spike are going to make the audience cheer for you. We'll do it the old fassshioned way. <infamous sneer> Being ourselves. <reassuring smile> You don’t have to try to manipulate them with tall tales of this being your ssswansssong. You think if you win this, that Phoenix will recognize your worth and let you stick around? Is this it, or is this it but maybe not? Keep your story straight.

How about putting all your heart into a contest where even if you LOSE... you prove your worth?

How about one upping the match we had with Funny Busssinesssssss... that would show everyone how great you are. I know you can do it. I may not help, because I'm a dick, but doing it by yourself?

<slow clap> Even more impressive. So you have to win in your last match? How sad. One would hope that in a career worth remembering, that wins and loses don't really matter. You go out on your back, passing the torch, to the future of the sport... in this case, ME.

When you put that much ssstock into a win... you've already lost. You want a glorious high to call it a career on? That was againssst Phoenix. That was an earlier round. Not this one. This round is pain. This round is tragedy. Beautiful tragedy. Embrace it. Make the mossst of it. This is still your night Kennedy. You just have to share that ssspotlight. Ssspeaking of which...

Spike Nelson: Five minutes to live!

A star wipe removes the split screen, just as LEFT Tentacle GIANT SWINGS Tooki into Dinosaur Bones tail. 4.8.

Jeremy Tucker: Sorry about that fans, we are clearly having a few production issues at the moment. Better Than Sex once again showing how much they respect the in-ring action... and its there own guys in the ring! The bastards...

Andrew Fulton: Stokes destroyed in the first minute, but LEFT Tentacle has come out, and the crowd is finally getting involved in this match as Tentacle and Dinosaur go to town on the Samoans.

Jeremy Tucker: WAIT BEEF HAS GOTTEN HIS HANDS ON A COAL MINER'S GLOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Fulton: The Coal Miner's glove just got a 7.8!!! It is so over!

Jeremy Tucker: It is insanely cool. The moment this pay per view ends, and we have a few months before our next gig, I am definitely becoming a coal miner.

Andrew Fulton: Me too! My cousin is going to hook me up. Beef nailing Dinosaur Bones with that Coal Miner's Glove ---- THE FORCE OF THE SHOT KNOCKED THE SKELETON RIGHT OUT OF THE DINOSAUR SKIN!!! ...and the skeleton is wearing boxers with hearts on them! Boxers with hearts! The audience is eating it up... 8.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy Tucker: BEEF with a coal miner's glove shot to the Skeleton--- knocks it to pieces!

[7.4!]

Andrew Fulton: BEEF now trying to nail LEFT Tentacle, but the slimy appendage assassin side steps it--- BEEF NAILED HIS OWN PARTNER!!!!!!! FORCE OF THE COAL MINER'S GLOVE FORCED DJ TOOKI OUT OF THE RING, INTO THE FORTH ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[7.8!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Jeremy Tucker: LEFT Tentacle DROPKICKS the Coal Miner's Glove INTO Beef's Face!!!! He kicked his hand into his face! The force sends Beef up to the top rope and right off, CRASHING into the fifth row!!!!!

[7.999!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Andrew Fulton: The audience is chanting for coal miners! Of course they are!

Jeremy Tucker: Both Extinction Connection and Samoan HIT Parade are wiped out, with only LEFT Tentacle standing in the--------wait--------

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Andrew Fulton: Blood Brothers from behind nail LEFT Tentacle with BABYLON BLACK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[8.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

Jeremy Tucker: Lucian and Julius - the Butchers of Babylon - one of the amazing SWAT in-house teams that didn't make the Anzac Cup, have come out to make their presence felt!

Andrew Fulton: They have to be livid being left off the tag show, especially with these backyard workers getting showtime!

Jeremy Tucker: The Blood Brothers taking LEFT Tentacle apart with a german suplex into a top rope back stabber! And there's the Ghostbuster!!!

Andrew Fulton: All the other backyard guys were murdered by that coal miner, so its LEFT Tentacle being left to the wolves.

Jeremy Tucker: SIDE EFFECT to the outside gets a 7.6!!! LEFT Tentacle just bounced off the concrete!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Andrew Fulton: WAIT - who is this?

Jeremy Tucker: I still have nightmares from the Rick Owens cup - THAT'S RIGHT TENTACLE!!! LEFT Tentacle's long missing tag partner has come out of the back...

Andrew Fulton: Audience doesn't know right from left, so he only gets a 4.1. ...And he's only getting that for coming out to LEFT Tentacle's aid...

