Battleground 22 :The Best Show That SWAT Has Done Yet (Show)
Jan 2, 2020 5:35:33 GMT -5
Jonnie Valentine likes this
Post by King Syberus on Jan 2, 2020 5:35:33 GMT -5
110% Syberus: It's 2020 and your lameazz is making gay jokes.
[Fade into Syberus on a cruise ship, wearing a rainbow gay pride “110% BITCH” T-Shirt and speedos. He's leaning back in a deck chair sipping a sangria. You might think hey, wait a second, isn't this the kind of promo the formerly “great” Syberus would make? Sitting back looking cocky drinking an effeminate beverage while casually chastising his opponent?]
[You'd be right.]
[If you weren't wrong.]
[Pan down and 110% Syberus's feet are popping back and forth on a little steppy machine. That's the difference. Right there.]
[That's where the percents are found.]
110% Syberus: Guess what my intellectually impaired roster filler chums, it's hard for you to say “Oh Roxy's not a wrestler she's a valet” in the same breath as you bragging about winning the wrestling match you just wrestled against wrestlers.
[Syberus flicks a nearby TV on with remote. As if by magic, it's cued up just right.]
Roxy, in her own words only last month: “You are getting in the ring with Roxylishus! I am a reality tv STAR! I am the most uploaded woman on the whole internet for 2019! And ... i will happily remind you, i am a very accomplished wrestler in my own right.”
110% Syberus: You 'aint shit, Roxy. You're sat there with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and Suzi Spitz is looking like fire as Heavyweight Champion of the World. You're pathetic. You've got nothing. Except a guy with a time machine which we've established no one gives a fuck about. Bravo. Yeah God forbid you use your interesting gimmick to make an interesting promo, what an asshole I was to suggest such a thing right?
[An oiled up muscular waiter wearing only speedos and a dicky bow tie comes over and swaps Syberus's drink for a fresh one.]
110% Syberus: Thanks, Andreas. I guess it's all the more indicting to say that regardless, you could do better Roxy. Because seeing you constantly tied to the arm of that depressing waste of carbon is... well it makes me feel...
[Syberus shrugs and slurps more sangria.]
110% Syberus: I won't lie to you it doesn't really make me feel anything at all. You see.
[Syberus tips his shades down to look at the camera. Oh yeah he's wearing shades by the way. They've got Elton John style pink flamingos on them because fuck you.]
110% Syberus: I booked this match for one reason and one reason only. It has nothing to do with Roxy's big fat melons. It's got nothing to do with the KGB versus the Society of the New Breed. It certainly isn't for the honor of stepping into the ring with a time traveller that doesn't travel through time.
It's for the SWAT Hardcore Championship.
You know.
That thing you constantly forget you have. That you don't wear or carry or talk about. I want that belt. THAT my friends, certainly does outshine the pair of you. It outshines the tits. It outshines the watch. Wrestling for championship gold IS an honor. It's the highest honor any one of us in this profession can HOPE to achieve. Alex, you and me are gonna stand infront of a thousand fans and we're gonna tear the roof down. We're gonna leave my friend and mentor, and man I will never betray and who will never betray me, guaranteed Jonnie Valentine and Suzi Spitz a hell of a challenge to top the match that just came before them.
We're gonna step in a 15ft high steel cage...
[Andreas walks past with another tray of drinks.]
Andreas: Oh dahling you wanna talk about a cage, there was theez one time in Marrakesh-
110% Syberus: Not now, Andreas.
Andreas: I get eet. You workin'.
[He saunters off with the drinks.]
110% Syberus: Alex, you've been phoning this shit in for long enough. Time for the biggest wake up call of your career. I'm going to strip you of your gold, your dignity, and I'd say that I'd steal your girl as well but quite frankly her face is fucking howling. I want that Hardcore Championship and I'm willing to put your life on the line to get it.
You've got no idea what I'm capable of. No idea. The percents I'm capable of putting in.
Don't you get it?
Don't you see yet?
110% Syberus has been here week in week out since that defeat to Radu Matei – a defeat, Alex, that gave me the slap in the face I needed, the very same I'm about to give you. I've been hustling, baby. Putting in those percents no matter what. I volunteered as a ref. I helped the ring crew set up. I took ol' Sal's graveyard janitor shifts when his Lucy was in hospital again. I'm a SWAT man. I'm a company man. I want this brand to succeed because like it or not this is the last bastion of wrestling greatness in the world. And I intend to wear one of the belts if it kills me, or more likely you.
I'm going to step into that ring with a shitty time traveller that doesn't travel through time. I'm gonna send him back to his wrestler/valet with his face smashed in. When I'm done with you son your face is gonna look worse than hers and that's giving myself a tall order indeed.
