XHF NETWORK AND CAR PRESENT: SIPPY CUP AT END OF DAYS WEEK 3
Oct 11, 2020 16:59:03 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 7 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Oct 11, 2020 16:59:03 GMT -5
The black screen breaks with the strike of a match. A woman's face appears from the darkness illuminated only by the single match. Scariest of all, she isn't wearing a mask.
The XHF Network, in association with Competitive Automotive Racing, Proudly Presents: End of Days Week 3
Date: October 11th, 2020
Bangla Boxing Stadium in Phuket, Patong, Thailand
Capacity: 1500
Attendance: 500 (Masks required)
愛こそはね 目に見えない幻想
愛あるなら 全て曝け出して
愛してると 胸に刻み込んで
捧げる
never ever
"Choose Me" plays into the arena as a Japanese brunettes appears on stage. She merely glances towards the crowd tonight before looking at the ring, nodding once and begins heading down the ramp way.
By the time they've been announced Rin rolls into the ring, an poses in the center of it. Rin has her right fist out towards the crowd and her left on her right breast.
Britney: Previously, Rin won an exploding baseball bat death match beating Guillotina with a sword. It will be fun to see what happens in today's weaponless match.
The drum fill followed by the opening guitar riff for the title track off the fourth studio album by Canadian punk band Sum 41 begins to blare on the arena PA system. The fans begin to cheer as the lights go dark and a single spotlight appears on the ramp.
One, two, three, four
The rest of the band joins the guitar as Adam Sanders emerges behind the curtain. The fans give the Awkward One loud cheers as the spotlight follows his trek towards the ring.
Well, I won’t be caught living in a dead end job
While praying to my government guns and gods
Now it’s us against them, we’re here to represent
And spit right in the face of the establishment!
Sanders walks up the stairs, walks down the apron a bit and puts both arms in the air. The fans continue to give loud cheers for the WCG competitor as he steps enters the ring.
Well because we're doing fine, and we don't need to be told
That we're doing fine, 'cause we won't give you control.
And we don't need anything from you,
'Cause we'll be just fine, and we won't be bought and sold, just like you
He holds her leg as she flops lifeless to the mat and pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Britney: The winner of this match, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days tournament is The Awkward One, Adam Sanders.
As wrestlers are cleared from the ring, two men in coconut bikinis grab large sheets of metal and begin covering areas of the ring leaving furniture sized holes in the coverage.
Britney: This next match is based on childhood game. The floor is lava.
The men each grab a side of a sofa and hoist it into the ring. Next they each grab an arm chair and move towards the ring. After that comes a few beds, for maximum jumping efficiency.
Abby: The Floor is Lava is a kids game where the goal is to move from location to location without letting any part of your body touch the ground. The ground is imagined to be lava.
As finishing touches, they place a coffee table in the middle. The two men exit the ring and begin connecting the metal plates to wires.
Britney: For this match, their out when both feet or their back touches the 'lava'. And to help with our wrestlers imagination, we've placed a metal top over sections of the wrestling ring and will heat them to 100 degrees Fahrenheit or a little over 37 degrees Celsius. Looks like we are ready to bring out the talent!
Abby:The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a quarter-finals match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, hailing from Scottsdale, Arizona. Representing AWF, DAKOTA JENNINGS!
As the word “Firecracker” appears on the large screen, red and green laser lights spin around the arena as Lzzy Hale begins to sing the opening to the song. Then the word fades and is replaced by the name “Dakota” as the redhead makes her way out to the stage area, a look of sheer scorn etched across her beautiful features. She looks out around the crowd and turns her nose up at them before making her way down the aisle.
Reaching the ring, she confidently strides up the steps before stepping under the second rope before climbing up one of the turnbuckles, flipping the bird to the fans as they boo and jeer in earnest.
Abby: And her opponent, hailing from Saint Louis, Missouri. Representing GUNS, JAMES MUELLER!
The opening notes of “On GP” by Death Grips begins to play over the arena speakers as television static fades in on the video feeds over the stage. As the beat picks up, flashes of James Mueller hitting opponents with fist strikes, stomps on hands, wrestling moves, and weapons change can be seen throughout the video, along with “GUNS” and “JAMES MUELLER” as text flash through as well. As the vocals kick in around :22 seconds, James Mueller emerges from the back and rolls into the ring.
[DING DING! DING DING!]
The referee takes a quick second to explain the rules of the match. Dakota nods and bounces on the beds in her corner. Mueller, however, is not having any of that! He climbs up on the ring post and shouts how he won't be falling into the lava. The referee looks at Dakota, who shrugs. He then steps out of the way and out of the ring, flipping a switch that turns on the heated ring mat and ropes. Within seconds, the area heats up super hot and the match can officially commence! Dakota bounces from one couch to another to get to Mueller's corner, who shrieks and dropkicks her back when she gets closer! She bounces back, landing rather violently on a bed. She bounces, and one foot dangles off almost on the floor.
Britney: Good save by Dakota. This would have been a very short match otherwise.
Mueller, seeing the opportunity at hand, jumps off for a leapfrog onto her! He misses and belly flops on a bed! But he's able to bounce up, and eat a heel kick right to the face! He falls over, his torso dangling precariously! He screams and twists to get himself away from the "lava." His hand even touches it, for a quick burn... but he's not dead. He's not even hurt. He thinks he really needs to lay off the drugs. He won't. He turns to Dakota, a smirk on his face as he lunges at her! She ducks under his arm for a clothesline, springing back up and being german suplexed off the couch! She lands on the arm chair, almost rolling back and out of the ring! She recovers, and uses the momentum of the rocking to spring forward for a big punch to level him!
Abby: A German suplex could easily result in a victory here today.
Mueller falls back again, in a drugged stupor he spins around and cartwheels across the ground to the coffee table!
Britney: one hand then the other touched the lava and I'm being told that is legal however I'm not sure how he can stand touching the hot plates for even that long.
Abby: Opioids have a very real effect on nociception.
He leaps off the coffee table to a bed, to then "springboard" for a clothesline, ala the CM Punk top rope one! He knocks over Dakota and lifts her back to her feet, before planting her with a package piledriver! He tries to push her off the couch, but she resists! She holds onto his legs, never letting go! He responds by grabbing her left arm, twisting in behind her back in a type of dis-arm-her hold, but then he grabs a finger and shooshes the crowd...
Britney: That sounded painful! My finger hurts in smypathy.
Dakota rolls away holding her hand in pain! Mueller cracks his neck and helps her to her feet again. This time, he kicks her in the stomach and raises her in a vertical suplex position. MUELLER HAS DAKOTA UP IN THE AIR! TIME FOR THE CULT OF PERSONALITY! HE LIFTS HER LIKE UNCLE GOLDBERG DID HIS JACKHAMMERS, BUT DAKOTA KNEES HIM ON THE HEAD! HE LETS HER GO AND STUMBLES FOR A MOMENT! AND DAKOTA LEANS BACK... DKO MK 1! SHE SUPERKICKS HIM OFF THE ARMCHAIR! HE FALLS BACK ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE! IT BREAKS! HE FALLS THROUGH AND ONTO THE FLOOR! HIS SHRILL SCREAMS ARE HEARD AS THE BELL RINGS!
[DING DING! DING DING!]
Abby: Per the match win conditions, Mueller has been elminiated!
Britney: The winner of this match, and advancing to the semi-finals of the End of Days tournament, DAKOTA JENNINGS!
As Mueller continues to stop, drop and roll, Dakota raises her hand in victory before holding it back to her chest. She might have broken fingers. But she won't worry about that now, because now it's time to celebrate!
The scene shifts to an underground swimming pool with lines of different colored light shinning throughout the water. Some of the light beams move and it becomes apparent all beams are attached to the heads of sharks. A blond woman stands in water a little over her chest and holds one of the light brown sharks in her arms.
Britney: The nurse sharks featured in today's event were not harmed and were not wild born. These animals were safely transported here from the US and will be brought back to the US research location at the end of this event. The laser pointers were super glued to their heads about an hour after a large feeding and will fall off on their own eventually. We do not recommend handling sharks as shown by my cousin.
Abby carefully releases the shark and it slowly sinks to the pool as it swims away.
Abby: THE nurse shark, Ginglymostoma cirratum, is not endangered and should not be confused with its endangered cousin the grey nurse shark, also referred to as the sand tiger shark or Carcharias taurus.
Britney: I am so Jelly. Not enough to get on an airplane but still. To be able to hug a shark.
Abby: Nurse sharks are one of the few sharks that can breath while not moving and are known to remain motionless at the bottom of the ocean for hours.
Britney: Let's hope which ever wrestlers are yeeted into the Shark Tank don't step on them and force them to defend themselves! Speaking of, here they come now!
Before a mass of lighters can be produced, purple and white spotlights playfully search through the audience, darting around to The Hives' "Tick Tick Boom" pumping over the loud speakers while whipping the audience into a frenzy. The purple lights are designed to look like butterflies, seemingly fluttering away from the more intense white glows in pursuit.
As chants go up throughout the audience. The purple spotlights also dance about the shark's cave and convert on the entrance curtains.
When these lights align, Anthony Caffrey and Radu Matei push through in unison. The thunderous ovation in the main area is drowned out by a cavalcade of fireworks around the screen. The amount of blue and red sparks flying through the air might colour the arena in enough mauve light to make you miss the Purple Emperor’s matching tights, but as both men strike poses on opposite sides of the entrance ramp, there is little doubt that they are on the same page.
They cross the narrow bridge from the platform to the ring, glancing down at the small nurse sharks in the water below.
“All We Do is Win” by DJ Khaled begins playing as Ethan Mills runs out from the back. He dances on the entrance stage while “the Iron Bear” Joe Ghaven and Gorden Carlson walk out from the back. Joe shaking his head at the choice of music by his manager.
Britney: Their competitors the team made of The Iron Bear and Gorden Carlson.
Abby: This match is won when one person from one team is sent into the water with the nurse sharks with the laser pointers on their heads for the count of ten.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR SEMIFINAL MATCH
Swimming With the Sharks Match
Gordon Carlson and "Iron Bear" Joe Ghaven vs. Purple Emperors
Joe and Anthony go to the center of the ring and begin circling around one another while looking for an angle of which to strike. Anthony lunges in, reaching for a leg, but Joe uses a hammerfist to club Anthony in the top of the head. Anthony’s eyes go cross for a moment from the power of the blow and he staggers backwards a few steps.
Joe takes another heavy swing at Anthony, but he dodges to the side. He connects with an elbow strike to the jaw that turns Joe’s head to the side. He jumps up to connect with another elbow strike.
Anthony goes running to the ropes and comes back, aiming for his Closing Remarks elbow strike to finish this match already. Instead of connecting with his elbow, Joe connects with a boot to the head that sends Anthony to the mat.
Anthony lunges up slamming his elbow into Joe Ghaven’s right knee in a move that causes the big man to stagger and almost fall. Caffrey rises up, striking Joe in the midsection with his elbow and then his knee when Joe doubles over. Anthony grabs Joe by the shoulders and hits several knee lifts to the head before whipping him into the corner. Anthony follows with a head full of steam to hit an elbow to the side of the head, but Joe lunges out of the corner to catch Anthony by the face with a brain claw, lifts him up into the air by his face, and hurls him across the ring like he were a shotput. Anthony rolls head over heels until he slams into the corner.
His own corner.
Anthony Caffrey stands up and tags in Radu Matei with a smirk. Radu hops over the ropes and comes at Joe, jumping up, and hitting an eye gouge. Radu grabs Joe by the arm and sinks in his teeth!
Joe roars in anger and pain, clubbing Radu on the head with his fist. It drives the teeth in deeper for a moment, but also stuns Deathless. Joe grabs Radu by the hair on the back of his head, pulling his mouth away from Joe, and delivers a thunderous headbutt that sends Radu straight to the mat.
Joe picks Radu up into a power bomb position and hurls him from the ring and into the drink with the sharks.
The sharks generally keep to themselves, though Radu is lt up by the occasional laser pointer. The splash into the cold water actually revives him and he makes it back into the ring by the four count. Joe tags in Gordon while watching Radu get back into the ring.
Gordon crosses the ring quickly to get a hold of Radu with a side headlock. He cranks on Radu’s head for a moment before hitting a headlock driver to the mat.
Britney: As I understand it, Radu normally drops people on their head. Certain irony in it happening to him.
Gordon pulls the wet Radu up and goes to the ring ropes while holding him to throw him over, but Radu grabs the top rope. He swings over the ropes and back in to hit both knees to the gut of Gordon to double him over.
Radu gets back into the ring, grabs Gordon, and hits a bulldog! He pulls Gordon up, runs with him, and sends him sailing over the top rope and into the drink!
Gordon Carlson only spends to the count of five in the water with the sharks before rolling in under the bottom rope and back into the ring. Radu gets Gordon up, whips him into the ropes (where Gordon tags in Joe) and makes a rebound where Radu hits a hangman onto the second rope!
Radu rolls Gordon out of the ring into the water when Caffrey signals to him to look behind him. Radu turns around to be seized by the throat by the new legal man in the ring in the form of Joe Ghaven. Joe hefts him up and brings him down with a choke slam! Ethan Mills crosses the bridge from ring aisle to the ring apron. He skips from side to side on the ring apron.
Mills: Throw the fucker out! Win it! Win it!
Gordon Carlson gets back up onto the ring apron in his corner. He glares at Ethan Mills, who quiets down.
Joe grabs Radu up by the sides of the head, brings his head back, and headbutts Radu right in the nose with a loud crack and a spurt of blood from Radu.
Radu staggers backwards a few steps, blood flowing freely from his nose.
Joe goes to grab Radu, but gets blood spit into his eyes to blind him. Radu begins a series of lightning fast strikes, punches, and kicks so fast that he seems like a blur of motion. When he has struck Joe one hundred times, he backs away. Joe Ghaven drops to his knees and then onto his face!
Radu drops back and tags in Caffrey, who steps into the ring. He begins slapping Joe Ghaven to try to wake him up. He looks to Radu on the ring apron with a WTF look. Ethan Mills laughs while on the ring apron.
Mills: Ha ha! You can’t win now! You can’t lift him when he’s awake, much le-
Anthony Caffrey runs across the ring, knocking Ethan in the jaw with an elbow hard enough to send him from the ring apron and into the drink with the sharks! The crowd cheer the slimy manager being taught a lesson, though as Caffrey looks down to see the frightened Ethan trying to avoid the sharks, a laser pointer catches him right in the eye!
Anthony Caffrey clutches at his eye, backing away from the side of the ring until he trips over the downed Joe Ghaven. He closes the affected eye, gathers himself up, and grabs Joe by the foot. He begins twisting Joe’s foot, which quickly wakes Joe up as he begins to tap.
Caffrey releases the ankle lock. Ethan crawls up onto the bridge between the aisle and the ring, screaming in terror as a nurse shark bumps into his leg. Joe Ghaven begins to stand up as Caffrey tags Radu back in. They both seize Joe under the arms, run him across the ring, and send him over the top rope and into the water!