Jeremy Tucker: RIGHT Tentacle with a chair, chasing Blood Brothers out of the ring, but the damage is done.

Andrew Fulton: LEFT Tentacle looks shocked to see RIGHT... at least someone does. Right checking on LEFT... wait... here comes BEEF from behind...

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: BEEF HITTING RIGHT TENTACLE WITH THAT COAL MINER'S GLOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Andrew Fulton: The force of the coal miner's glove shreds the costume off of RIGHT Tentacle's bo-----------IS THAT!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: RIGHT TENTACLE IS ATTILA BALAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11.0!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DING!!!!! DING!!!!!!!!! DING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Fulton: ...really?!

Jeremy Tucker: Clearly not the original. Clearly... but a great guest spot. He is a friend to all men.

Andrew Fulton: Balan in the ring helping Bones, Tooki, and Stokes into the ring to join LEFT and BEEF.

Jeremy Tucker: Outside the referees are reviewing the footage...

Frank Salazar: After reviewing the audience reactions... the winners of this match... are...

THE INDUSTRIAL MAN

ATTILA BALAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MONSTER POP!!!!!!!!

Jeremy Tucker: So did Balan just win back the Twinstar titles?

Andrew Fulton: How are they ever going to take the belts off of him again!?

The Backyard workers look visibly upset, while the audience cheer their heads off for the International champion. With all the seriousness of a robot, The Industrial Man reaches through the ropes and takes the microphone away from Frank Salazar.

AB: Thank you for your support. Over the past few months I have had the great pleasure of working with these rising stars as part of the Backyard promotion. They put their hearts into their work, and it is a shame that their region does not always enjoy the television exposure of others. You may not have seen much of their work, but keep an eye out for these talents, who are the future of Syndicate Wrestling And Tradition. Please show all of them, your support.

[9.4.]

Jeremy Tucker: The audience giving the Backyard stars a standing ovation, including Balan. On the outside, The Blood Brothers look like they could kill someone.

Andrew Fulton: That was a surprisingly good match.

Jeremy Tucker: The only downside was Viper's impromptu com-----------

Star wipe.

[SWAT Team]

[We switch to the back and we see Joe Pesci and Delilah Strain approaching each other, Joe is motioning for her attention and to come over. ]

Joe Pesci : Delilah! My My MY Delilah! Just the lady I was looking to see.

Delilah Strain : Mr Pesci. Always a priveldge, allthough the singing …. eh, not so much, maybe stick to the raps?

Joe Pesci : Yeah yeah. Whatever toots. What a show this has been, we are smashing it at SWAT! I just wanted to touch base with you that everything is set for No Man's Land 4 and The All In match up for the ownership of SWAT.

Delilah Strain : Well, funny you mention that, because I have been needing to see YOU about something to do with that.

Joe Pesci : Really? What's that?

Delilah Strain : Your nephew Joey Morelli. He is not medically cleared, appears he has suffered an injury and is ruled out from the match.

Joe Pesci : WHAT!? An injury? I have not heard anything of this!

Delilah Strain : Its very unfortunate, however, I have rectified the situation you will be pleased to know.

Joe Pesci : Rectified? How? This isn't any old match you know, this is for the whole company! My shares against Soutter's!

Delilah Strain : Oh, I know. That’s why I made a ruling that I thought you would be pleased with, knowing you wouldn't trust just anyone to compete on your behalf, I have found the ideal replacement who will give their all for you more than any would.

Joe Pesci : Oh Yeah? And who is this guy?

Delilah Strain : Why, YOU Mr Pesci.

Joe Pesci : ME? Wrestle? Against Soutter?

Delilah Strain : Surely no one else could be more motivated. (Delilah's phone rings and she looks at it) Sorry Mr Pesci, but I must take this call, all the best at ALL IN!!

[Pesci stares at her in shock, actually speechless as she heads off in the other direction.]

[SWAT Team]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOhHqIv6gAM
Wiseguy by Joe Pesci hits and Pesci makes his way out to the ring, the fans are boo’ing and screaming abuse at him and letting him know come No Man’s Land All In he is a dead man. He waves to them all and then moves across to the commentary position with Tucker and Fulton.

Jeremy Tucker : Welcome Joe, come to help us call the main event?

Andrew Fulton : Come to help ME Jerry, You just got the rest of the night off, pal.

Joe Pesci : Ok. Ok, ok, ok , ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. He can stay, and yes, i thought i would come down and lend my expertise to the main event.

