Inner Voyage (Not a Christmas Special!) [CDK TBB RP, ROFL]
Dec 24, 2021 22:41:57 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 2 more like this
Post by Curtis D. Kanyon on Dec 24, 2021 22:41:57 GMT -5
**Hospital. Christmas Eve. Inside Zelda Knite.**
*Yes, coming from inside Zelda Knite, but not like that, is a veritable gang of BANG! stars, former president Curtis D. Kanon! Steve Awesome! Tom Cruise dressed as a dog! A bunch of Zeldas! Click here for part 1 true believers! Excelsior!
Our heroes are now traveling through the chest cavity of their universe's Zelda.*
: We've been in here for hours! Didn't we enter her ear? We should be at the brain by now!
: We uh… came into the wrong ear. We have to go with the blood flow.
: Who came up with that?
: My bad, that’s my fault. I didn’t know as much about anatomy as I thought.
: Well yeah, your a woman.
*One of the other Zelda Knite’s smack Steve in the back of the head.*
: It’s okay, we’ll make it. Then we can finally save Zelda and save Christmas.
: How does saving Zelda save Christmas?
: Because she’ll be home in time to visit her–
: No! Stop right there! We’re saving Zelda! And Steve and I are bonding to beat the Crinkly Bottom Boys! We are not also mucking this up with a Christmas special! Whatever Zelda does when we’re done, is all on her own.
: Perhaps she can reunite the triforce and lock away Ganon?
: I don’t know which Christmas special that is, but that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t involve us. Right Steve?
: Well… I mean, I hope it involves me. Who else am I supposed to spend Christmas with?
: YOU FOCUS ON OUR SHITSTORM MATCH RIGHT NOW!
: Okay.
*Just then, the ventilation shaft cover falls off and John McClain sticks his head out.*
: Yippie-kay-yay mother fuckers! Let’s stomp out these blood terrorists and save the Christmas party!
: No! I said no Christmas special!
*Curtis grabs the cover and pushes it agains McClain’s face, forcing him back.*
: You stay in there and leave us alone!
: How did he even get in here?
*Everyone looks around and shrugs.*
: I need a minute. You all stay here, and don’t mention Christmas!
*Curtis exits the bridge of this vessel and heads into his quarters.*
: Bah-humbug.
*Curtis quickly puts his hands over his lips, but it’s too late! There’s a knock at the door and a rattling of chains! The door creeps open and Ron Gibson stands there covered in large chain.*
: Curtis! What’s up fuck face? I’m here to warn you or some junk about ghosts.
: Nuh-uh! Ron, I love that you made it buddy, but I am not getting distracted by this. I have to face one of the greatest threats I’ve ever encountered… and Noel Edmonds.
: Am I still getting paid?
: I assume so?
: Good enough for me.
*Ron leaves as loud clanking is heard. Curtis turns away and stares out of the window of the vessel, looking at the innards of Zelda Knite.*
: For a few glorious minutes, I was across the ring from Blobby. I BANG!ed Blobby at the Swingers Party, and it was pure ecstasy. But my team lost. Zelda got injured, and now we have to save her. And I can’t help but think, was it because I was so obsessed with Blobby? I’ve traveled to other feds to find the perfect match. We fought on waterbeds, we fought in mascot costumes. We figured it out. The triple tier cage with glass and explosions and everything else. Blobby is my white whale, and these are the tools I believe I need to vanquish him.
*Curtis lets out a big sigh.*
: I can’t go on with Blobby living rent free in my head. I’ve got stuff to do. Libraries to build. Caffreys to torment. So I have crafted the perfect match to get out all of my violent aggression on Blobby. And hopefully, I can finally vanquish this vicious beast. If not, at least I will know I’ve done my very best. He is the Hrungnir to my Thor. He has wounded me, but I plan on not letting that stop me. This may be the most violent match I’ve ever been in, and that makes me so damn hard. Metaphorically. Not literally, I haven’t been able to do that since meeting Blobby’s mom.