Britney: Hopefully this match has highlighted that sharks will not swarm at the first drop of blood and that when they bite it is often the human's fault for stepping on them. The winners and advancing to the Tag Team Annihilator Finals ... THE PURPLE EMPERORS!
Anthony Caffrey and Radu Matei celebrate their win in the ring while the fans in the area yell and shoot off poppers.
Within the announcer’s booth, two people sit bathed in a flickering yellow and orange light flowing in from the windows and wearing original Power Rangers masks. The woman in the red mask is the first to speak.
Mary: Welcome, one and all to the first Sippy Cup!! We at CAR are so very excited to be able to announce the Sippy Cup live on location from The Hot Seat Announcer's Booth above the Ring of Fire! Joining me today is Mr. Grimly Trudgenutts the former Uranium Prospector and PlayGirl model. Mr. Tudgenutts what have you been up to recently?
The man in the pink Power Rangers mask with long, curly, grizzled hair sticking out from the bottom responds.
Grimly: I was just scratching my -- oh! You mean, uh… Yeah, I got a great steady gig as a bouncer at an orgy club in Tehran. And, uh…. Can I have a different mask? I mean, how’d I get stuck with pink?
Mary: The pink is nice. It matches your eyes.
Grimly: And couldn’t they get us better masks?
Mary: Well, as you know, Mongo has reached deep into his wallet to make this the greatest Sippy Cup ever. He’s put a ton of money into a brand new, top of the line wrestling ring, with all the latest features, like the sky diving fans around the outside of the first match and the ring buckles for the coronation match are solid gold.
Grimly: And so we are sitting here literally on top of the fire pit because he ran out of money?
Mary: No, he said it had to do with something recouping costs after importing the sharks.
Grimly: Oh. Okay. That makes sense. I mean, not to me? But -- and it is already getting really freaking hot in here.
Mary: And here comes the first crew to qualify for the Sippy Cup.
Grimly: That’s a very sharp truck -- reminds me of this Polish tequila I used to... wonder if I brought some? I’m getting thirsty...
Mary: The Angry Mad Chemists started strong this session but then they introduced the Doof Fluff and it has prevented us from seeing who finishes the race on multiple occasions. That we are underground means they can’t use it and I have to say…
A whirl can be heard in the background as though a device had been turned on.
Grimly: Ouch.
Mary: It has been a wonderful addition to the racing season. They really are a talented group of scientists and I am looking forward to seeing how they do in this race.
Grimly: Do you have a cushion? My butt hurts….
Mary: I thought these were padded seats but perhaps the heat shielding isn’t as good as I thought. I think I’m getting a hot flash.
Grimly: That cheap bastard Mongo probably put in Chinese drywall for heat shields. That would explain it. Hey! What the hell is that thing?
An old VW bug with a large protrusion with a mushroom shaped top strapped on the hood drives up to the starting line.
Mary: That is Don't touch my junk Racin'.
Grimly: They got nothing to worry about. I’m not touching THAT!
Zooming in behind the Junk mobile, is a low and slip white race car.
Mary: And here comes Mach Go~Go~Go~Go~Go~!
Grimly: I think I’m getting a flashback from the brown acid I took at Woodstock. Is that car really -- ?
Mary: fast?
Grimly: I was gonna say melting? So it is the brown acid….
Mary: I think that’s the shimmer from our hot seat. And speaking of hot stuff, here comes Mother. The Car. They have been ghosting through several races recently and I hope they can show a little spirit this race.
Grimly: The driver, Bogdan Thomas, looks kind of haunted. Maybe I should take him some of my Polish tequila. Scare the demons right out.
Mary: Speaking of demons, our next group has been driving like a bat out of Hell.
Grimly: Wow. I wonder if they’d sell that thing? I could really use it for some of the tailgaters I get on the Freeway.
Mary: the Weapons on The Esoteric Order of Driving, aka EOD, are very powerful! I don’t know that that vehicle is actually street legal.
Grimly: Neither is tailgating...
Blond Forests swings his hips as he approaches the starting line wearing a coconut bikini. He raises a small Derringer pistol.
Mary: Racers, on the line. Get set. And-
The large bang of the pistol echoes in the underground chamber. An enormous jet of multi-colored flames shoots out of the Derringer and fountains into the sky, where it forms the flaming words, GO!!!!! GO!!!!! GO!!!!!!
Mary turns to Grimly as the Vehicles accelerate past the starting line. EoD is in the lead but Mach and Don’t Touch My Junk are quickly gaining on them.
Mary: That little beauty was entirely Forest’s engineering. Very impressive, right?
Grimly: Hell yes. That kid has a future in the hallucination trade.
Mary: Mother. The Car. And the Angry Mad Chemists are already jockeying for position as they race after EoD who was just passed by Mach.
Grimly: Whoa Nellie, they’re headed for that first obstacle -- the mud pit. By the way, you sure that’s mud? There’s a whiff coming off it.
Mach breaks further away and accelerates right into the brown stuff.
Grimly: Guess were about to find out if it’s mud or --
Mary: This obstacle, like the original, doesn’t include any dirt based mud. Instead, we use non-food grade pudding. Forest has rigged up our pudding cannons to be a part of the internet of everything!
And Mach hits the pudding and begins hydroplaning into a tight circle. The other vehicles, upon seeing what happened to Mach, have decided to be more cautious.
Grimly: The what? Internet of -- I mean, is that a thing? Because -- Whoa! Lookit that!
Mary: I see it! EoD has re-taken the lead -- But Don’t Touch My Junk is close behind. And coming up fast we’ve got the Chemists, pressed hard by Mother.
Grimly: And they’re headed right for -- Ka-BOOM! What was that?!
Mary: Forest has pulled out his phone to fire the cannons remotely! And EoD takes a direct hit!
The pudding cannons hit EoD with the chocolate but the EoD holds stoically steady.
As the cannon fires, it makes sounds you can smell just from hearing it. It sounds like someone gave a toddler nothing but bread for a day then prunes for two days. It sounds like the dog ate four sticks of butter. It sounds like ‘digestive upset’.
Grimly: Man o’ man-ashevitz! Sounds like the Vienna Boys Choir after a pork and beans orgy.
The pubbing cannons next target Mother but the pudding seems to go right through the car and hit Don’t Touch My Junk who can’t handle all that brown stuff on their shaft.
Grimly: Umm…. If I really just saw that? I think that car is haunted.
Mary: Don’t be silly. There’s no way we wouldn’t have noticed that sooner. And it looks like Don’t Touch My Junk is playing bumper cars with the cave walls as Mach regains control of their car and is back in the race.
EoD, Mother, & the Chemists are heading for the Living wall with March speeding to catch up. Don’t Touch My Junk is exiting the pudding pit and racing after them.
Grimly: Hot diggity, now we’re gonna see something! EoD, the Chemists, and that haunted bastard are headed right at the Living Wall! Fire up them shain saws, baby!
The sound of a chainsaw roars to life. Followed by a second. Another chainsaw joins the choir, and another. Soon the chainsaws are louder than the vehicles racing towards them.
Mary: Hear that? That’s our improvement to the previous issue with the living wall!
Grimly: Now THAT’S an upgrade! But hey -- is that passage getting smaller or is it just me? I mean, I don’t mean I’m getting smaller. I mean --
Mary: Yes, I get it. Like I said, we improved it. And now EoD has entered the Living Wall’s tunnel of Love! With Chainsaws sticking out at odd intervals. Can they make it through?
Grimly: I’m kinda hoping for some carnage? I mean, nothing serious, just a little bit of chainsaw chompin’.
Mother and the Chemists have also entered the chainsaw hall.
Mary: EoD is using their tentacles to move the chainsaws out of their way but this has slowed them down enough that the Chemists are now riding their bumper. Mach is into the Living Wall Chainsaw tunnel and is quickly dodging between the chainsaws.
Grimly: Hot Damn, Mother can’t possibly dodge that saw. She’s going to -- What? I think -- I mean, it looked like she just phased right through it!
Mary: I didn’t see Mother going through anything solid. But I do see them shooting like a bullet after EoD and the Chemists. Now we are directly on top of the Ring of Fire. And it is indeed on fire. This means we won’t be able to see what happens when they pass directly under us.
Grimly: Aw -- that ain’t right.
The announcers stare in silence for a few moments at where their line of sight returns .
Grimly: Aaaannnd -- Mother comes out of the fire in first place, and then it’s EoD -- Here come the Chemists -- and finally it’s mach, maybe slightly singed? And we missed it.
Mary: The crews are approaching my indoor swimming with the sharks pool. Look at those beautiful nurse sharks not 10 feet under the swinging rope bridge! That 3 meter drop looks like a fun jump.
Grimly: Great way to cool off after the race.
Mary: You go ahead. I might join you later.
The lights from the multi colored laser pointers flash prismatically through the water and up toward the cars.
Grimly: Lookit them multi-colored laser pointers! They’re awful damn pretty for something that can slice through steel.
Mary: It’s Mother, EoD, the Chemists, and Mach on the bridge. Once they get to the other side, the race ends. EoD is using their tentacles to pick up the Chemists and Mother. Mother and the Chemists are raised almost even with EoD. EoD must be preparing to fling them now. And Don’t Touch My Junk rams into one of the bridge support beams with their battering ram.
The racers on the bridge quickly scurry across the finish line as glitter cannons shoot glitter straight up. Both the bridge and the Junk Mobile fall into the shark infested water below.
Grimly: Don’t Touch My Junk is in with the sharks! Serves ‘em right for that disgusting ram. And looky there! The race is OVER!! Uh -- did anybody win or anything?
Mary: It’s very close. But we’ve thought ahead. I’ll pull up the laser pointer photo finish.
The glass in front of the announcer booth goes opaque and brings up a photo showing EoD’s tentacles lifting Mother and the Chemists above and almost even with them.
Grimly: Hey, nice shot. Did you take that? The composition is really very balanced, and -- Oh! Right! It looks to me like the winner. Of the coveted Sippy Cup. IS……. Mother -- The -- CAR!!! Hooo-WHEE! That’s one speedy mother….
Mary: And right behind Mother for second place -- THE… Angry Mad Chemists!
Grimly: Yeah, remember -- you’re not second place: You’re first Loser!
Mary: Third place goes to EoD.
Grimly: Really nice try, guys. I mean…. Not really.
Mary: And closing out the field is Mach.
Grimly: Except for those obscene geeks in Don’t Touch My Junk who kind of got the shaft. I mean, if there’s such a thing as a shark shaft?
Short Forrest, wearing the same coconut bikini as his blond friend, smiles as he hands a bouquet of flowers and the Sippy Cup Trophy to Bogdan Tomas as glitter continues to rain down around them.
Back in the main ring, the party is winding down as a blond coconut bikini clad man begins placing one pie on tall tables next to the ropes at each corner.
Britney: This match is one I am really looking forward to! The win condition is simple: one pie to the face and you're eliminated from the ring. It doesn't matter which pie, who sent it, or how it got you in the face. One pie, one face, one out.
Abby: There are a variety of pies and even more recipes available. As one pie is taken from a corner, it will be replaced with a new, different type of pie. Types include: Apple, Boston Creme, Pumpkin, Vanilla Creme, Blueberry Lemon Poppy Seed, Shepherd's pie, Chess Pie, & many more.
Britney: Hopefully no one tries to have sex with the pies. Oh here come the wrestlers!
"Turbo Killer" by Carpenter Brut begins to play and the lights in the arena are snuffed out. Red lights on the stage blink on and off, on and off, showing the outline of three figures that make their way out from behind the curtains.
As the music picks up, the red lights start to blink more rapidly, and eventually the arena lights come back to life. Who are the three mystery men? The ReVenants! Neo Carner, Rob Garcia, and Keith Williams! Rob is posed in the middle of the three, back to the camera with his arms and clenched fists out to the side of his body, while the other two are leaned over towards him and both pointing at Rob with their two index fingers. Garcia spins around, a big grin on his face as he points to his two partners in crime. The Big Bad Wolves bump fists, immediately drawing back to pose some more, taking in the reaction of the crowd. Some people love it, but most people seem to hate it and the obvious nature of their super cockiness.
The ReVenants make their way down to the ring, taunting the fans as they go and being especially generous with the middle fingers. Upon reaching ringside, Keith does his usual groin thrusting of the bottom rope and mustache stroking. Rob fakes out any fan foolish enough to think they can touch him or go for a high five, all the while laughing the entire time in their face. Neo enters the ring, grasping the top rope and pulling back on it, releasing it only to flex his muscles for the enjoyment of... Everyone! Keith and Rob join him, the three posing together in the middle of the ring. To really make it feel special, several streams of red pyro go off behind them as they all stop posing now, taking to their corner and joking around with one another.[/div]
DT and MD would hit the ropes! Rebounding off of them and charging through the middle ropes with a double TOPE-SUICIDA to the ReVenants ringside! The Thai crowd popped at the spectacle! DT and MD both respectively grabbed the heads of their opponents, with DT rolling Williams back into the ring and MD throwing Carner into the barricade with a hefty thud!
Britney: That could have been our first elimination and the fans agree with me!
Mistress Discipline would be having none of it, charging over to the ReVenants and missile dropkicking them both into the barricade! From there she would grab Williams and roll him back into the ring, before scaling the apron to her corner and tagging in! TAG! DT would grab a hold of William's ankle, lifting it up into an ankle lock as MD, the legal teammate, grabbed a pie!
MD would drop to a knee and go to splat it into a prone William's face! But Williams would power out of the hold, throwing his leg down and sending DT flying forward... AND INTO THE PIE-- NO! MD would only just move her hand back in time to stop an elimination of her own tag team partner! DT would be eyes wide, afraid of the dreaded cream that barely grazed his nose! Williams would fall back into his corner and tag in Carner, who handed his partner a pie!
Britney: Williams is down but will he be pied?
MD would guide Williams back to his feet before rolling him up into a cradle and applying the REFERRAL! That devastating Muta Lock! Both of the ReVenants would be in precarious situations! Both in deadly submissions in the middle of the ring! The crowd would clap as they writhed in pain! --Williams would spot the pie that still remained in the middle of the ring, eyeing up Carner before only just grabbing it and launching it behind him blindly - aiming for DT's face! A loud splat would be heard...
The camera would pan backwards to reveal the pie on DT's chest! His eyes wide! And there, right on his chin, would be tiniest amount of pear pie!
DT would wipe whatever was left of the pear pie from off of his chest and wait for MD to get back to her feet - signaling to get the special, homemade chocolate cream pies that were hid under the ring! She would do so, holding hers in her hands with pride as DT joined her ringside with his.
Britney: What do you supose is special about those pies? CAR has provided a number of pies in each corner.
Britney: Good catch!
Britney: Mistress Discipline is the first to be eliminated! This was by way of chocolate cream pie!
DT would give her a really sympathetic, apologetic look - "OOOOH! Sorry--" but before he could say anything else he had to duck under a pie clothesline attempt from Carner! He swivelled around and nailed a discus punch to the pie that went flying behind Carner and smacked Williams right on the bridge of the nose! HE WAS ELIMINATED!