Jeremy Tucker : Expertise?

Andrew Fulton : He is about to become full owner of the fed Jerry. He can call himself an expert in anything he likes.

Joe Pesci : I sure am Mr Fulton. No Man’s Land 4. Joanne Cannelli and myself are going to rip shreds through Soutter and Alice and i will win his share of the fed and be sole owner, but that’s not impotant right now, what is important is the main event of the Anzac Cup.

Jeremy Tucker : Damn straight. _Sir. Sixteen teams have been dwindled down to two. Timeless & CSK and Better Than Sex.

Andrew Fulton : What an epic encounter this shapes to be.

Joe Pesci : Before we hit this match, i have one more announcement i would like to make. We all know the Slain Asylum is up next in ACW ... well ... i have just signed the hottest former superstar to return here to SWAT ... i just can’t keep it under wraps any longer, and sooooo, i have to let you all know, entering the Slain Asylum ... and signing on a full time contract with SWAT .... THE RISING SUN!!! MARTY DONOVAN!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : YES!!! What a coup for us, well done Mr Pesci. It will be great to see the Rising Sun back in action.

Andrew Fulton : O Boy will it! Well done Joe!

Joe Pesci : Eh, another day at the office. Let’s get on with this!! Frank!!!

Frank Salazar : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ... THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A TAG TEAM MATCH SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL, AND IS THE FINAL OF THE 2018 ANZAC CUP TAG TEAM TOURNEMANT!!!

The opening to White Zombie's More Human Than Human starts to pump over the loud speakers, the house lights dimming as a woman moans loudly.


The moaning quickly stops, a scratching sound cutting to the Teddybear's Cobrastyle, as white fireworks explode from the entranceway. As the house lights come up, there are a dozen exhibitionists in snake body paint on stage contorting around explicitly enough for the pay per view broadcaster to drop SWAT, but managing to cover all the naughty bits up so as to not get this segments designer in trouble. ...suck it.

Frank Salazar : Introducing first ... Please put your hands together in welcoming...

BETTER
THAN
SEX
WITH
VILE VINCE VIPER
AND
SIMPLY AMAZING SPIKE NELSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With the announcement of Better Than Sex, some orange fireworks explode, causing all the snake models to stop their lewd exchanges. Spike Nelson dives through the entrance curtains in sync with a second round of red fire works; while a subdued Vile "Vince" Viper calmly struts out in sync with the music. The snake models prance down the aisle, throwing flower petals at the feet of the greatest tag team of all time.

Jeremy Tucker : Here they are, the favourites to win tonight, and they look amazing. CSK and Timeless have their hands full if they are to get past this team.

Andrew Fulton : I love Timeless, and CSK is a true great, but they ain’t beating Better Than Sex. No how. No way.

Joe Pesci : I never liked this guy, Soutter painted him in a very bad light to me, but now i can see him for the true genius he is!

Orion - Eternity (Chillout Version) hits and Turner struts down the aisle, glaring at the crowd with contempt and disgust. Roxylishus stops to interact with one of the crowd, then wretches and turns away heading to the ring, she gets up on the apron and holds the ropes down for Turner.

Roxylishus grabs the mic and passes it to Turner.

Timeless : I got passion in my pants and i ain’t afraid to show it.

Crowd : I’M, SEXY AND I KNOW IT!

Timeless : No (holding his hand up to block them) Your not! I (points to himself with his thumb) AM!

[Timeless drops the mic and saunters smugly around the ring impressed with himself.]

Frank Salazar : And introducing their opponents, first ... accompanied by Roxylishus!!! (crowd goes berserk) hailing from New Hope, Minnesota. Coming in at 6’4 and 262 lbs ..... TIMELESS ALEX TURNER!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : What a specimen.

Andrew Fulton : She sure is ... ohhh ... you meant Timeless, yes, he is a specimen all right ... but SHE ... she ... she takes my breathe away.

Joe Pesci : Keep it in your pants Fulton.

Frank Salazar : And introducing his tag team partner ... hailing from the Hollywood Hills. Coming in at 6’4 & 245 lbs ..... CHRISTIAN SEBASTIAN KENNEDY!!!!

The SWAT Tron flickers and then comes to show CSK standing in the gorilla position and then three shapes walk into his path. The Church!! Phoenix, Carpenter and Daniel Collins all surround CSK.

