Junior Heavyweight Championship Match V: The Final Frontier
Jan 19, 2024 20:58:57 GMT -5
Dave D-Flipz, Jack Diamond, and 2 more like this
Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Jan 19, 2024 20:58:57 GMT -5
ENDING T
*It’s Battle for Hegemony, inside Dinosaur Bones’ stomach- but also not because Dinosaur Bones has been summoned. The dracolich has convinced the Murder Hobo Express that the only way to escape his tar-filled stomach would be to re-enter his stomach through his mouth in a paradox worthy of The Next Generation’s episode “Cause and Effect” (featuring Kelsey Grammer!). The heroes one-by-one do the opposite of what they were planning that day. Well, all but one.*
Trekker: I’d rather take my chances with the ooze!
*Paramount+’s Star Trekker looks around and sees a mostly-constructed hot air balloon made out of the skin of the mosasaurus that had previously been threatening everyone.*
Trekker: …Or that.
*She quickly runs to the makeshift escape vehicle as tar begins to reach the top of the spire. Quickly she makes the necessary adjustments and begins to take off into the unknown. Dinosaur Bones gives her a stinky side-eye because she refused to be eaten again.*
Trekker: Haha! Beam me up…prehistoric carcass!
*As the balloon carries her higher and higher the scene wavy-fades into a black and white room. Actually the room isn’t monotone, the whole scene is. Slowly the Star Trekker opens her eyes as she lies in her bed. Sitting watch over her are Lord Dominicus and Big Bone.*
Trekker: Oh man, I had the weirdest dream. I defended against a surfer at Battle for Hegemony and then I went into Dinosaur Bones and fought a pacifist there.
*She looks at the two members of Bad to the Bone sitting over her.*
Trekker: And you! You weren’t there! And neither were you.
*Her eyes slowly move to Dinosaur Bones, also looking at her. She points at the monster/fed*
Trekker: But you were there!
*The other two look at where she’s pointing, but there’s nobody there.*
LD: Uh yeeeeaaaaahh…so you got a concussion in your surfer match.
Trekker: So you admit that I am the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!
LD: I said nothing of the sort. You also probably slept with that awful crocodile man.
Trekker: Uggggggghhhh, not agai- for the first time.
*She bites her bottom lip before she gives any more information.*
Trekker: So wait, why are you two hovering over me? I thought you didn’t like me.
LD: Huh? Oh, slow day at the office.
Trekker: Don’t you have stuff to do for W:UK? Something nefarious or whatever?
*Oh he forgot about that. The DARK LORD OF THE AMERICAN-TOURING ENGLISH FED snaps his fingers.*
LD: Oh that’s right!
BB: Puedes hacerlo tú mismo, ya he tenido suficiente de "You-know-who" para toda la vida.
LD: Yes, I also hate Marty Donovan, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t work for WUK.
*Big Bones just shakes his head as the Star Trekker falls back into her pillow to contemplate how to handle possibly banging Florida Man again.*
*As feminine groans are heard a graphic on the screen tells us that we are in Yosemite National Park. It’s clearly somewhere filled with nature as we stare at the side of a rock face. The groans continue as soon a familiar figure claws her way up*
Trekker: Oof, how the f was Shatner able to do this!?
*The otherwise peaceful scene of a woman climbing while surrounded by nature is somewhat muddled by her constant groans, pants, and under-the-breath curses. The camera holds the scene for as long as it takes her to crawl past. Afterwards we do a quick cut to Parmount+’s the Star Trekker sitting at a camp on the top of the mountain, with other mountains in view. She sits on a rock and looks at the camera.*
Trekker: Ancient Alien, you don’t belong in this match. Actually, this whole match doesn’t really make any sense in terms of placement. Like what is this supposed to be? I’m going to fight an old foe from GUNS- that’s prime for “The Voyage Home”- but that’s movie number four and my fourth match for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship was at Battle for Hegemony!
*She seems surprisingly distressed by this.*
Trekker: And the match type? It’s a space pod match which one: cool- but also: super not cool! Where was this match when I was facing off against everyone in DTF!? Because being loaded into a pod that’s being shot into space? Yeah that’s the whole ending of Wrath of Khan! It would have been a perfect chance for a promo!
*The young woman yells into the void with frustration at whoever keeps booking her.*
Trekker: And you? You weird painted up guy who doesn’t really make any sense? You’re not even fit for a promo about a Star Trek- now streaming on Paramount+- movie! You’re more like that weird clown guy from Star Trek Voyager….also-streaming-on-Paramount+…’s “The Thaw.” In fact that title is more fitting since I haven’t seen you in forever. Have they called you out of carbonite or something? While everyone else in the streaming wars- especially Marty Donovan- has been doing NOTHING OF NOTE here am I, the REAL victor with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship. ME! You’re just some relic from the past- WHICH IS A THE NEXT GENERATION EPISODE! AGAIN, NOT A MOVIE!