Britney: Keith Williams is the second to be eliminated! This time by way of blackberry pie!
DT would take advantage of a shocked Carner and apply a reverse choke hold! Williams was pissed! He would lick the pie off of his mouth before charging at DT - but MD, chocolate cream and all, would nail the... FINAL BELL! (Bicycle Knee Strike) - sending an eliminated Williams to the mat! The ref would be distracted by this illegal fighting and Carner would take advantage with a reverse kick to DT's crown jewels! He would grab him by his head and chuck him back into the ring before picking up another pie and scaling the apron - climbing the top rope!
Britney: Next elimination ends the match! Who will it be?
Mistress Discipline banged the apron as Carner faded, trying his best to fight back - but it was all too much, the Death Trap by Death Trap soon made him pass out! DT would notice his limp opponent and release the hold, Carner's face dropping forwards into the mat, and subsequently, into the raspberry pie! HE WAS FINALLY ELIMINATED!
Britney: Neo James Carner has been eliminated by way of raspberry pie - meaning your winners, and advancing to the finals of the Tag Team Annhilator... Death Trap and Mistress Discipline... TOP OF THE CLASS!
Britney: This was a strong showing by both teams! Good job y'all!
The remnants of pies are swept and mopped off the ring to prepare it for the next match.
Britney: The oil and feathers match is CAR take on tar and feathers.
Two bikini clad men hoist cardboard boxes of white feathers up ladders to empty them into troughs suspended above the ring.
Abby: Tar and feathering is another American past time but from a time period well before the founding of the country.
Britney: Yes, but the sticky people are lots easier to wrestle to the ground. Cover them in oil, and it becomes more difficult.
Abby: Lubricants are essential in modern life. The thickness of the oil determines its coefficient of friction or the amount of the force required to move sliding surfaces over each other compared to the amount of force holding them.
Britney: Here's hoping no one slips and falls because here come the wrestlers!
Nathan Parker only gets halfway down to the ring before an angry looking Pat the Postman comes running out from the back. He grabs Nathan by the shoulder and spins him around, blasting him in the face with a fist.
Nathan blasts Pat the Postman in the gut with a pair of brass knuckles, doubling the large man over.
Parker: You shoulda stayed down, Pat. This isn’t your fight anymore!
Pat furiously knocks the brass knuckles from Nathan’s hand, picks him up into a press slam position, and drops his face across the security railing! Nathan lies on the floor, blood streaming from an unseen wound on his face as he lies face down on the aisle.
When Pat sees that Nathan is no longer a threat, he makes his way down to the ring. EMTs work their way down to the fallen Nathan to get him checked on and taken to the back.
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
Shoving through the back curtains is everyone's favourite teenage hispanic babyface, who is actually an elderly Eastern European monster in sheep's clothing. The reaction for Zoran Sainovic is about what you'd expect, given how many people in attendance were glad he died. As the crowd pelts him with garbage, The Final Boss moves down the aisle in sync with the tunes. Beer splashes his Armani suit, but Sainovic doesn't care. He has money to burn. The swagger is very real.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Entering the ring, Sainovic is immediately patted down by the referee, searching for an arsenal of weapons. Zoran takes this opportunity to plant weapons on the referee, while turning to the closest camera with a sadistic grin.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
Pat the Postman and Zoran Sainovic stand in opposite corners with their arms out as coconut bikini clad men come into the ring with spray bottles. They begin spraying the wrestlers down with a combination of baby oil and extra virgin olive oil. Really just makes Zoran’s suit wet and Pat’s muppet costume looks like it gains several pounds from being wet down. The bikini men leave the ring as the bell sounds to start the match.
END OF DAYS TOURNAMENT ROUND TWO MATCH
Oil and Feathers Match
Pat the Postman vs. "Niño Huracán" Pepe Morales (totally not Zoran Sainovic)
Zoran crosses the ring and drills Pat in the midsection and chest with punches, each blow taking a toll on the larger man as he doubles over in pain. He nails an uppercut that straightens Pat up before straight punching him in the junk!
Pat goes to grab Zoran, but his fingers slip off of the suit. Zoran starts to stand up, but Pat steps back a step, and kicks him in the face to send him right back to the mat! Zoran gets to his hands and knees, Pat jumps into the air and hits a curb stomp to send Zoran’s face into the mat. Zoran’s nose crunches with a splatter of blood!
Pat pulls Zoran up and hurls him into the corner. He follows with a leaping avalanche, but Zoran snakes out of the way to let Pat crash into the corner. Zoran spins Pat around and hammers him with punches with those gloves that have the brass knuckles hidden within.
Zoran grabs Pat by the top of the head, hitting several knee lifts. He pulls Pat up and motions that he’s going to go for a bodyslam! He kicks Pat behind the knees instead to bring him to his knees and then applies a sleeper hold while sneaking in a rag with chloroform.
Pat the Postman only takes a few seconds before he stands up with Zoran hanging on for dear life with the hold. Pat throws himself backward into the corner to squish Zoran between himself and the corner. This breaks the sleeper hold and the ref grabs away the rag to throw it from the ring.
Zoran runs across the ring and grabs Pat by the arm and tries to whip him across the ring to the ropes, but his hands slip right off Pat’s arm. Pat elbows Zoran in the eye and goes to grab him for a DDT, but Zoran slips right out of his grasp.
Zoran goes to the ref, pointing at his eye where it has already begun to bruise to complain how Pat poked him in the eye. He doesn’t get much sympathy from the ref, but quickly lunges at the ref, and takes him with a hug!
Pat pulls Zoran off of the ref, but doesn’t see that Zoran has grabbed something out of the ref’s pocket. Pat whips Zoran into the ropes. On the rebound, Zoran ducks under a clothesline attempt. He puts on the brakes as Pat turns around and stabs him in the ribcage!
Pat backs away slowly from Zoran, who quickly tosses the small weapon from the ring while the ref’s attention is on Pat. A red splotch appears on Pat’s postman uniform, spreading rather quickly. Pat puts his hand on the wound, blood streaming through his fingers.
Zoran grabs the wounded Pat and applies an abdominal stretch while using the ropes to assist his leverage. Pat yelps in pain, blood pouring from his stab wound as Zoran stretches him.
The referee checks to see if Pat will submit, but then notices the rope usage and makes Zoran break the hold. Pat hits a back elbow, grabbing Zoran, and hitting a hip toss to send Zoran toward the middle of the ring.
Pat walks to the center of the ring, pulling Zoran to his feet, but Zoran hits a knee lift to the crotch before dropping Pat with a DDT. Zoran jumps to his feet, pulls out a flask, and dumps it onto Pat’s face! The ref quickly takes the flask and throws it from the ring.
Pat stands up, but is grabbed by Zoran, who goes for an Irish whip. Pat reverses the Irish whip, but Zoran goes straight into the referee, knocking him out.
Pat the Postman screams as his head is lit on fire. He tugs at the muppet mask, ripping it off, and casting it across the ring. He is wearing a smaller muppet mask underneath. The gloves quickly follow. He turns and looks at Zoran, steaming mad.
He runs at Zoran, who decks him in the mouth with his brass knuckle enhanced fist. Blood and spittle spray from Pat’s real mouth as he staggers backwards and falls to the mat.
Zoran leaps upon the downed Pat, applying a twisting clawhold to the stab wound, bringing out a stream of fresh blood from the wound.
Brittney: Welcome to End of Days Week Three! I am Brittney, one of your two ring announcers. We will be Zooming to my cousin Abby on location in Phuket, Thailand where we have four single wrestling matches, and two Tag Team matches. The CAR Sippy Cup will be announced by my Memaw and our Guest Judge, Grimly Trudgenutts, the infamous former Uranium Prospector and Playgirl model. Now we go to-OW, Hot!
The match flickers out and the screen goes dark.
The XHF Network, in association with Competitive Automotive Racing, Proudly Presents: End of Days Week 3
Date: October 11th, 2020
Bangla Boxing Stadium in Phuket, Patong, Thailand
Capacity: 1500
Attendance: 500 (Masks required)
The main potion of the screen shows a beautiful sunset behind the Bangla Boxing Stadium in Phuket, Patong, Thailand. The camera rises and slowly flies across the parking area.
A small box in the upper left corner of the screen pops up with Britney, now wearing a head band with little brown ears on top and lit from the side by a jack-o-lantern.
Britney: For our first match tonight, CAR brought super fans ringside to blow away the crowd!
The screen fads to black and reopens with the ring in the center surrounded by giant wind tunnel fans with grates on top. Standing to one side and holding a microphone is Abby wearing a white polar bear ears headband.
Abby: The ropes around the ring have been replaced with air moving in excess of 120mph or 195km/h.
Britney: All high flying moves will feature actual flying. It's going to be awesome!
Abby: Each wrestler must enter the ring through the use of 'bodyflight'.
Britney: Which is why they are wrestling in those fancy body suits. Here they come now!
A small box in the upper left corner of the screen pops up with Britney, now wearing a head band with little brown ears on top and lit from the side by a jack-o-lantern.
Britney: For our first match tonight, CAR brought super fans ringside to blow away the crowd!
The screen fads to black and reopens with the ring in the center surrounded by giant wind tunnel fans with grates on top. Standing to one side and holding a microphone is Abby wearing a white polar bear ears headband.
Abby: The ropes around the ring have been replaced with air moving in excess of 120mph or 195km/h.
Britney: All high flying moves will feature actual flying. It's going to be awesome!
Abby: Each wrestler must enter the ring through the use of 'bodyflight'.
Britney: Which is why they are wrestling in those fancy body suits. Here they come now!
愛こそはね 目に見えない幻想
愛あるなら 全て曝け出して
愛してると 胸に刻み込んで
捧げる
never ever
"Choose Me" plays into the arena as a Japanese brunettes appears on stage. She merely glances towards the crowd tonight before looking at the ring, nodding once and begins heading down the ramp way.
Abby: The following contest a wind tunnel match scheduled for one fall, and is a quarter-finals match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, hailing from Kawasaki, Kanagawa, Japan, Rin Kubo!
By the time they've been announced Rin rolls into the ring, an poses in the center of it. Rin has her right fist out towards the crowd and her left on her right breast.
Britney: Previously, Rin won an exploding baseball bat death match beating Guillotina with a sword. It will be fun to see what happens in today's weaponless match.
The drum fill followed by the opening guitar riff for the title track off the fourth studio album by Canadian punk band Sum 41 begins to blare on the arena PA system. The fans begin to cheer as the lights go dark and a single spotlight appears on the ramp.
One, two, three, four
The rest of the band joins the guitar as Adam Sanders emerges behind the curtain. The fans give the Awkward One loud cheers as the spotlight follows his trek towards the ring.
Well, I won’t be caught living in a dead end job
While praying to my government guns and gods
Now it’s us against them, we’re here to represent
And spit right in the face of the establishment!
Sanders walks up the stairs, walks down the apron a bit and puts both arms in the air. The fans continue to give loud cheers for the WCG competitor as he steps enters the ring.
Well because we're doing fine, and we don't need to be told
That we're doing fine, 'cause we won't give you control.
And we don't need anything from you,
'Cause we'll be just fine, and we won't be bought and sold, just like you
Abby: And introducing her opponent, hailing from Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA, Adam Sanders!
The referee calls for the bell and the two competitors stall for a second as they hear the massive fans turn on beneath them around the ring. Adam looks around to get the feel for the ring but Rin shouts a war cry and charges in. Adam is taken by surprise and she spears him to the mat and begins raining down forearm blows. Adam covers his head and tries to wiggle out from underneath the five foot one inch ball of fury. He gets his foot in and kicks sending her over his head and to the edge of the ring. She spreads her arms to halt herself and instead gets launched into the air. She floats there for a second with a look of shock before she closes her arms slightly and dive bombs Adam from fifteen feet over the ring. He forward rolls out of the way and on the return he clotheslines her to the mat. Adam looks down at the wind generator and extends an arm out feeling the force on the wingsuit. He is clearly trying to judge the lift he will get having seen how much the lighter Rin had gotten. He nods and turns to the crowd cheering, and waves. Rin pulls herself to her feet and the two stand chest to chest.
The referee calls for the bell and the two competitors stall for a second as they hear the massive fans turn on beneath them around the ring. Adam looks around to get the feel for the ring but Rin shouts a war cry and charges in. Adam is taken by surprise and she spears him to the mat and begins raining down forearm blows. Adam covers his head and tries to wiggle out from underneath the five foot one inch ball of fury. He gets his foot in and kicks sending her over his head and to the edge of the ring. She spreads her arms to halt herself and instead gets launched into the air. She floats there for a second with a look of shock before she closes her arms slightly and dive bombs Adam from fifteen feet over the ring. He forward rolls out of the way and on the return he clotheslines her to the mat. Adam looks down at the wind generator and extends an arm out feeling the force on the wingsuit. He is clearly trying to judge the lift he will get having seen how much the lighter Rin had gotten. He nods and turns to the crowd cheering, and waves. Rin pulls herself to her feet and the two stand chest to chest.
Britney: I can't help but feel Rin is getting a rise from this match. Huh, Abby. Get it? Okay, I'll stop.
They grapple and Rin uses her smaller size to get in closer and then shoves the larger man away with a surprising show of strength. Adam stumbles back towards the edge of the apron and Rin hits a front kick to the sternum shouting, “THIS IS THAILAND!” Adam pulls his arms close to his body and he falls below the apron. Rin leans over to see Adam hovering right above the fans, body balled up tight. He opens his legs and left arm and the force takes him with a surprisingly fast uppercut with his right fist to the jaw. Rin flies backwards like she got hit with a falcon PAWNCH and balls up on the mat holding her face in agony.
Abby: They are using basic principles of bodyflight where they are able to affect their movement while airborn by displacing the air pressure; this results in the ability to turn.
Adam hovers about ten feet above the ring. He looks at his fist and shakes it out. He waits for Rin to roll to her back then tucks his limbs and drops into the center of the ring with a huge elbow drop. Rin gasps for air. Adam rolls the legs up.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Rin.
Adam wastes no time stomping on her stomach and then hauling her to her feet. Adam hits a spine buster. He pins again.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Rin.
Britney: Rin looks to be in a bad spot already. Can she make up for this?
Adam seems to be in thought as to what to do. Rin kicks her feet out with an upkick and Adam doubles over holding his gut. Rin sits up and pulls him down with a DDT. She rolls through into a front chancery while sitting on his stomach. She seems to be increasing the torque as she slowly catches her breath and recovers. Adam is struggling but doesn’t seem too in danger of fainting in the simple hold. Adam begins to rock back and forth and eventually gets Rin to stand in a crouch position for stability which allows him to pull his feet out from under her and get to his feet. He then hits a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge.
ONE!
TW-Kickout!