Phoenix : Just where do you think you’re going? In case you have forgotten, i own your contract. Which means, i own you. (CSK glares fury and rage at PX.) So, we tried it nicely in the earlier match, you chose to defy me. Now, you got two choices. We do this the easy way. Timeless out there gets the beating of a life time two on one and you leave peacefully with us. Or .... we do this the hard way. We don’t want to go there, we all know what that is ... so ... what’s it going to be?

Jeremy Tucker : President Phoenix is not allowing CSK to compete in the final! This is outrageous!

Andrew Fulton : Can he do this?

Joe Pesci : He just did, pal.

Jeremy Tucker : CSK is physically trembling! Look at him, he is shaking. WHAM!! He just clocked Carpenter, and then Collins. He grabs both and rams their heads together. He then charges the President and spears him right through the gorilla position out onto the rampway and mounts him wailing away with wild lefts and rights.

Andrew Fulton : This is not the start we expected. Timeless is staring on from the ring and Triple V nails him from behind with an ax handle and then he and Spike start stomping away on Timeless.

Joe Pesci : Ref ... get this thing going would ya!

The bell rings and CSK gets up off Phoenix and turns to make his way down the ramp, but Carpenter and Daniel Collins both bum rush him from the back and dive on him and way lay him, double teaming him, as Timeless is getting double teamed in the ring. CSK drops to the edge of the rampway from the double team, and his temple smashes on the edge of it. He then falls off the edge.

Jeremy Tucker : This is out of control! Come on! Somebody do something!

Andrew Fulton : Here comes Phoenix Jerry. Right on queue for your plea for help.

Joe Pesci : (laughing at Fulton) Triple V and Spike double suplex Timeless.

Jeremy Tucker : Phoenix, Carpenter and Collins all leap off the edge of the ramp, dropping knee’s and legs and elbows on CSK! He hasn’t moved and looks like there is blood trickling from both his temple and the corner of his lip!

Andrew Fulton : They may have killed him!

Joe Pesci : No, it was an accident, he just hit himself on the edge of the ramp, manslaughter at worst. Be out in 6 to 10 months.

Jeremy Tucker : Phoenix looking at the blood, and CSK is starting to convulse. He and Carp and Collins hoist CSK up and rush him to the back.

Andrew Fulton : Phoenix telling them to get him some medical attention, he is no good to them dead, and come call him when he comes to.

Joe Pesci : Timeless is thrown to the ropes and he bounces off, ducks a double clothesline and bounces off again, DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE FROM TIMELESS TO BOTH TRIPLE V AND SPIKE NELSON!!

Jeremy Tucker : Nice calling Joe! You are a natural. I hope wrestling comes just as naturally to you, or else come ALL IN, you’re screwed.

Andrew Fulton : He’ll be ok. You will be ok Joe. Wont you?

Joe Pesci : I ‘ll sort something out.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless with a bulldog on Spike. Then he nails Triple V with an atomic drop. DROP KICK to the back of the head of Triple V ... man ... what a drop kick!

Andrew Fulton : Best in the game!

Joe Pesci : Spike runs at Timeless and he gets arm dragged!

Jeremy Tucker : Triple V charges and he eats an arm drag!

Andrew Fulton : Timeless is flawless! He makes arm drags and drop kicks look like no one else in the game!

Joe Pesci : Spike charges Timeless and Timeless with a back body drop ... sends Spike sailing over the top rope to the outside.

Jeremy Tucker : Viper with a drop kick of his own! Rocks Timeless ... he hooks Alex and NO!! Timeless with another arm drag!

Andrew Fulton : Triple V back to his feet, they go to hook up ... thumb to the throat of Timeless and the crowd boo’ing the snake man.

Joe Pesci : Timeless looks like he is struggling to breath. Two on one, he looks to be in trouble.

Jeremy Tucker : Roxylishus makes her way over to Spike, and helps him to his feet, she starts flirting with him, and then asks him to show her some break dance moves.

Andrew Fulton : No Spike! Get back in the ring! Don’t fall for the Medusa! She is like a Siren and once you hear her call, no one can resist!

Joe Pesci : Triple V delivers a butterfly suplex! Amazing!

Jeremy Tucker : Turner bounces to his feet, grabs Viper and plants him with a T-Bone suplex!

Andrew Fulton : On the outside, Spike has been charmed by Roxylishus and he is trying to teach her some break dance moves, oblivious to the in ring action.

Joe Pesci : Triple V back to his feet and nails Timeless with an exploder suplex!

Jeremy Tucker : These two greats are trading suplex for suplex!

Andrew Fulton : Timeless back up and he executes a perfect full nelson suplex, holds on for the cover.