*Curtis shudders.*
: But I will slash him, I will bash him, I will grease him up. And then I will make him explode. Or maybe he’ll do the same to me. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll do that to Noel. Without a handler, where would Blobby be? How could Blobby survive without Noel to guide him. I’m willing to find out. But that’s plan B. I want to murder the monster myself. It’s the warrior’s way. But, I’m also willing to get dirty.
*Clank, clank, clank.*
: And that’s a deal!
: Thanks Ron. But I’m still not doing the Carol thing.
: I really don’t care. But if you’re against Christmas, you should probably get back to your weirdo friends.
: Oh no!
*Curtis rushes back to the bridge. He opens the door to see Steve playing on a little piano as everyone is dancing to that Christmas Snoopy theme, even Tom Cruise the dog!*
: What is this!?
: “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon th–,”
: STOP! What is wrong with all of you! We’re inside a person!
: Woof woof! Worship Zenu! Woof woof!
: …anyway, we’re supposed to be doing jokes about finding weird shit in here, or getting attacked by white blood cells, or getting melted by stomach acid. What is with all this Christmas stuff?
: Tis the season?
: Blobby and Noel already have that on lock down! We’re doing something different damnit! I will not stoop down to their level!
: Soooo we don’t tell you about the little red blood cell that’s currently light the way for us?
: No, you do not!
: Or the snowman that came to life!
: Definitely not.
: Aw man.
: This is not a Christmas special. This is a beating ass special.
: That’ll get the FCC to kick you off the air, but I’m into it.
: Not like that. We’re going to teach Noel and Blobby a lesson. And Steve and I are supposed to go over how we do that after showing off the Shitstorm 3 trailer. Which now we can’t do until after we’ve cured Zelda Knite.
: We’ve almost arrived to the castle Link!
: Excellent! Let’s just stay focused on the god da–
*The vessel shakes!*
: We’ve been hit!
: Battle stations!
*Someone appears on screen.*
: You really can’t stay!
: But baby it’s cold outside.
Everyone: Zooey Deschanel!?
: What are you doing here. And don’t say re-creating Elf scenes!
: No, of course not silly. I am the goddess of CTE injuries and I am going to make sure Zelda suffers!
: What? Really?
: Yeah, how do you think New Girl was so popular?
: You get out of Zelda’s head you monster!
: Quick, use the official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.
: You’ll shoot your eye out ki– fuck! Stop it!
: I am not leaving! This brain is mine!
: What if we give you two tickets to the red carpet premiere of Shitstorm 3?
: Mmmmm…
: And a starring role in Shitstorm 4?
: Oh, then hell yeah!
: It’s a Christmas miracle!
: Just like when my babies saved the Christmas Icicle and made people believe in Santa again.
*Everyone stops to look at Tom.*
: I mean… arf arf!
: It can’t be that easy.
: Well, you said we need to focus on the match, take the win dawg!
: Yeah, let me get an easy pay day, c’mon.
: Ugh… all right.
*Steve jumps into Curtis’ arms! A bell rings.*
: You know, they say everytime a bell ri–
*Curtis drops Steve.*
: No. Are you ready to focus on Noel and Blobby now.
: As long as we escape Zelda’s body in time!
: We exited two minutes ago.
: Oh. Nevermind.
: Goodbye forever.
: Wha–
*And just like that, Curtis and Steve are teleported out of the vessel. Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome are transported out of the Zelda Knite. They check to make sure they are okay. They look around to find themselves back at the hospital.*
: Well that was a strange adventure.
*Awesome nods.*
: Just once I’d like to have a wacky adventure take place on a beach resort instead of inside my girlfriend.
*Steve shakes his head but then remembers his girlfriend and rushes to her side.*
: Zelda? Can you hear me?
*Nothing but medical machine noises.*
: You can wake up now, babe. We did the thing, we defeated the blood clot goddess Zooey Deschanel and saved the day.
*He nudges her motionless body.*
: We shrunk really small and went inside you. We made a deal with her that is going to make me more money. I know you can wake up Zelda, please, just wake up…
*Tears start to fall from Steve’s face as he lays his head on her hand. Kanyon flicks away a tear looking on.*
: Man, who is cutting onions…
*All of a sudden Zelda made a noise!*
: Ooooo!