Adam and Rin both get to their feet and Rin is quick to hit a punch to the face. Adam responds with an elbow to the head. Rin fires back by kicking him in the gut. Adam hits a picture perfect dropkick sending her stumbling and landing on her butt in a seated position. Adam charges for a diving elbow but Rin sits up and catches him with the monkey flip. Adam ends up flying into the air as he goes past the edge of the ring in full sprawl. He has to maneuver his body in midair to get facing the ring again. He is just in time for Rin to fly up at him with a flying knee strike.
Britney: Rin's lighter frame is really helpful for these high flying moves!
Rin sails past Adam who is now holding his head and laying back in midair. She tightens her arms and comes crashing into him with a falling double foot stomp to the gut. Adam curls into a ball and falls towards the ring. He somersaults as he gets towards the fans and rolls into the ring. Rin gets more air and shouts a war cry. She dives down again looking for a falling elbow drop. Adam manages to just avoid the elbow and Rin bounces from the force of the fall. She holds her elbow in pain and stands up. She shouts that this is Adam’s fault and kicks him in the ribs. Adam bounces to his knees and she boots him in the back of the head and locks in an STF. Adam howls in pain as she pulls back on his head.
Abby: an STF, Short for Stepover Toehold Facelock, tangles the legs then wrenches back the head of an opponent face down on the ground.
Adam uses all his power to push up on his hands and crawl to the edge of the ring. He pulls them both over the edge where the wind separates them as Rin flies above him. She maneuvers closer to him and the two begin trading in air shots, catching themselves in the air flow between each strike. Elbows and knees and fists are flying. The two separate. They maneuver along the side of the ring in mid-air as the crowd cheers. Rin boots him in the gut and makes a powerbomb maneuver but they are at a corner of the ring and when she turns to slam him into the ring he merely catches the air along the adjacent side of the ring. Adam looks around shocked at his luck and shrugs. He spreads himself out as much as possible but Rin catches him with a headbutt. Adam holds his nose and then hits her into the ring with an air assisted dropkick. Rin uses the wingsuit to slow her fall and is able to roll to her hands and knees. Adam sighs then closes up. He drops like a bullet into the ring with a dropkick right to the face. Both competitors are down from the impact as Adam crash lands on the mat next to Rin who is holding her face in agony.
Britney: That was a brutal move from Adam.
Adam slowly crawls over and drapes an arm on Rin.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-Rin rolls the shoulder.
Adam slowly gets to his feet and looks out at the crowd. He picks up Rin and hits a flurry of heavy elbows to the side of the head. He drags her to the edge of the ring and looks at the crowd. He waves to them as he hooks her. He lifts for a suplex letting the air push her higher and pull him slightly off the mat and comes down with a high impact piledriver spiking her off the mat.
Abby: Adam's finisher This Is Awkward but with air assist.
They grapple and Rin uses her smaller size to get in closer and then shoves the larger man away with a surprising show of strength. Adam stumbles back towards the edge of the apron and Rin hits a front kick to the sternum shouting, “THIS IS THAILAND!” Adam pulls his arms close to his body and he falls below the apron. Rin leans over to see Adam hovering right above the fans, body balled up tight. He opens his legs and left arm and the force takes him with a surprisingly fast uppercut with his right fist to the jaw. Rin flies backwards like she got hit with a falcon PAWNCH and balls up on the mat holding her face in agony.
Abby: They are using basic principles of bodyflight where they are able to affect their movement while airborn by displacing the air pressure; this results in the ability to turn.
Adam hovers about ten feet above the ring. He looks at his fist and shakes it out. He waits for Rin to roll to her back then tucks his limbs and drops into the center of the ring with a huge elbow drop. Rin gasps for air. Adam rolls the legs up.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Rin.
Adam wastes no time stomping on her stomach and then hauling her to her feet. Adam hits a spine buster. He pins again.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout by Rin.
Britney: Rin looks to be in a bad spot already. Can she make up for this?
Adam seems to be in thought as to what to do. Rin kicks her feet out with an upkick and Adam doubles over holding his gut. Rin sits up and pulls him down with a DDT. She rolls through into a front chancery while sitting on his stomach. She seems to be increasing the torque as she slowly catches her breath and recovers. Adam is struggling but doesn’t seem too in danger of fainting in the simple hold. Adam begins to rock back and forth and eventually gets Rin to stand in a crouch position for stability which allows him to pull his feet out from under her and get to his feet. He then hits a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge.
ONE!
TW-Kickout!
Adam and Rin both get to their feet and Rin is quick to hit a punch to the face. Adam responds with an elbow to the head. Rin fires back by kicking him in the gut. Adam hits a picture perfect dropkick sending her stumbling and landing on her butt in a seated position. Adam charges for a diving elbow but Rin sits up and catches him with the monkey flip. Adam ends up flying into the air as he goes past the edge of the ring in full sprawl. He has to maneuver his body in midair to get facing the ring again. He is just in time for Rin to fly up at him with a flying knee strike.
Britney: Rin's lighter frame is really helpful for these high flying moves!
Rin sails past Adam who is now holding his head and laying back in midair. She tightens her arms and comes crashing into him with a falling double foot stomp to the gut. Adam curls into a ball and falls towards the ring. He somersaults as he gets towards the fans and rolls into the ring. Rin gets more air and shouts a war cry. She dives down again looking for a falling elbow drop. Adam manages to just avoid the elbow and Rin bounces from the force of the fall. She holds her elbow in pain and stands up. She shouts that this is Adam’s fault and kicks him in the ribs. Adam bounces to his knees and she boots him in the back of the head and locks in an STF. Adam howls in pain as she pulls back on his head.
Abby: an STF, Short for Stepover Toehold Facelock, tangles the legs then wrenches back the head of an opponent face down on the ground.
Adam uses all his power to push up on his hands and crawl to the edge of the ring. He pulls them both over the edge where the wind separates them as Rin flies above him. She maneuvers closer to him and the two begin trading in air shots, catching themselves in the air flow between each strike. Elbows and knees and fists are flying. The two separate. They maneuver along the side of the ring in mid-air as the crowd cheers. Rin boots him in the gut and makes a powerbomb maneuver but they are at a corner of the ring and when she turns to slam him into the ring he merely catches the air along the adjacent side of the ring. Adam looks around shocked at his luck and shrugs. He spreads himself out as much as possible but Rin catches him with a headbutt. Adam holds his nose and then hits her into the ring with an air assisted dropkick. Rin uses the wingsuit to slow her fall and is able to roll to her hands and knees. Adam sighs then closes up. He drops like a bullet into the ring with a dropkick right to the face. Both competitors are down from the impact as Adam crash lands on the mat next to Rin who is holding her face in agony.
Britney: That was a brutal move from Adam.
Adam slowly crawls over and drapes an arm on Rin.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-Rin rolls the shoulder.
Adam slowly gets to his feet and looks out at the crowd. He picks up Rin and hits a flurry of heavy elbows to the side of the head. He drags her to the edge of the ring and looks at the crowd. He waves to them as he hooks her. He lifts for a suplex letting the air push her higher and pull him slightly off the mat and comes down with a high impact piledriver spiking her off the mat.
Abby: Adam's finisher This Is Awkward but with air assist.
Britney: Not available on the iPhone.
He holds her leg as she flops lifeless to the mat and pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Britney: The winner of this match, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days tournament is The Awkward One, Adam Sanders.
As wrestlers are cleared from the ring, two men in coconut bikinis grab large sheets of metal and begin covering areas of the ring leaving furniture sized holes in the coverage.
Britney: This next match is based on childhood game. The floor is lava.
The men each grab a side of a sofa and hoist it into the ring. Next they each grab an arm chair and move towards the ring. After that comes a few beds, for maximum jumping efficiency.
Abby: The Floor is Lava is a kids game where the goal is to move from location to location without letting any part of your body touch the ground. The ground is imagined to be lava.
As finishing touches, they place a coffee table in the middle. The two men exit the ring and begin connecting the metal plates to wires.
Britney: For this match, their out when both feet or their back touches the 'lava'. And to help with our wrestlers imagination, we've placed a metal top over sections of the wrestling ring and will heat them to 100 degrees Fahrenheit or a little over 37 degrees Celsius. Looks like we are ready to bring out the talent!
Abby:The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a quarter-finals match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, hailing from Scottsdale, Arizona. Representing AWF, DAKOTA JENNINGS!
As the word “Firecracker” appears on the large screen, red and green laser lights spin around the arena as Lzzy Hale begins to sing the opening to the song. Then the word fades and is replaced by the name “Dakota” as the redhead makes her way out to the stage area, a look of sheer scorn etched across her beautiful features. She looks out around the crowd and turns her nose up at them before making her way down the aisle.
Reaching the ring, she confidently strides up the steps before stepping under the second rope before climbing up one of the turnbuckles, flipping the bird to the fans as they boo and jeer in earnest.
Abby: And her opponent, hailing from Saint Louis, Missouri. Representing GUNS, JAMES MUELLER!
The opening notes of “On GP” by Death Grips begins to play over the arena speakers as television static fades in on the video feeds over the stage. As the beat picks up, flashes of James Mueller hitting opponents with fist strikes, stomps on hands, wrestling moves, and weapons change can be seen throughout the video, along with “GUNS” and “JAMES MUELLER” as text flash through as well. As the vocals kick in around :22 seconds, James Mueller emerges from the back and rolls into the ring.
[DING DING! DING DING!]
The referee takes a quick second to explain the rules of the match. Dakota nods and bounces on the beds in her corner. Mueller, however, is not having any of that! He climbs up on the ring post and shouts how he won't be falling into the lava. The referee looks at Dakota, who shrugs. He then steps out of the way and out of the ring, flipping a switch that turns on the heated ring mat and ropes. Within seconds, the area heats up super hot and the match can officially commence! Dakota bounces from one couch to another to get to Mueller's corner, who shrieks and dropkicks her back when she gets closer! She bounces back, landing rather violently on a bed. She bounces, and one foot dangles off almost on the floor.
Britney: Good save by Dakota. This would have been a very short match otherwise.
Mueller, seeing the opportunity at hand, jumps off for a leapfrog onto her! He misses and belly flops on a bed! But he's able to bounce up, and eat a heel kick right to the face! He falls over, his torso dangling precariously! He screams and twists to get himself away from the "lava." His hand even touches it, for a quick burn... but he's not dead. He's not even hurt. He thinks he really needs to lay off the drugs. He won't. He turns to Dakota, a smirk on his face as he lunges at her! She ducks under his arm for a clothesline, springing back up and being german suplexed off the couch! She lands on the arm chair, almost rolling back and out of the ring! She recovers, and uses the momentum of the rocking to spring forward for a big punch to level him!
Abby: A German suplex could easily result in a victory here today.
Mueller falls back again, in a drugged stupor he spins around and cartwheels across the ground to the coffee table!
Britney: one hand then the other touched the lava and I'm being told that is legal however I'm not sure how he can stand touching the hot plates for even that long.
Abby: Opioids have a very real effect on nociception.
He leaps off the coffee table to a bed, to then "springboard" for a clothesline, ala the CM Punk top rope one! He knocks over Dakota and lifts her back to her feet, before planting her with a package piledriver! He tries to push her off the couch, but she resists! She holds onto his legs, never letting go! He responds by grabbing her left arm, twisting in behind her back in a type of dis-arm-her hold, but then he grabs a finger and shooshes the crowd...
SNAP!
Dakota rolls away holding her hand in pain! Mueller cracks his neck and helps her to her feet again. This time, he kicks her in the stomach and raises her in a vertical suplex position. MUELLER HAS DAKOTA UP IN THE AIR! TIME FOR THE CULT OF PERSONALITY! HE LIFTS HER LIKE UNCLE GOLDBERG DID HIS JACKHAMMERS, BUT DAKOTA KNEES HIM ON THE HEAD! HE LETS HER GO AND STUMBLES FOR A MOMENT! AND DAKOTA LEANS BACK... DKO MK 1! SHE SUPERKICKS HIM OFF THE ARMCHAIR! HE FALLS BACK ONTO THE COFFEE TABLE! IT BREAKS! HE FALLS THROUGH AND ONTO THE FLOOR! HIS SHRILL SCREAMS ARE HEARD AS THE BELL RINGS!
[DING DING! DING DING!]
Abby: Per the match win conditions, Mueller has been elminiated!
Britney: The winner of this match, and advancing to the semi-finals of the End of Days tournament, DAKOTA JENNINGS!
As Mueller continues to stop, drop and roll, Dakota raises her hand in victory before holding it back to her chest. She might have broken fingers. But she won't worry about that now, because now it's time to celebrate!
The scene shifts to an underground swimming pool with lines of different colored light shinning throughout the water. Some of the light beams move and it becomes apparent all beams are attached to the heads of sharks. A blond woman stands in water a little over her chest and holds one of the light brown sharks in her arms.
Britney: The nurse sharks featured in today's event were not harmed and were not wild born. These animals were safely transported here from the US and will be brought back to the US research location at the end of this event. The laser pointers were super glued to their heads about an hour after a large feeding and will fall off on their own eventually. We do not recommend handling sharks as shown by my cousin.
Abby carefully releases the shark and it slowly sinks to the pool as it swims away.
Abby: THE nurse shark, Ginglymostoma cirratum, is not endangered and should not be confused with its endangered cousin the grey nurse shark, also referred to as the sand tiger shark or Carcharias taurus.
Britney: I am so Jelly. Not enough to get on an airplane but still. To be able to hug a shark.
Abby: Nurse sharks are one of the few sharks that can breath while not moving and are known to remain motionless at the bottom of the ocean for hours.
Britney: Let's hope which ever wrestlers are yeeted into the Shark Tank don't step on them and force them to defend themselves! Speaking of, here they come now!
The spotlights on the floating wrestling platform fade, plunging the arena into almost darkness. Back in the home area, large screens show the match to the adoring fans. A single image appears on screen.
Before a mass of lighters can be produced, purple and white spotlights playfully search through the audience, darting around to The Hives' "Tick Tick Boom" pumping over the loud speakers while whipping the audience into a frenzy. The purple lights are designed to look like butterflies, seemingly fluttering away from the more intense white glows in pursuit.
As chants go up throughout the audience. The purple spotlights also dance about the shark's cave and convert on the entrance curtains.
When these lights align, Anthony Caffrey and Radu Matei push through in unison. The thunderous ovation in the main area is drowned out by a cavalcade of fireworks around the screen. The amount of blue and red sparks flying through the air might colour the arena in enough mauve light to make you miss the Purple Emperor’s matching tights, but as both men strike poses on opposite sides of the entrance ramp, there is little doubt that they are on the same page.
The fan favorites make their way down the the floating ramp as sharks with laser pointers glued to their heads swim beneath them.
Britney: With a combined weight of 457 pounds, Anthony Caffrey and
Radu Matei are The. Purple. Emperors.
Radu Matei are The. Purple. Emperors.
They cross the narrow bridge from the platform to the ring, glancing down at the small nurse sharks in the water below.
“All We Do is Win” by DJ Khaled begins playing as Ethan Mills runs out from the back. He dances on the entrance stage while “the Iron Bear” Joe Ghaven and Gorden Carlson walk out from the back. Joe shaking his head at the choice of music by his manager.
