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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 22, 2022 12:04:32 GMT -5
The cameras open up on a packed auditorium. They pan around the room and we see: - Anthony Caffrey gives a wave to the crowd as he turns from his table and seems to mouth 'I love you, Philly' into the camera. - Steve Awesome and Kanyon have already hit the shots as they clink glasses and send whatever vile spirit they contained down their hatches. - Eddie Walker smiles as the camera passes The Guardians table - Mr Blobby is caught, mid-mouthful, demolishing the table placeholders as we cut to: The stage heads up the room, a podium and mic taking the center. "My Name is Human" by Highly Suspect rings out across the auditorium speakers and Cross Recoba, tuxed up, walks out from the back. He stands at the head of the podium. Cross Recoba: Welcome to the 2021 XHF NETWORK AWARDS!!! A rapture of applause rings out. Cross Recoba: The past year has seen many changes and additions to the Network. We saw the loss of longstanding companies such as FWA, AWF, and ... Recoba pauses for effect, knowing that he doesn't need to say the other company but he will anyway. Cross Recoba: SWAT... A ripple of boos breaks out at the mention of the fed. Cross Recoba: We've also seen some great additions to the Network alongside some terrific achievements, and tonight, we honor them! The ripple of boos is now a unamimous round of applause. Cross Recoba: Our first award is the Rags to Riches award. Last year we saw Dylan Black walk away with the win after transforming from a greasy haired hobbit creature into ...a greasy haired hobbit creature with a belt! Now, without further ado... In third place... {Third Place} Mr Blobby Cross Recoba: In second place... {Second Place} Ricardo Goon Cross opens up the envelope. Cross Recoba: The recipient of the 2021 XHF Rags to Riches award is... Cross looks shocked. Cross Recoba: Well, that gives me time to take a smoke break. Come on up and give us a short speech...
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Kira Izumi
J-ROK Staff
XHF's Resident Weeb
Posts: 5,920
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Post by Kira Izumi on Jan 22, 2022 12:27:24 GMT -5
Kira Izumi comes out from the audience, a bit surprised his name was mentioned. He walks up the stairs and waves his hand before talking into the microphone.
Kira Izumi: "A three way tie, huh?"
Kira Izumi: "Honestly i'm a bit shocked i's was nominated, much less one've the three winners for this award. I'd like ta dedicate this ta my beautiful wife an' daughter. I'm gonna make damned sure that 2022 is my year, an' i'll make damn sure ta win gold this year. Whether it be the XHF Tag Team titles or the top prize in the greatest fed on the network. Ain't no body gonna stop me now, because they'll have ta die tryin'. Thank ya, fuck mongo an' have a great rest'a yer night!"
He raises his award up in the air with a smile on his face, going back down to his seat alongside his wife and daughter.
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Post by Vodka Fizz on Jan 22, 2022 17:49:51 GMT -5
Vodka Fizz saunters out of the crowd and up to the podium.
Vodka: Rags to Riches, huh? I'm... Honored, I guess? 2021 was a good year for your boy Vodka, and 2022 is going to be even better. I do wish I wasn;t sharing this honor with Fuckboy Jr, but you can't win 'em all right? Joking aside, congrats to the other winners, and tip your waitresses. Peace.
With that, Vodka raises the award above his head, and leaves the stage.
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Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jan 23, 2022 15:29:06 GMT -5
Evan does a pimp walk down the aisle as the rest of the boys boo and jeer him. He steps up on stage and holds out his arms to soak in their hate. Valentine walks over and takes the trophy.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Yo.
The boos drown him out as he tries to speak and he steps away from the podium for a moment, shaking his head.
Evan Valentine Jr.: I ain't exactly sure how I went from Rags to Riches, when my old crib was way nicer than the Fireside arena where only the curtain jerkers get hot water, and you gotta keep your gear in a plastic bag so it don't get rat urine on it. But I get the sentiment. Ya'll admitting you was wrong about The Kid, and that's touching...
Evan's colleagues boo, and he tries to talk over them.
Evan Valentine Jr.: ...so I wanna dedicate this to my Dad, who if it wasn't for him, ya'll would be hustling memberships to fat guys at the Planet Fitness desk or working off your rehab bills mopping up at some sober living housing. Thank you.
Someone throws a cup up onto the stage.
Evan Valentine Jr.: Saw that, Voddy.
