Anthony Caffrey's Stability Cookies [Rumble #1]

[anthonycaffrey]

Anthony Caffrey’s Stability Cookies

(Gluten Free Peanut Butter and Chocolate)

April 1st, 2020

Good morning Internet! Rise and shine, folks. I know you’re all procrastinating doing the actual work you’re supposed to be doing from home because you heard that I was posting a fucking cookie recipe and you clicked on it, but don’t worry, we all know that’s exactly how much work you lazy bastards do outside of quarantine conditions too. Then you all sit there and wonder why hard-working and talented guys like me (let’s not kid ourselves, it’s just me) win championships and go on undefeated streaks while you can’t get a raise.

TFW when you know what I'm saying is true, but you're still going to read this whole thing.

I wanted to post something a little different today for some much-needed levity. That was the longest March in recorded history, and now it’s April Fool’s Day and you’re about to see some real dumb shit on the Internet today. And no, I’m not talking about the numerous assholes who can’t read the room doing COVID-19 pranks. I’m talking about all these lesser wrestlers who are going to stand in front of a camera somewhere and lie to you all that they’re going to win the XHF Rumble and that they’re the competitor everyone needs to look out for.

Yep, Gene. Really.

Little names, big names, it’s all a bunch of bullshit people have been strongly thinking about for the past six or seven days. Everyone wants to make the best first impression they can so people take them seriously. You’re going to see a collection of nobodies walking in off the street claiming they’re better than the established veteran you know who carried AXW for over a year. They’re not worth naming because they’ll leave after they’re tossed over the ropes. When they lose, they’ll crawl back into self-isolation because they never gave a shit about the XHF in the first place.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

You’re going to see competitors who have gotten repeated X-Crown shots stand up and proudly claim that this is it, that they’re going to win it all this time. And hey, if you’re like Maverick and Barratt and you receive fifteen shots at the crown, eventually you’re going to win one. But some of us… some of us only get one chance a year to make it happen. 

Go look around the Network, I’ve been in smaller rumbles as of late. Granted, the bigger story is that PETA has demanded that I make a donation to the ASPCA after breaking a dog’s leg in that match, but…

Ruh roh, Raggy. 

That little fuck--- he deserved it. He bit me!! That mangy mutt should be put down. PETA can kiss my ass.

I was going to put Cartman telling his class to kiss his ass here, but there's already enough cartoon assholes on the Network.

But if you go back and watch that rumble and SWAT’s rumble, you’re going to see one thing in common: multiple guys teaming up to get me out. I had three or four competitors on me in Destiny’s version and SEVEN GUYS on me when I debuted in SWAT. The fear is fucking real, boys. Those seven guys? They had to literally give me cement shoes to get me out of that match. 

The reason why you should take everything else people say today as bullshit is that everyone already knows I’m the favorite. From the moment I took home the XHF Kingpin award -- currently sitting on the mantle my fireplace, shiny as ever -- everyone knew that was this the next step. There are three things all too inevitable in life: death (unfortunately timely given the state of the world), taxes (they’ve been delayed, but you’re still gonna pay Uncle Sam), and Anthony Caffrey winning big fucking matches.

Pictured: Uncle Sam, Tax Day 2019.

Everyone knows I’m the favorite because if you haven’t been living under a goddamn rock you know I will do whatever the fuck it takes to cement my legacy once and for all. I spraypainted a dead woman’s tombstone(!) last year to play mind games with someone trying to take championship gold away from me. I ALLEGEDLY -- can not stress enough -- ALLEGEDLY -- trashed a multi-MILLION dollar hotel to send a message. I don’t think any of these jackasses getting in front of a camera today understand: I will do any fucking thing I have to do to win the X-Crown. Fuck President Kanyon, I will be the one that brings stability in this time of crisis.

Now, with today’s crippling amount of information overload, I hope this helps. If you see someone else saying they’re gonna win the Rumble, just turn off their bullshit. I know you may have a wealth of free time on your hands, but I promise you you have more important things to do with your day than listen to people like Johnny Sniper waste your time.

Someone tell Sniper this is referring to winning, not showing up. Granted, with his W-L record, maybe showing up is winning for him. I dunno.