Britney: Their competitors the team made of The Iron Bear and Gorden Carlson.
Ethan Mills continues to dance in front of “his team” until Gorden cuffs him in the back of the head. Ethan holds the back of his head, looking hurt, but leads the pair to the bridge. Ethan stays behind as Joe and Gorden cross over to get into the ring.
Joe Ghaven and Anthony Caffrey stay in the ring while their partners get onto the ring apron as the bell is sounded to start the match.
Abby: This match is won when one person from one team is sent into the water with the nurse sharks with the laser pointers on their heads for the count of ten.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR SEMIFINAL MATCH
Swimming With the Sharks Match
Gordon Carlson and "Iron Bear" Joe Ghaven vs. Purple Emperors
Joe and Anthony go to the center of the ring and begin circling around one another while looking for an angle of which to strike. Anthony lunges in, reaching for a leg, but Joe uses a hammerfist to club Anthony in the top of the head. Anthony’s eyes go cross for a moment from the power of the blow and he staggers backwards a few steps.
Joe takes another heavy swing at Anthony, but he dodges to the side. He connects with an elbow strike to the jaw that turns Joe’s head to the side. He jumps up to connect with another elbow strike.
Anthony goes running to the ropes and comes back, aiming for his Closing Remarks elbow strike to finish this match already. Instead of connecting with his elbow, Joe connects with a boot to the head that sends Anthony to the mat.
Anthony lunges up slamming his elbow into Joe Ghaven’s right knee in a move that causes the big man to stagger and almost fall. Caffrey rises up, striking Joe in the midsection with his elbow and then his knee when Joe doubles over. Anthony grabs Joe by the shoulders and hits several knee lifts to the head before whipping him into the corner. Anthony follows with a head full of steam to hit an elbow to the side of the head, but Joe lunges out of the corner to catch Anthony by the face with a brain claw, lifts him up into the air by his face, and hurls him across the ring like he were a shotput. Anthony rolls head over heels until he slams into the corner.
His own corner.
Anthony Caffrey stands up and tags in Radu Matei with a smirk. Radu hops over the ropes and comes at Joe, jumping up, and hitting an eye gouge. Radu grabs Joe by the arm and sinks in his teeth!
Joe roars in anger and pain, clubbing Radu on the head with his fist. It drives the teeth in deeper for a moment, but also stuns Deathless. Joe grabs Radu by the hair on the back of his head, pulling his mouth away from Joe, and delivers a thunderous headbutt that sends Radu straight to the mat.
Joe picks Radu up into a power bomb position and hurls him from the ring and into the drink with the sharks.
The sharks generally keep to themselves, though Radu is lt up by the occasional laser pointer. The splash into the cold water actually revives him and he makes it back into the ring by the four count. Joe tags in Gordon while watching Radu get back into the ring.
Gordon crosses the ring quickly to get a hold of Radu with a side headlock. He cranks on Radu’s head for a moment before hitting a headlock driver to the mat.
Britney: As I understand it, Radu normally drops people on their head. Certain irony in it happening to him.
Gordon pulls the wet Radu up and goes to the ring ropes while holding him to throw him over, but Radu grabs the top rope. He swings over the ropes and back in to hit both knees to the gut of Gordon to double him over.
Radu gets back into the ring, grabs Gordon, and hits a bulldog! He pulls Gordon up, runs with him, and sends him sailing over the top rope and into the drink!
Gordon Carlson only spends to the count of five in the water with the sharks before rolling in under the bottom rope and back into the ring. Radu gets Gordon up, whips him into the ropes (where Gordon tags in Joe) and makes a rebound where Radu hits a hangman onto the second rope!
Radu rolls Gordon out of the ring into the water when Caffrey signals to him to look behind him. Radu turns around to be seized by the throat by the new legal man in the ring in the form of Joe Ghaven. Joe hefts him up and brings him down with a choke slam! Ethan Mills crosses the bridge from ring aisle to the ring apron. He skips from side to side on the ring apron.
Mills: Throw the fucker out! Win it! Win it!
Gordon Carlson gets back up onto the ring apron in his corner. He glares at Ethan Mills, who quiets down.
Joe grabs Radu up by the sides of the head, brings his head back, and headbutts Radu right in the nose with a loud crack and a spurt of blood from Radu.
Radu staggers backwards a few steps, blood flowing freely from his nose.
Britney: We got first blood! Looks like it's getting into the shark tank too.
Britney: Something to keep in mind for sure.
Joe goes to grab Radu, but gets blood spit into his eyes to blind him. Radu begins a series of lightning fast strikes, punches, and kicks so fast that he seems like a blur of motion. When he has struck Joe one hundred times, he backs away. Joe Ghaven drops to his knees and then onto his face!
Radu drops back and tags in Caffrey, who steps into the ring. He begins slapping Joe Ghaven to try to wake him up. He looks to Radu on the ring apron with a WTF look. Ethan Mills laughs while on the ring apron.
Mills: Ha ha! You can’t win now! You can’t lift him when he’s awake, much le-
Anthony Caffrey runs across the ring, knocking Ethan in the jaw with an elbow hard enough to send him from the ring apron and into the drink with the sharks! The crowd cheer the slimy manager being taught a lesson, though as Caffrey looks down to see the frightened Ethan trying to avoid the sharks, a laser pointer catches him right in the eye!
Anthony Caffrey clutches at his eye, backing away from the side of the ring until he trips over the downed Joe Ghaven. He closes the affected eye, gathers himself up, and grabs Joe by the foot. He begins twisting Joe’s foot, which quickly wakes Joe up as he begins to tap.
Caffrey releases the ankle lock. Ethan crawls up onto the bridge between the aisle and the ring, screaming in terror as a nurse shark bumps into his leg. Joe Ghaven begins to stand up as Caffrey tags Radu back in. They both seize Joe under the arms, run him across the ring, and send him over the top rope and into the water!
Joe Ghaven lands on a nurse shark when he lands in the water. It turns and clamps its mouth onto his leg! The ref begins counting as Joe tries to get the shark to release him.
Abby: The issue with the nurse shark is not it's teeth but that they create a vacuum seal. The most common issue with these shark bites is getting the animals to let go.
As the referee gets to ten, Joe gives up trying to get the shark off and moves to get out of the water. Blood fills the water from around the wound. Gordon Carlson rushes to help Joe Ghaven out of the water with the shark still happily attached. Once out of the water, the shark is less happy and let's go of Joe's leg in favor of returning to the water where it can breath.
Britney: Hopefully this match has highlighted that sharks will not swarm at the first drop of blood and that when they bite it is often the human's fault for stepping on them. The winners and advancing to the Tag Team Annihilator Finals ... THE PURPLE EMPERORS!
Anthony Caffrey and Radu Matei celebrate their win in the ring while the fans in the area yell and shoot off poppers.
The following is a written collaboration between H2F and Mr. Jeff Lindsay, author of the Riley Wolfe Series and the Dexter Series (the TV show was based on the book).
Thailand is known for a number of natural wonders. One of the internationally known are the large deep caves that run through the area. Near the Bangla Boxing Stadium in Phuket, Patong, Thailand. It is here that Mary, known as Mee-maw to her grandchildren, has set up the Sippy Cup race course with financial backing from Mongo.
Within the announcer’s booth, two people sit bathed in a flickering yellow and orange light flowing in from the windows and wearing original Power Rangers masks. The woman in the red mask is the first to speak.
Mary: Welcome, one and all to the first Sippy Cup!! We at CAR are so very excited to be able to announce the Sippy Cup live on location from The Hot Seat Announcer's Booth above the Ring of Fire! Joining me today is Mr. Grimly Trudgenutts the former Uranium Prospector and PlayGirl model. Mr. Tudgenutts what have you been up to recently?
The man in the pink Power Rangers mask with long, curly, grizzled hair sticking out from the bottom responds.
Grimly: I was just scratching my -- oh! You mean, uh… Yeah, I got a great steady gig as a bouncer at an orgy club in Tehran. And, uh…. Can I have a different mask? I mean, how’d I get stuck with pink?
Mary: The pink is nice. It matches your eyes.
Grimly: And couldn’t they get us better masks?
Mary: Well, as you know, Mongo has reached deep into his wallet to make this the greatest Sippy Cup ever. He’s put a ton of money into a brand new, top of the line wrestling ring, with all the latest features, like the sky diving fans around the outside of the first match and the ring buckles for the coronation match are solid gold.
Grimly: And so we are sitting here literally on top of the fire pit because he ran out of money?
Mary: No, he said it had to do with something recouping costs after importing the sharks.
Grimly: Oh. Okay. That makes sense. I mean, not to me? But -- and it is already getting really freaking hot in here.
Mary: And here comes the first crew to qualify for the Sippy Cup.
Grimly: That’s a very sharp truck -- reminds me of this Polish tequila I used to... wonder if I brought some? I’m getting thirsty...
Mary: The Angry Mad Chemists started strong this session but then they introduced the Doof Fluff and it has prevented us from seeing who finishes the race on multiple occasions. That we are underground means they can’t use it and I have to say…
A whirl can be heard in the background as though a device had been turned on.
Grimly: Ouch.
Mary: It has been a wonderful addition to the racing season. They really are a talented group of scientists and I am looking forward to seeing how they do in this race.
Grimly: Do you have a cushion? My butt hurts….
Mary: I thought these were padded seats but perhaps the heat shielding isn’t as good as I thought. I think I’m getting a hot flash.
Grimly: That cheap bastard Mongo probably put in Chinese drywall for heat shields. That would explain it. Hey! What the hell is that thing?
An old VW bug with a large protrusion with a mushroom shaped top strapped on the hood drives up to the starting line.
Mary: That is Don't touch my junk Racin'.
Grimly: They got nothing to worry about. I’m not touching THAT!
Zooming in behind the Junk mobile, is a low and slip white race car.
Mary: And here comes Mach Go~Go~Go~Go~Go~!
Grimly: I think I’m getting a flashback from the brown acid I took at Woodstock. Is that car really -- ?
Mary: fast?
Grimly: I was gonna say melting? So it is the brown acid….
Mary: I think that’s the shimmer from our hot seat. And speaking of hot stuff, here comes Mother. The Car. They have been ghosting through several races recently and I hope they can show a little spirit this race.
Grimly: The driver, Bogdan Thomas, looks kind of haunted. Maybe I should take him some of my Polish tequila. Scare the demons right out.
Mary: Speaking of demons, our next group has been driving like a bat out of Hell.
Grimly: Wow. I wonder if they’d sell that thing? I could really use it for some of the tailgaters I get on the Freeway.
Mary: the Weapons on The Esoteric Order of Driving, aka EOD, are very powerful! I don’t know that that vehicle is actually street legal.
Grimly: Neither is tailgating...
Blond Forests swings his hips as he approaches the starting line wearing a coconut bikini. He raises a small Derringer pistol.
CAR SIPPY CUP
Greatest Hits Race
Mother, the Car vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Mach~GO~GO~GO~GO~GO vs. Don't Touch My Junk Racing
Greatest Hits Race
Mother, the Car vs. Angry Mad Chemists vs. Esoteric Order of Driving vs. Mach~GO~GO~GO~GO~GO vs. Don't Touch My Junk Racing
Mary: Racers, on the line. Get set. And-
The large bang of the pistol echoes in the underground chamber. An enormous jet of multi-colored flames shoots out of the Derringer and fountains into the sky, where it forms the flaming words, GO!!!!! GO!!!!! GO!!!!!!
Mary turns to Grimly as the Vehicles accelerate past the starting line. EoD is in the lead but Mach and Don’t Touch My Junk are quickly gaining on them.
Mary: That little beauty was entirely Forest’s engineering. Very impressive, right?
Grimly: Hell yes. That kid has a future in the hallucination trade.
Mary: Mother. The Car. And the Angry Mad Chemists are already jockeying for position as they race after EoD who was just passed by Mach.
Grimly: Whoa Nellie, they’re headed for that first obstacle -- the mud pit. By the way, you sure that’s mud? There’s a whiff coming off it.
Mach breaks further away and accelerates right into the brown stuff.
Grimly: Guess were about to find out if it’s mud or --
Mary: This obstacle, like the original, doesn’t include any dirt based mud. Instead, we use non-food grade pudding. Forest has rigged up our pudding cannons to be a part of the internet of everything!
And Mach hits the pudding and begins hydroplaning into a tight circle. The other vehicles, upon seeing what happened to Mach, have decided to be more cautious.
Grimly: The what? Internet of -- I mean, is that a thing? Because -- Whoa! Lookit that!
Mary: I see it! EoD has re-taken the lead -- But Don’t Touch My Junk is close behind. And coming up fast we’ve got the Chemists, pressed hard by Mother.
Grimly: And they’re headed right for -- Ka-BOOM! What was that?!
Mary: Forest has pulled out his phone to fire the cannons remotely! And EoD takes a direct hit!
The pudding cannons hit EoD with the chocolate but the EoD holds stoically steady.
As the cannon fires, it makes sounds you can smell just from hearing it. It sounds like someone gave a toddler nothing but bread for a day then prunes for two days. It sounds like the dog ate four sticks of butter. It sounds like ‘digestive upset’.
Grimly: Man o’ man-ashevitz! Sounds like the Vienna Boys Choir after a pork and beans orgy.
The pubbing cannons next target Mother but the pudding seems to go right through the car and hit Don’t Touch My Junk who can’t handle all that brown stuff on their shaft.
Grimly: Umm…. If I really just saw that? I think that car is haunted.
Mary: Don’t be silly. There’s no way we wouldn’t have noticed that sooner. And it looks like Don’t Touch My Junk is playing bumper cars with the cave walls as Mach regains control of their car and is back in the race.
EoD, Mother, & the Chemists are heading for the Living wall with March speeding to catch up. Don’t Touch My Junk is exiting the pudding pit and racing after them.
Grimly: Hot diggity, now we’re gonna see something! EoD, the Chemists, and that haunted bastard are headed right at the Living Wall! Fire up them shain saws, baby!
The sound of a chainsaw roars to life. Followed by a second. Another chainsaw joins the choir, and another. Soon the chainsaws are louder than the vehicles racing towards them.
Mary: Hear that? That’s our improvement to the previous issue with the living wall!
Grimly: Now THAT’S an upgrade! But hey -- is that passage getting smaller or is it just me? I mean, I don’t mean I’m getting smaller. I mean --
Mary: Yes, I get it. Like I said, we improved it. And now EoD has entered the Living Wall’s tunnel of Love! With Chainsaws sticking out at odd intervals. Can they make it through?
Grimly: I’m kinda hoping for some carnage? I mean, nothing serious, just a little bit of chainsaw chompin’.
Mother and the Chemists have also entered the chainsaw hall.
Mary: EoD is using their tentacles to move the chainsaws out of their way but this has slowed them down enough that the Chemists are now riding their bumper. Mach is into the Living Wall Chainsaw tunnel and is quickly dodging between the chainsaws.