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 24, 2022 15:35:33 GMT -5
With Evan Valentine Jr. having left the stage, Cross comes back onto the stage and it looks as if he has even managed to have a shave and wardrobe change during the speeches. Cross Recoba: Well, we're back and onto the next award. The screen switches up to show text behind Recoba: XHF ROOKIE OF THE YEAR 2022
Cross Recoba: Next up we have one of the most hotly anticipated awards on the ballot. The Rookie of the year award is where we look at who debuted on the XHF Network in 2021 and took the world by storm. Maybe you went undefeated, or even lost just one match, but still IT'S NOT ENOUGH!! Recoba catches himself and smiles apologetically. Cross Recoba: Or you maybe stood out from the crowd and upset a lot of predictions in the Rumble or captured a company's top gold within months of your arrival....if you're lucky to even get a shot. The camera catches the cynical look in Cross' expression. Cross Recoba: I can tell you that the Vegas line for this award has been red-hot since the ballots opened so shall we find out who not only graced us with their presence in 2021 but shone so brightly that they'll be rewarded for their efforts? In third place.... {Spoiler}Mr Blobby Cross Recoba: In second place!... {Spoiler}Nathan Cage Cross Recoba: THE WINNER OF THE 2022 XHF ROOKIE OF THE YEAR IS... {Spoiler} Cross Recoba: Do please try to at least keep the audience awake when you make your speech...
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Post by Kris on Jan 24, 2022 17:17:04 GMT -5
With the FIRESIDE World Championship strapped around her waist, Natalie Burrows emerges from the crowd in a nicely-tailored pantsuit to a warm reception. The Southern Belle moves smoothly up the stairs and accepts her award.
Natalie Burrows: It feels kind of odd to receive a rookie of the year award when I've been wrestling for over a decade now, to be honest... but I appreciate the honor all the same. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Here's to making 2022 even more noteworthy than 2021!
Natalie steps away from the microphone and bows as a gesture of appreciation before she heads backstage.
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Post by Donzig on Jan 24, 2022 17:43:28 GMT -5
After a long pause, Donzig walks onto stage wearing a suit. But he still has on his mask as he crosses the stage to take his award, staring at it before he shrugs. Then he pulls off the mask before he reaches into his jacket, producing a thick pile of cards before looking down at them. He arches a brow, clears his throat and speaks.
Donzig: I will attempt to be brief, but you all know how I love the sound of my own voice.
The award tucked under an arm, he riffles through the note cards before he leans forward.
Donzig: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair...
The audience blinks, and then groans. Donzig pauses, staring before he tosses the cards into the air before holding up the award.
Donzig: Thank you.
Exit stage left.
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 24, 2022 17:56:03 GMT -5
Once more approaching the stage, Cross coughs to clear his throat. Cross Recoba: Thank you...Donzig. You make hosting a lot easier for me when you go and bore the Dickens out of people. Recoba shakes his head witheringly. Cross Recoba: Anyways, it's time for our next award... XHF KEY TO THE NETWORK AWARD 2022 Cross Recoba: This award is given to the individual who the fans want to see win the most, they side with them and nothing can sway them from cheering for them the loudest. In short, this award is like a Golden Globe, only far cheaper to buy... Recoba pauses for effect. Cross Recoba: Third in our ballot... {Spoiler}Adrien Cochrane Cross Recoba: That's a shame, I was pulling for him obviously...in second place!! {Spoiler}Myojin Cross Recoba: FIRESIDE unlucky to miss out on the award unless this envelope contains another of their roster...and they ballot stuff... Recoba opens the envelope. Cross Recoba: The recipient of the 2022 XHF Key to the Network award is... {Spoiler} Cross Recoba: Congratulations, come and give us a few words... Recoba steps away from the podium and awaits the winner to shake his hand.
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bloodiedfox
Special GUNS Acess
Fox. King. Cryptid. Stoner. Ripper. Cult. Skeleton.
Posts: 915
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Post by bloodiedfox on Jan 24, 2022 18:08:18 GMT -5
Bloodied Fox, looking immaculate in black suit and red tie, makes his way up onto the stage. He shakes Recoba's proffered hand and then steps up to the mic, looking a little flustered.
Fuck, I honestly don't know what to say. It's been a strange year between AWF folding, touring with the Junior Heavyweight title, and joining NLW, but I think winning this shows it was a worthwhile journey. I just want to say thank you to all my opponents for driving me to improve; except Donzig because fuck you. Thank you to the fans both who risked their health to watch us live and who stayed safe at home. Most importantly, thank you to my husband Brendan. I couldn't have done any of this without you; I love you.