*Steve perked up and squeezed Zelda’s hand.*
: Dude, did you hear that? Come on Zelda! You can kick out from this!
: St-st-st
*She stuttered the sound out as her head slowly moved back and forth.*
: Yeah. I’m here, babe. It’s Steve. I’m right here.
*Zelda struggled to move her mouth.*
: St-st-st-oooooo
: What?
*Suddenly Zelda’s eyes popped open and she grabbed Steve by the shirt.*
: STUPID IDIOT!!! I can’t believe you let Dylan Black stomp me like that!
*Zelda starts to slap Steve around in anger and Kanyon just laughs.*
: Well it looks like Zelda Knite is cured. Just in time for us to beat up the Crinkly Bottom Boys and drop this bitchin trailer for Shitstorm 3. Santa’s Been Naughty.
*Kanyon waves as Tom Cruise just stares from the corner.*
: They just magic school bussed there way into another human being but the souls of dead aliens is where people draw the line….I mean Bark bark.
**Fade out.**
**Fade in.**
*The voice of a grizzled chief is heard.*
: Barry Wimbledon. Humble scientist and top cop. We got another mission for you.
*We see the grizzled chief hand Barry (played by Steve Awesome) the file.*
: It’s in the North Pole.
*Cut to Barry packing his bags with his hot wife played by Marissa Tomei.*
: Pack extra socks just in case you step in reindeer poop. I hear it’s humongous.
*Barry just rolls his eyes.*
: This is just a regular mission. It’s not like that.
*They fight and then make out a bit when their precious daughter enters the room with a sheet of paper.*
: Daddy, since your going to the North Pole, would you give Santa my Christmas list?
*He gives a side eye to his chuckling wife and and then smiles and nods at the little girl.*
: Of course sweetheart. If I see the guy, I’ll make sure he gets it.
*Barry hugs his daughter.
Cut to Barry getting off the plane and fade right into a montage of Barry adding an obnoxious amount of attachments to a gun. Each one making the click-clack sound. After all that we fade back into Barry with just a regular sniper up in an elevated position. He has his eye in the scope and raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth.*
: According to the files, I should have the perp in my sights…
*The scope lands on a big fat man with a big white beard and a red coat. He was surrounded by a few reindeer and a couple elves.*
: Oh you have got to be kidding me!
*Cut to Barry on the phone.*
: Chief. I can’t assassinate Santa Claus.
*The grizzled voice of the chief comes through the phone.*
: That’s not Santa. That’s a wanted criminal.
*Barry shakes his head.*
: Either that’s Santa, or ZZ Top are playing at the North Pole.
*“La Grange” starts to play.
Barry has Santa (played by Kanyon) corner. Santa pleads to Barry.*
: It wasn’t me! I was framed! Now I’m wanted by the mob and the CIA! This is ho-ho-horrible!
*Cut to Santa with his hands up caught between the mob and the cia. Weapons drawn. All of a sudden Barry bursts through the wall in a monster truck and takes out everyone at once.*
: Barry! You came back for me!
*Barry reaches out and grabs Santa’s hand and pulls him into the truck.*
: Jingle all the way, Brother.
*You can hear the grizzled voice of the chief once again.&
: I can’t believe you’d go against the mob and your own agency like this Wimbledon.
: I have to sir. Santa is innocent!
: What a shitstorm you’ve gotten yourself into. Haven’t you learned by now, Barry?
: I guess they say Third times the charm.
*Cut to Barry and Santa getting a bunch of weapons, loading them and putting them in holsters.*
: I don’t know Barry, Santa has never held a gun before.
: You want to clear your name right? Now’s your chance.
*Santa nods his head and cocks a shotgun.*
: I guess Santa has to get naughty.
*Barry and Santa both kick up a door to a big building and run inside as *
*Flashes on the screen. Cut to the Chief's office*
Chief: One more thing Barry, Santa... you two can't do this without your new partner.