Joe Pesci : One ............................. Two ......................... kick out by Viper!

Jeremy Tucker : Roxylishus clapping along to Spikes instructions and demonstrations, she seems real exited, and she gives Spike a little peck on the cheek kiss, and then whispers in his ear. Spike goes wide eyed and is beaming brightly, thrilled, and then they hold hands and start to make their way towards the back up the ramp way.

Andrew Fulton : And it could be one on one now! Roxylishus getting rid of Spike Nelson! I don’t blame you kid, i’d walk out on here too, even just to hear her sweet nothings in my ear ...

Joe Pesci : Enough Fulton! Viper hits a Japanese arm drag, then gives Timeless the touchee’ fuck you look! Timeless snarls and runs at him and Viper catches him with a series of rapid fire fists, then a reverse neck breaker.

A shot in the back shows Collins and Carpenter of the Chursch watching the action on a screen backstage, a medic looking over Kennedy. CSK comes too, looks where he is and then rams both the heads of Carpenter and Collins together. He grabs Daniel and plants him with a brainbuster. Then, he grabs Carpenter, and thrusts his head right into the monitor TV he was watching the action on. The medic then pulls him back to continue his examination, and CSK grabs him and gives him a Stunner! The crowd go mental, and he runs out from the back and onto the ramp way and see’s Roxylishus and Spike and he nails Spike with a spear.

Jeremy Tucker : Brutal spear from CSK! Spike is out!

Andrew Fulton : CSK charges to the ring and slides in and almost takes Triple Vs head off with a devastating clothesline!

Joe Pesci : Now it’s still two on one, but in Triple V’s disadvantage.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless delivers a fisherman bomb to Viper.

Andrew Fulton : Kennedy grabs him and nails a pump handle flipping release half nelson.

Joe Pesci : Cover from CSK .............. One ...................... Two ....................... Viper rolls the shoulder.

Jeremy Tucker : Wowee! Triple V reaches out and eye gouges Timeless. Blinding him!

Andrew Fulton : CSK delivers a package piledriver.

Joe Pesci : Cover again from CSK .... One ....................... Two ...................... Viper gets his foot n the rope.

Jeremy Tucker : Spike starts to stir coming too, and Roxylishus is helping him up and directing him to the back with her, but he shakes her off, and says he needs to go to the ring. The CSK spear broke the Siren spell!

Andrew Fulton : Jerry, if i am ever under that spell, under NO circumstances are you, or anyone else to spear me!

Joe Pesci : CSK with a lifting Heart Punch on Triple V!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Cover by Kennedy! One ..................... Two ............... Spike breaks the count pulling Kennedy out of the ring.

Andrew Fulton : Spike then grabs the head of CSK and rams it into the barrier.

Joe Pesci : Spike lines up CSK on the steel ring steps .... CURB STOMP!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Triple V and Timeless back on the feet, Viper with a thrust kick to the head!

Andrew Fulton : Boot scrap by Tiple V, in the already blinded eyes of Timeless!

Joe Pesci : Viper lifts Timeless up in a bear hug, and bouncing into the ring with a springboard off the top rope, Spike connects with a SPIKE CUTTER!!!

VVV hands Spike a mini box of Pacman cereal - Spike Hulks up and starts to rapid fire bite Kennedy like he’s eating ghosts!!! Then VVV throws Spike another box, this time it’s All Bran - All Bran tastes awful! Refusing to eat it, Spike feeds it to Turner instead—— who is poisoned. Only Spike can eat 30 year old expired cereal. It’s his special power.

Jeremy Tucker : Spike Cutter!! Nelson with the cover on Timeless ................ One ..................... Two ............ Roxylishus pulls him from the ring.

Andrew Fulton : Go Roxy!

Joe Pesci : Spike looks mad, but then she smiles at him trying to put the Siren Spell on again ....

Jeremy Tucker : TRIPLE V WITH THE BASEBALL SLIDE KICK TO THE OUTSIDE JUST KNOCKED ROXYLISHUS THE FUCK OUT!

Andrew Fulton : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Joe Pesci : He had too! Had to break the charm before it was on again.

Jeremy Tucker : CSK see’s Spike near him, and it triggers him back into action, and he hits a running knee into the back of Spike which sends Spike cannoning into Triple V.

Andrew Fulton : CSK slides back in the ring and he and Timeless then in stereo both run and bounce off the ropes and dive through the ropes hitting simultaneous suicide dives on Viper and Spike.