On that sappy note, he raises his award and then exits stage right.
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 24, 2022 18:19:35 GMT -5
Smiling as he watches the proud figure of Bloodied Fox make his way offstage, Cross once more assumes the position of Master of Ceremonies. Cross Recoba: It really is hard to hate on someone when they're like Bloodied Fox. Trust me, I've tried it. Recoba adjusts his notes. Cross Recoba: Of course, for there to be good in the world, evil needs to exist and that's what our next award is all about. It can only mean that we're talking about it, you know it, no - not the best promo spotlight or the attention the media demand of you during Rumble season, I mean... 2022 XHF NETWORK KINGPIN AWARD Cross Recoba: This award is always closely contested. After all, will people go for those with nuance, suaveness, agility of mind and do the right thing and finally admit I own this award? The crowd laugh, Cross styles it out as a joke - barely. Cross Recoba: Or will they instead go for the kind of machinations that even Dick Dastardly would think crass and obvious? Getting on the podium but in third place... {Spoiler}Lord Dominicus and Anthony Caffrey Cross Recoba: Unlucky, turning up as the perfect villains for a month where Veganuary is a thing. In second place... {Spoiler}Dylan Black Cross Recoba: What a turn-up for the books that is! Almost as if you fans are fickle glory-hunters. Anyways, YOUR WINNER OF THE XHF KINGPIN AWARD... {Spoiler} Cross Recoba: Congratulations, you're this year's Adrien Cochrane...just less evil. Come tell us about it!
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Post by Jonnie Valentine on Jan 25, 2022 1:14:31 GMT -5
(New Money's section jumps up and down in jubilation, but Evan Valentine Jr. stares ahead in disbelief. As the theater boos El Rey shakes Evan's shoulders, but Evan barely moves. After some internal dialogue, Evan makes his way to the stage carrying his Rags to Riches trophy but seems almost disoriented. He walks up on stage and takes the trophy from Cross Recoba and then takes a few moments to collect himself)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Wow... I...
(El Rey and Lance Valentine Jr. "woo" from the crowd but that is quickly drowned out by the boos from The Boys)
Evan Valentine: This means more to me than winning the X Crown, I never...
(Evan's eyes well up but he pushes it back down like a real man does)
Evan Valentine Jr.: I just wanna thank all a ya'll. I know I bark alot but trust that deep down...I hate every single one of you so much. (chokes up) I mean, I really do.
(Camera cuts to several wrestlers and talent in the crowd looking uncomfortable)
Evan Valentine Jr.: Like not in a "Oooh, I hate you so much that everyone should come down to the Raleigh Fairgrounds and see me give ya a knuckle sandwich" kinda way but like...I cannot wait for every single person in this audience, including referees, office guys; to no show a spot show in Grand Rapids, and for them to find you dead in your motel room.
(Stage hands begin cueing Cross Recoba to get Evan off stage)
Evan Valentine Jr.: (so happy he's getting emotional) And when the dirtsheets ask me for a statement, I will bury all of you. I will name names, I will expose who got together on the road, and I will make sure what should be a solemn day, will be your family members denying my allegations.
(There's an awkward cough that cuts the silence in the auditorium)
Evan Valentine Jr.: And I'm young. I will outlive, (points around) all of you. In closing, I would like to thank myself.
(Evan, who seems to be having an out of body experience, holds up both trophies. New Money stands up and applauds as the rest of the audience sits on their hands. Evan Valentine Jr. wipes a tear and walks off the stage to roaring silence)
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 25, 2022 13:17:29 GMT -5
With the now dual-winning Evan Valentine Jr. having left the stage, Cross steps back up. Cross Recoba: With the effective Homecoming awards now having been given out, we can move into a category that goes beyond the ring. XHF PLATINUM AWARD 2022 Cross Recoba: A wrestler's theme song can illicit emotion like no other music can. With a note or a snare hit, fans are attuned to reacting to the entrance music of a wrestler with adulation or pure unfiltered hatred. Take last year's winner, "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit, no other song on the Network managed to be so groan-inducing, so reminiscent of a time we'd all rather forget, that it absolutely stormed the voting ballots. Let's see if this year is any different... Recoba opens up the first envelope. Cross Recoba: In third place... {Spoiler}"Boilermaker" by Royal Blood Cross Recoba: A solid choice but this year a solid choice will only get you so far. In second place... {Spoiler}"Keffka" by FalKKonE Cross Recoba: Meaning that this year's XHF Platinum Award winner is... {Spoiler} Cross Recoba: Oh dear fuck...