*Tom Cruise dressed as a dog enters.*
: Looks like things just got...
: Ruff!
*"Coming to a theatre near you" flashes on screen.*
**Fade out.**
*Yes, coming from inside Zelda Knite, but not like that, is a veritable gang of BANG! stars, former president Curtis D. Kanon! Steve Awesome! Tom Cruise dressed as a dog! A bunch of Zeldas! Click here for part 1 true believers! Excelsior!
Our heroes are now traveling through the chest cavity of their universe's Zelda.*
: We've been in here for hours! Didn't we enter her ear? We should be at the brain by now!: We uh… came into the wrong ear. We have to go with the blood flow.: Who came up with that?: My bad, that’s my fault. I didn’t know as much about anatomy as I thought.: Well yeah, your a woman.*One of the other Zelda Knite’s smack Steve in the back of the head.*
: It’s okay, we’ll make it. Then we can finally save Zelda and save Christmas.: How does saving Zelda save Christmas?: Because she’ll be home in time to visit her–: No! Stop right there! We’re saving Zelda! And Steve and I are bonding to beat the Crinkly Bottom Boys! We are not also mucking this up with a Christmas special! Whatever Zelda does when we’re done, is all on her own.: Perhaps she can reunite the triforce and lock away Ganon?: I don’t know which Christmas special that is, but that’s fine, as long as it doesn’t involve us. Right Steve?: Well… I mean, I hope it involves me. Who else am I supposed to spend Christmas with?: YOU FOCUS ON OUR SHITSTORM MATCH RIGHT NOW!: Okay.*Just then, the ventilation shaft cover falls off and John McClain sticks his head out.*
: Yippie-kay-yay mother fuckers! Let’s stomp out these blood terrorists and save the Christmas party!: No! I said no Christmas special!*Curtis grabs the cover and pushes it agains McClain’s face, forcing him back.*
: You stay in there and leave us alone!: How did he even get in here?*Everyone looks around and shrugs.*
: I need a minute. You all stay here, and don’t mention Christmas!*Curtis exits the bridge of this vessel and heads into his quarters.*
: Bah-humbug.*Curtis quickly puts his hands over his lips, but it’s too late! There’s a knock at the door and a rattling of chains! The door creeps open and Ron Gibson stands there covered in large chain.*
: Curtis! What’s up fuck face? I’m here to warn you or some junk about ghosts.: Nuh-uh! Ron, I love that you made it buddy, but I am not getting distracted by this. I have to face one of the greatest threats I’ve ever encountered… and Noel Edmonds.: Am I still getting paid?: I assume so?: Good enough for me.*Ron leaves as loud clanking is heard. Curtis turns away and stares out of the window of the vessel, looking at the innards of Zelda Knite.*
: For a few glorious minutes, I was across the ring from Blobby. I BANG!ed Blobby at the Swingers Party, and it was pure ecstasy. But my team lost. Zelda got injured, and now we have to save her. And I can’t help but think, was it because I was so obsessed with Blobby? I’ve traveled to other feds to find the perfect match. We fought on waterbeds, we fought in mascot costumes. We figured it out. The triple tier cage with glass and explosions and everything else. Blobby is my white whale, and these are the tools I believe I need to vanquish him.*Curtis lets out a big sigh.*
: I can’t go on with Blobby living rent free in my head. I’ve got stuff to do. Libraries to build. Caffreys to torment. So I have crafted the perfect match to get out all of my violent aggression on Blobby. And hopefully, I can finally vanquish this vicious beast. If not, at least I will know I’ve done my very best. He is the Hrungnir to my Thor. He has wounded me, but I plan on not letting that stop me. This may be the most violent match I’ve ever been in, and that makes me so damn hard. Metaphorically. Not literally, I haven’t been able to do that since meeting Blobby’s mom.*Curtis shudders.*
: But I will slash him, I will bash him, I will grease him up. And then I will make him explode. Or maybe he’ll do the same to me. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll do that to Noel. Without a handler, where would Blobby be? How could Blobby survive without Noel to guide him. I’m willing to find out. But that’s plan B. I want to murder the monster myself. It’s the warrior’s way. But, I’m also willing to get dirty.*Clank, clank, clank.*
: And that’s a deal!: Thanks Ron. But I’m still not doing the Carol thing.: I really don’t care. But if you’re against Christmas, you should probably get back to your weirdo friends.: Oh no!*Curtis rushes back to the bridge. He opens the door to see Steve playing on a little piano as everyone is dancing to that Christmas Snoopy theme, even Tom Cruise the dog!*