Grimly: Hot Damn, Mother can’t possibly dodge that saw. She’s going to -- What? I think -- I mean, it looked like she just phased right through it!
Mary: I didn’t see Mother going through anything solid. But I do see them shooting like a bullet after EoD and the Chemists. Now we are directly on top of the Ring of Fire. And it is indeed on fire. This means we won’t be able to see what happens when they pass directly under us.
Grimly: Aw -- that ain’t right.
The announcers stare in silence for a few moments at where their line of sight returns .
Grimly: Aaaannnd -- Mother comes out of the fire in first place, and then it’s EoD -- Here come the Chemists -- and finally it’s mach, maybe slightly singed? And we missed it.
Mary: The crews are approaching my indoor swimming with the sharks pool. Look at those beautiful nurse sharks not 10 feet under the swinging rope bridge! That 3 meter drop looks like a fun jump.
Grimly: Great way to cool off after the race.
Mary: You go ahead. I might join you later.
The lights from the multi colored laser pointers flash prismatically through the water and up toward the cars.
Grimly: Lookit them multi-colored laser pointers! They’re awful damn pretty for something that can slice through steel.
Mary: It’s Mother, EoD, the Chemists, and Mach on the bridge. Once they get to the other side, the race ends. EoD is using their tentacles to pick up the Chemists and Mother. Mother and the Chemists are raised almost even with EoD. EoD must be preparing to fling them now. And Don’t Touch My Junk rams into one of the bridge support beams with their battering ram.
The racers on the bridge quickly scurry across the finish line as glitter cannons shoot glitter straight up. Both the bridge and the Junk Mobile fall into the shark infested water below.
Grimly: Don’t Touch My Junk is in with the sharks! Serves ‘em right for that disgusting ram. And looky there! The race is OVER!! Uh -- did anybody win or anything?
Mary: It’s very close. But we’ve thought ahead. I’ll pull up the laser pointer photo finish.
The glass in front of the announcer booth goes opaque and brings up a photo showing EoD’s tentacles lifting Mother and the Chemists above and almost even with them.
Grimly: Hey, nice shot. Did you take that? The composition is really very balanced, and -- Oh! Right! It looks to me like the winner. Of the coveted Sippy Cup. IS……. Mother -- The -- CAR!!! Hooo-WHEE! That’s one speedy mother….
Mary: And right behind Mother for second place -- THE… Angry Mad Chemists!
Grimly: Yeah, remember -- you’re not second place: You’re first Loser!
Mary: Third place goes to EoD.
Grimly: Really nice try, guys. I mean…. Not really.
Mary: And closing out the field is Mach.
Grimly: Except for those obscene geeks in Don’t Touch My Junk who kind of got the shaft. I mean, if there’s such a thing as a shark shaft?
Short Forrest, wearing the same coconut bikini as his blond friend, smiles as he hands a bouquet of flowers and the Sippy Cup Trophy to Bogdan Tomas as glitter continues to rain down around them.
Back in the main ring, the party is winding down as a blond coconut bikini clad man begins placing one pie on tall tables next to the ropes at each corner.
Britney: This match is one I am really looking forward to! The win condition is simple: one pie to the face and you're eliminated from the ring. It doesn't matter which pie, who sent it, or how it got you in the face. One pie, one face, one out.
Abby: There are a variety of pies and even more recipes available. As one pie is taken from a corner, it will be replaced with a new, different type of pie. Types include: Apple, Boston Creme, Pumpkin, Vanilla Creme, Blueberry Lemon Poppy Seed, Shepherd's pie, Chess Pie, & many more.
Britney: Hopefully no one tries to have sex with the pies. Oh here come the wrestlers!
Abby: The following is scheduled for an elimination by pie to the face match. Introducing first, Death Trap and Mistress Discipline, ... Top of the Class!
The lights dim down and the Tron shows "Top of the Class" in big gold letters with sparkles. It then cuts to images of Death Trap and Mistress Discipline working together in the 2020 rumble. "2285 Entr'acte" by Dream Theater plays over the speakers.
Blue and Gold lights strobe the arena as the stage and ramp light up again and Death Trap and Mistress Discipline hit the stage. Mistress straightens her collar and begins marching to the ring. She gets ten steps away and looks back to see DT still doing his signature pose at the top of the stage. She marches back and grabs his arm and forcibly pulls him down the ramp to the ring as DT high fives fans with his free hand.
Mistress rolls into the ring and steps to the center while DT goes up the steps and looks out at the crowd as he steps through the ropes. He leaps to the closest corner and poses again as gold sparks shower from the ceiling. Discipline looks around quite unimpressed by all this hoopla. DT jumps down and the two begin to talk strategy as the lights return to normal.
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."
"And we ain't got time to bleed."
"And we ain't got time to bleed."
"Turbo Killer" by Carpenter Brut begins to play and the lights in the arena are snuffed out. Red lights on the stage blink on and off, on and off, showing the outline of three figures that make their way out from behind the curtains.
As the music picks up, the red lights start to blink more rapidly, and eventually the arena lights come back to life. Who are the three mystery men? The ReVenants! Neo Carner, Rob Garcia, and Keith Williams! Rob is posed in the middle of the three, back to the camera with his arms and clenched fists out to the side of his body, while the other two are leaned over towards him and both pointing at Rob with their two index fingers. Garcia spins around, a big grin on his face as he points to his two partners in crime. The Big Bad Wolves bump fists, immediately drawing back to pose some more, taking in the reaction of the crowd. Some people love it, but most people seem to hate it and the obvious nature of their super cockiness.
The ReVenants make their way down to the ring, taunting the fans as they go and being especially generous with the middle fingers. Upon reaching ringside, Keith does his usual groin thrusting of the bottom rope and mustache stroking. Rob fakes out any fan foolish enough to think they can touch him or go for a high five, all the while laughing the entire time in their face. Neo enters the ring, grasping the top rope and pulling back on it, releasing it only to flex his muscles for the enjoyment of... Everyone! Keith and Rob join him, the three posing together in the middle of the ring. To really make it feel special, several streams of red pyro go off behind them as they all stop posing now, taking to their corner and joking around with one another.[/div]
DING! DING! DING!
Death Trap and Keith Williams start it off for their respective teams, both reaching back for a pie and, straight out of the gate, launching it towards one another's heads! Lemon and Apple merge like a mighty morphing megazord as they clash in the middle of the ring - the insides of the pies exploding through the air as both men dive out of the ring ropes and try their best to deflect the dastardly contents!
DT recoups with Mistress Discipline ringside as she hands him another pie - and, with a courageous war-cry, he runs towards Keith Williams with pie in hand! Keith ducks the pie attempt and carries on running, elbowing Mistress Discipline in the noggin' before picking up a boiling hot shepard's pie and launching it towards DT's skull! DT deflects it by holding out his pie like a shield, and MD takes advantage of the situation by locking William's arms behind his head! DT runs towards Williams but he manages to drop to a knee and the former X*Crown Champion skids to a dramatic halt - almost falling over in an attempt to not accidentally pie his own teammate!
Britney: This is already reminding of that food fight from middle school. I love it.
Carner distracted the referee as Keith nailed DT with a kick to the balls, then, with rapid fashion, kicked backwards as MD lost her grip on the hold! He swivelled out using that of her arm, whipping her right into a hurting DT as both members of Top of the Class crashed to the mat!
Carner jumped down from the apron, picking up a newly replaced Vanilla Creme pie - he would launch it threw the air, over DT and MD's heads, as Williams would catch it - Carner then picked up a pie of his own, going to meet Top of the Class and his tag team partner in the middle of the ringside area - both of the former were stuck, surrounded by Keith and Neo, pies in their respective hands. They would nod to each other before going to sandwich DT and MD with pies, but Top of the Class would slide into the ring and the pies would explode in both of the ReVenant's hands! They looked shocked! Scared almost!
Britney: A good save by Top of the Class but it will take more than not getting eliminated to win.
DT and MD would hit the ropes! Rebounding off of them and charging through the middle ropes with a double TOPE-SUICIDA to the ReVenants ringside! The Thai crowd popped at the spectacle! DT and MD both respectively grabbed the heads of their opponents, with DT rolling Williams back into the ring and MD throwing Carner into the barricade with a hefty thud!
Abby:The Tope Suicida is a head first lunging attack often through the ropes to knock over the opponent.
Death Trap would wait for Williams to stand, charging at his waist line and forcing him over to the neutral corner - when there he would let off a flurry of martial arts strikes to William's head, with the latter trying his absolute best to block them - but to no avail.
DT's striking game would be far too much for the Paragon of Sleaze, which the former would take advantage of by reaching past William's head and grabbing a pumpkin pie! A receptive "Happy Halloween!" from the former MCCW World Champion would frighten Williams as he eyed up the pie. DT then grabbed Keith by the back of his head and tried to pull his face into the pumpkin, but in a battle of fortitude, Keith pushed back with his head!
A test of strength would be taking place! William's head against that of DT's pumpkin pie! The Thai crowd would oooh in anticipation! Was William's about to be eliminated so early on?! NO! Carner would grab William's leg from ringside and drag him out of the ring and away from DT's halloween surprise, the fans loudly booing at the outcome!
Britney: That could have been our first elimination and the fans agree with me!
Mistress Discipline would be having none of it, charging over to the ReVenants and missile dropkicking them both into the barricade! From there she would grab Williams and roll him back into the ring, before scaling the apron to her corner and tagging in! TAG! DT would grab a hold of William's ankle, lifting it up into an ankle lock as MD, the legal teammate, grabbed a pie!
Britney: Strong teamwork by Top of the Class who seem to be trying to turn this food fight into a wrestling match for some reason.
MD would drop to a knee and go to splat it into a prone William's face! But Williams would power out of the hold, throwing his leg down and sending DT flying forward... AND INTO THE PIE-- NO! MD would only just move her hand back in time to stop an elimination of her own tag team partner! DT would be eyes wide, afraid of the dreaded cream that barely grazed his nose! Williams would fall back into his corner and tag in Carner, who handed his partner a pie!
Britney: WHY ARE BOTH TEAMS BOTHERING TO TAG IN AND OUT?
The ReVenants, both with pies in hands, would charge towards TotC in the ring! MD would shove DT out of the ring with quick thinking before jumping up for another dropkick, this time nailing both of the pies with her feet! The pies would fly out of the ReVenant's hands as they watched them escape!
Carner would turn, looking pissed off, he liked that Californian Pie --but he would be met with a harsh roundhouse to the face for his troubles! Williams would then clothesline MD to the mat, nailing a second one as she stumbled back to her feet! He would then grab her by the hair and she would be locked into a piledriver position between his legs. Carner would recover, shaking off the roundhouse and sliding a pie in from the outside -right below MD's face!
Britney: Brush it of Mistress, but not on screen.
Williams would go to lift her up for a jumping piledriver, but MD would kick her legs and survive the first attempt! He would go to lift her for another but DT would charge back into the ring with a Boston Creme pie! The Paragon of Sleaze would shriek before Matrix-ing his head backwards to avoid the devastating weapon of mass destruction!
Carner charged at DT for his finisher... the NEO-CLASSICAL KNEE STRIKE --but DT would catch the knee and reverse it into a devastating knee bar as MD threw Williams over her head and onto his back!
Britney: Williams is down but will he be pied?
MD would guide Williams back to his feet before rolling him up into a cradle and applying the REFERRAL! That devastating Muta Lock! Both of the ReVenants would be in precarious situations! Both in deadly submissions in the middle of the ring! The crowd would clap as they writhed in pain! --Williams would spot the pie that still remained in the middle of the ring, eyeing up Carner before only just grabbing it and launching it behind him blindly - aiming for DT's face! A loud splat would be heard...
Britney: Was that a PIE to the FACE?
The camera would pan backwards to reveal the pie on DT's chest! His eyes wide! And there, right on his chin, would be tiniest amount of pear pie!
Britney: If the referee notices the piece of pear, this could be the elimination of Death Trap.
The ref hadn't noticed the splotch on his chin just yet, he was too focused on making sure Williams didn't pass out to the Muta Lock! DT gulped... shook his head... closed his eyes in anticipation and licked the pie off of his chin - swallowing it with complete and utter disgust! It was putrid!
Death Trap would mouth "Must have been from Cross!". Subconsciously losing grip of his kneebar, Carner would take advantage by rolling around onto his back and booting DT in the face! Breaking free of the hold, he would swivel back to his feet - avoiding any pressure on his weakened knee - and dive into MD to break up the Muta Lock and save his tag team partner from passing out! He would then roll out of the ring and drag Williams with him!
DT would wipe whatever was left of the pear pie from off of his chest and wait for MD to get back to her feet - signaling to get the special, homemade chocolate cream pies that were hid under the ring! She would do so, holding hers in her hands with pride as DT joined her ringside with his.
Britney: What do you supose is special about those pies? CAR has provided a number of pies in each corner.
A chase would follow as they hunted down the ReVenants, who ran for their lives - heading to collect one pie from one corner and another from the other one! Once all four participants had their pies the chase stopped and a stand off ensued - just like some scene out of a wild west movie! Williams eyed up DT - MD eyed up Carner! With a quick draw Williams would attempt to shoot DT in the head but the former X*Crown Champion would swivel his bean and miss the pie by a mere millisecond. Williams was out of pie!
MD would throw next, aiming to nail an unarmed, unsuspecting Williams --but somehow, someway, the Paragon of Sleaze managed to grab the pie mid air - with it still in one piece! MD would gulp! DT would throw, looking to nail Carner - but Carner would duck and the pie would nail the barricade! The ReVenants had two pies... Top of the Class? ...None.
Britney: Good catch!
The ReVenants would smirk at each other before charging after DT and MD, the latter running in the opposite direction to when they first chased their armed opponents. Carner had the quick thought to turn around and cut them off - and, just like earlier on in the match - the Top of the Class were surrounded by the ReVentants, pies in their dastardly hands. MD and DT gulped - this was it, they were doomed. Who would throw first? Who would have to duck and when? Carner and Williams eyed each other up, chuckling.
Carner reached back his hand to throw but it was a bluff! MD was distracted by him! Williams launched his pie towards DT and the former X*Crown Champion ducked... The chocolate cream pie splatted right into Mistress Discipline's FACE! SHE WAS ELIMINATED!
Britney: Mistress Discipline is the first to be eliminated! This was by way of chocolate cream pie!
DT would give her a really sympathetic, apologetic look - "OOOOH! Sorry--" but before he could say anything else he had to duck under a pie clothesline attempt from Carner! He swivelled around and nailed a discus punch to the pie that went flying behind Carner and smacked Williams right on the bridge of the nose! HE WAS ELIMINATED!
Britney: Keith Williams is the second to be eliminated! This time by way of blackberry pie!
DT would take advantage of a shocked Carner and apply a reverse choke hold! Williams was pissed! He would lick the pie off of his mouth before charging at DT - but MD, chocolate cream and all, would nail the... FINAL BELL! (Bicycle Knee Strike) - sending an eliminated Williams to the mat! The ref would be distracted by this illegal fighting and Carner would take advantage with a reverse kick to DT's crown jewels! He would grab him by his head and chuck him back into the ring before picking up another pie and scaling the apron - climbing the top rope!