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 25, 2022 13:24:10 GMT -5
After several moments it becomes clear that neither Mr Blobby nor Noel Edmonds is heading to the stage. The triumphant music that had been playing to accompany the winners suddenly stops abruptly.
The cameras cut to the DJ booth where we see that the DJ for the night has been yeeted into oblivion by none other than Mr Blobby!
The crowd cheer wildly as they watch him manhandle and disable the DJ from his duties.
He racks up a fat rail of sherbert atop the mixer and snorts it like a champ, or Lindsay Lohan on a Tuesday night.
Blobby raises his hands as he lifts his snow-covered face.
Mr Blobby: BLOBBBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then he starts to point at himself like he is Rob Van Dam and it is still 1998.
Mr Blobby: BLOB! BLOB! BLOBBY!!!!!
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 25, 2022 13:52:45 GMT -5
The cameras cut back from Mr Blobby to the podium where Cross is left shaking his head. Cross Recoba (under his breath): Mongo's going to kill him, he wanted to ask that DJ to do a birthday party or something... Recoba clocks that he is back on camera. Cross Recoba: So after that absurd debacle, we move onto more serious matters. Which, after witnessing that, could be imagining Vincent Draven at a nu-rave night...
XHF TAG-TEAM OF THE YEAR Cross Recoba: Whilst not as prevalent as its heyday in the territories, tag-team wrestling provides some of the fastest and greatest excitement on a professional wrestling show. If you look at all the greats and the soon-to-be legends, they have all been in tag-teams. High Finance had myself, LGBTKO featured two AWF Prestige Champions and The Purple Emperors...they had Radu... Anthony Caffrey can be seen to just shake his head at the joke. Cross Recoba: With the ballots opening with the End of Days Tag-Team Annihilator still fresh in the minds, this year's ballot was fiercely contested. Cross opens the first envelope. Cross Recoba: In third place... {Spoiler}The Goons Cross Recoba: Our runners-up... {Spoiler}The Bang Bros Cross Recoba: Meaning, the 2021 XHF Tag-Team of the Year is... {Spoiler} Cross Recoba (Pleading): Please can we just get a normal speech...
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Post by Cross Recoba on Jan 25, 2022 14:22:49 GMT -5
Having been dragged away from the DJ booth, Blobby joins his fellow Crinkly Bottom Boy, Noel Edmonds, as they ascend the stairs. Blobby rushes to the microphone but Edmonds 'accidentally' drops a bag of sherbert on the floor.
Noel Edmonds: I'll take this from here, Blob, you got the last one...
Edmonds surveys the scene and lifts his award up as he speaks.
Noel Edmonds: Firstly, can I just say...about bloody time!!
The crowd start to boo.
Noel Edmonds: I'd like to take this matter to raise a plight that means a lot to me and needs to be highlighted on such a grand and wide-reaching stage. Namely, that of the whales...I'd like to see every single whale wiped off the earth!
More booing.
Noel Edmonds: People keep on telling us all that whales are intelligent but they're not, they're bloody stupid! When was the last time you saw a song written by a whale on the Billboard Top 100? Go on, name one! Name a whale who has written the equivalent of 'Hamlet' or 'Farenheit 451', I'll wait! They've produced nothing in the way of culture, literature or learning. All they've produced is more bloody whales and all they eat is plankton and yet all those Save the Whales types call them intelligent? Can you imagine just floating around with your mouth open eating nothing but plankton? Not you, Subject 42!!
The giant seems to ignore the jibe.
Noel Edmonds: You'd like that, wouldn't you? And you can't, they're such dicks they can't even breathe underwater! They have to come up the whole time and spouting. Then some bloke who has never known a day's work goes on television and says "Save the Whales before mankind wipes him out!". Well, during the war did you see a whale come to the aid of the Allies? Didn't notice many of them saying "Save Britain! Save America!" did you? I certainly didn't see any with a Union Jack saying "Let's get Hitler!" They were doing fuck all! Just swimming around the sea sucking plankton down! Maybe they were Nazis, maybe they spent all their time at the Nuremberg rallies....well that doesn't make them more intelligent because Hitler lost!
The crowd just look bemused. Edmonds sheepishly reframes as he raises the award once more...
Noel Edmonds: Thank you!
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