: What is this!?: “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon th–,”: STOP! What is wrong with all of you! We’re inside a person!: Woof woof! Worship Zenu! Woof woof!: …anyway, we’re supposed to be doing jokes about finding weird shit in here, or getting attacked by white blood cells, or getting melted by stomach acid. What is with all this Christmas stuff?: Tis the season?: Blobby and Noel already have that on lock down! We’re doing something different damnit! I will not stoop down to their level!: Soooo we don’t tell you about the little red blood cell that’s currently light the way for us?: No, you do not!: Or the snowman that came to life!: Definitely not.: Aw man.: This is not a Christmas special. This is a beating ass special.: That’ll get the FCC to kick you off the air, but I’m into it.: Not like that. We’re going to teach Noel and Blobby a lesson. And Steve and I are supposed to go over how we do that after showing off the Shitstorm 3 trailer. Which now we can’t do until after we’ve cured Zelda Knite.: We’ve almost arrived to the castle Link!: Excellent! Let’s just stay focused on the god da–*The vessel shakes!*
: We’ve been hit!: Battle stations!*Someone appears on screen.*
: You really can’t stay!: But baby it’s cold outside.Everyone: Zooey Deschanel!?
: What are you doing here. And don’t say re-creating Elf scenes!: No, of course not silly. I am the goddess of CTE injuries and I am going to make sure Zelda suffers!: What? Really?: Yeah, how do you think New Girl was so popular?: You get out of Zelda’s head you monster!: Quick, use the official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time.: You’ll shoot your eye out ki– fuck! Stop it!: I am not leaving! This brain is mine!: What if we give you two tickets to the red carpet premiere of Shitstorm 3?: Mmmmm…: And a starring role in Shitstorm 4?: Oh, then hell yeah!: It’s a Christmas miracle!: Just like when my babies saved the Christmas Icicle and made people believe in Santa again.*Everyone stops to look at Tom.*
: I mean… arf arf!: It can’t be that easy.: Well, you said we need to focus on the match, take the win dawg!: Yeah, let me get an easy pay day, c’mon.: Ugh… all right.*Steve jumps into Curtis’ arms! A bell rings.*
: You know, they say everytime a bell ri–*Curtis drops Steve.*
: No. Are you ready to focus on Noel and Blobby now.: As long as we escape Zelda’s body in time!: We exited two minutes ago.: Oh. Nevermind.: Goodbye forever.: Wha–*And just like that, Curtis and Steve are teleported out of the vessel. Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome are transported out of the Zelda Knite. They check to make sure they are okay. They look around to find themselves back at the hospital.*
: Well that was a strange adventure.*Awesome nods.*
: Just once I’d like to have a wacky adventure take place on a beach resort instead of inside my girlfriend.*Steve shakes his head but then remembers his girlfriend and rushes to her side.*
: Zelda? Can you hear me?*Nothing but medical machine noises.*
: You can wake up now, babe. We did the thing, we defeated the blood clot goddess Zooey Deschanel and saved the day.*He nudges her motionless body.*
: We shrunk really small and went inside you. We made a deal with her that is going to make me more money. I know you can wake up Zelda, please, just wake up…*Tears start to fall from Steve’s face as he lays his head on her hand. Kanyon flicks away a tear looking on.*
: Man, who is cutting onions…*All of a sudden Zelda made a noise!*
: Ooooo!*Steve perked up and squeezed Zelda’s hand.*
: Dude, did you hear that? Come on Zelda! You can kick out from this!: St-st-st*She stuttered the sound out as her head slowly moved back and forth.*
: Yeah. I’m here, babe. It’s Steve. I’m right here.*Zelda struggled to move her mouth.*
: St-st-st-oooooo: What?*Suddenly Zelda’s eyes popped open and she grabbed Steve by the shirt.*
: STUPID IDIOT!!! I can’t believe you let Dylan Black stomp me like that!*Zelda starts to slap Steve around in anger and Kanyon just laughs.*
: Well it looks like Zelda Knite is cured. Just in time for us to beat up the Crinkly Bottom Boys and drop this bitchin trailer for Shitstorm 3. Santa’s Been Naughty.*Kanyon waves as Tom Cruise just stares from the corner.*
: They just magic school bussed there way into another human being but the souls of dead aliens is where people draw the line….I mean Bark bark.**Fade out.**
**Fade in.**
“Awesome Productions Presents…”
Shitstorm 3! Santa’s Been Naughty!