Britney: Next elimination ends the match! Who will it be?
He would taunt the fans before diving down to splat it into DT's face! BUT NO! Death Trap would roll out of the way and the canvas would eat the pie instead! Carner would back up as DT charged at him for a diving elbow strike! --but Carner would roll forwards and out of the way, DT's elbow striking the turnbuckle! He would turn around to see Carner advancing towards him for a big, big boot in the corner! --DT would quickly swivel out of the way and allow Carner's boot to get stuck on top of the turnbuckle!
From there, Death Trap would kick the inside of his leg - with Carner dropping upside down, suspended by the turnbuckle! DT would reach for a pie and take a few steps back, he would charge forwards and jump through the air - placing the pie in-front of his feet for a dropkick to the prone, upside-down Carner's face! --the latter would use up all of his core muscle strength to pull up his torso and head, the pie splatting against the bottom turnbuckle and only just missing Carner's face!
Britney: I've lost count of how many pies have gone flying by now but it looks like the CAR bikini men are scrambling to keep up with the demand.
Carner would miraculously unhook his leg and break free, elbowing DT has he got back to his feet! A new pie had just been replaced, straight out of the oven! He reached down for it but DT grabbed him by the waist and pulled him back! --Neo Carner powered forward for a second time though and this time managed to get his fingers around the rim of the pie - slightly pulling it forward as it landed face up on the mat! He elbowed DT again before looking to drop-toe hold him straight into the pie! NO!
DT would land in a handstand position, his head ever so close to the pie - the raspberry contents a nanometre away from the tip of his nose - eyes wide, frightened for his life! Carner would go to double foot stomp DT's head into the pie but the former X*Crown Champion would roll out of the way, with Carner landing on the pie feet first and slipping through the air and onto his back! From there he rolled over but the technical wizard Death Trap managed to secure the... DEATH TRAP! (Dragon Clutch). He was stuck! His head being wrenched back!
Mistress Discipline banged the apron as Carner faded, trying his best to fight back - but it was all too much, the Death Trap by Death Trap soon made him pass out! DT would notice his limp opponent and release the hold, Carner's face dropping forwards into the mat, and subsequently, into the raspberry pie! HE WAS FINALLY ELIMINATED!
DING! DING! DING!
Britney: Neo James Carner has been eliminated by way of raspberry pie - meaning your winners, and advancing to the finals of the Tag Team Annhilator... Death Trap and Mistress Discipline... TOP OF THE CLASS!
The crowd cheered loudly as MD joined DT back in the ring, the latter wiping some chocolate cream pie off of her cheek and licking his finger with a bright smile!
Britney: This was a strong showing by both teams! Good job y'all!
The remnants of pies are swept and mopped off the ring to prepare it for the next match.
Britney: The oil and feathers match is CAR take on tar and feathers.
Two bikini clad men hoist cardboard boxes of white feathers up ladders to empty them into troughs suspended above the ring.
Abby: Tar and feathering is another American past time but from a time period well before the founding of the country.
Britney: Yes, but the sticky people are lots easier to wrestle to the ground. Cover them in oil, and it becomes more difficult.
Abby: Lubricants are essential in modern life. The thickness of the oil determines its coefficient of friction or the amount of the force required to move sliding surfaces over each other compared to the amount of force holding them.
Britney: Here's hoping no one slips and falls because here come the wrestlers!
Postman Pat Remix begins playing throughout the arena as Nathan Parker walks out from the back, looking a little worse for wear. He takes a long pull from a hip flask before heading down toward the ring.
Nathan Parker only gets halfway down to the ring before an angry looking Pat the Postman comes running out from the back. He grabs Nathan by the shoulder and spins him around, blasting him in the face with a fist.
Nathan blasts Pat the Postman in the gut with a pair of brass knuckles, doubling the large man over.
Parker: You shoulda stayed down, Pat. This isn’t your fight anymore!
Pat furiously knocks the brass knuckles from Nathan’s hand, picks him up into a press slam position, and drops his face across the security railing! Nathan lies on the floor, blood streaming from an unseen wound on his face as he lies face down on the aisle.
When Pat sees that Nathan is no longer a threat, he makes his way down to the ring. EMTs work their way down to the fallen Nathan to get him checked on and taken to the back.
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
Shoving through the back curtains is everyone's favourite teenage hispanic babyface, who is actually an elderly Eastern European monster in sheep's clothing. The reaction for Zoran Sainovic is about what you'd expect, given how many people in attendance were glad he died. As the crowd pelts him with garbage, The Final Boss moves down the aisle in sync with the tunes. Beer splashes his Armani suit, but Sainovic doesn't care. He has money to burn. The swagger is very real.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Entering the ring, Sainovic is immediately patted down by the referee, searching for an arsenal of weapons. Zoran takes this opportunity to plant weapons on the referee, while turning to the closest camera with a sadistic grin.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
Pat the Postman and Zoran Sainovic stand in opposite corners with their arms out as coconut bikini clad men come into the ring with spray bottles. They begin spraying the wrestlers down with a combination of baby oil and extra virgin olive oil. Really just makes Zoran’s suit wet and Pat’s muppet costume looks like it gains several pounds from being wet down. The bikini men leave the ring as the bell sounds to start the match.
END OF DAYS TOURNAMENT ROUND TWO MATCH
Oil and Feathers Match
Pat the Postman vs. "Niño Huracán" Pepe Morales (totally not Zoran Sainovic)
Zoran crosses the ring and drills Pat in the midsection and chest with punches, each blow taking a toll on the larger man as he doubles over in pain. He nails an uppercut that straightens Pat up before straight punching him in the junk!
Pat doubles over again, this time being smacked around by Zoran. A slap here and a slap there before Zoran makes an attempt to take off the muppet mask. Put pushes Zoran away, standing up straight, and hitting a powerful clothesline that sends Zoran to the mat.
Britney: Release the FEATHERS!
The troughs empty the white feathers that rain down around the mat. By that we mean around the mat. None of the feathers actually make their wave into the ring.
Britney: Well, that was not expected.
Pat goes to grab Zoran, but his fingers slip off of the suit. Zoran starts to stand up, but Pat steps back a step, and kicks him in the face to send him right back to the mat! Zoran gets to his hands and knees, Pat jumps into the air and hits a curb stomp to send Zoran’s face into the mat. Zoran’s nose crunches with a splatter of blood!
Pat pulls Zoran up and hurls him into the corner. He follows with a leaping avalanche, but Zoran snakes out of the way to let Pat crash into the corner. Zoran spins Pat around and hammers him with punches with those gloves that have the brass knuckles hidden within.
Zoran pulls Pat’s legs out from under him to leave him sitting in the corner. He runs across the ring to the opposite corner and runs back into a baseball slide drop kick to Pat’s crotch!
Britney: Why is there so much blood? Memaw said this would be sensual wrestling in oil.
Zoran grabs Pat by the top of the head, hitting several knee lifts. He pulls Pat up and motions that he’s going to go for a bodyslam! He kicks Pat behind the knees instead to bring him to his knees and then applies a sleeper hold while sneaking in a rag with chloroform.
Pat the Postman only takes a few seconds before he stands up with Zoran hanging on for dear life with the hold. Pat throws himself backward into the corner to squish Zoran between himself and the corner. This breaks the sleeper hold and the ref grabs away the rag to throw it from the ring.
A bell sounds and Pat the Postman and Zoran Sainovic go to opposite sides of the ring where coconut bikini clad men step into the ring to the hooting and hollering of the fans. They again spray Pat and Zoran down with the mixture of baby oil and extra virgin olive oil until they are well coated and somewhat dripping.
Britney: Glad the crowd is supportive of the men. I know Memaw made them wear something so they wouldn't be topless but I wasn't expecting coconut bikinis.
Zoran runs across the ring and grabs Pat by the arm and tries to whip him across the ring to the ropes, but his hands slip right off Pat’s arm. Pat elbows Zoran in the eye and goes to grab him for a DDT, but Zoran slips right out of his grasp.
Zoran goes to the ref, pointing at his eye where it has already begun to bruise to complain how Pat poked him in the eye. He doesn’t get much sympathy from the ref, but quickly lunges at the ref, and takes him with a hug!
Pat pulls Zoran off of the ref, but doesn’t see that Zoran has grabbed something out of the ref’s pocket. Pat whips Zoran into the ropes. On the rebound, Zoran ducks under a clothesline attempt. He puts on the brakes as Pat turns around and stabs him in the ribcage!
Pat backs away slowly from Zoran, who quickly tosses the small weapon from the ring while the ref’s attention is on Pat. A red splotch appears on Pat’s postman uniform, spreading rather quickly. Pat puts his hand on the wound, blood streaming through his fingers.
Britney: How did that happen?
Zoran grabs the wounded Pat and applies an abdominal stretch while using the ropes to assist his leverage. Pat yelps in pain, blood pouring from his stab wound as Zoran stretches him.
The referee checks to see if Pat will submit, but then notices the rope usage and makes Zoran break the hold. Pat hits a back elbow, grabbing Zoran, and hitting a hip toss to send Zoran toward the middle of the ring.
Pat walks to the center of the ring, pulling Zoran to his feet, but Zoran hits a knee lift to the crotch before dropping Pat with a DDT. Zoran jumps to his feet, pulls out a flask, and dumps it onto Pat’s face! The ref quickly takes the flask and throws it from the ring.
Abby: Baby oil has a Flash Point of 345 degrees Celsius but coconut oil is less than that. I don't know what was poured just now but there’s a strong smell of fuel in the air.
Pat stands up, but is grabbed by Zoran, who goes for an Irish whip. Pat reverses the Irish whip, but Zoran goes straight into the referee, knocking him out.
Zoran turns around from knocking down the ref and sends a fireball straight into Pat’s face!
Britney: Whoa!! FIRE!
Pat the Postman screams as his head is lit on fire. He tugs at the muppet mask, ripping it off, and casting it across the ring. He is wearing a smaller muppet mask underneath. The gloves quickly follow. He turns and looks at Zoran, steaming mad.
He runs at Zoran, who decks him in the mouth with his brass knuckle enhanced fist. Blood and spittle spray from Pat’s real mouth as he staggers backwards and falls to the mat.
Zoran leaps upon the downed Pat, applying a twisting clawhold to the stab wound, bringing out a stream of fresh blood from the wound.
The ref slowly gets to his feet and sees Zoran apply a rolling guillotine choke that makes Pat quickly tap out.
Britney: And Pat taps!
Zoran Sainovic stands up and celebrates his win as the ref signals for EMTs to rush down to the ring as Pat is bleeding all over the mat.
Abby: The winner of this match, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days tournament is "Niño Huracán" Pepe Morales.
The ring is mopped of oil and blood.
Britney: Tonight we crown a loser!
One of the coconut bikini-clad men begins setting up the tables previously used for pies while the other begins removing the top rope from around the ring. A small pedestal is set at ringside with the "crown" atop it.
Abby: Traditionally, Coronations occur several months after the monarch has become the ruler. The one who wears the crown is the one who rules.
Britney: Yes, but that's less fun. Tonight the loser shall wear the crown of shame and pain!
Abby: Blackberry thorns can cause injury.
Britney: Oh, I remember. I'm just as sure that this match will be a memorable one! And here come the wrestlers! The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a quarter-finals match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, hailing from Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland. Representing Destiny Wrestling, "The King of Immortality," MAVERICK!
BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.
BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!
Once the final word is heard, the eyes on the screen turn to red and everything cuts to black, the sounds of "Head Like A Hole" by Nine Inch Nails is heard as all of the house lights continue to stay off, the fans using whatever light source they can use to illuminate in front of them.
HEAD LIKE A HOLE!
BLACK AS YOUR SOUL!
I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL!
The sudden change of lighting on the entrance ramp appears, the light-up jacket of The Prince. Once the bridge of the song kicks in, all of the house lights shine down on Maverick, who looks out to the many in attendance with a smile on his face, he raises his arms up and stands with his arms stretched out wide, he lowers his arms and makes his way down to the ring in a slow manner, taking his time as the chorus of loud cheers rain down on him. Upon making it to ringside, he circles around the ring and hitting the hands of every fan in attendance that reaches out to him. He climbs up the steps and walks along the apron, brushing his feet along the apron before entering through the middle ropes. Maverick springs himself into the corner and roars out to the crowd!
Britney: And his opponent, hailing from London, England. Representing FWA, "The King of Chaos" BRAD SWANN!
'Bohemian Rhapsody' hits the PA as the fans loudly boo in terror. The lights dim black with a spotlight shining lonesomely on the ramp. The venue shakes. Out from the back through clouds of smoke and white strobes arrives King Brad Swann, a white crown upon his head and the FWA Professional Wrestling Championship around his waist. The demonic psychopath slowly strolls down the ramp, hunched over like a gremlin... The single spotlight following his every move. He doesn't look around at the fans, keeping his distance. When he reaches the ringside area he makes a few slow laps of the ring, still just only the spotlight following him.
He eventually walks up the ring steps and enters through the middle rope. The hard cam zooms into his face under the spotlight, the crown shining atop his demonic guise - it slowly pans down to his championship before zooming out. Slowly he raises his arms out, palms stretched, garnering a loud reception from the live crowd that despises his very persona.
[DING DING! DING DING!]
Swann and Maverick eye each other up and down. This is not the first time they've faced off against each other in the ring, and there is plenty of bad blood between them. They exchange a few kicks to the air between them, before locking up! The collar and elbows have been tied! Mav pushes Swann back into the corner, into the solid-gold turnbuckles! Swann's arm just barely grazes the thorns and he jerks it away, a snarl on his face! He pushes Mav away! Mav somersaults backwards and makes it back to his feet as Swann charges him with a headbutt! Mav crumples to the floor fast and Swann stumbles around! He collects his bearings and picks Mav back up, but Maverick's quick to throw a fist right in the face of Swann! He follows with a spinning back elbow! A spinning heel kick! A spinning axe handle! Swann falls under the hurricane of moves Mav has unleashed!
Mav runs the ropes and drops an elbow on Swann. He rolls Swann over and begins to crank an arm back, he's looking for an arm snap! He yanks the arm back with such force everyone gags! It looks like Swann's arm has been popped out of the socket!
Swann holds his arm in pain and rolls away from Mav, who smirks in his handiwork. He grabs the wrist from that same arm, ready to take a page out of his old partner Nathan Santiago's book. He pulls a finger at first, teasing Swann, before Swann sweeps Mav's legs! Mav topples to the floor as Swann gets to his feet. He backs into a corner, slamming his shoulder into it to pop it back into place! Does it really work? Probably not, but for the sake of here and now it will! He gains some motion in his arm, just in time to throw Mav back first into the solid gold turnbuckles! His neck snaps back and he falls holding it, but Swann has eyes on the prize already. He lays some lethal chops into Mav's chest, turning it beet red very quickly!