*She groans and whines and struggles in her own frustrations.*
Trekker: And so I’m here. You probably are saying to yourself, “Star Trekker is climbing a mountain- why is she climbing a mountain?” You wanna know why? Star Trekker is climbing a mountain because she’s in love.
*Yeah it’s more-or-less nonsense, she’s cribbing an interview William Shatner did- so blame him, not me.*
Trekker: …Not with that awful gorn that’s trying to mate with me, for the record.
*She gags momentarily at the thought.*
Trekker: No, I’m in love with Star Trek, the greatest series that’s also really easy to access for the low price of signing up for Paramount+. What other non-variety or gameshow has over 800 episodes? Huh? That’s right, none. Star Trek has been going longer and harder than anyone else and has been going where no other TV show or streaming service has gone! So get bent Ancient Alien because your show is a baby compared to mine!
*Ok so that little quip seems to have made her feel somewhat better.*
Trekker: I’m also in love with this…
*She picks up the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.*
Trekker: So I’m training hard to make sure that I can overcome all of the “new life” in the “strange new worlds” I’m being forced to defend in. Why is Star Trekker climbing the mountain? Because she’s in love.
*She coughs.*
Trekker: …also because this was the only reference to the fifth Star Trek movie I could think of. BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT, I was able to get good exercise today as I became intimate with the mountain.
*Again, forgive the language, Shatner took this even further.*
Trekker: So Ancient Alien- from an inferior streaming service, I hope you’re ready. Actually wait, no I hope you’re not. Why do people say that? Do they want to lose? I don’t want to lose, I hope you’re totally not ready and hurt yourself on the way to the ring. Because at Supremacy I plan to show everyone that Paramount+ is still the superior streaming service.
*Slight pause. She’s getting worked up.*
Trekker: I guess the Prime Directive is being suspended for this match because I’m going to interfere in this life form’s career development- by squashing it flat. First I just need to send a swift kick to the little “d” and then I will be ready to finally topple the big “D.”
*She nods, proud of herself. She just suggested she was going to kick Ancient Alien in the dick AND made a reference to taking on both Discovery+ and Disney+.*
Trekker: See that’s how we roll in the Junior Heavyweight division- we get more done…with less…
*The lithe woman gestures to her body.*
Trekker: Welcome to the center of MY universe, Ancient Alien. It will prove to be YOUR final frontier.
*She holds up the title at the camera as we fade to black.*
*It’s Battle for Hegemony, inside Dinosaur Bones’ stomach- but also not because Dinosaur Bones has been summoned. The dracolich has convinced the Murder Hobo Express that the only way to escape his tar-filled stomach would be to re-enter his stomach through his mouth in a paradox worthy of The Next Generation’s episode “Cause and Effect” (featuring Kelsey Grammer!). The heroes one-by-one do the opposite of what they were planning that day. Well, all but one.*
Trekker: I’d rather take my chances with the ooze!
*Paramount+’s Star Trekker looks around and sees a mostly-constructed hot air balloon made out of the skin of the mosasaurus that had previously been threatening everyone.*
Trekker: …Or that.
*She quickly runs to the makeshift escape vehicle as tar begins to reach the top of the spire. Quickly she makes the necessary adjustments and begins to take off into the unknown. Dinosaur Bones gives her a stinky side-eye because she refused to be eaten again.*
Trekker: Haha! Beam me up…prehistoric carcass!
*As the balloon carries her higher and higher the scene wavy-fades into a black and white room. Actually the room isn’t monotone, the whole scene is. Slowly the Star Trekker opens her eyes as she lies in her bed. Sitting watch over her are Lord Dominicus and Big Bone.*
Trekker: Oh man, I had the weirdest dream. I defended against a surfer at Battle for Hegemony and then I went into Dinosaur Bones and fought a pacifist there.
*She looks at the two members of Bad to the Bone sitting over her.*
Trekker: And you! You weren’t there! And neither were you.
*Her eyes slowly move to Dinosaur Bones, also looking at her. She points at the monster/fed*
Trekker: But you were there!
*The other two look at where she’s pointing, but there’s nobody there.*
LD: Uh yeeeeaaaaahh…so you got a concussion in your surfer match.
Trekker: So you admit that I am the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!
LD: I said nothing of the sort. You also probably slept with that awful crocodile man.
Trekker: Uggggggghhhh, not agai- for the first time.
*She bites her bottom lip before she gives any more information.*
Trekker: So wait, why are you two hovering over me? I thought you didn’t like me.
LD: Huh? Oh, slow day at the office.
Trekker: Don’t you have stuff to do for W:UK? Something nefarious or whatever?