*The voice of a grizzled chief is heard.*
: Barry Wimbledon. Humble scientist and top cop. We got another mission for you.*We see the grizzled chief hand Barry (played by Steve Awesome) the file.*
: It’s in the North Pole.*Cut to Barry packing his bags with his hot wife played by Marissa Tomei.*
: Pack extra socks just in case you step in reindeer poop. I hear it’s humongous.*Barry just rolls his eyes.*
: This is just a regular mission. It’s not like that.*They fight and then make out a bit when their precious daughter enters the room with a sheet of paper.*
: Daddy, since your going to the North Pole, would you give Santa my Christmas list?*He gives a side eye to his chuckling wife and and then smiles and nods at the little girl.*
: Of course sweetheart. If I see the guy, I’ll make sure he gets it.*Barry hugs his daughter.
Cut to Barry getting off the plane and fade right into a montage of Barry adding an obnoxious amount of attachments to a gun. Each one making the click-clack sound. After all that we fade back into Barry with just a regular sniper up in an elevated position. He has his eye in the scope and raises a walkie-talkie to his mouth.*
: According to the files, I should have the perp in my sights…*The scope lands on a big fat man with a big white beard and a red coat. He was surrounded by a few reindeer and a couple elves.*
: Oh you have got to be kidding me!*Cut to Barry on the phone.*
: Chief. I can’t assassinate Santa Claus.*The grizzled voice of the chief comes through the phone.*
: That’s not Santa. That’s a wanted criminal.*Barry shakes his head.*
: Either that’s Santa, or ZZ Top are playing at the North Pole.*“La Grange” starts to play.
Barry has Santa (played by Kanyon) corner. Santa pleads to Barry.*
: It wasn’t me! I was framed! Now I’m wanted by the mob and the CIA! This is ho-ho-horrible!*Cut to Santa with his hands up caught between the mob and the cia. Weapons drawn. All of a sudden Barry bursts through the wall in a monster truck and takes out everyone at once.*
: Barry! You came back for me!*Barry reaches out and grabs Santa’s hand and pulls him into the truck.*
: Jingle all the way, Brother.*You can hear the grizzled voice of the chief once again.&
: I can’t believe you’d go against the mob and your own agency like this Wimbledon.: I have to sir. Santa is innocent!: What a shitstorm you’ve gotten yourself into. Haven’t you learned by now, Barry?: I guess they say Third times the charm.*Cut to Barry and Santa getting a bunch of weapons, loading them and putting them in holsters.*
: I don’t know Barry, Santa has never held a gun before.: You want to clear your name right? Now’s your chance.*Santa nods his head and cocks a shotgun.*
: I guess Santa has to get naughty.*Barry and Santa both kick up a door to a big building and run inside as *
SHITSTORM 3: SANTAS BEEN NAUGHTY
*Flashes on the screen. Cut to the Chief's office*
Chief: One more thing Barry, Santa... you two can't do this without your new partner.
*Tom Cruise dressed as a dog enters.*
: Looks like things just got...: Ruff!*"Coming to a theatre near you" flashes on screen.*
**Fade out.**