Joe Pesci : They then roll Spike into the ring ....

Jeremy Tucker : Oh no! Here comes Phoenix again. He looks none too pleased.

Andrew Fulton : You want something done right Jerry, you got to do it yourself.

Joe Pesci : He likes to throw his weight around the Pres, and i must say, i am a fan of that and am digging his style.

Jeremy Tucker : CSK heads to the top and as he does ... Timeless hoists Spike up and powerbombs him! As he delivers the powerbomb ... CSK flips into the ring with a Blockbuster! Blockbuster Powerbomb!

Andrew Fulton : Devastating!

Joe Pesci : Spike is Splat!

Jeremy Tucker : Cover from CSK! One ................. Two .................... Viper breaks the count.

Andrew Fulton : Never forger Vile!

Joe Pesci : Vile enters the ring and nails Timeless with a Tiger Driver!

Jeremy Tucker : CSK comes at him and eats a Mad Scientist bomb!

Andrew Fulton : Triple V looking to wrap things up here!

Joe Pesci : The Church are gathered at ringside and having a pow wow to sort out their game plan.

Jeremy Tucker : Triple V Irish whips CSK to the turnbuckle, but he runs up it and then dives off it takes out all three members of the Church with a crazy cross body!

Andrew Fulton : Man! All four men start to stagger to their feet, and then Spike starts bouncing around the ring like a monkey, making monkey sounds! He runs the ropes and then leaps to the top rope in one jump, and does a springboard shooting star press to the outside on top of all three members of the Church AND CSK!

Joe Pesci : Crowd going_mental!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless and Triple V, once again, circle each other. Timeless hits a dragon suplex, then a back breaker. He goes for a clothesline, but Triple V ducks under it, and then enziguri’s him!

Andrew Fulton : Triple V goes for a belly to back suplex but Timeless rolls off his shoulder and hits a FALCON ARROW!!!

Joe Pesci : He got it!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless with the cover! One ................ Two ...................... Spike breaks the count.

Andrew Fulton : Wow! Timeless is irate! Spike is trying to make his way back into the ring, and Timeless grabs him violently by the hair and drags him up onto the top rope ...

Joe Pesci : TORNADO DDT! Spike Nelson with the tornado DDT on Timeless!

Jeremy Tucker : On the outside, Carpenter and Collins are setting up a table. They hoist a groggy CSK up onto it.

Andrew Fulton : They hook a shoulder each and lift him up for a double ghost buster, NO!!!

Joe Pesci : CSK counters and DDT’s both through the table!

Jeremy Tucker : What a battle! I don’t see how any of them are still going! And CSK ... he has had three members of the Church to deal with as well as Better Than Sex.

Andrew Fulton : Life’s tough Jerry, then you become a wrestler.

Joe Pesci : None of this would have happened to him if he had just listened to what his boss told him.

Jeremy Tucker : Speaking of bosses, CSK has Phoenix now in his sites and the Pres is backing up, CSK charges him and Phoenix catches him and hits a spinning spine buster! Right into the steel ring steps!

Andrew Fulton : Wow!

Joe Pesci : In the ring, Triple V hits a jumping back drop driver on Timeless!

Jeremy Tucker : Vile Driver 98!

Andrew Fulton : Timeless staggers to his feet ... SUPERKICK! Spike with the superkick!

Joe Pesci : Carpenter and Collins lay the boots into CSK and Phoenix sets up another table.

Jeremy Tucker : Triple V with a single arm powerbomb.

Andrew Fulton : Spike does a little break dance, then hits a front flip off the top turnbuckle into a Devils Stomp!

Joe Pesci : JERSEY DEVIL SPIKE!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Phoenix hoists a prone CSK onto the table .... PHOENIX DRIVER!!! THROUGH THE TABLE!!!

Andrew Fulton : Crescent Moon Killer – Viper with a backflip thrust knee strike to the head of Timeless!

Joe Pesci : No one ever in the history of the history has ever kicked out of this!

Jeremy Tucker : One ...............................

Will Timeless be the first?

Two ..............................

THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Andrew Fulton : BETTER THAN SEX WIN! BETTER THAN SEX WIN!!!

VVV: (snatching the mic from Frank)Hey Everybody... we’re all gonna get laid!

Everyone is magically wearing lays and holding booze! Kenny Loggins “I’m Alright” pumps over the PA system while Better Than Sex attempt to break dance to it. President Phoenix entering the ring and presenting them with the 2018 Anzac Cup