Mav pushes Swann back and connects a bicycle kick to Swann, before locking him in an Octopus hold! Swann's real tangled up now, and the vines have barely come into play! Swann reaches for the ropes, the ones not wrapped in blueberry vines, to try to break the hold! Mav shimmies him away but Swann uses that free arm to pull himself to the ropes and lock his fist around it! The rope break is official! The ref tells Mav to let go but he refuses! He then begins to count, and at the count of four Mav lets go and holds his hands up, jawing off at the ref.
Britney: It's time to see what they can do and Mav is distracted. No right, no wrong, no avoiding Swann.
Swann steamrolls him with a reverse-Thesz press, raining punches down on Mav. Mav rolls him over, and just lays fists back into Swann. They repeat this for a moment. This isn't like them, like their styles; the bad blood has gone past the boiling point and is pouring all over the ring! In a literal way, as Mav just busted Swann open the hard way! A gash in the wrinkled forehead of the King of Chaos is opened and blood begins to be shed! Swann only uses this as motivation to do the same to Mav! He lays some of the stiffest strikes of his career into Mav and shortly, Mav is bleeding too. The crowd is chanting, 'FIGHT FOREVER!' Swann wipes some of Mav's blood from his head, and paints on his face. The markings of King Demonio.
Britney: They are really testing the limits and breaking through. Mav's howling like his swirling storm inside and this storm is really raging on.
Swann roars and headbutts Mav! Mav stumbles, he bounces into the ropes and gets stuck in the thorns! He cries out as Swann grabs him by the wrist and yanks him away - right into a ripcord lariat! Mav somehow managed to take down Swann, right when he least expected it! He rolls up Demonio, but to no avail! There's no pinfalls or submissions in this match! A referee gets close enough to remind Mav of the rules - only for Swann to roll him up from behind! Swann stands up, ICONKICK! No, Mav knocks his leg away and monkey flips Swann up and over! Swann lands on his feet, only for Mav to deck him with a palm strike to the side of the face!
Swann is slowly recovering on the floor as Mav climbs the ropes. He motions for Swann to get up, AND JUMPS FOR THE FINE ENDING! FINE ENDING! SWANN'S OWN FINISHER! NO, SWANN CATCHES HIM AND HOOKS THE ARMS, HE LIFTS HIM FOR THE IMMORTALITY DRIVER '20! THAT'S A PAGE OUTTA MAV'S BOOK! MAV KNOWS HIS MOVE ALL TOO WELL THOUGH, HE WIGGLES FREE AND SPINS SWANN AROUND FOR THE EXCLUSIVE! NELLY'S FINISHER CONNECTS AS SWANN GETS PLANTED WITH THE FLIPPING MOVE! GOOD GOD! Mav takes a moment to taunt the crowd. That's a mistake though, because Swann sits up like the Undertaker, and he spins Mav around. SOUTH PHILLY STUNNER! SETH DILLINGER'S PATENTED MOVE! IF THEIR OWN MOVES CANNOT PUT EACH OTHER DOWN, MAYBE THEIR GREATEST RIVALS' CAN!
Swann continues the onslaught on Mav. A few soccer kicks to the head and torso to keep Mav reeling. Swann walks over to the edge of the ring, he tells the referee to bring the coronation crown to him! The ref refuses, he says it's the wrestlers job to do the work and he's just there to make the call. Furious, Swann screams at the ref, demanding the crown or else he'll have the ref's head. The ref just shakes his head, says Mongo would in turn have Swann's head if Swann took the life of an XHF personnel. Not that Swann's ever killed anyone or anything. The ref quickly runs away from Swann, and confused, Swann turns back to his opponent.
While Swann was distracted by the ref, Mav was able to recover! And damn near a full recovery he's made! Maverick dropkicks Swann into the spiked ring ropes, where he collapses into them. The ropes snap! SWANN IS WRAPPED IN THORNED VINES AND SCERAMS IN AGONY! THE WHOLE SET OF TOP ROPES HAVE WRAPPED UP AROUND SWANN! Mav, seeing opportunity, rolls under and gingerly picks up the coronation crown. He looks down at Swann, tangled and bloody in the vines. He lifts him up into a kneeling position, AND SLAMS THE CROWN DOWN ON HIS HEAD!
Abby:Remember the win condition states the person wearing the crown losses.
BUT WAIT! Swann breaks free and grabs Mav's wrists, the crown never touched his head! He muscles Mav back, getting to his feet, and suddenly it's a pushing contest to crown the other king! Both go back and forth, trying their damnedest to smack those thorns down, but then Swann kicks Mav right in the Crown Jewels! Mav's face tells the whole story, falling to his knees, and Swann takes the crown back and SLAMS IT DOWN ON MAVERICK'S HEAD! IT'S OVER! SWANN WINS!
DING DING! DING DING!
Britney: I don't care what they're going to say, this coronation did not go to plan. But the past is the past.
Britney: The winner of this match, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days tournament, and true King of Destiny, BRAD SWANN!
Swann falls to his knees, a triumphant grin on his face. Not only has he defeated Mav, but he's proven something to the whole world! We cut to Swann standing tall in the ring with blood pouring from multiple cuts across his body as Mav lays ringside, crown of thorns still embedded in his head, a rain of blood oozing from his skull as we fade to the XHF logo.
The ring is mopped of oil and blood.
Britney: Tonight we crown a loser!
One of the coconut bikini-clad men begins setting up the tables previously used for pies while the other begins removing the top rope from around the ring. A small pedestal is set at ringside with the "crown" atop it.
Abby: Traditionally, Coronations occur several months after the monarch has become the ruler. The one who wears the crown is the one who rules.
Britney: Yes, but that's less fun. Tonight the loser shall wear the crown of shame and pain!
Abby: Blackberry thorns can cause injury.
Britney: Oh, I remember. I'm just as sure that this match will be a memorable one! And here come the wrestlers! The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and is a quarter-finals match for the End of Days Tournament! Introducing first, hailing from Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland. Representing Destiny Wrestling, "The King of Immortality," MAVERICK!
BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE.
BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!
Once the final word is heard, the eyes on the screen turn to red and everything cuts to black, the sounds of "Head Like A Hole" by Nine Inch Nails is heard as all of the house lights continue to stay off, the fans using whatever light source they can use to illuminate in front of them.
HEAD LIKE A HOLE!
BLACK AS YOUR SOUL!
I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL!
The sudden change of lighting on the entrance ramp appears, the light-up jacket of The Prince. Once the bridge of the song kicks in, all of the house lights shine down on Maverick, who looks out to the many in attendance with a smile on his face, he raises his arms up and stands with his arms stretched out wide, he lowers his arms and makes his way down to the ring in a slow manner, taking his time as the chorus of loud cheers rain down on him. Upon making it to ringside, he circles around the ring and hitting the hands of every fan in attendance that reaches out to him. He climbs up the steps and walks along the apron, brushing his feet along the apron before entering through the middle ropes. Maverick springs himself into the corner and roars out to the crowd!
Britney: And his opponent, hailing from London, England. Representing FWA, "The King of Chaos" BRAD SWANN!
'Bohemian Rhapsody' hits the PA as the fans loudly boo in terror. The lights dim black with a spotlight shining lonesomely on the ramp. The venue shakes. Out from the back through clouds of smoke and white strobes arrives King Brad Swann, a white crown upon his head and the FWA Professional Wrestling Championship around his waist. The demonic psychopath slowly strolls down the ramp, hunched over like a gremlin... The single spotlight following his every move. He doesn't look around at the fans, keeping his distance. When he reaches the ringside area he makes a few slow laps of the ring, still just only the spotlight following him.
He eventually walks up the ring steps and enters through the middle rope. The hard cam zooms into his face under the spotlight, the crown shining atop his demonic guise - it slowly pans down to his championship before zooming out. Slowly he raises his arms out, palms stretched, garnering a loud reception from the live crowd that despises his very persona.
[DING DING! DING DING!]
Swann and Maverick eye each other up and down. This is not the first time they've faced off against each other in the ring, and there is plenty of bad blood between them. They exchange a few kicks to the air between them, before locking up! The collar and elbows have been tied! Mav pushes Swann back into the corner, into the solid-gold turnbuckles! Swann's arm just barely grazes the thorns and he jerks it away, a snarl on his face! He pushes Mav away! Mav somersaults backwards and makes it back to his feet as Swann charges him with a headbutt! Mav crumples to the floor fast and Swann stumbles around! He collects his bearings and picks Mav back up, but Maverick's quick to throw a fist right in the face of Swann! He follows with a spinning back elbow! A spinning heel kick! A spinning axe handle! Swann falls under the hurricane of moves Mav has unleashed!
Britney: Wow! They are really letting it go! They're not even trying to hold it back anymore.
Mav runs the ropes and drops an elbow on Swann. He rolls Swann over and begins to crank an arm back, he's looking for an arm snap! He yanks the arm back with such force everyone gags! It looks like Swann's arm has been popped out of the socket!
Britney: Conceal, don't feel! Don't let him know!
Swann holds his arm in pain and rolls away from Mav, who smirks in his handiwork. He grabs the wrist from that same arm, ready to take a page out of his old partner Nathan Santiago's book. He pulls a finger at first, teasing Swann, before Swann sweeps Mav's legs! Mav topples to the floor as Swann gets to his feet. He backs into a corner, slamming his shoulder into it to pop it back into place! Does it really work? Probably not, but for the sake of here and now it will! He gains some motion in his arm, just in time to throw Mav back first into the solid gold turnbuckles! His neck snaps back and he falls holding it, but Swann has eyes on the prize already. He lays some lethal chops into Mav's chest, turning it beet red very quickly!
Britney: This storm is really raging on! Mav's chest looks like a steak ready for the grill.
Britney: I don't want to eat him.
Mav pushes Swann back and connects a bicycle kick to Swann, before locking him in an Octopus hold! Swann's real tangled up now, and the vines have barely come into play! Swann reaches for the ropes, the ones not wrapped in blueberry vines, to try to break the hold! Mav shimmies him away but Swann uses that free arm to pull himself to the ropes and lock his fist around it! The rope break is official! The ref tells Mav to let go but he refuses! He then begins to count, and at the count of four Mav lets go and holds his hands up, jawing off at the ref.
Britney: It's time to see what they can do and Mav is distracted. No right, no wrong, no avoiding Swann.
Swann steamrolls him with a reverse-Thesz press, raining punches down on Mav. Mav rolls him over, and just lays fists back into Swann. They repeat this for a moment. This isn't like them, like their styles; the bad blood has gone past the boiling point and is pouring all over the ring! In a literal way, as Mav just busted Swann open the hard way! A gash in the wrinkled forehead of the King of Chaos is opened and blood begins to be shed! Swann only uses this as motivation to do the same to Mav! He lays some of the stiffest strikes of his career into Mav and shortly, Mav is bleeding too. The crowd is chanting, 'FIGHT FOREVER!' Swann wipes some of Mav's blood from his head, and paints on his face. The markings of King Demonio.
Britney: They are really testing the limits and breaking through. Mav's howling like his swirling storm inside and this storm is really raging on.
Swann roars and headbutts Mav! Mav stumbles, he bounces into the ropes and gets stuck in the thorns! He cries out as Swann grabs him by the wrist and yanks him away - right into a ripcord lariat! Mav somehow managed to take down Swann, right when he least expected it! He rolls up Demonio, but to no avail! There's no pinfalls or submissions in this match! A referee gets close enough to remind Mav of the rules - only for Swann to roll him up from behind! Swann stands up, ICONKICK! No, Mav knocks his leg away and monkey flips Swann up and over! Swann lands on his feet, only for Mav to deck him with a palm strike to the side of the face!
Swann is slowly recovering on the floor as Mav climbs the ropes. He motions for Swann to get up, AND JUMPS FOR THE FINE ENDING! FINE ENDING! SWANN'S OWN FINISHER! NO, SWANN CATCHES HIM AND HOOKS THE ARMS, HE LIFTS HIM FOR THE IMMORTALITY DRIVER '20! THAT'S A PAGE OUTTA MAV'S BOOK! MAV KNOWS HIS MOVE ALL TOO WELL THOUGH, HE WIGGLES FREE AND SPINS SWANN AROUND FOR THE EXCLUSIVE! NELLY'S FINISHER CONNECTS AS SWANN GETS PLANTED WITH THE FLIPPING MOVE! GOOD GOD! Mav takes a moment to taunt the crowd. That's a mistake though, because Swann sits up like the Undertaker, and he spins Mav around. SOUTH PHILLY STUNNER! SETH DILLINGER'S PATENTED MOVE! IF THEIR OWN MOVES CANNOT PUT EACH OTHER DOWN, MAYBE THEIR GREATEST RIVALS' CAN!
Britney: I'm not sure either of them will be able to stand in the light of day after this.
Abby: That's a lot of damage.
Swann continues the onslaught on Mav. A few soccer kicks to the head and torso to keep Mav reeling. Swann walks over to the edge of the ring, he tells the referee to bring the coronation crown to him! The ref refuses, he says it's the wrestlers job to do the work and he's just there to make the call. Furious, Swann screams at the ref, demanding the crown or else he'll have the ref's head. The ref just shakes his head, says Mongo would in turn have Swann's head if Swann took the life of an XHF personnel. Not that Swann's ever killed anyone or anything. The ref quickly runs away from Swann, and confused, Swann turns back to his opponent.
While Swann was distracted by the ref, Mav was able to recover! And damn near a full recovery he's made! Maverick dropkicks Swann into the spiked ring ropes, where he collapses into them. The ropes snap! SWANN IS WRAPPED IN THORNED VINES AND SCERAMS IN AGONY! THE WHOLE SET OF TOP ROPES HAVE WRAPPED UP AROUND SWANN! Mav, seeing opportunity, rolls under and gingerly picks up the coronation crown. He looks down at Swann, tangled and bloody in the vines. He lifts him up into a kneeling position, AND SLAMS THE CROWN DOWN ON HIS HEAD!
Abby:Remember the win condition states the person wearing the crown losses.
BUT WAIT! Swann breaks free and grabs Mav's wrists, the crown never touched his head! He muscles Mav back, getting to his feet, and suddenly it's a pushing contest to crown the other king! Both go back and forth, trying their damnedest to smack those thorns down, but then Swann kicks Mav right in the Crown Jewels! Mav's face tells the whole story, falling to his knees, and Swann takes the crown back and SLAMS IT DOWN ON MAVERICK'S HEAD! IT'S OVER! SWANN WINS!
DING DING! DING DING!
Britney: I don't care what they're going to say, this coronation did not go to plan. But the past is the past.
Abby: Time to let it go.
Britney: The winner of this match, advancing to the Semi-Finals of the End of Days tournament, and true King of Destiny, BRAD SWANN!
Swann falls to his knees, a triumphant grin on his face. Not only has he defeated Mav, but he's proven something to the whole world! We cut to Swann standing tall in the ring with blood pouring from multiple cuts across his body as Mav lays ringside, crown of thorns still embedded in his head, a rain of blood oozing from his skull as we fade to the XHF logo.