And I'm gonna take the SWAT Hardcore Championship. Strap it round my waist. And thrust that fucker in the face of everyone watching.
[We fade. How was Syberus on a cruise when he's about to wrestle? Don't worry about that.]
[Fade into Syberus on a cruise ship, wearing a rainbow gay pride “110% BITCH” T-Shirt and speedos. He's leaning back in a deck chair sipping a sangria. You might think hey, wait a second, isn't this the kind of promo the formerly “great” Syberus would make? Sitting back looking cocky drinking an effeminate beverage while casually chastising his opponent?]
[You'd be right.]
[If you weren't wrong.]
[Pan down and 110% Syberus's feet are popping back and forth on a little steppy machine. That's the difference. Right there.]
[That's where the percents are found.]
110% Syberus: Guess what my intellectually impaired roster filler chums, it's hard for you to say “Oh Roxy's not a wrestler she's a valet” in the same breath as you bragging about winning the wrestling match you just wrestled against wrestlers.
[Syberus flicks a nearby TV on with remote. As if by magic, it's cued up just right.]
Roxy, in her own words only last month: “You are getting in the ring with Roxylishus! I am a reality tv STAR! I am the most uploaded woman on the whole internet for 2019! And ... i will happily remind you, i am a very accomplished wrestler in my own right.”
110% Syberus: You 'aint shit, Roxy. You're sat there with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp and Suzi Spitz is looking like fire as Heavyweight Champion of the World. You're pathetic. You've got nothing. Except a guy with a time machine which we've established no one gives a fuck about. Bravo. Yeah God forbid you use your interesting gimmick to make an interesting promo, what an asshole I was to suggest such a thing right?
[An oiled up muscular waiter wearing only speedos and a dicky bow tie comes over and swaps Syberus's drink for a fresh one.]
110% Syberus: Thanks, Andreas. I guess it's all the more indicting to say that regardless, you could do better Roxy. Because seeing you constantly tied to the arm of that depressing waste of carbon is... well it makes me feel...
[Syberus shrugs and slurps more sangria.]
110% Syberus: I won't lie to you it doesn't really make me feel anything at all. You see.
[Syberus tips his shades down to look at the camera. Oh yeah he's wearing shades by the way. They've got Elton John style pink flamingos on them because fuck you.]
110% Syberus: I booked this match for one reason and one reason only. It has nothing to do with Roxy's big fat melons. It's got nothing to do with the KGB versus the Society of the New Breed. It certainly isn't for the honor of stepping into the ring with a time traveller that doesn't travel through time.
It's for the SWAT Hardcore Championship.
You know.
That thing you constantly forget you have. That you don't wear or carry or talk about. I want that belt. THAT my friends, certainly does outshine the pair of you. It outshines the tits. It outshines the watch. Wrestling for championship gold IS an honor. It's the highest honor any one of us in this profession can HOPE to achieve. Alex, you and me are gonna stand infront of a thousand fans and we're gonna tear the roof down. We're gonna leave my friend and mentor, and man I will never betray and who will never betray me, guaranteed Jonnie Valentine and Suzi Spitz a hell of a challenge to top the match that just came before them.
We're gonna step in a 15ft high steel cage...
[Andreas walks past with another tray of drinks.]
Andreas: Oh dahling you wanna talk about a cage, there was theez one time in Marrakesh-
110% Syberus: Not now, Andreas.
Andreas: I get eet. You workin'.
[He saunters off with the drinks.]
110% Syberus: Alex, you've been phoning this shit in for long enough. Time for the biggest wake up call of your career. I'm going to strip you of your gold, your dignity, and I'd say that I'd steal your girl as well but quite frankly her face is fucking howling. I want that Hardcore Championship and I'm willing to put your life on the line to get it.
You've got no idea what I'm capable of. No idea. The percents I'm capable of putting in.
Don't you get it?
Don't you see yet?
110% Syberus has been here week in week out since that defeat to Radu Matei – a defeat, Alex, that gave me the slap in the face I needed, the very same I'm about to give you. I've been hustling, baby. Putting in those percents no matter what. I volunteered as a ref. I helped the ring crew set up. I took ol' Sal's graveyard janitor shifts when his Lucy was in hospital again. I'm a SWAT man. I'm a company man. I want this brand to succeed because like it or not this is the last bastion of wrestling greatness in the world. And I intend to wear one of the belts if it kills me, or more likely you.
I'm going to step into that ring with a shitty time traveller that doesn't travel through time. I'm gonna send him back to his wrestler/valet with his face smashed in. When I'm done with you son your face is gonna look worse than hers and that's giving myself a tall order indeed.
And I'm gonna take the SWAT Hardcore Championship. Strap it round my waist. And thrust that fucker in the face of everyone watching.
[We fade. How was Syberus on a cruise when he's about to wrestle? Don't worry about that.]