*Oh he forgot about that. The DARK LORD OF THE AMERICAN-TOURING ENGLISH FED snaps his fingers.*
LD: Oh that’s right!
BB: Puedes hacerlo tú mismo, ya he tenido suficiente de "You-know-who" para toda la vida.
LD: Yes, I also hate Marty Donovan, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t work for WUK.
*Big Bones just shakes his head as the Star Trekker falls back into her pillow to contemplate how to handle possibly banging Florida Man again.*
*As feminine groans are heard a graphic on the screen tells us that we are in Yosemite National Park. It’s clearly somewhere filled with nature as we stare at the side of a rock face. The groans continue as soon a familiar figure claws her way up*
Trekker: Oof, how the f was Shatner able to do this!?
*The otherwise peaceful scene of a woman climbing while surrounded by nature is somewhat muddled by her constant groans, pants, and under-the-breath curses. The camera holds the scene for as long as it takes her to crawl past. Afterwards we do a quick cut to Parmount+’s the Star Trekker sitting at a camp on the top of the mountain, with other mountains in view. She sits on a rock and looks at the camera.*
Trekker: Ancient Alien, you don’t belong in this match. Actually, this whole match doesn’t really make any sense in terms of placement. Like what is this supposed to be? I’m going to fight an old foe from GUNS- that’s prime for “The Voyage Home”- but that’s movie number four and my fourth match for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship was at Battle for Hegemony!
*She seems surprisingly distressed by this.*
Trekker: And the match type? It’s a space pod match which one: cool- but also: super not cool! Where was this match when I was facing off against everyone in DTF!? Because being loaded into a pod that’s being shot into space? Yeah that’s the whole ending of Wrath of Khan! It would have been a perfect chance for a promo!
*The young woman yells into the void with frustration at whoever keeps booking her.*
Trekker: And you? You weird painted up guy who doesn’t really make any sense? You’re not even fit for a promo about a Star Trek- now streaming on Paramount+- movie! You’re more like that weird clown guy from Star Trek Voyager….also-streaming-on-Paramount+…’s “The Thaw.” In fact that title is more fitting since I haven’t seen you in forever. Have they called you out of carbonite or something? While everyone else in the streaming wars- especially Marty Donovan- has been doing NOTHING OF NOTE here am I, the REAL victor with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship. ME! You’re just some relic from the past- WHICH IS A THE NEXT GENERATION EPISODE! AGAIN, NOT A MOVIE!
*She groans and whines and struggles in her own frustrations.*
Trekker: And so I’m here. You probably are saying to yourself, “Star Trekker is climbing a mountain- why is she climbing a mountain?” You wanna know why? Star Trekker is climbing a mountain because she’s in love.
*Yeah it’s more-or-less nonsense, she’s cribbing an interview William Shatner did- so blame him, not me.*
Trekker: …Not with that awful gorn that’s trying to mate with me, for the record.
*She gags momentarily at the thought.*
Trekker: No, I’m in love with Star Trek, the greatest series that’s also really easy to access for the low price of signing up for Paramount+. What other non-variety or gameshow has over 800 episodes? Huh? That’s right, none. Star Trek has been going longer and harder than anyone else and has been going where no other TV show or streaming service has gone! So get bent Ancient Alien because your show is a baby compared to mine!
*Ok so that little quip seems to have made her feel somewhat better.*
Trekker: I’m also in love with this…
*She picks up the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.*
Trekker: So I’m training hard to make sure that I can overcome all of the “new life” in the “strange new worlds” I’m being forced to defend in. Why is Star Trekker climbing the mountain? Because she’s in love.
*She coughs.*
Trekker: …also because this was the only reference to the fifth Star Trek movie I could think of. BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT, I was able to get good exercise today as I became intimate with the mountain.
*Again, forgive the language, Shatner took this even further.*
Trekker: So Ancient Alien- from an inferior streaming service, I hope you’re ready. Actually wait, no I hope you’re not. Why do people say that? Do they want to lose? I don’t want to lose, I hope you’re totally not ready and hurt yourself on the way to the ring. Because at Supremacy I plan to show everyone that Paramount+ is still the superior streaming service.
*Slight pause. She’s getting worked up.*
Trekker: I guess the Prime Directive is being suspended for this match because I’m going to interfere in this life form’s career development- by squashing it flat. First I just need to send a swift kick to the little “d” and then I will be ready to finally topple the big “D.”
*She nods, proud of herself. She just suggested she was going to kick Ancient Alien in the dick AND made a reference to taking on both Discovery+ and Disney+.*
Trekker: See that’s how we roll in the Junior Heavyweight division- we get more done…with less…
*The lithe woman gestures to her body.*
Trekker: Welcome to the center of MY universe, Ancient Alien. It will prove to be YOUR final frontier.
*She holds up the title at the camera as we fade to black.*