One of the things you’ll find more valuable than listening to Ryan Young talk a big fucking game and choke hard again like Maverick 2.0 is making Anthony Caffrey’s (Gluten Free) Peanut Butter and Chocolate Stability Cookies. These cookies are easy to work up, like telling Dylan Black he’ll never accomplish what Anomoly did. When they hit your tastebuds, they have a satisfying conclusion (they’re peanut butter and chocolate, after all), unlike anything Michael Storm ever does. Another great thing about them is that you can make them with ingredients you have lying around at home, like Steve Awesome thinking anyone wants to see a Steve Awesome comeback.

I would’ve made a Chris Card joke too, but since he only cares about things with his name on them, this caption will suffice.

But the best thing about these cookies is that they’ll provide you some much-needed stability in these tough times. The pure joy of a warm cookie could even make your snot-nosed children happy for a brief few moments. Granted, that feeling of stability only lasts as long as the cookies do -- and that won’t be nearly as long as my performance in the Rumble last year (over three hours) or my upcoming X-Crown reign. The visual of me holding the X-Crown will provide the XHF the long-term stability it needs to get through this crisis. These cookies will only get you through a Wednesday evening.

YOU WILL NEED:

1 cup of peanut butter (if you’re using the metric system, fuck you)

1 cup of sugar

An egg

A large bowl

An oven set to 350F

Step 1) Preheat your goddamn oven. I’ve built my legitimacy through preparing better than anyone else in the federation. You can set your oven.

Step 2) Scoop out the peanut butter into your bowl. This shit sticks to your spoon more than Wellington Dunne relying on others to find success, so be mindful that it won’t be perfect. All these guys are going to try to come up with perfect plans for winning this damn thing, and you gotta know you can’t plan for everything. You have to be able to bend, adjust and capitalize on mistakes if you’re going to have a shot at this thing.

Step 3) Mix in the sugar. Yeah, I get that a cup of sugar is a lot. The rest of you are going to gain weight during this time of isolation. I have exercise equipment in my home that has never been used to hang laundry. I will be fine. I don’t give a shit what spoon you use, just get the job done.

Step 4) Crack an egg and mix it in. Most of you unskilled assholes are so useless you’ll probably need to do this over another cup or bowl because otherwise you’ll get shell in your mix. Maybe you should set the cellphone/laptop/controller down over the next few weeks and actually learn something for once. You’re an adult, you should be worried about how much money you owe for rent to your landlord rather than to Tom Nook.


Seriously.

Step 5) Scoop out your cookies on your preferred baking sheet or pan. I aim for a hearty spoonful per cookies. Be careful about your spacing, these cookies expand like the Icons seeking attention. Does senile old Jack even know I'm in this match? Does he want me to hurt him agian?

Step 6) This is where you add your chocolate of choice. Some people use little Hershey bar squares, I use Hershey kisses. One kiss per cookie, right in the center. If you’d like to be pointlessly fancy like Cross Recoba, you can fold your peanut butter over the chocolate and do the classic fork trick. Imprint each cookie with your fork and drag it, then repeat in a different direction. They’re still peanut butter and chocolate cookies, but some people give way too much of a shit about appearances, so there you go.

Step 6) Throw them in the oven and cook for 5-8 minutes. I shoot for five minutes. I like ‘em soft like anyone who bitches about not being mentioned in this blog.

Step 7) Pull ‘em out like you’re trying real hard not to bring another Psychotic Goth into this world, and set somewhere they can cool. Don’t go this far in the process and be a dumbass by burning your mouth on these. You have all the time in the world, you can wait a few minutes for these to cool. Your finished result should look something like this:

I’d show you my own kitchen, but I'm currently waiting in a hotel in London to kick 110% Syberus' ass, win the International Championship, and get the fuck out of England. So bite me, or these cookies.

And that’s it. The kids will hopefully shut up and you’ll have a few minutes of peace. If you’re like me and like to eat with some entertainment, why not check out the first Card vs. Caffrey match? You can click here and watch it because The Network has made it available for free, and let me tell ya, just like the Rumble: The Best wins.